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There really is no point contacting me it's over bdsm is just pointless - really
Not looking now come to the conclusion it is a total waste of time, space and effort. Don't think anyone can convince me otherwise..
Just here to put jokes on my journal page and to speak with friends nothing more.
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Clean can be funny.
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.
*****************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
*************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
******************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'
********************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
********************************************************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
******************************************* |
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A joke sent to me by Silverwolf91
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep - the woman on the top bunk and the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over - wakes the man and says, I'm sorry to bother you - but I''m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye - says, I''ve got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married.
The woman thinks for a moment. Why not, she giggles.
Great, he replies, Get your own damn blanket! |
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A vampire goes into a pub and asks for boiling water.
The barman says "I thought you only drank blood?"
The vampire puls out a used tampon and says "Am making a brew"
Fuckin classs!! |
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Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2008!
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!'
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'
She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'
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Tis the Season
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"
T-SHIRT
A blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. Tee-shirt.
'Why are you wearing a 'Thank God It's Friday' tee-shirt on Monday?'
'Oh crap!' the blonde says. 'I didn't realize it was a religious t-shirt. I thought it meant 'Tits Go In Front.''
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead , are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO.....," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
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WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
Definitely not!
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).
WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.
WIFE:
- silence - -
HUSBAND:
F*ck ....
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Last night I lost out on winning the pub quiz by one point.
The tie-break question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"
Apparently the correct answer is Africa . |
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Irish maths test
Paddy wants a job, but the boss won't hire him until he passes a little maths test.
Here is your first question, the boss said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" Paddy says? "Dat MS">?s easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Have you no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says Paddy.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.. "Ere ye go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire Paddy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere ye go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog came along and pooped by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"
Paddy is the new supervisor.
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A 54 year old woman had
a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she
asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to
live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she
had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of
it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded,  "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"
(You'll love this)
God replied: "I didn't recognize you!!" | | | | | | |
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>  "Life is short.
> Drink the good wine first"
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BEWARE OF THAT UNDERWEAR DUST!!!!!!
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your arse!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker, 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!
  You guys just never learn... do NOT tick off the woman
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A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,
But they only know to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment.....
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two
male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with
Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, And your parrots are
sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day,
She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....
As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...
Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...
After a few minutes,
The female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence...
Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,
'Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered! |
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Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe.... as it
happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather
deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see
the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob
attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes
into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at
the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding!
Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her
medical assistance..
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a
short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming
from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately
blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been
in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please
use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is
a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled
you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles
to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I'll see
what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob
following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses
from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining
table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious,
Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no
avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps
to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he
has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting
melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and
he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting
piano music.. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the
beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master! ..... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
(I am soooooo sorry...... Well not very!
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A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal |
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Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
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One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?' |
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A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221..'
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Fred and Larry got married in California.
They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they went back to the house of Fred's Mum and Dad for their first "married" night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Larry are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mum replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mum replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
His mum says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mum replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...... I gave him my airplane glue.'
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Blokes sees an advert in a pet shop - talking centipede £5000.
He buys it and takes it home in a small box. After about 30 mins opens the box and asks if it would like to go for a pint...........the centipede doesn't answer.
Raising his voice he repeats the question but still no reply.
Getting angry thinking he's been done, he shouts the question at which the centipede sticks his head out of his box and says....
.
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.
.
"I heard you the first time.... I'm putting my f * ckin' shoes on!!"
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ALWAYS ASK, NEVER ASSUME !!
His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone
to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the
valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the
hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get
some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So,
what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'
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Please Remember, these people walk among us, and are allowed to vote!
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
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RECTUM STRETCHER
While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'
To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammerred, 'A what?............
'A rectum stretcher!'
'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked
' You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face....... PRICELESS
For everything else, there's MasterCard
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1981 & 2005 - Two Interesting Years
Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The pope died.
Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The pope died.
Lesson to be learned:
The next time Charles gets married, someone warn the Pope.
