Limited internet connectivity and a temporarily disconnected cell phone.  I'm enjoying the privacy and lack of interruption to a real life, which includes an 8 day vacation from work.  Spent 5 of those days doting on D and find myself ever more deeply enamored.

Terrifying to contemplate because it's been years since K seemed to ruin my slave side ability to trust completely and have faith in Another's ability to both be concerned with my well being and to make it a priority.  I haven't had any issues with taking care of others, but this is the first time in about four or five years I've felt confident enough to willingly label someone as my Master.  I'm not sure we're quite there yet, but tasting it and trying it on for size feels good, and he not only isn't put off by it but enjoys the thought of such a title freely given.

Who knows - life is so uncertain in these days.  Nothing is certain except that I don't want to move forward with regrets, so I am being careful yet choosing joy in all things, always.


Be well, A/all!
~E/e
<3

This week's epiphany after another delightful weekend with D is the realization that the first sickening wave of infatuation/being-enamored/so-in-love-I-could-die phase has finally passed, leaving me feeling more confident in the thought we are building something permanent and lasting and not just dealing with initial sensory/emotional overload.  This weekend was the time to see his flaws and shortcomings and realize that I still love him in spite of the parts I might not like very much.  Since I am a female and over analyze everything and constantly seek negativity in all positive things (some say cynic, I just say experienced) then this is hugely reassuring.  Sadly, did not get as much sex as I was hoping but eh - that's life and hopefully we'll have makeup sessions next weekend.  :D

I have to honestly state having a weekend boyfriend in D-town is working out in a most ideal fashion.  It is close enough to feel convenient (after all, the drive from my house to his is only ten minutes longer then my one-way commute to work :P), far enough to feel like I can shed the burdens of everyday life and spend weekends recharging (between an emotionally and mentally draining job and a teenager daughter, this is a bigger blessing then I could ever conceivably convey), and it lets me indulge the more domestic and servile aspects of myself without the frustrations of other people screwing stuff up - it is, after all, his space that I just happen to share upon rare occasions.  I get to drive a wee bit, play cook and housewife, have awesome sex and phenomenal companionship - and then I get to come back to earth and get back to the act of real living.  Additionally, there is no constant need for my time during the week, which is also a blessing since I am on a daily basis pretty tightly scheduled.

In other news, the munchkin had her 14th birthday - unfortunately, she contracted mono in time with it, so her celebration plans will have to wait, as will school, gymnastics, track, confirmation, etc., etc.  Sucks to be her, but I am sure that missing school and structured activities will be the least of her worries during this time.  Lucky me, my teenager suddenly realizes she really does want and need a mommy, ROFL.

I love being able to write here.  It really is such a comfort to my spirit and a balm to my mind.  Additionally, documenting my emotional cycles is good for predicting the next down- or up-swings, too - always handy for understanding one's sense of self and being comfortable in your own skin.

Huzzah and hurrah, life is extremely tolerably good - and not in an excessive way, thank goodness.  Heh.


Be well, A/all!
~E/e
<3

This weekend, amazingly enough, I taught D to seperate orgasms from ejaculation.  Suffice to say we had a grand old time of it.

It is physically painful when I leave him - but when I touch him, my heart has palpitations and my palms sweat.  It is a very odd situation, and I'm not sure how much longer I can continue going constantly crazy like this.

Ah, delicious D, how I love thee - let me count the ways...

Mwuha.  Mwuhahaha!


Be well, A/all,
<3
~E/e

Met the most amazing zombie-obsessed guy.  In Denver.  Apparently, public consensus is right and D-town boys are where its at.

Life is strangely fabulous.


Be well A/all,
<3
~E/e

Irony is the guy posting pics on the local Craigslist with him naked and holding his genitals - but then stating he is a 'strong Christian' and will only date 'good Christian girls'.  Mixed messages much, mate...?  LOL


Be well, A/all-
<3
~E/e

Me in reply:

Me in reply:

ROFL!
Be well, A/all!
<3
~E

So here's the deal-

I have a great job.  I have my own car.  I have a kid, yeah, but who doesn't these days.  I'm fluffy and cute and sweet and I can be the greatest gal pal, activity partner, therapist, life coach, or best friend you'll ever have.  I like who and what I am, I am confident and upbeat and nice.

Above all else, my life is good.

At this point in time, companionship would be great - not necessary, but nice.

I'm not sure I am in a place to accept someone else's hand over me simply because I have gone so long without relying or trusting on someone like that - and because being independent starts to have side effects... like starving off the slave soul.

And I want the real deal - long term, committed, monogamous.  I could settle for less, but I don't have to.

Huzzah, me!

Be well, A/all!
<3
~E

So generous soul that he is, soljaboi says I can come out to the depot with him and wait for them to get loaded on their buses - I get to enjoy what is normally titled 'family time', even though he has no family here and no real friends beside me.

On the one hand, he has been very generous and sweet about it, and gracious in that he will let me tag around after him like a lost little dog.  On the other hand, he asked for no tears.

I'm not sure I can do that.  Leaving Post tonight, I can hear helicopters flying all around.  There's these huge red lights flashing all over the base I don't remember ever seeing before, and when I drove past the last of the motor pools, there was a line of buses - coach buses, waiting to take our soldiers and drive them to an Air Force transport.  I don't know that I am strong enough to do this, and especially not without some tears.

And is it fair of me to shove my love and patience and wants and needs on him when he is so blatant about not wanting them?  Or is it just his defense mechanism against me acting like his ex wife and ruining his life for him while he is too far away to do anything to stop or change it...


The world may never know.


Be well, A/all!
~E/e
<3

Its the end of innocence - or at least my naivete?  Maybe just wishful thinking.  Either way, this fairy tale is definitely dust.  -.-


Him (3/9/2010 8:07:58 PM): you there?

