I may not be online for some time. Good luck to everyone.

I gave in and tried to upload a photo. It was refused. hmm and I thought it was a decent photo.

Perhaps I should never use the word perfection but then why do so many search for something "better" in life? Better is a more appropriate word to use. There is nothing wrong with striving for something better, to be better.........However the grass is not greener on the other side. It only appears to be so. Many will stay single (without a Master, slave, submissive) and lonely looking for something they can not have, they do not deserve or simply something/someone that does not exist. Many will also loose what they have because of this. And it is not all about how someone talks or if someone is intelligent enough either. Of course we all have a right to look for what we want in another but do not complain if you look like a troll but want a beauty queen. Do not complain tomorrow when  you are still single if when you message someone, talk to someone, read their profile and because they dont have the right words to say you dont go much further then the first message of contact.

I do so really desire to be the perfect slave for my Master.Not just in my actions but also in my appearance. Sometimes it is hard on me to realize that what many desire for their pets to be as those many pictures of the beautiful women I can not attain. He does not know this but it makes me sad. There are so many ways to try an explain how I feel in this journal. In the event that anyone decides to read my depressing bit of writing please do not misunderstand me. I do realise there must be some sort of acceptance on my Masters part as he did collar me but I do notice the longing and desire in his eyes for something more. How does this make me feel? Insecure and unworthy. Again.. please do not misunderstand what I am saying. He is a good Master in many cases. Not perfect of course but who is??? My biggest issue is that I love to be the center of his attention. So I will strive to be the pretty, slutty, obedient slave that he wants. Because in my heart this is the same that I desire. Otherwise I would not have chosen him.

I went through so many online discussions, chats, msn conversations, etc...Searched on many different sites trying to find the one I connected with. I suppose many would have said I was fake. I had many Masters trying to order me around on the first chats. Demanding things which I was not comfortable with. Some things work for some but not for others. Many misunderstandings came about after only a few message exchanges.

Finally I was contacted by somone that could actually hold my attention in a most welcome manner and also he had plenty of patience which was what I needed the most. After a few months of intense descussions between the both of us I disapeared. I was working 2 full time jobs and in school full time. I did not realise he was actually worried about me until I found my way back online. I was amazed that he was so serious about me as I had not hoped that we would ever actually meet. In my heart I wanted to be trained by him so bad and I desired our meeting. It took me forever to finally agree to meet my Master. I was absolutely pertrified to come face to face with him. It took me 7 months to finally get up enough nerve to do so. We both lived in different states which did not make our meeting all that easy. I used it as a nice excuse to wait a good while before I finally understood that I could not allow anything to stand in my way of being with this one Master that had brought me to my knees in my mind as well as my heart. In the end it was his great patience in me that won out.I wanted to take that step further. I needed to explore the potential depths to both of our lovely madness.Sometimes we are not fake sometimes we are just petrified at meeting for one reason or another. All it takes is a little or in my case a lot of patience.