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"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."


Mark Twain






This profile, though it might seem out of place, is in fact, my testimony, my words, with the help of clear internet sites, to what happens when the body, mind, and emotions are subjegated to pain, to torture, to extreme stress and duress....*(see bottom of page)





and, if that happened as a child, and is repeated as an adult, weither in unexperienced BDSM situations, or wilfully by a sadist....




the results may be a mild form of dissociation or a VERY MUCH FULL BLOWN IDENTITY SHIFT,
shattering one's fragile state of mind...and one's life.



I have, even though undiagnosed, but, obvious to those who live(d) with me, and love(d) me....


a condition called:
DISSOCIATIVE
IDENTITY
DISORDER ****

or DID for short...

Inside this body, there is more than one personality.**

Each with a name, sex, race, age....
different from the others..*-*-*




the question asked by myself is this: how many others on this site also have DID ?

how many think they are crazy, as the split becomes bigger and bigger, more and more obvious, and their vanilla world of order and social acceptance shrinks away in horror...?
as the "alter ego's" exists more and more?

How many manage to keep the mask up, for work, or family?
but find it exhausting?



I am so tired of that...
I refuse now.

I do not anymore.
I have lost every friend that loved jackyll the sweetpea.
I have only a few HYDE friends left.


the other alter's, some perceptive people pick notice, and either accept or pick on me/us...anywhere...
here on CM,
in real time,
vanillas or kinksters...

those with insight see the "other alters".
I used to hide when "not me"....
when my totum animal came out,
or the little girl
or the Male alter...

It has become near impossible now, like holding down food when wanting to vomit.
I find myself changing.
Trigger words, Trigger situations, Trigger places. I change, from one to another...

and, those around me, whisper, and the word comes back to me, via the grapevine.

"she is a different person."

it frightens many, makes other avoid me,
and, here on CM, when i am feeling fragile, make some abuse me.
leaving me in tears.
(They are like birds of prey, swooping in, perceiving, and attacking.)



I stay away from places where I could upset the family and friends of my children,
as the illusion of a sweetpea mother is what they wish others to see...

My children are not dumb, they see that, with the years, my "alters" have become more obvious,
and the word "crazy" rolls of their fathers lips more than my name.....


I do not live with them, and have not for many years...

I have kept down jobs, even worked in a mental institution. who better to be kind to the mentally fragile, than one who bears the same mark?

BUT, the mistake of trusting my mind to an inexperienced Dom, cost me ALL my vanilla friends. (the ones close to jeckyll.)

They could not bear to see the "dark side" of me...

That Dark Friend, that help my hand one when i was a child, and chronically abused over 17 years..
the dark one, that through a childs suffering, and a teenagers forgetting, and rebellion,
became the HYDE....
the portrait of Dorian Grey.
IS BACK NOW, due to duress in a BDSM situation, that, blew up, and cracked open a very carefully enclosed life-style....



To be a switch, is to be free of the constraints of others expectations.I chose to switch when I FEEL THE NEED. Because, I can no longer do otherwise...

Please, if you are interested in more on the medical explanation of DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER, just google it, or see the journal entry dated 19th July 2010. for a quick summery.

If this profile helps or prevents even ONE SUBBIE from being damaged, or STOPS in HIS OR HER TRACKS one uninformed DOM/DOMME from opening up another persons mind like an egg, and not being able to get the yolk back in...THEN, i feel that this profile was worth while.
hugs
vava

*(i state here that NOTHING that was done as an adult, to me, was out of the ordinary, very light BDSM. it did not take much,just a match, to set light to deep hidden childhood trauma....so, those who know who i was with, he is not some terrible person. just NOT a psychiatrist, nor trained in dealing with DID, and thus, what should never have started, lead, after 30 months, to the situation I now find myself in. If anything, his distress is worse. As he feels powerless now to help.)



** (Psychology) the sum total of all the behavioural and mental characteristics by means of which an individual is recognized as being unique.


