Profiles, Pictures and Screen Names:

As it says in my profile, I write this from the perspective of a Dominant male looking for contact within the female switch/submissive/slave crowd on collarme.  I have no idea how it translates for any other dynamic.  How could I?  Take what you find of value and feel free to ignore the rest.  I promise I won't be emotionally damaged.

This journal is based on my perusing female profiles for the last several months and conclusions I've reached.  Some are things that a woman should know about men in general, and many others are suggestion to help keep the 'real' ladies from getting lost in the scams.  Because I don't care to be a source for the scam agents to refine their profiles, I won't list what they do wrong.  What I will do is suggest ways for you to separate yourself from them.  It is a real problem; believe me.

Profiles:

Write something.  Write enough that someone can get an idea of what makes you tick.  I noticed that many women just list that they want to meet Dominant Men without any sort of giving an idea of who they are or elemental snippets of what they seek.  Write that you don't know.  That is perfectly okay, but if you haven't paid any more attention to your profile than that, I probably won't pay that much attention to you.

There profiles that are nothing but quotations, no original thought whatsoever.  A chimpanzee could be trained to do that.  Some meaningful quotations, Anais Nin as an example, that touch on who you are and what you need are of value, but don't let that be the entire prose of your profile.  You may be very deep and well versed in your needs and desires, but only including someone else's words is not enough.

Use of CAPS-don't yell. There is no reason for it. You're shouting at people you have no interest in.  I get it.  You get inundated with the wrong responses or responses that you consider inappropriate.  What I don't get is the profile that tries to educate someone on how to successfully approach the poster.  This is working very hard against your own best interests.  If you are the least bit enticing, you get way more messages than you can deal with.  So, don't.  For heaven's sake, when you get something that indicates the message is from someone that is inappropriate for you, block him (or her) and delete the message.  Why in the world are you trying to clue inappropriate responses into how to successfully approach you?  You should thank them for sending you a dick shot, or whatever, discard them as not being who and what you want, and go on to the next message that may well be from someone who shows an appropriate approach. 

If you get responses from creepy old guys like me (see journal entry on Respect and Courtesy) just put in an age limit above which mail goes into your spam folder, or bulk mail or whatever they call it.  Rather than railing against the morons who don't read your profile before they send you one line and a cock shot, mentally thank them for showing you right away that they are not who you seek and don't further waste your time.  Use the block function.  That's what it's there for.  Stop yelling.  You may well be turning off the exact one you are seeking.

Political views.  If they aren't critical to the relationship you are seeking, don't include them in your profile.  No matter which you include, you immediately turn off close to half of your potential contacts.  I know that I have very strong political feelings, but I am also open to someone who feels differently.  I will be happy to convince her that she is wrong!!  lol.  If they are critical, go ahead and use them.  If getting together with a bleeding heart or a nazi would make your life untenable, then go ahead, but I think you would be better off to learn those character traits as you get to know the person.  Only my opinion.

Punctuate!!  Period.

Pictures:

Men are naturally visual and they are hunters.  You can post a picture of a white wall and you will be inundated with responses.  I am more attracted to a picture of you, which certainly need not include your face.  I write to my vision of the person I am sending a message to.  Make it enticing and I am that much more interested.

I can understand it's fun to flip off the camera, and those can be cute mementos to remind one of a certain place or time.  However, I think it says something about who you are and who you are looking for to include one as a representation of yourself.  I'm just saying...

I don't care for pictures that are open crotch shots. This is the female version of the dick shot.  Big surprise, half the population has a twat.  Those are the female version of some guy posting pictures of his cock.  If you want to look cheap, like someone who is open for business, then go ahead.  Sensual is lovely, and pictures that show personality are great.  Just because you have those pictures doesn't mean you need to post them.

I like photography.  I have taken open crotch shots and fondly remember the who and the when they are taken.  I have some lovely pictures of the aspen changing in the fall.  I wouldn't post those as representative of who I am either.

