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FireTigress

FireTigress - photo 1
FireTigress - photo 2
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FireTigress - photo 7

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Friends:
MsSaskiawasillamaledraggingmyleashEuph0riaStrongGentleHand
MasterCadenluvingsoulPhlossophurDommeTheQuiet1RoughDominate
SubToddyLifelessrumble

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I'm no longer looking.

Burn

Do you wanna be a poet and write?
Do you wanna be an actor up in lights?
Do you wanna be a soldier and fight for love?

Do you wanna travel the world?
Do you wanna be a diver for pearls?
Or climb a mountain and touch the clouds above?

Be anyone you want to be
Bring to life your fantasies
I want somethin' in return

I want you to burn
Burn for me, baby
Like a candle in my night
Oh, burn, burn for me, burn for me

Are you gonna be a gambler and deal?
Are you gonna be a doctor and heal?
Or go to heaven and touch God's face?

Are you gonna be a dreamer who sleeps?
Are you gonna be a sinner who weeps?
Or an angel under grace?

I'll lay down on your bed of coals
Offer up my heart and soul
But in return

I want you to burn
Burn for me, baby
Like a candle in my night
Oh, burn, burn for me, burn for me

I want you to burn baby, oh
Laugh for me, cry for me
Pray for me, fly for me
Live for me, die for us

I want you to burn
Burn for me, baby
Like a candle in my night
Oh, burn, burn for me, burn for me

Yeah, I am
I want you to burn
I want you to burn for me, baby
Oh, yeah, burn for me

Yeah, I am
I want you to burn
I want you to burn for me baby, oh yeah
Burn for me


Songwriters
Werfel, Stephen E. / Reswick, Pamela P. / Arena, Filippina Lydia



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6/26/2015 9:25:01 PM
So today, the supreme court handed down a landmark decision, making marriage equality attainable in all 50 US States. I happily turned my profile picture rainbow themed to celebrate with solidarity for all of my gay, bi and lesbian friends. As usual, some humbugger had to come along and complain that "its annoying" that the whole internet became a rainbow today. Well, I ordinarily try to let ppl have their own differing opinions and just say nothing, but today I politely stood up. I may have lost a "friend"...oh well..

6/23/2015 9:53:11 PM
Time for another update. I'm still totally happy with my boy, growing closer every day.

Hafta laugh though. Several months ago, I scraped a troll off the sole of my shoe and went on to far better things. While on facebook today, I ran across said troll. His profile was suggested to me for adding a friend. Of course I blocked him, but before I did, I saw the picture that he told me was from doing fireplay with an unskilled Domme, only here he and all his friends note that it happened at work. It's always nice when I'm given a sign that I made the right choice, and I'm going in the right direction now.

5/8/2015 5:19:23 AM
Two days of back to back migraines, and I am not impressed. I finally fell asleep last night with an ice pack under my neck. Got my imitrex refilled asap.

Otherwise, life is great! Happy with my Boy and that's my update 😜

4/16/2015 8:30:36 PM
Im always happy when I feel productive.  Today has been one of those type of days, even though I havent done everything on my "to do" list yet. 

The weather was nice out, and the sun and breeze just made me feel like tackling some of the items on my list.  The dishwasher is chugging away right now and, when it's done, I will have a whole lot of sparkling, clean dishes!!

In terms of my TPE, everything is still going incredibly well.  I am really happy and ...content, even. 

Time for kitty snuggles and BBT :)









2/24/2015 7:43:57 PM
I haven't even reached my max, and he's still happily wanting to go deeper, further, harder.



I never knew it could be THIS good!! I absolutely love being able to get him right into the Zone, and find that I can do it quicker each time we play. It thrills me like no other, to see him with glowing, radiant face and dreamy, glossy eyes, knowing I did that - I can do that anytime I want.
Topspace is wonderful. During (and after) playing, I feel so heady and euphoric. It sticks around for hours afterward too. I'm enjoying every part, including the aftercare. Its so fulfilling!!!

2/16/2015 6:11:24 PM
I havent been this happy in years :) Im so thrilled, and enjoying exercising my Top chops again has been exciting and scary and interesting and wonderful. 

Who knew that Id find what I always wanted but never knew I needed, and right under my nose?!

Happy.  Sooooo happy!!

2/14/2015 5:29:58 AM
So far, this has been the best Valentine's Day of my adult life, and it isn't even 8 am. The clerk at the gas station this morning even noticed that I'm glowing ❤😍

2/4/2015 2:58:55 AM
Nope.  Game over.  You're done.  Dont contact me again.  I dont associate with trolls and time wasters.  SHAME on you for lying about dying.  SHAME.

2/1/2015 12:06:20 AM
I would agree with this. :)

== Results from http://bdsmtest.org/ ==
100% Switch
89% Bondage Giver
85% Master/Mistress
75% Daddy/Mommy
75% Girl/Boy
71% Degradation Giver
71% Dominant
70% Bondage Receiver
70% Experimentalist
63% Submissive
60% Primal (Predator)
54% Sadist
52% Brat Tamer
51% Exhibitionist
50% Masochist
50% Primal (Prey)
48% Brat
46% Voyeur
45% Degradation Receiver
33% Slave
0% All-Rounder
0% Non-monogamist
0% Pervert
0% Vanilla
See my results online at http://bdsmtest.org/result.?id=90629

1/27/2015 4:16:08 PM
"Sometimes you must hurt in order to know, fall in order to grow, lose in order to gain, because sometimes life's lessons are learned through pain."

~Unknown

1/17/2015 7:07:51 PM
"It is better to be loved by one person who knows your soul than millions who don't even know your phone number."  ~ Richard Paul Evans

1/17/2015 2:37:47 AM
Know in your Heart you are never alone. 
Do your best to put positive energy into your thoughts
- the Universe is Listening.

Tracey Smith

1/17/2015 2:31:37 AM
Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.
~William James

1/15/2015 1:44:31 AM
If you hesitate between me and another person, don't choose me.

1/14/2015 7:20:48 PM
Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.

~ Barbara De Angelis

1/6/2015 2:30:41 AM
Healing doesnt mean the damage never existed, it means the damage no longer controls our lives.

1/5/2015 8:38:13 PM
When you allow the wrong people in your house, stuff will come up missing like: Joy, Peace, Love, Hope, Faith,... (yes, people steal these things). 

Im making sure that Peace and Blessings reign in my home!!

1/5/2015 7:58:22 PM
Feels great to be moving forward in the New Year just as I am. Nothing holding me back.  No more drama :)  Im free!

1/2/2015 8:47:51 PM
Apologize to me; then maybe we can talk.  Until then, consider yourself persona non grata.  And if you think this is about you, you're probably right.

12/29/2014 9:55:12 AM
"Burn back the sun,
Bring back the fire once,
Blazing inside this hollow cage
Burn back the sun,
You were the only one
To love me with passion's quiet rage"
~ Decyfer Down "Burn Back The Sun"

12/27/2014 11:09:28 PM
Burn
your ships
from the past
so
you dont
travel back into
the storms that brought
you down in the first place.

12/27/2014 8:16:30 PM
I pledge allegiance
to the wild side.

To breaking rules
and smashing the status quo.

To thinking for myself
and forging my own path.

I am the Black Sheep.
And I hereby declare myself.

12/27/2014 12:19:21 AM
She walks in beauty,
like the night
of cloudless climes
and starry skies

12/25/2014 1:20:59 AM
Don't ever let anyone break your soul.  You have to stand on your own two feet and stand up for yourself.  There are those that would give anything to see you fail, but you must never give them the satisfaction.  Hold your head up, smile and stand your own ground.  - Author Unknown

12/25/2014 12:17:02 AM
Some family trees have beautiful leaves, and some just have a bunch of nuts.  Remember, it is the nuts that make the tree worth shaking. 
                        -Unknown Author

12/25/2014 12:10:14 AM
The problem is not the problem.  The problem is your attitude about the problem. 
-Jack Sparrow

12/23/2014 8:32:59 PM
If it doesn't open, it's not your door.

12/23/2014 3:30:09 PM
Every pain, every obstacle, every heartbreak, every tear I have endured has made me the strong, independent, courageous, wise and loving person I have become...
-Author Unknown

12/22/2014 12:46:46 AM
Its my birthday today! Im finally 40 :) Here's to the best decade of my life!!

12/19/2014 9:21:56 PM
When two hearts are meant for each other,
no distance is too far, no time is too long,
and no other love can break them apart.

12/13/2014 3:35:26 AM
It doesnt matter who hurt you or broke you down.  All that matters is who made you smile again.

12/13/2014 1:17:27 AM
"You can not save everyone.  Some people are going to destroy themselves no matter how much you try to help them."  - Bryant McGill

12/11/2014 2:19:34 AM
Dont make excuses for nasty people.  You cant put a flower in an asshole and call it a vase.

12/3/2014 1:48:48 AM
I want soo badly to find the person who feels this way about me.

"Wanted"
by Hunter Hayes


You know I'd fall apart without you
I don't know how you do what you do
'Cause everything that don't make sense about me
Makes sense when I'm with you

Like everything that's green, girl, I need you
But it's more than one and one makes two
Put aside the math and the logic of it
You gotta know you're wanted too

'Cause I wanna wrap you up
Wanna kiss your lips
I wanna make you feel wanted
And I wanna call you mine
Wanna hold your hand forever
And never let you forget it
Yeah, I, I wanna make you feel wanted

Anyone can tell you you're pretty, yeah
And you get that all the time, I know you do
But your beauty's deeper than the make-up
And I wanna show you what I see tonight...