***
"Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde is the original title of a book and first published in 1886.

The work is known for its vivid portrayal of a
split personality, split in the sense that within the same person there is both an apparently good and an evil personality each being quite distinct from the other.

The novella's impact is such that it has become a part of the language, with the phrase "Jekyll and Hyde" coming to mean a person who is vastly different in moral character from one situation to the next."

wikipedia


****It has been theorized that severe sexual, physical, or psychological trauma in childhood predisposes an individual to the development of DID. The steps in the development of a dissociative identity are theorized to be as follows:

  1. The child is harmed by a trusted caregiver (often a parent or guardian) and splits off the awareness and memory of the traumatic event to survive in the relationship.
  2. The memories and feelings go into the subconscious and are experienced later in the form of a separate personality.
  3. The process happens repeatedly at different times so that different personalities develop, containing different memories and performing different functions that are helpful or destructive.
  4. Dissociation becomes a coping mechanism for the individual when faced with further stressful situations.
*-*-* I had to think for ages this morning, to write down some of the names that other people have given/labeled the different alters. I feel like a historian, looking at the lives of some other individual, and can only describe clothes, mannerisms, jewellery,and from then on, roughly guess age, sexual orientation, mental and emotional capacity.

I also asked myself, "who am I?" who is writing this profile, and, I do not really know. I would of had to ask someone who loves me, to tell me. Dare I ask my son? the only person I have seen for the last two months, that knows me for a long time.

well,

here are some of the names that other people use to describe "who they see" to diffirentiate that person from the "other ones they see".
note. some folks, only ever see one or two, some, see more, due to living with me.
ALL, without exception, have preferences, and will TRIGGER and do what they can, to "keep" the alters they like, and chase away the others.
THUS, the alters established air tight groups of friends, who NEVER overlapped. because, to be two alters in a short space of time, let alone one setting, is HIGHLY stressful.

(under construction ....)



7/27/2010 8:56:04 PM
vava days are hard, very hard.

i have been crying in my corner since 2 am.

i knew something had changed in his energy field on the other side of the world.

i was jerked from a deep sleep and felt a deep devestation.

by 6 am i was walking the country lanes in the mist, trying to hold the tears in by admiring the scenery.

as soon as i could, i accessed a computer in the village and started counter checking dates on emails, and what he said...that man i lived with.

i knew then, that his new sub had arrived on friday in all probability.

i was gutted. my intestines wrenched.

i had been fostering hopes this week, to some how return next year, after the trial seperation of 6 months.
with a new lease on life.

having learnt on line sales here, i hoped to earn a bit of commission so i could send it to my children...

god, being vava is so clingy, so needy, so without inner back bone.


so, he answered my frantic msn, and would not admit that subgirl X had arrived.

but, i begged him to tell me just one thing "had there been some shift at 8pm the night before, as he is 6 hours behind Europe". he said yes, they had invited friends over (guess not my friends anymore, as i have been thrown back into the gutter) and she had been the hostess.

i cried as i read that.

in the kitchen i spent four hours a day, was another, and i felt that shift in his chi.

he tries to lie, saying he was not impressed with it, and that he wanted me to be doing it,

but that is not what i felt.

i felt other emotions coming through his chi, emotions of enjoyment at his new life. but worse, enjoyment at my absence.

He still feeds of my chi, and it will be very very difficult, infact, i think almost impossible, to remove the hooks he has in my gut, sucking me like a vampire does.

i was happy yesterday, i laughed a bit, even though cynically, and thought that there was the smallest possiblitity i would be going home to my 5 dogs...my things...

i also found out late today from his upset secretary that it was NOT her job to clear my stuff out of HIS house, and that if i he did not pay the storage/shipping of the personal effects shipped there from france 5 months ago (he refuses to pay, because of harbor tax) i will lose all that stuff.

what he calls "your shit" is mainly family photos of my babies, of my life, of me. who i was...