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This is a little pet hate of mine ---
The drama queens that say 'Oh I am closing my account and that will be it' only to return the next day and the day after etc... FFS either go for good or stay - just stop making a big drama out of everything...
It won't make people feel sorry for you it will just make people think you are drama queens looking for sympathy so do us all a favour and leave for good... rant over.... |
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Shopping Scam.......
Please please please - make yourself aware of where this is happening AND tell your friends! Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam whilst out shopping. Simply dropping into
Morrisons in Southend for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking young men with foreign accents come over to your car and help pack your shopping into the boot. They then both start cleaning your windscreen.. Their firm young bodies bulging out of their skimpy vest tops. It's impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another store, in my case, Tesco's in Southend. You agree and they both get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing, and both get completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting himself against you, whilst the other one steals your purse!
I had my purse stolen Dec 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also Jan 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this coming weekend.
So Be Warned!
P.S. Lidl have purses on sale for £1.99 each, Aldi are £1.75 but look a lot nicer.
;))))
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Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor tiles.
Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suction-cupped herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce ! Bruce !" Bruce came running in.
"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said.
"S'truth ," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl!
I'll go across the road and get Cobber (his mate)."
They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way, we can't do it,"
Cobber said, "so let's try Plan B."
"Plan B," exclaimed Bruce , "what's that?" "I'll go home and get my hammer
and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber.
"Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples."
"Play with her nipples?," Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that,
mate!"
"No," Bruce replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide
her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive." |
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and
Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'
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A real story by a Man who was standing in a queue in Tesco's.........
I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was
standing in the queue at the till.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time
but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awoke in an intensive care ward with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works
is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so
I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting
in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food?
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The Funeral Procession
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
~
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet
behind the first one.
~
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
~
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
~
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a
bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose
funeral is it?'
~
'My wife's.
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''What happened to her?'
~
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'
~
He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'
~
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the
dog turned on her.'
~
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
~
'Can I borrow the dog?'
~
The man replied,................. 'Get in line.'
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NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this any more,
'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly. 'In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin'
abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell '
Mississippi '.'
£50 says you're gonna read this again.
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I love this.... Thanks again Tango101
Sex is the best way to lose weight. Look how many calories you can burn:
TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES
With her agreement..............................12 cal
Without her agreement..........................187 cal
TAKING OFF THE BRA
With both hands..................................8 cal
With one hand...................................12 cal
With one hand being slapped..............37 cal
With the mouth..................................85 cal
PUTTING ON THE CONDOM
With erection......................................6 cal
Without erection..............................315 cal
PRELIMINARIES
Trying to find the clitoris......................8 cal
Trying to find G spot..........................92 cal
Without caring at all............................0 cal
WHEN DOING IT
Holding her up..................................12 cal
Just on the floor.................................8 cal
POSITIONS
daddy-mummy.................................12 cal
69 laying...........................................8 cal
69 standing up................................112 cal
Trolley............................................216 cal
Italian chandelier.............................912 cal
HAVING AN ORGASM
Real...........................................112 cal
Fake...........................................315 cal
POST ORGASM
Staying in bed......................................18 cal
Jumping off the bed...............................36 cal
Explaining why she jumped off the bed...816 cal
GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION
Between 16 and 19 years of age........12 cal
from 20 to 29...................................36 cal
from 30 to 39..................................108 cal
from 40 to 49..................................324 cal
from 50 to 59..................................972 cal
over 60.........................................2916 cal
PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES
Quietly..............................................32 cal
Being in a hurry..................................98 cal
With her husband opening the door.................1218 cal |
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Just love this one by Tango101 - thanks again for this joke Tango
Tiger Woods, while in Japan for a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Ana ga chigau! Ana ga chigau!". Hearing this, Tiger knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.
The next day while playing golf with his Japanese colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, Tiger joined in and began yelling, "Ana ga chigau! Ana ga chigau!"
Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?" |
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Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says,
'We have a strict rule here in heaven:
don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
and although they try their best to avoid them,
the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
spend eternity chained to this man!'
