Peeking my head in here today but hardly ever on this site anymore. Happy these days and living with my dominant.

I see these men on here. I really do feel for them. I am a submissive, and I was looking for happiness here after a hard last couple of years myself.

I cant imagine being a man here. All the flakes and game players.

I found a person who makes me happy. Who I am exploring a journey with, I know it can be done for others as well. Men, you need to get out to local events, munches etc and meet others face to face. The computer is a good tool to meet others, yes... but it can also work against the goal if that is the ONLY tool you are using. Get yourself out there where the kinky people hang.

I am not looking for guys right now unless it is part of a paid session (I switch professionally). I'm sorry, that is just where I am at right now. I have two men in my life and I am happy in that. However I dont mind guiding and helping direct people to local events to meet others.

Good luck to each and every one of you on this site. May you achieve the ideal situation you seek as well :)

Looking for a local photographer.

From a recently viewed profile.

"Since you are here, I can assume that you are a no limits slave who has yet to meet a....."  Yada yada yada. Ok, since you are here you have no limits? NO LIMITS???  Um... Ok :)  LOL!!!!

I'm just waiting for the day when I go on CM and see a neighbor or vanilla friend on here.

Words like considered for “training” and “offering protection” can be red flags. Offering training is something (some) "Doms" can come up with for newbie submissives, kind of like "protection". They will "train you".

I’m a seasoned submissive, I can come off hard to some people, but its only because once you enter my profile, you have entered the no bullshit zone here. That protocol silliness doesn’t work on me guys.  

This Dom who said I could be “considered for training”. He may be a good guy really (I actually like his pic and he seems like a stand up guy), but using those particular words for an opening note is a mistake on his part (in my opinion). Although I’m sure it probably works on most silly little girls on this site. So rock on drummer!

I woke up to this. lol

"You're a frickin sick psycho weirdo ... and I love that in a woman. Just kidding ... kind of".

I guess my "psychotic" is showing.

Oops :)

Lol, ok just had an interesting exchange. I was called a Domme with a sub profile. Oh, then I must be doing something right :)

He asked me if I was new to this, now I see why.

So I'm a Domme now because I dont seek an “owner”. First of all you don’t know the first fucking thing about me. Maybe I DO like being owned, love it in fact, just not by you!  I will not give myself in that way ever, and I have my reasons. But they are MY reasons. I don’t have to explain them to you.

Then, I am a Domme because I wont meet someone at the Arclight theater dressed exactly as he tells me while his eyes are on me so he can see me (but I cant see him lol), then we meet another time face to face, like in a movie or a book. This is a first exchange you idiot! Lol. Basic 101.

Hahahahahaha! That is fucking ridiculous, this is REAL LIFE. Has anyone ever done that with you yet? Yea? Oh then guess what, they were NEW TO THE SCENE. If that means I am a domme, then I guess I should go shopping for some new fuck toys!

I'm submissive, not retarded. Fuck off  scrappy.

Ahhhhh, first sip of coffee is so good. So yesterday was my shot day (see newly uploaded pic).  The shot is for Arthritis, which has gotten quite aggressive the past two years. People say “you cant have arthritis, you’re too young!”. Don’t I wish. I developed it in my 30’s.

So a couple of months ago I started shots. And yesterday’s shot, it didn’t go very well. I pushed it in, and started to inject when all of the sudden I felt the medicine hit my foot. It felt as though it popped into my skin, but it hadn’t! I wasted half my dose (dammit).  That was a first. So I went to push it and the needle would NOT penetrate. Apparently It was duller than shit. These shots are prefilled so using a small sharp diabetic needle is not an option.  Im somewhat at the mercy of the makers of Humira. My daughter was taking the picture for me (I promised my friend fishparts I would take one as I didn’t do it on cam this time) and she was cringing (as was I). So It finally popped in and I delivered half a dose, not sure of the repercussions of that. But I love these shots, they are making my life so much easier. I wish I would have started them two years ago before my hands became tweaked. Oh well, never too late. And I am loving them. I am able to roller skate, and do the little things like opening cat food, turn handles, carry stuff better without dropping stuff. Little things are no longer a challenge.

So having lunch with fishparts the other day, he told me something cool. I am artist minded. Interesting. I have taken a few art classes in the past, but he said my artistic creativity comes out in other ways. Writing for one (cough)  and I do enjoy making  cool things at times (I made a really cool leather strap with deer antler handle awhile back), but never considered myself such. He said its more of a frame of mind however, and artists can be a little “out of the box”. And even come off a bit nutty at times. So we are chatting away in the restaurant, and talking a little about my past which I tend to be very hard on myself about, and a few things that come out now about it. For example I’m very touchy about feeling like a “whore”. I hate the feeling of being used and not overall respected (in the undercurrent). I’m not talking about in a scene, that I can deal with. But an example would be meeting someone, and giving a bj in a car or something, and only doing that, then leaving,  I refrain from such activities. Ironic I am friends with fishparts because he LOVES the word whore lol. “Come down to Redondo and ill buy you lunch, whore”. But being that we are just friends, and he says it in that NY  lawyer way, it doesn’t affect me. After all, everyone knows being friends with an east coast lawyer is way worse than being friends with a whore.

Moving on, he happens to be big on humiliation with his slave, who he will make eat out of a dog dish now and then etc. Or make her wait in the car like a doggie. I just can’t wrap my head around that, the kink of it. Not being my thing, I can’t relate to it but I can appreciate it. To each his own. No judgments here (other than the lawyer thing). Anyway, he was talking about people who are artist minded, they tend to run somewhat deep personality wise, and struggle with themselves even on the best of days. Intense. And they tend to do things that may be considered “off the deep end” to some. Diving into addiction would be one example. To “feel”, or “not feel” depending on their frame of mind at the time. He also said there is a certain responsibility they have, and that is to make art. They need to do it, It soothes them. Or they go a little crazy. Then he said something that hit me quite deeply, and suddenly. He said “So you’re not a whore, you’re just an artist.”

Ever  drive down a smooth road, relaxed and comfortable, and have a car suddenly pull in front of you causing your adrenaline to rush? Taking you out of that relaxed state, and into a sudden burst of emotion? That is what his statement did to me. Instantly.  

Time to get up. Coffee is gone, and I NEED a shower. Have a good day.

A rant.

I try to be a good girl. I dont have a lot of care free time for me due to kids, hubby, family, work etc. I have people to take care of all the time.

This weekend was my chance for me to have a somewhat carefree time without restraints, but it ended up being the most restricted time for me mentally.

I needed to be around people all day yesterday, for whatever reason. And my vanilla friends were not around. It would have been helpful if my hubby would have let me go to the lair last night, for no other reason to have people to be around me who i felt I needed to be with. But I wouldnt dare because he wasnt feeling comfortable. But it does suck.

Instead I was reeling all day, stressed out trying to occupy my mental footing which wasnt happening, still not sure as to why.
 
I was the very last one to leave the munch (6 o clock) because I didnt want to be alone. I was up last night at ridiculous hour which is unusual, because my energy was just off.

I really needed to spread my wings a little at this time, and it wasnt able to happen.

I have major events all month and could have used a little breathing room now, without feeling guilty. Not to mention I really could use a cathartic session (!), which I need total chemistry with to be able to have (!), more than ever (!), and acting upon or taking this opportunity to do so is a clear violation. So Im frustrated.

I was talking to a friend last night. He was telling me how I should always remember to live in the present, never the past. He said the past is like a vacation that we have visited before, and we no longer have a visa to visit that particular place. Like a movie, we watch a movie. It triggers emotions and ideas and thoughts. But it’s not real. The people are just actors, the props are just that, props. Although the events may be based on real events that happened, they are not really happen in the movie we are watching now. It’s made to trigger emotion. It wasn’t real.  The past is a memory. But it is no longer here. Its like a movie playing in our head.

NOW is real. Face to face experiences. I am who I am RIGHT NOW. Live in it. This life.. This experience.  I am not who I once was. The future is unwritten. I will see the signs if I am doing the right things for me. When I’m not doing the right things for me, I wont see the little signs.  Its hard to explain but I kind of got it what he meant.

I can try to wrap that idea around the darker parts of my mind, my sexuality, it is what I need to do. But for whatever reason Im not able to do that, not just yet I guess. Trying though.

I am so bummed. This next month is huge, every single weekend is booked with big family things, from Easter to birthdays to baby showers to graduations. Spring break this coming weekend. Kids and hubby gone for a few days. It was my chance to cut loose a little for some very needed me time, after taking care of EVERYBODY,  and not have to worry about being home early, or having to get up early etc. I can finally breathe!  

I have been so pent up as of late. It’s been quite awhile  since I have truly been able to righteously be used hard, get in touch with my submission, and truly purge out all my tension, the best and most wonderful way, through my tears. It has been since before Christmas since I have been righteously used. And I really have been needing to let go.

So last night after some reflection he informed me that he does not want me to go out while he’s out of town as he won’t be here in case something goes wrong. Not even to the Lair or Threshold. I will be inundated with major family business for the next month or two so needless to say I'm not thrilled. It’s not as if I am planning to do anything dangerous, I am responsible after all, and I (now) know very responsible people.