i have felt, each day of the last two months, one foot move closer to the edge he is pushing me too.
and i know he has no intention of saving me.

so,
i plan to take him with me...

because we are linked at the gut. he did that to feed more effectively off my chi, as vava, the push over...

but i know Karmen will not go down with taking him with...

she gave him an altermatium today, when he suddenly sent an email saying he wants the divorce now instead of next year:

pay a salary for the work i did.
i have been there for roughly 30 months.

and find myself on a sofa, without money even to buy myself food, but reley on my friends husband, while i help him with the animals, soon to be removed, as the land was morgaged in my deceased friends name, and the bank said today they are auctioning it at the first available moment.

so, he lost his common law wife, and cannot imagine life without her.

i was pushed out by the man who married me two years ago, and he twice replaced me within the weeks following.

Life is odd.

I am so tired right now, but scared to sleep, because when i wake up, i might be gone, and Karmen will be back.

she is the one who got us to the UK, thankgod, as i am nervous travelling...she just listens to her walkman and chills out.

I wish i could stop crying...i force the tears back, and had to all day, as i was not alone. Now I am, and they have flowed without heed.

If Karmen is back tomorrow, she told him that by friday morning, he had to have the financial divorce settlement in my sons bank account. my son that is so poor he cannot afford pimple cream.
and the man i married and served, has money aside to send TWO of his kids to Harvard.

He lied to my son over the last years...promises of help to get his drivers..but then, excuses why he could not....
while his son flew to the island, and smashed up the 4x4 within the week.

he despises me, sees me as spineless. thank god karmen refused to babysit him during his dads absence.

she put her foot down. and in a very quiet voice said "he is welcome, but i will be absent during his stay, as i need the time off. 24/7 is exhausting, everyone needs a week off."
that is when he screamed and told us to fuck off then out of HIS house as he said I was just a worthless fucking cunt anyway.

guess he was right.

i dont see us keeping a job down.

i have been crying all day, instead of going through my dead friends urgent but very messy paperwork. Karmen does that, and has been non stop at it for days.

this 2am this morning, when i was "triggered" by the chi of that man, because within days of bringing in a new woman into the 400m2 home, with pool, jacuzzi and 4 ensuite rooms, he HAD to show off.

thats right.

he says he really likes her.

that is why, time to throw me away, and get the divorce signed now.

i would say, his mistake.

marrying a girl off collarme that he told from the start was just a useless fuck,
(a whore) cause, when one breaks down someone to nothing, they have nothing to lose holding on.

we all know how many people drown when trying to rescue others,

he is going to drown, trying to drown me.

I will not hurt him.

but, by this profile, saying I have DID, i have made the first step towards honesty.

I told my friends last year i was a bisexual. (karmen is not like me, i am straight)

and i lost most of them.
i told my family i was poly,
lost them.

so, IF I COME OUT TOTALLY, why not even a nice juicy internet site all about the dangers of BDSM in the hands of men like him. (my profile under vava, the name i used in 2007 when we met online details the destruction he has caused in several womens lives (that I know of, but more i am sure).

now there is subgirl x there, i do not know her collarme profile name.
i just hope, now that vava has been re-activated, she will look for it.

to see my side of the story, and not his overly romantic one that is lopsided in its irreality. HE NEVER TALKS like he writes.

He only ever says "where is my coffee",
and "come to bed, I need to come".

that is it.

i speak like i write, all over the place. i touch type, and can write as fast as i think.

he cuts and pastes every sentance to make it beautiful.

but i do not KNOW that man, the one who writes all that.....I wish i did, i believe the last three years would of been heaven then...on that paradise island, as he calls it in chat.

oh well,

I am tired, it is nearly 5am, and i have not said hi in chat. i get shy as vava.

but, hold my nose, here goes,
7/24/2010 11:15:13 PM
From Rumi:

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I'll meet you there."

Fare the well princess...and would thee break, even into a thousand pieces.... one by one, I will put the pieces back together...."


A true friend sees we are going to fall, and break, before we do, and calls out a warning.