Please consider the pictures you post.  Pictures of shoes.  Shoes are incredibly important to a lot of women.  Please understand, pictures of shoes are not important to men, not to heterosexual men at any rate.  You dig them, we ignore them.  There are profile pictures that are nothing but cartoons, landscapes or artwork.  If I can't message 'you' then I lose interest.  There is one profile that just has a picture of a Honda steering wheel.  There are many profiles where the pictures consist of only how the person looked in Halloween costumes.  Fun, but not so appealing.  And shoes. Thousands and thousands of shoes.

Any contact who requests nude pictures of you is a pervert.  I say that as a practicing pervert, so I should know.  If you get pressured to send nudes, just say no, and if it comes up again, say bye-bye and block the pervert.  Problem solved.

Smile.  At least once.  Please?

Post more than one picture.  Don't ask why.  Do it.

And finally, and this is personal, I really don't much want to see you sucking someone else's dick.  You are on collarme.  I assume you know how this all works. 

Screen Names:

Personally, I have no interest in someone whose screen name includes terms like 'bitch' 'pig' 'death' or 'suicide.'  If this is really a representation of who and what you perceive yourself to be, that's fine.  Just understand that, in my opinion, you have cut yourself off from a large number of the Dominants who are looking for someone that might otherwise be you.

UnicornBacon may be the greatest screen name of all time for attracting guys' attention.  Deep down, we are very shallow.

Monogamy, poly and casual:

As it says in my profile, I have a Domme.  She is not on collarme; she has a pony and a slave and hardly needs more complications in her life.  Oh, and she has me.  We do not live together but there is nobody more integral to my life.  Among other things, she literally saved my life about a year ago. 

We are not sexually intimate.  Never have been.  I am emotionally poly where she is concerned, and I need for any prospective 'other' to understand and accept that.  I have  often backstopped her while she played but we have never used the same bottom/submissive/slave as co-tops.  If that is your thing, I don't think it's impossible, but she has intimated that it might be possible for the right person.

I sometimes mentor submissives.  Each situation has a different dynamic.  Most often, I don't play with them, but there is an emotional component that is undeniable.  I am open to the one I find helping with that if she chooses, or she may wish that to be our dynamic.  I am a believer that you can be capable of loving more than one person at a time.  I've done it.  It can work for me. 

Monogamy is possible.  As I have reiterated in many places, each relationship establishes its own dynamic.  I am as open to monogamy as any other dynamic, but within that sexual monogamy needs to be the opportunity for emotional poly.  I consider friends to be the family I've chosen.

I can see the possibility of a poly situation, Mff, or maybe that is just my fantasy leaking through.

Respect / Courtesy:

You might notice that I am Denver Bear.  I am not Master Bear, Lord High Bear or Omnipotence Himself Bear.  People I know, and that certainly includes submissives and slaves, often refer to me simply as, "Bear."  I am good with that.  To me, a self-bestowed title is less than useless.  It not only is meaningless without the background in training, technique and experience, but indicates emotional or personality deficiencies.  I have never required anyone to address me in any form they don't feel comfortable with and that I have not earned with them.  I don't mind being called, "Sir" as an initial form of courtesy, but that is entirely up to the person I converse with.  I have been called, "Master" on occasion, but only by those with whom that honorific had been earned and as a show of respect, in both directions.  Someone who requires a submissive to initially refer to him as Master shows a complete lack of personal appropriateness as well as a contempt for the BDSM lifestyle.  It is a wonderful indicator of someone worthy of being blocked.

I am a big believer in both respect and courtesy.  Most people here seem to use the terms interchangeably.  I find them to be vastly different.  I believe that people demanding respect are doomed to failure.  Simply put, respect is earned.  As in all things, the level of respect reflects the degree to which it is earned.  Courtesy is that level of civilized exchange that one person can initially expect from another until it is proven to be misplaced. 

The courteous submissive says, "I prefer men under 45."

The respectful submissive might say, "I appreciate and value the more experienced among you, but at this point in my journey, I would like to interact with men under 45."

The bratty submissive says,  "Ewww, you're as old as my father."

I have read where those of us of more advanced years are labeled as creepy for considering some of the younger flesh hereabouts.  At the same time, some of those young lovelies are open to a wide disparity in ages, so while some see it as creepy, others see it as offering experience and understanding, honesty and consistency.