So I was noticeably upset, and trying to reason with him. It only led to a blow up and “there is nothing more to discuss, I’ll stop all of it if this becomes a problem”.  My hubby is vanilla in some ways, but very dominant in others, and his word is the bottom line for sure. He has been involved in the lifestyle, but is more of a kinkster, and he just doesn’t understand a lot about the bells and whistles of this realm. Nor does he care.  

So it was getting ugly. I was feeling very hurt and upset, as this is my only chance for awhile to have some “me” time.

But I apologized. When we were not doing good and I knew he was mad (we hardly ever fight) It all came back momentarily, the guilt, wanting to escape the emotional pain, craving non consensual and physical pain etc (its been so long since I’ve felt that way).

He was pissed, I was pissed. He said I was being selfish, and left. It was a bad time. Finally he had cooled off, came home and we talked.

He said I can do something during the week when he gets back. But the Lair isnt during the week. And my whole family will be here anyway.

But he agreed to let me go to the munch this weekend. And if I want to I can go somewhere with my vanilla girlfriends at one point if I want to.

But bottom line I have to bear it and grin. And doing the things I want to anyway is not an option, dishonesty is never a good thing.

And maybe I am being selfish. Am I being selfish?

The Lair last night. I’m so glad I went. I get something unique out of it each time I go. I was in a strange place mentally (I know, don’t say it, what else is new) but I didn’t really realize it until I watched the scenes at the end of the evening.

But looking back, I spent the day building, building, building. In my knowledge of it all, in a methodical way. I listened to the insights and learned. I talked to people. Had a great meal with Koinonia between classes.

The face slapping class at Threshold was really good as I could learn the do’s and don’ts which I have been wanting to learn for quite some time. Could have used the hot/cold trick the last time I scened, big time. Luckily I knew a couple of people there for the hands on part, and we did end up practicing (thanks Mr_Modo), and I even felt Lord Dan’s hand momentarily (he’s quite precise!). The Lair insight with slave rick on communication was great too (but my face wasn’t red after slave rick’s insight). Both great classes. Glad I went.

But the clincher was about 1 am. I was sitting there with Sadistic healer, who was doing a little energy work with my hands, and I was watching scenes that were going on. There were several hot scenes, and there was a great energy in the room, but one scene in particular was unexpectedly very “moving”. I don’t know if it was my headspace or what, but I couldn’t take my eyes off this scene! And I was completely tapped into her energy. It was mesmerizing to say the least.

Silventar was using the singletail on his pet. With every stroke I was getting in touch with my submission deeper and deeper. I’ve never had that happen . Submission by proxy. I still am not quite understanding what it was about that particular scene that was so moving, what made it so personal for me. But it was beautiful, and scary (the sound when he was cracking the whip was jarring). I was slightly embarrassed too, as I had to really hold back my tears which were coming anyway (!), but it is a side effect of feeling my submission so strongly.

Crying in front of others makes me feel so vulnerable. I try to be strong in my everyday life, so holding back is my first reaction. I need to work on accepting that part of me, just let go. But I wasn't understanding it. I didn't know why I was so moved. And I’m still processing it in fact.

When I got home I fell into my hubby’s lap. He was so sweet. And he was hoping I had played which I didn’t but I explained to him (for the umpteenth time) that I try to not play casually like that, and publically puts even a different spin on it. But I was super wet, so he had me cum a couple of times which was really needed. And I cried when I did so which is always just the BEST for me, but crying isn’t his thing entirely (hence him letting me play with others now and then). But the crying turned to laughter as my cat jumped up on the chair that very second and licked my leg and it felt so good I came that moment (a first and hopefully the last time that happens), so I felt like a total pervert for cumming when my cat licked my leg, started laughing hysterically, broke the whole mood. Lol.

Shameful I know. It was an interesting night to say the least.

Wow. I just rec'd an invite to tonight’s Oscars (really good seats!). How nice for someone to think of me. Unfortunately I had to decline.

Other than the fact I have my family, I don’t know him other than a couple very brief exchanges on this site.  I wouldn't feel good about myself to accept such generosity, without really knowing someone. Not a good starting point, I would feel like a user. Oh well. Maybe the next lifetime. Waaaaa!!!

I’ve been a little down the last couple of days. I’ve lost a couple of friends who were in my life somewhat consistently last year, and now they seem to be gone. One I was very close to, and they too seemed like they valued good friendships.

People are individually special to me, and when I make friends I put myself into it. When they suddenly go, its an adjustment, but I always have been one to carry on. And although I will try to keep communication open for awhile, I won’t chase anyone who doesn’t wish to be close. But there is definitely a hole in my heart that makes itself known from time to time. This is one of those times.

On one hand I hope one day our paths cross, to be close again. On the other hand if someone can drop me so easily… I should be more guarded on this end I guess. But I cant help who I am.

Feeling deeply can be such a curse. In play, in friendships, in relationships, in work relationships.
 
I have a convention to go to this weekend for work. Im not looking forward to it. My bosses are total assholes. And I have to spend two days with them.

I will get a room though, and might meet a friend in the evening, and get hypnotized which is cool. Maybe he can help me take more control over this part of me, over my life.

I don’t smoke pot (at all, really I dont) but I have a friend who desperately needs detailed advice on pest problems for growing (he's legal I guess). If anyone has experience please let me know. Thanks.

Ok, I guess my journal may be coming off a tad "angry"? Oops. :)

Im not angry, just a little frustrated? But good overall so I will try to watch it with the negativity!

Lol!!!!!!!!!!! Ok. NOW I have seen it all. I won’t write directly, because I believe people (as silly as they can sometimes be) should be able to partake in their search in any manner they see fit without being confronted about it. And yes, I know… if one doesn’t have anything nice to say they shouldn’t say it at all, but fuck that. I must. However I will keep it to MY journal (the free speech thingy).

If a “Dom” (cough) has to run an ad on CM looking for a virtual asst. i.e. person for hire, paid or otherwise (insisting on 20 hours per week!), as a subbie head hunter, he is totally pathetic in the first place and needs all the help he can get.  He should just give up now.

Calinipples made me lunch today between my appointments. So sweet. I really dug hanging out with her, we may not see each other often, but she really comes through when I need her.
 
Like last time I had a big scene we met right after, she flipped out when she saw me, at the marks on my face from the Dom getting carried away (lots of face slaps and the rivets from the hood pressing, oops) so she had me ice up, right there in a pub, so my vanilla friends wouldn’t notice and my hubby wouldnt freak (didn’t help the marks) then bought me make up to cover! What a friend huh?

Unfuckingbelievable. I don’t get it. (Shakes head). Can I just say it now once and for all? If you as a female "friend" have ulterior motives of bringing me to your Dom for a threesome, fuck off. Im not interested.

If you are a Dom who acts like a friend, but has ulterior motives to have a threesome with me and your sub, or one of my subbie friends, fuck off. I wont set you up, I wont bring you a harem,  get your own pussy, and move on now.

I had a good friend and about a month ago he hit me up for a threesome. Wasnt open to it. I didnt entertain it. Havent really heard from him since. So that sucked because I really liked him, and I still miss our conversations.

About the same time I was talking to a Dom here locally, he was cool and knowledgeable, he was wanting to get a local munch off the ground, sharing good advice etc. Then at one point we were talking generally and I told him my feelings on sex with chicks, turned out he just wanted a third to bring his girl who is training to be a Domme now. Bam.... gone.

Last night it happened again, I was talking to this one Dom, great convos, cool person, young energy. Far away but I really enjoyed chatting.  Then whammo he said something about bringing him new toys. Lol. Haven’t met. Already wants more. I was thinking its funny how Doms think we subbies just all hang out and beg to fuck other Doms. Lol

Its not jealousy or anything like that. Its just irritating how I keep loosing (what I thought to be) friends over it, cause Im not a matchmaker.  And these days especially, Im not really feeling "bi".

Last year I had a threesome with a Dom and his sub. I’ve done it before a few times in the past, and this was the last straw as I realized once and for all, its just not for me. It actually was very non sexual.
 
Plain and simple, although I have a deep love for women, and respect them, and value good friendships with them, and even have fucked them many times in the past, I cant feel sub to them, and I dont switch, and vanilla makes me vomit, so fuck it. I have entered the anti cunt zone, as Calinipples would say.

I discovered the hidden tab. Every now and then there will be a profile that is just too disturbing to see pop up. For whatever reason. Most the time it will be a cockshot. Or just someone who I have seen for years, using the very same pic. That is disturbing. People change, even within a year. Or, their words are ugly. Sometimes that will make me hide them. Or, we have had exchanges and they are not desirable for whatever reason. Pushy etc. Yes, I like the hide button.  Im sure people have used it on me as well!

My husband keeps looking at me, I can see it from the corner of my eye. Then I turn to him and he just kind of smiles and says something sweet. I'm wondering what he's thinking. I need to be committed? I have a feeling that might be it :)

I know I will feel better if I just get shit DONE. Everyday stuff. Get though it and behind me.