2 years ago, I received this message. I have never forgotten it...and, yet, I would not heed it.....and fell under un-knowledgeble training...to shatter even more than ever before.

I pick up the pieces, and name them, one by one...


7/24/2010 6:56:29 PM
 
"if i exorcise all my devils, my angels might leave too..." - tom waits

How could i possibly wish that some of my personalities die? because, that is how it feels, when I am told "not to allow them to express themselves"....

that they have no right to exist...

As a twin that must die....so that being "unique" can come into being.

(in some parts of the world, baby twins are not acceptable> one of the babies is killed...)

7/19/2010 2:12:47 PM

Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality Disorder)

 

 

Dissociative identity disorder (previously known as multiple personality disorder) is a fairly common effect of severe trauma during early childhood, usually extreme, repetitive physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse.

What Is Dissociative Identity Disorder?

 

Most of us have experienced mild dissociation, which is like daydreaming or getting lost in the moment while working on a project. However, dissociative identity disorder is a severe form of dissociation, a mental process, which produces a lack of connection in a person's thoughts, memories, feelings, actions, or sense of identity. Dissociative identity disorder is thought to stem from trauma experienced by the person with the disorder. The dissociative aspect is thought to be a coping mechanism -- the person literally dissociates himself from a situation or experience that's too violent, traumatic, or painful to assimilate with his conscious self.

Is Dissociative Identity Disorder Real?

 

You may wonder if dissociative identity disorder is real. After all, understanding the development of multiple personalities is difficult, even for highly trained experts. But dissociative identity disorder does exist. It is the most severe and chronic manifestation of the dissociative disorders that cause multiple personalities.

 

Other types of dissociative disorders defined in the DSM-IV, the main psychiatry manual used to classify mental illnesses, include dissociative amnesia, dissociative fugue, and depersonalization disorder.

What Are the Symptoms of Dissociative Identity Disorder?

 

Dissociative identity disorder is characterized by the presence of two or more distinct or split identities or personality states that continually have power over the person's behavior. With dissociative identity disorder, there's also an inability to recall key personal information that is too far-reaching to be explained as mere forgetfulness. With dissociative identity disorder, there are also highly distinct memory variations, which fluctuate with the person's split personality.

 

The "alters" or different identities have their own age, sex, or race. Each has his or her own postures, gestures, and distinct way of talking. Sometimes the alters are imaginary people; sometimes they are animals. As each personality reveals itself and controls the individuals' behavior and thoughts, it's called "switching." Switching can take seconds to minutes to days. When under hypnosis, the person's different "alters" or identities may be very responsive to the therapist's requests.

 

Along with the dissociation and multiple or split personalities, people with dissociative disorders may experience any of the following symptoms:

 

 * Depression

 * Mood swings

 * Suicidal tendencies

  * Sleep disorders (insomnia, night terrors, and sleep walking)

 * Anxiety, panic attacks, and phobias (flashbacks, reactions to stimuli or "triggers")

 * Alcohol and drug abuse

 * Compulsions and rituals

 * Psychotic-like symptoms (including auditory and visual hallucinations)

 * Eating disorders

 

Other symptoms of dissociative identity disorder may include headache, amnesia, time loss, trances, and "out of body experiences." Some people with dissociative disorders have a tendency toward self-persecution, self-sabotage, and even violence (both self-inflicted and outwardly directed). As an example, someone with dissociative identity disorder may find themselves doing things they wouldn't normally do such as speeding, reckless driving, or stealing money from their employer or friend, yet they feel they are being compelled to do it. Some describe this feeling as being a passenger in their body rather than the driver. In other words, they truly believe they have no choice.

What's the Difference Between Dissociative Identity Disorder and Schizophrenia?

 

Schizophrenia and dissociative identity disorder are often confused, but they are very different.