When I wrap you up
When I kiss your lips.
I wanna make you feel wanted
And I wanna call you mine
Wanna hold your hand forever
And never let you forget it
'Cause, baby, I, I wanna make you feel wanted

As good as you make me feel
I wanna make you feel better
Better than your fairy tales
Better than your best dreams
You're more than everything I need
You're all I ever wanted
All I ever wanted

And I just wanna wrap you up
Wanna kiss your lips
I wanna make you feel wanted
And I wanna call you mine
Wanna hold your hand forever
And never let you forget it
Yeah, I wanna make you feel wanted
Baby, I wanna make you feel wanted

You'll always be wanted

12/3/2014 12:36:39 AM
I want to break out of this rut. 

Its terrible to want something that is completely out of reach, but how do I tell him?

My heart hurts.

11/30/2014 6:34:57 PM
Breakdowns
can create breakthroughs. 
Sometimes
things fall apart
so
they can fall together.

11/30/2014 4:41:51 AM
I miss you.  When you're not around, my day is colorless. 

11/28/2014 6:22:23 PM
I got to see the ghost town and donkeys in Oatman, Arizona over Thanksgiving :)  The donkeys were hungry, and insistently pushing me for their "donkey treats", and I wound up screwing up my left shoulder pretty good.

Nobody told me that they get jealous and territorial when carrots are involved, so here I come with my bag of fresh carrots. A big male got his temper up, put his ears back, started butting the other donkeys, biting them, and then kicking.  Meanwhile, Im surrounded by a swarming mass of hungry excited donkeys, all gnashing their teeth, hoping to get a carrot.  The big male tried to pin me off to himself, and then he smashed his head up under my left arm, which was carrying the bag of carrots.  Its been excruciatingly painful ever since.  If I dont use it for awhile, it was feeling better but at this point, it  hurts even if it just hangs there.  Guess Im going to be making an appointment with the Dr to see if its pinching a nerve.

So, hooray for ghost towns and 'wild' donkeys, boohissgrowl for being accident prone and trying to visit a shopping outlet on Black Friday.  Never again!

11/26/2014 3:01:55 AM
Having a purposeful life means that your existence impacts others in a meaningful way.

11/25/2014 6:33:03 PM
The true mark
of maturity
is when somebody hurts you
and you try to understand
their situation
instead of trying to hurt them back.

11/24/2014 7:25:01 PM
Doing a load of delicates in the washer.  I love doing laundry so much!

11/23/2014 9:14:17 PM
Well, thats a new one by me.  Ive seen a lot in my almost 40 years.  Lots of different ways for people to lie and commit frauds. 

Today I got an email from someone who greeted me and announced that his name is Joshua, went on to blather awhile and then signed his email 'Steven'. 

Is there any wonder why I cant believe anything that comes out of nearly anyone's mouth?

11/15/2014 9:27:27 PM
What a rotten day. 

It started out good enough, but wound up with me grouchy and mirroring most of what I saw around me today. 

Sometimes being an empath really sucks.

11/14/2014 1:27:43 AM
Looking for my bunny, and wishing I had him tonight!

11/12/2014 4:53:39 PM
Oh, I have the best news!! This has been a reaaaaally good day. :)

Went to the Farmers Market to celebrate my victory, picked up two artisan loaves of bread (one sweet, one savory) and some honey sticks from the Honey Guy.  The guy who runs the Farmers Market was so pleased to hear my news, he gave me a bottle of low sodium garlic spread, on the house! Woo Hoo! Two Thumbs Way Up!

11/9/2014 7:58:27 AM
No. 

If you had read my profile, you would know that I am not willing to come out and meet you.  Especially not the first day Ive ever seen your virtual nickname.  (WTF?)  I am not an escort, and I am not free to come amuse you.  Dont be in such a rush for gratification.  Take some time and get to know a person before deciding to go further.  Also, if you are my biological father's age, its never going to happen.  I date my age, and slightly younger only.

11/5/2014 12:02:06 AM
Love yourself enough to set boundaries.

Your time and energy are precious.  You get to choose how to use it.

You teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won't accept.

11/3/2014 6:10:26 AM
Sometimes, you find yourself in the middle of nowhere.  Sometimes in the middle of nowhere, you find Yourself.

11/1/2014 2:44:39 AM
Ok, what part of "If you are not living full time in Las Vegas, Nevada, please dont contact me, and it goes without saying that I dont want to be contacted if you are from overseas" means, "Oh hi, my profile says I live in Henderson but Im really in Kuala Lumpur MALAYSIA and looking for a long term, serious relationship with you" will be well-received?

*headdesk*

10/28/2014 3:45:25 AM
Oh, to hear you call me Babygirl again! To know, after a hard day when I feel like crying, that I can come home and your arms will be open and ready to hold me.  To feel the love and care pouring out of you as you take me across your lap and deliver the spanks that send my mind reeling into blessed space!

I miss the knowing between us.  That no words need be said, because we knew what the other was thinking.  The easy silence that hummed while we were content to just be together, doing whatever made us happy.

I miss the buffer you provided for me against the world that sometimes feels like its crushing down on me, and the fact that you didnt try to change me.

You knew that you possessed a feisty handful and you were proud of it.

I feel sad without you in my life, but I will adjust.  I will find my One again.

10/26/2014 2:57:11 PM
Everyone needs someone to keep sacred the Heart's secrets and whisper encouraging words along the way. 

Thank you for being this kind of person.

10/26/2014 4:28:53 AM
I wish I was going to be having friends here with me to make a bunch of christmas cookies and treats this year.   *sigh*

10/25/2014 4:19:09 AM
Ok...if I ask you if you are single and you say you were married 10 years ago, I assume that means you are currently single.  If I then find out that you are not only not single, but currently married? Understand that you wont be acknowledged anymore. 

Deceit is disrespectful as well as dishonest.  Neither one is ok with me. 

Trust is the number one building block in growing a relationship that can support a TPE.  Lying to me right off the bat destroys any likelihood that I will ever trust you again. 

You should approach me with the understanding that if you lie to me, I will always find out.  Its not a matter of 'if'.


10/24/2014 3:24:12 AM
The nearer I get to that which I believe in my heart is best for me and what I really want, the more afraid I become.  I feel weak.  I feel like I cant possibly take that next step. I know what lies beyond, and I just cant agree to give that yet.  Its far too costly and the cost is too much for me right now.

Maybe I will never be ready.

10/22/2014 2:59:04 AM
Happy! :) I had a good day, and it was a much-needed day just for me.  I now feel back to my relaxed, peaceful self.

10/21/2014 12:23:20 AM
How beautiful it is to have Someone who adores the things you try to hide, and never gives up on you even when you want to give up on yourself.

10/21/2014 12:18:08 AM
Every woman deserves to have a man who is proudly willing to say to the whole world, "Yeah, she's my one and only.  She is beautiful and she is mine."

10/18/2014 9:46:11 PM
Sometimes the person you fall for isn't ready to catch you.

10/18/2014 3:42:57 PM
I knew I shouldnt have bought the Oreos.  Darn it.

10/15/2014 11:13:48 PM
Wow, gotta love it when I manage to bust a game playing JERK without even meaning to.  You're busted, dude.  I know that you have been trolling around, telling every single female you happen to talk to that shes the only one youre into, and that you want her to be ALL YOURS.  What a creepy thing to do.  Steering clear of you from now on.


10/12/2014 6:39:38 PM
Its really a shame when someone is so prideful and pigheaded that they refuse to apologize because they know they tried to push something that wasnt welcome.

10/10/2014 4:23:25 AM
Sometimes, when I say, "Im okay." what I really want is for someone to hold my hand, or hug me, or touch my shoulder, tilt my chin up and look into my eyes and say, "I know youre not ok.  Tell me what's wrong."  Sometimes, all it takes is a sympathetic look and the phrase, "I know" to allow me to let go and really feel what I need to get out.

10/10/2014 3:18:11 AM
Well, long story, but the smart phone I bought is unable to be used.  Ive taken care of that, so its gonna be ok.  Yesterday, I bought a new smart phone and after I hurried home and got it charged, I spent about 5 hours messing with it. 

I had to enter nearly 200 contacts by hand since the girl at the store didnt know how.  Im smitten with the bigger, colorful screen, but I still have so much to figure out.  Like, how do I assign the imported free ringtones that I downloaded?  So frustrating!!

10/9/2014 12:28:54 AM
She needs a hero.

