Per a series of requests I present to you : 

 Endivius' Guide to CM Profiles

Do you log in, check your in-box and see pages and pages and pages of mail? Do you log in and see no messages at all? Does every mail you receive start with "You are owned slut!" or "Bow to your goddess pig slave!" among other ridiculous one liners? Or why when you message someone they never reply?

Well fear not citizens, Captain Save-A-Hoe is here to help!

Put down your tin foil hats, stop chewing on your nails, and get ready for a reality check.

I know, right now you are thinking, "My bullshit meter is in the red here Captain!" No problem, you wade out of that shit pile your standing in, wash off, and come have a seat on ol' sparky. I call her that cause metaphorically, I am gonna zap your ass with some good old fashioned common sense, or "wisdom".

I will start with the basics. The things that are most common to the largest percent of the CM population. The Q's and A's if you will. And then move on to the "meat" of profile construction.

Q. Why do I get so many messages from so called D types wanting me to submit to them right away?

A. Because you are either a)just signed up on collarme, b)are female, c)are bisexual, d) are a Financial Domme or e)your profile reads like an Anne Rice character that reeks of desperation. If you have any of the following in your profile, expect to be flooded with messages :

• no limits
• ASAP
• I'm rich
• I'm poor
• Slave
• Goddess

Q. Why is that?

A. The largest percentage of CM users are male, and to those males, these words are like red flags that scream SEND ME A MESSAGE. Trim the desperation out, set your mail filters to an age limit you are comfortable with, and hide your profile. Now you can take your time fleshing out what you want, who you are, and look for a match without all the frustration. ZAP!

Q. Why is it that when I start a conversation with someone, they suddenly stop messaging me, or I catch them in a web of lies?

A. Because people lie and serial liars lose track of all the crap they've lied about. It is easy to pretend to be something or someone else instead of taking real life action and putting it into practice. Case in point, if you have never been to a fetish event, have no real life experience, or read 50 shades of grey and think it is how BDSM works. You are a fake. Yep. You. Because you, are full of shit. You have no idea what BDSM or a relationship based on D/s is like. You have a sea of men and women out there that want the same thing you do, and are not only willing to get it, they actually do.

Q. How are they getting what they want, and I am stuck with all these wankers that only want to cam with me or want me to send them pics of myself nude or doing something really gross?

A. Because they took the on-line fantasy, and made it a reality. Thats right. They stopped pretending and got fucking real with someone. That means get out into the real world and meet. That is not a license to throw yourself at the first D or s type that shows up. What you need to do, is get out and meet someone, to see if you have some real in person chemistry and compatability.

Q. But, I heard from a friend of a friend of a friend, whos next door neighbors cousin had a horrible experience! They were raped and all kinds of stuff! Surely you don't want me to put myself at risk?

A. No, that is why your meetings should be during the day, in public places. You should part amicably and never play on the first encounter unless you really feel a connection. You do not "belong" to anyone, and they do not "belong" to you until you have started up a real relationship with dynamics around your common interests and limits. Take the kink OUT of the equation and meet the person to see if there is a spark. If there is, great. If not, say good bye. And don't call me Shirley.

Q. Well why the hell is it that I get messages from someone with horrible grammar that wants me to send them money?

A. People are idiots. Especially men of all ages, and many women. You get desperate to play the "white knight" wanting to help someone in need. And these people take advantage of that, and will certainly take advantage of you. Which is why you do not send anyone money. Ever.

Q. But what about FinDommes?

A. The vast majority of FinDommes, and I mean the VAST majority, are women with absolutely 0 experience. That's right. The few that are real, have their own websites, and will kindly direct you to them. Most ProDommes, or FinDommes that are legit, are not interested in taking large chunks of your money, or receiving lavish gifts. Because once the bank account is empty, they lose a cash cow. The real pros work with what is within your financial means, and respect that. Sure they may "tax" you when you fuck up, but they are not going to make you miss a mortgage or bankrupt you. They know where their bread and butter comes from, and they are providing a service to you that is mutually beneficial. This is a kink that isn't really the exception to the rule, since you do not have to actually send money. Gifts and services are often accepted in lieu of cash. 

