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Words cannot describe the feelings coursing through my body. I hate that i love you so much. I hate how you treat me. I hate how i don't fit into your life. I hate how we'll never co-exist under the same roof because your other and i don't get along like that. I hate how you refuse to do anything about it. I hate how your so insecure that you take it out on me. I hate how i'm your side job. I hate how you talked to someone for help, then try to crack down on me for everything because you see how much you've been fucking up. I hate that you don't listen to me, then get mad when i don't talk to you. I hate how much i hate. It isn't healthy. It isn't ok. I wasn't like this before, i was fun and kind and out going, i smiled and i laughed. I don't anymore. And you sit there and freak out over the dumbest things. But let so many rules slide. I don't think you have your priorities in line at all. Do i want to leave you? No, god no, it'd kill me, but i'm not sure what choice i have. I vowed never to leave you, and i can't break that vow... So i guess here i sit until you walk away.

Sad and confused, hurt and lost. What a wonderful day.

I adore this song. It's so.... tell tale. Innocence by Halestorm

*growls in frustration*

So, Master is making me redo my profile... I guess I have spelling errors and grammar issues. Yes, He is one of those correct grammar people. *sigh* I could care less. But I'd rather not be in trouble, so first order of business... Master wants my essay moved, He said it should be in my journal, I disagree but that makes no difference. If you haven't read my essay you should, it's awesome. Here is it, error free. Enjoy.

 AN ESSAY ON RESPECT

  It is something everyone wants, not many have, and few want to give. Most people would appreciate "just a little bit," and most should give just that. Unfortunately, a lot of the time, this does not happen. Perhaps this is because the concept of respect is not understood. What exactly is respect? The dictionary defines it as “An act of giving particular attention or high or special regard.” This does not explain what it is; it only outlines what it may be. In general, though, respect can be broken down into three main forms.

 The first is the respect of others. "Others" includes your peers, Master, parents, and everyone else. It is adding a Ma'am or Sir to the end of a sentence. It is obeying in chats and not being rowdy in the room. It is the respect of their ideas and what they stand for. It is what brings people together, and if not used, it is what can tear people apart.

 The second form of respect is the respect of property. This includes anything from writing on a desk at school to stealing from a department store. Property, whether it is the rooms, a company's, a stranger's, or friends, should always be respected. Respect means taking that extra few seconds to drive the speed limit so as not to hit anyone or anything. It means not smashing a pumpkin at Halloween just for fun. It means not throwing that piece of trash on the ground. That is respect.

It means more to some people then other people can ever dream of. Some people think respect is showing that you will “listen” to them when they speak, others think of it as showing gratitude for doing them favors.

You can’t DEMAND respect, nor make people give respect out of fear. Unless you’re a superstar or MVP of the year, you will have to show respect in order to gain respect.

Many people have different ideas about what respect means. I think it means

Having respect for others, property, and respect for yourself. Most people want respect

Even if it is just a little. The American Heritage Dictionary states that respect is

1. A feeling of appreciative, often deferential regard, esteem.

2. The state of being regarded with honor or esteem.

3. Willingness to show consideration or appreciation.

People demand different amounts of respect, though not everyone is willing to give the

 amount needed. Maybe this is because not everyone knows what respect means.

The first rule is respect for others. A few of those “others” are Master's, police, authority figures, and business people. Respect for others is listening to the person talking, not interrupting rooms, and being respectful to other people’s ideas. It means, doing the work shown, and not asking to repeat what was just said. But those are just a few examples, more relative examples may be when a submissive gets bored or annoyed and wants to push Master's limits....

Pushing limits does not mean making Master so angry the vein above his right eye throbs.

"Quit it!" "Ow, damnit!" "I'm hiding that toy when you go to work tomorrow" and cursing a blue streak are not safe words.

"Oh my god, where did you get those, they are gorgeous!!!" is not considered boot worship.

"Ya want fries with that?", "Want me to drink it for you too?" are not appropriate remarks when Master gives you an elaborate drink order.

Flipping your dominant off while your hands are cuffed behind your back is a bad idea. Owners have ways of knowing these things.

Putting lube, goop, Superglue, ink or any other substance that will sully the hands of Master on his toys while setting up for a session is not a good idea.

