OK I admit it...

1) if you send me an email that just says "hi" you're unlikely to get an essay back.  I don't consider this attitude, just a response in kind (after all you've not said anything to me to hang a conversation on).

2) I don't like moving to MSN/Text/Voice messages quickly and I never use the CollarMe chat system.  I much prefer to exchange CMail for a while to understand a person, it gives me time to think and them.

3) just because I identify as slave does not mean I identify as your slave.  I do not have to be polite to people who are rude to me, ignorant or incapable of forming a grammatically correct sentence even if they do identify as Dominant in some way.

4) just because I choose to go slowly does not make me 'fake' or a 'game player' or any of the other associated epithets which seem to get bandied around.  It makes me cautious and probably more serious than the stupid person who gives away their mobile phone number after a couple of hours and meets after less than a week.

/rant mode disabled.

Apologies to all sane/sensible/supportive folks here, it's been a funny sort of a day......

Keeping on keeping on

It's only been a few days so things are still a bit odd but I'm starting to feel like myself again.  I am not breaking down all the time or obsessing over it I'm getting on with my life and trying to enjoy myself doing things I would normally do.  

The one thing I have really noticed is how often Sir and I used to talk and therefore as a result how little I actually tend to do without this almost conversation via IM I am cut quite adrift.  This is something I may find harder to manage in the short term, but I am sure in the long term I will deal with.  The thing is it's a four-year habit.  A hold-over from when we were first together and we kept it up whilst friends/play-partners.  Guess expecting that to be easy to manage after only three days is pretty unrealistic.

I really miss my friend, I want my friend back one day.  Right now though I still need to just be on my own a bit I think.

Today has been a hard day, today SirM82 and I called it quits for good and all.  Hardest conversation I have ever had in my entire life.  I'd like to think that one day we can be friends but right now it is all too raw and painful.  He's a wonderful man and I hope that he will find the right woman for him and be happy.  I hope that one day I will also.

Would like to thank Sir for a lovely night last night.  By far was the hardest thing was when he pushed a fork end on into my nipple, it really hurt! Of course Sir noticed then and then made me do it to myself, pure torture.

Anal improvement continues, for the first time ever more than once in a play session.  I don't feel destroyed today either, which is another first.  In fact, I wish our play date had gone on longer as I actually think I'm up for more! :)

Last night I was asked to do something new, whilst wearing the medium sized plug that Sir had requested I was asked to insert the large sized one in my cunt and keep both there.  I was to sit at the computer upright on my chair with my legs spread.  This was a very odd sensation, having a fairly ordinary conversation via IM, interspersed with questions about my training and the task itself.  Wondering why I actually did it (as it really wasn't comfortable) and didn't just pretend I did and hope he'd never notice and wanting desperately not to let him down.  After a while I did plead to be allowed to remove the one in my pussy as it was making me feel like I needed to pee constantly and because of its length was pushed up against my cervix quite hard and was beginning to really hurt.  Sir was not impressed but allowed me to remove it.  I have a feeling there will be consequences for my request.  

I was told today to wear my plug for longer than normal, this has meant having to do housework with it in and will mean cooking tea for my child and interacting with her when she returns from school with it in.  This terrifies me, but I'm determined to do it.  For me, fear is a primary barrier to completion of tasks or to extending the limits of what I consider myself capable of and a good friend here said to me recently that courage isn't about not being afraid, it's about going for it anyway, so I'm going to take that useful piece of advice and apply it.

Continual Improvement

As part of my journals you may have noticed that anal training and other tasks have been set for me by SirM82 on a regular basis for my continual improvement (not just for his use but also for my confidence and health).  This list has now been expanded and includes:

• anal training - use of plugs at night and a dong around the same size as Sir to ensure that instead of anal being a once during a play session thing it will become a choice of whatever hole Sir wishes to use being available to Him
• 30 sit ups a day - I have issues with my body confidence, particularly my tummy not being as trim as I would like.  This task has already helped with that (although it's still not flat!) and has changed how I feel about myself naked quite dramatically, I wonder how I will feel if/when I start to see a flat tummy not the flab I have come to hate?
• Quitting smoking - Sir has recently quit, but also this is a health thing for me and likely to ensure I live longer, it's something I'd already tried to do twice this year, formalising it as a task/training element seems to just make it easier for me to stick to
• Healthy eating - I don't eat regularly (skip meals very often) and often the meals I eat are inappropriate.  This must change for my health.
• Remembering to brush my teeth twice a day - it sounds really simple and tiny but it makes a difference and again is a health issue, somehow I find it hard to remember to put it into a day normally, as soon as Sir requested it, I found it simple to slot into my routine.