Q. Well why the hell won't they reply to my message when I sent them a really nice well detailed message?

A. If your target is a gay male, female, or a professional there are three possibilities : a) you are not interesting to them. Yeah I said it, you aren't attractive to them, too old, too young, the wrong sex, or just plain boring. Either way, they are not interested in you. b) your target is overwhelmed with messages. Remember the above stipulation? Well gay men, women of either side of the kneel, and ProDommes get a ton of messages. It takes time to answer them all. They will get more mail in a week than you will get in the entire time you are a member of CM. c) What you deemed a nice detailed well thought out message consisted of "bitch i will pump u wit mah dik" or "pig slut i want to own u, wut u think of dat?" as it turns out, those are repulsive and huge turn offs for women, and most adults. As a side note, if you cannot type in complete sentences, your target audience is likely to think you are an underage child. Regardless of what sex or age you are. Use spell checker. ZAP!

Alright, I know your seething with some sarcasm right now. At any minute you want to bust out with some kind of bad ass one liner, let's just skip the part where you embarrass yourself trying to be clever and move on to why you are still reading : profile construction. What is it? Basically, it is how you create a profile that gets results. You know, the whole reason why you signed up. Meet someone that rocks your world, have incredible sex, get all kinky on each other and say to yourself, "YES! This!!"

We will start with the left side, the interests section. Fill that out, there is a lot there, and believe it or not. People do actually look at those. Relax, they are not deal breakers. If you hate ballroom dancing or gas masks, that does not mean mr/mrs right is gonna skip you. It just helps people see if they share common interests. Let's be honest, really really fucking honest. If you see a hot picture of someone, and scroll down and see they have no interests, and no profile text, all you have to talk about is the picture. So basically you have devoted the entirety of your interaction on physical looks. Pretend this was you. At first glance, this seems like a no brainer, two days later, what have you got to talk about? Oh yeah, nothing. Unless they spent two hours writing up a detailed essay to a complete stranger about random topics hoping that you will appreciate the time and effort they put in and respond in kind. Now imagine you have three pages of those essays. Yeah, it is like that. Fucking ridiculous. So fill out your interests, it is there for more than just listing your kinks.

Click what you are looking for. Yes it matters. This is how people search for and find each other. If you are not interested in finding a male, do not fucking click on the male boxes. If you only want to find "friends" or just want to chat on line, click just friends. You can hide your profile and you will not show up on anyones radar.

Now let's talk about your pictures. Yeah, this is sadly about 99% of what most interactions will be based on. Remember, men are visual creatures. And most women are not interested in someone that has such bad hygiene they resemble Gollum. So be clean and well dressed in your pics. Now, and this is the really important part : if you take your picture in your living room/ bathroom/ bedroom, clean it first. Yeah, you heard me. Clean it the fuck up. No one wants to see your skid mark undies on the floor, the porn mags piled up on the table, or the dirty dishes that look like they have spawned a new life form. It says a lot about you if you are filthy. That is an impression you cannot overcome now matter what you look like. Skip the cock pics. Guess what, your dick is not special. Even if you have a 12 inch porn star dick, the only ones turned on by it are the gay men. And even most of them do not want to see it. It reeks of desperation. You are basically saying, "This is all I got going for me. I am boring as hell, have no social skills, and two weeks from now you will want to stab yourself in the eye with something dull instead of hearing my voice. But I got a huge cock!!" That is not the impression you want to make. No women are going to message you based on your dick. Truth. Ladies, lose the pics of your vagina. Save those for a special request. We do not want to see your pussy (right now). Why? Because most of you don't know how to take care of it. Yeah that's right, I said it. You are nasty. You got hair coming out like Buckwheat in a leg lock, or you shaved so rough you have got road rash that looks like bad acne. Some of you actually do have acne and it's gross, we do not want to see that. Some of you actually took the time to be real methodical and did a real good job, except you have now flooded the market with pussy. You got nothing to barter with, no trade stock. Nothing hot and sexy to send us. You basically gave away one of your best commodities for free. No need to message you, s/he's already masturbated to your pics ten times, they are moving on to fresh meat now. See how that works? Shocking right? If you want to show your figure off, knock yourself out, but leave something to be desired. That goes for both sexes, regardless of orientation. Do not give it away for free! It does not make you interesting or worth contacting for more than a couple of masturbatory cam sessions. After that, poof. Gone like the wind. Get some real pics! Do not pull some porn stars pic off the net thinking no one will notice. Guess what? Google Images and Tineye will find it. Don't post several pics of some sexy picture you saw on line at some place that you thought was creative and innovative. Guess what? No one gives a shit. That's right, I said it. That picture of the two chained hot lesbians making out, or the hentai girl in bondage? Not interesting. The only people going to look at that is to jerk off. Want to get quality messages and cut down on the bullshit? Take a picture of you, and put it up. You can set an avatar picture for the forums, You don't have to use your main photo for that. So stop posting pics of dumb shit. It doesn't make you look interesting, seductive, mysterious, or any other excuse you came up with in your head to justify how it relates to you. It makes you look self conscious, and makes the viewer think you are either a man pretending to be a woman, or a really hideous person with like tentacles and stuff. Do not be a tentacle person! Be you. If you don't want to post a picture of your face, no problem. Post one of at least your body, so the viewer knows you are both human, and at least of the gender you claim to be. This will not only increase your success, it will cut down on unsolicited mails.