I saw a vanilla friend yesterday, she asked me if I was sick. I laughed and said "No! Why do you ask?" She told me I look "off". Not good when people say that. Hmmm. I think I need to dye my roots, that might help!

I see people more and more writing on their blogs how they are taking a break from it all. That would be the easy way out.

But how can I take a break from life? How can I take a break from the bricks that pile up on my back, from my asshole bosses who are so passive aggressive it's not even funny, and my animals who stay by my side right here, who need to go to the vet soon, and my doctor who keeps pushing me to take heavier arthritis meds which scares the shit out of me but I have to start the shots NOW, and all the people pulling on me to help them when I cant even help myself? I’m just one girl here.

And I have no outlet, and I feel alone in some ways even though I’m not. And I know what I NEED to do, but I just can’t seem to do anything proactive.

Yet its not like I don't have the time. All I do is fuck around on this laptop. Another thing I need to take a break from. Seriously. Fuck.

The only way around it is straight through it, I’ve always said that. I need to take my own advice and get my shit together. IT’S TIME.

At the moment I just exist, and keep moving ahead, and my heart is broken, and I don’t even know why?  I just know I get very sad at least once a day when I over think things, and I keep smiling to everyone I can, to convince them otherwise. But this sadness is starting to take its toll. And everyone else is paying for it. And I am too.

Hubby told me he is taking me away on Friday for the night. He has rescued me in the past. I think he might feel the need to now.

I’m just human,  as are we all. So please spare the judgments. I know I sometimes sound like a basket case. But occasionally I need to sound off.  Thanks for listening. I feel better already.

Notes for myself. Started Feb 4th (should have been feb 2) and will start again March 4th because Feb only has 28 days.

I had a really nice birthday. Goodness, so many well wishers on here and on fet, facebook etc. Pervys and vanillas alike.  I always feel a little undeserving of such attention. I have to learn to just accept.  Yet it felt so good, which added to my guilt. My friend said “God damn, with all the guilt you harbor, are you sure you aren’t Jewish?” (She’s Jewish btw) Lol. Another friend said I need to think lighter, and less “deep”. I can see that too. Kind of like a stepford wife. "Hello dear, Ive made your dinner. Let me get your slippers for you".

Went out on Friday night. My friends wouldn’t let me buy drinks, which would have been fine but they also got me a gifts, and bought snack foods for that evening. My one friend spent at least $80 or more, just on my birthday. And its not like they are rich, you know? So getting home that evening, seeing that people had written on my walls, sent me notes etc. It all just welled up in me, Yikes. Cried like a baby! Good tears. So many good people in my life.

I was exchanging notes on how the pope would self flog during training. At first I was taken back, thinking what a fucking perv. Then something resonated in me. I realized that I do that to myself, MENTALLY. I flog myself. A lot. Its unhealthy. I need to fucking stop it. I guess I just don’t know how yet.

My little girl told me that her teacher is having the class plant a garden for Spring. She loves gardens as much as I do. So normally that wouldn’t be a huge deal, her making one at school, but the timing was incredible. I realized that I need to teach her more here about gardening and such. Maybe we will go shopping for plants soon. But the ground squirrels seemed to like my flowers last year so I need to find bulbs they don’t like.

So when she mentioned, It made me smile as my garden is such a symbol of myself. I mean enveloping everything, my sexuality, my moods, my distractions… its all tied in. I know what you’re thinking.  How would a garden ever be so much a part of all that?

I have tried to keep a garden every year. Its not that Im very green actually, as its never perfect. However the beautiful flowers it brings, always brings me back to how things can renew, refresh. Ive also had my garden die in the past due to lack of care. Which really affects me.

One such time was many years ago (about 20)  and when it happened it was a tad more than I could bare at the time, and I ended up diving into a rather harsh existence. Not entirely because my garden died, but it was the last straw of a few events that preceded (all my fault btw). See at the time, I had a little girl. She was beautiful, and sweet, and patient. She loved me more than anything. She lived with my parents, as I was young, dumb and immature at the time, and caught up into substance mainly. Selfish yes, I know.

But even though we didn’t live together, she stayed in my heart, the guilt of not being with her at the time caused me to keep her alive in my heart in other ways. My garden being one. And let me tell you, when everything around you is broken and dirty, its amazing how beautifully peacful a garden can be. My garden represented her, and everything beautiful, and home, and my beautiful family that I had left behind. So when it died,  I gave in completely and fulfilled my inner self destruction, leading to further darkness, and the end result wasn’t pretty (homelessness, drugs, despair and all the experiences that go hand in hand, such is life).

Fast forward 20 years. Well Ill be damned, it happened again last year!  I was so involved with my inner slut, the beautiful garden that I had worked so hard on, sadly died. The fact that it did so was a direct result of me, my lack of care. Being so caught up in my own stuff actually, I forgot all about it, hence it dying. I was pleased to see this year, the little bulbs taking off so wonderfully, and Im looking forward to all the beauty that will spring up soon. A fresh start. Looking back, I am giving myself a break on last year. After all it was all for the sake of healing a big part of me, and now and then I just have to give myself a pass. Or Ill go crazy.

For my birthday my dad wrote me a song. That man… sigh. He is quite the observant one really, as I don’t think I ever discussed my garden (or lack of) much with him, however this song envelopes everything about it dying out, and coming back. It talks about my hopes, and not giving up, and being caught up in something. Of the disappearing gleam in my eye, the wonder of new things that bring happiness, of being content in ones skin, of the great things in what this world offers. The very things that I let pass me by. Needless to say when my Mom handed it to me, I just read half of it, and had to put it down. Went to take a bath (I tend to run to water when I’m hurting) I’m afraid to hear it.  As I will surely loose it. Lord give me strength! 

At yesterdays munch, I had the pleasure to talk to some very insightful people. I opened up somewhat and was told a few things that seemed to make sense. For instance I may be all intense and heavy during play now (as seldom as it is), crying etc, but once it all runs out, that same emotion can quickly turn to extreme laughter. She said there is still so much more despair in there to let go of, and I guess she’s right. A couple of weeks ago I was shown face to face that I still have “issues” (ya think!) So I want to heal more, not run so fucking deep.

And the munch! There were so many people there. It was cool! As I am seeing more and more familiar faces,  I’m feeling a bit more comfortable. Very cool people indeed. And they were all going to the Lair last night! But I was wiped out. As bad as I wanted to go I didn’t dare. No instead I was snuggled in bed by 9 pm, getting a good night’s sleep was much better an idea for me.

On a different note, going out on Friday night I tried to wear my black body stocking. My (quite vanilla) friend brought it to my attention that I had “whitish” splatter marks all over it. I was horrified thinking “what the fuck?” I knew I got it out of my drawer, thought it was clean, and there was NO WAY it could be cum, but she totally thought it was and there was not a thing I could do about it. It was some sort of weird gluish stuff (not cum!) anyhow, I washed it and it wont come out at all, almost fused on there, so I was going to throw it away. Then I thought that maybe it would be fun to wear it in front of my other vanilla friends just to fuck with them (if I can get up the nerve), I think Ill keep it for awhile just in case. But damn that was embarrassing!

More people coming over shortly. Looking forward to hanging with friends, breaking bread, talking etc. Nice end to the weekend. Here’s to Monday fast approaching.

So many on here remind me of horny little monkeys. On one hand I get it. Hooking up etc. I know, its about sex right? To most anyway.

But on the other hand, its not ALL about just getting laid. For example I have never entertained a connection with one person who had that "let me buy you lunch then fuck you in the car" feel. Never. Have some self respect after all. They actually remind me of subbies, panting over you at a meal... it just comes off fucking creepy. Cock shots, same category. The couple of people who I have seen are in full control of themselves.

They would never even dream of suggesting play that moment. They were looking for something a tad more substantial, a connection, not just a wham bam in the car, let me see your cunt type of encounter 10 minutes after we meet (right). 

Its called balance and control. Not desperation. How can you be in control of others if you can't even be in control of yourself?

Then there is the whole other side of the spectrum that I dont fit in with either. The ones who take the sex out of it all, they tend to forget that we ARE pervs and it CAN BE about sex. Just getting caught in all the politics of it. Hate that too really.

Damn, I dont fit in anywhere lol. Maybe I should join the convent :)

PITTY PARTY TABLE OF ONE

It’s been one of those mornings. It just has to up from here right? I managed to upset a few of my friends on facebook, came unglued on my kid. Just too many little things going wrong.  I just can’t seem to keep my mouth shut right now.  I was supposed to do a class thing at school but didn’t have the correct paperwork so was sent back. Also I shouldn’t be in so much arthritis pain because its not like its raining out. Every little thing is getting under my skin. Taking a Motrin 800 and should do some work, but the idea of going back to bed and starting all over just sounds so good right now.

Wow, got this from a friend. It really comes right out and says it all, doesnt it?

"Psychologically damaged, sexually depraved, morally flexible redheaded vixen with raging libido, body issues, tons of guilt, low self-esteem, hostility toward men, poor grammer and terrible impulse control for psychodrama and kinky sex."

