1.) Why Poly

From the beginning of human existence, humans were polyamorous and lived in family groups. Actually polyamorous relationships are common in more than half the world's population. In the other half (Euro centric populations) it's covered with a veneer of hypocrisy.

Why? The Roman Catholic and Eastern Orthodox (Eastern Catholic) churches. Held the Council of Trent. In the 24th session:

"Being the eighth under the Sovereign Pontiff, Pius IV., celebrated on the eleventh day of November, MDLXIII. (1558)

ON THE SACRAMENT OF MATRIMONY.

CANON I.-If any one saith, that matrimony is not truly and properly one of the seven sacraments of the evangelic law, (a sacrament) instituted by Christ the Lord; but that it has been invented by men in the Church; and that it does not confer grace; let him be anathema.

CANON II.-If any one saith, that it is lawful for Christians to have several wives at the same time, and that this is not prohibited by any divine law; let him be anathema.

(Anathema: Excommunicated, damed to hell and in some cases put to death.)

Given the total control of Europe by the Catholic Church at the time, poly went underground, and has stayed there.

Shouldn't poly be a choice that free people may choose?


2.) Dominants and Actors.

If you're observant and inquisitive, you can recognize the difference. True Dominants are dominant in all aspects of their lives. Not just in kinky scenes or relationships. They are "take charge" and are "be in charge" types. Never whiners or complainers. They take responsibility and solve problems. The real Dominant will be able to describe themselves in other than lifestyle situations. How they have solved problems and lead others in achieving a goal.

The acting dominants whine and complain about many things in their life, and cannot describe how they have successfully lead others to achieve something. They are NOT true Dominants. To put it bluntly, talking "bad ass" is what fake acting dominants do. Frequently they will say that you have no right to ask questions if you pin them down and ask tough questions.

3.)Master, Mistress, slave, Dominant,submissive... What Do They Really Mean.?

There seems to be great deal of confusion in many minds about the differences in the meaning of the terms Dominant and Master/Mistress, and submissive and slave.

Dominant and submissive describe personality traits. They are usually self descriptive, but can be determined by psychoanalysis. True Dominants tend to be controlling, while submissives tend to follow the direction of those who are Dominant. True Dominants tend to be natural leaders, while submissives tend to be natural followers.

There is no implied relationship between people using these terms to describe themselves. The Dominant is merely desiring to be the leader, and the submissive is desiring to be the follower in a relationship. Any relationship between a Dominant and a submissive is a matter of what they mutually agree the terms of that relationship will be.

A Master is a Dominant that has total control, leadership authority and responsibility for a submissive partner(s), usually referred to as a slave(s). The terms Master and slave are not personality traits, but rather define a desired relationship, or existing relationship. The slave is a submissive that is totally dedicated to the relationship, surrenders all authority and control over his/her life to the Master. (see the official definition of slave at the end of this journal).

For this reason, it is imperative that both persons desiring to get into a long term Master/slave relationship, such as 24/7 TPE, make it absolutely clear how all the details of managing a 24/7 live in relationship will be handled. That includes ALL the "vanilla" activities needed in everyday life. NOT just alternative lifestyle or  fetish type activities. Most overlook this and the relationship is very troubled at best.  Get all these details worked out before the relationship get's to the point of actually "moving in." Ensure that HARD LIMITS are clearly specified. And if hard limits are violated, it is a very serious breach of the agreed terms of the relationship.

It must be pointed out that Master/slave relationships should be complimentary. That is complete opposites make a perfect whole. Both must be "giver" types. If one or both is a "taker" the relationship will fail.

While there are some submissives/slaves that claim that they want to be objectified or reduced to mindless robots and doormats, that is actually extremely rare in practice, and such statements are usually a flight of fantasy found in the profiles of the inexperienced and uninformed.

At no period in history were slaves treated as mindless robots or doormats, although there were probably rare instances of that. Slaves were given tasks to perform and usually treated well, to keep them productive and useful. And many slaves actually rose to high positions of authority. Slaves were valued for their skills and productivity.

For some reason, the fact that in history, prisoners were at times chained to a wall in a dungeon or prison, has crept into the minds of many so called knowledgeable novices, as defining the life of a slave in a Master/slave relationship. Nothing could be further from the truth. This is probably due to Hollywood, romantic adult fiction and listening to the uninformed.

Any submissive or slave that wants this life is a "taker" that contributes nothing and takes everything. No Master with any experience, ability or skill will tolerate such a submissive or slave.

For more information about this or other aspects the lifestyle go to Wikipedia.com and use the search engine to locate what you're interested in. Asking a question in a forum will result in all manner of opinions. Many of which are uninformed personal opinions, or anecdotal experiences. Example... "I was in a car accident and I will not ride in a car again. If you ride in a car you'll be in an accident too." Silly right?

If you would like to discuss any aspects of this or the succeeding blog, feel free to contact me.

NOTE: A useful definition from the Merriam-Webster dictionary.

