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Granuaile

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Friends:
urmasterbearTechLordBDLuvvergooberarKickFetish
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Alright so on my journey of self-discovery I have found parts of myself that I did not realize I had. And while some of them are slightly uncomfortable...like a pair of shoes that haven't been broken in yet; I am willing to embrace them all and see where they lead me. With that being said let me tell you some about me. I am a 28 year old single white female. I am a little on the nerdy side and have an inner dork I'm happy to embrace. I take a book with me every where I go and love to read things by Neil Gaiman, Karen Marie Monning, Laurel K. Hamilton, and just about any other Paranormal or Fantasy writer I can get my hands on. If I am going to watch TV give me a good NCIS, CSI, or Law and Order, but honestly I would rather be reading. I love anything related to the paranormal. I am on a path to spiritual discovery as well. I have found that I don't actually truly believe all of my old school christian values. And find that I have a good deal of beliefs in common with the pagan belief systems so I am in the process of learning more about my Celtic roots. I tend to believe that most people are good or have good in them...does that mean I'm a fool? Nope, it means that I choose to believe that there is good out there and that people can be good. I believe that we get out of life what we put into it. I am more than willing to do the work, to put in the blood, sweat, and tears to get what I want out of life. Are you? Now about the lifestyle and me.... I am a switch, I am one of those people who can flip from Dom to sub or sub to Dom with little trouble. I can be pulled from the cross and be handed a flogger and give as good as I got. There is a baby girl in me, and we are still learning to get along with each other. I am a sadist and a masochist and find I adore being both. I KNOW the pain of my sub and know what it feels like to be the one giving that which I willingly I take. It makes me stronger person to be able to flow so well in both roles. I can and will pout and beg Daddy for his attention...or I can and will tell my bad boy to bend of the bed and assume the position. You pick which role you need to play and I will eagerly fill the other. I am a SAM and a BRAT. I have a sense of humor and love to laugh...do you? I am a tactile person, I NEED, CRAVE, DESIRE to touch and be touched. I am not a sexual promiscuous person, you must engage my mind if you want the responses of my body. It does not matter if I am being the Dominant or the submissive it will always be more about the mental aspect of things that turns me on. I love to watch and feel the play of emotions during a scene. It is about how far you can push the mind, more than the body. How can you control my body if you cannot control my mind. You can demand my submission, but can you keep it once you have it? And the same goes for me...I can DEMAND that you respect me and see me as your Dominant, but can I control your mind? Physical responses are just that, without respect, trust, and loyalty there is nothing, there can be nothing but mutual masturbation. And while it feels good for a moment...afterward doesn't it leave us all a little empty? While I know this was long, there is so much more to me than I put in here...hell I'm still learning more about me so how can any one hope to learn all there is to know about me from a few paragraphs? So here is your challenge, ask me, question me, lets learn about each other. Happy hunting my kinky friends! Warm wishes.

Yes, I do have a photo I will share with you.

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5/17/2010 9:02:38 PM
She walks through the barren scape, studying these familiar yet different passageways. Her fingers move over the marks along the path, so similar to the scars on a badly abused body. Something in her tells her to keep moving forward, that she has come to far to turn back..that that would be her biggest mistake. So she draws her arms tighter around her body and continues moving down those empty, lonely hallways.

She tilts her head, listening to the sounds of past laughter and tears, she hears the mumblings of prayers so long ago said, perhaps all but the child and God have forgotten them. 

The hairs on the back of her neck stand up, she has been someplace like this before...but that was different that was her own, but this...this is his. She feels like an intruder and yet knows if she doesn't continue on her chance to make him see is lost.

For it matters not if he chooses her, as long as he realizes he is worthy of all the things, she too denied herself. He is capable of loving and being loved and that it does not have to mark and scar his heart and mind like the scars on a battered child's body. But that they can and would set him free of the prison he traps himself in to keep the pain at bay. Does he hear the howl of the lonely, cold wind? Does he feel the chill of loneliness and fear? Or has he locked himself away for so long that the only thing he feels is his old scars and wounds? Does he relive them each night? Doesn't he want to be away from that pain and suffering? Doesn't he see she is here to help, to offer him a hand, and a friendship? That she would never cause him pain on purpose and that by hiding away in his pretty delusions, in his prison that he hurts them both. He keeps them both from the light, the warm sun, and the soft breeze against their flesh. She looks around her again, this time with anger and resentment...oh not towards him, but towards those who scared this place, the heart of him so badly that he can't find it in himself to believe he is worthy and capable of all things.

