Before I found D/s there wasn't anything good in my life. Having actual people give a shit and having an outlet changed my life. Now I'm fucked with nothing and I can honestly say I fucking loathe each and every one of you for being a part of what made me care enough for this to hurt. Because it turns out that everyone is the same self serving abusive shit I grew up with. Or they're like me, only there so others can jack their miniscule egos off by being horrible to us.

YES all that remains is a nasty hateful bitch who will tell you to go fuck yourself, why, because it's the only thing left that gives me any satisfaction at all.

DO NOT TRUST THE PEOPLE HERE, THEY WILL FUCK YOU OVER SO BADLY YOU END UP LOSING YOUR HOME TOO.

IF all you have is more fucking placations and some bullshit about how you'd help if you could, don't piss me off or hurt me by sending it, I will skim it and erase it immediately, and I will probably tell you to go fuck yourself.

I have clearly stated that there is zero interest in any kind of relationship, yet fat old men think that by being rude to me they will somehow get what they want instead of me calling them manipulative sacks of shit. Being nasty to someone who's already hurt makes you a less than human waste of skin and space, don't darken my inbox, you will be ignored, reported, yelled at and or blocked depending on my whim.

I'm very sorry for you, but I wouldn't get into a relationship with someone I find physically and mentally repugnant.

Having money and a house of your own is lovely. It doesn't make you sexually appealing. In fact, relying on your money to get you sex makes you nothing but a John looking for a whore no matter how you dress it up.

HARASSMENT EVEN ONLINE IS ILLEGAL, I HAVE TO DATE PUT FOUR OF YOU SACKS OF SHIT IN JAIL FOR IT (ONLINE HARASSMENT IS ILLEGAL AND VERY TRACKABLE), FUCKING TRY ME TODAY!!!!!!!!!!

I bet you're sitting at home or work on your own computer or phone because you're too stupid to know that if you're going to commit a crime you should do it using someone else's gear and ID.

Guess what I'm doing, making copies of me telling you to leave me alone, repeatedly reporting you to get your accounts shut down and announcing to the site as a whole you and your extra aliases are an abusive harrasing piece of trash, keep it up, give me more to use against you, I'm in a DONT FUCK WITH ME mood today, give me an excuse.

I have nothing left to lose, don't push me or I will lash out without any fear of reprisals.

Sick psycho fucked joke of the day.

I am not kicked out today, but rather on Monday, because my family has need of a house sitter while they go on vacation for four days with everyone in the family. Nice of them to let me know. I just love being a prisoner at the whims of  these sick fucked people, but at least that's three whole days where I can sleep in the building that has heat and running water. I can do my laundry and dishes without being screamed at. It's not like having real hope, but there's a tiny bit of peace there. IDK about this account, probably should close it anyway, been holding out for one last word from a friend who's been really good to me (Thanks Kat) and admittedly hoping for a miracle that I know isn't coming.

It's a sick joke, but I knew something would come up at the last minute to salt the wounds a bit. After all I still have enough hope to have my account here open, so I must need some sort of demoralization and pain. I hate this game, it's like highschool when they did the same damn thing. If I don't agree with them then I'm nothing more than a housemaid to be fired.

I want to buy more time, but it just doesn't matter, a month from now I'd still be fucked.

I keep falling asleep. By now I should have closed this but I'm still enough of a fucking fool to be praying something will save me even now. Maybe one more nap before I have to go and finish this.

It's that day. Technically I know I have more hours, I could even lie and try to buy more time in this psycho fucked place, but why? It would just be more of the same.

It's that day. The day I lose everything, and there's really nothing coming, no last minute reprieve. I knew that, but it's still shocking and painful.

There is nowhere.

OK, so I guess I'll finish my movie and when it's done close this account. I want to give myself that much more time, even if I know I'm utterly fucked in the morning in the worst possible way.

So whatever there is left to say, say it now because this is my goodbye note to the site and all. Thanks for the free therapy, I'd probably literally have started screaming or lost my mind or something by now if I couldn't rant and pretend that there might have been a chance at least in the back of my head.

Awww, so very sorry for all those people who would just love to find a way to guilt or bully me into nonconsensual relationships so they can 'save me.'

Oh... Wait, no... how about go fuck yourselves instead!

Weakness and hardship are not the same as stupidity and a willingness to do things you find repugnant.

Please, just let me wake up from this nightmare and find myself home and safe anywhere as long as the cat and I are ok. I know praying for the impossible doesn't help, but there's nothing else left. I worked too hard and gave up too much for it to come to nothing. It's stupid to say it, but it isn't fair or right.

I want to scream. I was supposed to be safe tomorrow, now I'm fucked out of a place to live. Please gods, when do I get any hope? Technically in two and a half hours it's tomorrow. I should be packing. I can't even think. I'm panicked enough that I'd almost take one of the offers to be a whore, just so I know the kitty and I will be safe. I won't but I'm almost that broken.

I'm trying very very hard to just breathe and not think of anything. It's not working. I'd be furiously wishing if I had any hope left. I do not. All I can do is cry and wish the clock to be the slowest it has ever been tonight.

Oh boy, another long winded sack of shit trying to tell me everything I've ever been through was all my fault and I deserved it. Shitsacks like you tell girls they only got raped because they were asking for it. Fuck you. Your opinion means less than shit. I'm sorry your dick and ego are so miniscule you have to be nasty to other people to feel like a real man, you're not. You never will be little boy, because you can't.

You wouldn't begin to understand how much I don't want to hear your well wishes right now, nor your placations and shit. I get that no one is going to rescue me, I didn't ask to be rescued. I'm completely screwed literally counting the hours until I have to walk out the door with nothing and you seriously think I give a fuck if you think I'm hot or you wanted to say you're sorry life sucks?

You bet your ass I'm venting. You would too if you hurt half this much.

HAH you want to know my story, I doubt it.

It's a simple story. I build something and the universe knocks it down like bullys on the beach with a sandcastle.

SOunds like an exaggeration, but it's an accurate enough metaphor.

It's not that other things don't go wrong. I make bad choices, but I fix them or apologize or whatever is needed. The big events have always been different. Flood, fire, hurricane, illness, death.

When I was a kid I tested into the best college prep school in the country, private school, full ride scholarship, best score in the region. Then my mother got in a fight with my Jr High principal and threatened him with a baseball bat. That paperwork got 'lost'. I didn't even know why for years.

My first business tanked because of the sudden onset of depression and seriously fucked up behavior of my previously totally reliable business partner.

My second business was destroyed by my exhusband who was a junkie (steroids and coke) and quite frankly evil as far as I understand the definition of the word. (And yes, there would be room to argue that I married him willingly, but the truth is I didn't. I married him only due to extreme coercion and outright blackmail and threats of a very serious nature against people I love)

My life is a series of random fuckery and things that honestly make me feel like I must be losing my mind. No one rolls sixes all the time, but if you roll enough dice you have to get one sometime... don't you?

