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So what makes me think I am a Dom? All of my life I’ve I very much enjoyed taking leader
Gev
Hetero Male Dominant, 40,  Saint Louis, Missouri
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 Gev

 Dominant Male

 Saint Louis 

 Missouri

 5' 7"

 149 lbs

 40

 Caucasian

 05/30/05

 09/09/16

Actively Seeking:

Dominant Female

Submissive Female

Switch Women

So what makes me think I am a Dom?
All of my life I’ve I very much enjoyed taking leadership roles with, and receiving power from, an eager and consenting partner.  Nine years ago I began learning about D/s and BDSM and discovered a correlation between D/s and past relationship experiences which I enjoyed immensely.  I enjoy being the one who sets the goals, assigns the tasks, gives the directions, and fulfils the leadership role. I am not a control freak in the guise of a Dom; instead I enjoyleading the willing, making the decisions, mentoring, and delegating tasks (including delegating authority). 

 

Over the past seven years, when having made a good connection with a (submissive), I’ve enjoyed taking ‘responsibility’ for them and leading them into an environment for us both to enjoy. It is a heady experience when I know that the other person has put their full being into what they are adding and contributing.

 

I’m well aware that the power exchange of D/s is NEGOTIATED, not forced; and that it occurs by a sub’s fulfilling an active role with regards to instructions, tasks, and assignments as opposed to simply ‘yielding to demands’.  Control is 'accepted,' not taken, even though it may appear to be that way; leadership and direction are given by the Dom. 

 

What would I tell someone new to this? 
I would tell a novice sub (or switch) to be aware that to be a Dom is not an excuse to be rude or abusive.  Being a rude SOB isn't proof of dominance; it's proof that one has no manners and is socially stunted.  Also, “Domination” (and BDSM) isn’t about being the selfish azzholes that we men can become, and it isn’t about acting out the (psychological or physical) aggression towards women that most men seem to have. 

 

Not everyone is aware of the principle that a D/s relationship is formed from the bottom up, not top down; authority is given upward but it is exercised from the top. Since abuse arises where there is no consent, first boundaries are negotiated and only then a sub softly offers, "please express your desire and together we will act upon it without reserve unless I safeword."  In my experience, a submissive will by her nature have a desire to make herself subservient to her partner... but of course a very special partner, ideally one for whom she feels great respect, love, and trust. 

 

What is my philosophy regarding the D/s and power exchange dynamic?
In my view, a D/s relationship is about forming a friendship/relationship that is a yin-yang balance of complementary, not competing, roles.  It is a moving stairway in which power flows from the bottom upwards, and the thoughtful exercise of that power flows down.  It IS a relationship with an exchange of trust and respect in which each meets the others needs in ways that also meet their own needs.  When trust and respect are exchanged both ways, only then are a Dom and submissive are both able to enter comfortably into their respective roles.

 

For me, a D/s relationship/friendship can easily exist without physical pain, humiliation, or degradation as the willing offering of oneself and ones efforts, the giving and the following, not just the 'surrender' of personal power by the submissive, is the key to the D/s relationship.  A Dom’s control doesn’t come from a whip or a paddle; it comes from the sub herself.  The flogger and paddle are simply toys they use together. D/s is NOT about searching for abuse or humiliation as that can easily be found; this is about wanting to give, and in exchange, to receive direction.

 

What am I looking for in a sub?
I’m looking for contribution (not just subservience) and for friendship; someone who is looking to be more by adding themselves to another and following their leadership and direction.  I value enthusiasm, efficiency, and creativity; a desire to be led and to serve.  I'm also amenable to someone who wants an 'owner' (as a slave) over a 'friend' or ‘Dom’. 

 

I’m looking for a sub that is both willing and giving, to whom this flows naturally as a part of who they are.  This “giving” is not just of efforts, but also of ideas and opinions offered in a graceful, respectful, and proper manner.  I am definitely willing to consider the comments of a submissive partner as I am looking to integrate their strengths into mine.  Other key attributes I highly value are Intelligence, Athleticism, and Creativity. 

 

I don’t have a preconceived mold that a sub must fit into, instead I first learn what drives a sub (i.e. their needs, strengths, weakness, etc) and from there I can work to create a unique relationship.  An experience stonecutter doesn't just start cutting; he instead looks at the grain and the composition of the stone before he exposes the image that he creates in his mind of what the stone can be.

