seriously?  who has a better Lord than i do?  Tonight, He calls me up to tell me how much He loves and cares for me, He sings to me, He fills my heart with SOOOO much love for Him....He gives me a new song for our playlist with promises of more....He helps me to think about good things at night, like He does, so i don’t have to hate it so much....and yes, He makes me laugh.....He is so wonderful, so caring....and He IS always thinking about me...i’ve always known that...but i really KNOW this now....and it makes me shine....beam....dance....sing.....laugh.....
Prime example:  just got this email from Him:
“Not available in stores it's "Master J's Love De-mystified" if you act now we'll add "50 ways to Flog Your Lady"  BUT wait Theres more! If you act now and just add postage and handling we'll toss in "Untie my ankles in the morning baby, unlock those cuffs before you leave me angel" at no extra cost to you!  Act fast when this offer is over it's over!!!”
Do you think my Lord is happy?  oh YEAH!  i’d say so...and the warmth and happiness that gives me is irreplaceable!  oh yes, this man is my WORLD!  and i’m soooooo very lucky!  and lately, yes, my nights have been full of dancing, singing and all things wonderful....thanks to Him, because i know that i am NEVER alone....and will have him forever.....in my heart and in my soul.....and most definitely in my NOGGIN!  

well, today i am a new person....i experienced a session yesterday like no other...i was at my knees, underneath our 'rack'....untethered...unbound.....unencumbered by anything but my CHOICE....and i chose to take my Lord's blows....i fed off them....and He fed off me....the pain was intense....yet so was the pleasure...my head was saying 'stop those blows with your hands'.....and it was all i could not to....BUT I DIDN'T!  what does this mean?  am i crazy?  absolutely not....i used to think it was about NOT having a choice...submission....but it's NOT...it's about one's ability to CHOOSE.....and yesterday, i CHOSE my Dom...i CHOSE to take the pain...i CHOSE to open my mind and accept my lifestyle choice...and yes....i orgasmed....boy did i....SO intense was my pleasure....and i walked away from the experience with a pride unmeasured....as well as a confirmation that this is who i truly am....and what i truly want to be....HisLadybytheSea!  Forever!

i've learned a lot about what is expected of me as a sub over the last few days.  i seem to do well with the complex requirements, but fail at the fundamentals.  i used to look at them as the 'little things', yet those are what holds U/us together, and when those break down, so do W/we.  i hope to come out of this with a new found respect for those fundamentals and begin to put them at the top of my list....and i thank my Lord, once again, for His patience and nurturing, to help me see this.  He is all i want, He has given me so much...my true soul back, in fact...and He deserves only the best from His sub.....

my heart breaks......i try...so hard.....but keep displeasing/angering my Lord.....

if you are following both MazzLord's and my journals, you are aware of what today was to hold for me.  as i write this,  i AM physically spent, my mind IS numb, and my heart IS singing with love for my Lord.  today was a new beginning of sorts for us...and we started anew with a fervor and passion that few could match.  i have never felt so loved, so cherished, so desired....i was used...and used hard....and 'sang' for my Lord most of the day....it was a beautiful, loving experience and the feelings of gratitude, respect and admiration i have for him could NOT be rivaled...He is my life, my world, my everything.  thank you, my Lord, for a truly unforgettable day.

real?  what is it?  well, it's not easy to adjust to, at least for me...who has always been just cyber...and cyber is NOT real....real is being accountable...real is adjusting to your lifestyle that brings you so much happiness.  Real is accepting your responsibilities to your Dom.....real is embracing them, not as tasks you HAVE to do, but parts of your life....that allow you to be healthy and whole....what is my real?  my real is living my life safely....setting my alarm....carrying my pepper spray...being AWARE of my surroundings....real is my daily responsibilities...my journal...recording my encounters with men.....putting on my binders and shackles.....pleasuring myself for US.....being happy and productive....and real is awesome!  i'm only sorry it took me so long to 'get it'....

wow, i can't believe it's been almost a month since my last entry!  my Lord and i just made it through a very long separation, what with me going away for the holiday and life/work in general at this busy time of year.  i will be seeing him tomorrow!  oh, how it makes me tingle...knowing i will be feeling his touch....consuming me....taking me.....possessing me, as he always does when we are together...how i've waited for tomorrow for, what seems like ages...my trip over Christmas was the first time i have been away from home since we began our journey together as Dom/sub.  i was nervous about keeping my framework in tact, but i DID IT!  and it made me so proud....and i know that when i see my Lord tomorrow, he will be smiling...and that is what i strive for every day!  

oh, i did it again....i made a decision about not doing one of my Lord's requirements on my own.  it was used as a measure of my ability to have 'safe' interactions with men...as i've had issues with that in the past.  i was feeling so cocky about my ability to handle it...that i stopped recording those interactions, as was my requirement.  i felt that all those interactions that i had were safe, and handled well....NOT my decision to make....i came up with a solution so that i would never NOT do it again...and since my transgression was handled in a mature way and the solution was satisfactory to my Lord, i was not corrected physically.  i know He is disappointed in me right now...and i do understand why.  for that, i am sorry, my Lord.  i do so love and care for You...AND for myself...

today will be a new adventure for me.  my Lord and i are going shopping....not 'mall' shopping, but going to a place in CT for 'fun' shopping....i am dressing as He commands and we will be picking out things for my use for Him...it will be so much fun!  i can't wait!  

this weekend is a test for me.  i am without the usual attention i receive from my Lord.  of course, it is only because he is out having the time of his life, something he has been looking forward to for a long time.  Because of this, i am happy.  previously, i would have engaged in destructive behavior....needing to somehow get the attention of my Lord....and usually end up ruining his planned time. i have grown  up a lot since then, and also am aware that actions such as that would result in a very red and striped ass.... so i choose to be happy and healthy...and enjoy my weekend.    