Him (3/9/2010 8:08:32 PM): I've done it wrong, I know. as the time gets closer I find our connection becoming a real stressor. It sounds cliche' but it's not you. I thought it would be easier this way, even when you told me otherwise. When it all comes down to it, I'm a coward. Even thought it hurt you more I chose to stay away and not deal with it. I can't take a connection with me on deployment. I don't know my future after it. I know you really care for me. I'm not ready to return that level of caring. I'm not ready to be that someone for anyone. I like you alot Mai, more than I can relate but I'm scared. That's what it really is. I'm not in love. I'm just learning to love myself again. I am so sorry for this. I knew it would hurt you and I did it anyway. Somewhere inside I figured that you would somehow understand it and it would be ok. I can't stand to hurt you like this though. I thought I could just not care and that it would fade but that's not right. I do care about you Mai, I don't want to hurt you. I never want to, even though I manage it often enough. I'm just not ready. I can hear your voice, telling me I should have just said something. For all my adult experience, I'm immature in some areas. Relationships being one of them. all I can do is offer my apology. I know it's not enough. There have been times I wanted to tell you that we were moving too fast but when I look at you I so badly want to see you smile that I will endure anything. The thought of making you cry kills me. I know I have. So I have to contact you so you can understand that it's not you. It's my weakness. I keep my life segmented. I don't mix the different parts. I have friends who have never met other groups of my friends. I'm not ready for any kind of commitment. When I leave, I'll be gone. I don't know that I will be back. I don't want the vision of someone waiting for my return. I can't have that responsability. I'm sorry I avoided you like this and hurt your feelings. I don't know what else to say but that.

Me (3/9/2010 9:55:03 PM): I understand and I'm not angry at you. Thank you for telling me so that I don't sit here and blame myself or think that I did something wrong to chase you away. I do understand and acknowledge that I pushed for a lot more then you were comfortable with but that was a choice I made knowing how much you meant to me. I am sorry I made you feel bad about just wanting to be happy and have fun. Please take care of yourself and if you ever need a friend or just someone to talk to - EVER - then please know that I will be here for you. *huggles* You're a great guy and I hope that you do find the happiness you deserve.

Him (3/9/2010 9:56:47 PM): you are way more understanding than I have a right to have access to. I continue to underestimate you.

Me (3/9/2010 10:03:03 PM): You have given me the greatest gift today, the knowledge that despite the mistakes I made over the months with you that this is not my fault. The relief of knowing that I, for once in my wretched life, did NOT screw up something wonderful and good is absolutely immeasurable. You honestly have no idea how much that helps me rationalise things. Emotionally speaking I want to throw myself at your knees and cry and beg...? But it won't do me any good and I know and understand that, rationally, and can accept it and move on. Regardless of everything else that has happened over these past months you are very special and wonderful and most of all very close to me - you were my friend first and you are still that person. If and when you need someone to talk to, a voice to connect with, or anything else, you know where to find me. I will always be here for you

Me (3/9/2010 10:11:16 PM): Anyways. I'll leave you alone unless you decide to come seek me out. Thank you for your honesty. Please don't be afraid to ask for a friend, because I can be a really good one, I promise! ^_^ Please be safe and come home in one piece, if possible - and sane. Sane is good.  Bye.

So emotionally, I'm a train wreck.  Completely shafted, from the inside out.

Logically, I realize I do it to myself.  Constantly.  Consistently.  I know I am totally dooming myself to failure and yet I do it anyways - why?  Because I keep hoping for the fairy tale ending, the guy who will think I'm worth fighting for and actually want me.

Soljaboi deploys on, tentatively, the 18th.  Relying on him now for any kind of emotional support, investment, or consideration is completely ridiculous. 

When we first met, he honestly told me that mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, he was not in a place to be able to have a healthy, mutual relationship with someone.  Knowing that, accepting that, and loving him sometimes even moreso because of it, I struggle on.

In his head he is already in Iraq.  Emotionally he is a desert.  Logically I know I just have to let him handle things the way he wants and needs to.

My friend says I'm doing all the investing, while he is reaping all the principle and interest.  Probably.

Emotionally, I just need to make it until he deploys, and then none of my thoughts or feelings will matter anymore because he won't be here and that means I won't matter to him, anymore.

Why is it that he can ignore me for ten days (aside from some booty call), ignore my texts, my IMs, even my phone calls - but hearing him say I make him happy makes me ridiculously giddy for hours on end (until I come crashing down again, of course).

I am so pathetic...  In love.


Be well, A/all!
~E/e
<3

Dear Don,

Thanks for failing to know anything about my wants or needs or even attempt to meet them. Considering your lack of ability to write, spell, punctuate, and lack of movement, I don't see us being a good match. Good luck in your search.


Be well,
~E

from: Puckhead

your a fucking bitch !did i spell it right?hear ill type it again, your a fucking bitch! ive read your fuck up profile.i have another acoount on here. so why are you such a bitch about grammer?are you the grammer nazi? just pick a direction and fuck off?



I would have felt more offended if he had known how to spell grammar correctly.  :P

Why would I want to please a pastry chef in indiana?

Really?!



Be well, A/all,
~E
<3

Today, I wrote a poem - about his ears.  *^_^*


Heavenly bodies cocooned in divine rings,
The matter of life - orbiting the blinding glory,
The sun,
His face wreathed in smiles.


Be well, A/all!
~E/e
<3

Been in really poor headspace lately and not up to journal-ing because sometimes sharing all that negativity and down feelings make things worse.  Sometimes, I like to punish myself too - spent some time reviewing my last relationship, reading texts and emails, little love notes, etc.  I actually think it was a good thing for some closure, but it did leave me with a sense of loss over the friend and history and time I invested that I no longer have access to.

In better news mister wonderful has been very understanding of my emotional needs and despite my psycho-ness has agreed to commit to something that will last as long as he is still state-side.  I do understand his feelings on the subject, and quite frankly I am happy to let him go, knowing that our exchanges of letters and emails and IMs will hopefully reinforce the things that I have been telling him lately.  I'm a huge believer in actions over words, so I guess here is my chance to prove that my love can last through a deployment.

