Difference Between a submissive and A Slave
A submissive renews the choice to submit every time a demand is levied upon hir. A slave makes a one-time choice to submit, up front, and thereafter it is incumbent upon hir to obey.
I am fond of this definition because it describes submission and slavery, but with some minimal qualification also applies to every submissive or slave relationship I have known of. To elaborate, then....
Submission
At the heart of submission is the choice to submit and the option to say "No". The submissive decides how much authority sie will cede to another, how much control sie will bow to, and what aspects of hir life sie will surrender to the dominant's command. Submissive power exchange is about choice: about the option to decide how one feels about a demand and what one is going to do about it. At any point that the sub is not comfortable with this arrangement, it is within hir rights to say "No, I'm not going to do that", and this becomes a signal to the couple that they need to renegotiate something. It does not completely derail the power dynamic between them.
A submissive chooses to submit and has the option to say 'no' in at least one aspect of hir life.
A submissive who is controlled in large tracts of hir life – hir sexuality, work, dress, social habits, etc - may fall into a space of obedience where orders in those arenas are never mulled over or reassessed (in the sense of "renewing the choice to submit every time a demand is levied upon hir"). I contend that this is not counter to the definition I offer above but a special subset thereof: even for such a closely-controlled submissive, there remains some area of hir life or aspect of hir person where sie retains autonomy, or where it is hir option to decide if sie wishes to submit in the moment.
In short: a submissive chooses to submit and has the option in some area or another to say "no" to a dominant command.
Slavery
How, then, does consensual slavery differ from submission?
First and foremost, slavery hinges upon a commitment to obedience. The slave does not revisit issues such as "should I submit?" or "How do I feel about that? Will I say yes or no?" When a dominant order is issued, whether or not the slave agrees with it, sie is obedient in the same manner that a soldier is who has enlisted in the Army. (That military analogy is one of several I think holds very true for the power dynamics of M/s relationships.)
Secondly, in consensual slavery a person gives themselves over to the control of another as completely as is humanly possible. This means not only a high degree of obedience, but that there is actually a chattel property context to the relationship. I refer not to a legal relationship, of course, but to a mutual understanding of ownership and property status that arises between the parties. While both slaves and submissives are often fondly referred to as "property", in the sense of consensual slavery the slave becomes literally (by mutual agreement) the property of the Owner. It is not unheard of for slaves to be sold by an Owner and to go willingly to their new Master or Mistress.
A slave commits to obey. A 'no' becomes a dealbreaker in a way it can never be for a submissive.
Thirdly, a slave cannot say "No" without completely abrogating the very basis of the Master/slave agreement. A "No" from a slave is a terminal deal-breaker in a way that it is not for a submissive. One analogy I offer is this: a submissive is like an employee in the workplace, who can protest directives and hope to resolve conflict with management (the dominant). A slave, on the other hand, is like a soldier who, if sie disobeys orders, has put hirself in a position of mutiny with much more dire consequences to hir relationship to the military (the Owner) than if sie were a civilian disputing a less-controlling authority. The military cannot function if command authority is questioned, and neither can a Master/slave relationship.
Earlier I said, "The submissive decides how much authority sie will cede to another, how much control sie will bow to, and what aspects of hir life sie will surrender to the dominant's command." Slavery differs in this regard: these decisions are not made by the slave, but by the Owner for the slave, after the general commitment to obedience is in place.
There is much more to be said about the characteristics and nuances of consensual slavery, which I get into in other essays dedicated to the topic. But I believe the above serves to illustrate the key differences in the submission and obedience factors of sub and slave.
Not a Spectrum
Submissives are commonly viewed as falling upon a spectrum. At one end is one who submits very little or only in scene-delimited context; at the other, one who submits as a constant in a lifestyle context and is very controlled, and everyone else falls somewhere in between
A big error occurs, I believe, when people assume that a slave is simply another point on that spectrum, a more extreme form of submissive than is found in the ordinary range of submission. I think this is to fundamentally misunderstand the internal dynamics of slavery. A slave is not an ueber-sub, someone "more" submissive than the "ordinary" submissive. For that matter, a slave may not even be submissive at all. Slavery is not about submission or submissive behaviors. It is aboutobedience.
There are other characteristics unique to slaves that distinguish them from submissive mentalities and reflect a different kind of internal wiring. I will touch upon those in other essays as well.
