Unlike a large number of people here, my interests don't fall under the category of looking for anything at all really.  I am very comfortable in my own skin with the person and unique individual I am and have been for many, many years.  I could be "alone" as it were and still feel a sense of fulfillment based on the experiences I allow myself to have beyond the scope of those which involve other people.  Nature is a good example.  Music is another.  A novel or volume of poetry both equal thirds.

We really are no different than the rest of the world despite our sexual proclivities though in some narcissitic way or another we tend to think that we're terminally the exception, the most deviant, the most grandiose "real" dominant in the world.  It's kind of amusing really.

Anyhow...

People ask the strangest questions here.  I guess that it doesn't really impress me to be asked a strange question.  Go see a shrink for those or ask someone who ..I don't know, cares.  I think my profile is pretty clear as to what I eventually want, whether I have it or not.  I'm alright with either outcome.

I am a sadist.  To what degree has been based on situational factors.  I enjoy force, humiliation, slapping, spitting (on), pissing (on), bondage, feminization (in some cases), strap ons, flogging, whipping, spanking, and caning.  Foot worship, edging, machine involvment (milking, anal), domestic service and finally

....monogomy, in a self-chosen definition of the term.

I don't fit a mold.  I have no interest in molds or typicalities or fitting a stereotype.  My expectations are that I as the dominant partner in an eventual relationship control every facet of my submissive's existance. 

A few examples

When I arrive home from work I want my supper waiting for me.  I want my partner kneeling perhaps, prepared to eat from pet bowls or my fingertips. 

I will be bathed.

I want my home cleaned spotless.

I want my submissive ready to bend over or open up his or her mouth at the snap of my fingertips and take my cock (strap ons at this time; however, I'm strongly interested in FtM transitioning just to the point of having a functional penis when and if that day convincingly ever comes with sceicne and medicine.  It would be nice to have more female doctors interested in levelling the transexual playing field but as per the western male dominant norm and tradition, MtF transexuals are far more important to focus on apparently for functional and aestheitically appealing transformations.  For the record, I'm slandering the medical community, not transexuals.  Be sure to understand that before you get offended.).

Again, a mere few examples of the eventual ideal if I involve myself in a relationship when my goals are completed.  I very well may not.  I really do enjoy my own personal time and space and pursuing things of other interest to me that aren't hinged on another person.

This will definately be my most explicit posting in my journal.  I hope it clear up the strange questions.  If it doesn't, the 'delete' button works as it always has, no doubt.

I'm not smoking.  This is a very positive thing for me despite those that just adore being used as human ashtrays.  I'd prefer to live for awhile without the health hazards smoking seems to cause and will forgo the human ashtray treatment.  Awe...

I've been busy I suppose, keeping myself entertained with school (nine weeks left and one wretched math course) as well as a mindless pastime I was indulging in with a person I've now parted ways with.

I returned to a significant amount of mail in my box here.  I think I'll start by saying, thanks for the mail folks; however, do keep in mind that I'm not a whore, I'm a dominant woman and fulfilling your sexual fantasies is not even on the totem pole of signifcance or interest for me.  Try something a little more clever and witty, a smidge more intellectually stimulating, something creative and thoughtful beyond your sexual patheticisms, kay?

"I'll be updating my journal." <--how many times can I say that and actually do it more than say one time every six months? I guess we'll see.

I haven't been here in months and I see some things have changed or I simply never noticed they existed before, such as the video and audio chat options.  I wonder what those are...oodles of fun to play with no doubt.

I received several messages while away from collarme.com and it was refreshing to see a few familiar names attached to them.  I would of course apologize for not being here more frequently, yet I cannot muster the sincerity to since my life has been very active and moving forward with my goals and pursuits.  I'm finally looking at getting my first degree in psychology in April--yay me.  I'm registered now through my BA and my five year plan remains ever intact.

Now back to this lovely little corner of the bdsm meeting world.  I've received a few requests for photos and have shared my pictures with a few individuals; however, I believe strongly in learning and knowing unique individuals based on something a little more in depth than a physical representation of a person.  Does this mean I have a bearded chin? Perhaps a smattering of constellationlike moles painting my face and body? Does this mean I am anorexic or grossly obese? Not in the slightest. 

I mean what I say and say what I mean and my photo will be offered to those I care and choose to share it with which does not include random strangers who may look pretty but who don't have a great deal of depth to make them truly attractive to me personally and who furthermore, haven't given me any reason to share my physical likeness with.  Take that as you will.

I should also clearly state that I am not interested in casual meetings, casual sex, or anything along those lines (oh my, why am I here again?) and again my five year plan really doesn't leave much room for these types of pointless distractions and insipid conversation in general.  If however you know who you are and would like to talk, feel free to mail me and we'll see how things progress from there.

I'll be checking back and in more frequently now and look forward to seeing some of you again. :)

I absolutely love gay men and have always gotten along famously with them.  One of my dearest friends Bill with whom I've shared more than one catfight and more than one tear of joy or angst has often told me that I am little more than a man trapped in a woman's body.  I find this of course almost...-almost- insulting for being a woman certainly has its merits beyond pms and the once -a-month-ringer and besides, he for one, should be grateful I am -not- in fact a man.  He's certainly not my type.

