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misspersialynn
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mistressevolin
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HarajukuTgirl
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MsSarahBlake
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PrincessSarah007
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If you want a good laugh please read all my journals
 
 Hello to all you dear ladies I am a white Professional Single 45 year old male who lives in Las Vegas Nevada.
Who believes that women are dominant in many ways to man. I am seeking a discreet Long-term relationship. I am a strong mature Male I understand that good communications are the key to any relationship.
.
BDSM is not about sex it about control and serving and having fun. if you are looking for an adventure I am your man.
I have been described as laid back, easy going and fun to be with.
I enjoy all different type of activities. I can be on the beach one day or hiking in the mountains the next.
I enjoy staying active, but I also enjoy just hanging out watching a movie or just talking.
I want to be with someone who wants to be with me.
Drama is a 5 letter word I can do without.
I am a better communicator in person then writing about myself.
I am open to any and all questions that you may have!!!!
I look forward to HEARING from you and
good luck with your search.
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Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror. |
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An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. It is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "D...o you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde, with a body that would stop traffic, rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
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During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.
I described a typical day this way:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk,
About 7 miles, through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake.
I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes
I avoided standing on a snake.
I climbed several rocky hills.
I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered.
At the end of it all I drank eight beers".
Inspired by the story, the doctor said,
"You must be one hell of an outdoorsman!"
"No," I replied, "just a shitty golfer".
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OLDER EMPLOYEE NOTICE!
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFTprogram (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED andSHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREWprogram (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice andSCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.
Persons who havebeenRAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDSorHERPESwill not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT(Special High Intensity Training) as possible.Congress has always prided themselves on the amount ofSHIT they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHITyou can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off!
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Bad Jokes
A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!"
______________________________________________
Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. ....
It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!"
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I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran - but you don't get offers like that every day.
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____________________________________________________
My wife just came in and said,
"I don't know if I am coming or going.
"I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face, you're
going - 'cus when you're coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!"
____________________________________________________
I saw a fortune teller the other day.
She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I fucked a girl called Penny - is that spooky or what?
_____________________________________________________
The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?" .... Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer .
_______________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
What's the difference between an illegal Mexican and ET?
ET looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn't claim benefits, had his own fucking bike, and wanted to go home!
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Longest nerve in the body
Learning something new every day keeps Alzheimer away.......
and a laugh a day keeps the doctor away.............................................
Always learn new stuff!
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?
It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.
If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring tears to your eyes..
My public service is done for the day!
Keep laughing...life is too short to take too seriously |
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"A new survey shows how much time we waste every day. For example, we waste seven minutes in line waiting for coffee, 28 minutes getting through airport security, and four years waiting for President Obama to do something about the economy."
~Jay Leno |
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"President Obama is so confident that he's thinking about letting Joe Biden start speaking again."
–Jay Leno |
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Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice
cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated
some deep thinking on various topics. Finally I thought about an age old
question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy
getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy
deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is
the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will
often say, "it might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,
"You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
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The Italian Man of His House with his Italian wife!
Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled,
'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,
'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal,
you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs
with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring
me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's
going to dress me and comb my hair?'
His Sicilian wife Gina replied, 'The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess.' |
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THE IRISH PROSTITUTE
An Irish daughter had not been home for several years. Upon her return, her father cussed her "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us ? not even a line. Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?".
The girl, crying, replied, Sniff, sniff...."Dad. . I became a prostitute..."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so yer are."
"OK, Daddy-- as ye wish. I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur coat and title deed to a ten room mansion. For me little brother Seamus this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club......... .................. (takes a breath)..... ........ and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my yacht in the Caribbean and... ."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.
Girl, crying again, Sniff, sniff.... "A prostitute Daddy!" Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death girl! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT. Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug.
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If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this.
The language used is a bit salty, but he tells it like it is without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this,....CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.( I think this is the model I have) I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few
things:
1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
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Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' (true story) And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally,they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.' 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says.. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming. But still.... Total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father shouted. 'I'll do the fuckin' dishes!!' |
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A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ...
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
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The Gold Urinal
Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for some campaign advice, at their spacious home.After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow!That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. "Just think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal.But I wouldn't have something so self-indulgent!"Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, Bill had a gold urinal.That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed,Hillary smiled, and said to Bill:"I found out who peed in your saxophone." |
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A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that
I am bigger than that…If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said,
"Your fucking brother won't let me in without a tie!" |
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Granny at the Golf Course
An elderly lady was walking on the golf course on the island of Martha's Vineyard. She slipped and fell.
Obama who was behind her by chance, helped her to get up promptly. She thanked him and he answered
"It was a pleasure to help you. Don't you recognize me? I am your president.
Are you going to vote for me in the next election? "
The elderly woman laughed and replied:
''You know ... I fell on my ass ... not on my head...... |
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The phone rings, and the wife answers.
A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight asshole with no
hair?"
Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"
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A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.
So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks..
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.
This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.
He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
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Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing hoodies arrived.
St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said "Wait here. I will be right back."
St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting to come in.
God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you, you can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are
loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"
St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says "Well, they're gone."
"The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.
"No. The Pearly Gates."
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Today I had to run to King Soopers in Bergen Park - our local food store. As I approached the entrance, I noticed a driver looking for a parking space. I flagged the driver and pointed out a parking space in the handicap area. The driver looked puzzled. ''I'm not handicapped'' she said. Well, was my face red. ''Oh, sorry about that, I saw your Obama sticker and just presumed...''