"Slave" Used Loosely
The word "slave" has a lot of charge to it. It has erotic juice for those who would be love slaves or service slaves. It has cultural charge around the non-consensual chattel slavery history experienced by blacks in this country. It is shunned by those who do not like the cultural baggage, and embraced by those who like the eroticism that the word suggests.
Slavery as I use it here and as much (most?) of the M/s community employ it, has a distinctive character. It is a narrowly defined construct with fairly specific meaning at its core. A slave who is property, who offers obedience across the board, even potentially to the point of being sold, will at times look askance when this label is bandied about by bedroom players or used to describe relationships that are D/s – even very controlling D/s – but not M/s, in nature.
Many people refer to themselves as slaves because they enjoy erotic or other types of control on a limited basis, as long as it doesn't interfere too much with other areas of their life they hold off-limits. And the more controlled a submissive is, the more that person's state resembles that of a slave, and so may be commonly referred to as "slave" without fine distinctions being made in conversation. But when we are speaking of degree of control, a slave is someone very specific.
Words and Their Meanings
It is the nature of popular jargon, perhaps, that words like "slave" will be adopted by those who find it sexy or apropo to some aspect of their lives, and the distinctions between that and "submissive" will blur. But it is necessary when speaking of M/s relationships to be more precise about these meanings. Slaves and Owners of my acquaintance distinguish sharply between the "Master" and "slave" of delimited D/s, and the Master and slave of an obedience-centered chattel property relationship.
I have offered this discussion to distinguish beween key elements of submission as contrasted to slavery. "Slave" has a particular meaning to an established segment of the BDSM community, and the aforegoing is intended to illustrate ways in which this mode of obedience differs from the more commonly encountered D/s styles of submission.
Consensual SLAVERY
We often hear the comment “i am a slave” and we see many people choosing to identify themselves as slave rather than submissive, but are they really being true to the concept of slavery or is it just that it “sounds better” than submissive. Is it a more romantic notion or more for the shock value, or is that many people do not understand the word submissive – slave is a term that most are familiar with.
To understand what a slave really is, as compared to a submissive, we need to explore the actual meaning of slave or of slavery.
The Definition of slavery and of a slave: The state of one bound in servitude as the property of a slaveholder or household. One deprived of personal freedom and compelled to perform labour or services. A slave in the real sense of the word, is held against his or her will, from the time of capture or purchase, or from birth. This is the definition and the knowledge that most people associate with slavery in the vanilla world, but what about in the D/s world?
I personally know several people who identify as slaves – however and with no disrespect intended to anyone, i can honestly say that i only know one who really lives as a slave - who has consented to the life of consensual slavery (the way i perceive it to be) – he is controlled every moment of his life. He is by his owner’s side constantly, where ever she is, that is where he must be. He has no outside life, no job except that of her slave, no say in what he does or does not do. She clothes him, feeds him, and is responsible for every single aspect of his existence.
He is punished for wrongdoings, and rewarded when he does well. A punishment could mean to be chained up, under the stairs for a day or two or more, with only a thin mattress and a bucket – the bucket does not get emptied until he is released. A reward maybe to be put into bondage.
This slave has a computer but is not allowed to use it for anything other than family emails, maybe once every few months. I do not know any other person who has this restriction, slave or submissive.
To me, this is true consensual slavery. This slave entered into this relationship knowing what it would be like, he knew the conditions and the last decision he made was to become a slave to his owner. He will never again have to worry about anything, he has passed control over to her, of every single aspect of his life without exception.
Every other slave or submissive i know may talk of doing that, but in reality, there are little things that are kept, some small aspects of control. A true slave would not have even that tiny measure of control – a slave’s life would be one of orders and obedience at every single step, in every single moment.
Years ago, when i was still very new to this lifestyle. I was introtuced to a person who told me she was a 24/7 slave. I was very interested in her life, and asked many questions. It became apparent to me very early on, that though she identified as a slave, she was in fact no more than an abused person, in a relationship with a man who called himself her 'master' but was actually a horrible piece of work who had no idea what D/s or BDSM was about. They did not live together as he was married, she was not allowed to contact him at all, but was expected to be available at a moment’s notice for anything he asked of her.
