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| I am new and possibly way out of my depth. All i know is am drawn to whatever this yearn is that turns me on. Starts back to when i was in high school. I fancied myself a pet to my bf (master). Also bought my first pair of plastic handcuffs around that time. Though i believe sadism and masochism isn't for me. I have never found joy in being with someone that's wasn't sure of himself and the role he held as my major, the Mr. J to my Harley Quinn without the s&m (a bit of a comic nerd) i like dominated, ravished, spanked, bondaged, commanded, ruled..its freedom, release, is unexplainable. I am very complicated, even to myself, I am shy, yet can be very outspoken. Intelligent but still very naive, eager yet reluctant. But curious most of all. I am yet to finish the fifty shades... Don't judge... But it opened my eyes that bdsm was not limited to the weird, seemingly painful, seriously umcomfy. I don't want just the kinky play and exploration. I want the love and adoration of kind partner, emotional and mental connection. I want to find that one, i can finally exhale with and give my all
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I have been doing a lot of thinking. With minor set backs in my personal life and my choice to wait for something more than mutual wanton. it was brought to my realization that this is the longest I have ever abstained from emotional and sexual support of a lover. It causes me to be alone with myself. Now while I don't self loathe. I am, lost, braving my secrets and fears by myself. I noticed one way or the other I had always belonged to someone (of course the first being my parents ..Lol) from puberty were I had my first crush to my lesbian phase to my wild rebellious phase. Now, for the first, I belong to myself. This causes me to think about all the things I miss, all the things I want. Brings me to topic of what I want to what may actually be realistic. Is it horrible that I refuse to give up my concept of true love. A question I am now pedalling in my thoughts |
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My disappointment, it's been awhile since i have been here, reason being, i thought i had met someone not as a Dom, but more. Suddenly I am without collar again. And I can't help but think if I will ride that roller coaster often here. I am looking for someone peculiar, authentic, not just an online fling. I won't jump into a commitment, since I don't always make good calls on choice of lovers. I don't want anyone to "woo" me, and pick my brain, if u won't stay long enough to own me. Right now, feels like I lost something, so I am moving even slower now. It's obvious, emotions are even more involved in this life more than any other. And hurt doesn't feel good. At all. Don't pursue me for temporary amusement. Have a heart, or conscience. |
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Hmmm. It's been, amazing, learning more... The more I know... The more I am enthralled... Pulled in by the bitter sweet taste of curiosity ... And if no better way to say it, instincts. I am understanding more, what I want... Done to me, with me, in me. The only thing missing is the right eyes to look into me, for me to look back into. I don't want a master, don't think u can be my sole ruler, dictator. I live to love u, make u happy, be your muse in love and art and sex, but I know no blind obedience or lack the intelligence to sass. I yearn to be ruled by the right one, to trust with the deepest parts of my soul, to be kissed by the right lips and swept away into what the darkest corners of my heart desires but denies itself. I still doubt myself, or scared really. Saying once I do this I will never go back, never escape this world. And I will be consumed and my spirit lost into haze of fiery lust. But I do not run. I cannot. What could I go back to? Being unfulfilled, untamed, same old story of Misunderstood. I never much cared for boring sex. Doesn't this world already have me caught then? How do I make myself whole if I can almost touch her, but too afraid to reach for her. I will not back down. I would rather be swallowed and spat back out than run from this call, the magnetic pull. I trod carefully though, I am on to you crazies who wanna own me but not know me. I am no trophy. I want a man, not a monster, a beast but not a brute. I take pride in him, his capabilities, his passions, his witts, his heart, his pride, his protection, his Seduction, his charisma, his pleasure, his peace, his honesty, His compassion. Even his vengeance. I will not know for sure if I am cut out for this. I am yet to stop splashing my toes and take a swim. Feel the real thing. To find my Sir. Have his hands on me. But I am eager. I want to try. I want to...so bad |
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Day 1- scanning through a few profiles, eyeing the like and love lists.... Is this what I want? What of my soul if I give over to this? Who do I trust? At war with myself to run away, and still wait for chocolate in world of vanilla to find me on its own. Wishful thinking, right? I don't want to be shoved off the deepest end of bdsm. Am no sadist or masochist, nor am I sure I will be a good fit for anyone like that. The only marks I like in my skin are hickies. Does that make me too narrow minded? I want the bondage, the dominance, embrace my submissive, trust, love. And someone who won't wise-assingly strap a C-4 to my limits in attempt to blow them through the roof. I am born Jamaican, carved by my culture, i can be stubborn, stiff even to some limit testing. As much as I want to give myself. I do not want to lose myself. I am beyond nervous about this initiative to explore this world. I am near panicky about getting mixed into the wrong crowd or person. I am trying to find resolve in myself and the strength to leap into something I have been mulling over for years. I am afraid though, the wrong one, or no one will be at the bottom to catch me |
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