Ha!

Amazing. To think it took me a year of blogging when I just could have said this :)

On one profile I noted the word of the day was Dacryphilia-

The subject of tears during sex? Or during BDSM? Or during terror not pertaining to sex?

It is describing what the OTHER person feels if Im understanding correctly. The one who enjoys the reaction of tears, for whatever reason.

So what would be the word that describes the GIVER of tears? A "baby" I guess :)

Once when I had the unique opportunity to talk to a Master in a casual setting, who runs/owns a play club here in the valley, he once told me "who wouldnt LOVE a crying blowjob? If he is a Dom, he would absolutely LOVE a girl crying on his dick".

Sounds correct to me. I think he might be right :)

Feeling the knot in my throat, eyes filling up,  immediately trying to hide...maybe because I felt weak? Or when that has happened, I may feel guilt that my Dom friend (Meta) has to be a witness of me breaking apart like that? But he always says it's ok, don't hold back. Just let go because he knows I need it, even encourages it on some level. Maybe he is a closet Dacryphiliac? Lol. Well, If he is its backed by an undercurrant of empathy for me at the time, because that is how he rolls.

But tears feel SO GOOD sometimes don't they?! It is the ultimate! But where does it come from?

I know where it does NOT come from.

Physical pain.

Humiliation (although I could see that happening if I ventured into that with someone I care about).

But no, I dont think it's either of those.

It comes from having a sensitive heart. It comes from deep submission, from being so much into what that person is doing to me at that moment, the emotion overwhelms me. And from trying to not cry often when I need to, it just has to come out at one point. Why not during sex? 
 
Dacryphilia-

"Dacryphilia is primarily associated with males. Dacryphilia is often the basis of humiliation in the pain/restriction/servitude/humiliation' spectrum of BDSM, for example, a dominant verbally abuses the submissive in order to elicit a tearful response. Similarly, a dominant may physically torture the submissive to draw tears in a pain scene. In this way, dacryphilia is a form of sadism."

I do get it, but it's a shame that some Doms have to resort to that to get tears from a sub, when its so much healthier to get the same reaction from pulling on her heart strings.

Damn. Another year gone by (almost cringe), they seem to go by so quickly these days. After 25 the years fly by twice as fast, I swear.

I look around at other women my age, and I think to myself "Do I look like these people?". I dont think so. They all seem so fake. Is that harsh? I know I don't ACT like them. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up (is that wrong?). I’m just a simple girl in many ways.

Mainly I see women my age, into shopping, manicured fake nails and designer clothes, men with lots of money etc. entertaining their plastic friends, putting cash away for their next surgery... or divorce. In my eyes they really have nothing. And they look somewhat older to me too, older than their age, the harder they try, the faker they become, terribly unnatural. I guess I shouldn’t judge, its their life, whether it looks fake to me or not. What do I know? More importantly, what do they know?

Certainly not how it feels to give of one's self completely during raw uninhibited sex… Like being forced fucked through my tears, with face slaps and a hand creeping to grasp my throat, yet with trust, underlying love and intensity… without abandon. Or wearing a ball gag, tied and helpless, having a Dom kiss the edges of my stifled lips, telling me what a beautiful cunt I am. My breath taken away when I see the hood, knowing I will have no idea what is coming next. And finally, to feel pain, is to feel life.

No, instead they will put out once a week so their lifeless money based marriages stay "healthy", when all along HE has a little dish on the side who will blow him now and then, when he can sneak away money for a room without the wifey seeing the bill. Aw, what do I know. Im just talking shit. I guess everyone isn't like that, I hope.

But what I learned mainly this year is if there is no connection, I mean a deep connection, those acts are meaningless. And I will drop if I settle for less than that. Which I hate the feeling of. Its just not worth it.

Sigh...

So I bought a toy this week. But it may be too big. I don't know. Im afraid to open it. So its still sitting in my closet. Clear red, called the "9 inch Big Boy". Sounds like a bad gay porno. I tried to get one shorter, but wanted the width, as the stretching thing really resonates with me. Reminds me of fisting I guess. Love that pain.

But my eyes might have been bigger than my cunt, yet again...at least using it alone, might prove to be too challenging. So why do I keep doing that?

I guess it's like getting too much food at a buffet, it all really looks great, but you find yourself too full to ingest it all...

This quake in Haiti. I barely watch the news, so although I have known about it, I haven't seen/heard a lot of footage.

Driving today. Talk radio on. I hear about a women, whose alive but has been trapped for 6 days, talking back and forth with her husband, who was unable to get her.

He had a recorder, and they were talking back and forth. He had been trying to get to her for days, to dig her out, but without equipment it was fruitless. What frustration he must have felt.

So they didnt know if they would ever see each other again, but they were spending what would seem as their last days... together. You could hear her in her native language telling him, no matter what, if she dies, to remember how much she loves him etc. Im listening to this, and as Im listening, Im just feeling the swell build up in me. Hubby's driving, we are both listening.

Just then on the mic, you hear American voices approach. Its a team of firefighters from Los Angeles! Its US. You hear them saying "Do you need help?" They have equipment! Within hours they dig her out!

I break down. Intense. Joyful. To those guys there, this must be what it feels like to be a real live super hero.  

She is hydrated, and her fingers are broken, but she comes out of the hole SINGING.

Incredible.

One minute dark… hail. Very wet. The mountain near us, the waterfalls rushing down the crevices, flowing thunderously into a river gushing down our street. Then just as suddenly a rainbow appears across the whole valley, like a huge smile. Bright sun streaming through my windshield, making me almost hide my eyes. Yet a shimmering light mist still falling. Such beauty. Such contrast.

Running around today, doing my errands… I went past my beauty supply store. A very nice lady works there. Quite a few months ago we were talking. She was telling me about her new boyfriend who was a sexual “Dominant”. I was delightfully surprised, overjoyed for her. I told her there is nothing like it, getting in touch with something so deep within. Being shown something so powerful. But once the door opens for her, it will never close. And she will change. She will experience many highs and possibly many lows due to her new chosen activity.

The next time I saw her, last month, she told me it didn’t work out and was short lived. She never really got a chance to experience what I was talking about, but it was ok as she hooked up with a very close friend and they now decided to marry. She will go through life with no idea of how close she came to true intensity. Something so real, that very few know about in the overall spectrum of things.

When she told me that, I became sad. I couldn’t put my finger on why I became so sad. But when I go past that store my heart still pulls slightly. The thing is, I’m not sure if I’m sad because she came so close to having Pandora’s box opened, or if its because she escaped it…

The more I think about it, the more interesting  last night becomes. The local BDSM scene. The Lair was pretty  cool. I loved the fires. Very warm, one gentleman really kept the wood coming, man that was great! Dark, ambient, lots of cubbys and space, relaxing, casual and comfortable. I now have no idea why I have been so hesitant to go there. I guess I was just intimidated going alone. But hey I feel comfortable to just say no if I don’t wish to play (especially these days), and people respected that. But I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, as it wasn’t personal. And some were all dressed up with nowhere to go. What I mean, dragging around 3 or 4 huge bags of toys, with no one to use them on, which I can’t say that I would have the energy for if I were them (good thing I’M not the Dom huh!).

Calinipples couldn’t make it, but I would like to take her sometime. Not sure what she would think, not being as open minded than me on some things. However, she picked out my clothes and hair. I told her I would wear whatever she said. Thanks Cali!

Great food! The BEST chili. Cookies, ummm  so good.  And peanut M&Ms! Meat and cheese platter. My eyes came out of my head. Kane was great and at one point he stood watch when I had to bring something back to my car.  A gentleman. I appreciated it but felt really bad to bother him with it.  

Next time I will bring a nice  bottle of wine to share, as it was really too cold to drink the cold drinks last night, but there were plenty available which was great. I know there is a general thing about drinking and play, but I don’t overdo, and besides I go with no expectations to play or not play anyway so it's somewhat redundant. 

But there were a couple pretty hot scenes going on late evening. Although it was all “play” per se, some were more sexually charged than others. Sensual and deep vs. playful and lighthearted, you know? In some of them it was just play. Hell maybe it was all sexually sensual, not sure. I’m just going by watching, an outsiders perspective. People laughing, keeping it light. Methodically placing needles here and there. One in particular, an older gentleman. Yikes. A very sore body at the time, nipples etc. It made a couple of us cringe actually. I looked on and wondered, “is this person getting off sexually though?” It didn’t seem like it, looking on as a newcomer of this scene. But he was clearly enjoying himself.

I got to talk to him later on in depth. We had a great conversation. I asked him, “but was it a sexual experience for you?” And he said “absolutely!” But followed it up by saying he thinks there’s no reason for the Dom/sub mentality to enter into it, which was very interesting to hear. He said “its play”. Hm, I saw what he was saying, and I suspect I might have figured that was how everyone in that scene felt, and that’s what always stopped me from getting too involved in scening.

But not one size fits all, right? Not everybody feels that way I’m sure. There are others like me. Who blend all…

Sensuality.