 

What am I looking for in a Slave?
This is a more difficult topic as and in public as a ‘friend’).  I have no problem whatsoever with referring to a sub in terms of ‘property’ whether she wants to experience life as a slave or a submissive. 

Do I understand a sub’s needs? 

I work hard at understanding a sub’s needs before exercising the authority offered because a key component of being a Dom is taking responsibility in a relationship; specifically taking on responsibility for someone else.  A Dom cannot find happiness for long if his sub is unhappy.  The power exchange relationship is to be of benefit to both, not just to one.

 

Many Domwannabe’s expect to discover the rewards of being a Dom but don’t really want to take on the responsibility. Moreover, it is important for a Dom to exercise self-discipline; a Dom who cannot exert discipline upon himself (or take care of himself) cannot be expected to take care of another.

 

It is important to me to understand a sub unique psychology, which is why I will suggest that replies to my profile include paragraph by paragraph commentary on this profile to let me know of ‘your’ thoughts on the topics I’ve written on here. 

 

I’ve observed that successful D/s relationships involved the Dom understand the needs of the submissive first, for if he can meet her needs then many of the other problems that are so often encountered never then pop-up their heads.  When a Dom disregards the needs and interests of the submissive, unhappiness for them both can only follow.

 

For the topic of pleasure:
There is a great deal of pleasure that can come from giving and a submissive experiences just one subset of these pleasures.  As a Dom I would ideally like to find a sub with whom I can enjoy an entirely different subset of ‘the pleasures of giving’.  The ‘pleasures of giving’ for a Dom come not from the giving of power, but through the exercise of power, authority, and control.  A classic example of this is when I, using my creativity, create a scene and/or roles that both surprise and delight a sub.  The key here is that a sub is not just giving but is also receptive, and a Dom, through the skillful exercise of control, can give her that which fulfills her psychological and physical desires.  This sort of pleasure also occurs for a Dom when he has fully inserted himself between his sub’s ears and has learned the working of her mind and psyche, to please both her and himself and to further refine his exercise of authority.  I don’t simply desire hedonistic pleasure; I desire to be good…. very, very good, at what I do, and from this I also receive pleasure. 

 

A D/s relationship “CAN” exist without pain as the willing offering of oneself and ones efforts, the giving and the following, not just the surrender of personal power by the submissive, is the key to the D/s relationship.  Pain and humiliation are not the central themes for me in a D/s relationship so being without either is fine by me. Both physical pain and humiliation it is not something that needs to be in a D/s relationship for me to call it ‘successful’ and a sub does not have to engage in masochistic behavior to please or entertain me. However, it should be noted that the willing endurance of discomfort to please a Dom is often a part of a sub’s willing gift.  By now it should be clear that I am not a ‘lick my boot’ Domwannabe and that I have a strong understanding of the D/s dynamic.

 

Although a submissive might have a need to be ‘punished’ as part of a cathartic process (to be ‘wrong’, to be punished, and then to be ‘forgiven’ and cherished) I’m also not ‘actively’ seeking someone to punish or to intentionally trip up as my view is that, for an eager and hardworking sub, they will most often ‘fail’ because I most likely did not clearly explain my expectations.  My natural state is to focus on ‘improvement’ and growth, not on ‘punishment’ or humiliation; therefore I’m looking for a sub who wants personal growth instead of ‘straightjacket’ relationship where they aren’t really allowed to succeed or grow

 

Here are the Questions:
1. Do you seek an authority figure? 
2. Do you wish to become enamored by a caring, thoughtful individual who will give you structure and goals, who you want to accept what you offer, and who will by his nature let you have in return?
3. Do you search for a knowledgeable Dom who has your respect and trust, leaving yourself able to concentrate on enjoying other parts of your own nature or those of fantasy identities? 
4. Do you wish to either relinquish control or do you wish to "give," and to do so completely in a way that goes beyond the generally accepted societal norms?

 

If you can answer yes to any of the above questions then I suggest that you contact me.  A particularly good technique for starting a dialogue with me is to write a “paragraph by paragraph” commentary on this profile text.  Your commentary and thoughts on what I have written will help communicate to me where your own ideas and interests parallel mine and where they differ.

 

Conclusion:

 

Hopefully by now I have shown that I “get it” when it comes to understanding D/s. I’ve been active in the St. Louis scene for Seven years and have made numerous friends in the local BDSM community. I can introduce someone new to a wide range of styles and tastes through those I know in the local BDSM community. Most importantly, those in my friends list can act as references, as that all have met me in person and many are the people that I hang out with locally in the local scene.

