I've been sick lately, which has left me wallowing in self pitty, certain of my own demise. I don't handle being sick well. It doesn't happen often so when it does, i always react as if the sky is falling. Now that i'm feeling at least a little better I've managed to drag myself over to my desk and rejoin the living...virtually at least...

Last night there was some crazy ass storms, with tornadoes popping up across the length of the front, heavy rain and lightning. I don't know what it is about storms, but there is something primeval about them. As advanced as a society as we are, and as much as we like to pretend we are masters of nature, the truth is Mother Nature is not only capable of, but seems to enjoy showing us who's boss. When winds and lightning kick up, we all tune into the weather channels. When lightning strikes close or a funnel cloud forms overhead, we still tremble and hide. 15,000 years ago our ancestors were doing the same thing. I find it funny because no matter how advanced we become, at our core we are still the same as we were way back then. That being said, who doesn't think of hot, rough sex when storms are at their fiercest? ;)

As it so happens, most of my friends are quite vanilla. I am a very open person, especially among those i trust, so most of my close friends know of my proclivities. I am fortunate, though, because even though i am a degenerate pervert in the eyes of the vanilla world, my friends have a very open mind and accept me for who i am. In the past i have encountered people who have judged me for my quirks, but for the most part, the vanilla people who find out about me are more curious than offended. Most of them laugh and think it's funny, touting that they would never do this, or never let someone do that...etc etc etc, and then i find that i'm the one laughing. To them, BDSM is fuzzy cuffs and strapons. It's kind of funny to see their faces when they realize all this is something much more than just getting spanked, and that the relationship between a Mistress and Her slave is so similar to their own vanilla relationships. Every single relationship involves some sort of power exchange. BDSM relationships just involve more power exchange than a vanilla relationship. So while yes, I'm sure most of us here enjoy either getting or giving spanks, That's not what it's all about. It's always great to see people's misconceptions about this lifestyle shatter when they actually ask someone involved about it.

Can we just start a femdom city already? or maybe get an island? A place where female supremacy and BDSM are just facts of life. The first law set in place would obviously be "men are slaves." I think everything else would sort itself out after that.

Nothing stings like the truth you don't want to hear. I have made mistakes in my life, i have burnt bridges, and soured friendships. I think in the back of my head, i was aware of all this, but i pushed the thought aside because i was afraid to admit it. we all like to think of ourselves as infallible when it comes to knowing ourselves, but sometimes it takes the voice of a friend to bitch slap us back to reality and open our eyes to personal flaws and mistakes.

I don't know what it will take to begin to mend things that i have broken, but i will do everything i can to see my mistakes corrected. I don't want to be per would be boring if there was nothing to strive for, but i want to at least be good to my friends and those i care about.

Dear Collarme, 

Please please please create a new UNIQUE color for switches instead of lumping slaves and switches into the same color category on the member lists.

To my friends and everyone else affected by hurricane Sandy, stay safe and stay warm.

First off, happy Halloween E/everyone!

 And onto a completely unrelated topic...

 As a submissive male, you can pretty much rest assured i squeak when i see the "read mail" button highlighted in red. i don't get a lot of mail but what mail i do get, i read carefully and respond thoughtfully. i am not here just for sex, and this isn't some kinky role play fantasy of mine, it is who i am and it is a lifestyle choose to pursue.

 Sometimes i find myself pulling my hair out in frustration when i get a mail, and i try to start a conversation up and what i think is someone interested in me, winds up being "sign up for this website, its free but requires your credit card info." i may be submissive, but i am not a dope, or a sucker. i just feel bad for anyone who falls for this kind of scam.

 Other times, i am simply browsing profiles and i feel like half of what i see is "financial princess, online only." Now, financial domination is fine, and i am not making any judgments  but some of these profiles openly state that all they are interested in is taking a submissive's money. That's it, nothing else. No actual connection between the individuals, not even a mention of the power exchange involved with financial domination. It just makes me wonder how many of these profiles are from legitimate Dommes with more interest in this lifestyle than just money, and how many are just from greedy people with little or no interest in all of this. One thing is for sure though, there are plenty of people out there answering the sirens call.

As it's getting colder, i have seemed to settle in on sleeping in my mummy style sleeping bag. I have started to wonder if its because im actually cold, or if i am fulfilling a secret desire for mummification bondage, hmmm...well at least with a zipper on the inside there is no need for a safeword >:P now all i need is a blindfol...er...a sleeping mask ehehehe.