This so called Master, expected my friend to work as a prostitute and hand over all her money, he expected her to have gang bangs every week and video them, and present the tape to him, he demanded that she bring drugs back to him when she went overseas, he demanded that she find him a virgin – and that if she could not, then she was to supply her own teenage daughter. He would beat her – not flog her or spank her, but beat her with fists to her face and other parts of her body.
There was never any after care, nor did he care for her welfare in any way. The sad thing was that this person thought that was what consensual slavery was about, she thought she had made a choice to be abused, and signed a contract that said there was no escape.
Two examples of “consensual slavery” they are at opposite ends of the scale, and yet there is so much in between them. My choice of the two would be the first example, to consent to be a slave but to know without a doubt that you are cared for and valuable to your owner. The second example is abuse, and nothing more.
The other concept of “being a slave” is that of a sex slave, and there are many who believe that BDSM is about this type of behaviour – that to be a slave in the bedroom is to ‘be a slave’ Many people who are searching for slavery or D/s are in fact only searching for kinky sex or submission in the bedroom. As, I stated before, no right or wrong way. I believe that slavery or submission is a personal perspective.
tOTAL pOWER eXCHANGE
Many people in the lifestyle talk about Total Power Exchange, and the phrase seems fairly self explanatory. However it is not quite as simplistic as it sounds, and i believe that for many, there are varying degrees and ideas of what it actually is and how it actually works.
So firstly, a definition of sorts:
Total Power Exchange:
Where two people consensually and voluntarily agree to a power relationship in which one assumes total responsibility and the other yields to that authority. The defining element of this Total Power Exchange is the deliberate construction of the dynamic, in which one person assumes some degree of psychological control over the other.
Simply put, these three words – Total Power Exchange - describe the giving over of total control to another person in a given or agreed situation. This means that all decisions are made by that person, and it is absolute - that person has the final say.
If it was not absolute then it would not be a TOTAL power exchange.
Many people think of Total Power Exchange as being only in a long term full time relationship but there are other instances where there can be a TPE between two consenting adults for a limited time – for example in a play situation for an hour or two, or perhaps an agreed number of days or weeks.
However, most TPE relationships are 24/7 D/s relationships, meaning a Dominant and submissive or slave live together – not necessarily as a couple though this would be the most common scenario. The Dominant assumes total control over the slave’s life. All final decisions are made by the Dominant, though in reality most things are probably discussed at length and any thoughts the slave may have are usually taken into consideration.
There is another term which can be used to describe Total Power Exchange –Consensual Slavery - and in fact that is probably a more accurate description of any full time relationship which is based on a TPE.
A slave is someone who has been forced to give up all freedom and all rights as a person. We have all heard about the terrible slavery that went on in the world, and in some places still does, however Consensual Slavery has a different context. A person who has consented to a full time relationship with a Dominant, and who has consented to a TPE, has in effect agreed to Consensual Slavery.
Of course, within the constraints of the “real” world in which we live, there are factors which sometimes get in the way – family, friends who do not understand, jobs, general everyday things as we go about our lives. However, most who are in these TPE relationships cope well with managing to keep things in perspective. There is a huge amount of trust involved, it is not easy to hand your life to someone and say “here, take this and look after it” At the same time, there is an equally huge responsibility on the Dominant, who now has another human being’s life to take care of.
There is also the common misconception that a TPE involves micromanaging of the slave – in other words every single moment of the slave’s life is managed and decided by the Dominant. What time the slave gets up, how much time under the shower, what to eat for every meal, what to wear, what time to do this, or that… a timetable which must be adhered to. Not every TPE is about micromanaging – it is hard work for the Dom and takes someone very special and committed to be able to cope with it.
I think for many it is a fantasy but the reality is of course not always the way we imagine, or really want it to be.
There are other situations that can be seen to be a Total Power Exchange, yet are not 24/7 Relationships.
A play session between Dom and sub is a Total Power Exchange. For that time, the Dom has the control and the power to make the decisions and to take charge. The submissive has agreed to the power exchange – it is part of the play and an important element in a successful session. For the Dominant, there is nothing like knowing that you have been given this power, to be in charge, to be wholly responsible for every moment, for the pleasure and the satisfaction of both yourself and another person. For the submissive, there is nothing like being completely free to enjoy the moment with no responsibility, and to lose yourself in the sensations and mindset of that moment.
