Time for a change. I liked this for a while but I wonder if maybe this is just more appropriate as a journal entry instead of the first thing someone would read about me.
Like Whoa! The following can be a bit more info than you care to know. Too bad. Read it and know me better, it will explain a good deal of how I act in person. Or don't, you're your own person so do what you want.
About me. I could say that I am too complicated for writing down into a short summary. I could, but thats pompous of me.
I like honesty, and I find lies intriguing, the lies we tell ourselves, those we tell others, and those we keep close to our hearts because to admit they’re lies would destroy us in yet another small way. I am eternally pessemistic while maintaining that lie of optimism. I believe just as sure as I exist there must be someone out there that is my soulmate. I don’t believe in souls. But the word, soul, helps describe something that I dont think any other word encompasses, a soul is not a mind, a soul is not a body, a soul is a connection. It carries meanings beyond the physical, beyond the mental, it implies that there is more to this existance than the meat on our bodies. I love that concept, and I believe more than anything else that there is someone out there, with whom I can share that kind of deep connection.
I am an athiest, but not. I do not think that there is no god. I don’t care if there is a god, and thats final. God could appear before me and command my attention, proclaiming “look upon your world and know my presence.” I would reply, “politely go fuck yourself.” Yeah, its smug, its ungrateful, but in my life, and many many others god has been nothing but a taunting figure, a contradiction of everything that is good and bad about humanity. People live their lives for god, and thats great, they have something to live for and I can get that. But I sincerely believe this is not some final exam, not a prep course for the afterlife, or even a cycle of repetition with cosmic goodwill throwing you into different bodies over time. I am not a reincarnation. I was never anything in a past life, because this life is my only one, and I will live it.
I have no impressive history in the scene, and honestly I don’t expect I ever will. I love too many things to really put those things aside for the sake of attending more meetings, or making myself more popular among the fetish scene. I love intricate rope work, and I suppose if I ever got a day to just sit down with a willing partner I might make some neat little works of art on someone, but really I don’t do this for anyone but myself and my partner.
I’m flexible in many ways, I pick up skills quickly and I have good coordination, but I’m often either too confident in my abilities and end up dissapointing myself or I feel so intimidated by an act that I give up before I even try, even when I probably could have succeeded if I had tried. My history is wide and varied and mostly boring. I lived a very suburban life with happy parents and one sibling who gets along well enough with me. I swam as a child and would like to find more time in the day to start up again. I’ve taken tidbits of about 6 different martial arts now, ranging from the well known Tae Kwon Do to the more obscure Kali, which I continue now. I won’t claim that much competence, but when it comes to looking like a fool, I can compete with the best of them. In my very early years I was actually a gymnast, and trained mostly with the paralell bars and balance beam, I quit because at the time it seemed a “girly” thing to do. If I could go back and talk some sense into myself I wish I could, but it has given me the all around flexibility that I can tell makes many suprised. I’m recently a member of a crossfit training gym and find myself enjoying the feeling of conqouring new workouts and competing for time with others in the gym.
I’m studing Biology in college, with a side project of getting a second degree in Rhetoric and Writing, because in all honesty my plans involve going to graduate school and becoming a researcher in a lab, preferably working on some of the crazy stuff you get warned about in sensationalist movies and tv shows. I have an idea for how to implement simple and reversible genetic changes that could lead to such advances in medical sciences as extremely prolonged life spans, regenerative medicine, and on the fetish side of things, grow tentacles, alter genders, and make life more fun for everyone (except prudes). I love biology and I would love to talk about it with you if you bring it up, but I know my opinions often fall on deaf ears so I tend to just keep quiet unless asked about it. The rhetoric degree is a kind of easy way to increase my gpa, because even though I have a passion for the subject I still have to admit memory is not my strong suit. I forget names, I forget dates, I t protiens, I forget enzymatic pathways. Its not that I’m disinterested in what I forget, its just that my brain lets information slip through the cracks sometimes, and I just forget things. If I forget your name, or that we’ve met before, please please don’t take it personally, I just do that sometimes despite my best efforts. Why rhetoric and writing? Because I enjoy writing, it provides a wonderfull and rare opportunity for me to measure my words, be precise in what I mean, and to say things without pressure of making a mistake. Of course, I make mistakes in my writing all the time, probably multiple times this paragraph, but the difference is that I can spend the time to order the thoughts in my head. That little difference makes all the difference to me, it changes my narrative from one of uncertainty to how I often really feel. It lets me speak in a clear voice that I don’t need to concern myself with pronounciation, with issues of appropriate word choice, or with whether or not my speech is interesting, because if your still reading this you must find it interesting on some level.