10/6/2014 5:27:08 PM
"Spin"by Lifehouse
I'd rather chase your shadow all my life
Than be afraid of my own
I'd rather be with you

I'd rather not know
Where I'll be than be alone and convinced that I know
And the world keeps spinning 'round

My world's upside down and I wouldn't change a thing
I've got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you and I wouldn't change thing

No you and I wouldn't change a thing
Everything I know has let me down
So I will just let go

Let you turn me inside out
Cause I know I'm not sure
About anything but you wouldn't have it any other way

And the world keeps spinning 'round
My world's upside down and I wouldn't change a thing
I've got nothing else to lose

I lost it all when I found you and I wouldn't change thing
No you and I wouldn't change a thing
Spinning, turning, watching, burning

All my life has found its meaning
Walking, crawling, climbing, falling
All my life has found its meaning

You and I wouldn't change a thing
No you and I wouldn't change a thing
And the world keeps spinning 'round

My world's upside down and I wouldn't change a thing
I've got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you and I wouldn't change thing

No you and I wouldn't change a thing
No you and I wouldn't change a thing

10/6/2014 5:06:52 PM
There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,
    

    a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,    
   
a time to search and a time to give up,

    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
    a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
    a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

Fall is traditionally a time of newness for me.  I feel reborn and refreshed each year when the summer dies away and gives way to the majesty of Autumn.  It is my favorite season, and I rejoice when the green leaves begin to yellow and curl, because it is the first sign that Fall is on the way.  Not many things make me feel as wholeheartedly happy as seeing crunchy multicolored dry leaves piled here and there, feeling the first cooling bite to the air, and being able to curl up with the ones I hold dearest near an outdoor fireplace with a sweater and full length jeans on.  Maybe, even a heavy jacket. :)

This Spring and Summer season have been especially difficult and trying for me, and I found myself feeling like I was just hanging on exhaustedly by the end of September, waiting for the blessings that October always brings my way.  This season has been one of variety, and emotionally, I am not sure what to expect next.

A dear friend passed away unexpectedly recently, I ended two toxic years-long relationships because I knew that they were slowly strangling me.  I expected to feel lighter, and to be moving forward purposefully toward whatever gifts await me as this season moves toward the Holiday season.

In some ways, I am lighter.  I am definitely happy.  And yet....and yet.  I am pursued by heavy, sobering thoughts.  Confronted with my own mortality once again, as this was my third close peer friend to leave me so early.  Life changes once you find yourself standing vibrantly, (having fought through many personal battles already) and watching, crestfallen as those around you fall.  Fall away and become one with the earth again, or just fall away, each of you bound to a different divergent path.

Im not sure what the rest of this season holds for me, but at this point I have to say that what once was a period of new life will be forever tinged with the reality of death, and the ending of a chapter.







10/5/2014 8:56:49 PM
Patience, above all else, is what is needed right now.  Do not let anxiousness or frustration take over.  Conditions on the exterior of your condition will change, but your highest benefit will be achieved when conditions in your interior remain the same.  Hold on to your inner peace.  Reclaim your identity.  Trust your higher wisdom.  Look to the grander vision.  Do not agitate for a decision right now, nor seek an immediate solution. Do not wish for an end to things as they are. That end will come. Yet let it arrive naturally.  Do not push the river. Wait. The Right Time is at hand, and resolution of this difficulty is on its way.
~ Neale Donald Walsch

10/5/2014 8:12:36 PM
*happy moan* mmmmmm...candy corns.....YESSS the preshussssss :)

10/5/2014 6:53:11 PM
It's so amazing when someone comes to your life and you expect nothing out of it but suddenly, there, right in front of you, is everything you ever need.

10/5/2014 12:30:12 PM
I know that I dont typically blog about this kind of stuff publicly, but Im gonna do it today.

Suddenly, I am so unbelievably, out-of-my-mind horny.  Trying to 'fix' it only makes it worse.  UGH.

10/5/2014 8:52:09 AM
"At the height of laughter, the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities."  ~Jean Houston

This makes sense to me.  I love laughter, and value others who not only feel the same, but are able to make me laugh. 

10/4/2014 5:07:36 PM
Last night I tried something new.  I had my first hypnosis session, and I wasnt sure what to make of it until after I had the best sleep I have ever had in recent recollection.  Without benefit of benedryl, or a muscle relaxant, that is.  It felt like my bed just opened up and swallowed me.  I dreamed such vivid, technicolor dreams.  Dreams that included my ex, btw, and I didnt even wake up feeling angry when I realized who had been in my dreams.  Thats a first for sure.

I think Id like to try another session.  Im interested in building trust and seeing what else can be accomplished through this technique, which I was always leery of prior.  I can almost admit that I am a believer.  I still feel the effects of the suggestions.  I feel happy, like deeply, deeply content and peaceful.  This is great!

10/3/2014 1:04:47 PM
No, I am not willing to share myself with more than one partner at a time.  No, I wont ever change my mind about it. 

10/2/2014 5:23:39 AM

Note: this one is not my story, but I thought it was worth sharing.

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."


10/1/2014 6:25:52 PM
“Let someone love you just the way you are – as flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you sometimes feel, and as unaccomplished as you think you are. To believe that you must hide all the parts of you that are broken, out of fear that someone else is incapable of loving what is less than perfect, is to believe that sunlight is incapable of entering a broken window and illuminating a dark room.” 
~Marc Hack

Hmm...this one is hard for me.  Its scary. Im scared.

10/1/2014 7:44:30 AM
....and, October is off to a smashing start. This morning, I managed to fumble a large heavy drinking glass in the kitchen.  It shattered around my bare feet, and the kitchen looked like a blue bomb went off.  I swept the floor three times and then wet-swiffered twice and Im still leery of walking barefoot in there.

The day improved when I managed to set up my new smart phone fairly easily, even figuring out how to get the screen protector on straight and without bubbles.  I was pretty pleased with myself over that.

And just now, I just found out that my 38 year old friend of at least 15 years had a heart attack and died yesterday. :( He took me to my first Huskers game. We rode down to Lawrence, KS together in his lil red truck, just the two of us.  It was a great road trip, and the game was an unforgettable experience.  When I was in my really bad car wreck, he drove over and offered to help out around the house til I got back on my feet, even offering to shave my legs for me, since I was unable to bend to do it at the time. There are no words to describe how I feel right now.  Im ...shellshocked.  I cant imagine how this could have happened.  Not to him! He was so strong, so big and vibrant.  A friend to everyone he ever met, and just a good guy.  When the shock wears off, I will cry for the life he should have had.


There is a new star in the heavens, and I will never forget you, Marc.



10/1/2014 6:12:11 AM
Only those who care about you can hear you when youre quiet.

10/1/2014 1:29:31 AM
Im feeling ranty. Im just so annoyed! I want what I want, and theres nothing wrong with that. It pisses me off when someone thinks that they know better than I do, what I want or tries to make me do things that are not in my nature.

9/29/2014 7:51:11 AM
“Pain is the feeling. Suffering is the effect the pain inflicts. If one can endure pain, one can live without suffering. If one can withstand pain, one can withstand anything. If one can learn to control pain, one can learn to control oneself. ” ~ Buddha


9/29/2014 3:54:57 AM
When your Dom/me pushes you to the edge, trust Him/Her fully, because only two things can happen.  Either S/He will catch you when you fall, or S/He will teach you how to fly.

9/29/2014 2:01:51 AM
Are you really happy, or just really comfortable??

9/26/2014 9:47:43 PM
*sigh*

I miss you, and I haven't even met you yet.

Fall is my favorite time of year, and I always feel extra bummed if I dont have anyone special to share it with.

9/26/2014 1:28:38 AM
Hooray my new bluetooth earpiece arrived today! Now I can pick up calls in the car, if Im waiting for something important. Also, Im thankful for any helpful tips on working with these things that you guys have....

9/25/2014 9:41:18 PM
"Embrace the glorious mess that you are."

~ Elizabeth Gilbert

9/25/2014 8:59:13 PM
You can love them,
                  forgive them,
                          want good things for them
                               ...but still move on without them.

                                                              ~Mandy Hale

9/25/2014 8:30:02 PM
"Wait for the person who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical, the kind of person who brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person ; wait for the person who will be your best friend , the only person who will drop everything to be with you at any time no matter what the circumstances, for the person who makes you smile like no one else and when they smile you know they need you. Wait for the person who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats and a tee shirt, but appreciates it when you get dressed up for them. And most of all, wait for the person who will put you up at the center of their universe, because that’s where you belong."
 

9/24/2014 1:08:39 AM
You are safe with me.  Shhhh....  Whenever you get scared, just look into my eyes, take the hand that Im offering you, and trust that I know the way to peace.

9/23/2014 11:36:56 AM
If there ever was a time when I felt an intense, unrelenting need to have a Daddy, it was this morning. A cardinal person in my life died this weekend, and I hadn't allowed myself to feel it. Then there was another large personal upheaval last night and my reaction was blind fury.

In my heart, I longed for a big, broad shouldered and sturdy body to be with me, and large comforting hands to usher me into the shelter of His lap so that He could soothe me with loves and understanding.

Unfortunately, I do not have my own Daddy yet, though I believe that He is out there looking for me. Fortunately, I have a wonderful Male friend who stepped in and knew just the right words to say to help me. His words were a balm to my soul, and helped spur a good, cathartic cry for my loss and the upheaval. Thank You :-)

Friends are irreplaceable to me. Kindred friends are priceless beyond compare.

9/23/2014 3:19:36 AM
"Well, I always know what I want.  And when you know what you want - you go toward it.  Sometimes you go very fast, and sometimes only an inch a year.  Perhaps you feel happier when you go fast.  I dont know.  I've forgotten the difference long ago, because it really doesn't matter, so long as you move.”

Ayn Rand, We the Living

9/22/2014 11:51:06 PM
I finally did something for myself tonight that I have needed to do for years, but couldnt bring myself to do because I have such a tender heart. 