 

Schizophrenia is a severe mental illness involving chronic (or recurrent) psychosis, characterized mainly by hearing or seeing things that aren't real (hallucinations) and thinking or believing things with no basis in reality (delusions). People with schizophrenia do not have multiple personalities. Delusions are the most common psychotic symptom in schizophrenia; hallucinations, particularly hearing voices in the person's head, are apparent in about half of people.

 

Suicide is a risk with both schizophrenia and dissociative identity disorder, although patients with multiple personalities have a history of suicide attempt more often than other psychiatric patients.

How Does Dissociation Change the Way a Person Experiences Life?

 

There are several main ways in which the psychological processes of dissociative identity disorder change the way a person experiences living, including the following:

 

 * Depersonalization. This is a sense of being detached from one's body and is often referred to as an "out-of-body" experience.

 * Derealization. This is the feeling that the world is not real or looking foggy or far away.

 * Amnesia. This is the failure to recall significant personal information that is so extensive it cannot be blamed on ordinary forgetfulness. There can also be micro-amnesias where the discussion engaged in is not remembered, or the content of a meaningful conversation is forgotten from one second to the next.

 * Identity confusion or identity alteration. Both of these involve a sense of confusion about who a person is. An example of identity confusion is when a person sometimes feels a thrill while engaged in an activity (such as reckless driving, DUI, alcohol or drug abuse) which at other times would be revolting. In addition to these apparent alterations, the person may experience distortions in time, place, and situation.

 

It is now acknowledged that these dissociated states are not fully-mature personalities, but rather they represent a disjointed sense of identity. With the amnesia typically associated with dissociative identity disorder, different identity states remember different aspects of autobiographical information. There is usually a host personality within the individual, who identifies with the person's real name. Ironically, the host personality is usually unaware of the presence of other personalities.

What Roles Do the Different Personalities Play?

 

The distinct personalities may serve diverse roles in helping the individual cope with life's dilemmas. For instance, there's an average of two to four personalities present when the patient is initially diagnosed. Then there's an average of 13 to 15 personalities that can become known over the course of treatment. While unusual, there have been instances of dissociative identity disorder with more than 100 personalities. Environmental triggers or life events cause a sudden shift from one alter or personality to another.

Who Gets Dissociative Identity Disorder?

 

While the causes of dissociative identity disorder are still vague, research indicates that a combination of environmental and biological factors work together to cause it. As many as 98% to 99% of individuals who develop dissociative disorders have recognized personal histories of recurring, overpowering, and often life-threatening disturbances at a sensitive developmental stage of childhood (usually before age 9). Dissociation may also happen when there has been insistent neglect or emotional abuse, even when there has been no overt physical or sexual abuse. Findings show that in families where parents are frightening and unpredictable, the children may become dissociative.

How Is Dissociative Identity Disorder Diagnosed?

 

Making the diagnosis of dissociative identity disorder takes time. It's estimated that individuals with dissociative disorders have spent seven years in the mental health system prior to accurate diagnosis. This is common, because the list of symptoms that cause a person with a dissociative disorder to seek treatment is very similar to those of many other psychiatric diagnoses. In fact, many people who have dissociative disorders also have secondary diagnoses of depression, anxiety, or panic disorders.

 

The DSM-IV provides the following criteria to diagnose dissociative identity disorder:

 

 1. Two or more distinct identities or personality states are present, each with its own relatively enduring pattern of perceiving, relating to, and thinking about the environment and self.

 2. At least two of these identities or personality states recurrently take control of the person's behavior.

 3. The person has an inability to recall important personal information that is too extensive to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness.

 4. The disturbance is not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (such as blackouts or chaotic behavior during alcohol intoxication) or a general medical condition (such as complex partial seizures).

 

Are There Famous People With Dissociative Identity Disorder?

 

Famous people with dissociative identity disorder include retired NFL star Herschel Walker, who says he's struggled with dissociative identity disorder for years but has only been treated for the past eight years.