At least we have that cleared up.  And I do still think he is the most phenomenal man - thoughtful despite trying to focus on his own issues, considerate, generous, concerned, communicative, and articulate.  The fact that we can express feelings of a relatively deep and serious nature in the same conversation as we rattle off totally irreverent movie quotes to each other is amazing.  The way I feel with him is ... powerful.  Almost beyond my ability to express...  But, such is life, there it is, and I will learn to accept and love him within the boundaries he has drawn me.

*^_^*


Be well, A/all-
~E/e
<3

So the good news is, we had 'the talk'.  Amongst the other stupid things I babbled to souljaboi, I expressed the fact that I would like our relationship to have some clearly defined boundaries before he ships off.

Sad news is, he is going to AZ for training for three weeks.  Hopefully he will be willing to let me fly down for a weekend or two and spend some time with him while he is down there.  :)

Worst news is, like an idiot, once I started talking - I didn't stop.  Just kept babbling incessantly about the way he made me feel.  Told him all the things I loved about him and how wonderful and generous and good and kind his spirit was (towards me and others alike) and how much that meant to me. 

I spilled my guts like a fish with a slit belly.  I managed to tell him all the stupid jibber jabber that floats around inside my head when I think about him - things like when I leave, I feel like my heart is tethered to his ankle.  I also told him how spending time with him made me feel like a little bubble of light floating through the world at his side.  Dumb stupid me also expressed how much I missed him while he was gone and how attached I had gotten.  I pretty much said EVERYTHING and the kitchen sink - except 'I love you'.

I told him I would be his emotional support while he was deployed.

The terrifying thing was he not only listened to everything I said but actually heard what I said.  He promised to spend some time and sit down with me and talk to me about what I might expect while he was gone and how challenging things could get.  He also said he wasn't anticipating having the morale support - but he didn't say whether that was good or bad.  O.o

He also didn't express any reciprocal feelings...  But I do understand that it can be a little freaky  to have all this emotional stuff unloaded onto you out of absolutely nowhere.

I can be patient, and I can wait.  He is worth it.

Today I was dancing on my toes all day at work, and my BFF told me I was glowing.  I can feel it though, bubbling up from my feet and all the way through my soul - love.

Oh God I am so lost in him, and I don't even care, it feels so good - right now.  This time, at least, for now.  It won't always be this great... but the first bloom, heavy with promise and soul tingling with yearning that leaves all scents sweet in your nose and the taste of sex lingering under your tongue...  That is always the most delicious part of new love, methinks.

Be well, A/all!
~E/e
<3

The wait at the airport tonight was interminable.  I am not sure if it is because I am an impatient person, or somewhat else, but my state of nerves was really high by the time my souljaboi finally deplaned and came into the terminal.  It was kind of an awkward airport scene so I settled for holding his arm rather than throwing myself into his arms or smothering him in kisses; however I have to wonder if this is going to stack up against me in the long run.  :P

I do know I am excited, but nervous, about sitting down and talking to him tomorrow night.  I know he is tired from his trip and has a lot of other things going on, mainly related to work and personal issues, but I cannot continue to put my emotional needs on hold any longer.  I have tried to be oh-so-patient, but it has never been a virtue of mine and quite frankly I've been ok with that thus far in life.

I am not going to make the same dumb choices anymore, or get stuck with the same poor consequences.  I deserve better and I am going to go out and get it, by golly!

New Years involved a full moon and drunken craziness.  I refuse to be responsible for my actions that night.  ^.~


Be well, A/all!
~E/e
<3

Thank goodness holidays only come once a year.  Otherwise the stress and rush and fiscal misery of it all would kill me!

:P

In lighter news, actually have a date for new years without being in a committed relationship, very nice, yay me.

Alternately, soljaboi is coming home from his leave on Sunday night.  When I texted him to let him know I needed to jump his bones, he said they needed to be jumped.  That sounds positive, right?  LOL

We will be having a serious discussion on Monday night, however.  I don't mind not being in a relationship with him, but I do have to know where I stand before deployment, and so I can pursue my own personal interests.  Just because my heart is tethered to him doesn't mean my life has to stop, or my fun, or anything else I enjoy...

Happy New Years, everyone.  Full moon...  this year is definitely going out with a bang.  Hope everyone's new year starts off awesome blossom!

*^_^*

Be well, A/all!
~E
<3

Sense of disillusionment today is very high.  Not sure why, it just is what it is.

On the opposite hand, spent some time learning about my 'languages of love' - the way I express love to others versus the way I want love expressed to me.

Fascinating, and hopefully a helpful tool in the future for enhancing my interactions with other people.

Also learned why I am so wounded by the casual way my boss disregards me verbally, because I guess my biggest 'language' is words - of affirmation.  So hearing words of disparagement are the opposite of love to me...?  Un-love-ing?  I have trouble letting them go, whatever they are - negative words of non-support or whatever.

So the ways I receive love (or feel loved) are supposedly through words of affirmation and physical touch.  The way I give or express love is through acts of service and physical touch.  I suppose the happy medium is finding someone who can respond and receive and give the physical aspects, and coach them on the verbal.

Rather hard in a virtual reality, methinks.

Whatev.


Be well, A/all.
~E/e
<3

I believe in activism and volunteerism.  I do my part, every week, to contribute to changing the world around me because while it is good, its not 'good enough'.

I got a Christmas Card today.  From the freaking White House!  Its a mass produced thing, but getting even a smidgen of notice from President Obama & Michelle is really freaking amazing.

It almost made those torturous months of campaign work (and current phone banking, etc) feel worth it.

Note, I say ALMOST.

LOL

Also realized I'm helplessly in love with silly military boi, despite his complete and total unavailability, emotionally speaking.  I will take what he offers and be thankful, and will fulfill myself emotionally elsewhere.  A painful realization but a liberating one at the same time...