I hope no one takes offense below..and if you do, lighten up.  Bill told me about this song and I found 2 really great videos on youtube of it.  One is World of Warcraft related and is hilarious--to me anyhow, and the other version is the original video by the Hazzards.
-------------------
Gay Boyfriend-The Hazzards

One, two, ready go!
la la la la la la la la la la la

I'm tired of boys who make me cry!
They cheat on me and they tell me lies!
I've one I love who'll never stray
When he sees other girls, he looks away
And if he never kisses me, well that's alright
'Cuz we can just cuddle all night!

Gay boyfriend, gay boyfriend
I don't really care that you are queer!
Gay boyfriend, gay boyfriend
I never feel lonely when you are near!

It'll be a great romance
We'll go shopping and buy tight pants!
You don't care how big my ass is, just how fabulous my dress is!

Gay boyfriend, gay boyfriend
I don't really care that you are queer!
Gay boyfriend, gay boyfriend
I never feel lonely when you are near!

la la la la la la la la la la
One, two, ready go!

You cry at movies on our dates.
Romantic comedies sure are great!
But when you're sad I'll dry your tears
'Cuz I'll always think that you are fierce!

I like cigarettes, and that's no gag
But you'll always be my favourite fag
You'll always be my favourite fag.
You'll always be my favourite...fag.

My gay boyfriend, gay boyfriend
I don't really care that you are queer!
Gay boyfriend, gay boyfriend
I never feel lonely when you are near!
Gay boyfriend, gay boyfriend
I don't really care that you are queer!
Gay boyfriend, gay boyfriend
I never feel lonely when you are near!

Walking through the seasons of each year of my life, I have always felt the observer of things.  This does not mean by any standard of measurement that I am not an active participant of living life.  What it does mean however is that I have learned it is more than alright to be different and to be self accepting of such resultingly.

I have been engaged three times.  Three times I have ended potentially life altering relationships refusing to settle for anything less than what I know spiritually and emotionally would be fulfilling to me and for me.  I cannot exist in the confines of a vanilla, a "normal" relationship anymore than I can sell myself short in very base, "simpler" ways.  I do not, for example..wear uncomfortable shoes.  I'll pay the extra dollar for a good pair that lasts a long time and allow my feet daily comfort.  On the flipside, I cannot see putting myself in great debt by purchasing a new car when the little pickup truck I drive albeit old, serves me well.  I cannot read trashy romance novels, the local newspaper or adapt to listening to rap music.  I cannot sucessfully tolerate being around those focused on shallow aims and desires.  This obviously discludes me from commonly accepted "friendship and fellowship" yet I am my own best and worst company and what is right for many, though not right or enjoyable for me, is perfectly fine for others and I will not say that I am better or worse as the result, as a person nor will I or do I judge others for their choices or decisions. 

I cannot look at men and not wonder how they would serve me if they are attractive to me in any number of ways.  I cannot conform to being the girlfriend or wife, or that partner accessory to a man's character makeup.

All of thse things, though different comparatively speaking are little things about me, -of- me as it were.  They are but a small measure of the tangible, the intangible as well,  components of 'me'.  

It is interesting how a word or statement of one's preferences and motivations on any level can alter the course of human events in one's life. I recall with fondness a significant relationship I shared with a man that ended after one discussion of our sexual fantasies after three years of being together on a pleasant yet unfulfilling in many ways journey.

Paraphrased:
"I would greatly enjoy binding your wrists and ankles, your cock and balls,  blindfolding you, inflicting my assortment of whips against the canvas of your flesh to observe your responses and reactions.  I would enjoy forming the solid collar of light steel around your neck for the perfect fit.  I bought it from a place called JT's Stockroom.  It rests in the box it was sent to me in along wiht the tootsie roll they sent with it amusingly. .....No..no you didn't know I have these things, but I do.  They are in my closet unused.  I take them out on some occasions and regard them with an unspoken affinity and an active imagination born from the quintessence of my nature.  I would greatly enjoy hearing your voice and the words formed from its deepness in sincerity.."yes Mistress" as you knelt and complied to my will because it was your will as well from the need of your own nature."

Of course there was more.  It was one of those rare intimate conversations two people share in trusted blatant honesty.  And again it was one of those conversations that resulted in a pleasant parting of ways with a friendship forged and maintained to this day.  Where every other element of a sound, good ..a successful relationship to last a lifetime were present, the true wholeness and completion of oneness were not present.

If I could "settle" for a good man, for a man who was superb in every sense barring his submission to me, I would be utterly miserable, no doubt even though I would be 'normal'...so to speak and if others would look into their lives with their partners past and present, refusing to "settle" as I have, hm..would the divorce rate be as high? Ha.

And so I return to my convictions and personal beliefs of sharing my life with another human being: I cannot be happy, fulfilled with societal "normalcy" and resultingly, prefer my own company for better or worse, richer or poorer, through sickness and health as long as I live.