My first sexual memories were of girls kneeling at my feet. Instead of being like other kids at 12, focusing on body parts, my fantasies always involved the female in a submissive position. They didn't even have to be naked. I would imagine them tied up like some silent movie damsel in distress, but instead of saving them, I would have my way with them. In my fantasies, they would beg me to have my way with them. They would beg me to hit them, make them scream, and then fuck them when I was done. These were my earliest sexual fantasies.
Did I mention I was raised a Mormon ? Not the multiple wives kind. The one wife one husband kind. The ones who taught you that masturbation was bad and that sex was only for the married. Touching myself was bad, so I was told. Yet I couldn't stop. I would pray and pray and pray to Jesus to help me stop, but in the end my desires always won out, and I would be left feeling like a failure. Like there was something wrong with me.
Now compound the sexual repression along with an innate kink, and you get some serious head trips for a 12 year old.
Fast forward through my teenage years. I never allowed myself to have sex in my high school years. I had girls that chased me, and I had a crush on a few girls as well, but when it came to sex, I was too afraid. I was afraid of what I might do. I was afraid that she would see the inner perv that existed inside of me. So I did everything I could to push that side of me deep down. It wasn't until I was 18 that I finally had sex. She was a girl a few years older then me. We met at my cousins apartment complex. I was visiting for a few weeks from out of town, and we clicked right away. We had sex everywhere. In her car, by a lake, at a motel, in her place, on my cousins kitchen floor. We were each others firsts, and we wanted to get it out of our system, so we fucked until the day I left. It was fun, but I knew there was something missing. It was exciting, but it wasn't fulfilling.
Forward some more. I'm in my 30's and I'm married. No longer a mormon I've began to walk the path of free thinking. I'm about to have a kid. My wife and I have been open to different kinds of kinks. Group sex, and three somes, mostly. The sex is great. I shouldn't complain, and I dont, except that deep down, in a place that I could barely recognize, I didn't feel complete. There was always something missing. It wasn't until I was 35 that I would begin to understand.
The wife and I had been drinking. A lot. We both fell in to bed and started groping each others bodies. She started to play as if she didn't want me to enter her. Pushing me away and giving me a " Ha ! You can't get this " tease. The more I pushed forward, the more excited I became. Then, something snapped inside of me. It was like a switch had been thrown and all of those thoughts and ideas that I had tried so hard to push down and to ignore, came flooding out of me. I became a sadistic beast. I threw her around the bed like she was my play thing. I grabbed rope and tied her down. I bent her in ways she never thought she could. I spanked her ass until it was almost purple. In a drunk haze, I became that which I had for years feared to let out. Afterwards, she laid there, shivering, afraid of what had just happened. I sat on the edge of the bed. breathing quickly, but deeply. I laid down and passed out from exhaustion. As I fell to sleep i wondered to myself what had just happened, and most of all, why was that the most satisfying sexual experience of my life ?
Now, here I am at almost 42. Trying to find a way to satisfy my Dominant side. My wife and I have a good sex life, but she's not bent the same direction that I am. She can't handle the intensity of a good night of BDSM. So, I look for playmates. Women who have a desire to be dominated. I've been fortunate to have had a few subs in my past. However, in the last year and a half, I haven't had any. Before, each sub kind of just, showed up in my life. I never had to go searching for a playmate. Now after this long, I'm feeling pent up. I'm feeling off center. I'm feeling incomplete. So I'm trying to find a playmate. I just haven't the slightest idea as to how ? Most women that I find show some interest are turned off by the polyamorous relationship that my wife and I have. Others misrepresent themselves. I've been looking for a playmate since the beginning of the year and I keep striking out. I tried the normal datting sites like Okcupid and Plentyoffish, but it seems the poly and the kink keep cancelling each other out in womens minds. My membership here at Colarme, is my next hope. I'm hopping that I can find some one here like me. Someone who needs to submit. Someone who can fill the void in my life, as I fill the one in hers.