Main Entry: 1slave

Pronunciation: \ˈslāv\

Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English sclave, from Anglo-French or Medias the printer of a computer) that is directly responsive to another

Definition of SLAVE

1:  a person held in servitude as the chattel of another

2:  one that is completely subservient to a dominating influence

3:  a device (as the printer of a computer) that is directly responsive to another

4:  drudge, toiler

2: Defines what a "slave" is in an M/s relationship

4.) The difference between love and a strong bond.

Love a dreamy state, frequently a form of lust, and built on romance in literature since the beginning of time. Handsome Prince and Beautiful Princess fall in love and live happily ever after. It can happen but rarely. It's really not workable in the alternative lifestyle very well. Vanilla with "kink" is very difficult to sustain.

What does work, is forming a strong bond between those involved. A bond between those involved is what makes great military units, great winning sports teams, and almost all other groups that work together to accomplish something. and are successful. They do not have a dreamy "love" relationship with each other, although they can and  usually do care very much about each other.

Think about it. Questions? Ask me.

FINDING THE RIGHT ONE

Finding the "right one" online is like prospecting for gold. One must shovel a lot of dirt to find a real gold nugget or two. So anyone with a sincere search must accept that. A successful search takes time and perseverance.

Those who fill their profile or journal with complaints about the dirt they must shovel, are probably not the "nuggets" that others search for.  Just accept the fact that a free site like collarme, has more than it's share of fakes and flakes. Use the delete key as necessary.

Some hints... if you include erotic or suggestive photos with your profile to attract more responses, you will do just that. Every CHDW (Clueless Horny Dominant Wannabe), fly and maggot will crawl out from under a rock and email you. Playboy puts an exquisite centerfold in every issue to attract these very people. (I don't read or subscribe to these magazines.) Such photos appeal to the male viewer's sexual fantasies.

Most truly experienced Dominants/Masters will not respond to profiles, where there is information that specifically excludes them. So a profile with no text, only a few words, or consists of nothing more than complaints about all the bad responses that you've received, aren't very informative. Be as specific as you can.

The flip side of that coin is that you may eliminate many fine opportunities. For example... if you write that you're looking for a Dominant/Master, who is no older than 20, with 10 years experience, for a 24/7 TPE live in relationship, you probably won't get any valid responses. Although you may get a ton of responses from the CHDWs, especially if you have a suggestive or explicit photo. These types typically will not read your profile anyway.

Try to review your profile for obvious contradictions. Most truly experienced Dominants/Masters read profiles carefully and view obvious contradictions as coming from someone that's possibly a bit flaky..!! A frequent contradiction... relocation is checked off, and contact is described as limited to online/cyber only. How does that work..?? One could write a book on all the contradictions one sees.

A big problem is using alternative lifestyle terms, without apparently knowing what they really mean. Hence causing the reader of a profile to be either confused or misinformed. This will also cause you to get responses, that don't match what you're seeking.

The most misused is 24/7 Total Power Exchange. This is the zenith of the M/s lifestyle. It really is defined as a live in, real time Master/slave relationship. It means something that is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for 365 days a year. With the Total Power Exchange describing the fact that the slave has given his/her power and will to the Master. The Master accepts this on the same basis and is totally responsible for both himself and his slave. Anything else is just an illusion.

Anyone who claims to be available as Master or slave that says they are married, need discretion, or fails to admit they are in some sort of "other relationship" and is in anyway secretive or limits communication, requires you to use the delete key ASAP.

Avoid using 24/7 TPE if you seek an occasional play partner or a lesser relationship. There are no breaks, vacations or time off in a 24/7 M/s relationship for either Master or slave, be they together or temporarily apart.  This requires a great deal of skill and responsibility on the part of the Master, and a great deal of commitment and resolve on the part of both the Master and the slave.  It should not be undertaken lightly or frivolously on the part of either partner.

Some vanilla marriages could be accurately described as 24/7 TPE.  Some other vanilla marriages become 24/7 confusion. The same applies to alternative lifestyle relationships. The terms define the type of relationship between the participants. It really has nothing to do with any fetishes or alternative activities.

Alternatively, a 24/7 Dominant/submissive relationship usually limits the D/s role to only certain elements of the relationship, such as the bedroom or alternative lifestyle scene play.  What is included and what is excluded in the D/s aspects of the relationship are usually agreed to at the start of the relationship.  All other aspects of the relationship which have been excluded are typically "vanilla." That is, both partners handle these matters as they wish individually.  Or in some cases, where there is a mutual responsibility, such as paying the rent, both may have equal say in the matter.

Terms that need clarification...

Dominants are those who control and direct submissives. These two terms define personality traits. Essentially "leader" and "follower."

Masters are, or should be, Dominants, who will take responsibility for a submissive/slave over an extended period. There should be a bond and commitment between Master and slave. Other Dominants can merely act Dominant during play and frequently do not want to assume any responsibility for a submissive, outside of the scene or role play.

It is worth mentioning where a "switch" fits into this. A switch is in the shade of gray between pure Dominant (who never submits to anyone), and a pure submissive (who will never, ever even try to dominate anyone else. If "0 = pure submissive," and "10 = pure Dominant." Switches are somewhere in between.