 

 

 

Now that you’ve made it all the way through this profile text, here’s a little reward:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJOZp2ZftCw

 

 

 

Do contact me if you find what I’ve written to be of interest to you.  

 

 

 

And you can always go to http://thedomsview.com/Vol9/Q2/feature4.htm to read and article that I wrote that was reprinted with my permission at "The Dominant's View"

 

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Journal Entries:
9/22/2008 10:28:14 AM
 

IMPORTANT!!!  
Dominants VS Domwannabees
Domwannabe will be rude or abusive, even in his first contact with you.
A Dom will be polite/sociable as they are seeking someone who desires to give them power/control and therefore has no reason to be anything but polite and sociable.

A Domwannabe will tell you what a ‘real’ Dom/sub is, as if he is an ‘authority’ on the subject.
A Dom will direct you to places where you can learn more.
 
A Domwannabe will try to ‘take’ control.
A Dom will give you the opportunity to give power/control to him.  A Dom accepts a power exchange; he doesn't 'take' it since it is something to be 'given' (not 'taken').

A Domwannabe has anger, or uses ‘anger’ as a tool, even before he is in a D/s relationship.
A Dom is in control of himself at all times.  If he isn’t then how can he be in control of another?  (Does a sub want to be subject to someone’s ‘anger,’ or to they want to subject to their ‘control?’)

A Domwannabe will try to make you fit the mold he has already determined.
A Dom will seek to understand your psychology and needs, and then design a relationship based upon the needs of you both.


As the above has been quite popular, I've decided to add to it.  The following is credited to -Calista Chained, 3/2000

Perhaps it is easier to say what a Master or Mistress is not.

They are not always right.
They are not selfish and cruel.
They do not have to be snobby and aloof.
They do not have to put down others to feel in control.
They do not have to abide by any rules other than "Safe, Sane, and Consensual."
They do not care what others may view them as weak if they listen to their sub.
They do not take it as an affront to their Ego if they are given suggestions.
They do not know everything: that kind of attitude does not promote growth.
They do not view Domination as a way to quick sex.
They *Do* recognize there is opportunity to learn in every situation presented to them.
They *Do* recognize that their partner is not defined by his or her role as a submissive.
They *Do* take time to evaluate themselves and their actions.
They *Do* watch and listen.
They *Do* recognize know that first and foremost to Master themselves before they attempt to master another.
They *Do* know that to Master...is to take responsibility to protect, to cherish, and to nurture.
They *Do* know the meaning of trust and that it is a two way street
.

-Calista Chained, 3/2000


12/24/2007 4:48:12 PM
 

IMPORTANT!!!  
Dominants VS Domwannabees
Domwannabe will be rude or abusive, even in his first contact with you.
A Dom will be polite/sociable as they are seeking someone who desires to give them power/control and therefore has no reason to be anything but polite and sociable.

A Domwannabe will tell you what a ‘real’ Dom/sub is, as if he is an ‘authority’ on the subject.
A Dom will direct you to places where you can learn more.
 
A Domwannabe will try to ‘take’ control.
A Dom will give you the opportunity to give power/control to him.  A Dom accepts a power exchange; he doesn't 'take' it since it is something to be 'given' (not 'taken').

A Domwannabe has anger, or uses ‘anger’ as a tool, even before he is in a D/s relationship.
A Dom is in control of himself at all times.  If he isn’t then how can he be in control of another?  (Does a sub want to be subject to someone’s ‘anger,’ or to they want to subject to their ‘control?’)

A Domwannabe will try to make you fit the mold he has already determined.
A Dom will seek to understand your psychology and needs, and then design a relationship based upon the needs of you both.


As the above has been quite popular, I've decided to add to it.  The following is credited to -Calista Chained, 3/2000

Perhaps it is easier to say what a Master or Mistress is not.

They are not always right.
They are not selfish and cruel.
They do not have to be snobby and aloof.
They do not have to put down others to feel in control.
They do not have to abide by any rules other than "Safe, Sane, and Consensual."
They do not care what others may view them as weak if they listen to their sub.
They do not take it as an affront to their Ego if they are given suggestions.
They do not know everything: that kind of attitude does not promote growth.
They do not view Domination as a way to quick sex.
They *Do* recognize there is opportunity to learn in every situation presented to them.
They *Do* recognize that their partner is not defined by his or her role as a submissive.
They *Do* take time to evaluate themselves and their actions.
They *Do* watch and listen.
They *Do* recognize know that first and foremost to Master themselves before they attempt to master another.
They *Do* know that to Master...is to take responsibility to protect, to cherish, and to nurture.
They *Do* know the meaning of trust and that it is a two way street
.