Well, no more.  The last tangible 'string' between us is severed. You are no longer welcome in my life, nor will I reply to any form of your attempts at contact (usually only because you want something from me).  Your days of leeching off of me are OVER. 

Im FREE!!!

Im moving into 2015 completely unfettered, and not held down by the weight of you around my neck, dragging me deeper and deeper into the muck and mire that you prefer to live in, further and further from ME. 

Im FREE!!!

9/21/2014 9:18:16 PM
It is so annoying when people refuse to read my profile, and insist on asking me all of the questions that I answered on my profile because they are so frequently asked.  I prefer that people read my profile first, and use the information provided as a jumping off point, to start off conversations, etc.  Thats why I put the FAQ on my profile - that way, we have more time for an actual conversation, rather than wasting time going over the same questions dozens of times.


9/21/2014 2:48:13 AM
The sweat.
The time.
The devotion.

It pays off.

9/21/2014 1:38:25 AM
"One day
She realized that She was the only one
who could live Her life.
So She decided
to stop worrying about what other people thought
and start following Her own path.
She never looked back."

~ Anna Taylor


9/20/2014 1:25:11 AM
Every little girl wants to know that her Daddy thinks she's a princess.

9/19/2014 10:21:48 PM
I didnt think Id ever have to say this, but FELLAS:

If you tell a woman that she is old, you are never going to have a chance at the contents of her panties.

If you, for aaaaaaaany hairbrained reason, decide to tell her "Thats why you're still seeking," about ANYTHING, ...you are never going to have a chance at the contents of her panties.

Both will likely result in you being blocked, and any further communications from you never being seen.

Seriously??

9/19/2014 9:36:34 PM
"Sometimes someone comes into your life who changes everything. Raises the standards, makes you laugh, and makes you feel like you.  There is something about them that you can't put into words and even though you're not with them, you don't want to let them go."

~Unknown

9/18/2014 9:40:35 PM
Me again, here with a helpful notice. 

If you are currently married, engaged, poly, bi, or trans Im not ever going to be interested in you as a partner for me.

If you are Gorean, I am never going to be interested in you as a partner for me.

If you are more than 5 years younger, or 8 years older than I am, I am not ever going to be interested in you as a partner for me.

If you are LYING about your age, or anything else, and I catch you? I wont ever acknowledge your presence again because you blew it.

If you choose to indulge in smoking, recreational drug use, or alcoholism, I am not ever going to be interested in you as a partner for me.

If you dont live IN LAS VEGAS Nevada FULL TIME, I am not interested in you as a partner for me.

If you are only interested in one of my sides, I will never, EVER be interested in you as a partner for me.

If you dont know what a sapiosexual is, and you ARENT one? I will never be interested in you as a partner for me.

If you spell sexy T-H-I-N, then I have no interest in you, and you will have none in me.


If any of these applies to you, please pass my profile and dont contact me.

9/17/2014 7:32:59 PM
Intimacy is not purely physical.

Its the act of connecting with someone so deeply, you feel like you can see inside their soul.

9/17/2014 2:46:13 AM
I was looking sexy, feeling sexy and had a GREAT night tonight!

I got to have my first Philly cheese steak, and on my way home I stopped to get Thrifty's ice cream at the gas station. 

The clerk was a gorgeous chocolate morsel, and we flirted back and forth.  I paid for a single scoop of my favorite Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream, and he decided he was going to give me a free scoop of Blueberry Cheesecake ice cream too.  Heaven in my mouth, I tell you!

I tipped him well, thanked him, and promised he would see me again :)  Now my belly is full of ice cream, and I am as happy as a cat in a cornfield :)

9/16/2014 8:05:39 PM
“When you start to really know someone, all his physical characteristics start to disappear. You begin to dwell in his energy, recognize the scent of his skin. You see only the essence of the person, not the shell. That's why you can't fall in love with beauty. You can lust after it, be infatuated by it, want to own it. You can love it with your eyes and body but not your heart. And that's why, when you really connect with a person's inner self, any physical imperfections disappear, become irrelevant.”

Lisa Unger


9/16/2014 4:49:59 PM
"I just love bossy women.  I could be around them all day.  To me, bossy is not a perjorative term at all.  It means Somebody's passionate and engaged and ambitious and doesn't mind leading."

~Amy Poehler

9/16/2014 3:03:10 PM
So, a couple years ago I bought this pair of jeans that were too small, but they were super cheap because the button was loose.  They were put away until recently, when I discovered that I could fit them (YAY!)  Sadly, when I got home today, the button gave a little pop, and broke off. 

I was going to call the Alterations place to see how much they would charge, when I remembered that I bought a little package of do-it-yourself jeans buttons and stowed them in my sewing kit about a year ago.  To the sewing kit, I ran!!

Five seconds after I got the package open, I had a lovely new button installed on my jeans, and I couldnt be happier.  That was so easy!! Now I wish I hadnt thrown away my silverwash Levi's capris before I had the button repair kit. 

Also, tried Gel polish manicure for the first time today (at home).  It was a more detailed process than regular polish, but I LOVE the sleek look, and cant stop admiring how glossy and gorgeous they are...hehe.

Thirdly, I found three bags of catfood, each with a dollar off coupon on it at the store today.  Mine! :)

9/16/2014 12:01:16 AM
Make a conscious effort to surround yourself with positive, nourishing and UPLIFTING PEOPLE - people who believe in you, encourage you to go after your dreams, and applaud your victories.

~Jack Canfield

9/14/2014 11:34:25 PM
So, should I mourn and gnash my teeth that you unfriended me?  Im sorry, but all I feel is sweet, blessed relief.  I feel like I have been freed of the fetters that have kept me stuck, an unwilling party to your craziness for the last 15 years.  I dont know what goes through your mind anymore.  Your illness has taken you over to the point that I no longer recognize the person that I used to know and love like a sister. 

You probably think that I deserted you, and that is not true.  I still love you and want the best for you.  I simply couldnt stand by any longer and watch you destroy yourself and the life of your poor son, as he gets dragged through each of your suicide 'attempts', your psych lockups, your firings, your poverty due to refusal to be financially responsible,  and all the while, he is forced to live your skewed sense of reality with no one to help him because you refuse to help yourself.  Hes a child, and hes lost his childhood because you are too selfish to be the adult you NEED to be.  Therefore, I had to step away from you, from your lifestyle, from your stress and the stress that you cause me.  I had to stop all types of communication with you.  No more replying to your texts, no more answering your constant barrage of daily phonecalls and I had to sever the other tangible threads of communication we once shared. 

I didnt intend it to be more than temporary, but you refused to allow me to have the time I told you I needed to myself without your constant interference.  And so, the clock started over, and over.  And I realized that my life is more peaceful without you in it.  I discovered that instead of missing you, and the daily stress of having to deal with your insanity, I felt like I could breathe fully, something which I didnt know that I wasnt doing until I experienced the absence of you in my life.


I was forced to make this decision BY you and your actions.  I saw that I was not helping you in any way by enabling your behavior and giving you reason to believe that you didnt need to get the help that you so badly do, indeed, need.  You have no idea how hard it was for me to come to terms with this (total extinction) blackout of our friendship. 

I have made myself physically ill for the last time, worrying over you because you insist on staying sick, and not doing the things that you have been told many times will keep you healthy.  Worrying because your son is likely to be taken from you, as your daughter already was.

The last straw for me was this Spring, when I was in a vulnerable position and you knowingly took advantage of me, causing me stress and aggravation (when you were well aware that I needed to be avoiding such things) only to suit your own selfish demands.

I am absolutely done allowing you to try to make me feel bad for feeling happy, well adjusted, and satisfied with the life that I have had to WORK to keep.  You have thrown a fit of jealousy for the last time over my dating life, my love life, my family life, and every other aspect of my life that you envy.  You need to realize that you can have these things too!  You need to realize that YOU possess the secrets to you having a happy life. 

Someday, I hope that you go get the help that you so badly need, get your medications adjusted and STAY ON THEM.  And when that time comes, maybe you and I can be friends again.  Until then,  I am so glad to be free.

9/14/2014 10:55:21 PM
Some family trees have beautiful leaves, and some just have a bunch of nuts.

Remember, it is the nuts that make the tree worth shaking.

~ Author Unknown

9/14/2014 7:26:29 PM
http://www.tickld.com/x/the-best-amazon-review-ever-this-man-is-hilarious

If you want to see something funny, give that a read :)

9/12/2014 1:41:17 AM
I crave you
in the most innocent form.
I crave to say
goodnight and give you forehead kisses
and to say that I adore you
when you feel at your worst.
I crave you
where I just want to
be next to you
and nothing more, or less.

Ownership NOT mine.

9/11/2014 8:30:55 PM
How Did The Fight Start?? (not my story)

I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get sooooooo stressed and the little things just seem funny??

Yeah, ... well I couldnt believe it, but he was a DWARF!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"  So, I looked down at him and asked, "Well then, which one are you?""

And that's how the fight started.....

9/10/2014 8:50:40 PM
Just because something ended doesn't mean that it shouldn't have been.  You lived, learned and grew; now you move on.

9/10/2014 11:26:32 AM
Fact: Kissing Gingers is good for your health.

9/10/2014 12:44:56 AM
I know I'm a handful, but that's what you've got two hands for!

