Took the sexuality quiz today...here are my scores:

 Exhibitionist / Voyeur 
100%
Experimental
96%
Sadist
96%
Switch
 46%
Dominant
 99%
Bondage
86%
Degradation
79%
Submissive
 0.8%
Masochist
 1%
Vanilla
14%

The universe conspires...not against, not for...but only to have fun with and rejoice in the multitudes of realities in which it can encompass all that is its own, to prove that all is here only for its own growth and amusement...so, in revisiting that which was so needed, so perfect for the simple soul to which it was revealed...I have no choice but to say it again, and be fully mindful of how it flows and beckons for us to see what it provides, though at times seems merely to tease us with its absence of purpose, and oft misunderstood means of fulfillment...

Said yet again, and always with her, so seemingly complete in its utterance...

"Time is the fire, in which men burn..."


One of the most poignant and truthful quotes I can ever remember that has always struck me, and stuck with me, ironically throughout all I have been a part of, seen and become since hearing it and truly becoming aware and understanding of its full meaning, has come back to haunt...


...but it has suddenly and undeniably, not only taken on a whole new meaning--even though the original intent will never be overcome in its honesty and overwhelming truth--but it has awakened a yet deeper understanding of what kindles and fuels the desire in a simple man to admit and embrace the means and acceptance of a sudden and seemingly unearthly influence revealed to him, making him aware that his strength alone cannot combat the coming storm; and that revelation frighteningly invigorates and imbues him with the means to not fight the storm, but to weather it with more strength and fortitude than he had ever possessed, or merely hoped he had (in desperation and sodden pride), only within himself...the real key is that, the true power inevitably comes not from within, but from without. A reason, a power reveals itself, and maybe, with not a capturing of it, but a combining and merging with it, there will be an acceptance of the storm and the knowledge that there is nothing to fear, nothing to shelter from, if that power and understanding were merged with his own being...


The fates' true game is that which they play with the pitiful souls of man...but on occasion, they throw him a boon, a way to become more and better than he had ever dreamed, in order to rise against the tides on which the test him, so that he may become...


...I feel that power is finally come, and I can see myself no longer willing or honestly able to deny my desire to embrace it and make it one with my own...that I, no we, may defy the fates and weather the fiery storm.

...why she fights the winds with such defiance, just to be with me...that is the vision that hones my strength and tempers my metal...I don't want to understand...just to cleave to that Angel and become one with her being...that is the true blessing hidden behind the fury of the winds what drives her wings to find refuge in my embrace... 

Had something here that I thought meant something, to myself and another...seems those thoughts are nothing more than whisps in the night air...all the time spent to mean anything to another, regardless of what that takes time away from, doesn't seem to mean anything when whomever you are trying to reach for withdraws their hand when you offer your own.  Back to the dark and emptiness that is so unrewardingly comfortable.  Hello, old friend...thought we had finally said our goodbyes...

Completely love being marginalized...and yes that was sarcasm.

Have been approached and confronted by many subs and slaves...telling me how good, nice and wonderful I am/must be...and...

They are looking for something/someone to fit their ideals.  No problem with that...but here comes the fun part.

I get messages as I described above...then I am told they are considering a few others, so would like to explore those options, and they will get back with me.

LOL...and then weeks or months later, they message me wanting to try because whomever they were considering turned out to be an ass, a fake or abusive.  Now this is when I become hesitant...

1)  I am interesting and perfect to them, but am put off for other pursuits.

2)  Others mistreat and abuse them, or turn out to be fake, so I am the fall-back.

3)  The realization does not occur to them that that kind of "selection" process is offensive.

I mean seriously...if you let someone know you are interested in them and would like to pursue something, but if and only after every other guy you are interested in got a chance.

Yeah, wonder how that would work out for me in a dating situation...

"Would love to take you out sometime..."

"Great, when would you like to pick me up?"

"Well, let me go ask those other cute girls over there if they would like to go out too, and if they do, if it turns out that I don't like them, I will let you know."

SLAP

Once you treat me that way, forget it...I do not want someone else's abuse memories, I do not want seconds and I surely do not want to feel like someone is with me because they settled.

