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i always thought something was wrong with me. All these people around me were living their lives for themselves, always doing whatever they wanted. In relationships, they had fights that boggled my mind. How could one be so selfish with their lover? It was a foreign concept to me.
In relationships, my only goal was to please my lover. i wanted her happy at all times. i would even sacrifice my own conveniences to make it that way. i would try to learn her emotions and reactions so as to better anticipate what she needed and when she needed it. Some women didn't know how to handle that. They said they couldn't be with a doormat (or minor variations on that) and left. Some women took advantage of me and even became unfaithful. And still i stayed until it was made clear to me i was a unwanted. i thought i was broken somehow.
Then i learned about "The Lifestyle." i thought, "oh...there's a name for what i am. And there's a place for what i am. i'm not broken. There's nothing wrong with me. i've just been in the wrong kind of relationship." i realised there ARE women out there who know how to handle what i am and how i am. What is more, they know how to bring it out of me and expose it to the light so that it may flourish and grow. They know how to induce its evolution into something deeper. Something more permanent. Into slavery.
i quickly learned that words like "kneel" and "surrender" and "submit" and "obey" stir something inside me. i think that something inside me is the real me, yearning to come out and be what i am. No hiding. No shame. Just obedience.
i look forward to learning more...
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