Sexuality.
Emotion.
Intensity.
pain.

I enjoy embracing my deepest intensity. Im not playing when I go into that zone. And I NEED to blend submission with sexuality, its how I’m wired. So I explained to him, that I felt the very opposite. To have methodical pain without the submissive feeling taking over me, I just couldn’t wrap my head around such a thought.

I was so lucky to be able to talk to him.  He took the time to explain why he feels that way. And it was so eye opening! And although I personally don’t see things the same way, I don’t have the experience he does, and maybe im time I will understand his perspective better. I love that he could articulate his thoughts so well on it.

In his eyes the idea of a Dominant/submission aspect,  in the clearest way I could gather, is he looks at it as unfair, with the possibility of being abused. He has seen a lot of people scene over the years.  It has gotten ugly by blending that dynamic with “play” as he calls it. He said “its play! Why do people need to bring that into it?”.  It was then that realized the hard differences between personalities, styles, play, edge, off shoots of BDSM, etc. It all became a little clearer for me.

I realized how different our takes were on the whole subject. In exchange I tried to give him perspective and understanding  of the flip side. How I HAVE to have the Dom/sub mental exchange to even feel my sexuality, and without doing that (for me personally) it mineas well just be a massage or something (don’t get me wrong, massages are GREAT!) but I wouldn’t see the point to engage in a supposed sexual transfer if it doesn’t tap into my sexuality. 

However one thing I have learned this year, never say never. Again, in years to come maybe Ill see it differently. Who knows. And possibly if I had an outlet for such last year when I was a mess, it could have been a good thing.

But for now, chemistry has to be involved.  I could do something methodical, but it wouldn’t feel sexual, pretty sure, and that rush is amazing. So for me it wouldn’t make sense to do it lightheartedly like that.

I LOVE a lasting impression. I live to think about a scene for DAYS after. To feel satisfaction in being used hard, reduced to a crying mess, a broken pile of little girl needing to be built back up and sent on my way with love and a pat on the head, feeling as relaxed as though I spent a day at the spa. Now THAT’S what I’m talking about!

Resist the pull. Self control.

Beautiful night outside. Clear, windy, dark. Stars are bright. Seems like good ritual weather. Where's a full moon when you need one dammit...?

Last two full moons I missed my opportunity. No excuse, as I had three whole nights (each) to do so. Just wasn’t "there", you know?

But I am beginning to see this next year a little clearer. Now that I was able to righteously cum  today (a few times), I think that helped lol. And I really needed that. It seems like its been forever since I have really taken the time and dne it right. Life gets in the way. But it's very worth it too. Family, pets, parents... they all pull at me, but I have a very good life. I know that.

And talking with people, getting to see glimpses of how others live, gives me perspective for my own life. Learning. Im branching out a bit, gaining wisdom from others.

One such person is DarkHrt. A friend from Norway. I have learned quite a bit about how someone can have many sides to them, some very dark, some lighter, but all in control, and all embraced.

Here is this really calm guy, easy going, educated,  always in control. yet he can be highly sadistic (in the extreme of the spectrum actually). Very little anger in him, if any, as it should be.

But he looks at people with an interesting perspective. Unlike me, when he is faced with people who are destructive, or chaotic etc, he doesn’t look at them with emotion of any kind. Not even empathy really. Instead, he steps back and observes, like an experiment on human nature. Quite objectively.

I find it impossible to be that way. To be so in control of my emotions. I don't think that is possible for me. I guess because it would be denying who I am. There is even a part of me who sees it as beautiful.
 
I am sensitive, but isn’t that what I should be embracing? I feel very deeply for others. I can't help it really. And for myself actually. Tears are easy to come by.

But more self control would be good too. And I yearn for it as well. To keep on this road of balance, and hopefully I too can gain an even clearer understanding of who I am in 2010.

Ok, trying to be gentle but I have to tell you this. When someone writes as a Dom, yet has CBT and Strap-ons on their profile, its a dead giveaway that they are (at minimum) a switch.

But even so, if you didn't have that on there it wouldnt matter much with a subbie who knows what she is looking for.  The truth is, I probably would have sensed it anyway. I don't see switches or subs because my submission is really fricken stubborn. In fact, more than 2/3 of the "Doms" on here don't hold the key to it for whatever reason. Most the time there is no rhyme or reason.
 
When two people connect its just chemistry. I’ve tried to wrap my mind around the workings of chemistry. It can't be forced, or contrived, its the weirdest damn thing. It’s in the eyes, mannerisms, the relations between two people.

Basically, just because you use a label of Dom, switch, sub, doesn’t really mean much. Its just a label. Its the person who backs it up which makes the “orientation” (for lack of a better word). The labels just make it closer to being able to make one understand where you are coming from. It just is.

But I can say if you like to be fucked in the ass by a woman, most likely you are a switch, or sub. And for the most part true submissive females will not be into you. Sorry.

Today I’ve been off the hook in a good way.  And Its been nice. Able to let myself feel, really feel in my heart and mind. Seems as tho I have achieved something here as I was quite the sexual girl. Some of the best sex I've had in my own bed by my own hand :)  And as silly as that sounds, it was great.

But excuse me, cover your ears cause Im gonna yell. I NEED TO GET FISTED!!!!! That I cannot do alone. I tried it awhile back but didn’t have lube, drat! Note to self, keep it in my car! But even with, it would not work with just anybody. IT. My submission, and that’s what I would need for it to happen, that’s what I’m talking about! Not trying to be mean btw, just honest J 

And I have this dildo that I use for special occasions. Its pretty large, and I do like using it, but there is a problem with it. Maybe someone can let me know if they have ever had this experience with it latex or rubber or whatever the fuck its made with. Ok, so acid. Acid is a compound that burns surfaces, right? And acid has this taste to it (dont ask me how I know, but I do) but the taste is tart. Like battery acid on a car battery. It tingles, and tastes sour (it does, take my word for it). Well, when this dildo sits for even a few minutes, it gets this same type of reaction.  Acid on the surface. It comes from within. Its not a reaction to me, because it does it even when it just sits. Same taste as acid (can you see the visual here?), and if I dont rinse it just before yikes! Burn. And even when I do rinse it, it still burns after a minute (other than the fact its way too big, which is a whole different kind of pain). On one hand this is good, as afterall I do enjoy some pain. But its not the acid burning kind of pain my cunt likes, I guess. Input anyone?

So yes, lately I have been able to get in touch with my submission, it came to visit me, like an old friend. It’s been a wonderful feeling, to feel it deeply while I masturbate. Deep breaths, waves moving through me from my head to my toes. My fingertips feeling like little sparks of electricity on my skin. Taking off... deep, then deeper, then the wave flowing out... coming back into focus. Then it takes me again, starting all over. With my toys. My mind is fucking. And I like it a lot.

“You were born of darkness. As was I. You belong back there. Don't shy away from the true beauty within your soul. It makes you exceptional, not like the rest of these soulless creatures.
And you know it. You feel it. You ache for it.”

I don't belong back there. It would be moving backwards. I had love growing up, it has always been my script to seek it.  The beauty is, I now have found my worth.  I can still have that darkness. Its part of who I am.  With love, a person can endure, can walk the depths of the lowest degradation, humiliation, pain, torture. But without love and only darkness, there is no contrast, which is just empty. That is what I learned this year…  my continued healing journey that started 20 years ago, came to a head for me 10 months ago today as a matter of fact. Last year was for growth. And now I have come full circle.

And I am exceptional, but not because I’m a broken and scared mess, seeking chaotic pain to stop the emotional pain. It’s because of my strength, true strength that I have gained. To face pain, and reality, and not try to run from it.  

My heart still walks on a razors edge, and intensity takes over, but make no mistake, feeling deeply is not to be confused with feeling an unhealthy darkness, a cloud of self destruction.

Hear this. We talked when I was in the middle of a life changing transformation. There was no contrast then, only darkness. I am not that girl any longer.  It was just growth, and insanity :). I HAVE still retained who I was, but now I see things in a different perspective. The light shines brightly now. And THAT is true power.

You got under my skin last night. Made me think, and ALMOST second guess myself. It is so tempting to let others sway your mind and your actions. THAT is where the greatest challenge occurs.

But especially for you as a Dominant, true strength lys in self control. If you don’t have that, it is self “perceived” strength and it really is a massive weakness.

Yes, there is a part of me that is attracted to the "darker" side of things. But I can’t be taken to the deepest depths of darkness, without that distant spark of light.  There HAS to be that contrast. Of someone pulling on my heart strings at the same time they are pulling the chain attached to my skin.

Each of us views the world based on our childhood experiences of love (or lack of), but for those that are lost, we can be guided home. We only have to find the right person to do this. Heaven help the souls who fall into the waiting arms of a monster. There’s almost no chance.

Through unconditional love, each of us can be shown that we each possess a great sense of worth. Love is evolving, growing, forgiving. Without it we become our worst enemy, stagnant, falling into a downward spiral… into the depths of a blood red river… that leads nowhere.