Be well, A/all!
~E/e
<3

Ok, so physically sated tonight.  Dealing with the psychological side, but oh well that is the lot of a woman who spends too much time inside her own head and is surrounded by boys who can't communicate.  :P

The bad news is boy toy leaves on Saturday to fly home for his pre-deployment leave.  The good news is I thought he was leaving Friday, so this actually gives us an extra night together.  I intend to take him to the company Christmas party and then rape his brains out in a hotel room afterward.  He is amenable to this, fortunately for me.

Sad day is, him leaving means deployment is coming that much faster.  Still don't know where I stand with him, emotionally/commitment-wise/relationship-ally.  Tonight he mentioned one of my 'jobs' is to catch him when he falls - but I'm a girl!  I can't take that literally, I interpret that in all kinds of mangled up ways.  Grar!

I need to stop thinking about this.  I can't, because it weighs so heavily in my heart and mind - but, I need to let it go.

God help me let this go.

I can't tell if it is hope or something else that dangles on a string in his wake.  All I know is I am left panting and swollen and literally dizzy with need when he leaves me with nothing more then a kiss or a pat on the head.  In those moments, my heart and soul feel tethered to his and I would willingly abandon myself at his feet.  However sad it is, he would not know what to do with me then.
All he knows is I am torn and graceless, filled with the burden of a need so thick and heavy it overflows my every movement, action, word, deed - even my eyes, he says, have become 'insatiable'.
But he does not sate me.
I do not know if this is an age thing - an Asian going through a sexual peak - or just something I feel with and for him.  All I know is I feel it and it leaves me wrung out and hungry, desperate and needy and yet bitter and anger when it goes unsatisfied.

I don't want to fill other peoples fantasies.  I am not here to fill your needs.  Respecting and accepting those is fine, but focusing upon them is not my purpose anymore.

I fear I am leaving the slave within drowned under a sea of disappointments, failures, abuses, and neglect.  She is drowning in a pool of bitter darkness buried deep in my heart...

Why do we do this to each other?

Life is sucking lately.

I need a sexy smoker to have a serious sucky face session with.  That will make everything better.

-.-


Be well, A/all
~E/e
<3

Oh, forgot to relate interesting incidents with a boy, lately.
He pretends it is a mainstream relationship, but we'll see.  Its hard to categorize it in any way, shape, or form.
The problem is he is emotionally unavailable, almost all the time.  I can handle the physical absences - the distance when he is gone on military assignment, maneuvers, etc.  That is an acceptable part of life.  What isn't is the way he emotionally shuts down and does not respond nor answer me personally when he is around.  He is a good person with a good heart, but - and this is a quote from a phone call I heard him on last night - he is 'shutting down to focus on himself'.  He calls it 'making his circle smaller'.
But he is sweet.  He is thoughtful and kind (when he does pay attention) and generous to a fault.
Above all else... the sex is mind numbing.  I haven't had a partner this attentive (without direction or force) in a dozen years, maybe.  He coaxes deep, screaming orgasms from me and leaves me panting, wrung out, hungry for more despite the pain of practically never ending orgasms. 
Last night I squirted.  I haven't done that in a decade.
Fuck he leaves me all conflicted and torn up inside.  I can't have sex without emotional attachment.  He isn't available emotionally.  Its like latching on to a ghost, in my heart.  It hurts.  But he really needs me - a friend, a warm body, and sometimes sex.

Grr.


Be well, A/all
~E/e
<3

Life has been hectic busy lately.  Also, very sad with the holidays coming up, but who cares :P
Having an emergency root canal on the 18th, wish me luck with that!  LOL
One of my girls said to me last week that I had a warm spirit, and she sensed it in me always.  The only time she didn't like it was when it went from warm to fiery with anger!  It made me laugh and sad at the same time, so of course I hugged her.
Otherwise life is snowy!  *^_^*
Be well, A/all!
~E/e
<3

The holidays are here!  I hope everyone is going to have great ones, with plenty of friends and family to spend them with!

As for myself, it is a depressing time of year for me despite all my eager joy in it.  It is always harder when single, too. 

Do you ever struggle with insane, totally illogical bouts of jealousy and hatred or sadness?

I'm not really worried so much about those fits as to how I will react to them or act on them.  Up until now I've been really good about it, but I am getting older and it is getting harder.


Be well, A/all
~E/e
<3

So Monday I had a great talk with a phenomenal friend of mine who is also a professional therapist.  While she didn't give me free therapy, she was a great friend and we had a wonderful conversation.  Being really down lately has sucked in more ways then one; and two of the things that she said to me really helped me feel better about feeling bad.

When you're having a rough day or behaving very badly, take a few minutes to HALT; ask yourself - am I Hungry?  Am I Angry?  Am I Lonely?  Am I Tired?  If any of these are real problems, spend a few minutes either processing through the anger, or feeding yourself, or chatting with friends, or doing some brief stretches - or whatever it takes to resolve and correct these problems.  It can make a world of difference in your emotional well being and how you interact with others.

Whatever emotional tool you use to help motivate or inspire you from day to day (mine is guilt), remember - its a great tool that is working as long as it is motivating you positively.  Once it becomes a burden, or work to bear, then it is no longer a tool but a drain or a weight dragging you down - and you need to let it go, so that you can be an effective person instead of an emotionally hampered or injured one.

Just thought I would share those bits of wisdom from my good friend - imagine how good she made me feel!  Also, hugs always help!  ^_^


Be well, A/all
~E/e
<3

I do appreciate the notes of sympathy very much - but I do need to explain, in case people misunderstood.

When I say 'one of my kids', I mean one of the kids I used to work with.  So while technically the child did not belong to me, I did love him very much and so am struggling with a sense of loss right now.

As someone who was spiritually invested in his success, seeing him fail and suffer the ultimate consequence for his actions has been really hard for me.  Trying to process through my own feelings of frustration, anger, disappointment, and loss is where I am right now.