The next day,
the second woman steps accidentally on a duck
and along comes St. Peter ,
who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together
with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and,
not wanting to be chained
for all eternity to an ugly man, is very,
VERY careful where she steps, sliding her feet as she walked.
She manages to go months
without stepping on any ducks,
but
one day St. Peter comes up to her
with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says,
'I wonder what I did to deserve being
chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says,
'I don't know about you,
but I stepped on a
duck.
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By kind courtesy of Tango101
Two women decided to go out one evening, without their husbands.
After laughing the entire evening away and finding they had consumed
too much alcohol, they decided to head home.
About halfway, they realized they needed a bathroom QUICK. The only private
place to stop was the cemetery. A little bit scared and a bit tipsy, they
stumbled off the road and realized they had no toilet paper or Kleenex.
Since this was an URGENT trip they decided to make do The first one decided to
use her panties and then discard them. The second didn't want to do that
because she had on new underwear.Instead, she grabbed a big ribbon from a floral wreath on the grave
stone next to her. The morning after the two husbands were talking to each
other on the phone, and one of them said to the other, "You know, we'll have
to keep a closer watch on our wives. I think they were up to no good last
night.My wife came home in the wee hours without panties!
The other one responded, "Well, you're lucky. Mine came home with a
card stuck in her butt that read, "We will never forget you .... The Carboni
Brothers."
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DAMN FINE EXPLANATION
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love
to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How
dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm
leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell
you what happened.'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to
me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive
home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and
out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told
me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made
for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll
put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was
doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw
them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had
for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you
don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear
just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the
expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the
same.'
The husband took a quick breath and
continued -
'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to
the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do
you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
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How's Norma??
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital.
She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'
The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear.
What's the name and room number?' The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay Room 302.' The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse. After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.' The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried!
God bless you for the good news.' The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?' The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in
302. No one tells me shit!...'
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FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Cost of a bowl of soup at homeless shelter $0 dollars
Having Michelle Obama serve you your soup $0 dollars
A homeless person receiving government funded meals taking a picture of the first lady using his $500 Blackberry cell phone... Priceless
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A beautiful message about getting old....
Well crap!! I have forgotten what it was..... |
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How to get a hairdrier through customs
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside
her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's
birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid
they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs
for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to
declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which
is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'
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It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came.
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow...
Go on who thought the inevitable - dirty beggars lol!!!!!
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And for all the guys and gals out there thinking of divorce or who are divorced - some jokes for you too!
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
__________
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
__________
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'
__________
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .
__________
A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
__________
A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
__________
Then there was a woman who said,'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.'
__________
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
__________
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
__________
First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
__________
'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for:
Wisdom to understand a man, to Love and to forgive him, and for Patience for his moods.Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'
__________
AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
A husband and wife were waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
After a few minutes a blind man joined them. When the bus arrived, they found it was overloaded and had
only room for 10 more passengers. So the wife and the nine kids went on the bus and the husband and the blind man decided to walk.
After a while, the husband became irritated by the constant ticking
of the stick of the blind man as he tapped it on the sidewalk, so he said to him,
'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?
That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'
The blind man replied, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick,
we'd be riding the bus, instead of walking so shut the hell up.'
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Ok Blessed are the cracked - for they let in the light - Amen
Some nice little put me downs when you can't think of anything to say......
Everyone seems 'normal' until you get to know them
You are not yourself today!
I noticed the improvement straight away!
Don't let you mind wander
Its far too small to be out on its own!
Don't make me use upper case!!!!
Wipe your mouth there's still a tiny piece of bullshit around your lips!
Why don't you slip into something more comfortable - like a coma?
Don't know what your problem is but it must be hard to pronounce.
If you have something to say - raise your right hand and place it over your mouth! |
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I HAVE JUST
ONE
QUESTION...
 if this picture disappears - the description is a gravestone with HISCOCK engraved on it...lmao want to know where they buried the rest of him :)
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WHO SAYS MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in
front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room,
'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we
first met 20 years ago and started dating.
You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he asks solemnly.
The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and
sensitive her husband is.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses.