If you send me a message and get exactly what this profile says, which is not much, no interest in you or in people who supposedly give a shit about random strangers, too fucking bad get over yourself. Sending a reply stating that I may have things your way or I can go starve and die only makes you a nasty sack of shit and a manipulative user to boot. It won't make me like you, it will make me report you, ream you a new asshole for my amusement and then proceed to block you and not read anything you send even if you think you are cunning in opening a second profile. You're not, you're just willing to go the extra mile to be a complete fuckwad.

You wonder why you can't find a good person, someone who actually cares about people and does what they can. I'll tell you why. Because everyone who does things like that gets fucked over. And then they get told it's their fault by more assholes who just want someone to bully to bolster their miniscule egos.

SO I got a huge screaming rant today from the asshole Non-Dom who ditched me. I didn't even read it. I'm losing my home because of that sack of shit. The part I did skim implied I was a bad person for expecting someone to be there for me at all when I clearly stated that I needed that. SO once again, clearly communicating my situation and my needs makes me a sack of shit and expecting someone who claims to care to actually do something like talk to you makes you a bad person now. I didn't get that memo. If you get involved with me, you already know how fucked up the situation is, why in fuck would you help make it worse and then claim you're the good guy?

When you KNOW that if I say I'm leaving it's going to cause a huge rift and mean that I have nowhere to stay, don't fucking ask me to leave if you can't fucking talk to me and then show up. Fuck you.

I don't want my world to fall apart. I know crying won't help, but that's all there is. Me screaming and alone and broken.

haha, another sick joke, one person with an idea that wasn't half bad and then I realized, oh yeah, not half bad if I had somewhere to stay and could count on meals and clothing I need, but that's not at all the case. I suck at this, I have no clue how to be worthless and have nothing. Thinking hurts, every bit of hope is just one more slap waiting to happen.

God, make me a stone.

I want to be dead, not to die, that's more pain, not to kill myself, I tried that once and failed at it too. I simply want to cease all existance. I hurt too much to care for anything and I have to find a way to take care of the cat. Honestly I'm half a step from throwing away what's left of me and taking one of the numerous offers to be someone's whore. I don't know if I can keep giving enough of a shit to care that I find the idea repulsive. I'd survive a damn sight better than any other option I have which are none.

I want to cry again. I want there to be one pair of arms left somewhere where I could find comfort and something like hope.

and still it continues, the old game of carrot and baseball bat. You never get the carrot, but when you're desperate enough you still reach for it like a fool.

It hurts a little more every second. All I have left is trying not to think about how much hope I've lost and what I still have to lose in a day.

IDK who you are or what you want from me, but I don't have it. Don't even ask, there is nothing left to give up except that which I would die before I let go of.

Stop insulting me by thinking you have any clue how I feel or what I'm going through, you don't. Experience is not comparable on an emotional level.

I don't even want the carrot anymore, so why does it still hurt so very much.

Hah, ok so maybe I'm being bitter and jaded (I think I've earned a little of it) but I kinda get it. When I was available, and I had my life together, and everything was working out swimmingly and I was happy, I was single and there was no one interested, now that it's fallen apart, suddenly there's an opening? Hmm, that smells a little like preying on weakness and I'm not about it.

I really have been over this too much, but let me say it one more time. Get some sense of priorities people. You don't seek out a relationship to save you. It never works, fairytale bullshit. You get into a relationship because you have your life together and there's space and time to involve another person. If you're psychologically healthy, you seek that in addition to being a complete person with your own life and lots to offer.

Maybe that's not how people do it, but I do. I'm not seeking a rescue from anyone. My mess is mine. Yes I talk openly about what's going on, always have. Closing this profile because it's a dating site and dating is my last concern. Where to live next week is more important than whether I think you're cute enough to be doable.

Mostly I'm not actually reading most of what gets sent. Good, bad or ugly, I lack the give a crap for it today and it's mostly being erased if IDK you or really for any reason at all. Sorry, just not up for cheerleaders and opinions from everyone and their dog who I've never met and who know nothing at all about me.

There is no hope here, keep yours, it just annoys me to hear everyone say things will be fine. Theyre already way way beyond not fine.

What do you expect from me, every good thing I've ever done led to me getting screwed over. I have nothing left for me and nothing at all for you.

Please stop sending me messages that say you've read my profile and journal when clearly you did neither. Pretty please!

Dear... every one of you assholes who doesn't know me from a hole in the wall but is full of assumptions and demands,

You do not know me, you don't know my situation. You don't know my fucked up psycho abusive family, or my very well connected exhusband the junkie murderer. You know nothing about the homeless shelters I've worked with or the people I personally took off the streets and gave places to. You know nothing of the animals I rescued or my bond with my only remaining pet. You don't know how many families I've fed, the people I've helped, and I guarantee not one of you who reads this has ever been in a position where they found out exactly what it costs to save a human life. If you did, you might be inclined to give me the courtesy of taking all that nasty 'you deserve whatever's happening to you because you don't like me' bullshit and leave it in someone else's inbox. If you knew anything about the person I've been, before this, before I had nothing left to give you, before I lost every shred of faith or hope I had, you would think very differently of me.

All that's left here is pain and anger and bile. There was more once, but that's all I have left.

I STILL wouldn't take it back, I'd still make every choice the same... even if I knew it would end here. It was the right thing to do. It's just that everyone thinks doing the right thing means being rewarded, and that's not how it goes.

Loving is supposed to be what saves us, not what takes everything we have and destroys us so completely we are without hope.

over the last six years I've spent alot of time telling myself that if I keep my chin up, if I don't let the little stuff get me down, if I have a little faith, and work really hard all the time, if I'm good to the people I love... it gets better.

I don't believe it anymore. You do not reap what you sew, others merely take it from you.

There is only hell and its various levels, being a good person, caring, working hard, these are just ways to be taken advantage of, and that's all anyone wants, to take.

The harder I tried, the worse it got. Now I'm kicked out and abandoned. Not just the house, my family wants me gone. Go ahead send your nasty notes. Bullying doesn't help you or shame me. People will kick you out as fast for refusing to do bad things as they will for good ones. Thought when I moved out at 17 I'd gotten away from this insanity, or that fifteen years would have calmed the levels of abuse down to manageable. No luck there.

I want to die, but I can't bring myself to do it, partly because I'm gutless and partly because I made a promise I don't intend to break even if I want to be selfish and let go.

I want to pout or throw a tantrum like a kid and say it's not fair, but that would be pointless.

I gave up my life, and everything I had for someone, and ended up stuck back home with my abusive family and too far from civillization to even get a job. Life sucks, and sometimes good deeds really do get you punished. I kept my chin up, and kept believing there was going to be something. Some way out, a job or an internship, or a friend who needed a hand for a while. Something had to happen. I moved away from my sick fucked psycho family when I was 17, so of course there's no way I'd end up stuck with them dumping on me every day in my 30s... right? Or, not for long... right? Surely doing so many favors for people and always trying to be decent counted somewhere and there was no way this could get worse.

WHat a stupid thing to think. Three months of dealing with the daily harangue, nasty psychological abuse and crap, because there's nowhere else for me to take my cat and live if I can't get a job. See the catch 22. I get to be a captive audience and personal whipping boy all over after years of getting over what I went through as a kid.