For those of you who disparage us old guys, tell me one thing.  How many times have you met an experienced Dominant, one with technique, understanding, compassion and empathy and a vast array of BDSM experience, who tips the scale at 24?  Or even 34?  My own opinion, and it is only my own based on all that experience that is so easily discounted, is that a Dominant male most often doesn't come into his own until he is in his 40s.  Just my opinion.  Your mileage may vary.

I have an older journal entry on here that deals with 'young doms' so I'll leave it at that.

My Preferences and Why:

To me, deal-breakers are hard limits.  They are really just non-negotiable.  Those are all in my profile.  These are preferences, and I cannot stress that too strongly.  When you find places where you simply don't fit, understand that I believe a relationship is a relative thing.  I'm not demanding that you be any of these things.  The more places you feel you fit, the more chance we have of making something wonderful happen.  Words and titles are only labels that are shortcuts to the meaning underneath.

I have preferences. I have a lot of preferences, just like everyone else. You would like me to be rich with six-pack abs. I'm not. You won't fit all of my preferences. Relationships are built; the question is: does enough commonality exist to build a dynamic relationship? Don't get hung up on one or five things; look to the whole package.

I think my other half is better off knowing, rather than being put in a position where all she has is whatever has developed in the way of trust between us.  If she understands, then there is that much less stress on the level of trust.  I try to be clear and keep open communication.

Trust and communication are vital.  A relationship is a dynamic thing.  It is always spiraling and changing altitude.  Relationships don't hover. They are improving or eroding. They aren't successful with each side putting in 50%. If all parties are not invested 100%, things are eroding.

I am sapiosexual.  It is who I am.  If you can hold your own in an intelligent conversation then you fit.  Conversely, if you are more comfortable on the sidelines, quiet and observing, that is another possibility.  What doesn't work is a brat; one who doesn't understand and demonstrates it loudly.  No bueno.

I adore a strong submissive, someone who comes to her submission from a mental position of strength.  Quite often I get along best with women who are successful in their careers, who, after a long day of excellence, need a soft place to give over control.  There really is no high like accepting the submission of such a woman; it is inspiring to be that place where she finds her reward.  I think most Dominants find such a person to be too much work.  I have always found that you get out of it what you put into it. 

I have found that I am most interested in bisexual women.  I believe there are several reasons: in my experience they are the most adventurous and the best lovers.  I love fem on fem and consider it incredibly beautiful. It gives me what I consider to be a common outlook with my submissive because I can grasp the feminine appeal.  There is a special bond to playing "Do Her?" with a switch hitter.  It brings up new levels of interaction.

Skinny is in, but my preference runs to a woman with some meat on her bones.  Just me, but if you are model-thin, then you need to have a whole lot else going for you for me to find you physically attractive.  That said, I am far more attracted to character, orientation and personality than I am to physical appearance.  I think that is where the lifestyle and vanilla world really part company.  In vanilla, if you are physically pleasing, that is really all you need to get by.  Not here.  At least not in my world. Compassionate, considerate and compliant are worth far more.  If you happen to be gorgeous, you just have to work harder.  In my experience cute really does rot the intellect.

A quick aside, I appreciate long hair.  It doesn't have to be blonde or that deep, dark rich red that makes you want to run through it barefoot, but that would be nice.

I would prefer a non-cigarette smoker.

I am most strongly attracted to Caucasian, Asian and Hispanic. Filipinas are hot and I generally enjoy mixed mutts.  I am of almost pure Scots extraction myself, with one very lonely branch of my family tree going back to 1088, Isle of Man.

I am more oriented to someone with a slave/submissive view of themselves.  In some cases, particularly evident in my survey of profiles, a lot of the switches want to compete.  I am not interested in competition.  It is not that I am reluctant, I just get no thrill from winning.  The relationship I seek is a symbiotic one, a collaborative venture, if you will.  I don't want to overpower you; there is no gratification there.  I want to own you, and to have you wish to be owned, and specifically by me.

I enjoy photography.  I don't tend to share pictures.  If I take pictures of you, they won't be hitting the internet unless one of two conditions appear; I have your permission to post them or you post them yourself.  I enjoy photography missions, particularly into the mountains.  Give me a ghost town and I'm a happy Dom.  Give me a model and I may just evaporate from excitement.  Being photogenic is a plus.

