Guiltynutt		guiltyplea		guilt

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When I was young, I knew that the road to happiness was in serving. I should have gone with my gut way back then. Instead, I tried to find another route, and spent most of my life running from serving. I have spent my life trying to control men instead of surrendering control. I've teased them with no intent to grant their pleasure. I have pleasured myself rather than provide pleasure to others. And in the end, I have never experienced the joy and fulfillment I knew was possible. I am going to leave this profile here as a warning to others about what happens when you ignore the truth and live selfishly and irresponsibly. On March 3rd, my period started. Unlike most of them, however, I was bleeding profusely and passing massive blood clots. I kept trying at home to manage the situation, but ultimately ended up in the doctors office and was sent from there to the hospital right away. By the time the first lab work had come back, I had lost more than 1/3 of my blood, and was in grave danger. They began transfusing, and rushed me to surgery. I had assumed they would stop the bleeding, rebalance my hormones, and that would be that. When they opened me up, they found that I had stage 4 cancer - it started in my right ovary, and had spread throughout my abdomen. Ovaries, uterus, vagina, bladder, colon, rectum. After a 5 hour surgery, I woke up to discover that virtually everything was gone. My reproductive system was gone except for a very short piece of vagina. My colon and rectum were gone, the hole was closed off because the tumor had extended nearly all the way to the sphincter. I now have an ileostomy through which my intestines empty. My bladder was removed, and I have a urostomy where my kidneys eliminate. To say the least, I was absolutely devastated. The recovery from the surgery itself has been difficult. I have now started the chemotherapy and will soon begin radiation. I have, of course, lost my hair and eyebrows and everything else now in addition to the body parts already lost. I literally cannot recognize myself in the mirror, and still have an extremely difficult time looking in the mirror at the scar that extends from above my belly button to my pubic bone, and the pouches that hang there collecting wastes. I have numbness in my fingers and my lower legs from the chemotherapy. Nobody can tell me how bad it will get. The bottom line is that after years of denying the truth and not serving and pleasing the men around me, I no longer have anything to offer a man that would give him any pleasure at all. Even the strongest stomached and most compassionate man would find my appearance grotesque. In the space of a few hours, my life may have been saved, but the price was enormous. Where there was the essence of femininity and the means to pleasure a man, there is now only a hollow void. The irony of all is that I was so terrified of the punishment and sentence that I thought was before me to suffer and at long last have an opportunity to serve. In the end, the punishment and sentence that I have received is much harsher and more cruel than I could ever have imagined. I am deeply sorry that there will never be a chance to walk the road of surrender, and redemption. I can assure you that the suffering part - well, that seems to be something that will never end. I can't escape what I have lost, or the grotesqueness of what I have become, or the mental torture of knowing I will serve these plastic bags for the rest of my life. Feeling sick is one thing, and I know that will eventually end. Being heartsick and worthless is a completely different matter. I am continually reminded of the waste of my life because it collects in pouches that I see and must empty. It is as if I must serve that pouch, deal with the shit of my own making, as a punishment and reminder for my sins. I beg you, if you are a woman, and are unsurrendered, do not wait another day. You don't need a list of things you will or won't do. You don't need perfect conditions. Find a man who needs a slave, and surrender. Begin the journey of being remade into something beautiful, into something perfect for him. It won't matter what he is like, or how cruel you think he is at times as you learn the ways that he wishes you to serve. It will be infinitely more satisfying to your soul that to wake up one day and find that you waited too long, and you have been branded by the grotesque scars of your ruin, and to serve a master that is far harsher and more demanding than any human could ever be. The worst part is knowing that you your need will never be met of knowing that you were pleasing to a master - because your master two a plastic bags. Please, I beg you. Learn from my humiliation. Surrender to a master today. Do not let this be you.

7/26/2014 4:07:17 PM The words of a dominant who sees purpose to this journey.  It's unfortunate that you had to pay such a heavy price for rebelling against nature, but if your fate serves to wake up even one woman to her true path, you will -- in a sense -- have served at least one man (the one she kneels before). Please please surrender and aerve a master. This is not a path you want to wind up on.