9/9/2014 10:27:52 PM
Despite all the bad days and the mean people, I still believe in good days and kind people.  Plus, there are always cats and chocolate :D

9/9/2014 5:02:24 PM
A woman without curves is like jeans without pockets: You dont know where to put your hands.

9/7/2014 7:46:25 PM
If I tell you I need you, do not take it lightly.  I do everything I can to never have to depend on anyone, to never show weakness, and if I say that I need you, it means that I am trusting you to catch me when I fall.

9/7/2014 7:06:21 PM
Growth
is Painful

Change

is Painful

But
Nothing is as Painful as
Staying Stuck Where You Dont Belong

9/6/2014 10:52:53 PM


I love
the Woman I've become
because
I fought to become Her.

9/5/2014 10:40:51 PM
"Perhaps, the problem is not the intensity of your love, but the quality of people you are loving."

~Warsan Shire

9/5/2014 4:57:30 PM
When you do something beautiful and nobody noticed, do not be sad.  For the sun every morning is a beautiful spectacle, and yet most of the audience still sleeps.

~John Lennon

9/4/2014 10:12:09 PM
I am so melancholy right now.

Today was a really great day, and then tonight, the door to the Past opened a crack. It was wonderful and I am so glad for it, but in that shaft of light, I saw memories which I could not resist going through again.  It was like rediscovering past pain of the emotional kind.  I just dont know how long until the bruise heals this time.

Now I feel all goopy and mopey. Im here wishing that I had someplace to go, to get my brain disengaged so that I dont continually linger on these painful memories.  I want hugs, handholding, snuggling, and maybe some baked macaroni for the comfort.

*Sigh*

9/4/2014 8:09:17 PM
Bitchcraft: The art of pissing people off by telling   them the truth. 

9/4/2014 12:05:09 AM
When you find people who not only tolerate your quirks but celebrate them with glad cries of, 'Me too!', be sure to cherish them.  Because, those weirdos are your tribe. :)

9/3/2014 12:43:05 PM
Fannie Flagg once said, "Being a successful person is not necessarily defined by what you have achieved, but by what you have overcome.

Well, I think many of us, especially in this lifestyle, have grown into extremely successful people.  What a wise woman. 

It is my personal opinion that people are like steel, in that we have to be subjected to the hottest fires in order to become the emotionally strongest and most resilient person/instrument that we can be. Bring on the flames!!! 

9/3/2014 12:05:01 PM
Love is like a fart.

       If you have to force it, it's probably crap.

9/2/2014 6:44:04 PM
Where does it say we have to 'act' our age?

As long as it makes me happy, and Im not hurting anyone nonconsentually, I will act whatever age I want to!

8/19/2014 4:57:48 PM
GRRRRRRR....  tooth pain :(

I wish it would hurry up and rain so that maybe my body would stop aching.  Its so cloudy, and there are huge, surprise wind gusts all today.

I spent all yesterday afternoon at the tire store, and all this morning at the auto shop, but now my tires are all aired up, and my driver side cv boot/axle is new :)

Fruit for lunch.

8/18/2014 8:01:56 PM
Thank you soooo much for perving my straight female profile with a picture of a nasty gaping and misshapen meat curtain as your main profile pic. Barf. Seriously, there isn't enough bleach in the world.

8/17/2014 4:07:30 AM
"Its no mystery; I've obviously got the flu, and suddenly developed rapid onset Tourette's Syndrome." - Amy, Big Bang Theory Life is going pretty well, all things considered :-)

4/14/2014 6:57:44 PM

Soooo, you think you can hurt my friend? You think you can choke her out, punch her, scream that youre going to kill her, in front of her 9 year old daughter and scare the wits out of both of them??

 

You better HOPE they keep you locked up where you're safe.


3/11/2014 3:42:19 AM

"And suddenly you know: it's time to start something new & trust the magic of beginnings"

 

~Meister Eckhart


3/9/2014 9:03:25 PM

"Accept what is,

     Let go of what was,

and have faith in

     What will be."


       ~ author Sonia Ricotti


3/6/2014 12:07:59 AM

Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed.  Maybe they need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with them.

 

 

Hmm...interesting thought.


3/4/2014 5:47:45 PM

Winston Churchill said, "Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip."

 

Bravo, Sir. 


2/3/2014 5:12:39 PM

"Say Something" by A Great Big World

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere, I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere, I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye

Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
And anywhere, I would have followed you
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something


Songwriters
AXEL, IAN / VACCARINO, CHAD / CAMPBELL, MIKE


1/25/2014 9:46:15 PM

 

"Pieces" by Red

I'm here again
A thousand miles away from you
A broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am
I tried so hard
Thought I could do this on my own
I've lost so much along the way

Then I see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole

I've come undone
But you make sense of who I am
Like puzzle pieces in your hand,

Then I see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole!

I tried so hard! So hard!
I tried so hard!

Then I see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole
So you can make me whole


1/24/2014 12:43:05 AM

Apocalyptica - Not Strong Enough

 

I'm not strong enough to stay away
I Can't run from you
I'd just run back to you
Like a moth I'm drawn into your flame
You say my name but it's not the same
You look in my eyes
I'm stripped of my pride
And my soul surrenders
And you bring my heart to its knees

And it's killing me when you're away
And I wanna leave
And I wanna stay
And I'm so confused
So hard to choose between the pleasure and the pain
And I know it's wrong
And I know it's right
And even if I tried to win the fight
My heart would overrule my mind
And I'm not strong enough to stay away

I'm not strong enough to stay away
What can I do
I would die without you
In your presence my heart knows no shame
I'm not to blame
'Cause you bring my heart to its knees

And it's killing me when you're away
And I wanna leave
And I wanna stay
And I'm so confused
So hard to choose between the pleasure and the pain
And I know it's wrong
And I know it's right
And even if I tried to win the fight
My heart would overrule my mind
And I'm not strong enough to stay away

There's nothing I can do
My heart is chained to you
And I can't get free
Look what this love has done to me

'Cause it's killing me when you're away
And I wanna leave
And I wanna stay
And I'm so confused
So hard to choose between the pleasure and the pain
And I know it's wrong
And I know it's right
And even if I tried to win the fight
My heart would overrule my mind
And I'm not strong enough to stay away


1/15/2014 4:37:04 PM

Come closer...listen well, cause this is something I have NEVER said before.....

 

Are you comfy??  Make sure you're sitting down, cause this is pretty wild!

 

 

 

 

 

 

I went to the dentist today, and I ENJOYED MYSELF!! SERIOUSLY.  I had two fillings done, and I walked out with a smile on my face.  I know, wild! I told you...typically, I am terrified of Dentists, but this guy is some kind of Dental God.  He did my two fillings without a single shot!  I have two more appointments with him coming up and dare I say, I am kinda looking forward to it!  The smile says it all...he is worth every penny.  Happy girl :)


1/10/2014 10:42:14 PM

I have no time for liars, nor frauds.  So, if you make up a terrible, dramatic and obviously fake story about why you absolutely couldnt make our engagement not once, but twice?? Its so long, the sooner the better for you.  I dont suffer fools.  UGH.  Lets be adults here.  If you are going to play games with me, quit before you start because you wont get anywhere with me.


1/9/2014 4:56:54 AM

Beyond the Stars

Help me
Surrender my control
Searching for the death of my own soul
I bleed, but far beneath
My cover keeps the red from leaking
I'm bleeding on the inside
The fear before the fall
I'm 6 feet above the next time
I lose it all!

Keep your silence or
Reach for life beyond the stars
Save your mercy
For someone who needs it more
I'm the guilty
All the feelings come crashing down on me
I'm taking you with me

Help me
I'm losing on my own
Locked up in a cage
And not alone
Show me a way to keep
The hate from taking
Control I'm breaking
I'm bleeding on the inside
The fear before the fall
I'm 6 feet above the next time
I lose it all!

Taking you with me
I'm the guilty
All the feelings
Come crashing down on me
I'm taking you with me
I'm taking you with me


~Evans Blue


Look them up, they are GOOOOOOOD.


12/13/2013 9:15:32 AM

Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to a sex therapist who promised to only take their case if he knew he could help them. After hours of tests, he agreed he could help. He told them to stop at the store on the way home and buy donuts and grapes. Mrs. Smith was to toss the donuts at Mr.Smith's erection and eat the ones that stayed on. Mr.Smith was to roll the grapes across the floor and eat the ones that became lodged in Mrs. Smith's love canal.

A few weeks later, the Jones came to see ...the doctor. "Our friends the Smiths told us to come to you." they said.

The doctor ran the tests and came back to the Jonses. He told them he was sorry but there was just nothing he could do. The Jonses said "You helped the Smiths, why won't you help us?"

After continued begging from the Jonses, the doc said "ok, ok ... stop by the market on the way home and buy a box of Cheerios and a bag of oranges."


12/13/2013 7:58:33 AM

Crazy Girl

Baby why you wanna cry?
You really oughta know that I
Just have to walk away sometimes

We're gonna do what lovers do
We're gonna have a fight or two
But I ain't ever changing my mind

Crazy girl, don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of going nowhere
Silly woman come here let me hold you
Have I told you lately I love you like crazy, girl?