Kicking that toy you hate far under the bed is futile. Master will only secure your wristcuffs to your anklecuffs and make you crawl for it... repeatedly.

"Bite me" is never an intelligent response to a command.

Doing your Beavis and Butthead imitation of "Fire, fire, fire, fire!" during Master's lecture on fireplay safety is considered rude.

Responding with "Yes, All Wise, All Knowing Grand Imperial Weenie" is not appropriate when Master asks you if you are comfortable during a bondage scene.

Asking to go to the bathroom every five minutes while Master practices his Japanese rope work on you will try his patience, quickly.

Crossing your eyes and sticking your tongue out while your dominant is discussing your punishment is not wise.

There is no such thing as slave immunity, free slave day, or the pms defense.

The slave jury might not convict you, but the Dom judge will override the verdict. Count on it.

Pretending Master's collection of buttplugs are toys and singing the "Weebles wobble but they won't fall down" song is not a good idea.

Repeatedly blowing out each candle Master lights during wax play will get you punished.

Checking Master's head for the 666 symbol after a harsh punishment will only get you more of the same, or worse.

"I know you are but what am I?" is not the appropriate response when called a raunchy little whore during humiliation play.

Using the spreader bars, paddles or canes for the fireplace is not a good plan.

"Missed me, missed me, now ya gotta kiss me" is an unacceptable remark when Master's flogger slips.

When Master pulls out his bullwhip and says he wants to play, he doesn't mean hide-and-seek...he will find you eventually.

Calling Merry Maids when you are ordered to spruce the place up is not what your dominant had in mind.

"Faster, faster, we need a new Master" is NOT the song to sing during a session.

"Oh, and you think I am?" is an unacceptable response to hearing your dominant say he is not pleased.

During a play party is not the time to do your hilarious imitation of Igor and hunch over, moaning "Yes, Master" when ordered to fetch something.

Adding "Sir" or "Master" to "Fuck that plan!" will not save you.

Singing the chorus of "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better" under your breath during a session is considered foolhardy. Arguing whether "Master might not be right, but Master is never wrong" is Zen or Buddhist philosophy will only get you rewarded with kneeling in the corner on a bed of Legos "to help you consider the question in quiet contemplation."

Reciting nursery rhymes during an interrogation scene to crack your Owner up only lasts for so long. Then you will pay BIG.

Asking "Is that as HARD as you can hit??" is considered a cry for help amongst submissive suicide prevention workers. These are all forms of disrespect I myself need to learn to stray from, but in this writing I have learned that they are very disrespectful and will not be tolerated. Hopefully in reading this Y/you will agree and learn from my mistakes.