Read a very entertaining crock of the usual tonight...such a man, and a great functionary of the status-quo...he/she was complaining about their bad day...me, I am not going to get to see the dentist for a week or more, so spent the afternoon filing down a broken tooth.  Metro-sexual...I think not...but if there is a question as to what a "real man" does to further the family...well, keep on looking for that knight in shining-penthouse...'cause that is only the frosting on the pussy cake.  Take that same "man" into the woods...lol...man...lol

...and visions come and they go...

Was having the most vivid of lucid, mental elucidations...and it was all so clear.  Lol...the knight in shining armor...

...more like, sold the battered suit to some young monkey with a perpetual boner and used the proceeds to establish the estate.  Sold the steed, too...used it's earnings to secure...well, security.

Reforged the sword into tools in order to make a better name than that which could be earned in flesh and blood (and keeps a knave out o' the pokey, too, aye)...and gave up the quest for fantasy riches (that where never enough) or some wayward, bitchy tart (who was always way too much).

Had my days of riding with the not so merry band of gents, outlaws and other sorts...and they still come 'round on occasion.

But it can never be denied...old, no...sodden, no...solid in my castle, Oh, yeah...lol

Whar's my Queen?  Whar's my Hassenfeffer?

Oh, and drop the 'Sir,' shit at the door...my name is Jonathan

Kind of like logging on...always get to see the coolest pictures...sometimes pretty sexy, of cute little things wanting submission/slavery.  I usually mark them as a favorite to remind me to come back and copy/save the pic sometime...but again, usually don't care enough to remember.

Spent the day riding bikes and walking with my son...watching movies and relaxing.  Sunday, we will pay our respects and begin a new chapter...hopefully.

Was actually thinking most of the day, weaving in and out of things to get the boy to be comfortable on his new bike, of the unforgettable conversation I had the other night.  Very few people impress me in their ability to express that which is most important...most rely on the oft mentioned sound-byte or worn-out rote-programming they have assumed or been conditioned/raised with.  I had a dialogue with a young woman that I am going to be hard-pressed to get over.  There is no way that I can reconcile how what was said and what was learned from the exchange, struck such a chord and reaffirmed that what I have been seeking is not unreal or unobtainable...but rather, worth the reasons I keep striving to be more.

Interesting, the implications of such a reasoning, but that would just mean someone wants to see me better than I am, because they believe in me I want them to be proud...just as I want for them to glow in my eyes with their brilliance.

God help us if I should wax poetical...lol

Insomnia is one of the most devious of opponents I have ever faced.  One of the worst parts of it for me is the desire to move, to create and to learn...which somehow only excites me and keeps me wired.  For some reason, and cannot even imagine why, I have become addicted over the years since college, to soaking up as much knowledge as I can, and making something worthwhile out of the wisdom gained--be it in my art, my writing or my desires--though it seems to be in areas a few of my "conservative" friends believe a "waste of time and/or not (for some reason), eintrirely self-centered.

The need for someone to temper my addiction and calm my soul is apparent.  "My Love...May i get you ready for bed?"  That is so much what I want to hear.  No...what I dream of and feel I need to hear.  I know I have taken in enough and have to do something with the accumulation gathered thus far...but the muse is as elusive as sleep.  Her drive, her motivation, her input and her soothing is what would make it all come together.  Make it all mean and become...something.

Yes, I leave my profile up and active all day...I work at home and homeschool my son...not much to think about there...and no, not unsuccessful OR a bum...just a bum...lol

...and no matter how hard I try, work and move, it isn't enough; I work hard, but want a workout buddy...someone to walk with, play with, throw things with and even actually 'workout' with.  Someone who isn't afraid of the past, theirs or mine, and are able to be a sidekick.  Archery, firearms, nails, knives, ropes, etc,...you know, fun stuff to do at odd hours of the night.  Had to give a rest to the pursuit awhile back, but the practice...the compulsion is more than myself.

...where is the balance?

...where is she?

...When I Grow Up...

...When I grow up, I am going to have cars and boats.  I will have homes and houses I call homes for tax purposes.  I will have Harleys and Italian cars and a blonde bimbo on each arm...and one behind me in case I drop something.  Oh, and I will take pictures of them and post them as trophies of my past conquests...

...I will have a reason, a purpose and a drive.  I will be someone that means something to someone and that strength will propel myself and her to whatever we aspire to...oops, I slipped...

Sorry, back to the everyday collarme fantasy/personal ad...

Ok, I want a beachhouse with all the coveniences and a 24/7 bartender, a pool boy to service the wife when I don't care and a maid to service me when she is oblivious, a buffet that never ends...I want...