Here is the thing about ages.  Again, if you are wonderful and care, I might show you my, "100 Things You Don't Know About Me," which might explain some of my outlook.

If you are 18 to mid 30s, the odds are that we don't have a whole lot to talk about.  This is a generalization and an exception might come along.  I can be many things to you.  I can be your Master, I can be your mentor, I can take wonderful pictures of you that you will use to remember yourself when you were at the height of your physical appeal.  What I can't be is your life-long partner.  If I am decades older that you are, I am going to move to a higher plane long before you do.  What I can be and do, is that I can show you how wonderful an associated and fulfilling life can be, and toward the end, help you find your way when I am gone.  It could be wonderful with the exceptional woman, but I don't expect it.

If you are mid 30s to late 40s then I simply adore you.  You have probably been around the block enough to know when you are treasured and cared for.  You, particularly, need to reference "100 Things..." to understand just where that lies for me.  I suspect you have the background and experience to hold your own and know when to throw into things.  When things have progressed to that stage, you too are grist for my camera (to mash a metaphor).

I'll be honest; I'm less physically attracted to 50s plus.  Again, I allow for the exception.  I believe this is directly related to my mental state that insists I am 30.  As in all cases in this journal, the exception is very welcome.

Locals of course get more attention.  I am "hands on" to coin a phrase that seems more than appropriate.  I seek someone who would enjoy spending time in my home, in my playspace and in my bed.  Life happens, but I would like a situation that is as drama free as possible.

I believe in using all aspects of the submissive her heart, perspectives and intelligence. I have preferences. I have a lot of preferences, just like everyone else. You would like me to be rich with six-pack abs. I'm not. You won't fit all of my preferences. Relationships are built, the question is: beyond the deal breaking, is there enough commonality to build a dynamic relationship? Don't get hung up on one or five things; look to the whole package.

I want you to be able to come to me with your thoughts, your desires and your opinions.  No place in here did I claim omnipotence.  I think that is one place I set myself apart from others.  So long as there is respect and understanding, things tend to work themselves out, but we both know that at the end of the day, there is only room for one to drive the bus.

I seek the one who gets her fulfillment from caring for me.  I do far better and am much happier with a muse in my life. I am inspired by the one I inspire.

Lastly, a question: why are there so many beautiful women in Texas?  Surely the guys down there have done nothing to deserve such riches.

What I Offer:

Just to reiterate, I don't do degradation.

Though I am not very interested in marking almost every option given as, "Lives for" "Loves" or "Likes" I will try to give an open iteration of who I am and let you decide if I am any kind of a fit.  Then, da dum, I hope you send me an opening message.  Please understand yet again, words and labels are only a way to signify concepts and meanings; they represent different things to different people.  If you find something objectionable, either personally or sociologically, drop me a note and let's see if I have described a concept inelegantly.

If I really like you, I might let you read "100 things you don't know about me."  It is a wonderful exercise that I highly recommend. 

I am a natural teacher/mentor and happy to give perspective and direction. It's what I do.  If I don't get that from a relationship, then I know me and I will seek it elsewhere.  This relates to my mentoring side.  It makes me feel worthwhile.  I love to think that I have inspired someone to be more than she thought she could be.  It may be the strongest drive I have.

I am totally hetero and totally Dominant, though I am not a chest beater. I don't seek to be the charismatic center of the world; the people in my life know who and what I am, and that is all that matters.  It is more important to me to be a rock for people in my orbit than to spend time trying to impress others.

Mentally I feel like I'm 30.  It is unfortunate that my body isn't susceptible to embracing that image, no matter how hard I try.  I have sustained considerable damage in my life but feel that I have plenty left in the tank for the right person. 

There is a difference between dominating and domineering.  I subscribe to the concept that respect is a two-way street.  If you are someone I want to spend time with, I want to be able to respect who and what you are.  Each relationship is different and needs to be allowed to find its own level.  I'm not heavily into any fetishes; I seem to enjoy them equally.