She gave me the finger and called me some nasty names.
Sheesh! Some people... and you're just trying to help them.
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Wine Does NOT Make You FAT
It Makes You LEAN..
Against Tables, Chairs, Floors, Walls and Ugly People. |
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The United States Navy intercepted three boatloads of people off the coast of Miami today. This placed the Navy in an awkward position, as the boats were not heading to, but away from Miami towards Cuba .
Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with Americans who were all seniors of pension age. Their claim was that they were trying to get to the Cuba so as to be able to return to the US as illegal immigrants and therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate US pensioners.
The Navy, it is believed, gave them food, water and fuel and assisted them on their journey.
We are booking the next boat out; let me know if you want to come. |
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Investing Tip
I called my stockbroker this morning and asked him what I should be investing in as I feel interest rates are going to be rising as they did during the late 70's and early 80's.
So I told him I thought we ought to be looking to getting out of bonds and looking for a safe haven to invest.
Should we move to precious metals, foreign currency or what?
He said to me, "If the current President is in office much longer, canned goods, water and ammunition are your best bet."
Thought I'd pass along the advice my broker gave me. |
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I met a living angel last Nite she is more beautiful in person then her photos |
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Obama died, and George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the Nation I helped conceive?"
Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."
James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Obama with a cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."
The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the radical, socialist, leader.
As Obama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Obama wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."
The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 VIRGINIANS waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?" . . . "You really need to listen when someone is trying to tell you something!"
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Ethical Dilemma
The doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: "You’re a veterinarian, you sick bastard." |
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Hey Fellas do you ever have sex that is so good?
that you go home and tell your wife about it? |
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Scottish Golf Caddy
During his golfing vacation at Martha's Vineyard - President Obama had
been slicing off the tee on every hole.
He asks his Scottish caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons for his
poor tee shots, to which the caddy replies:
"Aye, there's a piece of shyt on the end of yer driver. "
The President picks up his driver and cleans the club face, at which point
the caddy says:
"No, the other end |
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COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America .
ABBOTT: Good subject. Terrible times. It's about 9%.
COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?
ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.
COSTELLO: You just said 9%.
ABBOTT: 9% Unemployed.
COSTELLO: Right 9% out of work.
ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.
COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 16% unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, that's 9%...
COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 9% or 16%?
ABBOTT: 9% are unemployed. 16% are out of work.
COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.
COSTELLO: But ... they are out of work!
ABBOTT: No, you miss my point.
COSTELLO: What point?
ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work, can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.
COSTELLO: To who?
ABBOTT: The unemployed.
COSTELLO: But they are ALL out of work.
ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work... Those who are out of work stopped looking. They gave up. And, if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.
COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles, that would count as less unemployment?
ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!
COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?
ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how you get to 9%. Otherwise it would be 16%. You don't want to read about 16% unemployment do ya?
COSTELLO: That would be frightening.
ABBOTT: Absolutely.
COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means they're two ways to bring down the unemployment number?
ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.
COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?
ABBOTT: Correct.
COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?
ABBOTT: Bingo.
COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to just stop looking for work.
ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an economist.
COSTELLO: I don't even know what the hell I just said!
And now you know why Obama's unemployment figures are improving!
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President Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk he
offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.
" Walter," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Walter?
"I have four questions:
First, Why did we Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?
Second, Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's
actually gotten worse?
Third, Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor,
then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?
Fourth, Why are we lending $ to Brazil to drill for oil, but
America is not allowed to drill for oil?"
Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that
they will continue after recess. When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time.. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.
"Steve," he responds.
"And what is your question, Steve?"
Actually, I have two questions.
First, Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?
Second, What the hell happened to Walter?"
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To All My Democrat Friends:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/s...ecular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2012, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishes.
To My Republican Friends:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! |
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If it Sounds Like Marx....
and Acts Like Stalin....
It is Probably Obama !!!!
If a Man Yells You Lie! in a room full of Politicians,
How Do you know who he is Talking Too?
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After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test by the Canadian National Health Service, a guy decided to have this next test carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating.
As he lay naked on his side on the table and the nurse began the examination.
"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," said the nurse.
"I haven't got an erection," said the man.
"No, but I have," replied the nurse.
Moral: Don't have this procedure done in San Francisco! |
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JEWISH POKER CLUB
Seven retired Jewish Floridian's were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other six continue playing, but standing up. At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks,
"So, who's gonna tell his wife?"
They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the bad news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, & don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet..? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me..!"
Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?
Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.
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Indian Wanting Coffee:
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:
 
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.....
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! 
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says,
"Training for position in United States Congress.
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up,
Disappear for rest of day."
NOVEMBER 2012 VOTE WISELY! |
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Who is the Y Generation ?
People born before 1946 were called The Silent generation..
People born between 1946 and 1964 are called The Baby Boomers.
People born between 1965 and 1979 are called Generation X.
And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called Generation Y.
... Why do we call the last group Generation Y?
Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?
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Pinocchio, Snow White & Superman
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one Day.
As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering!" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?" "First Place !," said Snow White.
... They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?" "First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes. "What happened?" they asked.
"Who is Barrack Obama?" asked Pinocchio
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a
maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for
change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN McCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he
recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the
chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little
chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified
to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets
the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't
about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not.