I wouldn't last a single day
I'd probably just fade away
Without you I'd lose my mind

Before you ever came along
I was living life all wrong
The smartest thing I ever did was make you all mine

Crazy girl, don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of going nowhere
Silly woman, come here let me hold you
Have I told you lately I love you like crazy, girl?
Like crazy, girl

Crazy girl, don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of going nowhere
Silly woman come here let me hold you
Have I told you lately I love you like

Crazy girl, don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of going nowhere
Silly woman come here let me hold you
Have I told you lately I love you like crazy, girl?

Like crazy
Crazy girl
Like crazy
Crazy girl

~Eli Young Band

Songwriters
ROSE, LIZ / BRICE, LEE


12/8/2013 6:57:27 PM

You're the Father of One of my Kids

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.

He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"...

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

"No, I'm your son's teacher."


12/7/2013 3:18:08 PM

The ranch hand
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.  He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.  Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.  "Now take off my skirt."  He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.  "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
 I didn't see it coming either.....


12/7/2013 10:40:24 AM

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

 

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, ...she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.


Now completely nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..."


12/6/2013 8:56:16 AM

Oh the weather outside is frightful,

       but this Girl inside's delightful

And since you've no place to go,

       Let her blow, let her blow, let her blow...

 

 

Now THATS some Christmas music :)


12/5/2013 11:23:46 PM

Pardon me, Im LMGDAO...

 

If you think your life is bad, how would you like to be an egg?

You get laid once in life.

You only get eaten once in life.

It takes 4 minutes to get hard, but only 2 minutes to get soft.

You share your box with 11 other guys.

Worst of all the only chick who ever sat on your face was your mother.


Pass this to someone who needs a good lay, sorry I mean day.


12/5/2013 6:11:06 AM

                                       Sunday Morning Sex

  Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

  Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

  She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

  If you do not laugh at this, then you are seriously depressed, make a doctor's appointment. I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.


12/4/2013 10:21:17 PM

"If I Run"

My heart has arrived,
Love lives in your eyes
And I need to know
What you see in mine.
I've been shattered and healed
Searching for something that's real,
Where do you stand? How do you feel?

If I run, will you run after me?
If I walk, will you wait patiently?
If I fall, will you have sympathy?
If I run, if I run
Will you run after me?

I've dreamed of a place,
Of white satin and lace,
Black on a tie,
And cake on my face,
Wicker rocking chairs,
Salt and peppered hair,
When that day comes round
Will you still be there?

If I run, will you run after me?
If I walk, will you wait patiently?
If I fall, will you have sympathy?
If I run, if I run
Will you run after me?
Ooh yeah

If I run, oh if I, if I, if I run,
If I run, will you run after me?
If I walk, will you wait patiently?
If I fall, will you have sympathy?
If I run, If I run, If I run, If I run,
If I run, will you run after me?
If I walk, will you wait patiently?
If I fall, will you have sympathy?
If I run, If I run,
Will you run after me?
Ooh yeah

Ooh my heart has arrived.

~The Harters

12/4/2013 12:35:44 AM

Seriously???

 

Ok, clearly some of us need a refresher lesson in nettiquette.  Perhaps even in common everyday ettiquette.

 

Please read my profile before you message me.  Please note that I am not looking for a partner at this time.  Also, I do not play casually.  Therefore, emailing me to ask if I am discreet, or if Ive ever "dommed a Domme" will get your delightful missives deleted with haste.

 

Please note that if I am interested, I will do the asking.  This includes trying to add me to your friends lists, and "admiring me" without ever having taken the time to message me first, and oh, you know, get to KNOW ME.  I thought that it was common sense that if you dont know me, Im not your friend.  Im not going to add you back.  Im going to continue to block you.  Please step to the left, and allow me to continue enjoying NOT being pestered.

 

And for you stubborn, rude people who cant bother to do any of the above and yet continue to wonder why, oh WHY, I never replied to you?? Heeeres your sign.


12/1/2013 7:55:32 PM

In today's chapter of "The Single Woman's Foray into Dating in Today's World", I have THIS charming tidbit to report.

 

I was approached and told, "Wow...love a hot redhead.  What do I have to do to get to have a hot sensual night with you??"

 

I resisted the strong urge to immediately utter the first thought that entered my mind, which was: "Set yourself on fire, and hope like hell that Im your ER nurse." 


...Cause really?? Im classier than that.  But Im still in disbelief that a tired old line like that actually still WORKS for anybody.  Yikes...


11/27/2013 12:38:40 AM

So, Im single again.  After two and a half years, and the last 8 months of sheer unadulterated boredom and unhappiness, I am finally single.

 

It feels strange.  I dont feel like I even know how to relate to men anymore. 


10/25/2011 11:45:20 PM

Testicle Therapy

 

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

 

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him. "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

 

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

 

 

"Feels great," he replied, "but I still think my thumb's broken!"


8/31/2011 12:14:21 PM
A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "t-g-i-f" He smiled at her and replied, "s-h-i-t." She looked puzzled and repeated, "t-g-i-f." More slowly he answered, "s-h-i-t." The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "t-g-i-f." The man smiled back to her and once again, "s-h-i-t." The exasperated blonde decided to explain that "t-g-i-f" means "thank goodness it's Friday." The man answered, "s-h-i-t means - sorry honey, it's Thursday."

8/18/2011 7:02:39 PM

An octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play ANY musical instrument going." An Englishman gives him a guitar which he plays better than Hendrix. An Irishman gives him a piano which he plays better than Elton John. Then a Scotsman throws him a set of bag pipes. The Octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes and the Scotsman says "Whats wrong can ye no play it?" The Octopus replies "Play it? - I am gonna screw her brains out once I get her pajamas off!!!


7/11/2011 1:53:26 PM
Ohhh hellz to the yeah!!! MEN IN HEAVEN When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise , God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line is for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter." Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man. God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him." God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?" The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here".

6/8/2011 3:01:49 PM

For a change, I thought I would post a short rant.

 

Home Owners Associations are the bane of my existance. And mine in particular seems to be run by people who dont wanna do anything at all. When I call you and report that there are lights out on the property and it has become unsafe to traverse between the mailbox and my front door, up and down stairs, to my car and back, or just out for a walk, the correct thing for you to do is WRITE IT DOWN, SEND IT TO THE MAINTENANCE MAN and GET IT FIXED. Not to sit there and try to pry all of my personal information out of me. Quite simply, you DONT NEED IT.  You only need to know what the maintenance need is, and where.  Not where I am!!!

 

*stomps off*


5/29/2011 11:16:37 PM
Shampoo alert! As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read my shampoo bottle. I am in shock! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my entire body says "for extra volume and body"! Seriously, why have I not noticed this before? Now I understand why I am so "full-figured"! Tomorrow I am going to start using "Dawn" dish soap. It says right on the label "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove." It pays to read the warning labels!

5/17/2011 2:24:00 PM
The Bathing Suit

When I was a child in the 1950’s, the bathing suit for the mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered.  They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice, she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have?  I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as “
the fitting room.”  The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material.  The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks.  Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!

Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit.  It took a while to find the other.  At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups.  The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump.  I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fitted all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it.  The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides.  I looked like a lump of Play-Doh wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.  I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a napkin ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit.  It was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top.  It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it.  My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.

When I got it home, I found a label, hidden on it, that read, "Material might become transparent in water."

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too - I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!

You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time.  Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain, with or without a bathing suit!

3/16/2011 3:27:35 PM
HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT? You have to try this, it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe this!!! It is from an orthopedic surgeon... This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't. It's pre-programmed in your brain! 1. Without anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY...) and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles. 2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction. I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so. Send it to your friends to frustrate them too!

7/8/2010 11:28:07 AM

New RuleStop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com

!  There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn. 

New RuleDon't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?


New Rule:?Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule:There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.


New RuleThe more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New RuleI'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. 

New RuleJust because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule:Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait! They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New RuleI don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.


New RuleNo more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Ruleand this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael.. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New RuleWhen I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"


7/8/2010 11:20:14 AM
This is hilarious!!! Remember this the next time you need to return something and they are giving you a hard time!!!!!!! 


 
A woman went to the service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. 

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, 

  
'PINCH MY NIPPLES, 
 PINCH MY NIPPLES, 

 PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!'
 

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager 
In front of a growing crowd of customers. 
  

The manager comes to the woman and asks,'Ma'am what's wrong?' 
She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. 

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,
 

 
'PINCH MY NIPPLES, 
 PINCH MY NIPPLES, 

 PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!'  


Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd! 


In shock, the store manager pleads, 
'Ma'am, why are you saying that?' ! ; 

 

In a huff, the woman says,


 


'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED !!'
 

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!! 


7/5/2010 3:44:16 PM
Rules for Buying Gifts for Men

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word
ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet? OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8- inch socket yet? Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99- cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldnt have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out.If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. Im told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says some assembly required on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent mens stores. It doesnt matter if he doesnt know what it is. From NAPA Auto,eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isnt this a starter for a 68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.

Rule #11
Men enjoy danger. Thats why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?

Rule #12:
Tickets to a Patriots game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts. Everyone knows why.

Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you dont know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14:
Its hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8 manilla rope. No one knows why.

7/1/2010 11:02:15 PM
Subject: LAWN MOWER VS ELECTRIC FENCE

 

If you have ever used an electric fence you should read this. Or even if you haven't.  The language used is a bit smutty and/or coarse, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing. This was written by a retired dentist.