 It is important that a submissive's best interest is to obey her Master because in a D/s relationship, Master knows best, Obedience shows respect, love, devotion and loyalty. And Idealistically, That’s what a submissive wants; she wants to please her Master. In a D/s relationship the Dom and the submissive have certain roles and for a healthy, long lasting relationship, it is important to follow these roles, result not to follow these roles can be drastically " bruise". A submissive trusts her Master with her life, because she gives Him her life, she trusts Him to guide her in the right direction thus, and she must be obedient. Obedience is what a submissive's role is, it’s where she belongs, firmly planted at her Master's feet physically, but spiritually, emotionally and mentally they are O/one. her Master is her guidance, even if she is as wise as her Master, If the submissive is as wise as she thinks she is, she will know her place, To try to be in a higher place than she already is planted would be a foolish thing to do, And she should take punishment as her Master sees fit. And as Master, He should take immediate action to such behavior, If not loss of trust and respect of Him would take place. There are many reasons as to why a submissive behaves the way she does, perhaps seeking attention, Knowledge or a Free Spank. Obedience is a necessity, because without it, the submissive cannot do many things The Master must gain her trust and He must gain her eagerness....her need to obey. With this T/they will go far, So it is important for a submissive to be obedient in a scene, If she were to disobey, the effects would not be very pleasant at all. Obedience should come natural to a devoted submissive, even a spirited , bratty one, Because she knows Master knows best and He is trying to better T/their relationship together as O/one. A submissive's Obedience shows and shines through her body and self-image. Her Obedience pleases her Master for He feels He is in control, as it should be. Obedience is in fact why a submissive is a submissive, she could be dominant but she chooses to kneel and serve. A Master must mold His submissive into what He sees is fit, And it is the submissive's job to be molded , her Obedience is who she is, it shows and shines her love and devotion to her Master, A submissive should honor her Master, Love and please Him. Obedience is who she is , it is the reason why she is called a submissive, because she submits to her Master and she serves her Master, And she does this obediently, with no hesitation, Because she wants to please her Master, she finds joy in what she is, who she will become. Tasks are not tasks to a true submissive, they are privileges, and she wants her Master to be proud to call her His submissive. A Master works hard to mold His submissive, So in return the submissive must obey, A submissive can be open minded, and share how she feels, But when an order is given. She must act swiftly, she has no say, she may have a loud opinion, but it is not her place to question His authority. Her submission becomes natural;  it is her instinct, her whole entire way and look of life.  An obedient submissive eats, sleeps, and breathes to serve, to kneel at the foot of her Master. Obedience should be as flowing to her as walking, she may stumble a few times, but her steps should be made gently and carefully, thought through, and such procedures should be made when a submissive is obedient. A wise Master listens to the submissive, and takes into consideration of her feelings, and knowing this, a submissive should be obedient, knowing when Master gives her an order it is for her own good and it will benefit her to better herself in His eyes. Often times in a D/s relationship, The Master gets a little forgetful that the submissive also is human, and being that she is human, she can and very well will make mistakes, and get a little ornery herself, But in the end she kneels at His feet willingly, and He looks upon her and He lets her know He owns her, Obedience is something a submissive must learn, or the Journey she walks along with her Master at her side will be long and suffering. A spirited submissive may be mouthy sometimes But she knows her place and knows better than to disobey or be disrespectful. Obedience is a close second to Respect they are one and the same as far as most are concerned. 

I Hate my life.

*screams*  why? why? Why must we have these talks?? All our conversations are pointless! YOu refuse to bring me into your life, you refuse to connect with me unless its a RARE time you come visit. You told me you werent in love with me, yeah that one still stings, i feel like im "the other woman" and i shouldnt! I dont feel like i belong with you at all. YOur not there when i need you most days, and the reason i dont talk to you is because i have to wait an hour before you respond and then the moment is already over. You want reports every hour? Then say more than "thank you" when i DO give them. I feel they are pointless. DO i want micromanaged? To a point, YES. Do i know you dont have time to yes, but i think im worth more time than random pointless texts every now and then. Im crying out for attention and affection, and your just not there. I would give you the world if i felt like what we had was real, was honest, and complete. But im only a quarter of your life. Not even a half. How do you think i feel? I know you hate when i dont listen, i know your attempting, i know you want me.... But i feel like an old dog who used to be a beloved pet, well taken care of, groomed, cared for, taught, etc that is now tied to a tree and fed and watered and every now and then you come pet me so i know you remember im here. I know nothing of your life, im not excited to share things in my life with you. like right now, babygirl is in labor, did you know? No. Did i bother to tell you? No. Why? Because i dont FEEL LIKE PART OF YOUR WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm pissed! And depressed, and hurt, and ashamed, and bitter, and sad. None of those are good feelings. None of them. I moved an hour closer to you, on purpose! And we still dont have time for each other. I feel worthless, and unwanted. I shouldn't. I give up. I want to disappear and not be heard from for a few days. I finally get my collar back from you and instead of feeling closer to you i feel a million times more distant. UGH!!

Jealousy, it's a burden most poly lifestyle people have. I've ALWAYS had an issue with this... Bad. I hide it well, I put on a smile and go about my day. But the truth is when I get hardly any contact at all, it eats me alive. When i'm having a horrible day and your not there it becomes worse. I'm your slave, your girl, your pet, your toy, and i'm constantly sat on your shelf, alone and miserable. I'm not really sure how long i can take this. I love you and would lay down my life for you... but i wish you could see, how sad it is to be me.

A weekend with my Master.....well sort of, He's got a lot of work He's doing but night time is all mine :) I missed this. Seems we just don't spend enough time together anymore. This is a problem that needs fixed....

Some words cut like razors. Some things i'll never forget you said. That, that was one of those things. Thank you for opening my eyes and showing me the true picture. Heart Broken.