 

Walker recently published a book about his struggles with dissociative identity disorder, along with his suicide attempts. Walker talks about a feeling of disconnect from childhood to the professional leagues. To cope, he developed a tough personality that didn't feel loneliness, one that was fearless and wanted to act out the anger he always suppressed. These "alters" could withstand the abuse he felt; other alters came to help him rise to national fame. Today, Walker realizes that these alternate personalities are part of dissociative identity disorder, which he was diagnosed with in adulthood.

How Common Is Dissociative Identity Disorder?

 

Statistics show the rate of dissociative identity disorder is .01% to 1% of the general population. Still, more than 1/3 of people say they feel as if they're watching themselves in a movie at times, and 7% percent of the population may have undiagnosed dissociative disorder.

What's the Recommended Treatment Plan for Dissociative Identity Disorder?

 

While there's no "cure" for dissociative identity disorder, long-term treatment is very successful, if the patient stays committed. Effective treatment includes talk therapy or psychotherapy, medications, hypnotherapy, and adjunctive therapies such as art or movement therapy.

 

Because oftentimes the symptoms of dissociative disorders occur with other disorders, such as anxiety and depression, dissociative disorder may be treated using the same drugs prescribed for those disorders. A person in treatment for a dissociative disorder might benefit from antidepressants or anti-anxiety medication.

7/19/2010 1:33:06 PM
this is my profile entry when i first made this nick a few days ago...

i have cut and pasted it here, because, yes, it needs to be polished.

but, as this first attempt came from a strong emotional place, it has its place, for the time being anyway...

I HAVE DID. ****

THIS PROFILE IS NOT HERE TO DESCRIBE WHO WOULD MAKE A GOOD CHOICE IN PARTNER FOR ME;
IT IS TO AVOID OTHERS WASTING THEIR TIME  CONSIDERING ME -


I AM SURE THERE IS ROOM FOR "PLAYTIME" OR "SCENES"-

Inside this body, there is more than one personality.**

Each with a name.

** (Psychology) the sum total of all the behavioural and mental characteristics by means of which an individual is recognized as being unique.


The Domme inside, has been called many names, by those in vanilla life.

BITCH;
CUNT;
HER;
SHE;
THE OTHER ONE;
THE GERMAN;


she is described as COLD;HEARTLESS;SELFISH...
the list goes on...

ironically, She has her own group of good friends, all male, that she gets on very well with....
seems, what in a female body are seen as detrimental in the vanilla world, are considered  qualities in a Male Dominant personality.

with HYDES friends, there is an understanding that there is a male personality in a female body.....and the description is as follows,
"Fuck, but you have balls",
 "Geez, you more bloke than most men I know",
"You look at more women than I do!"

and so on....

with these male friends, there is time to sit and watch the pretty girls go by....
Laugh, joke, and with no feelings hurt, get on with work..

(women at the same table tend to get really upset when the blokes look at a pretty woman walk by....)



Her colour is OX-BLOOD RED, and she is a lesbian for love and tenderness, or, dominates men in bed. there for her pleasure.
She is protective of weak females, and thinks Alpha's (including herself) are wolves in general.
She generally has at least one weak female in her life, as they gravitate to her capabilities.
They don't like HYDE, preferring jackyll, but,they want the protection and capabilities of HYDE...

(i would say, a fair number of subs and slaves of the female kind on this site, do not LIKE Alphas, but seek their protection....)
that is the bind that jackyll gets into...
and so, in the end, HYDE has to get her out of the clutchs of a dislikable person, who is generally more of a bully than a leader...
True leaders are hard to distinquish, because, they do not bully.

When HYDE is not around, because some Alpha male has stepped in, to prove his worth, and fails, She vanishs, more than just keeping low profile....and loses all of her female protegees, as they run off to find other Alphas to protect them...

with the introduction to the Lifestyle, the jackyll slave inside had a six month period of intense submission, but, that did not lgo beyond that period, because, there is yet to be found a Alpha that earns the respect of HYDE...

All that happened when subjegating this body to pain, was the liberation of HYDE in a way that only the nightlife had seen....