-Calista Chained, 3/2000


3/10/2006 2:22:35 PM

Red Flags for Kinky People (and Dating Tips) 
The following list of personal traits or behaviors are commonly found in people who tend to form abusive relationships, and bring harm to their partners.  These traits should always raise a “Red flags” of warning/caution/”Run!”  The more you see these red flags, the more you are at risk.  Many of these red flags can apply to both unhealthy Doms and subs.

Notice that there are three significant commonalities in this list: Anger, Responsibility, and Truthfulness.

1. Doms who cannot control themselves are not going to be able to control another person.

2. Doms who cannot take responsibility for themselves or their actions are not going to take responsibility for another, and YOU aren’t going to change that fact.  

3. Doms that lie are simply giving poison to those who wish to put their physical, emotional, and mental safety in the hands of a Dom. Realize that once poisoned, there is no antidote.

RED FLAGS

  1. Avoids talking about personal details. Gets mad when you ask or quickly ends the conversation or answers questions with questions. 
  2. Has no BDSM references or friends you can talk to. Gets angry when you ask for references or ask around about them. 
  3. Only communicates with you at strange hours and gets mad if you try to contact them at other times. 
  4. Loses control of their emotions in arguments and regresses to yelling, name-calling and blame. 
  5. Turns instantly on their friends, going from best friend to arch enemy at the drop of a hat. 
  6. Has bad relationships with most or all of their family members. 
  7. Goes to great lengths to get revenge on people. 
  8. Is rude to public servants such as waitresses, cashiers and janitors. 
  9. Criticizes the BDSM community and refuses to participate, especially if they never were part of it. (Do you want a critical person, or a positive person?)
  10. Does not take personal responsibility. (Run at this one if this is a Dom!)
  11. Always puts blame on others for things going wrong. 
  12. Always finds excuses for not meeting. 
  13. Pressures you into doing things you do not want to do. Does not respect your limits, negotiations or contracts.   
  14. Pushes you into a D/s relationship too fast.  
  15. Hides behind their D/s authority and says that their authority should not be questioned.
  16. Tries to make you feel guilty for not being good enough. Says that you are not a "True" sub.  (A Dom accepts submission, manipulator or wannabe will try to manipulate/coerce power from you.)
  17. Blames you for your hurt feelings. 
  18. Never says thank you, excuse me or I am sorry to anyone.
  19. Abuses alcohol or other drugs. 
  20. Threatens suicide or other forms of self-harm.
  21. Tries to separate you from your friends, family or BDSM community? 
  22. Deliberately saying or doing things that result in getting themselves seriously hurt. 
  23. Is inconsistent with details about themselves. Does not give you their home and work phone number at the appropriate time. 
  24. Consistently breaks promises. 
  25. Lies or withholds information. 
  26. Cheats on you or is overly jealous. 
  27. Falls in love with you way too fast and swears undying love before even meeting you.
  28. Has multiple online identities for interacting with the same communities. 
  29. Puts you down in front of other people.
  30. Will not have normal everyday vanilla conversations. 
  31. Monitors your communications (emails, phone calls, chats) with others. 
  32. Disappears from communication for days or weeks at a time without explanation. 
  33. Does not respect your feelings, rights, or opinions. Belittles your ideas. 
  34. Treats you lovingly and respectfully one day and then harshly and accusingly the next. 
  35. Will not discuss what your possible future relationship could be like. 
  36. Tries to keep you in the dark about what might happen next in the relationship. 
  37. Only interacts with you in a kinky or sexual manner as if role-playing. 
  38. Never shows you their human side. Is emotionless. Hides their vulnerability behind their D/s role. 
  39. Is constantly asking for large amounts of money from you or others. 




3/10/2006 2:20:55 PM
- The following are kind words sent to me by MstrssLace
I was wholeheartedly impressed with what you wrote.  Please know that even though not *everyone* will listen, many do...and your words are doing some good. 
I was one who wouldn't have listened, until it was made impossible for me to *not*. 
Abuse sucks, and what you're doing...will help break the illusions held in this lifestyle...even by people who are old enough..educated enough...and experienced enough to know better.
So...just a simple thank you...for what you put forth. 
- quoted with permission from MstrssLace

I've gotten alot of comments like the above.