Thought I'd found a way out. Someone who could come save me and help me back on my feet. Because there's always something to hold on to, some hope or whatever. Right? That's how it works, you go through hell and then it gets better.

It didn't get better. I told my folks I'd found a job. So they threw a fit and told me I was shit and that the job better work because I'm not welcome at their house ever again. No, there was no reason for the fit, just an excuse to find more fault with me, nothing is ever correct in their eyes if I do it.

So, I was supposed to leave in a day or two, then suddenly and with no reason at all... poof, disappeared, can't get in contact with the person at all. Of course my parents still want me out the day after tomorrow. Lots of fun threats and shit with that.

I don't know what I did to deserve it, but clearly I'm supposed to lose everything I have left, even the roof over my head and the ability to feed the cat. They've done this before, and taken it back, but this is different and worse than last time.

I try so hard, but I can't keep my head up today. It's too much for me to deal with and I don't have anywhere to go. Maybe they'll take it back again, though being here is like being in my personal hell, there is food for me and the cat and a roof even if there's no heat or running water where I stay.

I used to be a real person with a life and a job, people I cared about. I know what happened, but it still feels so surreal and wrong. I keep trying to hold my breath for one miracle left, but I checked my pockets and I spent them all.

I have so little left I can't imagine losing it and I still have to find a way to deal with the fact that I can't carry it with me.
What the hell am I supposed to do with no hope of anything better than having to break laws to feed my pet and sleep?

I certainly don't know anyone I can trust or ask for help. Believing that someone cared was how I got here, and I'm not that stupid. Fire hot, people suck. IDK what to do. Nothing left to lose except the cat and that will happen over my rotting corpse. He's the only good, loyal, caring or comforting thing in my life and I'd kill for him.

LOL, well at least I can keep myself busy for the time being.

Apparently my life IS meant to be a cosmic joke and suddenly someone has had a change of heart, again, it's a game, it always is, but it's one that buys me time, so this is slightly less craptacular than I was a few hours ago.

Meanwhile back at the farm, or rather here online I am pleased to announce that by making my profile public again before I close it down, I have apparently become a fake. Of course I'd have to give a shit about the opinions of people who think I should fall to my knees over a one sentence offer to be their personal slut, but hey, who's counting. Can I just say for the record, the mood I'm in right now, absolutely everyone can just go fuck themselves.

Ever feel like your life is a game and you're not winning? That's how I feel today. I think I may just close down the rest of my accounts anyway, even though now I guess (for the moment, or so it seems) I don't have to. I am just not about it right now. I've always been there for the people I care about and I am so sick of this fucked up drama and shit being the best life has to offer. One minute there's hope of something good, then if anything goes wrong, I'm just some bitch, even when everyone knows how screwy and precarious my bullshit life is right now. Nobody is there for me when I need them (unless we're counting the ones with the one sentence demands, and that's not so much 'being there' as it is 'being rude'), and I don't mean sympathetic strangers, I mean no one who should be there. The people who I've done the most to help and care for always find the best ways to fuck me over in the end, and what I'm learning is that absolutely no one is worth bothering to get to know or trust because when things don't go their way they will screw you over or just ditch you. Total count on 'people who are there for me when shit hits the fan,' 0. Thus the hearty go fuck yourselves to the world.

To the kind strangers with their lovely placations, thanks anyway, please keep them, I'm not in the mood. In fact having complete strangers care more than people who's kids I've fed or who's bill's I've payed actually makes me more upset, not less, so really, put a cork in it. Pity from strangers does nothing to aleviate stress caused by your so called friends and family being such utter shitheads. I either need better people in my life or none, at least the latter is easy enough to achieve.

>:P:.

So it turns out once again that life is nothing more than a sick joke. I actually met someone I thought I liked enough to go with and try something different. Then at the last minute my loving family decides that right now is the time I have to leave and go take a job, or I can not take the job and get kicked out (my choice) either way, no more computer, no more choices, no more chances. I feel so very cared for right now. (As if lol) I knew it would happen, and I knew I'd never get a real chance to be happy as long as I was here, but this feels like a sicker joke than usual. He just blames me and says I am 'choosing to back out', so hey, even if they change their minds I'm screwed.

It's ok, with my luck it would just have turned out to be another bad choice anyway. Sometimes I think I really get why people give up. I give up to be sure. I have no fight left. I have no options left. Losing the computer means I can't even contact the outside world anymore. Kinda hard to get enthusiastic about getting out of bed ever again with a life like mine... anyone want to trade?

So yesterdays rant (at me, not from me) was all about me losing weight. Stupid question, but, if I'm not doing anything, and I'm not eating much because doing nothing takes very little effort, why would I be gaining weight? I mean c'mon, really? Doing nothing is alot of sitting and alot of pacing and some walking, but there's not much to it. There are options other than overeating and being a completely lazy slob y'know? Sorry, I'm irked. Losing a few pounds is something most women my age would kill for, and the fact I do it easily shouldn't be held against me. I'm sure winter holiday junk food will suffice to fix that soon enough anyway. I hate the fact that my family can make me feel bad for losing weight as easily as they make me feel bad for gaining it. I actually have a nice body most of the time and this upsets me greatly.

What if I did say yes?

What would I learn and what would I lose?

I have to wonder about all of this. I have to wonder whether it could work or whether it's already doomed. I have to wonder about letting go, and whether I could. Whether I should? What would I do if I didn't get to decide what I do?

... I like biting, biting is like kissing, except there's a winner.

                          -From Dr. Who 2005,

                               Season 6, Episode 4

Of course I'd rather be bitten, as long as it's done right.

I couldn't help chuckling. I don't think I've quite seen all the episodes, I keep catching one or two I missed every season. Perhaps I didn't pay enough attention. Still, it's delightful to catch the unexpected bits. It's a quirky show.

Places have their own smells and flavors. I can't imagine only being one place for the rest of my life when there is so much out there I haven't seen.

Traveling is something I always loved, and I've done it in fits and starts for years.

When I was very young, eighteen, I sold magazines for a while just to see part of the country. It wasn't hard work and I got to walk around and talk to people and really get a feel for what places were like.

I met a woman who was a hundred and eight years old, she cussed like a sailor and giggled alot. I really liked her. She told me life is all about seeing things and if you want to live forever, eat, drink, laugh and fuck. I suppose that's always stuck with me.

I discovered years ago that there are a few rules to traveling:

Always let a trucker buy you a meal if he offers (in a not-creepy way, bad eggs and all that) Usually you learn something worth knowing.

Check craigslist rant and rave section if you want to know what the biggest problems in a city's pollitical climate are and guage how smart/literate the people are. It works.

Always carry ziplock bags, extra hairties, a gas can, water, toilet paper, a lighter and a flashlight. Bungee cords never hurt unless you let go at the wrong time.

If you see a sign that says Canada, you've probably gone too far.

Never leave your laundry anywhere.

Take six things you don't need so you always have something handy to throw out, give away or use up, not sure why this seems to work, but it does.