I said my childhood was nice, but really there’s another lie I tell myself and often believe. My adolecent life was marred by a long undiagnosed case of major depressive disorder, starting from about age 14 to earlier this year. I hated myself, I hated other people, and I wished I could be like them. It was a paradox of feeling like I should be better, looking at others and seeing only the flaws in myself, and hating them and myself for it. It ruined my attempts at relationships, it ruined my social life. It sucked the joy out of everything I did and spat it back out at me as seething self loathing. It continues to scar my life because during those major formative years I spent most of my time trying to avoid those people I could hardly talk to without hating them and myself, so consequently I burried my depression in fantasy. I read and played online games, like Dark Age of Camelot mostly, and let my life pass me by. I convinced myself that I wasn’t doing myself any favors by acting that way when I came to college, to UT about four years ago. I stopped gaming, and tried to socialize, only to meet with crippling social anxiety due to having only associated myself with a small group of D&D players in my late years of highschool. I found myself unable to relate to anyone around me, unable to talk normally. This continued for some time, while I slowly but surely built a small social bulwark against my loneliness, a new D&D group. Things were tolerable for a time, I resumed reading and took up a new method for exploring narrative, Anime. It was fun, for a while to see old stories and plots given a different cultural slant and direction, to see how another culture views everyday life and the societal expectations of their fiction and fantasy. It also led to my discovery of my inner deviant. Of course when one thinks of the Japanese, you think of strange fetish porn, and I found it. It was my secret shame, my strange obsession with something I didn’t immediately identify as even remotely normal. It was yet another thing that made me different.
Fast forward a little bit and enter early this year. I hit a low point, I knew I would not graduate on time for the 4 years I had wanted, and worse, my gpa was too low to even consider applying to any of the graduate schools I had hoped to enter. I seriously felt like I was less than worthless, like I was just a black hole of dissapointment for myself and my family. I gave serious consideration on how to end my life in a way that wouldn’t cause many people much trouble. It was then I considered actually getting help. I saw a therapist, talked about myself to someone other than myself for the first time, and started looking into options for getting my life back. I started taking medication, not alot, but enough to get me to start feeling like I was worth something. I started to feel better about myself, I started to understand what had been just out of reach for so long, I started to like myself for myself. Of course not everything is so easy, I’m still socially awkward, still have a bit of trouble getting interested in things that seem to be interesting to most. I’m learning to not give a fuck though, I’m learning to let the me that was the small voice in my head telling me I can do something if I just put my mind to it steer me in the right direction. I can finally square my shoulders and feel good about who I am. I love this feeling. I love being in control of my life again. I can’t get enough of it.
Every day is something of a new experience now, I’m discovering so many things I enjoy that I didn’t before because before there just wasn’t anything that felt good. I’ve found I love excersize, I love dancing with a passion, I love trashy techno, I love classic rock, I love music. All music. My horizon’s have been removed and all I’ve got now is an infinite expanse of possibility and a few points of reference.
I still wonder if this much text is enough to adequately describe how I feel, or what I’m like in person. Like I said, I tend to be more reserved with my words in person, partly due to anxiety and partly due to a desire to not say something inappropriate. I tend to end conversations that way.
I love to think about problems and their solutions, about things the future may hold and what the past really tells us. I like people in a nebulous impersonal way, because just when you think they’ll do something predictable someone in a crowd stands out and shouts “Hey, lets all be reasonable human beings about this guys” and people actually LISTEN. I love how someone can be so unabashedly in love with something that it bleeds into everything they do. I may not love the thing they love but I can at least appreciate the passion they have for it.
I sometimes like to paint, or draw, or just throw things at other things and appreciate the music of deconstructing an object in a way it was never intended. I love animals, because they show pure raw emotion and express themselves honestly. A cat will not bother with a person unless it is hungry or just looking to be petted, a dog will bark at anyone it feels is threatening, or maybe it just wants to alert you someone is at the door, or it just feels like it. It treats every time you open a door and come home as if you had been at war with an enemy you never thought to return from, every moment is cherished. I own a ferret, his name is Wash, but he unfortunately will never understand this because it seems he’s deaf. He is adorable and playful and musky in that peculiar way a “descented” ferret is.
I probably forgot something.
Also on .
