Master has been talking about anal for quite some time. And it's not that She hasn't done it before, but it's never been with the strap on. I didn't really have any qualms against it. I was semi nervous, but honestly more excited to see how I would take it.

Before any pleasure comes pain. I had missed three day worth of dice rolls. The dice rolls are maintenance punishment. If I don't complete my daily chores it's double dice. Considering I hadn't completed my chores I knew I was in for it. It also didn't help that I had accumulated twenty six on my own. It's not that I have been bad, I am more forgetful. After six rolls my total was fifty. Surprisingly I wasn't scared, but more anxious excited. I thrive on pain and the physical consequences of the pain.

Master ordered me to strip. Laying on the bed with my hands above my head, She began. I didn't expect Master to use Her own hands, but surprise is always an element. Master hit me hard. I moaned when She hit my breasts and the first time She hit me in the face. As much as it hurt, I was getting so wet. My psyche was thriving. It wasn't until the belt that the tears started to fall.

I was on all fours on the ground. It wasn't more than one hit before Master had me facing Her leaning backwards on the bed. It didn't hurt at first and I was enjoying it. I think Master noticed because after that the pain brought instant tears. See, Master didn't use the belt she normally does and I wasn't prepared for the amount of pain that was coming my way. Within two hits tears were running down my face. I told myself I was just more sensitive in the front. My torso and chest weren't as pain tolerant. I was wrong.

Master flipped me around and had me bent over the bed facing away from Her after about ten. She continued with the leather belt. Every hit was sharp pain and my body curled in pain. I started to bawl. I was in pleasure and pain at the same. The pain didn't stop nor did Master. The tears continued to stream down my face as she continued. She then pulled me hair to pull me up off the bed and sat in front of me. With tears still rolling down my face She ordered me to close my eyes. I closed my eyes, but flinched. I knew what was coming. The pain was instant as She slapped me across the face. I hadn't counted the lashings. I knew Master knew my pain and had known I had suffered, as I should.

She then ordered me to lay down on the bed on my back. I did as I was told as Master got Her toy ready. She lubed me up slightly and slowly began inserting the toy into my tight ass. It hurt, but I was ready for the pain. As she eased it in the pain turned into pleasure. My tight ass trying to relax and my brain screaming in both pleasure and pain. Master saw it in my face and slowly began to fuck me. At first I didn't know what I was experiencing. Then Master slipped two fingers in my pussy and I almost came. I was completely full.

Master then strapped up and told me to get on all fours. With the strap on ready to go I prepared myself. She slowly inserted the tip. The strap on was thicker and not as long, but still painful. She slowly inserted it all the way in. As She began fucking me I started to moan. The deeper She went the more I whimpered. The pain started turning into pleasure and my whimpers were combined with moans. Master quickened Her pace and I held all control I had not to orgasm. I knew I needed permission.

I didn't get to come, but I had pleased Master and I knew She was hot. I asked Master if I could return the pleasure She had given me. I was not to come, but only pleasure Her.

I strapped up and slowly inserted into Her ass. She was tight and I was instantly hot. The resistance from Her tight ass made me want to come almost instantly. I slowly quickened my pace as Master started to moan. I wanted to make Her come so badly. I would do anything for Master. I begged Her to come for me. I wanted to see Her tighten around the strap on. I wanted to hear Her moans of pleasure from what I was giving Her.

As my pace quickened, She began to clench and moan. As She came, I had my own battle to fight. She was coming and I was trying with all I had not to join her.

Master got as She wished and I had pleased Her. I was proud of myself and saw in Her eyes that She was proud of me too. I had taken Her punishment and Her fucking well.

I love pleasing my Master and can't wait to see what She comes up with next.

Lately, I feel so lost in my role as a slave. My Master has done an amazing job in training me and doing her research in every aspect of bdsm and the m/s relationship. We wrote out our commitments, rules, and punishments. Everything was in order. For quite some time I did really well. I was learning a lot and pleasing My Master, but then something changed. I started becoming quite defiant and trying to be in control of everything. As soon as Master would become dominant and well experienced in something I would bash Her down or try and change it. I was punished severly and thought I had learned, but things didn't seem to change.

Master took off my collar and cuffs last night and we had a discussion. She told me She was done with the bullshit. If I truly wanted to be Her slave I had to do my research, write my commitments, and be serious about it. Here is where the problem lies.

It was my idea for our regular relationship to become a m/s relationship. It was something I wanted to do, but now I just feel lost. I do love pleasing My Master. I do love that she has control, but lately I feel as if I have lost myself. I feel as if I have control of nothing in my life. Master and I do not have a TPE relationship. I am in school, have a job, and think for myself, but in the bedroom and the majority mentally I am hers. She owns me. I love that she owns me, but something inside of me just can't let things be. I can't seem to let things go with the flow and let her be in control.

I have been thinking a lot about why and I can't seem to come up with a solution. I am dominant in every aspect of my life and enjoy not being dominant and being submissive and a slave in the bedroom. I love everything about being My Masters slave, pleasing her, and doing anything she asks. I do trust her. I know she has my safety and emotional and physical well being in mind at all times. She will not hurt me.