(The orginal of the below can be found at the castlerealm (com) D/s web resource page. I post it here to be helpful.)
Because so many new submissives are discovering themselves online, I've directed most of this toward them. I've seen too many tender souls lead astray by the behaviors and information they've gleaned from watching the activities of the popular BDSM or D/s channels. Although there are some channels populated by "real-lifers," the majority are inhabited by "online wannabes" who don't have a clue about the realities of real-life D/s relationships. They do our lifestyle a real disservice by playing a dangerous game with other people's lives and feelings. I often wonder how many submissives lost the chance to discover the fulfillment of their true nature because of the myths and fallacies they've found on IRC or other "chat" providers. Here are some of the typical things you should know about and avoid.
"On your knees, slave" The first time someone said that to me on a D/s channel I was stunned. I was unowned at the time, new to "chat" and couldn't believe that this was happening. I soon learned that this was a common occurrence online and I would have to deal with it several times a day. You do NOT have to get on your knees for anyone, nor should you do so when this happens. No true Dominant would ever say or expect such a thing from a submissive who does not have a relationship with Him/Her. Put the clod on "ignore" and move along.
"I am your Master/Mistress and you will do as I say" Wrong! Until you have entered into an agreement with a Dominant, no one is your Master/Mistress. It doesn't happen because they say so, it happens when you reach an understanding. It's a mutual decision, not one made by a stranger. You will know it when someone is your Master/Mistress and it won't be when a stranger announces it to you in a private message.
"Because you are a submissive you will serve me" Not even on a good day! You serve because you desire to, not because you are ordered by someone you've never met. Your service is a gift that's offered, not taken, and you have every right to refuse, or better yet, ignore the comment entirely.
"I order you to submit to me" This one left me in fits of laughter for nearly 10 minutes. Submission is NOT ordered. Submission is given, and then only after trust has been established. Your gift of submission is a precious thing and one you should not toss around on a channel freely. If you would not give the keys to your car to a stranger on the street, why would you even consider giving a stranger the keys to your very life? Take your time and don't be afraid to say "NO."


2/4/2006 9:06:53 PM

I've found that some people have really reacted positively to the below when I share this with them privately, therefore I've decided to post this for all of whom might want to memorize it and say it with a tone of complete sincerity and intent to their master.

A Poem to her Master

These eyes are to only worship your enviable body and to guide my body per your instruction. 

This nose is for dragging the tip, starting at your chest and working down to, and along your manhood. 

These ears are for hearing your instructions and your desires/needs.  

These lips are for guiding the mouth to your manhood, sucking the juices right out of it.  

This tongue is for the pleasure of stimulating every inch of your body. 

These arms are for wrapping around you and holding you, where, and as often as needed.

These hands are for servicing your body.
 
These fingertips are for arousing your manhood and stimulating your skin. 

This
cleavage is for your head and face to rest upon. 

These
breasts are solely yours for your lips to suck and your hands to caress.

These
nipples are extended for your lips to suckle and your fingertips to touch.

This
heart is an extension of yours.

This
back is to be straight and strong, unless bent over and servile.

These
hips are for swaying and thrusting in whatever direction you see fit.

These
buttocks are for your spanking and spreading pleasure, and for cushioning your thrusts.

These
thighs part open eagerly at your bidding. 

These
labia are for caressing your manhood, thirstily spreading open at your command.

This
vagina is your place of rest and/or play, for your manhood and fingers.

These
vaginal walls are for hugging your manhood for comfort, and embracing it for your pleasures.

This
cervix is for painting with your thick liquids.

This
uterus is playground for your seed, accepting only your essence deep inside.

These knees are for sitting upon, in wait of fulfilling your commands.

These
feet are for leading my body to yours whenever you want.

This
woman, yours, is for you.    

--------------------------------

I hope you enjoyed the above; I've been told by some that at this point a puddle has already formed for them. 

If you would like to memorize this so you can say it to someone special to you, then the mnemonic trick is to work your way down the body. It's easier than you think if you break it up into a few lines, and associate the appropriate thought/action to each body part.

Hopefully you and your partner will enjoy this if you surprize him with it. 
 


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