No, I really have what I want, and I am more than grown...

"Want" is something I let go a long time ago...

Now, I need...

But that is another ramble...

A brief history...yeah, nothing to hide...lol

Had visions at a young age...too young to know what they meant, and now old enough, but still seeking the vision.

Always felt apart from the crowd, always more thoughful than participatory, always more...there had/has to be...

Had many dreams, accomplished a few, but damned life got in the way...still strived, but what I sought became a shadow of futility compared to what I earned in other pursuits...though maybe of a less monitary value.

Struggled with other people's problems long enough to warrant a reexamination of life, no matter how late it happened, and began life anew...for my son, more than for anything else, really...and I reaped/continue reaping the benefits of the choice.

Tried this, tried that...cannot pursue that which I find no further interest in and that which disregards my abilities; moreso, cannot pursue that which I find to be immoral and/or unjust.  Sometimes you just have to just say no and leave it at that...so, let's start leaving it behind and start going further...

Starting my own business was hard, still is at times, but not worried...have just the right amount of irons in the fire...but one still needs utilized...where is she?

During the aforementioned time, I had a wife, got divorced, had a child, fought like hell to get him back, raised him (so far) and started a few business ventures that keep us fed and so forth...lol...love the "pay for me" ahem, "sub/slaves" on here...but I digress.

Now I am in limbo, waiting for the muse to come from above and regenerate the soul that has seemingly failed within my chest, my mind.

Son comes home tomorrow from his vacation with Grandma...he turned ten yesterday, but I have his gift in the shop...made out for months like there was no way in hell he could ever have it, but...lol...I am DAD.  Surprise.

Looking forward to tomorrow, and the next...

but that is the future...

this was a blah blah about the past.

Be safe.

Been thinking on a few questions and observations that have made their way to me in some mail and conversations...Here's what I came up with...



Yes, I live in Missouri, but no, it isn't all that bad. They are not a bunch of redneck, goat-ropin', tobacco-juice spittin', inbred, toothless hillbillies with no education. The crowd (lol...crowd) I run with are an over-educated, goal/business oriented and quite hygienic group of people, and only a few are of a shade that one could attribute to working outside.



It is over a year since I have been in a relationship or with anyone...and I am not in a hurry. So yes, I have been on the site before, but the last time was 2005/2006.



I do enjoy beer on occasion, and prefer scotch if I am relaxing. I smoke a pipe, but prefer to have a cigar at night. My boy, my dog and I walk several miles every day, and on our way home we usually stop by the Irish pub downtown. We sit outside and play cards, talk with people, have a drink (usually a gin and tonic for me, a bowl of water for the mutt and a Sherlie Temple for the boy) and fried mushrooms or something.



My son's mother left not long after he was born, taking him with her...I fought hard and got him back. I have custody and she is in Texas...so is only in the picture on visits (every few years or so) or the odd phone call to act like she cares. The boy could really care less, so we are fine with the situation.



No, I am not interested in debating the finer arts and levels of submission and slavery. I believe in realistic applications of each in the home and in public. Just because you wear the mantle of "slave" or "sub," does not mean chained to a wall all day and beaten, nor does it mean you are to be completely micromanaged...in my definition, that is. I want a sub/slave who knows my rules, my expectations, my preferences and my desires. When these are followed and adhered to, there is the connection, the commitment and definition--be it from a desire to perform or understanding of consequences for failure to exhibit agreed-upon behavior--however...knowing one's place and failing in these duties is what differentiates the sub or slave in considerations of "punishment." Punishment, to me, would be devoid of emotion...it is punishment, and I will be quite devoid of pity for a slave. The submissive, giving herself, would illicit emotion in me though, were I to have to administer correction--a deserved and instructional expression of disappointment in her lapse. Yes, there is a difference. No, that in itself does not define the relationship, either, as I will not be in any kind of relationship if the feeling isn't there. Just that there is a difference in approach to the various aspects of the roles...



Yes, I home-school my son, and he is already two grades, if not more, ahead of his age. He is very smart, very thoughtful and curious and quite caring and empathic. I was a teacher and facilitator/director of educational programs for years, and I am quite impressed with his progress and abilities.



Yes, I would like a person who understands the need to work...if not for retirement, social security or the like, for insurance and spending money. I am not the sugar-daddy type, and will not be wanting to entertain a princess again--had one years ago, and can think of better and more entertaining ways of being a sucker.