Do not put up just one pic of you in the bathroom mirror and call it a night. Show the viewer who you are. Are you a partier? Post one of you painting the town red! How about one in the cockpit of a fighter jet, or swimming in the ocean, or on a roller coaster. There are a thousand ways you can show who you are without your genitals, and guess what, people like that. If you are into photography or art, post pics of your work. Do some sexy poses, make funny faces, show yourself to the world, and it will open up to you. Do not flood your profile with them, two or three is plenty. It shows you have taste, a creativity about you, and that you are proud of your interests. These things are sexy to everyone. They show you are interesting, and it will keep the wankers from convincing you to cam with them so they can beat off while you talk to them. Sure it's fun and kinky for a while, until you want to get into some person to person interaction in life, and then *Poof* they vanish. Are you really surprised when this happens, I mean come on. Really?

Ah yes, now we come to it. The dreaded profile text. The part that about half of the cm population doesn't bother to fill out, or just puts one sentence in. Guess what, this part of the profile will be ignored by everyone looking to masturbate to your pics. Or the "fakes" and "posers" that are only interested in some on line drama and fun with you. Because they didn't even bother to read it, you'll know what they are, and who they are. Fill this out. Talk about what you are looking for. Talk about what you like to do outside the bedroom as well as inside. Give your profile some meat. Avoid saying things like, "I am kind hearted" "I am outgoing" "I am honest" (Side note, if you have to tell people you are honest, you are lying. Because honest people put themselves out there and say bring it on world! Liars pander to the reader for thier approval) Make it worth spending time on. If you get lots of views, and no messages there are only two possibilities, your profile is full of pics that they are masturbating to, or your profile text turned them off. Either you posted a bunch of random political nonsensical crap that had no purpose, or you talked about how you wanted to do/were into some absolutely nut ball shit. You know the nut ball shit. Talking about fucking kids, talking about how you have 20 slaves, or you were raised in a D/s Household from childhood to be the most domly dom/me ever. That kind of bullshit is easy to pick up on, and no one wants to talk to you. You basically shot yourself in the foot with the fantasy persona you took on. Be you. Don't talk about your exes, or how you were beaten as a child, or being abducted by aliens. Avoid things that make people think you are a scientologist. You know, be normal. Even for kinksters.

Ok, I will unstrap you now. Take a deep breath and stand up slowly. At this point you are probably a little disoriented. It was a long read, and full of all kinds of stuff you do not want to believe. Fear not, I am not gonna push you over. You can stagger off into the darkness to ponder over what you have learned here today. Here is a blanket and a bottle of water, that is all the aftercare you are getting from me.

Been at the hospital the last two days, My grandfather was admitted with chest pains. I left my phone charger on site and the battery died. I'll try to get in touch with everyone when I get my phone charged up.

I got bored of answering the bullshit forum posts so I just decided to make a post here in my journal to link to for all the HNG bitching about finding women. And to some extent ladies, this applies to finding a partner too.