The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground
here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the
satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am
now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about
the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against
it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black
chickens.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize
that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road
before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we
need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on
his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is
why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the
chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of
life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just
drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the
chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but
we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the
road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can
see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been
told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be
listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming
story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to
accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2011, which will not only
cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and
balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of
eChicken2011. This new platform is much more stable and will never
reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road
move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one? |
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SAD NEWS - Please join me in remembering YET ANOTHER great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Dough Boy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dill Dough, plus they had one in the Oven. Services were held at 350 for about 20 minutes |
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Men TeachingClasses for Women at
Continue education center at the College of Southern Nevada
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Friday July 22nd 2011
...NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .
Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..
Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down,
or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a
Purse and a Suitcase--
Pictures and Explanatory Graphic s.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM
Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield and without wrecking.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to Shop by
Yourself.Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
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My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that..... 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the laundry is building up!"
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my ass! Do you think I should change dentists?
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening. "
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.
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why she changed Hotels
Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum....
She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you? . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I' m ready!! Now how does that sound?"
He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
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A Country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood,lifting sacks of feed,and bales of hay,she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.
She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope, you are! I'm gonna burn down the Barn!!!"
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Holistic Medicine
Ahkmed the Arab came to America from the Middle East , and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.
Finally, he went to an Arabic doctor who ...said: 'Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, poop in de bucket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'
Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the doctor he said, 'It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?'
The doctor said .... 'You were homesick'
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A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up my date at her parents’ home.
I’d scraped together enough money to take her to a very nice restaurant.
She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster. Champagne.
I asked her, “Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?”
“No,” she replied. “but my mother’s not expecting a blow job tonight.”
I said "Enjoy..." |
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Appropriate Holiday Greeting
To My Liberal Democrat Friends:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2011, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. This wish is made without regard to the race, creed, appearance, origin, shape, color, age, size, physical ability, intellect, religious faith or lack thereof, or sexual preference or lack thereof of the wished, whether living or dead. The wisher herein expressly claims to be held harmless from any mis-interpretations of the wish as above granted.
To My Conservative Republican Friends: Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
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The Greatest man in history named Jesus had no servants, yet they called him Master. Had no degree, yet they called him Teacher. Had no medicines, yet they called him Healer. He had no army, yet kings feared Him. He won no military battles, yet he conquered the world. He committed no crime, yet they crucified Him. He was buried in a tomb, yet He lives today. Re-post if you believe with your heart...Merry CHRISTmas |
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Regarding the mosque near ground zero, I say let them build it. But across the
street, we should put a topless bar called " You Mecca Me Hot", next to
that a gay bar called "The Turban Cowboy" Next to that a pork rib place
called "Iraq o' Ribs" and a cash checking center called " Iran out of
...Money "Let's see who's ...really tolerant! Thanks |
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Interesting piece of history:
In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine .
In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
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Best quote of the week:
Obama said : "Some people in DC talk about me like a dog"......
Fred Thompson replied :
"Maybe it's because he keeps treating this country like a fire hydrant"
Way to go Fred !! |
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Mr. Wilson
……Why he’s divorced.........
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast
Hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
And possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
She barely said good morning,
Let alone'Happy Birthday.'
I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
But the kids...They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
And didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
And somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
My secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
And by the way
Happy Birthday!'
It felt a little better
That at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock,
When Jane knocked on my door
And said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
And it is your Birthday,
What do you say we go out to lunch,
Just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.Let's go!'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
Where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
With a private table.
We had two martinis each
And I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We?'
I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
For just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,
After a couple of minutes,
She came out
Carrying a huge birthday cake...
Followed by my wife,
My kids, and dozens of my friends
And co-workers,
All singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked. |
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TO START A FIGHT
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat
alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right
after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober
since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else
to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something
more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a
minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When
you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a
limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50
mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered
that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now
with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........ |
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Your Parrott Is Dead !
At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She came home very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!!"
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"Recession is when your neighbor loses his Job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Obama Loses His."
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree - and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
Jay Leno
America needs Obama-Care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
Jay Leno
Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
Conan O'Brian
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser. Jay Leno
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners. David Letterman
Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the
ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A. America. Fallon
Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers. Kimmel
Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road. David Letterman |
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Love it.
HOW TO SELL ... TOOTHBRUSHES
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she
said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit
and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone
that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
The teacher held her breath ...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full
of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher,
"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a
Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"
Then I would say, "It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
"I used the Obamanonics approach of giving you something shitty that
they say is good, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your
mouth."
The teacher was speechless. . . . . . . . | | |
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January 2013
-----One sunny day in January, 2013 an old man approached
the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue , where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."
The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been
here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."
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Democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give it to those who are not.
...Thomas Jefferson |
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Apple does it again!
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them |
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The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husband say so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh..'
Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.'
Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?' |
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I THINK IT IS REMARKABLE THAT THE PRESS CAN FIND EVERY WOMAN WITH WHOM TIGER HAS HAD AN AFFAIR IN THE LAST FEW YEARS, WITH PHOTOS, TEXT MESSAGES, RECORDED PHONE CALLS, ETC.
THEY KNOW NOT ONLY THE CAUSE OF THE FAMILY FIGHT, BUT THEY EVEN KNOW IT WAS A WEDGE FROM HIS GOLF BAG THAT SHE USED TO BREAK OUT THE WINDOWS IN THE ESCALADE. NOT ONLY THAT, THEY KNOW WHICH WEDGE!!!