I do appreciate everyone's concern and support.  You are a wonderful community, and I appreciate all the tender hearts I have encountered here.


Be well, A/all
~E/e
<3

Utterly stricken.

Just found out today that one of my kids reverted back to a life of crime.  Not only that, but that while fleeing from a shoplifting site, he fled across the interstate and was struck - and killed - by a car.

Spiritually very low right now.  Afraid this is going to make it a dozen times harder to get well.

Sad day.

=(


Be well, A/all
~E/e
<3

So of course this being the low country in Colorado ... it snowed this weekend.  :P  And not happy, fun, big, bouncy snow flakes, no - it started as these angry balls of ice that swept across the land and then was followed by hours of non-stop snowfall.

Plus side is this ought to be great up in the ski areas, right?  :P

Plus I've come down with summat awful - icky throat and dripping sinuses not to mention coughing up nasty gunk.  I'm going to medicate it to death and hope it goes away by the time I have to work tomorrow.  I'm not sure but I suspect this latest round of gunk comes from the guy I was playing sucky face with last week.

This will teach me to go around making out with strange people, I suppose.

:P

Also been inspired to do some serious writing lately - but since this is National Write a Novel Month (or whatev) I might hold off on starting anything until December, because heaven forbid I do something that half the country is doing, too.  ^.~


Be well, A/all
~E/e
<3

Today was blissful... beautiful... phenomenal.

The only major complaint I have about living here is the brevity of the good seasons that need time to revel and linger in, in order to be enjoyed. 

Namely, Spring - and Fall.

But today... today was almost divine in its feel of Fall.

The air was brisk - it had that cold, crisp, almost bitter feel in the nostrils that one associates with winter coming but not quite being there yet.

(This in itself is ironic; we had a huge snowstorm the week before Halloween, lol.)

It made me want to dive into a pile of leaves, sit in front of a fire with a cup of hot cocoa, and most of all, go tripping through hills festooned in a riot of brilliant color as the leaves sifted down around me.

Unfortunately, due to the early cold snaps we've encountered thus far this year, there were no colored leaves to really play in - no one was burning anything, because most of our trees are coniferous.

Thanks to the high altitude here, we experience some odd, extreme temperature swings - some times I'll drive to work in a lightning-storm blizzard; the sun will come out, it will be over fifty, and everything will melt away.

Well, suffice to say I was inspired with a whole slew of environment based feelings that unfortunately I couldn't indulge in.  But it felt glorious, if only for a little while - to imagine the things that others associate with October and fall and when cold feels good...

Heh.  That feeling probably won't last at all past the next snow, but it was awesome today, while it lasted.

*^_^*


Be well, A/all
~E/e
<3

Oh, god, I had so forgotten the delicious, sensuous freedom of sucking face with another smoker.  And one with a tongue piercing?  I haven't done that since high school.  Damn!

And the little shudders he makes when I gnaw on him are so damned cute.

Boys are SO fun!

Being single is the best thing that has happened to me in years...  I am so tempted to send the ex an anonymous thank you letter.

LOL

*^_^*


Be well, A/all,
~E/e
<3

A heartfelt thank you to all veterans from one who understands that freedom is not free.  From the person whose life you protect by taking wars to foreign soil - thank you.  For the woman who will not know the ravages of brutality and abuse because of your gun - thank you.


Yes, I like to make people say ow.  Its fun.  If this makes me a sadist, so be it.

Sadly enough I learned last night I do not like it so much when I say ow.  Or when people draw blood.  It makes me an unhappy tree.  Grar!


Be well, A/all
~E/e
<3

Only one boy recognized the Rocky Horror Picture Show quotes - more shame on everyone here!

And you thought you were freaky...  ^.~

I am filled with anticipation, however; and a delightful glow of pleasure and joy.

Also, slightly tipsy and going to bed - it was my sisters officially 21 party tonight.  Friday night we're hitting the bars for real - whee!  Wish me luck!

*huggles*


Be well, A/all,
~E/e

So come up to the lab and see what's on the slab. I see you shiver with antici... pation.

...

A mental mind fuck can be nice.

This morning was even better - just a brief update.

H: Hope you had a good night Miss
Me: Piss off then
H: You know, I can't read your mind.  I don't know what you want or your(sic) doing, so I'm done.

Really. 
Seriously? 
WTF?! 
Whatev.


So done and over with wasting my time here.  Either be real, be sincere, or piss off.

And if you want the contact information for this supposed submissive bisexual man from the Springs then let me know and I'll tell you; I don't believe in advert-ing that bit publically.

Speaking of the Rome series - I am starting to remember one reason I loved the Latin language so much.  I mean, no other Language makes the word Mistress sound quite so lovely - Domina (Dominus in the male).

I am not adverse to the titles of Miss or Mistress either (but please - no Ma'am!  Blech!), but Domina has a beautiful ring to it that hints at the delicious, delightful, dark pleasures of a D/s relationship.

*^_^*


So this weeks poor choice has met an inelegant and painful death with the closest curb.  In summary, we shall say his best offer of 'service' was lots of empty words and promises and yet actions that inspired completely different thoughts and feelings then ones of 'service'.

If you'd prefer the long version, please do read on as I'll be happy to get into it.


Me: I'd like us to get together this weekend.  Maybe some drinks or a nice dinner.

Him: I don't drink.

Me: Alright, I'll let you pick - drinks, dinner, or coffee?

Him: Coffee.

(We meet at a coffee house - where he orders a soda.  Correct me if I am wrong but perhaps it would have been better not to go for coffee if we weren't intending to have coffee.)

Now let me explain something I found absolutely fascinating - we spent almost a week exchanging daily text messages. 

Despite giving the boy very specific instructions - "We are going to meet at [here].  Google the address."  'You agreed to coffee so that is where we are going.' - the boy told me, the day we were going to meet, that he did not want to meet in a bar and didn't know where we were going.