Time to journal my latest play date with SirM82 (he has given me express permission to name him in my journal).

The format of our play date was somewhat different to the last, instead of being over a weekend He came to me on a Wednesday evening after work and stayed until Thursday afternoon.  This lead to a lot of protracted play as well as downtimes where we could talk, relax, eat together etc. which gave a nice chilled atmosphere to our time together.  We were unfortunately nearly interrupted twice by a friend of mine who has a habit of popping in unexpectedly to visit and did not know what my plans were for the day.  That was a little unfortunate as it lead to both us losing our head space and feeling a trifle uncomfortable at times.

The anal training I had been doing definitely helped.  When Sir took me anally it was not only easier than before but I was screaming at him to fuck me harder.  I finally got to experience it the way I knew I could, absolutely mind blowing.  It did lead to me bleeding a little (I didn't feel any pain at the time, probably endorphin-related) but it was definitely worth it.

Our pain play seems to be increasing too, I recently bought a tawse which I wasn't sure if I could take because although I like pain I'm actually a bit of a wuss at the same time :P this time it worked very well.  I know Sir loves his riding crop and wants to use that on me, before I've tended to wimp out early on usage of that particular item, now I think I'm intrigued to see how far we could take it.

At one point I came without permission and squirted fairly dramatically, Sir made me eat it up from the floor.  My head was screaming about how dirty it was but I couldn't help but lap it up (I actually love the taste of my own cum), but for me the strangest part of the day came from when Sir fisted me, I watched myself squirt for the first time ever.  That was incredible, it was like being in porn.  I'd cum really hard and although I knew I squirted I didn't know what *I* looked like squirting that was intense.  We didn't realise how intense until I sat up and we realised I'd lost control of my body completely and very slightly shit on the bedsheets.  I felt awful, humiliated and filthy, he seemed rather pleased that I'd cum so hard my entire body had gone with it.  I can honestly say it's the only time I can remember (where alcohol or other mind-altering substances weren't involved) where I wasn't thinking at all, I was just in the moment and enjoying the sensation.

Due to vanilla commitments and work schedules it seems unlikely we'll get another play date for a while, if of course he wants to have one at all.  Whilst that bothers me from a BDSM point of view it doesn't worry me in any other way.  I think my feelings are starting to get under control and I'm accepting the situation the way it is rather than the way I would like it to be.  All in all I feel progress was made, even though some elements were a little odd that particular day.

well my ex Master and I have organised another play date, from now on in my journal I'm going to describe him as Sir as one he likes this term and I know it will make him smile and two because ex Master just sounds clumsy and is difficult to type.

I know that my romantic feelings for him are unrequited, I know this situation will not change but I crave the feeling of us being together too much to deny him.  So I have to learn to handle my romantic feelings and decide whether physical pleasure is so important to me I have to have it in my life.  Right now the answer is yes, whether that continues I don't know.

Sir set me a task yesterday, I was required to strip naked, lie on my bed without covers over me, legs spread wide apart, insert a butt plug, take one hand and use two fingers to spread my labia apart, hover another over my clitoris whilst using my other hand to play with my tits.  If the finger hovering over my clit touched me then I was to slap myself in the face, I was also not to cum.  This was to continue for ten minutes.

I have a problem with anal, in that it is something I really love/want but it hurts so much I can't do it for long or as often as I (or Sir) would like, therefore anal training is ongoing, this task was in addition to that.

I found rubbing my tits but not my clit was actually not very satisfying, but being aware of how open and slutty I looked was.  My hands and legs shook frequently during this task - which lead to my having to slap myself in the face, I found myself doing it, wondering why on earth I was putting myself through it even though Sir would never know if I didn't and internally berating myself as well as celebrating what a slut I am.

Once the time was up I contacted Sir to let him know I had completed my task and we talked it through briefly.  Journalling it here was also part of my instructions (which I am now fulfilling).