She reaches her hand out and touches a deep scar running along the wall, she feels his pain, she sees what he saw. A tear slips down her cheek as she leans in and so, so softly kisses that scar, knowing that her journey has only just begun if she truly wants to see him set free of himself. 

5/16/2010 11:37:36 PM
On this search and journey of self-discovery I am constantly growing and learning. I am constantly stumbling and falling...but I do keep getting up and trying again. I am growing, my tastes, my style, and my desire never wains.

I am seeking something and someone...yet am unwilling to settle for something unsuitable for what I want and need.

Hopefully I will find who and what I seek soon.


Warm wishes,
Bre

4/30/2010 10:58:35 PM
Yep I know I am a SAM, SAS, and a SAD. And I don't feel bad about any of them! Take me or leave.

4/26/2010 9:42:15 PM
I know I need a firm hand to guide me at times. I need a Daddy to help keep me in line and growing and exploring the right and safe way. I also know I need a Daddy who understands that while I will always be his lil girl, I am not always a lil. I have a sadistic and dominant side as well. I do have a wonderful friend, who is just that a friend, who always encourages me to learn and try new things...but it isn't exactly the same. I know there is something missing. But until I find the one who will let me be ME even as I am his and I grow and explore under his rule, I will continue on as I am.

12/20/2009 8:42:24 PM
My journey has brought about many changes in not only how I see myself, but what I now know about myself. And  have found that there are many parts and layers of me. Some of them I am intimately more comfortable with and others...well I still wish to hide from sight at times. However, the one things I am learning is that I can't hide those parts of me any more than I can prevent the sun from rising in the east.

And it is because there are those parts of myself that I can not hide and cannot ignore I will be rewriting my profile within the next few days.

A few of the things that have changed are as follows:

I am as comfortable with a flogger in my hand as I am with it striking against my flesh.

I do have a baby girl here and she is simply a new found part of me, who I will learn to honestly and completely embrace for the first time in my life.

I have realized that I can embrace a more dominant part of myself without ignoring or betraying the part of me that is happiest in my submission. I can embrace and enjoy all parts of myself, be completely true to WHO I am, and have no need to feel bad about it.

The one who chooses to embrace me will understand these parts of me, will see them as strengths and adore me for them. He won't see them as flaws in my character or as reasons for me to apologize.

He will one day come into my life and when he does I will be here, waiting, and ready for him.

If he doesn't come from here, then he will come from my world, where things aren't always sunshine and roses, but sometimes come in shades of bruises and hurt.

Life isn't simple, hell it isn't always even fun...but it is the only real option there is. I refuse to hide or ignore any part of myself simply to make others more comfortable with themselves.

I won't apologize for having found and embraced so many new parts of myself.

Warm wishes.

12/13/2009 1:32:04 AM
She removes her top and bra, she doesn't fear what is to come next, it simply excites her, frees her. She hands him the restraints and he slips them on her wrists, he pauses and asks if they feel alright, before he places the hooks into the latches. Her breasts press against the cool leather protecting the cross. She scks in a deep, calming breath as he strokes his hands over her back. She feels his nerves and his excitement as he takes a deep breath and tries to center himself. At the first feel of the leather striking her flesh, her breathing changes, sh thoughts empty and she lets herself slip completely into his care. The voices and murmmerings of others fade into background noise, barely tracable over the thud of his blows. He pauses occassionally, running his hands over her now pink skin as he checks on her state of being. Each time she asks how she is, he thanks her for her trust. He holds himself carefully in check, measuring the strength of each strike, reasuring himself that she is safe. As his confidence grows and their connection, in that moment, strengthens so does the strength and speed of his flogging. Her breathing quickens and her mind becomes weightless. She sinks further into the lulling cadence of his beat and her own secret garden. There comes a moment, a moment when one action...one moments lasp of memory brings her slamming back to reality. In that moment panic arises, old fears come rushing back. Their melody clashes, but his strength and the calming presense of others bring her slowly back to thought and before long they can continue. The pace is somewhat slower yet far more intense, the need for both to move past those last moments is strong and driving. When he calls his scene and steps away from her, she feels his center being recalled. His desire for agression and control slipping from him as his natural state of being is snapped back into place.


