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Salutations to Americans of all stripes, both conservatives and communists. And to those of you who are not Americans, I extend my sincerest condolences. By sheer numbers, some of us are going to end up in lesser nations, and you just happened to pick the short straw.
Now you might be wondering why any self-respecting conservative, and thus self-hating gay man, would come to this den of sickening debauchery and lust. Well, the answer is quite simple, my friends.
A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
You see, I've tried everything: brainwashing camps from our friends at Exodus, psychiatric treatment, and even questionable herbal remedies I've ordered from Commie China. Unfortunately, no matter how many strings I pull and buttons I push, it seems like I just can't wash the gay away.
So I suppose it's time to live with it. I must admit shamefully, and with full knowledge that our most merciful Lord will surely condemn me to the fiery pits of Hell for this, that I am looking for rough sex with another man.
Not just any man, though. A conservative man. I'm hoping God will let me have a bit of a pass if I go this route. Maybe toss me into purgatory instead. I know! It's a pipe dream. But pipe dreams are all I have. And yes, I realize and acknowledge the truth of the double meaning in my previous statement.
Lets talk a bit about my tastes, though. My turn ons include gay men in denial who channel their inner turmoil into self-hating public vitriol. I'm also greatly attracted to Assistant State Attorney Generals who like stalking young gay men, as long as you're willing to stalk me in a romantic place, like peering out from the bushes while I take a walk along a moonlit beach.
And if you're wondering, yes. Closeted Republican legislators, both state and federal, rock my world. However, when we have discrete and illicit extramarital sex, we should do it in a sufficiently manly and patriotic set of environs. I recommend the back of a Ford F150 (rentals are fine) while draped under an American flag. Only if it is absolutely required will I communicate to you via SGFS (Satanic Gay Foot Signals) in a public bathroom, and if we choose to go this route, I will only do so in the bathroom of a Sizzler, so as to complete the shamefulness of such an act.
This being collarme, I do have some kinkier tastes. If you are a totally straight man (wink wink) who likes punishing guys for being gay for purely moral reasons (wink wink wink), I would love a nice over-the-knee hand spanking from you. And if you felt the need to complete such a punishment by pounding my bottom with some other part of your body, I would entirely understand that such a thing would really just be a symbolic statement of the triumph of the totally heterosexual man (wink wink wink wink) over the sinful homosexual.
That said, I do have some limits. I refuse to be spanked with a copy of the Bible itself, as such a thing would be too profoundly sacrilegious for even my admittedly abominable tastes. Also, while I realize that many of the men who are reading this are devout Christians, likely including men of the cloth, I don't feel it's appropriate for us to engage in any abominations before God while under His watchful eyes in a Church. Unless it's a confessional booth. I figure those are used to expose sin to the eyes of God, anyway, so just doing it in there saves me a second trip to go confess.
AND NO COMMIES.
With a hollow impersonation of proper heterosexual love,
-j
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