hardgripmaster on Collarspace

2/10/2010 6:55:13 AM

I would appreciate the comments in the form of messages of anybody who has the time and interest in reading the entries below.
These journl entries address major issues in the lifestyle. They are extracted from a discussion that happened in the past week or so in another site where I have a profile. The discussion was initiated by a submissive lady who contacted me in this CM site. We started talking and chatting. There were more bumps on the road than smooth dialogue. I finally decided to end the inquiry. In reaction, she posted this entry in a discussion group. Everybody told her she was right to do what she did and advised her to stay away from me. I am posting here what she initially wrote, my reply to it after many had already commented on it and the subsequent exchange I had there with another mature Dom two years older than I.

First, the submissive lady initial entry that opened the discussion:

Quote:
Without using names, I was approached by a Dominant who lives in my city. He "says" he lives downtown Cincinnati and is self employed. I felt there were a few a red flags:

1.He has no picture on his profile and refuses to send me a picture.

2.He is from Senegal and is Muslim, states that he as a Muslim does things different. (I'll revisit the religion thing in a minute)

3.He got offended when I told him my protector suggested that if he has an issue with me stating I would not enter a "consideration" until I meet a Dom face to face, that maybe he should talk to him and they can discuss it.

4.He claimed that I was not communicating with him enough, when we are friends here, on skype and collarme and he also has my cell number. hummmm

So, was I wrong for saying I wouldn't enter a consideration without meeting him in person? I don't care how often we talked via Internet or phone, there are just some things that should wait until a confirmation has been made. That's my opinion...

What does his religion have to do with D/s? D/s has no religious foundation per say, and he said that the fact that I am a Christian is not important to him and that we are still compatible. I feel using his religion to put off meeting someone realtime is an excuse.
Unquote.

My reply, after several days and many comments from others, as I was not aware of her posting.

Quote:
I am the Muslim in question here. I am right here in Downtown Cincinnati at a wallking distance to the Main Hamilton County Library on Vine and 8th streets. Yes, I follow rules that override all other considerations. The religious practices that are being questionned here are 1431 years old. They are public. Anybody has access to that information. The story that is told above is accurate in general. For the record, there are also Christian sects that forbid pictures. At this point there is no need nor value in going back to the past. It was not meant to be and it has not been. That is the end of the story. I personally have a full closure and have moved on. I wish everybody to have the strength to do the same.
Unquote.

Comments from a 62 years old Dom in Cincinnati who seems to want to want to appear as the Dean of the BDSM community in Cincinnati.

Quote:
Hard Grip Master We too have customs, and while your religious customs conflict with generally accepted customs of the lifestyle they to you are important. That said the safety and security of another human being is of paramount importance to all who pass through or choose to find refuse or guidance here which includes yourself. There were compromises that could have been reached that might have allayed justifiable concerns. We wish you well in your journey.
Unquote.

My reply to the above comments of the Cincinnati "Dean" Dom.

Quote:
I appreciate your comments, thank you for your best wishes, and in return wish the same to you. My journey is proceeding to my satisfaction. Please, do take note that there were never any safety or security concerns in this instance. The well being and security of any human being are intertwined with the values and rules that guide my life. This lifestyle is not an end by itself. Each one of us lives it within their own principles. I have lived it in other countries such as France and UK. Why do we have so much sub-communities within it? You are free to accept the compromises you want. Yours are not necessarily acceptable to me; and, I will not ask you to compromise on issues and questions that are of prime status in your own values.
Unquote.

His reply:

Quote:
Accepted.. On the question of sub-communities with in the lifestyle,,,,,well what we engage in is a power exchange and many people for altruistic reasons may say that your power exchange is not the same as my power exchange; and then there are those who are based purely on their egos where if they are not on top that some how they are less. Many times, following the leadership of others demonstrates true leadership.

Others see a difference in from where we came such as the division between the "new" BDSM community and that of the leather community, let alone the Old Guard Leather Community. In the US we have a relatively new "out" BDSM community, whereas in other countries they have been out for many decades and therefore have since the value of working together for a common goal. The internet has changed the entire dynamic model as before the “secret society” controlled and paced the inclusion of new people entering so as to make sure they were appropriately informed and not divisive to the community. Rightly or wrongly, the gate keepers if you will.
Unquote.

My Last and final reply. To those who have read up to here, please note tht I do not intend to continue this discussion there as I have said what I think is relevant to the issues that were raised. This is now the last comment on that discussion and it will be my last regardless of what anyone else may say after that.

Quote.
You brought up very interesting questions of historical evolution, personal preferences and regulation of oneself as well as of the community at large. These are some of the major issues we are facing today. Everyone would agree that there are neither one single satisfactory answer nor widely accepted reference rules of behavior to which everybody complies.

First, I am pleasantly surprised that you do not have a picture on your profile for whatever reasons. If you read this post's tread, the question of pictures was one of the points of friction. Beside any religious reasons. I personally believe pictures are overrated and actually may even prevent us from truly knowing those with whom we are talking as we tend to focus on the visual and disregard or neglect the spiritual. But it is a minor issue. I address it only when somebody raises it. I am merely pointing it out as a corroboration to the positions I hold.

Second, what surprises me is your reference to "ego". It is very clear that we all are absolutely here because of our egos. We define ourselves are Dominants, Masters, or Submissive and Slaves, as our egos dictate. We strip a consenting individual off their power, or they surrender it to us on their perception of their own egos and ours. Such is the basis and extent of how TPE is lived in each relationship. The definition of historical forced slavery is to strip somebody of their freedom and power without their consent, only because of the ego and subjugation by the Dominant at that precise moment and in that particular situation whether it is by personal or institutional force. Unfortunately, it is still happening today in some parts of the world. The distinction between such situations and our lifestyle lies on our motto of "SSC: safe, sane and consensual". The problem now is the fact that some are violating those safeguards. One can see this when reading some of the online profiles, or when people react angrily while consensus has not been reached yet, or consent has been withdrawn.

Third, you are right in pointing to the ways the advent of Internet has changed the culture. However even before that, the lifestyle has never been fully organized let alone an institution with structures similar to a fraternal organization or secret society the like of the historical Knight Templar or the Free Masons. Freedom of choice, diversity of styles, and ability to live the life where ever one chooses to do so make it impossible to exert an over encompassing authority or leadership. Because there is no institutionalized lifestyle, there are no institutional self regulation and compliance. It is only personal. In this lifestyle, the only true leadership is by consensus and civility. The only compliance is through one's own ethics and morals. Gatekeepers are irrelevant and non operational, simply because there are no gates; they never existed. This has always been the reality and it is much more so today because of the Internet.
Unquote.

The only reaction thus far is from the submissive lady who initiated the discussion. It was simply a:

"Wow.....smh".