It isn't always about sex, sometimes it is about those moments of complete connection to another person. Those moments when even if the connection means something different for each person, it is there, real, and completely undeniable.

When we move a certain way or we glance over our shoulder in the bathroom mirror and have the reminder of those moments...it is like being back in that moment. The flashbacks to that connection, the pain, and the pleasure; is almost as intense as they were in the moment.

For me it wasn't about sex...it is about that connection, that moment, slipping from control to helpless...the freedom and the fear.

For him it was about learning, trusting, connecting, and maybe about that moment of total power and not being completely certain what to do with it.

Whatever it was it was wonderful.

11/10/2009 3:13:58 AM
This is something I wrote, while considering the significance of a collar.  I hope you enjoy.

He stares at the collar in his hands, his mind travels through the  journey they have begun together. He sees the first time they met, the way her eyes dropped in supplication and with widened with shock at her own feelings and reactions to him. He remembers the first time her flesh was reddened from his hand, the sounds of her whimpers as he caressed the tender lightly bruised skin, the way she writhed in his arms as he slowly brought her back to reality. Ah, each session plays in his mind, each time her stripped her bare emotionally and mentally. The way she eyes shined with tears as he laid her soul open to  him, like a knife slicing through skin and muscle. He remembers striping away each layer of insecurity and hurt other men left on her soul, as well as their desires, likes, and dislikes. Oh, god, he remembers the moments her heart, soul, and mind were laid as bear as her body had ever been. How she curled into him when he held her for hours as they talked, how his voice was all that was needed to calm her. He remembers watching her blossom and longs to see her in full bloom.

He considers the collar in his hand, the feel of the cool silver metal against his fingers, its weight, and coolness. Pictures placing it around her neck, the way it will mold against her soft skin. But mostly he thinks about what it means. How if she accepts it, he accepts even more responsibility, how their bonds will strengthen and grow, and  how the future for both of them will be changed.  He considers the passion he sees in her eyes, the need her soul exhibits so clearly, and the mimicking feelings coursing through his own body and soul.

He glances at a picture of his parents on their wedding day and  considers the ring his mother had just slipped on. He contemplates the similarities: the commitment both symbolize, the meaning behind each, and what the rest of the world see when each are visible. Then he considers what so few fail to understand: how easily a ring is hidden or slipped off, how a marriage to often ends in a divorce that is more like a business deal than a traumatic loss, how easily a name is changed and lives are separated. Then he thinks of what it means to remove a collar. How it should tear at each persons soul, leaving them jagged, raw, and exposed. How the collar is less easily hidden and a larger sign of possession. How so many who know what that wedding ring means ignore and forsake those vows that make it sacred. And how so few of those who truly know and understand a collar will.

He stands up and moves toward her, simply extending the collar in his hand as he looks into her eyes. He watches each play of emotion and each thought, so clear to him since he shaped and formed her for him and him alone, filters over her. Oh, how her thoughts and emotions feed his passion for her, the way she stirs his need to claim her for his own.

Kneeling before his she stares at the proffered collar and considers what it means to him, to her, and to them. She knows he is watching her, waiting, and in many ways vulnerable to her, and not for the first time. She remembers when they met, how her mind and body fought against his instinctively dominating presence, how she knew there was something different and special about their connection. How he seemed to know her thoughts and emotions, understanding them, before she did. She remembers each reward because of how she had pleased him, and understood each punishment for her refusal to surrender to his greater will. She thought of each time he stripped her of her shelters, walls, and safety nets, leaving open, tender, vulnerable, and exposed to his strength and tenderness.  Considered the way he both lovingly and ruthlessly stripped away each layer someone else had left upon her heart and soul. And how he administered the care she needed to heal afterward.

She looks toward the future and what it will mean if he slips that cool metal against her flesh, how their path will change, grow, and strengthen over time. She contemplates the way their bonds will change and mold as they truly become one person, one soul, one heart on the same journey.

She raises her eyes, slowly, she lift her head exposes the creamy expanse of her neck in answer to his unspoken question. As he steps closer and brings the collar around the back of her neck, her hands tremble as she lifts her hair. As he closes the clasp, their paths merge, join, intertwine and become one. He pulls her to him and growls the one word,  that has more meaning than a hundred words of love ever could,  “MINE.”