Ask lots of stupid questions and learn the local language wherever you go.

Make a plan. Check it over. Have someone doublecheck and poke holes. Adjust accordingly. Give it a final approval and once over. Then throw out the plan and go.

Learn to read maps instead of making plans, and learn to use a compass, just in case.

Do things just because they sound like a good idea, you may regret it but you'll probably regret it more if you never try anything.

When in doubt go Left or South.

And, of course, Eat, Drink, Laugh and Fuck.

LOL

OK, fair question, and I get it alot, mostly from pervs (the unwanted kind) who just want me to write them something pornographic, but I get the same question from other people too, so I'm going to wax philosophical and probably pornographic about what kind of sex I like.

A small preface, there's nothing wrong with regular old vanilla, let's just fuck, sex. I like it just fine and it can be fun too. Everything has it's place. And don't think for one second that the whole anal/oral fixations can overthrow nature. In this case, do the math, I'm female and 31, so sexual peak. You bet I like regular sex, there's a wholly genetic component to that. I'm fairly in tune with my body, so I didn't have to think very hard about where those urges were coming from.

Mostly though, people ask about the fetishy fixations I have. They aren't exactly fetishes by the classic definition, as I said, I like regular sex just fine so it's not as if I couldn't go without the other stuff... for a while. I have more than once and it didn't ruin my relationships. Still, fair question about what I like best. I can't pick one, so...

Things I fixate on-

Mens Hands. I love them. Can't help it. Some people look at your eyes or your ass, lips, hips, tits, dicks... whatever. I like hands. The rest matters of course, but the hands are a dealbreaker item on my list. Here's the thing, power is mostly theoretical, imaginary. Laws, rules, all of it is mostly a construct enforced by social contracts and conventions. That kind of power is wonderful and it makes the world go around, but real power built the world. The strength of your hands is what you can do, what you can hold, build, destroy and remake. Mens hands built the world, the pyramids, all of it. I'm not denegrating womens part in all of this, hell we gave birth to the whole thing, but that's not the point here. If you can't hold my wrists in your hand (I have very small wrists), if you can't pin me to the wall or the floor, if I'd win in a fair fight, you just don't have anything for me sexually. It's great if you can outsmart me, but on a completely primal level, you can't have me if you can't even catch me and hold me down.

Brains. Yes, I'm a little like a zombie in this aspect. I seek brains. Simply put, I can outthink most people. I'm not the smartest girl who ever lived nor am I without flaws and my own unique stupidity, but I'm very very smart. I need someone to keep up with me. If you're smarter, even better, though I don't meet many who are. This isn't just ego, it's a fact, I have more going on and I want that to be mutual or at least comprehensible. After all, how can you use me well if you don't even understand what I can do? I need the stimulation, and what's more I need someone not to just let me outthink them because I can. I want a partner who makes me more, not one who struggles to keep up.

Oral. Yes oral. I'm a massive fan of Giving head. I'm not much use for massages and not a huge fan of hand jobs beyond a little playful stroking (mild arthritis in the hands causes some weakness and makes it hard) but (jaw infections notwithstanding) I will happily suck cock all day, or until my jaw cramps. Some people do this for what they get in return, and don't get me wrong, I enjoy recieving (though I enjoy being fingered more, it's the whole 'hands' thing), but it doesn't always make me as wet as being on my knees and hearing the sound of a zipper coming down. It's a submission thing obviously. There is so much pleasure to give and it's so sexy to look up and see someone lost and completely enthralled. Rough or soft, deep or shallow, hands or no hands, this is one of the things I love to give. 

Anal. Ok, so this is a huge thing for me, and something I've never had as much of as I wanted. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a virgin or anything, just not as experienced here as I want to be. I've always loved everything about having my ass touched and played with. I've had a couple boyfriends who were into giving, and a couple who really liked spanking (and figging, look it up, it's worth it) but there's much much more to do and try. (I sort of study alternative sexual practices for fun so I know about alot more than I've been able to try) It's been such a rare thing in my life to have someone play with me or fuck my ass that it's become a serious point of interest. Obviously I wouldn't go there with someone who doesn't know what they're doing, so it hasn't always been an option because I also date in the vanilla world. The idea of giving that up completely (within hard limits of course) is a huge fixation. It's the most difficult to admit I like it and want it.

There's a wonderful element of challenge in finding the right someone to mesh with the ideals. Obviously it's not hard to find a Dom who's into anal, but just as obvious, I hope, is the fact that I'm damned picky. I like to think it's because I know the value of what I have to give. I'm not a small resource or a tiny bit of property to display in a collection. I have a habit of learning the little things, people simply don't worry about telling me things they don't normally share, and I notice details, how you take your coffee, whether or not you're ticklish, where the keys get set down when you lose them. I work well in many different circumstances, situations and capacities, I'm good with people no matter where they come from or what they do. I pick up skills and words from languages and integrate them without thinking. I read, write, sing, and do enough on my own to be occupied, and yet I won't ever leave you bored unless you prefer it that way. LOL, not the point, I think I answered the sex question adequately... ((snicker)) any questions?

Something funny and completely stolen that I read this week-

"That's like eating your cousin's pussy... it tastes the same, but it's just not right."

And for the record, I did something today I haven't done in a decade and probably won't do for another decade. I took (half) a pain pill (for the jaw infection). I forgot why I don't like these. It's like being mildly drunk in a way I find entirely unpleasant and it makes me feel like my joints are loose and weak.

Now back to your regularly scheduled programing. (Oh read the rest of the journal, it's better)

Everybody has their own way of doing things. Hard, soft, precise or sloppy, clean, filthy and whatever other ways we can find. It's not so different than the vanilla world, perhaps the rules are better defined, and I like to think we have a better time, but just the same, every relationship has it's own aspects and common ones.

There are just some things that I think should go without saying. If I'm your sub, do I make you chicken soup when you're sick? Of course I do, unless you're vegetarian, then it would just be mean (and a little bit funny). Do you make me chicken soup when I'm sick? Actually no, it's one of a handful of odd things I just won't eat, but you can make me scrambled eggs and a popsicle (Orange or Red) which is pretty much the same thing, just easier. Do I keep things tidy and help with small things like schedules, where you put your keys and getting your boots off? Again, I shouldn't have to say yes. Laundry? yes. In heels? If you like, I'm not a huge fan of stilletos. In nothing but heels? Sure, why not, but we'd have to have a serious talk about things like answering the door and relative levels of apparent normalcy and comfort. Plus there's alot of fun to be had with the right wardrobe choices. Do you have input on what I wear? Well... yeah if you want it, not everyone does and some are very specific. Do I have hard limits? You bet I do. I'm not a fan of needles or scat or animals (furries are ok, not really my thing but it looks like fun), I don't do broken bones or any sort of injury that requires first aid, so no burning, cutting etc. (Might bend slightly for certain types of fireplay or something very negotiated and planned out... maybe. I've learned anything can be different than you expected but it's close enough to count. IE, no broken bones, but what if someone wanted a nose job, I don't, but it's certainly body mod and broken bones and very structured and consensual and safe, so ... like I said, anything can change, but the hard rules are pretty hard). I also don't do electricity... it's ok, it's mutual, we just don't get along and bad things happen, so it's off my list. I'm getting off track again though, the point was mostly that some things should be a given. Monogamy and polygamy and std tests should all be something that come up in conversation up front. This is so sex 101, like asking anal, oral, vaginal. If the answers to any of the usual questions is unexpected, IE you don't like blowjobs or she won't wear handcuffs for some reason, then say something.