So, Ironically, the seeking of a perfect Alpha on the outside, has made HYDE stronger, and jackyll less and less present....almost to the point of extinction...


No DOM is ever going to match up to the expectations of HYDE, who protects jackyll, and, in the very process of protecting, eliminates her...


the question asked by myself is this: how many others on this site also have DID ?

how many think they are crazy, as the split becomes bigger and bigger, more and more obvious, and their vanilla world shrinks away in horror...?
How many manage to keep the mask up, for work, or family? but find it exhausting?


I am so tired of that...
I refuse now.

I do not anymore.
I have lost every friend Ithat loved jackyll the sweetpea.
I have only a few HYDE friends left.

I stay away from places where I could upset the family and friends of my children, as the illusion of a sweetpea mother is what they wish others to see...
My children are not dumb, but, they put it down to genetics.
the German, and well, the pushover...(they have their own words for the alter egos, none very flattering)

I do not live with them, and have not for many years...

Thus HYDE has had more and more air-time.

After months of self chosen isolation from others in the vanilla world, as I stopped "pretending" for the Dom that I lived with, Hyde was thrown out, as NO is NO, and so, jackyll went to...
cannot have ONE without the OTHER...

HYDE does not babysit kids, nor shut up around brats...
and, as jackyll was the subbie in the house, after months and months, HYDE got so bored, so frustrated, and so imprisoned inside this body, that,

leaving was preferable to duress....


He had insisted that jackyll put on pretty dresses and look nice for the family photos and family visits and such...and HYDE be pushed down, in stressful situations that made jackyll feel humiliated around vanillas.

FUCK THAT.

To be a switch, is to be free of the constraints of others expectations.I chose to switch when I FEEL THE NEED.

in 2008,jackyll tried to be 100% present, 24/7, but, that is impossible if there is the smallest smoke from a fire of stressful danger.
Then HYDE come out, started questioning roles in the BDSM world, aswell as those who, though vanilla, are bossy, or top from the bottom....
by saying "No", and being thrown out, HYDE
no longer allowed any Alpha to dictate behaviour that puts jackyll under even more duress...


****It has been theorized that severe sexual, physical, or psychological trauma in childhood predisposes an individual to the development of DID. The steps in the development of a dissociative identity are theorized to be as follows:

  1. The child is harmed by a trusted caregiver

    (often a parent or guardian) and splits off the awareness

    and memory

    of the traumatic event to survive in the relationship.
  2. The memories and feelings go into the subconscious

    and are experienced later in the form of a separate personality.
  3. The process happens repeatedly at different times so that different personalities develop, containing different memories and performing different functions that are helpful or destructive.
  4. Dissociation

    becomes a coping mechanism

    for the individual when faced with further stressful

    situations.



"Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde is the original title of a book and first published in 1886The work is known for its vivid portrayal of a split personality

, split in the sense that within the same person there is both an apparently good and an evil personality each being quite distinct from the other. The novella's impact is such that it has become a part of the language, with the phrase "Jekyll and Hyde" coming to mean a person who is vastly different in moral character from one situation to the next." 
wikipedia
7/19/2010 11:43:31 AM
Quote from Chat room.

"if you want to go deeper into the psychologic and physical extremes of bdsm, though, you are asking of the partner to believe you are exceptional in many ways.
and competent or at least not dangerously ignorant and unsafe."DoS
7/17/2010 11:24:52 AM



This is a pure "watch the girls move" video....

not for the mind at all...

oh, there is nothing like surfing YOUTUBE on a saturday afternoon....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w656ZPdk04I&feature=fvw

7/17/2010 11:17:26 AM
What is called "subspace" here in the Lifestyle, that place where pain pushs the mind....
that is where, the split happens...
and, once installed as a mechanism....

The split, the Dual, the alter....
takes on a life...

thought this song had a very nice phrase, as if, the words described subspace....and the crazyness it can bring...