The time has come where life becomes blurry and i'm not sure which way is up. Usually at this point i locate the EXIT sign and take a walk. 

Exhausted today... Missing my Master, i wish i lived closer. But then i question if i did live closer if it would make any difference... I'm going to keep my hopes up and say yes. I have a theory.... Master claims He's not as great as i imagine Him to be. Well i know that's wrong because He is only that great in my mind because i've seen it in person. So i think if i keep this image of Him and believe it to the point i make Him believe it, we'll both be better off. I know He can do it... Now i just need to prove myself right. And not let anything or Anyone stand in the way. *smiles sweetly*

Life, Passion, Submission, Dominance, Love, Lust, Happiness, Pain. All these things are only separated by a tiny thin line. If this line is crossed, or the paths get mixed up the outcome is always the same - confusion, frustration, uncertainty, hurt, guilt. Simple words but they all pack a punch. Sometimes i catch myself stopping and wondering why i am doing the things i'm doing. Sometimes i feel like nothing but a simple play toy, or a fuck buddy, or many other number of things. Very rarely do i find myself feeling owned, probably because in all reality i'm not. There is no collar around my neck, it is bare and empty and cold. But such is life. I catch myself wondering if any of this will ever work out. Will i forever be forced to live this double life with You? Is it really that scary to pout things in order how You want them to be? With these thoughts come thoughts of, do you even really want me? Am i worth the fight it will cause with Your other? Then those thoughts lead into thoughts of will their ever be anyone who will take me as their own and Prove to be strong enough and more consistent and able to build their house based on their wants and not the wants of others? Yes i am a slave, no my thoughts and words don't hold any ounce of power or meaning, but they do hold a lot of truth. They do pose questions that need answers. No you don't have to answer to me, but you do have to answer to yourself. I want a Master. With that being said please allow me to explain what Master is to me. Master is that stong man who will stop at nothing to get what He wants. No one elses thoughts or feeling will play into that. Of course he is kind and understanding and will consider all outcomes but in the end it's his will. He is smart, and can hold a conversation with me about things other than sex. "I don't know" is not an answer He gives, even if he doesn't know he speaks as if he does. Rules are set in place, and when not followed punishments are swift and not put off and forgotten about. He is not lazy. His word is law. When He speaks i get those shivers down my spine with the thought of "i have to do exactly as he said, and not mess it up or else". I always want to fear the "or else". He is not a fake, nor a velcro collar Master, He is not weak. Ever. He loves His slave like He loves His beloved pet, and she knows it, but also knows He has the power to destroy her. He makes you want to curl up at his feet and never look him in the eyes. He is mysterious. 

The saddest part of all of these thoughts, is i have someone who is damn close to all of that if only He would pull his head from his back side and take a breath and live up to it. *sighs* Living like Batman, and being the worlds loneliest slave is not ok. I should feel owned, i should have fear, i should be exhaust from use (even if it's just housework) when i lay my head on my pillow at night that i fall right asleep with a smile on my face. Not sitting on collarme venting in a journal that no one reads, or passing out watching tru blood every night. I need to be beaten to the point it hurts to sit down, i need to be restricted eye contact and speech or something. I need a little GRRRR in my life. Good night.

I hate Valentines Day, like with a burning passion. As a matter of fact i hate MOST all holidays. I always end up crying and having a miserable day. Just my luck. Why do i get out of bed on this day? Ugh. Off to blog.

I miss my Master....I hope we can arrange a visit soon. He's my every other thought. I want to feel His hands, Hear His voice, and snuggle on His chest. *sigh* 

"Love me, Hate me, but all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to f-u-c-k me"  No, i'm not conceited,i'm well informed *winks* 

Had an amazing night with my Master, some things i didn't EVER picture myself doing, but it was worth it. Now, the missing Him part happens *sigh* I need to relocate. 

Is it really that hard to Read? Just wondering. Seems my mail box is FULL of people asking what i'm looking for.. Or requests to hook up. Ok, let me just say, I'm flattered thank you. Yes i know i just too adorable... But i am all my Master's. This *points to herself* All of this, is His. Not mine to share with you, not yours, His. So please grow some brains, read my profile and stop asking me to come live with you. *sigh*

Really starting to wish He had more time for me... Things get kind of lonely.