LOL I could go on a while about this, but I think I'll leave it at a few thoughts. I can't help but giggle, we get it... you want a sub who submits, has common fetishes and outlooks, appeals to you physically and who you can have sex with and love/use/abuse/lust after/guide/fill-in-the-blank... but what else do you want out of life?

Loving the roundtable via journals :)

The sexiest things men have ever said to me:

"Relax or this is going to hurt... more."

"Pick three toys you like and one you're afraid of."

And I hesitate to add the last one because I know how many emails it'll generate, but it was a damn good line.

'are you going to ask me out?'

"No, you are my girlfriend, and I'm making you my sub. Now pack your shit, you're moving in."

I'm so frustrated I don't even know how to start this rant.

Let me answer the question that's been asked... oh about four hundred times now... yes, if I met someone who was absolutely totally and completely perfect for me I would consider starting something. It's not going to happen folks. I'm not looking (once again, I'm here to talk to friends I already have). I put up the fun stuff because... where else am I going to put up stuff like that? Doesn't really matter, oddly enough I don't need Your approval on how I use a website (Unless you actually are the owner, in which case by all means, your input is always welcome).

Yes, I am extremely submissive, but no, that doesn't mean I need you to come rescue me and be my Daddy or Master just because I'm single. I'm not just going to settle, or pick someone and Make it happen because they have something I want. I'm not here looking for the kinky love of my life, nor am I looking for the one who can 'take care of me' until I find him. If you don't like what I have to say... don't read it, and please believe I do the same.

Yes, there is always a possibility that the only sort of person I'd even consider dating is floating around waiting to talk to me right here. I'm not holding my breath on that one guys. I do know what I'm looking for, and if I happen to see it I'll say something, but otherwise, let it go. You're not going to win the seduce-a-sub game with me.

LOL, if nothing else this site is good for expressing desires and saying things you wouldn't say in... other company. Around here it seems the dirtier or stranger it is the better.

Once in a great while I seem to get very hypersensitive. I imagine it's alot like people on drugs like ecstacy probably feel, wobbly around the edges and a little bit like I want to rub on the furniture like the cat. Sometimes, I get so horny I feel like my head is going to explode. (Thank you for not sending comments telling me to play with myself... duh) I think I've always been like this sometimes. I go through fits of it, but usually not when I'm alone lol. It does of course get noticeably more frequent, or did for me once I hit the late 20s, now I'm early 30s and... it hurts my brain. Kind of like a herd of pubescent teenage boys took over the hormones and decided to see just how far they could push me. (I think they're winning, snicker) I wish I wasn't sober, it might quiet the little voice of reason in the back of my head that pops off with lines like "Oh My, again... already... didn't we just do this ten minutes ago?" Not helping. Bless the internet and free porn.

Sigh, just thought I'd share that amusing tidbit.  

OK ok, back to the interesting stuff.

Somethng about the stronger side of submission maybe?

The thing is this, I don't Need anyone to guide me. Wanting is a different species. When you offer someone everything, what are you giving? I'd rather give more because there is more to myself, than try to be less, though that's an opinion. It isn't about taking the easy path, or it shouldn't be. If you give in so easily as that perhaps you should seek to learn what it is to lead. Been there, done that, but I digress.

When you give yourself you should be offering the best you have. It is about learning and letting go and trusting the right person. If all you need in life is a few rules, a vibrator and a leash, I'm pretty sure they have an app for that. No, seriously. You have to actually know what you want to seek out your own ideals. Or maybe that's just me?

Back to porn and whatnot soon.

Today a small aside brought to you by the Number 1 and the Letter Fuck-I-hate-jaw-infections-screw-genetics.

Yesterday I was distracted and sort of in a good mood, felt more like me than I have in a while. It would be better if everyday didn't end the same. Some guy telling me a) let him rescue me, b) make a friend so they can rescue me or c) something stupid and rude- IE 'go kill yourself whore' or 'bow down bitch I am your god' or whatever... don't these people know about CL rant&rave section? Can someone tell me if it's legal for me to keep copies of these gems and publish a whole book without paying these idiots? I had a beautiful piece by someone who had to have been high and retarded, something about humping crispy creme donuts and sea cows and btw did I want to have sex?

Stupid people and their terribly amusing antics aside, how much do you just not get it? I don't make friends just for what they can do for me, that's really kind of messed up guys. I'm not here to be your buddy so you can help me. I believe in fixing your own problems, I got this... not sure how, but I will do it myself. I get it, I do, everyone thinks that either they have to buy what they want or they should settle for almost nothing. Sorry, I just don't play into your stereotypes like that.  Last time I got stuck like this I was stuck for over two years and celebate for almost four. I did not run out and jump in bed with the first guy I thought was cute, nor with the first one who offered me something I wanted. I only date/submit/whatever title you use, when I actually like someone and think they're worth it. I only date people who are truly unique and amazing, and not in the 'everyone's a snowflake' kind of way. When I pick someone, it's not because they have one thing I consider good or desirable, it's because they're much more than that. Not seeking perfection, but balance is good. You clean up your life first... then you date when you have something to bring to the table other than sexual compatibility. That part you sort of need to have anyway, or am I the only one who noticed that it works best when everyone is happy like that?

I'm not ordinary, and I don't just mean the kinks. I may not be happy about where I ended up stuck, I may be here a very long time figuring out where I go next, but eventually I will. Meantime I'm not going to lay blame or deny my part, I wouldn't actually change a thing about any choice I've ever made in my life. These are the things that make me who I am.

There aren't that many kinds of people in the world. Most people are drones for the most part, all their experiences are small and centered around a world that doesn't get much bigger than work and TV. It's not terribly exciting but it does make the human world go round, bankers and lawyers and garbage men and bakers and all of it. It's not a bad thing, it just is. Most people in the world and in all of history haven't been more than ten miles from where they were born (obviously the modern american doesn't fall into the average, but we're also not exactly the majority population in the world either even if we do have alot of land). Most people read stories and remain mostly uneffected by anything except traffic, work, health, and the usual banal problems. (Don't get me wrong here absolutely everyone has these problems, that's part of what being normal and human is) There are the people who read the stories, and there are the people who make them. I don't mean the 'fifteen minutes of fame' stories, I mean the ones that last.

They say every story has a grain of truth, that history is written by the winners anyway, that nothing is ever what it seems. Life can be stranger than fiction. I think some people are supposed to have those lives. You don't sign up for it, you don't ask to be 'special'... more like you get stuck with it.

I got stuck with it, but again, I wouldn't change a thing. And I'll tell you why.