The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your dad
caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair
beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun
in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send
you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that, too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says....'I would have
gotten out today.'
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MY LIVING WILL
Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a bitch.....
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Gay Ray goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, ' Ray, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.'
Ray is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?'
'Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,1/2 box of All Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice.'
Ray asks bewilderedly, ' Will that cure me, Doc?'
Doc says, 'No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is for.'
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Q: How many women with PMT does it take to change a light
bulb?
One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this f***n house knows HOW to change a f***n light bulb! They
don't even know that the f***n bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE f***n DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the god damned light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the f***n chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME f***n SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER
THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO F**er EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES
OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATEDFROM THE F***N PILES OF GARBAGE THAT
ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE F***N HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND
DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE F***N TOILET PAPER ROLL !!
I'm sorry.
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Right this is it for tonight I promise lol
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If You yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly Seems worth it.)
If You farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced To create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The Human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to Squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A Pig's' orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(DAMN IT !!!!!)
A Cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to Death. (Creepy.)
(I'm Still not over the pig.)
Banging Your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't Try this at home, maybe At work)
The Male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its Body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)
The Flea can jump 350 times its body length It's like a human jumping the Length of a football field.
(30 Minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The Catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What Could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some Lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I Still want to be a pig in my next life....quality over Quantity)
Butterflies Taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The Strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm...... )
Right-handed People live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed People.
(If You're ambidextrous, do you split the Difference?)
Elephants Are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, So that would be a good thing)
A Cat's' urine glows under a black light.
(I Wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An Ostrich's' eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like That)
Starfish Have no brains
(I Know some people like that too.)
Polar Bears are left-handed.
(If They switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans And dolphins are the only species that have sex for Pleasure
(What About that pig??)
(and God love that pig) |
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Chicken Surprise
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken
Surprise',
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
slightly And she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before
the Lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she
Asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises,
And he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening,
And demands an explanation.
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
You're going to love this..................
You're going to hate yourself for loving this!..............
'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck
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NO OFFENCE TO THE IRISH PEOPLE YOU ARE ALL FAB.....
Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his
age,
in a small coastal Irish community.
After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed
during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled
to a climax once in a while.
So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since
there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't
have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother
and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding with a
big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.
So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big
towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax. So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as
the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to
the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man
have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel. They tried it that
night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a
boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya waves a fukkin'
towel!'
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Drugs and Side Effects
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and
eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this
Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl
of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a
juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie
chicken
or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not
hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me get up? I'm starving."
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If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with
walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... barefoot...
BOTH ways
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in
hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard
I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look
around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my child hood, you live in a damn
Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got
it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know
something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the
card catalogue!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a
pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox
and it would take, like, a week to get there! Stamps were 3 pennies!
Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of
fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass!
Nowhere was safe!
There were no MP3' s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to
hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would
usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD
players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and
"eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone. Cause - that's how
we rolled, dig?
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and
somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It coul d be your school,
your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you
just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister !
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution
3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and
'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your
imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one
screen... forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and
faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You
were e screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass
and walk over to the TV to change the channel! NO REMOTES!!!
There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday
Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for
cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to
use the stove! Imagine that!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or
before!
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MIX UP AT XMAS
A young man called Reg from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland.
Reg consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note… not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Reg unknowingly got the knickers.
Good old Reg sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.
Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Reg
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing. |
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Wise words from NYCpl4lifetime:
The desire to cage or be caged can be very strong. For the submissive/slave it can be the culmination of a lifetime of fantasies and dreams. To be captured and dragged off into capture and forced servitude or usage by a Dominant is to many the ultimate act of desire on the part of the Dominant or captor. There is the relinquishment of responsibility. The acknowledgment of acquired possession. It is to feel valued. Desirable and desired. In addition there is the removal of constraint. An element of freedom and release of inhibition are intricately intertwined around the concept of being captured, caged, used, owned, possessed and forced.
Great piece of writing indeed
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| Age: 32 |
| San Antonio,
Texas |
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