Chatting with Darkhrt, a friend from Norway. Deep conversation on utilizing Edge for healing of past. Really interesting, thought provoking notes. Very few Ive spoken with gets it, you know? But I guess it is out there, and has worked for others as well.

A very small part of our conversation:

"About the edge... Hunter S. Thompson once wrote Hunter S. Thompson "The edge, there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over" I have not gone over, but I like to balance at the edge. Being in control of the edgy things makes me feel even more powerful.

Playing it safe, but extreme. Putting the real fear into someone - the fear for their life... Being in control of something that powerful is... It makes me feel alive. Truly alive.

I believe that the fear that comes with great control is deeper then the one coming from the explosive anger. The calculated pain. The calculated breath play.

Looking into one's eyes as they panic with a clear plastic bag over their head. Arms locked behind their back. And the use immediately after ripping the bag open - not letting them collect themself.

Controlled fear and healing. They can run hand in hand - but it really depends on the hand controlling."

To be given that amount of trust from a submissive must be quite a rush for a Dom as well. Breathe play is so edgy. Ive felt a tad of it with my one Dom friend, but we don't get overly heavy with it, although I do trust him so completely. And he's quite sane so I know Im not going to die (although with regards to my mouth, the thought of finishing the job may go through his mind now and then :)

 

They say be careful who you bear your soul to. I guess that has always has been my downfall on here. But I just can’t help it, my words just have to flow. I guess I could write and not post, but in my experience I’ve had more positive feedback than bad. Other than the occasional asshole, but you know, they are everywhere right?

C. U. N. T

That word. It really stirs people up doesn’t it? It has so many meanings to so many people. From the vanilla lady who is mortified when she hears it. To the English guy who uses it to insult someone, usually a man. To the Dom who uses it as a pet name for his muse. Yum. I like that one.

I love that feeling, of dressing up before a session, of putting on my makeup and making sure every hair is in place, of pulling up my stockings one at a time, feeling more like a cunt right then than any other time. Of hearing him drive up, the car door slamming, the footsteps. Me, having a heart attack behind the door, but then catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and feeling beautiful, a cunt for His pleasure. And when he sees me… his words “My cunt”. Sigh.

But the subject of the day is fisting. Damn I miss that. Its just been way too long. Calinipples said she’s do it, just one problem. Shes not really bi, and neither am I. But even then she said she could still do it, probably if we drank enough. And shes wearing a cast right now so it would have to be with her good hand. And I asked her if she could do all the other little cool triggers that go with fisting, like counting backwards and telling me to breathe deep now and then to push the hand in further etc, and her response was “I may be blonde but I can count backwards, and as far as breathing Ill just pretend we are in a Lamaze class!”. Gee, thanks girl. What a friend. And she could probably call me a cunt too while doing it, but it would be more like a friend just saying it “So cunt, can we go shopping at the mall after this? Damn you’re dry, need more lube!”.  Yea, wouldn’t be the same.

And it’s nice to you all who have been writing offering to help me, but I have this weird thing. I don’t see strangers, or people I don’t know very well. It’s dangerous. And besides, I can’t just play with anyone, they have to KNOW me, really know me… and even might I go as far to say, they would have to care for me on some level. Or the hardest part will be the day after… when I sink, feeling like a whore who gave in and settled. And those days are behind me now. I can’t let that happen. I mean everyone has a fist, right? That’s not the thing, if it were Id have Calinipples come over and do it. Its not about the act per see, it’s about doing the act with someone on a deep emotional level.

Besides, I have so much I need to do over here. I can’t be sitting here thinking about fisting all the time. I have work, and family, and pets to take care of. And they need me to get my shit together. So back to reality for me…

I would like to know if this is unreasonable. Really, not being smart here, or bitchy. I REALLY want to know.

I was talking to a Dom several months ago. He seemed cool, but a couple of factors put me off so I bowed out. He now started writing again, even tho I told him at the time I wasn’t into proceeding.

He is into fisting, as am I. I love it in fact. However, I have to feel VERY submissive for it to happen.  And as a general preference I do not see switch men or subs. He's a Dom, but he also likes to be fisted. Not that it really matters, as Im done with it but it would be nice to learn what others think about this.

In my eyes, it seems that if a guy likes a fist up his ass, it is a submissive act. Is that the case? Do some true Dominant Males enjoy getting fisted? I know it's probably just a preference, maybe I’m over analyzing, or generalizing, or just wrong. Let me know your thoughts on this. Thanks!

Its 4 am. I can hear the coyotes howling through our neighborhood. They shriek and look for food (IE pets that stupid people leave out at night). Scary.

I just got a note from someone who took time to say "ANOTHER STUPID DUMB ASS COUPLE POSTING IN THE SINGLES SECTION". Hmmm. I didn't answer, deleted it right away, so Ill answer here. Well, I suppose that might be true, if it were not for the fact that when I have played, its alone. He approves/disapproves, I play. The last year I have played totally without him present, and when he was? He hadn’t participated in several years. So thank you for your input. You have a nice day, fuckface, and fuck off now, ya hear?

Things are getting all fucked up anyway right now with play. He's sick of it all at the moment. I miss our bond, which has sadly wedged apart.

I have only actually played a couple times, but he thinks Im online obsessed with sex I think. And it couldn’t be further from the truth! Very rarely do I even go there. You know what I do? I chat with my friends on here. Period. That is what I do on here, especially this year. I love my friends too. I wish I had more platonic friends who understood me. Who have character. Who make me laugh like my one UK friend (whatsafeword) or like me for my personality (that sounds so stupid and virginal huh?). It will be a sad day when he leaves the site. 10 minutes a day answering mail and the rest of the time is exchanging notes, laughing, being silly. Talking about life and stuff. I wish he were closer. We would no doubt get into a ton of trouuble. Maybe it's a good thing that he's not!

I wish Whatsafeword would find a nice girl. He deserves it. A bunch of you guys do. I have met nice people on here.

You know, for as many fakes on this site, that you Doms must face, I have yet to find fake Doms myself. Well, there are a couple who have written I’m sure, but I'm pretty savvy these days. And they give themselves away by a few mi-nute details. Such as listing a International city, with a US state. Pretty easy to tell that way. 

Good, Motrin is kicking in and Im getting a little sleepy again. Thats all for now :) 

Oh!  I get it now. The BDSM Hierarchy writes the rules!!!

This article is very long so I have only included the main rebuttals. There are some valid points for sure, but some points (a lot actually) in my opinion are narrow minded and the very thing that bugs me about people who are "specialists in BDSM". Who says there is a right way and a wrong way of doing things? Oh, the BDSM Heirarchy. Got it.

The term "Acid Test" is an old prospecting term. A powerful acid can dissolve most base metals in a matter of minutes. However, gold will stand up to most acids. So the "Acid Test" was an easy way for people to make sure they had a real nugget of gold and not a lump of the "fool's" variety. In the same way, these tests are meant to be quick ways to identify fake Doms.

Test #1: When in doubt, throw it out! Don't waste your time with people that make you feel uncomfortable. Even if the guy was a real Dom, if his personality makes you feel uncomfortable, he's not going to be fun to play with.

Yea, I get that. There have been times I met someone and just knew it didn’t feel right for whatever reason. So I get what they are saying, instinct reads loud and clear (sometimes). As a savvy sub I feel can give it just a couple exchanges then I will have the full picture in no time.

However, I have made the mistake of throwing out prospective Doms too quickly because they came off peculiar or a certain way, or too picky or whatever, just to find later that they were very genuine and very cool, or, I was just inundated with mail.

Test #2: "You'd better call me Sir!" is the mating call of a HNG (Horny net guy) or control freak. Real Doms don't have to ask for titles, we earn them. Most real Doms will say things like "Please, call me Mike..."

Yes. Just silliness if they come off that way off the bat. I mean sheesh, overcompensating for sure. However if I am in the presence of a Master who obviously has been around awhile and really has it “going on” I will refer to him as Sir just out of respect to his chosen lifestyle. But such a man would never demand it off the bat, true.

Test #3: "I want you to take my collar before you play with me." This is another common demand of fakes, most often made by control freaks. They have to isolate you from other people and their advice, and sometimes a little ole "cyber-collar" is just the thing! Cyber-collars are worth less than the leather required to make one.

Hm, yes. “Before you play with me” being the key words I guess. (Under consideration seems kind of silly to me as well. And a lot of Doms use that to keep a Sub from exploring, even tho they have no intention of every keeping them). But while we are on the subject of different types of collars and all, just what is collaring about? And who says it’s about just that? The subject of collars can seem a bit contrived pretty quickly in my opinion. Each one seems protocol based as well, that may be my main problem with it. The different ones have different meanings. (Too long to explain…but “temp, training, and slave” etc). Temporary collars give you that owned feeling during a scene and I’ve worn them. But it was a technicality. If you have gotten that far with me (to play) you are already a very trusted friend and I do feel completely yours at the moment anyway. But hey, why not, sure.