THIS IS THE SAME PRESS (OR IS IT?) THAT CANNOT LOCATE OBAMA'S OFFICIAL BIRTH CERTIFICATE ... OR ANY OF HIS PAPERS WHILE IN COLLEGE......OR HOW HE PAID FOR A HARVARD EDUCATION...(or Michelle Obama's Princeton thesis on racism.) TRULY REMARKABLE!!!!! |
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I went to apply for a job in a Florida lemon grove.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!
"I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Toyotas, and I voted for Obama. |
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A guy walked into the local Welfare Office to pick up his check. He marched
straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his
2009 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of
the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort
the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say
but you will also have, as part of your job assignment, to satisfy her
sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex
drive. A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc.
located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the
salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
...
...
The social worker said, "Yeah, well. You started it..." |
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The Last Nickel
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young
boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts
choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has
swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs
up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is
panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman in a blue business
suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup
of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee
cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets
up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the
boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then
ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and
coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free
hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the
father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a
word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
Father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've
never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are
you a doctor?"
"No", the woman replied. "I'm with the IRS."
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Lay-off
>> letter from an excellent boss.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Dear
>> Employees:
>>
>> As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to
>> the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our
>> taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.
>>
>> To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to
>> increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our
>> prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we
>> will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead.
>>
>> This has really been bothering me since I believe we are
>> family here and I didn't know how to choose who would
>> have to go.
>>
>> So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots
>> and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our
>> employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the
>> ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way
>> to approach this problem. They voted
>> for change...... I gave it to them.
>>
>> I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.
>>
>> THE
>> BOSS
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Subject: Doctors and Unemployment
An Israeli doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced
that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and
have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says, "That is nothing; we can take a lung out
of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four
weeks."
A Russian doctor says,"In my country, medicine is so advanced
that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in
another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
An Illinois doctor, says,"You guys are way behind. We recently
took a man with no brains out of Illinois, put him in the White House and
within six months half the country is looking for work!"
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POEM IN THE WORLD
I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.
But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp--
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.
There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
Who never said anything nice.
Herb, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.
I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.
'And why is everyone so quiet,
So somber - give me a clue.'
'Hush, child,' He said, 'they're all in shock.
No one thought they'd be seeing you.'
JUDGE NOT!!
Remember...Just going to church doesn't make you a
Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.
Every saint has a PAST...
Every sinner has a FUTURE!
Now it's your turn... Share th |
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Dept of Defense briefed the president this morning.They told Obama that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's surprise,all the color drained from,his face. Then collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken,almost in tears. Finally, he composed himself and asked,'Just how many is a brazili...an?' (not surprising, since he obviously has no understanding of billion or trillion either.) |
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QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME....
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway...
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why, Why, Why
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE........
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
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Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus"
offered by an English professor from the University of Colorado for a class assignment:
The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new
form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair
off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.
As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short
story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to
me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph
to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first
person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.
Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the
story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails
and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is
over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of his English students:
Rebecca (PINK)
Bill (BLUE).
THE STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off
Carl. His possessiveness was suffo cating, and if she thought about him too
much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the
question.
(second paragraph by Bill )
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now
in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the
neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had
spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he
said into his transgalactic communicator. " Polar orbit established. No sign
of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam
flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The
jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the
cockpit.
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one
last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever
had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law
Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper
one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared
out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly
and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from
her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why
must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
( Bill )
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of
miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its
lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the
Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth
a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to
destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the
Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to
pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly
initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam , felt the
inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing
partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
( Bill )
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose
attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. " Oh, shall I
have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no,
what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle
Steele novels!"
(Rebecca)
A$$h@le.
( Bill )
B*tch!
(Rebecca)
F*** YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!
( Bill )
In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.
(TEACHER)
A+ - I really liked this one. |
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A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon
an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the
opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less
serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was
given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had
happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the
highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw
each other and both of us took cover in the ditches along the road. I
yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlifescum bag who
got what he deserved. And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying,
good-for-nothing,left wing Commie who isn't even an American. So I said
that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited
lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy
Pelosi!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a
truck hit us."
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I was at the store yesterday, and I ran into Tarzan! I asked him
> > how it was going and if he was into anymore movies.
> >
> > He told me that he could no longer make any more movies as he had
> > severe arthritis in both shoulders and could no longer swing from
> > vine to tree.
> >
> > I asked how Jane was doing, he told me she was in bad shape, in a
> > nursing home, has Alzheimer's and no longer recognizes anyone, how
> > sad.
> >
> > I asked about Boy, and he told me that Boy had gone to the big city,
> > got hooked up with bad women, drugs, alcohol, and the only time he
> > heard from him was if he was in trouble or needed something.
> >
> > I asked about Cheeta, he beamed and said she was doing good, had
> > married a Lawyer and now lived in the White House!!!
> >
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An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.
"Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks. "$100," she replies.
In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?" "No" she says."
"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style." "No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.
"I pay you $400." "No," she says.
So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style." She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now.
I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?"
So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, after several hours, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"
The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."
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The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama on it.
The Postal Service noticed that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.
This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation. After a
month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special
Presidential commission presented the following findings:
1.The stamp is in perfect order.
2.There is nothing wrong with the glue.
3. People are spitting on the wrong side. |
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How is this for nostalgia?
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Remember when Ronald Reagan was president.
We also had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash...
Now we have Obama and no Hope and no Cash. |
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Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica
- where do they go ?
Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives
an
extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well
as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring
throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family
and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their
vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird
to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Then they kick him in the ice hole."
You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you! |
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Saying Goodbye to Mother
SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER......
You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one! You don't even have to like 'em!
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
The cab driver hit a parked car. |
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READ AND TAKE NECESSARY CORRECTIVE ACTION.
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of a communicable disease. The disease is contracted through ignorant, promiscuous, and irresponsible behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectem and is pronounced "gonna
re-elect ‘em."
Many victims contracted it in 2008, after having being "brainwashed" with promised change
and then screwed. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how widespread this disease has become since it is so easily cured...by voting out all incumbents!
Apparently, there is a vaccine available in Massachusetts |
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Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. |
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A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain , they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." |
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Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'
'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.
'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.
'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'
'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the mother fucker.
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You gotta love Robin Williams........Even if he's nuts! Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.
Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!)
"I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan."
1) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those "good 'ole' boys", we will never "interfere" again.
2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany , South Korea , the Middle East , and the Philippines . They don't want us there. We would station our troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.
3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.
4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in.
If you don't like it in your country change it yourself and don't try to hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-1 1 cashiers.
5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers.
If they don't attend classes,or they get a "D" it's back home baby.
6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while
7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of their wells filling up their storage sites would be enough.)
8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. ! Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.
9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH..learn it...or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?
"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?
If you agree with the above forward it to friends...If not, and I would be amazed, DELETE it!! |
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THE LAST SENTENCE IS THE MOST CHILLING
Lou Pritchett is one of corporate America's true living legends- an acclaimed author, dynamic teacher and one of the world's highest rated speakers. Successful corporate executives everywhere recognized him as the foremost leader in change management. Lou changed the way
America does business by creating an audacious concept that came to be known as "partnering." Pritchett rose from soap salesman to Vice-President, Sales and Customer Development for Procter and Gamble and over the course of 36 years, made corporate history.
AN OPEN LETTER TO PRESIDENT OBAMA
Dear President Obama:
You are the thirteenth President under whom I have lived and unlike any of the others, you truly scare me.
You scare me because after months of exposure, I know nothing about you.
You scare me because I do not know how you paid for your expensive Ivy League education and your upscale lifestyle and housing with no visible signs of support.
You scare me because you did not spend the formative years of youth growing up in America and culturally you are not an American.
You scare me because you have never run a company or met a payroll.
You scare me because you have never had military experience, thus don't understand it at its core.
You scare me because you lack humility and 'class', always blaming others.
You scare me because for over half your life you have aligned yourself with radical extremists who hate America and you refuse to publicly denounce these radicals who wish to see America fail.
You scare me because you are a cheerleader for the 'blame America ' crowd and deliver this message abroad.
You scare me because you want to change America to a European style country where the government sector dominates instead of the private sector.
You scare me because you want to replace our health care system with a government controlled one.
You scare me because you prefer 'wind mills' to responsibly capitalizing on our own vast oil, coal and shale reserves.
You scare me because you want to kill the American capitalist goose that lays the golden egg which provides the highest standard of living in the world.
You scare me because you have begun to use 'extortion' tactics against certain banks and corporations.
You scare me because your own political party shrinks from challenging you on your wild and irresponsible spending proposals.
You scare me because you will not openly listen to or even consider opposing points of view from intelligent people.
You scare me because you falsely believe that you are both omnipotent and omniscient.
You scare me because the media gives you a free pass on everything you do.
You scare me because you demonize and want to silence the Limbaugh's, Hannitys, O'Reillys and Becks who offer opposing conservative points of view.
You scare me because you prefer controlling over governing..
Finally, you scare me because if you serve a second term I will probably not feel safe in writing a similar letter in 8 years.
Lou Pritchett
CHECK: http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/youscareme.asp
http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/p/pritchett-obama-youscareme.htm
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Proper military etiquette
The Commandant of the Marine Corps was General Al Gray, a crusty old
'Field Marine.' He loved his Marines and often slipped into the mess
hall wearing a faded old field jacket without any rank or insignia on
it. He would go through the chow line just like a private (In this
way, he was assured of being given the same rations that the lowest
enlisted man received. And, woe be it to the mess officer if the food
was found to be 'unfit in quality or quantity').
Upon becoming Commandant, General Gray was expected to do a great deal
of 'formal entertaining'...fancy dinner parties in full dress blue
uniform. Now, the General would rather have been in the field eating
cold 'C-rats' around a fighting hole with a bunch of young 'hard
charging' Marines. But the General knew his duty and as a Marine he
was determined to do it to the best of his ability.
During these formal parties, a detachment of highly polished Marines
from 'Eighth and Eye' (Marine Barracks located at 8th and I Streets in
Washington, D.C., home of the Silent Drill Team) were detailed to
assume the position of 'parade rest' at various intervals around the
ballroom where the festivities were being held.
At some point during one of these affairs, a very refined, blue-haired
lady picked up a tray of pastries and went around the room offering
confections to the guests. When she noticed these Marines in dress
blues, standing like sculptures all around the room, she was moved
with admiration. She knew that several of these men were fresh from
our victory in Kuwait . She made a beeline for the closest Lance
Corporal, drew near him and asked, 'Would you like pastry young man?'
The young Marine snapped to 'attention' and replied, "I don't eat that
shit, Ma'am." Just as quickly, he resumed the position of 'parade
rest.' His gaze remained fixed on some distant point throughout the
exchange.