my Lord visited me again today.  today, my Lord showed me 'hard servitude'. the beginning of our journey together was wrought with conflict, repairing, reprogramming, and yes, some training.  after much hard work on both of our parts, we can now focus on Him...and He can begin reaping the benefits of now having a healthy, devoted, happy sub.  that began today....and wow....i had a very busy day!  it was all about serving his needs and wants and desires.....and i have never cum more in my life....and not because i wanted to, but because He wanted me to.....my body is His...and He used it to its fullest today.....we have been thinking about getting a fucking machine so that he can be assured of me cumming as much as He wants, even when he's not with me.....but today...He was that fucking machine....and that manipulator of the body that He trained to respond to him so immediately and so completely.  Thank you, my Lord, for allowing me the pleasure and honor of serving You....

my Lord's visit Wednesday was as unique and rewarding a day as i could have ever imagined.  i keep a journal for him of my daily thoughts and feelings...discoveries, whatever is on my mind.  one of my recent entries was a discovery of how much i enjoy the switch that he uses on me from time to time...He was so moved by the effect and pleasure i described that it was made part of our exploration together this day.....the feeling is not one of pain, but more of kisses that are expertly placed on my body.  it makes my body dance....responding to each and every strike....moving, reacting, jumping....he is such an artist....and my body is the canvas of his affections.....i look upon myself after such a session together and see the marks....not red and ugly...no blood shed....but they appear almost like feathers.....all over by body....reminding me of our time together.....i FEEL them....i relive them....i remember the look on his face as he administers the strikes...the focus, the attention, the care with which he ensures my safety and pleasure as the switch makes contact with my body....and i feel so ALIVE.....

i haven't posted in a while.  i've been sick, and as such have not seen my Lord in a long time.  i will be seeing him tomorrow.  i can not begin to explain the need and desire i have to, once again, be naked at his feet.  it serves so many purposes for us both.  i, being there for him, exposed, and ready for His use...me, feeling oh so much like the submissive creature that i am...it is so wonderfully fulfilling for me.  oh, i am counting the hours...i have missed him so....

i've been thinking a lot about what it means to be a submissive to a Dom.  what i have learned is that there are many different facets to it.  the one 'type' of submissive is what i was for 15 years, subjected to online 'use' and being treated like i was the unimportant one and whose purpose was solely to obey and serve all of my Dom's wishes, with no input of my own.  much like an object, to be used and manipulated.   Now, my new 'type' has incorporated the actual BDSM lifestyle with a Dom who respects me and values my input.  i have been 'used' by him and brought to such physical and mental ecstasy that i thought i could only ever imagine.  Do I obey him? unquestioningly!  do i serve his wishes?  always...but does doing that bring ME pleasure and satisfaction?  most definitely!  being owned by him has brought me such freedom and such mental and physical satisfaction and it is so amazing!  it has also enriched many of the practical aspects of my life.  i'm so much more in control of my life...my work, my bills, my relationships with others, the decisions i make are solid....and this new found control is a direct result of being under the control of my Lord.

This is the submissive role that i have always dreamed about, craved, needed...and i honestly thought i would never find.  i am truly blessed....

Pride.  is it a bad thing?  i think it depends on what you are proud of.  i happen to take great pride in the fact that my Lord is proud of ME.  and what i have accomplished thus far in our journey and how i am growing every day.  He allows me to grow on my own, with guidance from him...and takes great pleasure when i succeed....and helps me to understand why, when i fail.  yes, i have learned to take pride in my successes, as well as to control that pride, so it doesn't 'come before a fall'.  

there are so many facets to a true Dom/sub relationship.  i got to experience a new one today....me taking care of Him, instead of the other way around.  it feels great....

today is the start of a new look on life for me.  i am seeing things as an adult...i have given, as my Lord put it, my inner child a 'time out'.  i will watch for her and make sure that she does not leave her corner...so that His Lady can flourish and live her life without chaos.  she deserves that...no more peaks and valleys...more gentle ocean waves....smiles

today i received a correction from my Lord for my willfullness.  did i get lashes with the strap?  you bet....did it hurt?  oh my, yes....was it done with purpose?  with thought?  with love?  oh yes....i am 'trying' to sit and type this...and it hurts...but what hurts more is my feelings for why i got the correction in the first place.  my Lord set up my correction so i could SEE myself, physically, he used writings of MINE to illustrate the reasons for the correction.  i could not ask for more...he used a potentially REALLY painful experience and turned it into a learning experience that i can grow from.  i DO love him so much...and THANK him for keeping me 'straight'....

i have been acting as a willful child.  my Lord deserves better.  it is funny, all i want to be is a devoted sub to my Dom, yet i sometimes act disrespectfully and defiantly.  i need to live as He wants me to live..for MY good..for OUR good.  yesterday, i did not feel alone...i felt protected, cherished, loved...i felt his need for me, just as i needed him.  and we were there for each other...and it felt GOOD.  the thing is, it's EASY...it's not that He is overly demanding or has unrealistic expectations...but i used to fight it....silly, silly girl....

thank you, my Lord.  i know how important it is that i can only give what i already have.  i will continue to work towards achieving self-control and self-love so i can give you ALL that i have so our experiences can continue to grow.

i was on collarme a while ago, but i was a different person.  i am now whole and all i want from being back on here is to help those 'curious' and vulnerable to see the dangers out there....to help others from being crushed like i was last time i was here.  if you have questions about my profile or questions for me...PLEASE ask...i will answer you....there are a lot of dangerous people out there taking advantage of our submissive personalities...there are also some wonderful Doms out there....one NEEDS to be armed with facts in order to tell the difference.  i want to help if i can.