I believe that a vanilla relationship walks side-by-side with a BDSM relationship.  Real life happens.  I am interested in most topics, though I'm not wild about pop philosophy feeling that most of it is mental masturbation.  I consider myself spiritual as opposed to religious.  I believe that karma exists and what goes around comes around.  My personal philosophy embraces the Church of the Cosmic Beetle, total number of acolytes: one.  There is no proselytizing.

I am fairly social, co-organizer of one of the Denver munches, though I prefer to play at home.  I don't wish to play casually and I have not hit Dom space for a very long time.  I tend to do that only with someone that I have faith and trust in.  I like Dom space and would like to get there again.  After a scene where I hit Dom space and after the object of my affections has had whatever she need for aftercare, I need aftercare myself.  I suffer from Dom drop. 

I consider myself multi-faceted.  For multi-faceted, you can read "shallow" if you like.  I'm okay with that.  I have traveled a chunk of the planet.  I am where I want to be.  I retired, but I'm working on an evolving form of communication. I am published but that's not a big deal.

I have a lovely playspace.  I usually refer to it as a dungeon, but that word seems to set some people off.  Call it what you will, I adore it and enjoy sharing it with people who are an asset to my life.  Even at home. I don't tend to play casually.

I have a wicked sense of humor and I tease, though it is never meant maliciously.  I can't help it.  I don't want to help it.  Deal with it.  It's a part of who I am.

My guess is that I'm going to get called a lot of names for this entry.  I'm a big boy and will try not to cry.  It's my considered opinion that there are whole niches of folk who identify as D/s or BDSM that rightfully belong elsewhere. 
There are a number of 'Doms' that are nothing of the sort, and they come in all manner of costumes.  Some are jerks who don't know the difference between Dominant and domineering.  Others are kinkazoids who come to BDSM looking for compliant partners.  There are very sick individuals who express their self-loathing through abuse of others.  That omits the players, wannabes and HNGs, lumped together for convenience sake.  They are not as they appear, and usually only fool naive new subs and make the whole atmosphere so unpalatable that many flee the lifestyle for self-preservation.  I cringe at the honest submissives who come here looking to explore their personality and aren't experienced enough to understand that just bestowing the appellations 'Master' or 'Lord' or 'Sir' has zero to do with experience or involvement.  I'm sure there are 14-year-old pimple faced kids here who have learned a little of the patter and get off by posing as 'LordSirDomTrainerDoAnybody.'  Nice.
The flip-side of that same coin are the subs who really aren't.  I adore submissives.  To me, a submissive is the strongest character God chose to bestow on the planet.  I think they are a natural resource more valuable than all the National Parks and National Forests combined.  But the submissive I describe comes to her submission from a position of strength.  She knows who she is, and what, and refuses to accept the dictates of political and social correctness.  To embrace her submission, she has to accept the truth of her nature.  That exploration flies in the face of all the modern training that inundates our society in a thousand different guises.  These are different from the ‘other’ subs. Every time I use the designation ‘doormat’ it sticks in my throat, but I don’t know a more genteel method of identification. These are the women who identify as submissive but really are so beaten by life that they will do or allow just about anything in order to get some attention. I see no malevolence in them, but I can’t help but hope they seek professional help to deal with whatever it is that drives them.  In one humble Bear’s opinion, a submissive is a biological unit of supreme mental and emotional strength and a glory to behold. Now, I’m ready for the slings and arrows to descendup upon me in the form of more enlightened disagreement.

It seems to me that Doms are late bloomers. I have met only a very few who came to the lifestyle before the age of 40 or mid-30s at least. I don't know if the same appears true for Dommes.

I've known many submissives who recognized their submissive orientation as originating straight from the womb, but I believe a Dom has to have considerable life experience to embrace the lifestyle in a healthy, positive context.

With this personal bias in mind, I cringe every time I see a twenty-something lady's ad seeking a Dom of approximately the same age. I wonder what a contact based on such requirements consists of. (I know, I dangled a participle) In conversation with submissive friends here and elsewhere online, the highest estimation I've seen of real life Doms to wannabes is about 10%. No wonder there are so many frustrated and bitter submissives out there. The odds of a twenty-something "dom" being anything other that a wannabe or a kinkazoid are very remote.

One would have better luck advertising for a 1929 Lincoln limousine with less than 200 original miles on it.

Ladies, I feel your pain.

DB