Some reflections on service.

I came from a background of physical/emotional abuse in My childhood.  Typically, I am disdainful of the "My mommy and daddy didn't love me" mentality.  As adults, it is our responsibility to "get over it" and do those things necessary for our own healing.  So there is no "boo hooing" from me.  Moving on.

There were "lessons" I was taught, (thanks, dad) which, nontheless, are deeply entrenched and are difficult to "get at".  et al:

1.  You, as an individual, do not matter.  In the greater scheme of things, your insignificance is self evident.

2.  Nobody cares how you feel.  In fact, if you allow people to know how you feel, you will cross the line from their apathy to their contempt.  You give them a knife that can be used at their whim to cut you off at the knees.

3.  An equal number of people care less about what you think.  Your opinion, combined with sufficient pocket change, will buy you a can of your favorite soda.

Cheery thoughts, eh?  Certainly not to be harbored by a strong Dom who has firm control of His self and the requisite self awareness to make the necessary mental adjustments in His sub.

Then comes the great equalizer that is illness.

I take a feline-esque approach to illness.  I go hide in a corner, feeling very vulnerable and taking it as a test of My self sufficiency.  Truth be told, I also apply the aformentioned "lessons" and feel as if any personal assistance is undeserved and an impostion on the lives of others.  "Shut up and suffer quietly, please, we're busy over here".

I am fortunate to have a sub that refuses to buy into this nonsense.

As I have been ill over the past 5 days, and particularly over the past weekend, My loving sub still exposed herself to My cooties and My tepid ability to interact in order to nurture and care for Me.  I am not sure how to express My gratitude for her service, but I figure this is a start.

Sometimes, it is a good thing for a Dom to feel humble and grateful, too.  (and knowing that someone truly loves you ain't bad, either!)  To quote Jackson Browne:

"But when you know that you have a real friend somewhere, 
Suddenly all the others are so much easier to bear."

Thanks, Xar (and Pete for his ability to share).  Much love to you both. 

Summer is over.....at least for teachers, and I always look forward to the enthusiastic faces, the high hopes and expectations, and the commitment to achievement that I see at the beginning of each new school year.  Oh....then there are the students.  They don't have any of that shit....just the look of prisoners back from furlough.  Maybe it will be Salisbury Steak day in the cafeteria, at least.

I guess I have assigned Myself a "what did you do on your summer vacation" essay.  Damn.

The social highlite, I think, was going to a Diamondbacks game with My sexy sub, xarbenet.  It was an unusual venue, and the pregame fucking the evening before was (as always) fantastic.

I still harbor the fantasy of finding a female sub for U/us to play with.  Both of U/us hate shopping, though.  *laughs*

Anyway, it is probably a good thing that she is poly and living 100 miles away with her hubby, Tenebrax.  I would otherwise being in danger of fucking Myself to death.....or perhaps fucking xar to that point!  (Hmm...a morbid, but somehow delicious, thought!)

I am slowly getting involved in the poly community here in Tucson.  I know that society in general has told us that there is a "one and only" out there, but I no longer see a need for this at this juncture of My existance.  Does this make Me evil?  Selfish?  Carnal?  (gee, I hope so!) 

Looking forward to leaving My mark on xar this weekend..... never imagined that she would enjoy the feel of cold steel against her quivering (and oh so willing) flesh...and as a Dom, I aim to please (the both of U/us). 

More, later, gentle readers.....