I do know this. Is it because the rest of my life is in chaos right now that I feel I am losing myself or am I not cut out to be a slave?

She put the slaves face into the bed and gave her lashes with a cane and the crop. The slave took the punishment for her mistakes that day in silence, as she should.

Master sterlized a blade and began to cut across my back. As She cut me more, She slowly slid two fingers into my tight pussy. I was so turned on and wanted to come more than anything, but I knew better. I do as I'm told.

After Master finished with me, not letting me come, She had the other slave lay on all fours on the bed. On my knees,  I was told to play with myself, and I did. Master did the same thing to the other slave as she did to me.

Master had me climb on the bed and lay on my back. She did my favorite, by flicking her tongue over my hard swollen clit. She had me close enough to coming, but I suddenly heard a noise, as Master and I looked up the other slave had gotten up and said she was going to smoke.

Master followed quite quickly. I am not sure what the other slaves punishment was, for I was not there for it.

I was shocked that a slave could disobey my Master like that. I can't imagine disobeying my Master like that. Punishment would be quite severe and the disappointment alone would destroy me. Perhaps some aren't as into it as others or don't understand consequences.

As for tonight. I am not sure what will happen. Master is under the weather and in quite the amount of pain. I will take care of her to the best of my abilities and update you all soon.

Last night we played the coin game. It was definitely a challenge, but I succeeded and was rewarded. (:

 I see my own words being used against my Master and I'm not sure how to feel about it. True, the feelings were sincere, but they weren't entirely based on everything that was happening. There were other aspects in my life going on and I feel now as if I probably should have mentioned those. And although the canes can cause extreme injuries, I knew and know that Master had no intention of causing any. It was more of a threat and it worked.

 I love my Master. That is all that matters.

punishment:

 After showering and putting on the clothes she picked out, I waited for her. She told me to go into the bedroom and put in three anal beads, open the blinds, and play with myself. I did as I was told. She watched from outside the window while smoking. As I played with myself she informed me to begin fingering myself with two fingers, for she wanted me to be ready, tight and full for her cock.

 After her cigarette, she came inside, climbed on top of me, then proceded to play and suck my nipples. She strapped up and told me to get on my knees. She then pushed my head onto her cock. I swallowed her whole and continued to give her head until she was satisfied.

 I was then instructed to stand up where she tied my hands behind my back. The rope being attached to the collar, I got on my knees and laid downing waiting for what was to come. Already strapped up, she slowly started fucking me. I began to moan wanting so badly to please her. Her pace quickened while I quickly became ready to come, for it has been five days since I have had an orgasm.

 As I moaned louder and higher pitched she knew I was getting close. Just as I was ready to come she stopped and slowed her pace. I whimpered knowing I was not allowed to come without her permission. She quickly fastened her pace again, fucking me with long hard strokes. I was ready to come almost instantly. She knew, of course, and stopped suddenly right before I almost came. This continued multiple times.

 Then she pulled me up by the rope and untied me. She then laid down on the bed and told me to climb on top of her so I was sitting on her face. I did as I was told. She then told me to suck her cock. As I swallowed her cock in my mouth she played with my clit. Her tongue felt so amazing on my hard swollen clit. Her fingers pumping in and out of me. The anal beads making me tight and causing it to burn. With both pain and pleasure I whimpered, moaned, and begged. This lasted for awhile, again her stopping right before I would come then continue building me up again only to stop.

 I was told to stand up and did so. She told me to lay down on my back. I did. Unstrapping, she then climbed on top of me, sitting on my face. I was told I was not allowed to touch or lick, only to watch. I whimpered in agony. I wanted so much to please her and make her come. She began to lick my swollen clit again. Her pace faster than the time before and my moans louder. I could see her dripping down her thighs and wanted so much to taste, but knew the consequences would be fatal. For the third time tonight, I was denied an orgasm, but built up continuously.

 As instructed, I stood up and began fucking myself with the dildo. She watched while playing with herself. I wanted so badly to be where her hands were, but I knew better than to disobey.

 She pulled me down by the rope to her face as she sat on the bed. She then asked me why I was sorry. I told her it was wrong to disobey her and I should listen and do as I am instructed without hesitation. She then asked me what I wanted most at that time. I replied that I only wanted for her to come and be pleasured.

 She then told me I was allowed to lick, but I was not allowed to try to make her orgasm. I did as I was told. She tasted so sweet, but my time was limited. She then told me to lay on my back. I did as I was told. She climbed on top of me and told me I could lick, but only where her hand wasn't. She used her hand to play with her clit, which is my favorite spot. I did my best to tongue her while she again built me up, but didn't let me come.

 She then instructed me to climb on top again. As she tongued my clit and played with her own clit I watched. My instinct to please her and give her pleasure caused me to begin fingering her. She orgasmed within minutes. 

 After coming she informed me she gave me no permission to use my fingers. I dropped my head to the ground realizing what I had done. I want so much to make her happy and obey her, but I hadn't listened to her. Instead I had done what I wanted and thought would make her happy.

 I know another punishment is coming. I am well aware I deserve it. I am learning very quickly to obey her and do as I am told, but tonight after doing so well, I failed.