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ooh thats pink!
instead of things getting simpler as ive gone along its got slightly more complicated, or at least its gone full circle maybe.
at the begining i came looking for a relationship with a man who was naturally dominant, looking for a naturally submissive partner - that was it. the BDSM element was unknown to me really. but as i progressed i got to realise that the BDSM is a big part of why people come to sites like this and so i learnt about BDSM and how that part plays out.
for the last four years ive been looking for Ms, a Master and only recently realised that im not looking for that at all.
i am looking for the authority exchange but for it to be a flowing natural expression between two adult people - a symbiosis of personalities who enjoy BDSM as part of it but for it not to be the sole reason they are together.
Ms doesnt sit well in my head anymore - i dont see myself as someone who needs to express theyre submission by being overly controlled - i am more than capable of expressing submission without rules or protocol or the threat of punishment if i fail hanging over my head.
i suppose what im looking for is an adult relationship, which might seem obvious enough, but sometimes i feel like the sub is seen as 'smaller' or 'less' or someone who feels 'childlike' in their need for direction, discipline and control. that isnt me.
whilst i do and will defer, while i will always put others needs before my own, while im driven to please and serve and take care of my lover in all ways he needs me to, i do this as an adult woman, giving adult emotional support, love and friendship.
i am the submissive in this, i always will be, not at all switchy or in any way dominant, mostly a gentle, easy going woman who just wants to give all of herself, trust and express herself fully.
this isnt my sexuality, but i am a sexual and sensual woman and i do enjoy BDSM as part of my sexuality and part of my submission. its just that BDSM isnt why im here in the end - im here to find my counterpart and that is how ive ended up coming full circle on myself.
so, anyway. i have a sixteen year old son, who is on his way to sixth form next september and doesnt need me as much as he used to. i have a business that is ticking along well and so that pressure isnt so heavy anymore. finally, ive reached a point in my life where i do think i finally have room for me and what i need now.
thank you for reading that x
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