"Crazy"
by Gnarls Barkley

I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place.
Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space

And when you're out there
Without care,
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Possibly [radio version]
probably [album version]

And I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice, that's my only advice

Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are,
Ha ha ha bless your soul
You really think you're in control

Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me

My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember is thinking, I want to be like them
Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done

Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
Probably

Uh, uh

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJ44psLHvIc
7/17/2010 10:32:38 AM
ALICE: "If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary-wise; what it is it wouldn't be, and what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?

: Well, when I was lost, I suppose it's good advice to stay where you are until someone finds you. But who'd ever think to look for me here?
[sigh]

: Good advice. If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

so, that in answer to the below mail received today.

bless him. he read past the first few words I imagine...

"Your profile is so confusing as to be menaingless."
7/17/2010 10:28:26 AM


"split personality"
by Skye Sweetnam


I'd like you to meet
The other side of me
Gotta getcha, gotta getcha, gotta getcha

When it's time to rock
She's a celebrity
Gotta getcha, gotta getcha, gotta getcha
I got you, I got you
And now she's got me

She drowns me out
When I shout
I'm so overpowered
I cannot hide
From the opposite side
When she takes me over

Flip the switch
Makes me split into insanity
Gotta getcha, gotta getcha, gotta getcha

Out of control
Shocking like electricity
Gotta getcha, gotta getcha, gotta getcha
I got you, I got you
And now she's got me

She drowns me out
When I shout
I'm so overpowered
I cannot hide
From the opposite side
When she takes me over

Let's co-exist
What's wrong with this
What's wrong with this
What's wrong with this

She drowns me out
When I shout
I'm so overpowered
I cannot hide
From the opposite side
When she takes me over
When she takes me over

I cannot hide
From the opposite side
When she takes me over

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8WxOr2oOpc
7/17/2010 10:07:47 AM
"Tears And Rain"
by James Blunt

How I wish I could surrender my soul;
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See the liar that burns within my needing.
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud,
Instead I've found no meaning.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

Tears and Rain.

Tears and Rain.

Far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HXMN7qCA
7/17/2010 10:03:23 AM


"Split Personality"
by Pink

I do not trust, so I cannot love
(can't no man be trusted)
Oh no no no
And I would not dare to open up
(this life of yours is dusted Pink)
Well my rent's past due and now my car won't start, I hate the bus
(well aren't you glad you have somebody to talk to)
Tell me what do they see when they look at me
Do they see my many personalities

[Chorus:]
Can you help me
Does anybody hear me
Can they even see me
This is my reality, oh oh

(can it be my turn now, is it my turn Pink)
Said I'll say it again, you're my only friend
(I protect you from the world, I basically protect you from yourself)
Though I can't go on, I'm not satisfied with this being the end
(this is just the beginning)
Tell me why can't I just reach up and simply touch the sky
Tell me why can't I spread my arms and fly and fly and fly
Tell me why can't I say this, why can't I do that
Tell me what do they want from me, tell me how to act

[Repeat Chorus 2x]

So I'm putting it all on the table
(tell em' Pink)
You don't know me well enough to label me, sick, or even disturbed
When you break it down I'm just two girls
Trying to blend, trying to vibe
(trying)
Trying to live just one life
(so hard)
Everybody's got insanities...I got a split personality
Tell me why can't I just reach up and simply touch the sky
(why can't you)
Tell me why can't I spread my arms and fly and fly and fly
(you can)
Tell me why can't I say this, why can't I do that
(just do it)
Tell me what do they want from me, tell me how to act
(I can't, I can't)

[Repeat Chorus 3x]

Can you help me
(talk to me, talk to me, don't ignore me, I can't take it)
Do you hear me
Do you see me everytime
(oh calm down, it's not that serious, we'll be just fine without them)
It's all mine...it's my reality...it's just too much for me
(you're my friend, you're my friend...Pink!...Pink!)




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dgxcGejOtYc
christinaneo
 
 Age: 20
 Manila, Philippines