The fancy lady was completely taken aback! She blinked, her eyes
widened, her mouth dropped open. So startled was she that she
immediately began to doubt what she had heard. In a quivering voice
she asked, "W-W-What did you say?"
The Marine snapped back to the position of 'attention' (like the arm
of a mousetrap smacking it's wooden base). Then he said, '"I don't eat
that shit, Ma'am." And just as smartly as before, back to the position
of 'parade rest' he went.
This time, there was no doubt. The fancy lady immediately became
incensed and felt insulted. After all, here she was an important lady,
taking the time to offer something nice to this enlisted man (well
below her station in life), and he had the nerve to say THAT to HER!
She exclaimed, "Well! I never...!" The lady remembered that she had
met that military man in charge of all these 'soldiers' earlier. She
spotted General Gray from across the room.. He had a cigar clenched
between his teeth and a camouflaged canteen cup full of bourbon in his
left hand. He was talking to a group of 1st and 2nd Lieutenants. So
blue haired lady went straight over to the Commandant and interrupted.
"General, I offered some pastry to that young man over there, and do
you know what he told me?"
General Gray cocked his eyebrow, took the cigar out of his mouth and
said, "Well, no Ma'am, I don't." The lady took in a deep breath,
confident that she was adequately expressing with her body language
her considerable rage and indignation. As she wagged her head in
cadence with her words, and she paused between each word for effect,
'She said, "I - don't - eat - that - shit - Ma'am!''
The lieutenants were in a state of near apoplexy. A couple of them
choked back chuckles, and turned their heads to avoid having their
smirks detected. The next thought that most of them had was, 'God, I
hope it wasn't one of MY Marines!' and the color left their faces.
General Gray wrinkled his brow, cut his eyes in the direction of the
lieutenants, put his free hand to his chin and muttered a subdued,
"Hmmm Which one did you say it was Ma'am?," the General asked.
"That tall sturdy one right over there near the window, General," the
woman said with smug satisfaction. One of the lieutenants began to
look sick and put a hand on the wall for support. General Gray, seemed
deep in thought, hand still to his chin, wrinkled brow. Suddenly, he
looked up and his expression changed to one indicating he had made a
decision.
He looked the fancy lady right in the eyes and said, "Well, fuck him!
Don't give him any."
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Just in case you weren't feeling too old today.
The people who are starting college this fall were born in 1991.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
The CD was introduced two years before they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been microwaved.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: 'Where's the Beef?', 'I'd walk a mile for a Camel ', or 'de plane Boss, de plane'.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.
Notice the larger type?
That's for those of us who have trouble reading.
P.S. Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate. |
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Phone Call Cost
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While
there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them
it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5
minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million
dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was
finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen
Elizabeth writes him a check. Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4
hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no
charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call
the USA free. The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA , the
country has gone to hell, so it's a local call." | |
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One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine.
This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his Father got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. So she asked him, "What should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him." |
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TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
I was on my way to spend my money at Lowe's Home Improvement
this morning to do my part to stimulate the
economy and I found
myself behind this little rice burner of a car
bearing a bumper
sticker that read, "We did it!" -
"Obama / Biden".
Well, as luck would have it she pulled along
side of me at a
red light about a half mile down the road. I
beeped my horn and gave her a big thumbs up.
She rolled down her window and I said,
"I love your bumper
sticker! She thanked me. And I quickly added,
"It's good that
you are taking responsibility for
your mistake!"
She gave me the finger and drove off. -
Humorless Bitch.
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Met a Beatifull sexy woman
who had Merry Christmas tattoo on the front on the right leg
on the other leg she had Happy New Year
She Ask me to come visit her between the Hoildays |
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"I am wishing you the fondest of holiday seasons, filled with
the richest of family blessings, sprinkled heavily with unconditional love, peace, and harmony. Wishing you peace in your heart from much abundance, hope, and accomplishment. Let the childs spirit fill your life with fun and laughter!
This is my sincere wish for each of YOU!
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
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Most common sexual position in marrried couples today is Doggy Style !!!
the Husband Sits and Begs for the Pussy
While the wife rolls over and plays dead |
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Tiger Woods Holiday Poem
Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house
Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse.
She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,
Cause a bimbo's phone number was in his Blackberry.
He'd been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.
Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.
He'd been cheatin' with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,
With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.
From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,
Tiger's sad sordid tale was all over the news.
With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.
Despite all his cryin' and beggin' and pleadin',
Tiger's wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden.
And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,
"If you're gettin' laid then I'm gettin' paid."
She's not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,
Her prenup made Christmas come early this year. | |
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Love is like a 3 ring circus. Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering! LOL |
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The Frog and Golf
A man goes out golfing.
He is on the second hole when
He notices a frog sitting next to
The green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to
Prove the frog wrong, puts the club
Away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog,
"Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, he?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with
Him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!
Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed
The best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."
" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table,
The man asks, "What do you think I
Should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across
The table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies,
"Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a
Gorgeous girl.
"And that
is how the girl ended up in
My room Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."
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It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do.
All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want
to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven
Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go
home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says,
"Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than
before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your
country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may
also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says,
"I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: \
"NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?" |
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I know some of the people would this fun
One thing about the Aussies is that their hearts and humor are always in the right place!
T. B. Bechtel, a City Councilor from Newcastle , Australia , was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists.
His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.