But being Collared/Owned is really a natural progression of how one feels. It’s something that happens whether you wear a collar or not. It becomes bigger than the both of you, so it’s a natural “next step” to formalize your situation, I get it. But you don’t HAVE to wear a collar for that do you? I mean, either way you are his right? You will know it when you feel it. It just…. Is.

I guess the whole subject of collars in general, some lifestylers having all these “rules” about them, kind of bugs me. They have to realize not everybody is into mainstream traditions like they are (in fact some see it as silly), and sorry but things HAVE changed since way back when (Janus etc). Its called change and guess what? It happens so no use getting too upset about it.  Shrug.

Just remember, there is an underlying theme that happens in groups. That is why I have always felt that belonging to a group is somewhat weak (oh shit, hate mail for sure on that one). Don’t get me wrong, comradity has its’ place, and support is cool, but marching to your own drum can be quite rewarding. Bottom line, if you have to be heavily involved in a group to feel worth, well… I don’t buy it. And all the assless leather chaps in the world won’t change who you transform to after the public scene. The whimp who was picked on in school his whole life, now turns into the Master of the unuiverse at night as an adult, he finally fits in and has a place! Not all mind you, there are a lot of BDSM community people who are very cool! Live and let live. But there are some who are rather judgey. And in some groups the drama sometimes shows it’s ugly head now and then. No thanks.

So sometimes outsiders are judged harshly by the “real” BDSM community who wrote the book, ALL KNOWING RULES OF BDSM (I think the original version was written in Klingon btw). These are the same people who don’t let you into their “click”, and judge others because they don’t fit perfectly into the realm of the ALL KNOWING RULES OF BDSM book. Guess what? Some people have their own rules. Tolerance people! Look it up.

Test #4: If you get an Instant Message that says something like "On your knees you [slave, slut, bitch, whore, etc.]" This person is an HNG. Use some common sense here. Why waste time with somebody that's not even polite? There's a time and a place for these endearing terms, and it isn't online!

Ok, GREAT point! Really. But why did they have to ruin it by throwing in that online bit (at the end) ? So… two parter.

Yes, a total sign of an idiot, commanding you to do things before they even know you. A HUGE mistake for anyone to make especially if they come across a seasoned submissive, they will be quite fucked for sure. Same idiots who refer to me as “whore” in the first email. They are LUCKY they have a computer between us for sure. There is a time and place for those terms (if that is something you both enjoy) but it’s not when someone first connects online OR in person. If online, I usually block them immediately after chastising, letting them know they are morons.

However the second part of this question, tisk tisk. “There's a time and a place for these endearing terms, and it isn't online!” Contraire. There they go, judging the way others do things. Online is not ideal, but I’ve done it and I have to say it can be quite powerful. I have actually gone into subspace while being dom’d online, feeling my “cuntness” (not to be confused with my cunt, well okay that too!) complete with my hearing coming in and out, my heart beating out of my chest, dry mouth. If that connection is established, even online, it can be every bit as intense. Don’t knock it because you don’t understand it and it’s not in the book ALL KNOWING RULES OF BDSM. Don’t get me wrong, I would MUCH rather feel someone grabbing my hair etc in person. But I always had a great imagination as a kid. And I’m not above it.

Test #5: "I don't have to answer that question!" or "It's not proper etiquette for you to ask a Master that." These are examples of some the dangerous lies that control freaks and snerts use. This is the Acid test I personally think is the most important! A Dom had better be ready to at least try and answer every question you have, and honestly at that! It's literally your ass that's on the line! Never forget that.

Yep, very true. For the most part, a good Top/Dom will answer general questions. On the other hand what we should have learned by now is it’s not all Black and White, is it? There are some questions that answered, can take away from THE EXPERIENCE. A combination of trust, yet a little good healthy fear of the unknown is essential for a good Top/Dom/Sub experience

Test #6: "It's my way or the highway!" or words to that effect, are the mating cry of the common control freak. Doms can have limits too, but it's your limits that count FIRST. Don't let any would-be "Dom" tell you differently. Don't let any of the wannabe subs tell you differently either. Where Male Dom/fem sub play is concerned, it's always lady's choice!

We are talking about Doms here right? Oh good, for a second I thought we were talking about Sesame Street! You say “Control freak” as if it’s a bad thing. For the most part, (and some may disagree) Doms have this cute little thing they do, they are Dominant. And for the most part (there are always exceptions) it IS their way or the fucking highway! Natural Alphas. They pretty much know what they want. You can try to gently sway but you really can’t change them. Ever try to top from the bottom? How far did that get you? With some Doms it will lead you right out the front door.

As Subs we don’t want to be in control! We want someone else to be in control, remember? And there is a big difference between abuse and control. Know the difference. Control freaks have their place in some relationships, micromanagement has a place, its all based on the dynamic between the two people, not one fits all here. Some of us love a control freak. NEED IT.

To not be in control, to serve, to be a good girl for him, to please, in HIS way that HE likes. Giving up complete control can be a wonderful thing.

Test #7: Don't bother with online collars. Don't make decisions about a prospective partner based on his online play style. It's a very simple test if you think about it: Would a real-life Dominant waste much time on cyber sex and cyber domination? Please take my word for it; The answer is no. Forget it, once you've done the real thing, cyber is just too damn dull.

I would never talk for others like this. Oh but I forgot, these are ideas of the ALL KNOWING. You cannot judge every situation out there. Certainly there are some (most) Doms that want real time, and I get that for sure. However, online play can be very real. If you don’t think so, go ask the submissive who is pushed to go out in front of her neighbors to get the paper half naked, or is asked to go to the grocery store with the task to masturbate in front of a man in the car next to yours. And a thousand other scenarios/kinks/fetishes. I’m not big on it, but who the fuck am I to say it’s not for others?  That is the writer’s opinion.

Test #8: Ask your prospect if he's ever made any mistakes during a scene. If he says "no," run for your life! If he says, "very rarely," at least be suspicious. Everyone makes mistakes, even if they are experienced and skilled. Sometimes submissives have limits they don't even know about, and even the most careful and skilled Dom in the world will trip over these occasionally. Remember, according to our good friends of the Christian faith, the last perfect guy to walk this planet got nailed to a tree for his trouble. So expect competence, but not miracles.

Agreed. I have to say that having “expert” checked on everything is such a turnoff. Even if they are, (in a perfect world) they should have the confidence to not have to check mark it. Just my opinion, some may disagree though. And that’s ok.

Test #9: "I'm a [bank president, captain of industry, combat photographer, self-made millionaire... yadda yadda yadda.]" Wouldn't it be nice to meet a rich Dom too? Sure it would! But use some common sense. How many captains of industry have hours to spend in an AOL chat room? Also, think about this personality profile; If this super successful, always-in-control person is really into BDSM, he's likely a submissive! Worse yet, it could very likely mean he is a control freak. I have met a lot of submissives that fit this ambitious profile, but not one Dom yet!

Ohhhhh myyyy gawdddd. Are you kidding me? Really? REALLY? Ok, there are no successful Doms (that go online). I see now. I’m sure there are plenty reading this now that will spit their coffee right onto their laptop. Why? Ohhh, because it says so in the book!

What the fuck? I’ve spoken to plenty of true Doms who are very successful due to their natural Dominant, self assured roles. Bank presidents, Judges, writers, HUGE sucessful men. Yes, there are men as well who are sick of being outwardly in control so they choose sexually to be submissive behind closed doors. But to generalize for every situation is just idiotic! Who the fuck wrote this again? Oh yea, the ALL KNOWING.

Test #10: "I'm 33 years old, and I've been a Master for 15 years." Gimme a break! What are the odds? When you ask about a Dom's level of experience (and it's a good idea to do so) remember to do the math as well. 18-year-old boys don't care about the intricacies of BDSM; they want to get laid. Trust me on this one Ladies, I was an 18-year-old boy once! I personally believe that people do become what they are (be it gay, straight, Dom or sub) very early in life, but it takes maturity and training to be a Master.

Ha! Yes. I do hate that. But come on, isn’t that common sense? Most Subs see right through that right? If they don’t, they deserve what they get and need to learn it the hard way I guess (harsh, I know).

But there are exceptions, some kids have been raised around the lifestyle don’t forget, and are quite savvy/comfortable/versed having slaves in the house etc.

Test #11: Ask for references! Especially if he claims to be "very experienced." Talk to the references on the phone. Lots of HNGs have female screen-names set up to act as "references" for them! I notice that a lot of newbies seem to have trouble with this concept. Which is understandable since in the vanilla world it's considered rude to talk to a guy's ex-girlfriend. However, in the BDSM scene it's the opposite; experienced Dominants should accept and accommodate this kind of request gladly.

Yes, its hard to ask for such because some of us are naturally Submissive and have a hard time being forthright. I don’t. But especially if someone is in the scene its pretty easy to get their reputation from others in it.

Test #12: "I have three real-life collared slaves right now, but you can't talk to them." OK, when you consider the ratio and all, this sounds possible. What makes this an acid test failed (and failed miserably at that) is the last part. I have met couples (and even triads) that really were looking for an extra person to add to the mix. This is not uncommon at all in the scene. But these couples were looking together. If a "Dom" has anyone already collared to them, you probably ought to talk to her first!