Despite telling him that I wanted to hear something more honest and real then 'yes miss' or 'no miss' (or even having to admonish him not to call me ma'am more then three times :P) I really didn't get a lot of reaction from him on any topic unless it was sexual.  Trying to explain about my desires for emotion and mental domination - the wish to be able to pry into his head and heart - seemed to fall on deaf ears.

The night we were to meet he almost lost that right by his utter inability to actually follow instructions or retain anything I had told him over the past week.  He kept saying he wanted to serve and to please me, yet he didn't ever remember anything I said, and he didn't follow my instructions, and he couldn't even answer my questions unless I asked them multiple times - unless it had to do with sex.

I'm sorry, but in my world, D/s is an all encompassing thing.  It is not about sex, but about bending one's spirit to anothers.  And if, in the beginning, one cannot follow instructions, it bodes awful for the future.

Heck, when I finally relented to his pathetic begging (along the lines of 'please please please please please I am begging you, miss') and agreed to meet him he spent a good twenty minutes still thinking I wasn't coming and pretending to act sad or apologetic.

I thought maybe he was a little dense - when I tried to communicate my sadistic tendencies and how they influenced my wants and needs at the beginning of the week he blatantly said things like, 'I don't understand' when I would say 'The sadist in me wants to hear how bad that would make you feel'.  Small surprise that when I asked him what privilege or right he would like to start earning, he said 'I want to taste you, miss' (meaning he wanted to eat me out).  I said, "Alright.  That is your goal and you must now work at earning it."  'I don't understand, miss.' was his response - wait, REALLY???!!

(You see my frustrations here, yes?  Yes.  :P)

His actions were ever at conflict with his words - 'I don't want to hurt you miss' when he would forget what directions I'd told him or what agreements we had made.

We met - shame on me - and he only stuck around for about fifteen minutes.  He left, then sent me texts saying, 'Very attractive babe... You are great looking... Like to find out more about you if you want?'  So despite him having abandoned me, I told him to get on yahoo and we'd talk when I get home.

But he didn't.  Didn't even text to say why not or he was too tired or it was too late, etc.  I waited 2 1/2 hours, he didn't appear, and that was when I decided to write him off.

Then he had the gall to text me this morning like nothing was wrong.  (Following is our text convo's transcript)

H: Hope you're having a great weekend. Love to see you again and make it up to you.
Me: So what delightful enticements do you have to encourage me to see you again?
H: Begging to see you again.
Me: Oh.  Well I'll let you know what I think when I hear your begging.
H: please please please please please I'm begging you
Me: That's really pathetic begging.
H: Sorry if I don't understand, would love to please you and work with you.
Me: When you beg, normally one would give the reasons for giving you what you want, not just use the words please & begging
H: Ok
Me: Stop with the passive ok.  That is not an acceptable response when I give you instructions.
H: I'm sorry I don't understand
Me: Try yes miss?  Thank you miss?  Your will, miss?  Any of a dozen answers are better then the two letters ok.  I don't want perfection, but I do want your passion and heat and desire.  Not laziness.  Not passivity.  Not mindless agreement.  I want you to give me your best & most delightful.  Show your feelings.
H: Really excited to talk to you, and to meet you!  Gorgeous, very excited.
Me: You say that but then you do things that don't please me.  You need to decide if this is about you or me.
H: All for you.  want to please YOU.  Want to see you happy.
Me: So did you get on yahoo last night?
H: Not until this morning.  It was a very late night/morn.
Me: But I wanted to talk to you.
H: Sorry.  Hate to disappoint you.  Not in my nature to hurt a woman like that.
Me: Uh huh.  You could have at least told me you weren't coming.  Anyways.  What do you want to do tonight mister I don't drink coffee?
H: I'm trying to work for you.  If I upset you please let me know.  Would hate to lose you.
Me: Hm.  Thank you.  So answer me - what shall we do tonight mister I don't drink coffee
H: Want you
Me: Maybe we'll do something mellow like a good meal at rock bottom or summat
H: I don't drink alcohol.  A beer now and then.
Me: Alright well let me know when you're ready to do something
H: Be honored to be with you anywhere
Me: Going to the new Milla movie tonight.  If you're back in time you can come with, we can hit rock bottom or ai after.
H: Would love to go anywhere with you.
Me: You keep saying that but your actions are the opposite.  You don't actually follow instructions and you do whatever you want, so please stop saying that until you are willing to match it with your actions.
H: Thank you.  Would love to keep you happy
Me: Also not true.  You have put conditions on where we can meet and what we can do.  So stop saying that, too.
H: Not sure what your (sic) saying.
Me: Say and do what you will and mean.  Do not tell me you will do anything I want but then tell me you don't want to because of your own excuses
H: Ok
Me: What did I tell you about saying ok to me?  At what point in time do you start serving me and not yourself?

This was followed by a very audible, noisome *CRUNCH*.  This sound is this boys skull hitting the curb in my mind.

Yeah.  So done with this. 
Total. 
Utter. 
Complete. 
Fail.


Whatev.  Now I'm all pissy again just thinking about it all over.


Be well, A/all!
~E/e
<3

I am a committed person.
[rant]
If I draw that line in the sand (in my mind), make that promise, or give my word - then I am adhering to that course until I am released of such guarantee or I achieve my goal.

Thus is my frustration when I say I am going to do something - or, be someone - and I am doubted by those around me. 

A boy approaches, asking for consideration; seeking my attentions and above all else, to serve me.

Yet they don't actually serve anyone except themselves.  They whine, they whimper, they wriggle, they compromise, they fake misunderstanding or stupidity when you can see the gleam of brilliance in their eyes. 

Above all else they assume familiarity and privileges to my person they haven't actually earned. 

They give you the most inane answers to every possible thing you say - yes miss, no miss, sorry miss, thank you miss.  You ask them for their feelings and they say 'Oh I didn't mean that'.  You tell them,

If you are going to serve, serve me - not yourself.  Otherwise, don't ask me - as a Domme - to consider you for service if you can't or won't serve. 