Yes, I work alot, but I usually do it in the home. I enjoy my work almost as much as I enjoy study. If I am not learning or researching something, I get a really big feeling of wasting my time.

No, I am not a cuckold--there is a big difference between what I seek and that definition...I am a man who desires only one woman (if over time, as discussed in my profile, my sub/slave desires a slave of her own, well, I will make the exception for occasional use of the shared responsibility).  On occasion, however, I like to see my woman with other men, but with the understanding that it is by my leave alone, and for my entertainment/visual pleasure (well, the real hope here is that she likes it, too...but shhh, that would be asking for a slut...shhhh).  I like to see her perform, show her off and allow worthy and responsible people to experience her abilities.  My girl will enjoy participating enthusiastically...and when everyone has had their fun, we go home and I will get started...if I didn't, on the rare occasion, join in already that is.  Intelligence, style and attitude are key for my consideration of candidates, and attraction will be hers, as I want her to be attracted to those she is with.  I will not tolerate assholes, gangsta-wannabes, thugs, or little-big-men with a chip on their shoulders, so your partners would be well-screened.  If you are racist, no need to read further, because I am not and do not discriminate when someone shows intelligence and good character.  I have had and maintain friendships with people of various races, and these may be included in any consideration.  As far as my sub/slave being with other women...same rules apply.     

No, I do not want to post a crotch shot...my package is nice, but I am not a politician and therefore hesitate to post my dick on a public site. If you want to know, I am a nice-sized 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, twelve...damn, got the Electric Company song in my head...where was I?  Oh...if you want a pic, get to know me and I will send one.  
I think that is enough for today, so hope it helped and maybe I won't have to answer these again. Not that journals are really ever read by the time-wasters. Life is great, so soak it up.

Thought about writing something informative and somewhat intellectual, but upon further reflection on the matter and what I thought to say about the subject in mind, I decided, FUCK IT...nobody gives a flip anyway...

Sitting here thinking...I have my standards, they may be low, but they're MY standards...

Maybe I am too picky...maybe I am...

Just don't want to be with, well...just anyone.

So I sit here thinking, enjoying my drink, loving the nightly cigar...

...and thinking...

...Yep, other shoe fell...yet another fake in disguise, and really should have known it.  What a frickin' waste of time.

What I want...

I want to restore this big-ass house, and someone to do it with me...

I want to grow my business, and someone who might enjoy participating in it...

I want to finish writing my books, and someone who likes to read and comment...

I want to be a super-hero, and someone who will be my sidekick...

I want someone who wants to kiss me...not just a peck on the cheek, not just a smooch when I leave or come home...someone who knows that a kiss is something that is unique to each couple and is pretty much their signature upon the universe...unless they have a litter of brats, of course...but that soul-touching, soul-caressing kiss...Damn.

I want to sing, and someone who will accompany me...

I want somone who motivates me to my dreams, as I motivate them.

I want to dance, and someone to move with...

I want a better bicycle, and someone to ride with...

I want to go camping more often, and someone to play Jane to my Tarzan...

I want to make priceless art, and someone who appreciates all art forms with me...

I want, I want, I want...

...now watch...I'll get none of what I want, and win the lotto, instead.  Frickin' life...nothing much that's more ironic.  Wow...life--irony...which came first?  Or are they complimentary?

Have to say, been thinking on firsts that I have never experienced in or out of a relationship.  Not that life doesn't go on regardless, but would be nice to look back on the memories of events others find to be fulfilling and/or romantic...

So, I have never been:

...bought a drink...

...asked to dance...

...asked out...

...given flowers...

...kissed first...

...given a foot massage...

...given a gift (yes, believe it or not)...

...hit on...

...baked for...

...made to feel important...

...and more...

Yeah, Dom or not, men enjoy the little things, too...even though they really aren't little things at all.

Still in disbelief...so many talk of monogamy...yeah, I want that.  But the monogamy I seek is dedication to me...with my consent.  My girl will be mine.  Completely.

However, I want my girl to know that I am not the only one to use her...Monogamy is great and welcome...and my girl will want only me...but she will happily satisfy any I put to use her.  It is all explained in the profile...

My girl will want me...as I do her, but she will understand that she will be put to (safe) use by others.  Not too bad a situation...

Would think not...she will get others to have fun with...I just want her.