"If by hooking up one rag head, terrorist prisoner's, testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camel shaggier and this will save just one Australian life, then I have only three things to say, Red is positive, Black is negative, and make sure his nuts are wet" |
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Obama will be making no more public speeches in Texas.... He claims every time he gets up on stage to make a speech, some damn South Texas cotton farmer starts bidding on him.
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Dear Mr. Grim Reaper,
So far this year you have taken away my favorite dancer and entertainer Michael Jackson, favorite actor Patrick Swayze, and favorite actress Farrah Fawcett.
Just so you know, my favorite politician is Barrack Obama.
Thank you |
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> PRESIDENT OBAMA's GOLF CZAR ANNOUNCES THE FOLLOWING RULE CHANGES TO THE GAME OF GOLF
>
>
> Golfers with handicaps:
> - below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%
> - between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees
> - above 18 will play for free and in some cases, with proper paperwork,
> will even get a check from the club/course played.
>
> Golfers with handicaps above 27 will be allowed to turn in their existing
> 'clunker' golf clubs and will receive a one-time federal government stimulus
> payment of $2,500 for them. This program will, however, require them to
> purchase new golf clubs.
>
> The $ amount put in for bets will be as follows:
> - for handicaps below 10 an additional $10
> - between 11 and 18 no additional amount
> - above 18 you will immediately withdraw $10 from the pot.
>
> The term "gimme putt" will be changed to "entitlement putt" and will be
> used as follows:
> - handicaps below 10, no entitlements
> - handicaps 11 to 18, entitlements for putter-length putts
> - handicaps above 18, if on green, no need to ever putt; just pick it up
>
> In addition, a Player will be limited to a max of one birdie and/or six
> pars, any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet
> scored a birdie or par. Only after all players in the foursome have
> received a birdie or par from the player making the birdie or par, can that
> Player again begin to count his score with anything lower than a bogie.
>
> The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes but the
> term 'net score' will become the 'gross score' for scoring those players
> with handicaps 19 and above. No longer will America's high handicap golfers
> suffer the 'food stamp' syndrome of being judged by 'net scores'.
>
> This is intended to 'redistribute' the success of winning to golf's
> 'rightful owners' - higher handicap golfers. These brave people have
> faithfully paid their club dues and green fees. They have stuck with the
> game while being frustrated, laughed at, and emotionally abused by the
> continual successes of better golfers.
>
> Trophies in America will no longer celebrate 1st place victories in golf.
> The most honor and prizes will be given to those players in future
> tournaments who finish in 9th place. Runner-up awards will be given to
> those who finished closest to 9th
> place.
>
> (Example: 8th place and 10th place will receive equal runner-up prizes.)
>
> Per OBAMA.
>
> "These new Rules are intended to provide CHANGE and HOPE for regular
> golfers. America will be leveling the playing field for everyone, not just
> the best golfers. The time for fairness in golf has finally come!"
>
> Warning: Any golfer, golf official or golf group violating these rules
> will be convicted of "golf discrimination" and will be assessed an extra
> 20% surtax penalty |
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The US troops in Afghanistan proved they have retained their sense of humor, one of them sent this.
"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can 't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least two.
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat. |
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Old Butch
John was in the chicken business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters. He kept records, and any rooster not performing
went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report
by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize
but they also awarded him the Pullet-surprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible |
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During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long. |
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A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"
The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.
The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"
The man answered "oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'inter-stellar space travel', 'the latest medical break through, etc.......
The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked
what he would have? "A Martini please." Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?"
This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.
The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"??
This time the man drawled out "Uh..... about 50".
The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked, ...................
"A-r-e? y-o-u-r? p-e-o-p-l-e??? h-a-p-p-y? w-i-t-h O-B-A-M-A????? |
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MORALS...
You are driving down the road in your 2-seater sports car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.
Never forget to, 'Think Outside of the Box’.
HOWEVER.... the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery because Obama's health care won't pay for her anyway; have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
God, I love happy endings! |
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The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.
'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.
'I can't do the gas thing The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!' the patient replied.
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'
The dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'
'It doesn't,' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you
something to hold on to when I pull your tooth!!'
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WOMAN ' S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She ' s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Keep reading-they get better!!!
WOMEN ' S REVENGE
' Cash, check or charge? ' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
' So, do you always carry your TV remote? ' I asked.
' No, ' she replied , ' but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally. '
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UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN ' S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I ' m not going to understand women.
I ' ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
' It is essential that husbands and wives know each other ' s likes and dislikes. '
He addressed the man,
' Can you name your wife ' s favorite flower? '
Tom leaned over, touched his wife ' s arm gently and whispered, ' It ' s Pillsbury, isn ' t it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy=2 0and wanders up & down the aisles..
The sales girl notice s him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, ' Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, ' You see, it ' s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it ' s sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, ' Relatives of yours? '
' Yep, ' the wife replied, ' in-laws. '
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man ' s 15,000.
The wife replied, ' The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, ' What? '
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, ' I don ' t know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
' The wife responded, ' Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, ' You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don ' t have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee. '
Wife replies, ' No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee. '
Husband replies, ' I can ' t believe that, show me. '
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ' HEBREWS '
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
' Please wake me at 5:00 AM. ' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furi ous, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn ' t wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, ' It is 5:00 AM. Wake up. '
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece
SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT
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Many people think that law enforcement officers are
cold and really don't care about people's
feelings. Well here's one of those rare
heartwarming stories from the real world of
law enforcement that should change your mind.