If you come, bring passion and commitment.  If you want me to be important then treat me importantly.  Show, by action, word, and deed, how you feel.  Communicate your wants and needs, and fulfill mine when they are expressed.

Better not to waste my time on dragging the inane out from behind a damned computer screen if they are so clueless and without interest, fervor, desire.
[/rant]

On a completely unrelated note-
I started watching that HBO series Rome today based on something a friend of mine said on Wednesday.  Unfortunately the first episode has me scratching my head at its blatant mispronunciations and bad costumes.  Then again, maybe the color is off on this web episode - but dang me if the senate isn't full of senators in red edged robes.  Anyone with any knowledge knows senators and pretentious nobles wore purple...  Red was for the wealthy, blue for the greek.  :P

Frigging HBO is fired!

(Except they have True Blood so its alright!)


Be well, A/all,
~E/e

Bestest song EVAR!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwVeC7VeJYE

Owl City

 

You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep

'Cause they'd fill the open air
And leave teardrops everywhere
You'd think me rude
But I would just stand and stare

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems

'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they tried to teach me how to dance

A fox trot above my head
A sock hop beneath my bed
A disco ball is just hanging by a thread

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep

Leave my door open just a crack
(Please take me away from here)
'Cause I feel like such an insomniac
(Please take me away from here)
Why do I tire of counting sheep
(Please take me away from here)
When I'm far too tired to fall asleep

To ten million fireflies
I'm weird 'cause I hate goodbyes
I got misty eyes as they said farewell

But I'll know where several are
If my dreams get real bizarre
'Cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
Because my dreams are bursting at the seams

Alright, I'm sorry.  I had an emotionally susceptible moment.  Sometimes it happens.  Its all part of the great cycle of life!

So I screwed up.  So I had a bad day.  So I was totally and irretrievably depressed by going through my closets over the weekend and finding clothes that I haven't fit since I was eighteen years old.  So guys abandon me all the time and feed my abandonment issues so that I cut the next guy off before he even has a chance.  So I've felt dirty and bloated and fat and depressed and sad.

So what.

Its part of life; I'm part of life.  As long as I persist then I am just taking part in it.  I'm ok with that.

I am feeling much better tonight; tomorrow will be even better.

Thank you.  Thank you very much for caring.  Discovering random strangers who actually pay attention to my individual needs can be very satisfying.  I'm starting to remember why I loved CM so much in the first place.

And if you are ever in that sad, angry, scared, distraught place, just remember - that is ok.  It is entirely and perfectly natural to experience every emotion in the spectrum at some point in life; sometimes it happens more frequently.  You're not alone.  And the important thing isn't what you are feeling, but what you do with those feelings.

Please don't take them out on your teenage daughter when she is sick.  Please don't unleash them on your coworkers.  And above all else...  Don't aim them at yourself.

I think I can finally sleep now... tonight.

Thanks again.  You guys are awesome and I appreciate your support so much!

Be well A/all,
~E/e

Having trouble sleeping tonight.  Again.

Sleep always seems to elude me in loneliness.  And for those of you who don't know, I spend most of my nights alone - well, excepting two freakish cats and a crazy dog who seem to think they share their bed with me.  ^.~

I am awash in a sea of conflicting emotions.  There is hope and despair, fear and joy, terror and elation.  There is no broad spectrum here, only one or the other of two extremes - neither of which are comfortable, or comforting.

I failed at work.  The pain and agony I endure for knowing I screwed up something is immense.  There is no worse punishment that can be meted out to me that is worse then the utter depths of bleak despair and worthlessness I have flung myself into.  This is what it is to be the slave who fails.  This is the weight of crushed hopes and dreams and expectation others placed in my trust that I violated.

And yet...

There is light and hope and joy and peace and even a glimmer of possibility.  There is a dream and a wish and a glimpse of the penultimate paradise behind my closed eyes.

Neither emotion is real; they are both fabricated feelings of my own interpretation and desperation.  Knowing this, they do not feel any less powerful, move me any smaller distances, wrack me with shudders of agony any less, nor cause my pulse to cease its skipping.

The joys and agony of this lifestyle are always so magnified, it is hard to dwell in a limbo when the heart wishes to leap heavenwards and the spirit to sink into purgatory.

And I don't even know what nonsense I ramble anymore.


Be well, A/all
~E/e

Had a bit of a rough scare last night with the little one.

Apparently traipsing around in the cold air until almost 10pm on Halloween left her with a bit of a cold or something.  She's been sounding awfully hoarse & rough but didn't think much of it until she woke me up very early this morning.  Apparently she had tucked herself into bed and then gotten a horrid fever; by the time I got to her it was already over 103 degrees.  It was touch and go there but I dosed her with tylenol, ibuprofen, and aspirin, and started giving her a sponge bath from a bowl of water and ice.  It took almost an hour for the fever to drop below a hundred, and while she's mildly running one now (and definitely staying home from school) I am just relieved to know she is going to be alright and won't need hospitalization.

Only thirteen and she's already got some stories about the ER that would make your hair raise up.  :P

In the good news, lots of wonderful discussions this week with delightful people.  I am constantly amazed at the non-sexual conversations I am completely capable of having without feeling licentious or overly impolite.

Then of course there are the wankers who send you the most irredeemable bunk or use the mail system like its an IMer or summat.

LOL

I think mostly I am just very fortunate in that people have been willing to share their own thoughts and feelings with me and I do appreciate it.

Was exchanging with a particularly delightful bloke, witty and very sharp, who took it upon himself to weigh my wants and needs against what I thought I was offering.  Enlightening indeed; I think he's smarter then he looks and he'll probably put me to right shame if I don't watch out.  ^.~

Wants a man who:
appreciate
commit
share
encourage
accept
Offer a man:
meaning
purpose
life
gifts
spirit

Or summat...  Mm.  Its monday morning.  I don't really want to be alive today...  Bah.  Hope everyone else has a far more delightful day then mine is going to be!