When I got out of highschool, most of the kids I knew got summer jobs, some were lucky and had some money for a trip or well off parents who sent them somewhere, and some had plans for community college or university. I didn't, I took a night job and ended up getting bored and deciding to go travel and sell magazines. I saw most of the west coast in six months, had alot of fun being a shithead and selling more magazines than the kids on my crew by telling the truth (I'm selling magazines) instead of the memorized schtick (I'm in this contest for scholarship money blah blah blah). Got fired for it eventually. Spent time with friends in Seattle and Oregon, learned about antique clothing, live music and poly households. Also learned to sew and make patterns among other things, and more than a little about building, tearing down, painting and restoring houses and buildings.

I spent the next few years traveling in fits and starts, Colorado, Mass. (Hyanis, good music, lotta crackheads and freebasing... ewww), Idaho (the Moxie Java in Boise still makes the best chocolate coffee drink on the planet, though the old Fioritos on Decatur in New Orleans was a close second, not sure if either place still exists) I learned alot about people and culture, spent a little time as a roadie (no not a groupie thanks, besides I was really fat in my early 20s). Learned plenty about kink culture too, and picked up a handful of random and useful skills. Hated Chicago, way too cold. Loved working for Bert Lee, and serious bonus points to anyone who knows who he was.

By my 25th birthday I was in Mexico, I was the nighttime manager for a youth hostel, which mostly meant I was the bartender on the afterhours shift when all the other bartenders in town needed somewhere to go to keep the party alive. Learned to surf badly, learned to hold my alcohol, and not to drink vodka (don't ask, it makes me MEAN, and it turns out I can swear in more languages than I speak... alot more). I also learned the longest joke that with very minor and obvious changes can be told in any language, the dirtiest thing you can call someone in English, how to say cheers in a dozen languages, and why swearing doesn't always translate. (I dropped a caguama on my foot one night and popped off with "Owww, fuckmonkeys!" and it turned into a roundtable discussion on cussing)

I worked as a singer more than once, though my voice isn't what it used to be. Worked as a professional party planner for some rather large events for a while. So, I've done more than my share of the have a party, live a party, party till you drop etc lifestyle. It was fun, and occasional return visits are fine, but I'm over it. Ask me about the night I locked my keys in the fridge, or why a mescal hangover is different. I've also worked unique tourist markets, sex toys in Vegas and tarot cards in Nola, both of which are long stories and not at all what you'd expect. More like a story than like most people's lives.

And just for the record... yes people standing around me have actually done the whole spontaneous but mysteriously choreographed song and dance routine thing... more than once, and never a flash mob (Those are planned).

I once got a phonecall that woke me up. "I found a picture of you online, looks like you're wearing silver paint and standing next to a centaur."

"Huh? Oh that's ____, he's a friend of mine. That must have been in Canada or Washington. It's not paint, it's.. a holographic.. stretchy..." yawn... "Why, does it matter? Did you see the one of me actually wearing paint? _______ painted the dragonscales by hand. She was so pissed when hotel security decided we couldn't stay. There was some sort of like christian preschool teachers convention or something in the other half of the hotel." (National Horror Writers Convention, I forget which year)

"You get alot of strange phonecalls, don't you?"

"I have alot of strange friends."

"Anything else I should know about online before I stumble across pictures of you naked or something?"

Laugh, "No, those you couldn't possibly just stumble on by accident, believe me, you'd know exactly what you were doing."

"You have naked pictures online?"
"I have pictures of me wearing only bodypaint and standing next to mythical creatures, but this surprises you?" Sigh, "I'm up now, making coffee."

"How do you manage to do so much weird shit?"

"Do or do not, there is no try my dear. I just am."

"That's very zen."

"Yes... it is, considering I haven't even poured the coffee yet."

"Addict"

"I moved to Seattle because I heard the coffee was worth it."

Not normal.

Back home... (lol, meanwhile back at the ranch) the girls I knew were becoming strippers or mommies or wives or settling into quiet careers. The guys I knew were marrying and divorcing girls, some of whom I knew, and having custody battles over kids, dealing with ball busting bosses and going to school for this and that. And I was playing dress up for a living and bouncing around doing something less ordinary. It wasn't something I planned, it just happened. When I started making sex toys, I was the only one who was even a little surprised I'd gotten into that business. No one seemed surprised when my EL wire sculptures ended up in a gallery along with some other art I did. I was surprised. I don't think anyone was even noticeably ruffled when I called from the other side of the country or when I picked up for Mexico on short notice. I think they just expect me to do the things they couldn't or wouldn't do, as long as they get the vicarious TV thrill of hearing about it later. I don't think anyone plans to take a road less traveled, some of us just do.

So yeah, shit happens. But no, running away and making it someone else's problem isn't my idea of a solution. Probably because I don't want to be someone's problem, I want to be the most desirable and treasured thing in their possession, not the most broken and troubled. I'd expect better from both sides.

OK, done ranting now.

Part 5-

"I don't know why you bother fighting," He says.

I make a small sound and scrunch down in my seat.

The car stops, but I've completely lost track of where we are or what else might be going on.

He leans over and runs a hand down my dripping pussy.

"Aren't you going to tell me no?"

"Would it help Sir?"

"No," He presses the hard rubber nub against me. I start to squirm, but He pinches down on some of my softer flesh with His other hand. I cry out a little.

"Shhh, quiet now. You can scream later," He says and presses into me hard. I feel it go inside and stop, a rubber plug.

My face burns like a christmas light and a tear or two escapes.

"Awww," He says softly and reaches to stroke my hair, "That's not so bad. I have much much worse in store for you tonight." He chuckles to Himself darkly.

I sniffle a little and choke it back.

"You can put your feet down, but keep your legs spread for me," He says. I adjust as He starts the car.

He reaches over and slides His hand back up between my legs. Two long fingers dip inside and He plays with me, rubbing my clit with the ball of his rough thumb until I squirm and moan for His entertainment.

"Just one thing," he says.

"Yes Sir," He pushes in deep making me gasp and strain against Him, clamping my muscles down hard.

"Don't cum...

Part 4-

"Please Sir," I cry, "It hurts."

"Good," He says in a warmly approving voice, "That's my intention."

I try very hard not to cry out since I have been told not to. I breathe and try to relax but it's not helping as much as I hoped it would. I make soft sounds in the back of my throat as He moves His fingers inside me. I let Him take this without trying to fight it. It's like I said before, it's not mine anyway.

I try to let everything in the world go and just feel His fingers. I moan a little louder than I intended and He starts to pull away. I breathe slowly and silently, not complaining, not moving other than to shift enough so I don't cramp.

"Good Girl, take it because I tell you to," He says, moving His fingers apart. I want to cry out, but instead I swallow it and feel my eyes water just a little as He moves against my warm skin, pressing me to open for Him.

He slides His fingers out and I try to stifle the sound by biting into my arm.

He reaches into the console and pulls something out, but I'm distracted, shifting again and not paying enough attention until I feel the cool roundness of rubber pressing against my ass.

"Oh No," I yelp without thinking.