Now she stands in front of the mirror, as he stands behind her, they both gaze at the collar around her neck and clearly see what others will recognize as his total possession of her mind, body, and soul. Her fingers gently stroke the thin silver filigree and his cock hardens, but oh God, how both of their bodies ache and their souls meld.

11/9/2009 12:27:30 AM
He has never bound her physically, never touched her flesh, yet she aches for him. Her heart aches from his absence, her mind questions his missing connection. Even though logically she knows his reasons are sound, being without his voice, his presence, and the mental bonds he forged when she was least expecting them; she cannot help but worry and fret. As one day turn into a week, even her body begins to withdraw. Plagued with doubts, confused and lost, she knows not where to turn...she can't seek the comfort of his assurances when it is he that causes them. Her emotions swing, as she ponders the emotions, the feelings, and the emptiness.

Where she once found comfort in his voice, she now finds fear. Oh, not a fear of physical harm or even of mental...but now she wonders if her softer side will ever survive and beat on its own. She awakens hoping to hear the sound of his soft growling "hello," she naps hoping to pass the time til he returns to her.

Yet deep within her she doubts her own strength, her rational mind, and even her sanity. For all she does not know of his past, his dreams and desires mirror her own. His need for her complete submission, stirs within her the strongest of desires to submit to HIM. He knows her buttons and delighted in pushing them, yet he always crooned her fear away.

But who can she turn to as she aches for what only he can provide? She lingers desperate to be within his reach, aching to simply hear his voice...yet wondering for the first time at her own weakness. At her inability to simply believe and not doubt.

.....but who does she turn to when he is the only one who can offer her comfort....

10/30/2009 4:28:24 PM
He makes her feel safe and solid, even when she sobs in his arms after coming part just the way he demands. He knows she longs to sit at his feet with her head in his lap, but does she know he longs to hear her unguarded thoughts?  He pushes her, pulling from her those things she does not even want to acknowledge to herself. She feels stronger more aware and alive because he lets no part of her remain hidden from him. Her body is traitor, yielding to his touch, to his demand, and ignoring her struggle. When his hands tangle in her hair and he pulls her head back, her legs fall helplessly open, inviting his invasion, but more needing his completion.  With her submission to him she feels freed, in the trust he has carefully built, in knowing her place with him is safe and sacred her only fear is forgetting to even question his thoughts or desires for not being her own.


10/28/2009 1:25:14 AM
Since most of my journal entries are self-reflective and a bit heavy, I have decided to break it up a bit with something light and reveal some of my corkier side.

I love accents, especially Irish, Scottish, and British. I hate clothes, it is not even a sexual thing. I am simply completely happy to curl up on the sofa with a good book and let the sun warming me into a peaceful state of drowsiness. I prefer Fall to any other time of year, not because of the leaves changing colors or the cooler and more comfortable temperatures, but because of the constant changes in the weather...it is like being constantly surprised. I tend to find people my age boring, because most seem to have lot the art of conversation. I adore polar bears, because I think they look cute and cuddly but can and will eat you.  And I love marks, whether giving or receiving, they are a sign of possession, pleasure, pain, and mutual fulfillment.

And those my friends are some of my lighter quirks.  I hope you enjoyed the moment.

10/25/2009 12:44:38 AM
There are times when the journey we are to make, must be made alone, at least in part. And as we travel that road, we can often find ourselves questioning the things we thought we knew about ourselves. That is where I am. In a constantly growing and evolving state. Where what held true today, may not hold true tomorrow.

However, somethings do not change, my path is still the same, I am at heart still the same, and what I seek is still the same.

What has changed is my understanding of the hows and whys of who and what I am.

I have often heard or read terms on here that left me wondering if it was something you took penicillin to treat or something enjoyable I was missing out on. And as I refuse to miss out on anything that will help me find the contentment that is currently missing in my life, I find myself reading more and more about the lifestyle and about the people involved.  What I have found has at times shocked me, but more often than not it has made me increasingly curious and re-stirred my longing to be collared by the one I seek.

Hopefully he is not only out there, but reading this.



10/17/2009 9:49:04 PM
Do our true desires and needs hide behind our physical responses? When we are lonely, lost, confused, or frightened do we reach of merely physical comfort and exhaustion instead of looking for what we truly need?