Be well, A/all,
~E/e
<3

I am a weird dreamer.

After all these years, there are two kinds of dreams I remember upon waking - the series dreams, and the prophetic ones.  I've done all kinds of sleep studies and hypnotherapy and my mind apparently remembers my dreaming spaces as vast chasms of darkness aside from these two.

But I digress.

I went downtown last night - huge mistake.  :P  My highlight of the night was telling my daughter to get her butt home so mommy could go have an adult Halloween knowing she was safe and sound at home.  It was all downhill from there. :P

So this morning I wake up with the weirdest series of dreams on my mind.  Feels like it was a 3-dream series...

Met this guy, he hung out with me and my daughter twice...  Details aren't as important as me noting this: we apparently had the craziest g-spot sex I've ever had, real or imagined - and he spent the entire time he was screwing me saying the most derogatory things.  And not like in a good way, derogatory, no - things like he liked my fat, and picked me for my lap, and all this other weird random stuff (but negative) that actually had me feeling really down when I woke up this morning.

Did I mention even in dream-land our sex didn't last more then 90-120 seconds?  But I dreamed I had six g-spot O's, ranging on the scale from 6 to 9 and that was pretty damned good considering there was no foreplay whatsoever.

...

I woke up feeling pretty damned screwed up this morning.

My inner shrink is having a heyday analyzing this.  Sometimes I wish I could shut that upright prick up.  Doesn't seem to be happening.

Oh well, back to cooking brunch.

Hope everyone else had a decent halloween.


Be well, A/all
~E/e

 

Be well, A/all!
<3
~E/e

Just to clarify - I hate being in pain.  I hate suffering.  Emotional is the worst for me; the physical I can accept and understand and treat with as a consequence of stupidity or whatever... but when it hurts inside just because you are human, or cycling through the needs... :P  Whatev.  I just had to make that clear.

Happy All Saints

Happy All Hallows

*^_^*

And to those of you who write, concerned, opinionated, or just supportive - thank you.  I appreciate the feedback and the friendliness I have found here.

Be well, A/all
~E/e

 

Yes yes, I've been busy - whine whine whine.  ^.~  But thank you for noticing and caring - I missed CM and blathering on incessantly, too! 

I'm not sure that I want to do the rant I had been planning on today; it's about social discrimination, mental biases, and people who ass-u-me...  But then again, maybe I will just do it anyways.  However, you've been warned - so no whining later on if you feel 'offended'.  :P 

So last night (sunday night) I went to my usual local bar because I had a hankering for a pint - that is, a pint of phat tire if any of you are wondering.  And no, I don't substitute it for 'other' things so don't ask.  When I lived in County Cork I got hooked on Guinness, but the problem is its like 3000 calories a pint - so not such a good plan for a hefty girl like me to drink it with any kind of regularity. 

I digress.  Last night I went to my local bar - Good Company.  Its right around the corner from my house, and normally on a Sunday night its deserted except for us Karaoke junkies, so I can enjoy my pint or three in peace and sing if I get drunk enough and/or so inclined.  Unfortunately, I forgot that it was a holiday weekend.  I don't work a normal job, so things like this don't really occur to me, sadly. 

However the bouncer at the door and the jam packed entryway was a brief, stinging pain to my wounded ego.  Lets not go into the wounded part - suffice to say I had wanted to get my pint of phat tire and enjoy it in relative peace and misery.  Well...  I went to the patio bar, hid in the corner on a stool, and got my pint.  Yes, it was hugely crowded and disgustingly noisy, but I ignored everyone and just drank my beer and smoked my cigarettes. 

Just before I finished my beer and like my third cigarette of the 'experience' (I like to chase my liquor with ciggies, don't ask me why), this nice looking young Korean guy comes up to me and asks me for a cigarette.  I'm awfully nice in person - really - so of course I fork one over, light it for him, and we joke a little about being smokers.  He even offered to let me smoke it for him - which was a little weird, but alright. 

Then, apropos nothing, this guy asks me, 'So have you ever dated a Korean guy?'  Like a considerate person, I answered the question he asked - I didn't bring up my personal issues.  So I simply responded with, 'Nope, never been so lucky,' and a smile. 

Granted - this is a bar.  I'll accede that this guy was probably a few sheets to the wind.  However - HOWEVER!  What happened next is inexcusable, in my eyes - completely and utterly unjustifiable no matter how much liquor you've drunk.  You do NOT go up to strange people in bars and lay this kind of shit on them. 

"See, this is the kind of bullshit people of ethnicity have to deal with - people who only date others like them, and don't ever expand their boundaries into dating those of other races or even other classes.  I bet you make a six figure income and don't date guys who make less than you either, huh?"  All this was said with this rather derogatory, insulting sneer upon his once-handsome face.  I'll admit - I saw red.  I sat up and turned around on my barstool, and this is what I said to him.

"See, this is why women like me who come from mixed ethnic backgrounds ever get to date any minorities - because we're not pure enough, not pure white, not pure anything else.  Do you know why I don't date ethnic men?  Because NONE OF THEM FUCKING ASK ME OUT you asinine asshole."  At this point in time I slammed back the rest of my beer and thunked my glass noisily on the glass counter, turning to shove my cigarette in this guys face while I stood up.  "I would reconsider your opinions on life.  I think the reason women don't date you is because you're an ignorant jerkwad and they figure it out the minute you open your god damned mouth.  Now get out of my face, you purist, elitist, ethnic FUCKING ASSHOLE." 

Of course he didn't move - at this point in time he wanted to apologize, or some other bullshit - so instead I shoved my barstool at him and squeezed away. 

This, my good friends, is why we should always - always - be conscientious of what we are going to say and/or do before we open our mouths or try and dig ourselves a hole.  Its next to impossible to make a positive impression with strangers when you've got a barstool in your crotch - and you can't double over or fall over, because the stools shoving your testes into your intestines, nyeh?