 

We have the standard 6  ft. Fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing  dramatically in the entire city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. Long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard.

I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences .... But Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die ... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's

Right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day ... He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas.

It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.


6/24/2010 4:45:45 PM
 NEVER CHEAT ON A COUNTRY WOMAN!

A Country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood,lifting sacks of feed,and bales of hay,she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.

She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope, you are! I'm gonna burn down the Barn!!!"


6/10/2010 8:56:08 PM
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now...

4/28/2010 8:23:55 AM
A Jack Daniels Fishing Story:
 
     I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.
 
      Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
 
      Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without
 getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in it's mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
 
      A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
 
     Life is good in the South.


4/28/2010 6:38:16 AM

Please read!!! Passed along by Police Department and Courthouse....

Several things to be aware of this year...as gangs and robbers are now
plotting different ways to get a person to "stop" their vehicle. Please send to your friends.


Please note: There is a gang initiation reported by the local police department that gangs are placing a car seat by the road...with a fake baby in it... waiting for a woman, of course, to stop and check on the baby. Note that the location of this car seat will usually be beside a wooded or grassy (field) area .....and the person - woman - will be dragged into the woods- beaten and raped- usually left for dead.

DO NOT STOP. DIAL
9-1-1 AND INFORM THEM.....

IF YOU ARE DRIVING AT NIGHT AND EGGS ARE THROWN AT YOUR WINDSHIELD, DO NOT OPERATE THE WIPER AND SPRAY ANY WATER BECAUSE EGGS MIXED WITH
WATER BECOME MILKY AND BLOCK YOUR VISION UP TO 92.5% SO YOU ARE FORCED TO STOP BESIDE THE ROAD AND BECOME A VICTIM OF ROBBERS. THIS IS A NEW TECHNIQUE USED BY ROBBERS. PLEASE INFORM YOUR FRIENDS AND RELATIVES.

4/20/2010 5:00:56 AM
Irish Virginity Test

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, "Well, you need three things from a Do-it-Yourself" shop.  A can of red paint, a can of blue paint...... and a shovel."

Paddy asked, "And what do I do with these, Doc?"

The Doc replied, "Before the weddin' night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.  If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen,' You hit her with the shovel!"



4/17/2010 1:16:34 AM
Actual instruction sign posted at a golf club...  
 (Much needed sign)  

1.  BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.  

2..  FORM A LOOSE GRIP.

3.  KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!  

4.  AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.  

5.  STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
 
6.  TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

7..  IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.  

8.  DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.  

9.  QUIET PLEASE .... WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.  

10.  DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE!  NOW .....
 

FLUSH THE URINAL, WASH YOUR HANDS, GO OUTSIDE AND TEE OFF

4/14/2010 10:05:46 PM
Thought Provoking Statements

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to
immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when
you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap
when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the h--- are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm
pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you
how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a
moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything
productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue
Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and
it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper
that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never
wash this - ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello?
Hello? , but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times
and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the
phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and
then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I
know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given
Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was
younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on
when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in
each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm
trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between
boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you
just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word
they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of
cars team up to prevent an A-hole from cutting in at the front. Stay
strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never
get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber
every year?

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure
you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate
drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate
cyclists.

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times
and still not know what time it is.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating
their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the
Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet  everyone can find and push the
snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first
time, every time!

4/10/2010 1:55:38 AM
4bb4a2a0.jpg

4/8/2010 5:26:54 PM
HOLY EMAIL

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. 

When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and
 only 5% are not..

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second 
angel to get another opinion.'


So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.


When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth 
is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.' 


God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going..


Do you know what the e-mail said?



Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.

4/4/2010 1:02:46 AM

Chicken Wire

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.

He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

"Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just

laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy
walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by,
trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long
reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a pussy willow."

"Wait up...I'll get my hat."

 
 
 
 

4/3/2010 7:52:34 PM
If you are 30, or older, you might think this is hilarious! 

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning....
 Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways… yadda, yadda, yadda 

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay
a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.  You've got it so easy!  I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! 
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!


I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet.  If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
 

There was no email!!  We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!
 Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there!  Stamps were 10 cents! 

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us.  As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!


There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes!  If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!


Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!  There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car..  We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby!  Dig?


We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting!  If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!


There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!!  Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!!  And then there's TEXTING.  Yeah, right.  Please!  You kids have no idea how annoying you are.


And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was!  It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!!  You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!


We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics!  We
 had the Atari 2600!  With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'.  Your screen guy was a little square!  You actually had to use your imagination!!!  And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever!  And you could never win.  The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!  Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing!  You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!!  NO REMOTES!!!  Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!


There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning.  Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait
ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!

And we didn't have microwaves.  If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove!  Imagine that!
 
 And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long.  Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort.  And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!
 
 And car seats - oh, please!  Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on.  If you were luckily, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!   
 
 See!  That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten!  You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd
 



4/3/2010 7:39:48 PM
WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, LET ME!

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities
for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to
communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right,
so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up,and stuffed
pillows on her right.
 
  A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

  Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
 
  A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma,you're  Looking good! How are they treating you?"

 Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew.......

 "Bastards won't let me fart."

4/2/2010 8:54:29 PM
...To be 6 again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was

looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to
have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall
of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted.


He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six
again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna
get it wrong.

4/2/2010 8:52:17 PM
Happy Easter, Everybody!!

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.



He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately
the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.



The driver,
a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .



The driver feels so awful that he
begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the side of the road
and pulls over.



She steps out of the car and asks the man

"what's wrong?"



"I feel terrible," he explains,

"I accidentally hit the Easter
Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."



The blonde says,"Don't worry."



She runs to her car

and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny ,

bends down,

and sprays the contents onto him.



The Easter
Bunny jumps up,

waves its paw at the two of them

and hops off down the road.



Ten feet away he stops,

turns around and waves again,

he hops down the road another 10 feet,

turns and waves,



hops another ten feet,

turns and waves,



and repeats this again and again and again and
again,
until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands,



"What is in that can?

What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"

The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.



It says..



(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says,

"Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."

4/2/2010 8:50:57 PM
Prayer for Leroy

"Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the Preacher asks, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays. He prays a blue streak for Leroy and the whole congregation joins in with enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend. It ain't 'til next Wednesday."

4/2/2010 8:49:55 PM
No Toilet Paper

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bath- room.

She said yes.

When he went to wipe his fanny there was no toilet paper so, he used
his hand.

When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have in
your hand?"

The boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get
scared away."

He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"

The little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."

The principal got mad and yelled, "Open your hands NOW!"

He did and the little boy said, "Oh great , now look what you did, you scared the shit out of him!"

4/2/2010 8:48:25 PM
If it's true that some people make ya go hmmmmm, it's also true that some people make ya go "die! die! die! why wont you - oh, whoops...was I talking out loud?"

10/27/2009 3:44:17 PM
Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These . .

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always
died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am , regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it
had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.





Still Having a Bad Day?


The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the
Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two
of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild
amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a
killer whale ate them both.



Still think you are having a Bad Day?


A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen
shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire
running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him
away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking
his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to
his Walkman.


Are Ya OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty
of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two
thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding
madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
 

What? STILL having a Bad Day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage
on a letter bomb.  It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good!


There now, Feeling Better?

10/12/2009 2:12:08 AM
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face ... Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Just a couple of minutes ago
.....'

10/12/2009 2:09:59 AM
So you thought cucumbers were only for salad?

 This information was in The New York Times several weeks ago as part of their "Spotlight on the Home" series that highlighted creative and fanciful ways to solve common problems.
> 
>> 
> 1. Cucumbers contain most of the vitamins you need every day, just one cucumber contains Vitamin B1, Vitamin B2, Vitamin B3, Vitamin B5, Vitamin B6, Folic Acid, Vitamin C, Calcium, Iron, Magnesium, Phosphorus, Potassium and Zinc.
   > 2. Feeling tired in the afternoon, put down the caffeinated soda and pick up a cucumber.  Cucumbers are a good source of B Vitamins and Carbohydrates that can provide that quick pick-me-up that can last for hours.
> 
> 3. Tired of your bathroom mirror fogging up after a shower?  Try rubbing a cucumber slice along the mirror, it will eliminate the fog and provide a soothing, spa-like fragrance.
> 
> 4. Are grubs and slugs ruining your planting beds?  Place a few slices in a small pie tin and your garden will be free of pests all season long.  The chemicals in the cucumber react with the aluminum to give off a scent undetectable to humans but drive garden pests crazy and make them flee the area.
> 
> 5. Looking for a fast and easy way to remove cellulite before going out or to the pool?  Try rubbing a slice or two of cucumbers along your problem area for a few minutes, the phytochemicals in the cucumber cause the collagen in your skin to tighten, firming up the outer layer and reducing the visibility of cellulite.  Works great on wrinkles too!!!
> 
> 6. Want to avoid a hangover or terrible headache?  Eat a few cucumber slices before going to bed and wake up refreshed and headache free.  Cucumbers contain enough sugar, B vitamins and electrolytes to replenish essential nutrients the body lost, keeping everything in equilibrium, avoiding both a hangover and headache!!
> 
> 7. Looking to fight off that afternoon or evening snacking binge?  Cucumbers have been used for centuries and often used by European trappers, traders and explores for quick meals to thwart off starvation.
> 
> 8. Have an important meeting or job interview and you realize that you don't have enough time to polish your shoes?  Rub a freshly cut cucumber over the shoe, its chemicals will provide a quick and durable shine that not only looks great but also repels water.
> 
> 9. Out of WD 40 and need to fix a squeaky hinge?  Take a cucumber slice and rub it along the problematic hinge, and voila, the squeak is gone!
> 
> 10. Stressed out and don't have time for massage, facial or visit to the spa?  Cut up an entire cucumber and place it in a boiling pot of water, the chemicals and nutrients from the cucumber with react with the boiling water and be released in the steam, creating a soothing, relaxing aroma that has been shown the reduce stress in new mothers and college students during final exams.
> 
> 11. Just finish a business lunch and realize you don't have gum or mints?  Take a slice of cucumber and press it to the roof of your mouth with your tongue for 30 seconds to eliminate bad breath, the phytochemcials will kill the bacteria in your mouth responsible for causing bad breath.
> 
> 12. Looking for a 'green' way to clean your faucets, sinks or stainless steel?  Take a slice of cucumber and rub it on the surface you want to clean, not only will it remove years of tarnish and bring back the shine, but is won't leave streaks and won't harm you fingers or fingernails while you clean.
> 
> 13. Using a pen and made a mistake?  Take the outside of the cucumber and slowly use it to erase the pen writing, also works great on crayons and markers that the kids have used to decorate the walls!!
> 
> Pass this along to everybody you know who is looking for better and safer ways to solve life's everyday problems..
> 

