This isn't a post about experiencing disappointment when the person you meet in RT doesn't live up the expectations of the person you got to know online.  Instead it's going to be about how people are far more than the sum of their parts.  It's going to be about how you can really get to know someone through email and IM, yet still find surprises and new dimensions once in the flesh.  

It's a happy story with a sad ending.

A few weeks ago I met "A" on this site.  It started off innocently enough, just a couple of emails, you basic 'mutual admiration society' kinda stuff.   Then a funny thing happened and we discovered we had something in common.  It wasn't anything major, we just happened to have been in the same place at the same time.  But it was enough to go from strangers to interested.

Over the next couple of weeks, work and travel prevented us from getting together for a coffee or drink.  Instead, we filled our time with IMing, emailing and sending each other naughty pictures.

I was so into her..total puppy love..as she pressed all the right buttons for me, I was for her as well.

The day finally arrived.  I was nervous and excited waiting for her at the cafe.  Watching her walk in the door, something seemed…off.  But I had already convinced myself that we were a good fit and this was going to be good.  She sat down across from me, and she was just as pretty and sexy as before.   Then we tried our best to pick-up where we had left it before.  But something just wasn't working.  The casual comfort we had was missing.  The physical attraction was strong, but the intellectual attraction began to wane.  

As we spent the hour or so it became clear that I had (we both had) not really listened to her online.  She was just as snarky and irreverent, just as cutting and biting in her humor.  Just as opinionated, just as self-centered, just as arrogant.  None of which I listened to when we were chatting.  

Instead of taking her words at face value, I had lol them off as snarky-isms.  Instead of hearing how thoughtless her opinions were, I had brushed them off.  Instead of really getting to know the real person, I only listened to the parts I wanted to hear.

We parted as friends instead of lovers.  She's still drop-dead sexy, just not the right one for me.  

And I left wiser than before.

On Friday I asked a girl (BTW: what does one call a 36 year old...a girl, woman, something else?)`
Anyway..I have admired and secretly desired "M" for years. She works in my building, is beautiful (really stunning and sexy), smart and more. The thing is I can never get a read on if she likes me..well, that's not exactly true...it's that I can't ever get a consistent read on how she feels. There have been times that I was certain she wanted me to push her against the wall...others I was just another guy looking at her chest. Regardless, over the years we've had enough conversations, she knows I'm in an open relationship, that I date strong/dominant women (and couples). And I know, at the very least, we'd have an enjoyable time together.
On Friday I asked if I could ask her out...and was rejected with only a moment's hesitation. "I know you're in an open marriage, but that doesn't work for me."
I think this was the first rejection that made me like the person even more because of their honesty and straight-forwardness.
She is really a special person. I'm amazed that she's single.
The rejection felt like a it does when getting a flu shot...it was a sharp pain, then a dull ache for a couple of days. But after it's done, I'm better off for it.

The more I view couple profiles, the more excited I am to meet someone(s).  I imagine that when there is chemistry, it must be incredible.

One thing I haven't written about is my (now ex) girlfriend "S".  S and I met for the first time in January and have (had) been dating until last week.  

In fact, we did more than just date.  We really connected, helped and supported each other.  

She gave me encouragement and support when I didn't get the job offer I was sure was mine (I am very gainfully employed, but this job would have given me a nice raise, new title, more benefits and exciting opportunities for advancement).  

I helped her get her resume straightened out, worked side-by-side with her on her class-work and helped her get interviews and more.

All this was above and beyond great sex, conversations, laughter and happiness.  The first time we were together she was amazing.  As we came together, she held my head, looking deeply into me, forming this instantaneous connection…wow.

Although she wasn't a Dominant, she was a strong woman.  And I liked her very very much.

Until she became abusive.

She stopped treating our relationship, and me, with consideration and caring.  I was being told I must give her more, that I was being selfish, that I wasn't appreciating her, that I should have planned this or that.  She became distrusting, accusing me of seeing  someone else.

I had never been involved with someone who called me name and disrespected me, so I was surprised by my reaction.  It was like a light-switch. One moment I thought the world of her.  But once she lit into me, calling me names.  In the next moment, I felt nothing but friendship for her.  My trust, my love for her, felt betrayed.

Maybe she wanted/needed to break up.  Maybe she came from an abusive house-hold.  Maybe, maybe, maybe.

When we talked about it, there was no apology, no remorse.  In fact she tried to turn it around and make it my fault.

Needless to say. I don't play that way.  I don't accept negative relationships, I don't accept negative energy from my partners. And I'd rather keep looking for someone special than be treated poorly.

I don't need attitude.  If you have an attitude, if you're stuck-up and hard-headed, if you're self-involved and arrogant...please just keep walking.  I will not be your target and I will not let you ruin my Chi.

As much as I want to believe that we're all in this together, I was reminded again tonight that there are plenty of bullies in the world, even here on CM.

Last night, for the first time since I got married, I slept alone in the bed. My wife was with her BF for her first over-nighter. When I kissed her goodbye, I was unsure how I'd feel. I keep expecting to feel more jealous or resentful.
But I don't.
I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. That I don't have to work so hard every day to try to make her happy. That she has, that we have, taken the steps we needed so we can each find fulfillment, and stopped expecting that it had to come from our life partner.
When she came home this morning, glowing. I felt nothing but happiness and my love for her.