That night I had a very vivid dream about Sir arriving at my home, saying nothing, just ripping my knickers off, pushing my skirt up to my waist, bending me in half and fucking my arse hard and deep.  In the dream it hurt initially but after a while I was able to enjoy it because he could get into me in one strong stroke, something I deeply desire for Sir to be able to do, as I am at present it takes some work to get inside me and that increases the pain for me and leads to me not wanting to do it more than once in a few days.  I just feel like I can't stretch enough, I always seem to tear somewhere.  It's very conflicting writing this as I feel such a sense of shame about not being capable of that when I know how amazing it would and that part of me wants to be his anal slut and another part of me is terrified of it.  

So what's been going on in my world? well it's been weird.  My ex-boyfriend is claiming undying love and refuses point blank to understand that it's over.  How he can not get that from being told I don't want to be with him any more is beyond me but I suppose he'll have to handle it his own way and in his own time.

My ex-Master and I had a play date, just to see how it would be about a week ago.  So strange to call him Sir not Master, so strange to be so clinical about what we were doing and what he required of me and yet so familiar and so good.  From a physical point of view it was amazing, he's always known exactly how to touch me, how to hurt me, what I need.  

Mentally it was a challenge, submitting to him knowing it was not about love like it used to be and was just about submission was a different mindset and not one I was used to between us.  However, once the initial nerves wore off and the day wore on it became easier and less confusing.

After our play date we talked about whether to do it again and it seems unlikely whilst I still have romantic feelings for him that it would be an option which is sensible.  God I hate being sensible!  What I really want is to see him now and again, have incredible play dates like that and not to care what he's up to the rest of the time.  I just don't know if I can do the not caring bit.

Been a few days of intensity, lots of information coming to light I didn't have before.  Has changed how I now see some people and has created regrets I didn't have before.

Somehow or another I keep finding myself on CM even though I'm not really looking for someone, maybe it's just a need for an ego boost, to see that someone has looked at my profile, maybe sent me a message - just to prove that I'm not a total troll who should be living under a bridge.

Have recently been back in touch with my ex Master, has been hard because of course he now longer owns nor wishes to own me but has been good too because I've always respected his opinion and talking to him has often helped me work through issues.  For that I thank you x

Whilst I understand that many of the messages I'm getting are genuine people who want to help or talk with me whilst I heal I wonder at the motivation of those who start with, "read your profile, sorry to hear that, wanna chat on MSN?"

But to be honest things are getting better for me and hopefully they're going to continue to go in that direction.  

So what next?  Well I think time is the only thing that will tell.  Right now I think I'm going to take some time to just concentrate on my studies (doing a part-time degree in English Literature and Latin), spend time with my daughter (who has just turned 13 and therefore needs a lot of active parenting!) and just get used to me again.  

As tends to happen to me in relationships I've shaped myself to fit requirements and now that they are no longer requirements I guess I need to find my true form again.

Single again, the right thing for all concerned but still a time of sadness.  It seems my basic need for a secure and satisfying relationship made me ignore other elements of incompatibility which maybe I should have listened to.

As always in these situations I've learnt a little more about myself, a little more about the world and a little more about what I need for the future, so in the final analysis it's all good.

I'm tired of spending time with the wrong person, or the right person at the wrong time in our lives.  This time I'm holding out for the works, come hell or high water.  I'm too old and tired for anything else.

New bf is very keen to learn about BDSM and so far likes seem to stack up (which is a nice bonus), i've tried to be careful not to only discuss things i like so that i'm not effectively topping from the bottom.  Some of the things He's expressed an interest in learning about and perhaps trying are new to me, some of them are a little nerve-wracking, but hopefully i'll be up to the challenge.

Even though i was careful to point out the significance of a collar, He insisted on buying me one today, his exact words were "I want My property to know that's what it is at all times".  Instead of going for a BDSM style one it's actually from a pet shop and we're thinking of adding  a name tag inscribed with "Bitch" (as it's His favourite pet name for me) and perhaps my SRN which would be really cute.

Obviously the relationship is new and i don't want to jinx anything but so far, so flaming amazing and to find someone who i've only ever known as vanilla to be so very evil and cruel is rather fabulous frankly!  i'm trying not to get carried away too quickly, have jumped into things to fast before and learned to regret it.  i hope this isn't one of those times.