*screams in frustration* Ok, I give for the night. Not sure which way is up... not even blogging worked. Goodnight.

My kennel is all set up in my room and all comfy ish. Kinda excited to start sleeping in it for my Master. *sighs* Given the circumstances, I'm almost kinda happy. We'll see how things pan out.

Life..... is complicated, and i'm not sure what direction i should be taking. *sigh*

I'm....happy. Yeah thats it. I'm really happy. *smiles*

All i have to say is im tired of people who dont understand, then ask me to explain it and only misunderstand it then shun me for it. Im really not sure i understand. Let me just say im ready to walk away from this lifestyle for good for the simple fact im frustrated, and am now positive the right One is just a myth. He doesnt exist so why should i bother.

Ok, so A/anyone who has sent me messages i apologize, my mail settings were messed up so everything was being sent to my bulk mail folder without me knowing, i was not in anyway trying to ignore anyone, but it's fixed now so i will get back to anyone that messages me.

For the record for all of Y/you looking at my profile the main picture is the most recent. Taken today actually, the other pictures are all over a year old. More to come im sure i hate taking pictures but i need some new ones on here. On another note, life is good, sometimes boring and sometimes lacking that "something" but in normal sandards good. Found a few interesting people on here to talk to but it seems nothing fills that "something" better then old friends. Seems the people of my past, certian ones that is i find myself looking forward to talking to everyday. Im sure im just setting myself up for failure but hey i like the pain. But seeing as its late and im being barked at to go to bed *innocent smile* that will be all for me. Hopefully the next time i unload whats on my mind on here it will be much more entertaining lol.

It would seem no matter what one does in life there will forever be someone from the past who just cant seem to let you go. Someone who will always have something negitive to say about you, or something to try and hurt you. Why is it that people cant just leave well enough alone? Do they thrive on drama? Or the pain of others? Is life just that boring? Is there some other hidden reason that they dont care to discuss? Im not the type of person to keep drama going, i dont like to talk about people behind there backs, i grew up a while ago. I raise my kids, live my life, mind my own business, yet im still the main topic of so many conversations. I would really like to know why some people think it is a must and cant just let it be. Would it not be easier to ignore my existance rather then waste breath on me if you do not like me or how i am? I mean thats what i do. If i have an issue with someone i just pretend they dont exist. It makes life so much happier. People need to realize that not everyone views life the same. Everyone has there own definitions, there own principals, there own values, there own goals. If you expect everyone to be as like minded as you then im sorry but you are very mistaken. *shakes her head* Such is life. I wish these people the best, i hope they find happiness, and if they already have then congrats. Now, i hope everyone can just move on and let the past stay there, and avoid furture comments. But seeing as i highly doubt that is going to happen, ill at least attempt to have a positive outlook for the furture.

Wow, so its been awhile since ive been on here, thats because i completely forgot my password then had lack of a good computer, but thats ok, im back now... lets see how this time around treats me. Not sure my last experience in this lifestyle went the way i wanted it to but then again not many things in life do now do they. So with a bated breath here we go again....

A journey of a million miles
My soul had walked alone
Suffering insatiable hunger
And looking for a home

Lost and fearful i kept moving,
Running from my pain,
Never going anywhere-
Then going there again

Looking back upon the emptiness
That my restless heart created
i longed to still the yearning
and render my hunger sated

During this reflective pause
His voice called out to me-
"Come My love your home is here"
"I will set you free"

Joy and apprehension collided in my mind
my ears listening to His words
Resonant, commanding and kind

In His embrace i trembled
He wrapped round me like a vine
All my struggles ceasing when He announced-
"you are mine"

The longing voices hushed in a silence so profound,
my burning hunger stopped
as i knelt humbled upon the ground

Surrendering my body, heart and soul
Along with all my pain
In His bondage i found solace
and shelter from the rain

my home is not a place
like a building, town or street
It is the feeling that i have
when i am kneeling at his feet

His eyes hold my spirit when He gazes down at me
The love intense and reassuring
In His bondage, i am free

His love for me unwavering
Unconditional even when i am wrong
He holds me close, body and soul
In my submission i am strong

So once again my Master,
i pledge my love to You
Thank You for Your guiding strength
that will forever see me through