10/3/2009 7:05:39 PM

 Thought you needed something to think about....

 PONDERISMS
 
 I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
 
 The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
 
 There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
 
 Life is sexually transmitted.
 
 Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
 
 The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
 
 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
 
 Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
 
 Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again
 
 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
 
 In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal
   
 Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
 
 Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

9/30/2009 4:23:10 PM

A blonde was shopping for a pair of shoes.  She fell in love with some alligator shoes that she saw in a magazine.  She found a similar pair at a snooty boutique, but the price was so exorbitant she just couldn't afford them.  After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the sales clerks, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'
  
The uppity clerk replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
 

Later in the day, as the salesman was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. 
  
As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming rapidly toward her..

With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead alligators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the alligator onto its back. 
 

Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration .....
  
"CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

9/21/2009 6:22:22 PM
The owner of a golf course was confused about
paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his
secretary for some mathematical help. He called
her into his office and said, 'You graduated from
the University of Tennessee and I need some help.
If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how
much would you take off?'

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied,

 'Everything but my earrings.'

9/4/2009 3:28:56 AM
awwwww look! I took another quizzy and this was my result.

Capricorn-The passionate Lover
Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Predict future. Irrestible, awesome kisser. Loves being in long relationships. Great talker. Always gets what he or she wants. BY FAR the BEST in BED. Very sexy. Coolest. Loves to own Gemini's in sports. Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Loves to be your first. So you'll never forget. Smart.

9/4/2009 2:50:18 AM
If You Forget Me by Pablo Neruda
I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine

9/3/2009 11:27:47 PM
Subject: Stimulus Check

Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive an Economic Stimulus payment.


This is a very exciting new program. I will explain it using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

• If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China.
• If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
• If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.
• If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala ..
• If you buy a car, it will go to Japan.
• If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
• If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1) spending it at yard sales, or
2) going to ball games, or
3) spending it on prostitutes, or
4) beer or
5) tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US)

I'm going to go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that I met at a yard sale and drink beer with her! Yay!


8/30/2009 4:15:03 PM
Naked Cowboy 
 
A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around
like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ....

 

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.  

 

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.
 


Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.
 


Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.. '
 


'And here I am.'
 


Son of a Gun.  Blonde Men do exist!!!

8/29/2009 2:54:38 PM

 A woman goes to her doctor's office, to discuss a strange development.
She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh.  They won't wash off, they won't scrape 
off, and they seem to be getting worse.
 
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back.
   
A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief,
it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, 'You're perfectly
healthy--there's no problem.  But I'm wondering, was your boyfriend that Harley guy in the
waiting room?'

The woman stammers, 'Why, Yes, but how did you know?'

'Tell him his earrings aren't real gold.'


8/27/2009 6:22:11 PM
Flat Tire

Yesterday I had a flat tire on I80.  I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of
 my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't believe!
They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my life-like men. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.
It wasn't long before a cop pulled up behind me.

He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the
 road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, 
"Hello-o-o-o- o-o, those are my emergency flashers!"

8/27/2009 6:21:04 PM

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.  For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts . 

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."  

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."


8/27/2009 1:55:46 PM

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.  One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.  

Noticing this, a  policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."      
 "Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.  "Where did you get all that money?  You didn't steal it, did you?"   
 "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next  to the football stadium parking lot.  On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden
It used to really tick me off.  Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?  So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.  

Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy!  Give me $20, or off it comes.'   
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop,laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"       
 
  "Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays.

8/20/2009 3:32:46 PM
style="font-size: 9pt;">A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan.

Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to
the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall
from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purpose.'

Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and
stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and
whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his
reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,
'Manicures, $20.00'.

'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the
slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled
out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need
When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly,
and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost
passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender
unit......which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.

8/19/2009 6:56:16 PM
Quickie in the Bushes

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel com es down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing..

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'

----------AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????

8/17/2009 2:56:13 PM
Apparently the American Medical Association has weighed in on the president's new health care package....

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

 The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

 In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.

8/17/2009 2:52:52 PM
TRAFFIC CAMERA
 
A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought  his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even  though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.  He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past  the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again.  He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was  laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

 Two weeks later, he got five traffic ticket letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.  Men!!

8/17/2009 2:51:54 PM
Laugh when you can, apologize when you should, let go of what you can't change, forgive quickly, take chances, give everything, and have no regrets.

8/13/2009 1:22:15 PM
It shouldnt be this difficult.

If you are female, dont contact me for more than friendship.

If you are married, dont contact me. 

If you are "unsure what you really want at this time," dont contact me.

If you cant get the knack of meaning what you say and saying what you mean, dont contact me.

If you arent actually kink, arent a Switch male, or only want a casual play partner, dont contact me.

If you dont live in MY CITY, dont contact me for anything other than friendship.

If you are old enough to be my father (or god help me, GRAND father) dont contact me.

If you need someone to complete your Asshole Games registration form and think I want to waste my time on you, think again; DONT contact me.

If you have more priorities in your life that come before me than items on a buffet line, dont contact me, and figure out how to simplify your life before trying to get into a serious relationship.

8/6/2009 4:29:51 PM
I'm the Man

 The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be the Man Of Your House."
 
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me
dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
 
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The f-cking funeral director would be my first
guess."

8/6/2009 11:24:41 AM

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: 


Men Are Just Happier People--

 

Your last name stays put.

 

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.  

You can never be pregnant.

Car mechanics tell you the truth...

 

The world is your urinal.

 

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

 

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

 

Same work, more pay.

 

Wrinkles add character.

 

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

 

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

 

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

 

You know stuff about tanks and engines. A ten-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

 

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.



Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck. 

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. 

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. 

No wonder men are happier.

7/29/2009 12:49:09 PM
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? 

2.  Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? 

4.
 If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? 

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? 

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? 

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing? 

8.
 Why do "tug" boats push their barges? 

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game"
when we are already there?

10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting? 

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"? 

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected? 

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites? 

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things? 

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds? 

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it? 

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 

18.
 If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? 

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control
when you know the batteries are dead? 

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase? 

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word? 

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? 

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one? 

27.Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?


7/23/2009 6:42:14 PM
Wow! Reading old journal entries (here and on my other journals) really helps me sometimes. 

I forget things, and when I go back and read my steely determination it refreshes me.

4/14/2008 6:06:35 PM
If you think for one second that because I am nice and fun most of the time that I am not capable of being severe and serious about standing up for myself, you are sorely mistaken.

I may be Switch, but it doesn't mean that I am not assertive.  I AM Domme.  I will not allow myself to be treated as a doormat

How dare you think that you can behave the way you did and just saunter back, without apologizing and go back to how it was?

I said "Goodbye," and I meant it.  There is no discussion after a period.

Here are the facts

You only strengthened me when you thought you were hurting me.  

I learned a valuable lesson and I will not forget it.





3/21/2008 5:12:22 PM
Ok, so whatever...

I opened myself up and let myself become vulnerable, and what did it get me?

I have more to learn.  More to show.  More to prove.  More to teach.  More to live.

2/9/2008 6:51:23 PM
So many things have changed since my last journal entry.

I arrived in Las Vegas and anticipated the arrival of my P.O.D. I unpacked everything and got settled into my gorgeous, spacious new condo and began learning how to say goodbye to the past and begin a new life for myself.

It was far from easy. And there were people along the way who did not understand and only wanted to take from me, but I persevered, emerging a stronger, wiser Woman.

At this point, I have had my heart broken a number of times, and unfortunately broken some as well. It is true, what they say; life is not about the chances we take but the ones we didn't.

I can't wait to see what 2008 holds for me.  Some may think it foolish, but I look forward to more ups and downs, because they all bring opportunities to learn more about myself. 

4/30/2006 8:58:29 PM

Hurry up, time! I want it to be June!


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helenlinda
 
 Age: 33
  New York