The other day at work, a good friend told me a very personal, very sad thing. He said that he had been sleeping on the couch for years. He played it off with this quip: "I'm married." From everything I've observed over the years, this kind of thing is not at all uncommon. After all, it happened in my own marriage.
 Why is that?
 It's a trap, a lover's trap. The love, the fire, the delight in each other's company that forges us into a sacred union becomes a distant, mocking memory. Here, inside the trap, petty politics reign supreme, the daily bullshit, the dirty socks.
But what catches and holds us there? Couples stay there because they have retreated there. The relationship in limbo is a joyless refuge of stability, where lovers hide from one another. Because it's tolerable, it's tolerated. And it sets in like concrete.
 It's maddening.
 Fifteen years ago When my own marriage went awry, my betrothed, enterprising girl that she is, found a replacement for me. Wounded to my soul, I could only ask...why? She answered directly: "He pampers me."
 The crazyest thing about it was that we, of all people, should have known better. After all, we were enlightened BDSM'ers. Still we fell into that lover's trap, that diabolical, ugly thing born of complacency and familiarity.
 How did it happen? We forgot. We forgot our rituals, our protocols, our better selves. Especially me; I forgot to honor Her with my focus and attention. Love is in the doing, and I forgot to love.
 What to do?
 As a man, I can put these sad lessons to good use. The nature of Woman is elusive, but I have found one fundamental facet to be universal. That is, She will not blossom if She is not cherished. Whether a Woman defines Herself as Goddess, as equal, or as your chattel, She must never, ever, be taken for granted. For a man to fulfil his true nature in the sublime dance of the sexes he must know this at his core.
 For the submissive man, one would think this should be easy. When a submissive man is blessed with a dominant Woman to serve, the dynamic is already in place. But things can still go wrong. Regardless of a Domme's personal style and approach, if this is the Woman to whom he has pledged himself, he must wake up every day with one clear mandate: how can I love Her today? What does She desire of me? Of course every man is by nature self serving, so we must work hard to focus completely on Her.
 Fortunately there are things that can help us do that. I find that some form of chastity is basic to keeping the proper attitude. It's the way we men are wired, and it works wonders. And we must remember our daily rituals, both verbal and physical. Ritual and worship go hand in hand, always reminding us of our sexy little power dynamic. With these tools we submissive men can daily display our devotion, lest we lapse into vanilla banality and wind up sleeping on the couch.