Police Report:
Lexington Police Department reports finding a
man's body in the Kentucky river just west
of the Clays Ferry Bridge . The dead man's name
will not be released until his family has been
notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer
consumption. He was wearing black fishnet stockings,
a red garter belt, a strap-on dildo, and an Obama T-shirt.
He also had a cucumber stuffed up his butt.
The police officers removed the Obama T-shirt to spare
The victims family any unnecessary embarrassment. |
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Did you know:
That the words race car spelled backward says race car.
That eat is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells it's past tense ate.
And
Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells out:
"Fuck off and go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid producing, violent, non-English speaking cocksuckers and take those hairy faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat fucking, smelly rag head bastards with you."
How weird is that? |
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In memoriam:
Q: What are Ed McMahon, Farrah
Fawcett and Michael Jackson
getting for Christmas?
A: Patrick Swayze
Q, What's the difference
between Farrah Fawcett and MJ?
A, One did Majors, one did
minors.
Q: What's the difference
between MJ and Farrah Fawcett?
A: About three hours.
Q. What was MJ's last hit?
A. The floor.
Q. What were MJ's final
words?
A. "Take me to the
children's hospital."
Q. Why did MJ die at 3:15?
A. That's when the big hand
is on the little hand.
Q. Why do jockeys respect MJ so much?
A. He rode more 3 year olds
than anyone.
Q. What's the difference between MJ and acne.
A. Acne usually waits until you
are 15 to come on your face.
Q. Why was MJ kicked out of the
Boy Scouts the day before he died?
A. He was up to a pack a day.
MJ woke up on the gurney and asked the paramedic if he'd died and gone to heaven. The paramedic said, "No, we're just wheeling you through the children's ward."
When MJ's doctor called 911, they asked how sick he was. The doctor said, "He's in bed with two young boys.
How sick is that?"
Former child star Macaulay > Culkin remembering MJ: "He touched me
in ways only a Catholic priest would understand."
The Boy Scouts are mourning
MJ's death by wearing their pants at
half-mast.
Say what you like about MJ, at
least he drove past schools
slowly.
McDonald;s announced a new
burger in MJ's honor. A 50 year old
piece of meat between ten year old buns.
Police say MJ might have died
from an allergic reaction to
eating 12 year old nuts.
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The Hair Cut...
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Democratic Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the sho p.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
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Booty Call Papers....
This pre-booty call agreement (hereinafter referred to as the "Agreement") is entered into on the _____ day of __________, 2005, by _______________________ (hereinafter referred to as "The Pimp") and ______________ (hereinafter referred to as "My Biatch").
THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES:
1. No sleeping over -- unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning.
2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening.
3. No calls before 9 PM - we don't have anything to talk about.
4. None of that "lovemaking" stuff -- only sex allowed.
5. No emotional discussions (i.e., Where are we heading with this? Do you love me?) The answer is no, so don't ask.
6. No plans made in advance -- that is why you are called the "backup, " unless you are from out-of-town, then it's only a one-time advanced arrangement.
7. All gifts accepted -- money is always good.
8. No baby talk -- however, dirty talk is encouraged.
9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers -- it's really none of your damn business.
10. No calling each other "friends with privileges" we are not friends, just sex buddies.
11. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK - don't be offended.
12. No extra clothing - I don't want you leaving anything behind when you leave.
13. No falling asleep right after sex -- it's over, so get up, get dressed and go home.
14. Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it - I don't care.
15. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.
16. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: "My cousin."
17. Doggie style is the preferred position -- the reason is less eye contact the better.
19. No glove, no love. Go home.
20. Bring your own drink - I am not your liquor store.
21. No phone use, please -- don't want anyone calling back looking for you.
* EXTRA TIP FOR SUCCESSFUL BOOTY CALLS:
The aforementioned rules may only be altered by the holder of the agreement. If the other party attempts to change or alter any terms of this Agreement, it will automatically become null and void and you will then be removed from the BOOTY CALL LIST and deleted from phone memory and email list. In other words, you will be BLOCKED from all communications until you understand the rules.
Participating Party
Signature_______________________________________
Date: ________________
Participating Party
Signature_______________________________________
Date: ________________ |
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New Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream Flavor
In honor of the 44th President of the United States, Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: "Barocky Road."
Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.
The cost is $100.00 per scoop.
When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but then the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you.
You are left with an empty wallet and no change, holding an empty cone with no hope of getting any ice cream.
Are you stimulated?
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A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope
with trembling hands and read the letter.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion....Dad she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy..
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can
get to know your grandchildren.
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.
Call me when it's safe to come home |
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New Girlfriend
A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend..
After having great sex, she
spent the next hour gently scratching his nuts... something she seemed to love to do.
Somewhat puzzled by this,
he turned and asked her,
"Why do You love doing that?"
"Because," she replied, "I really miss mine!" |
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Happy St. Patty’s Day
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'
THERE'S MORE...
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'
IT IS NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'
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AND THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED
>
> One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a
> cemetery plot
> as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a
> gift.
> When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still
> haven't used the
> gift I bought you last year!"
> And that's how the fight started.....
> ************************************************************************
> My wife walked into the den & asked "What¹s on
> the tv?"
> I replied "Dust".
> And that's how the fight started.....
> *******************************
> *****************************************
> A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
> She is not happy with what she sees and says to her
&g
t; husband, 'I feel
> horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to
> pay me a
> compliment.
' The husband replies, 'Your
> eyesight's damn near perfect.
'
> And that's how the fight started.....
> ************************************************* | | | | |