Well I've been back in Kansas for a day now and im finally over my jet lag. It is good to be home, although my allergies disagree with me on that one. Also, I heard MRP has been shut down. That makes me sad :<

Yesterday was my graduation ceremony. It was really cool to walk down the hill and see all of my classmates and the thousands of people watching. It's good to finally be done!

Just finished my last class of my undergraduate degree! It has been a long road but I finally made it! Now I have to find some way to make it through boring graduation ceremonies. After that, it's on to bigger and better things!

An archeology project is taking me all the way to Hawaii this June and i will be there for a whole month. I am so stoked! The plane ride is going to suck a big one though x.x. Oh well it will all be worth it!

Well, I've been sick these past few days but I'm finally starting to feel better. Just as i was regaining my composure from being ill, a friend told me she was going to be a mommy. I'm happy for her, but the news blindsided me completely. It is funny how life can be so unexpected, but despite all its quirks, everything happens for a reason, and everything works out in the end.

Be careful what you wish for. That advice echos in the back of my mind every time i find myself thinking about chastity play. It is an exhilarating experience. The power shift is completely addicting and the first few days are the hardest. To loose control over something so entangled with masculine identity is difficult to adjust to. Temptation and desire soar to new heights yet there is nothing that can be done about it other than to obey and to hope for eventual release. But this is one of those circumstances where the frustration, suffering, and humiliation all culminates in an incredible and indescribable finale.

happy new years :3

So i had an interesting dream I was asked to write about...

It started pleasantly enough, i was on a boat (que t pain) and there were sharks swimming in the waters below. i have always had a love for marine biology, and my childhood idol was steve irwin, so what did i do? i did what any sensible lunatic would do, i grabbed my snorkel and jumped in to swim with the sharks. even in a dream the experience evoked many emotions; fear, excitement, vulnerability.

These emotions began to coalesce in my dream and as they did the world began to shift black and the water around me turned black and grew thicker and thicker until i couldn't move. the ocean had given way to a vacbed as soon as my brain connected those emotions to being a submissive. outside the vacbed over the dull racket from the vacuum nearby, i heard the voice of a woman, and shortly after i felt Her touch, teasing and slow, yet deliberate. I could feel Her climb onto me and press Herself onto me and no matter how much i struggled to reach out and touch her, the vacbed was unyielding.

struggling as much as i couldn't, the mysterious woman informed me that she was going to use me in ways i may not enjoy, but was keen to remind me i had no choice, i was her slave and her prisoner. it was then i noticed my snorkel was not gone, or rather, it was different, thinner. suddenly a flood of liquid poured down the tube and flooded my mouth. the taste was distinct, and it was warm. I knew immediately what it was and i whined as she cackled, telling me longer i resisted, the longer i had to endure the shame. I remember swallowing rather reluctantly, but once i had she attached an iv drip bag filled with, surprise, more of the same, and left me there, laughing knowing that i would have to endure the shame and the taste for hours to come as she walked out of the room.

fin.

What i have interpreted from this dream is that emotions are a deep and powerful force in the mind of a submissive. Importantly, conflicting emotions such as fear and excitement may act as a gateway into subspace if properly proportioned.

i've been developing a curiosity for cuckolding :|

Finding the right Mistress is like going to Wal-Mart and buying every puzzle box on the shelf. You then take those home and mixing all the pieces together, each piece represents a member of this community. Then blindfold Yourself (rawr) and randomly select 2 pieces from the pile and see if they fit. Most of the time it doesn't work, but W/we all hope that sooner or later we pick up that perfect match.

Pretty sure i broke my nose at the Eluveitie concert....

merry christmas!

Well thanksgiving is now over and it makes me kind of sad. It is a holiday centered around food. I love to cook and I love to eat. Oh yes did I mention that pie > cake?

A little clarification. I am interested in becoming a personal slave, not a client. I have no less respect for Pro Dommes by any means, but it is not what I am looking for. I need a connection on an emotional level and on a vanilla level as well. I dont see either of those needs being taken care of if I am sessioning.

Also as far as tribute goes, I dont completely agree with the idea. It is not because I am cheap or wanting to avoid spending money. It is simply that I prefer to give gifts that are unexpected and a suprise. I would like to give a gift from my knees looking up at Your face so i can see for myself both the suprise and the happiness I have brought You. Also giving straight cash is like giving someone who is supposed to be close to me a gift card. Cash lacks a personal connection to whoever im giving it to. I want each gift I give to be unique and specific to the individual.

Many challenge subs to be unique and to stand out. I stand out because I seek meaning in what I do and how I do it.