Many switches can do extremely well in scene and role play, because they can define and control the play, and accept responsibility for it during the scene or role play. When the scene ends, they have no more responsibility for the submissive(s). Switches attempting to become a Master in a 24/7 Master/slave relationship frequently run into a great deal of trouble.

A switch that is a 5 or less, on the 0 to 10 scale, will probably fail fairly quickly. The closer the switch is to a 10, the better they will do in a 24/7 M/s relationship. With 24/7 total responsibility for anything and everything, switches encounter problems and situations that they are not confident they can handle. That can cause serious problems in the relationship.

A real indication of someone that is acting as a dominant while failing at it, is someone that blames others for mistakes and failures. Typically in a relationship where this happens, the submissive is blamed and even punished for the dominant's mistakes and failures. This is the most common cause of domestic violence in vanilla relationships.

RED FLAG NOTE:

If you are seeking a live in 24/7 M/s or D/s relationship, you should see a red flag if anyone claims to be dominant but mentions that they are a switch. And/or if they blame others for any mistakes or failures in any aspect of their life.

It should be obvious that "online Masters/Dominants" are about 99.99% CHDWs (Clueless Horny Dominant Wannabes), They are just trying to act out the fantasies, that they know they will never realize in real life. Do not be influenced or taken in by their act.

If you enjoy online activity and chat, look at it as the game that it is. Do not take it too seriously. Also note some of the tricks that they use to ensnare unwary submissives, that are mentioned in the final paragraphs of this entry. You should also be wary of anyone that gives themselves glorious dominant sounding screen names... such as Lord of the Universe, Master of Darkness etc.

Although the terms Master, slave, Dominant and submissive are self-awarded and used willy-nilly by people, Dominants can merely act Dominant, without any true skills other than maintaining an effective act during play. Hence many Dominants are switches at times. Masters, however should have leadership qualities that cannot be faked... those that try to play Master on an extended basis, without leadership skills, usually fail.

For Masters in a poly household,  true leadership skills are absolutely essential.

An appropriate quote... "Do not fall prey to the false belief that Mastery and Domination are synonymous with manliness."  A true Master/Mistress will withstand and welcome the test of time and being totally responsible for his/her submissive/slave. Hooking up with a faker will lead to a train wreck relationship. Sadly that happens all the time.

Submissives subordinate themselves to Dominants, but usually retain some control to specify whatever they want/need at any particular time. If a submissive is dissatisfied with a Dominant at any point, she can flip Him/Her off and walk away without any consequences.

A slave is a submissive that has formed a bond with and is committed to a Master/Mistress. The slave's objective is to serve and please the Master/Mistress at all times. It's not necessarily about sex, although that is an important part of the relationship usually. If a slave "flips off" his/her Master/Mistress there are usually dire consequences. That is, if they are truly a Master/Mistress.

Some other terms that need to be understood...

Play or Activity = an alternative lifestyle activity, such as bondage play, impact play, fire play etc.

Scene = Where a top and bottom engage in some form of play or any combination of play, such as bondage play combined with impact play... i.e. being tied up and flogged. a scene has a defined start and finish, usually agreed to before hand.

Role play = a series of scenes that tell a story. These can involve several people and last for several days. Such as... the Master acquires a new slave and takes her into his dungeon, where she is well used in hard play. (Let your fantasies imagine how many people might be involved over a weekend..!!)

Master/slave... is a never ending role play, or should be, involving a Master and slave, with ongoing other role plays, scenes and activities, however the Master and slave define and develop their relationship and it's dynamics over time. They have an enduring bond and commitment to each other, in their respective roles as Master and slave.

A final item... that is the role of Mentors.." A good Mentor is an experienced Dominant, who advises a submissive in matters of the lifestyle without any ulterior motives or "strings" attached. In writing these lines, I could be considered as a Mentor.

However there are those "Mentors," who pretend to be advisers, but with the total control of a Master. That is, they have exclusive access to a submissive, without assuming any responsibility for the submissive. Some only have the objective to recruit the sub/slave through their "guidance, advice and training."

These are the Mentors, who are referred to as "chicken hawks." They usually try to get exclusive access to a submissive, frequently including sexual access, by persuading the submissive that they are "protecting" the submissive from all the "dangers out there."

They then bar the submissive from contact with others, in the guise of protecting her from other nasty Dominants. The training always involves turning the sub/slave into what the so-called master/dominant wants. The submissive or slave is blocked from all other alternatives and even knowledge of these alternatives, which are declared improper, wrong, in appropriate, or dangerous etc.

A similar trap involves telling a submissive that they are "under consideration."  Then requiring the submissive to post this fact in the sub's profile, and add that the sub/slave is no longer taking any messages. In some cases, the so-called master/dominant requires access and passwords to the sub's email account to "review" any messages.

Where does that leave the slave/submissive..? It leaves her trapped in a box... until she figures out what's going on and leaves. The Mentor or Master/Dominant "considering her" in this case, has become a gate keeper, who allows no one through the gate.

I hope that the foregoing is helpful to those who care to read it... and if you have any thoughts, comments or questions, don't be too timid to contact me..!!