Can’t agree or disagree. I have met real time Masters who feel the drama can escalate out of control when the subs get together, so they have forbidden it. And they are not fly by night Doms, but real Masters who have been doing this with integrity for 30 plus years. So it takes all kinds, and not every rule fits ever one situation.

Test #13: "I don't need safewords." Well of course he doesn't! If he said this he's likely a snert and therefore he's never really been in a scene! Of course he might be a predator too, and then he wouldn't need safewords either. Need I say more?

Yes, we need to say more. Obviously if someone has inner anger issues then you shouldn’t be playing with them in the first place. I think one can tell pretty quickly if that is the case by the tell tale signs, but no safe words are not one of those signs. In normal cases, and you may not agree… are you sitting down? Hold on to your seat… here it comes…ready??? Safewords are a WEAKNESS and UNNECESSARY in a true Dom/Sub connection.

Yep, I JUST said that.

I have never needed a safeword, and Doms that I have been with didn’t need one either. Trust is key. A good top will KNOW when you are ready to take on more. Ever hear of PUSH? It’s what most Submissives LIVE FOR (and you fucking know it) His default will be to try to gently push you out of your comfort zone. Safewords fuck everything up in regards to normal BDSM relationships. With a good Top/Dom you will NOT NEED a safeword! I guess if you want to have one in place its not a bad thing, but if you truly trust him (which you should before putting yourself in that position) it’s his job to bring your mind around to meet the act for which he desires to give you, if you are not in that headspace, yet trust him, trust that you will be when you come out the other side unscathed. And afterward bathe in the satisfaction that your limits were just heightened and you are not worse for the wear. But you HAVE to have trust to do this. Trust. Learn it, Live it, Love it. Trust… Don’t play unless you have it.

Test #14: "My slaves trust me to set their limits for them." If you hear a "Dom" say this it's most likely because these slaves only exist in his mind. Or worse still, his "slave" is simply the victim of spousal abuse. Even so-called TPE (Total Power Exchange) and other sorts of 24/7 (i.e. full time) BDSM relationships should involve careful and thorough negotiation.

See Test # 13. I’m no expert and I can’t say Ive written the ALL KNOWING RULES OF BDSM,  but see above on this.

Test #15: "I'm married, my wife can't know about us" If I have to explain this one to you, you've got problems. I have played with many married submissives in my time, but only with the express permission (and more often than not, participation) of their husbands. Safe BDSM requires complete honesty. You can't build a good scene on lies. There are plenty of people that will be willing to tell you differently; but please note, they will all turn out to be adulterers (and hence, liars) themselves.

You can’t build a good scene on lies… bullshit. Call me a liar then. I don’t give a fuck. It’s too Black and White of a statement. I’ve seen married Doms. I know that marriages are not always perfect. I’m not their mother. I know that men can love their wives immensely, and still possess this Dom side of them that needs to burst out. I know we have one life on this earth, and to live it solely for someone else is just a tragedy. I know that a side “thing” can sometimes help two married people stay together, especially if there is no sex involved between the two married, and the husband has a good handle on perspective. I know that some men have this part of them, this need, but their straight wives would be hurt if they knew. And the biggest thing I know, the bottom line, I DON’T FUCKING JUDGE OTHERS.

Test #16: Insert your own Acid Test here: You will learn much from your mistakes and missteps. If you form an online contact with a "Dom" that falls through, analyze why it fell through. Don't make the same mistakes twice if you can help it.

Yep. Common sense and instinct. Listen to it and learn from your past. Duh!

Sometimes it hurts too much to care about others. Being a humanitarian, its like being an animal lover. You see the pain and struggles in others and it just overwhelms you. Or you feel close to others, and care... and it overwhelms you. This lifestlye can be so sad at times.

Dear Santa,

People say you are not real, but I believe you are. I believe if more people believed in Santa the world would be a much less chaotic place.

I am writing to ask you a heartfelt request. I know you are all about presents and material things, but my request is not about that. Its about words and emotions. Feelings.

My wish this holiday is for change. I want to be the happy go lucky girl I once was. I want to see the beauty and lovliness in all that surrounds me. I want to be content, even when my life isn't perfect. I don't want to cry unless it's happy tears, I want to not feel so deeply.
 
I want my sexuality to be fulfilled and not be a part of me that runs my way, lights my path.

I want to see my parents grow old and be more helpful to them as they need. I want to give more time to my family, my friends, my husband. I want to get things done. Take care of business better for those around me, and not just waste away on my laptop while the world spins.

Sometimes I feel lost. I want to be found.

Sometimes I feel so empty even tho I have people in my life who care. I want to see the positive things in my life.

Its never enough to fill the void in my heart. I have no idea what can fill it. I just know there is sometimes a hole.

Writing this letter has helped.

Thank you for listening.

___________________________

Dear GingerMinge,

>>>"I want to be more helpful to those around me....."

Make money in shorter time and leave more time for living.
Don't waste your money on stuff which you didn't need which causes you to need to work longer.

Santa has spent years here and there not working and not claiming benefits because he grabbed what he could when he could and tried not to waste it.

>>>"I want to see the beauty and lovliness in all that surrounds me."

Somehow I always find it is more significant if I share a sight with Mrs. Claus. A beautiful sunset is just not that interesting when you are the only one there.

From my sleigh, I looked down on the tiny burning torches at the tops of oil wells in the northern deserts of Iraq around Tikrit this August.  I saw the surreal changeable coast line of Southern Iran and the mountains of Pakistan and India.

Six months before I looked down on the small mountain villages of Afghanistan and many sites we only normally see on TV.
 
I saw so many sites in just a couple of years but it always felt like a waste of time.

You have the most important thing to take in all that is beautiful in California.

You have your knight in shining armour.

Few on this site can say that.

Most who do are sadly deluded.

So I don''t think Santa needs to do anything really.

>>>"I want to be the happy go lucky girl I once was"

Sometimes you will be.

>>>"not just waste away on my laptop while the world spins."

Santa knows that feeling.  Santa could give you a computer virus.  That might help.

>>>"Its never enough to fill the void in my heart. I have no idea what can fill it. I just know there is a hole. "

You can't change what has happened. It's a hole in something that is no more.

You came out the other side.

So many people don't emerge from their bad times.

A friend of Santa's once said he was glad he spent a few years in prison when he was young because it taught him to value his freedom for the rest of his life.
 
His life seemed so much better than it would have seemed.

Maybe you can put that hole to some good purpose.  Maybe you already have by counselling others.

Santa always has an unorthodox solution...

You should start an escort agency and look after your girls better than other people looked after you.
Money spent with you will not then be spent with less caring and careful people.

Or at least write down some good advice and hand it to girls who are like you were.

Santa has some things he regrets.  He didn't know what he needed to know when he needed to know it.

He wants to make ammends by writing down what he knows and avoiding the same things happening to other people.

The last thing Mrs. Claus said the first time she left him was that he needed to write it all down and publish it on the net or something.

It's a very different story but maybe a similar solution.

Put the past behind you.  I know it sounds ignorant of me but put it behind you.

There is more tragedy coming your way.  You need to clear the decks for when that happens.
 
Your parents and other close people will die.  It's natural and it is a big trauma.

You need the misery of the past to be as small as possible so you have got room for the misery of the future.


>>>"I want my sexuality to be fulfilled and not be a part of me that runs my way, lights my path."

Santa knows very little about women's sexuality. He thought he had a handle on it before he came to this site.

Now he wants to throw his hands up and give up on the whole damned thing.

He only knows women are evolved for a world which no longer exists (thank goodness).

Santa is going to shut up because his advice would annoy anyone on this site.

If Santa could figure out what his login name is on plenty of fish or his password for facebook he might be out of here already.

You caught Santa on a bad day.

You've got a very special family who clearly must love you very much.

You've also still clearly have many friends.

To be honest Santa would be hard pressed to think of anything important to give you which you don't already have.

Of all the people Santa knows on this site, you are the luckiest girl even though you don't feel it.

Santa's grandfather once was in a battle were 50,000 people on his side died in an hour (probably it was mainly in 15 minutes).

Every time he made new friends they died and needed to be replaced with new friends.
He came through that and just made the most of what was left of his life.

Santa doesn't really know why you are still trapped in what has gone before because it never happened to Santa.

How did all those holocaust survivors get on.
 
I guess they just cried sometimes in ever less frequency for the rest of their lives.

You will have a happy Christmas this year.

It might be handy if Santa just packs in this site.

Regards

Santa

My friend wrote an obvious scammer. He enjoys misleading them by teaching them bad english. He wrote:

"You keep saying "hit me up" in your journal. The correct expression is "bang me up" or "knock me up". By the way is "hit me up" a real expression?

Regards.

My profile was accused of being somewhat negative. I guess that is because my heart really isn't in playing with new people at this time, so I come off a little hard without meaning to. And because the plethora of cock shots that are sent have made me see so many of you as foolish (not all, just some so no hate mail please), not to mention my hubby having to see those too, just about blinds him everytime :)