~~~I told a friend, years ago, of how i felt, sexually at times.  How i become euphoric or in need or had a strange desire to be controlled, to be set free.  It was the only word i knew to describe how i felt  This went against what i thought was me.  I was very self-sufficient, very independent.  I would not allow anyone to control me. .  It was suggested to me, to have a Dominatrix.  I was shocked and said NO.  I had no idea of what it was, but knew it was not for me.  Kissing someone's boots, walking around in skimpy leather.  I'd only seen stuff in movies and knew nothing of it really.  

Nearly three years ago, i told same friend of a phone conversation.  What bad things were mentioned to me, and how i could not put the phone down or hang up.  I was drawn by what he said.  I was moved, and fascinated, disturbed, was aroused even.  I even fantasized for a moment and still have the fantasy.  The friend then directed me here.  "Don't say a thing, don't ask me questions, just do it.".  I did.  How very thankful i am for what i have learned of myself.  

It was hard, to admit that i was submissive after i learned what it meant.  After two years, i realized i have a slave's heart.  I hunger for use, need to appease.  I thrive on making one happy, to see the smile.  I get off on his desire and pleasure.  I always have.  To submit to someone, will indeed be a joy after all this time.  To know someone worthy of it in that i can trust with all that i have to give.  Someone who has the talent and desire, need, to take all of me.  ~~~

Does this answer you a bit?  

81711

Master, 

This girl longs to see into Your eyes,

to find solace and belonging there.  

Seeing Your wonder of who she is,

and what she may become.

This girl dreams of the day when Your hand reaches for hers.

The night with Your arms round her, she's finally home. 

Her head tucked into You, where she dreams of life, of Us.

This girl lives once more, 

finding new life, 

new meanings,

new abilities.  

Finding purpose where once,  

was misplaced strength. 

Where Your desires 

are now hers with intensity.

Gaining an insight to things 

allowing to share in phenomenal ways.

With a trust so deep,

bringing ease of obedience,

growing adoration for You like no other.

You, in her mind before waking,  

even in her slumbering dreams.  

Wishing to hear Your voice,   

before eyes do open.  

Better still, to feel Your body beside hers.  

Respect, there is something that is very much a part of what i feel.   

Power, there is where i feel myself slipping away into You...  

....Master. 

11:37am  60411

What does one write while half asleep, taking barbiturates, and feeling better????  The tooth pain is so much better.  It's been a good day already.  Woke very happy feeling less pain and taking only non prescriptive meds.  

Patience.. is part of me.  It is me that needs patience.  Patience is a part of my existence and ability to deal with others in any situation.   I don't judge what others may not or may do.  How could i?  I walked not one moment in their shoes.  I've been places i cannot explain.  I've experienced things i cannot tell.  I believe each of us has their own path to travel.  Whether chosen by us, or not.  Does it matter?  I have believed for a long time, that in order to achieve acceptance, one needed reason.  Or at least would help.  Maybe what i should have thought was, closure.  Something i never thought i needed.  

I am claimed, until i Feel as though i am not.   It is all the things that are claimed to begin with, that have to be set free.  Not just a word, or the lack there of.  Time is now mine, to accept or not, how i feel, what i think.  

Clarity is what i ask for.  No argument, no combativeness.  ~sighs.

4 2 11

What can be said, of one who claims to be good, and may be.  One who claims honest, and may be.  One claims wise.. maybe.  Who claims, loving, life, travel, teaching, honor, respect, patience like no other, to meet, ... so many things, and just may be.

What is a girl to do, when so much is shared, so many happy moments, yet once more, it ends.  For no reason Given.

Yes, there were indications, feelings, little things that happened, were seen, pricked the mind.  But when honesty and openness is promised, should not a girl, trust.  Have faith.  It's work.  It's business.  It's timing.  Learn to trust.  Why would there be any other reason.  Wouldn't he tell you if he were losing interest, or if there were some other explanation?

{editing and writing elsewhere}

The worse thing about it, is like so many men, just seem to fade or walk away with not one single word.  Just...gone.  Mutha Fuckers.. please, just stay away.

It may take some,

and I do share a lot,

but know this.

I am strong.

I am honest.

I have patience.

I will continue to learn without a Master

I will grow and know hurt comes as the cost.

'You opened the door,

and invited me in.

You closed the door before i could enter,

I can see inside..

I want in.'

2 08 09

fear, unknowing, questions

The door opens once more,

Answers appear

realizations do come,

clicks, sense, growing.

Smiles of mind

followed by flesh.

the teachings begin..

1 11

HE says he swims deep... I am intrigued by the idea of it. HE says, he sees me... and i feel it. I am amazed at how he does. HE says, i am safe within Him... i feel him in and through my being, protecting my mind and all else. HE says he is my avenging angel... and i see him as such. HE says, in time we will part, and some times, i quite realize what He truly is. Not mine for the keeping. But here for me, with me, to heal and teach.. to make aware, to grow and realize my every potential. For me to see what he does, all of me. To remember who i am, not was. HE builds me up. HE is, my angel.

Reading the journal entries from the beginning.  3/15/09.  So naive and innocent.  I was learning quickly of meanings   Variations and labels.. even labeling of me.  I remember being asked so often, 'are you a slave or a sub?'.  I got frustrated.  Pushed.  I didn't like being pushed.  I got pissed quite often.  

What am I.  A girl.. nearly two years I've wanted, needed, and hoped to have one man.. one dominant.. one Master.  No, I don't really search nor seek him out.  

What I want now is to learn.  Not for my pleasure or gratification, but to learn.  Who am I?  What am I?  I get tired of so many opinions.  

I still want what I wanted from the start...

Connection and depth between Master and slave.  

Unbound trust.

Structure and discipline.

That trust will be the most treasured thing in my chest.  Priceless.  Protected.  To give all that I am to One, my very life, to serve, be protected, nurtured.  To please and pleasure in any way He desires.  Yes.. even if it means my body will be shared.  Do I want it, no.  Do i want to please Him, yes.  Will i do it to please Him?  My submission will of all of me.  

~~slave dreamss

011011

For you...

When hurt is gone, and the good memories remain along with a remnant of the feelings that held a person so close to your heart and thoughts.. peace comes to the body, and all that are within.

~~dreamss

13009

How very happy she is having had contact from him once more... When he came into sight, she felt herself stop breathing. All she wanted was to touch him, hear him. With her arms wrapped round him, she felt peace, contentment and a smile that was sweet.

Is there doubt??

By all means.

Is there hope??

Even foolishly.

Does it matter??

Yes, but no.

I feel what I feel, and cannot change it. Hope is in never needing or wanting to.

~~dreamss

i do miss my sadist,.. friend for such a short time.  Hope you are well, wish you would phone, write, message...

I may have labeled myself as submissive, I do not know what I am... I was enticed by a man, My wording very much indicated things I was not aware of... Reading back to many things I have written, Not only to him... I realize now that I do have submissive tendencies, But I do not know what it is I want... ~~Dreamss 20809