Many of the HNG that come along with posts very similar to yours are under the impression that pussy is in short supply. Now following the fundamentals of economics we know that the value of a good or service is directly proportional to its supply and demand. The higher the demand and lower the supply the higher the value. For some strange reason, many men seem to think pussy is in short supply. And as we het men know, pussy is always in demand. So if the demand is high, the supply is low, the value must be astronomical! The fallacy here, is that pussy is not in short supply. In fact, if pussy were a stock right now, it would be flooding the market (as Dave Chappelle said, "Pussy fell 50 points on the NASDAQ, gold is up ten points). There is so much pussy to be had it is staggering. So the question becomes, "Why can't I find any of this free pussy?" The answer is simple: you are an idiot.

You have set standards for the pussy it can never hope to live up to. Not only that, this is not a buyers market. You are trying to purchase a free commodity with a currency that has no value either. Much like trying to trade motor oil to Eskimos for ice. What the fuck are they gonna do with motor oil? Look, if you want a super model; be honest with yourself, unless you look like me or Brad Pitt, it's a shot in the dark probability. Like playing the lottery, all the stars gotta line up and all that. But, the good news for you is that pussy being readily available means you don't have to try and trade it for worthless commodities like "kneel bitch you are collared!" or pics of your penis. Most importantly, pussy is always looking for just the right person to come along and snatch it up (see what I did there).

So now the question becomes, "What kind of pussy would want me?" If you get dizzy take a few deep breaths. I know it can be staggering to realize that you might actually have to offer something besides a penis or a roof and sustenance. Now that you have taken in this newfound wisdom, take another minute to evaluate yourself. Finding pussy within matching parameters will be much easier once you understand which market to dabble in. Now that does not mean you shouldn't shop for the name brand pussy. But, if you are only looking at the blue book market you are missing out on all the other pussy markets that are STOCKED with quality pussy. Diversify, spread yourself out to other markets. Asia, Africa, and Mexico have some fantastic pussy markets. Don't forget the European markets either! Spread yourself out, don't be afraid to dabble in the foreign markets, they have good returns! Most importantly, don't limit yourself to the newest models. I know each season a new model comes out and you are just aching to try it out, but then you missed out on the model from five years ago that was unmatched in quality. Even a used car is someone else's chariot. Widen your interest a few years, see what is out there. Some of the best pussy has aged a little bit, it has sat waiting for just the right person to come along. Do not miss out!

Finally, be patient. Pussy is easy to find, but finding the pussy that is just right for you may take some time. You'll probably have to trade out a few times, maybe even return some defects. This is natural. It is normal. Just take it at face value, there is a lock for every key, but not every key works in every lock. Or something like that.

As I sit here eating this amazing soup and corn bread my grandmother brought me, I can't help but notice how much of a sucker I am for southern comfort foods.

Conquered the PBK Challenge yesterday. What!? Yah that's right, one hundred strokes with the cane, 50 strokes with a hardwood 2x4 paddle and 35 strokes with a flogger. I get a badass t-shirt and the privelage of being the first person locally to have completed the challenge.

 I am absolutely against scat, beastiality, necrophillia, and blood play. If you watched a few vampire movies one too many times and want to pretend you are one just click next profile.

Torn Rotator Cuff. Ok, seriously, I stopped kicking baby seals and I stopped voting for Democrats, what did I do to deserve this? It's like the universe is conspiring against me. I will rule you universe! You cannot stop my plans!

In other news, I have succesfully beaten Brick Breaker!!! After four long years of not really giving a shit, I have finally beaten my commute past time on my cell phone. Now to conquer Bejeweled.... Yes, first Bejeweled, then the Universe!

 I wish I hadn't lost my Rubix Cube....

****Update: I will not answer any messages from Pirates or Cyclopses! I'm sure you'll find love one day.

Additionally, I will let you know if I am interested in seeing your baby maker. You will not peak my interests by sending me pics of a badly managed twat that looks as if it's birthing Whoopie Goldberg.

I would rather you said nothing at all than, "Thank you for your service", or "We appreciate what you men and women do." It is not that I doubt your sincerity, only your very uniformed view of what it was like. The grotesque nature of war is unforgiving and indiscriminate, and each time you remind us of it, you do us a disservice. Instead, go against every natural instinct you have, and pretend we are just ordinary people trying to survive each day under extraordinary circumstances. 

Had an interesting and brief convo today with a hippocrite. It made me smile, and for that I thank you.