"Oh... you think you get an opinion on this do you," He replies casually teasing, testing a little against the firm skin, "What did I say when we got in the car?"

"It will hurt if I don't relax?" There's a low throb at the end of the sentence, not quite tears.

"Close enough," He laughs again, "Now... this is probably going to hurt. It doesn't have to... but it can, and I don't see why not. I wish you'd worn panties... they'd make such a lovely gag for you to try not to scream around...

Part 3-

"No please, Sir, you know I haven't..." I stop.

"Haven't what?"

I blush hard but He pushes harder against me.

"It's been a while."

"I thought you loved this," He says laughing at me again.

"I do, but you don't Dom yourself, well I don't."

"You mean you don't play with your ass?" He is confused.

"No Sir."

"Why not?"

"It's not there for me Sir," I smile, "If I just need to get off I can do that in a few seconds, no challenge there Sir, tab A, slot B, same body my whole life," He still looks confused, "If you went skydiving every day, do you think it would be the same rush as  playing video games most days and being pushed out of a plane once in a while?"

"I suppose that makes sense, you did promise to let me have your ass. I didn't realize you were keeping it quite so... pristine for me," He smiles again and pushes the tip of His finger inside.

I arch harder and moan. I don't notice the car anymore. I couldn't care less where we are or where we're headed.

"I told you I was going to hurt you, but I wasn't expecting you to make it easier," He laughs, but this laugh is deeper, more sinister as He thrusts one finger inside my tight ass and I cry out for Him, "I like that... It's... cute, saving something just for me," He thrusts harder and gets what He was expecting, a louder cry, "I think I'll take it."

I know not everyone get's this wet over the idea, but I drip on His hand. He strokes my pussy and dips His thumb in.

A bump in the road makes me open my eyes as I find myself there, hugging my knees and taking His hand, beyond noticing the world outside, pointing my toes and writhing at the tips of His fingers.

I don't focus on the world around me slipping past. Instead I try harder to give Him what He asked for. I stretch and try to relax for Him. He doesn't let me get too comfortable before He pushes another finger roughly up inside me with the first. I give a small shriek.

"Quiet... you're drowning out the music," He says as I try to clamp my lips down and only give a small whimper...

Part 2-

I hear the seatbelt click and the snap of the radio dial, but the music is soft and I'm not paying attention.

I sit still with my hands on my open thighs. My skirt gapes and He reaches over at a stoplight and plunges one finger into my dripping pussy.

He laughs, "That's what I thought," and plunges His hand back inside.

I moan and arch towards him, riding his fingers.

"Now cross your ankles and put your feet up on the dashboard," I comply even though the man in the truck next to us can see as my skirt rides up.

I blush.

He slaps my pussy hard a few times before shifting into gear and laughs at the man in the truck as he grins and gives us a thumbs up.

I shift so my burning face is lower and my knees are higher.

He reaches over and runs his fingers over my wet pussy, teasing my thighs and ass until I moan again.

He slides one long finger down my wet slit and over the bud of my ass, pressing in there, making me cry out a little.

"Relax or it will just hurt more," He pushes harder...

Somethng fun as per request ;P

Just a little.

"Give them to me," He says.

I blink a few times, like I have no clue what he means.

"Give them to me," He repeats, the tone a little darker now.

I grin.

"Can't."

"It wasn't a question," He growls darkly.

"Right, but I can't," I say and try not to laugh.

He is not amused. He pins me against the wall beside the door. One hand around my throat.

"Why not," He finally asks quirking an eyebrow.

"I'm not wearing any," I reply.

He smiles and gives a chuckle, but still squeezes just a little before he let's go to remind me he doesn't appreciate the attitude. He opens the door and points.

We get in the car.

"Where are we going?"

"It doesn't matter. Now do me a favor and kneel there on your seat," he watches me shuffle into the right position, "Good now cross your arms and put them on the dashboard and lean forward until your chin is resting on your arms."

I kneel up and bend forward. My skirt rides up and it's obvious I was telling the truth. Usually I have panties on, but I didn't have time, or that's what I'll tell him if he asks.  

He reaches up and strokes the back of my thigh, His hand trailing up high enough to touch the little bit of moisture that drips down to catch the light. I make a muffled sound. He smacks me hard enough to make me yelp and chuckles.

"What was that?"

"Please Sir."

"Please what?"

"Please, we've been playing all day and you haven't let me cum yet."

"Patience," He chuckles as he pulls out of the driveway smoothly, "Now put on your seatbelt and spread your legs..."

I like this idea so much I stole it and put in my own words. Feel free to steal and use at your discretion. The idea belongs to a sub I know, she wanted more subs to clearly communicate what they want from the supposed Ideal. The bold print is hers:

A Letter to the One I don't Belong to Yet-

First I want you to know why I chose you-

How could I choose anyone else Sir? I find everything I'm looking for in your arms. You make me want you and want to be more than I am for you. You know what I need to keep me in line, and what I need to keep interested. You like me for everything I have to offer instead of wanting to do away with the bits you like less, but it doesn't stop you from helping me achieve more. I adore you for your firm hand and your brilliant mind. I find you sexy and worth belonging to.

Second I want you to know why you chose well-

There are many subs out there. Some are prettier, or wittier or more in some way, but none of them will ever be me. I am a perpetual surprise and I will always be up to some new thing to see how it works or what it does. I know what I want and what I won't do. (LOL, the profile wouldn't say anal if that wasn't something I wanted, and likewise where it says needles are a hard limit that means absolute no-no) I know I'm not perfect, but I do always find a way to improve some small thing, make it beautiful or functional or better. I'm quick to learn and usually (hard to tell lately, but still true) cheerful and eager to push a few limits or try something new and interesting. I have ideas, opinions, goals and motivations of my own, though they aren't unbendable and unchanging. I try to keep an open mind. I've traveled, am well read and as capable of blending into upscale social functions as I am of rolling up my sleeves and getting dirty. I find life is often stranger than fiction, but how could you want it any other way. I enjoy being a private fantasy.

I thought this was simple and well thought out on her part and it's also very direct. Of course the answers here are mine, like I said, steal away, but do put your own answers in.

-L

SO

First a little thanks to Kat and her house. I know things aren't easy for ya babe, but you got it figured out, just gotta follow through even when it sucks.

And you're right, good mental exercise is still good mental exercise.

To answer the question, what I seek is the same thing I always sought. New knowledge, new experiences. In people, the extraordinary, the unusual and unique ones. You know me well enough by now to know that nothing less will do. The people I love are always special and exceptional. It's the part that gets me down the most. I can't stand the boredom. I'm not cut out for country life and no challenge except dealing with the daily harangue of bullshit and drama. I need to move and work and play and function for this to work for me. I need things to do and problems with solutions.

I'm always looking for something worthwhile, you know that, but it's not the same thing atm. I'm used to being more useful... or just more y'know? I hate it out here, but I will figure something out eventually. Afterall, slow or not I do still have the internet, and with that much information there is always something I haven't seen or thought of yet.

Things change, gotta hold on to that on on both our sides my dear.

Sometimes it's all you can do to keep looking new places.