Perhaps it is only when we are lost in turbulent waters and surrounded by the dark that we have moments of clarity and enlightenment. Is it only when all seems lost and hopeless that we gain those glimpses of what we truly need and desire and of who we are?

And is it not what we do with those flashes of clarity that matter? If all we do is gain those few moments of clarity then are we not still lost in the dark? However, if we uses what we learn about ourselves, at the most personal and private levels, then do we not find calmer waters and candles to light our paths?

Of course there will still be times when we feel battered and tossed against the sea jagged cliffs, but in those moments it matters not if you merely tread the stormy water, the only thing that will land you safely on the beach is struggling to understand and fighting for the knowledge of where the journey will led you.

I recently realized that I hadn't truly accepted and moved on from the past. That I had been clinging to foolish thoughts or hopes that while brought me comfort in the dark, also kept my candle from lighting my path.

Though sometimes two people's paths are hopelessly intertwined, their fates are not. There are many degrees of love we can experience and that can torture us. Sometimes it is a matter of stepping back and truly looking at what is before us before we realize there is a reason for the pain and the confusion. 

I've found my peaceful waters and my candle is finally lite enough that I may see my path. Now I must find the one who will make the journey with me.

He is out there, I just don't know where yet.

10/4/2009 12:45:22 AM
Question: Have you laughed at yourself today? Have you laughed WITH someone else today? Did you stop and offer a helping hand or even just a smile to someone who seemed like they needed it today?

If you failed to do any of things, I wonder what did you do today?

Did you forget how short life truly is? Did you simply laugh at someone, forgetting that tomorrow it might be your mistake to cause you moment of humiliation? Did you forget that humanity and compassion are not signs of weakness, but are desirable character traits?

If you lack a sense of humor, a sense of empathy, and a sense of honor and tact...Then how can the one you seek to collar trust you with their heart, body and soul?

If I cannot trust your words and actions, then I cannot feel safe and secure in your care. In that case it matters not that you are educated, physically attractive, make $$$$, or share common likes or dislikes. What matters is that if I doubt your sense of responsibility, your sense of humanity, your sense of compassion, then I cannot let go of myself, with you, enough to truly submit.





10/1/2009 5:14:44 PM
Do we ever stop and wonder if we let our desire for the physical cloud our need for the mental and spiritual? Of course sex is fun and offers several wonderful rewards. It relaxes us, releases "happy chemicals" in the brain, and allows us to touch and feel another person; but then so does a smile and hug.
If all we do is act on our base instincts and desires then we miss something that is much an elemental key to our happiness and health. We miss the connection and the feelings of trust, acceptance, and the deeper emotions like love, commitment, loyalty.
And before you ask, of course I enjoy sex. I'm only human after all, but I want more than a few minutes or a couple of hours of instant gratification. I need more than that.


9/25/2009 8:40:13 PM
Alright, so I have had some questions put to me recently, and I thought I would share my answers with everyone.

While I am comfortable and happy with my submissive side, it is not the whole of who I am. I am college educated, articulate, self-respecting, and for the most part a very  analytical thinker. I am, however, a woman. Which means that there are times my emotions get the better of me. I do not believe that men are inherently better or superior to women, just as I do not believe it is a woman's place to "lord" over a man.  I have a mind and opinions and would like to believe that they and I can be respected, listened to, and understood. I do not believe that my opinion is always correct or will always be heeded. It is merely an opinion, an offered suggestion or thought. I do believe that there are many cases where two minds are better than one, but I believe my Dominate half should have the final say. 

As a rule, I adore men, do I need to be physical with all of them? Nope, I don't even feel the urge to sleep with someone I have no connection with. Sorry, just not built that way.

I also believe that the tittles: Master, Sir, or M'lord, should be reserved to the one I finally kneel before. Not just anyone. After all, if I can and will kneel before everyone then of what value is my final submission to you? Does that mean I won't address everyone with respect and politeness, of course not. Manners and kindness are a sign of strength of character and I actually enjoy being kind and polite, it is a part of who I am as a WHOLE person.

While some may read this and think "She is too forceful or too confident or too full of herself," there will be one who reads this and not only values what I have said but who it will speak to, it will be what they seek. That is the one I am waiting for. To the rest I wish happy hunting and the of wishes for their search.

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marrysuregirl
 
 Age: 19
 Chico, California