***8-8-14 --- Excerpt from an article on healthy D/s relationships. Interesting read and definitely resonated with me.
How does one ascertain that a so-called Dominant actually is dominant and not abusive and has some successful experience in the world of BDSM and D/s relationships? How does a Dominant determine that a submissive is indeed submissive and not someone who has been deeply damaged by life events and seeking love and acceptance in unhealthy ways? Caution, patience, knowledge and self-awareness are keys to success.
Let’s look at finding potential Dominants. Clearly what a submissive is seeking is someone who is in control of and responsible for themselves and has the potential to project that same level of control and responsibility onto another. A submissive seeks a trustworthy and respectable set of hands in which to place their submission. Someone who is both capable and firm, yet caring, has good social skills, and can empathize with and respect the power that might be handed to them.
So think about the kinds of Dominants that might be milling around a social BDSM gathering. Would you go for the Dom who has all the most expensive leather attire complete with studs, body art and piercings who blusters around talking of their conquests and superior dominant abilities? Would you look to the Dominant who without preamble or prior relationship with a submissive begins ordering them around or touches them without permission? How about the Dominant who trundles his roller bag of toys and implements from submissive to submissive looking for a random play partner or unsuspecting newbie? Would you look to the Dominant who already has a collared submissive and seek to displace them or try to be another submissive in the harem? How about the Dominant who already has a submissive with them at the party but trolls around looking for more action? Or would you look to the Dominant who is chatting amiably with other Dominants and their submissives who perhaps looks at you and nods an acknowledgment without interrupting the conversation that they are already engaged in? Perhaps that subtle acknowledgement leads to a plain vanilla chat later in the party or perhaps a conversation at a future event?
In case you didn’t get it, the final answer is the correct one.
A submissive represents a significant investment of time, energy and mental effort on the part of a competent Dominant. They are not going to jump at the first person that comes along, are not going to act at the first encounter, and are definitely not going to respond favorably to a submissive who throws themselves at their feet. They know that such a submissive who kneels without knowing a Dominant will no doubt kneel for anyone. This is not worth having and a sure sign of a potential toxic relationship.
A competent and experienced Dominant will stand back and observe, assessing whether a submissive is worthy of the significant investment they would make. They know this is a long-term commitment and work to ensure that the chemistry, psychological and emotional makeup and desire is compatible, that there is indeed a spark, and that there is potential for the long haul. The method by which they do this will look rather vanilla in its approach. They will want to get to know a potential submissive, talk about all sorts of things having nothing to do with BDSM or D/s. They might even look like a vanilla friendship in the making long before any conversation turns to BDSM. They are sizing a submissive up and determining if there is a match. It takes time, patience, and repeated interaction. That is how a submissive and Dominant come to be D/s partners in real life.
Now let’s look for a moment at the submissives at the same BDSM social gathering. As a Dominant, would you be attracted to a submissive who sits in the corner unable or unwilling to talk with anyone? Would you be interested in a submissive who approaches every dominant in the room seemingly physically or emotionally throwing themselves at the feet of each one? Would you look to the submissive who goes from conversation to conversation seemingly challenging the leadership or authority of each Dominant or attempting to upstage existing collared submissives in front of their Dominants? Would you be attracted to attention seeking or wallflower behaviors? Or would you look to the submissive who chats amiably and respectfully with both Dominants and submissives, who carries on intelligent conversations on both vanilla and D/s topics, appears at ease and comfortable with themselves? Perhaps that person makes eye contact a couple of times accompanied by a slight smile before bowing their head and averting their gaze.
If you missed it this time, the latter is the correct answer again.
A competent and experienced Dominant is not looking for a dishrag, play toy, sparring partner or show piece. They are looking for a healthy, independent, capable person to develop a relationship with. They want someone whose submission is of value. They want a relationship that is unique in that person’s life; they want to be the One and only One to whom that submissive would surrender. They are looking for a well-rounded and confident person who is interesting and engaging to be around. They are looking for intelligence and well-spoken interaction. They want to be impressed by the person who would kneel before them.
These are some of the hallmarks of successful interactions between would be D/s partners. The key is to forget the kink and potential play time for a while and focus on one another as people first. If someone fails to do that and jumps right to talk of kink or giving orders or promising training and collars and the like, they are suspect in my book as either a Dominant or submissive.
Best of luck on your own D/s journey.