Ha, ok, annoyed rant time.

To the dusty troglodytes who are pissed because I have no interest in them and their self insistent bullshit. You have nothing to offer me that I'd ever want in my life. You are far too self important and assuming. I am not obligated to like you, that's not how life works. I'm very sorry if your penis is undersized or your ego is so big it's hurting your head, but I do not see that as my problem. I have my own problems, and I'll deal with them myself thanks.

Calling me a whore, or a fake or whatever it is you think is the nastiest, dirtiest, lowest blow you can manage isn't impressive. It doesn't make me think more of you and it certainly doesn't make me suddenly see the error of my ways in not instantly sinking to my knees before you. Mostly acting like that is just good solid proof that I've made the right decision in not even acknowledging you exist (other than as a general part of the problem I have with people). Also, and this is just an afterthought, but it'd be nice if you'd make up your mind... am I the one with every quality you want, or am I sans all redeeming qualities? Or is it that you're seeking someone without redeeming qualities and you're just having trouble speaking fucking English?

I forget who it was, but I recall the image vividly. A sub turns around in a crowd and slaps the piss out of some wannabe Dommy asshat who was being rude and demanding and says, "I may be A sub, but I'm not Your sub." Good Girl, loving that.

If you think you're the God-King-Emperor of the Universe because you've been around and decided douchbaggery is the lifestyle for you, then good for you. Take your mysogynist ass on home and enjoy that somewhere far far away from me, because you're not worth my time. Though I will give credit where credit is due, I've been in a shit mood and I needed a good excuse to rant at someone(s) who deserve it.

Even at my lowest points I can do alot better than you and the problem is that you probably already know that. Picking a fight with me is not the answer and you won't win because the only prize there is is... oh me venting, feeling a bit better and then forgetting you ever bothered me in the first place... so go for the gold if you like.

Yay, ranting makes me happy sometimes. ;P

Let me try to be clear about a few things.

I'm not going to date you just because You are interested.

I'm not your new best friend because you are interested and you have some placation about how my life is going.

I'm not going to sleep with you for money or any other reason.

I'm not going to sleep with anyone old enough to be my father or grandfather, or anyone who's got the same plumbing I do, the appeal is zero, not even enough for a pity fuck.

I'm not going to suddenly come up with a miraculous solution and be available.

I'm not going to respond positively to people younger than my kid brothers sending me porn or to anyone who starts talking from the point view of you approached me but I have to earn your interest.

I'm not going to be a switch or a Domme, and I DON'T PITCH AT ALL EVER for men!!! (Yes as a matter of fact I have for women, but it's been so long since I met a female who appealed to me at all you can pretty much put it right off the list)

I don't train anyone anymore, I don't teach classes anymore, I don't make toys anymore, or costumes or any kind of custom gear.

I'm not ever going to be something I'm not, it's just how it is.

I'm not active at all.

Yes I do know alot about fetishes and bondage and things you probably didn't know had names.

Yes at 31 I have SIXTEEN years of experience, and no if you do the math that shouldn't work, and no I won't be telling you the details of how I got away with it because no one I played with that young knew I was underage and I wouldn't incriminate anyone for it.

Yes I have run kink businesses. It's not the only business I've run or owned.

Yes I do have high standards, probably too high for your taste.

Yes I have been poly in several different types of household and relationship. Yes I have dated women, men and transgender (M to F and F to M thanks). Yes I've tried vanilla. Yes I've raised children and trained both subs and Dom/Dommes. Yes I know how to negotiate, and how to contract, though those practices seem to be falling by the wayside.

You bet your ass as a sub I have limits and expectations, I also have hard won opinions and a damned good brain in my head. Guess what? If you want someone who's actually worth something you aren't looking for a useless worm who can only offer their crawling.

You think all of this is great and you'd like to spend some time with me....

You want to know why I still won't date you, simple, if you'd settle for what I have to offer at the moment, your standards aren't high enough for me to even consider.

Yes it's a catch 22, as long as I'm here I can't work, can't make phonecalls, have no car no functional chat programs due to very slow borrowed computer, and can't have any company, and until one of those things changes I can't leave. Sucks to be me. That's it.

For my friend Kat:

A little something about submission.

It's something you can do quietly, with a whisper or a whimper, silently with no words at all. It's something you can do with a scream while you try to wriggle out of your bonds. It can come from tears or from moments of beautiful bliss, from pain or sweetness. Gold chain, anchor chain, crack of a flogger, snap of a whip, or just one right kiss. Every snowflake, every relationship and all there is comes down to individual experience. You can hide it, you can fight yourself, there are as many ways to submit as there are those who crave it, fight, flight, freeze, bow or lay down and take it, whatever the result. Life is often what we make of it to a fault. C'est la vie, it is what it is darling.

I know it's probably wrong, but I got tired of being called fat because I only have a facepic up so I posted a couple more. ;P

Grrr, ok, I know I may not be in the best place at the moment, but someone said something that seriously bothered me.

"You don't know anything about this lifestyle"

1- Which lifestyle is that because last I checked there are quite a few options and not everyone does it the same

2- I've made fetwear and other adult toys for a living

3- This is not my first rodeo

People's assumptions hurt my head sometimes. Everyone thinks they know everything. I know how little I understand, but at least I try and pay attention to what's going on in the world around me. I expect a little more from myself and from people I spend my time with. I know that sounds strange, but it's true. People are so frustrating. I really love the ones who try and say the nastiest, cruelest, stupidest thing they can think of if you don't immediately bow down and acknowledge their obvious greatness. Have fun with that one kids.

Also, just since I'm ranting anyway, I'm not a Domme and I don't really like girls very much. I have a few female friends, but not That kind of friend, sorry just not my thing.  

Sorry folks, but I'm not the one.

I don't belong on a pedestal. I don't have anything to give you, even though people keep asking. I don't have a magic wand and if I did I think just this once I'd be selfish as hell and use it for myself.

I get it, once upon a time things weren't what they are and everyone is so sure I have one more trick up my sleeves, or one more miracle in my pocket. Believe me when I say that living with your family in your 30s is not as bad as it gets, I'm sure living with MY family could be worse, but I don't see how. I really can't make a car that I don't own appear, nor can I make this computer fast enough to run a chat program. I can't make a cell tower and if I could I can't make a phone appear either. I can't move from being this far out because I really don't have anywhere to go or any way to get there. I'm really not going to become a hooker or a drug dealer to fix this problem. I'm out of steam people, I really have nothing to offer for a solution, and even if I could honestly this has all pretty much fucked me up enough that I don't have the energy or the self worth left to deal with it. It is what it is, sometimes you can bust your ass all your life and do amazing things and still end up with nothing.

Things I don't appreciate:

Being asked to be a whore

Being told that I can magically change my situation and pull resources that don't exist out of my ass because someone else would be able to do so with their resources in their situation

Being kicked when I'm down so far I'm pretty much done anyway

Making smalltalk with strangers to amuse them when I need my time to try and save my own skin

Listen people, IM NOT AVAILABLE. I didn't ask you to save me.