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| Empathy, Honesty, Trust ⇒ Control
I consider myself a lucky person to have known mentors and fellow travelers in the alternative sexual lifestyle communities over the last 25+ years. I am a single, polyamorous, Dominant.
►EMPATHY and the community of BDSM in the 1980s. I became aware of my Dominant sexual orientation in Madison in the era of the 80s; where the tightly organized lgbt and our pep [People Exchanging Power] communities succeeded in getting Wisconsin to pass the first statewide law prohibiting discrimination based on sexual orientation in 1983. It is not surprising that the first lesbian U.S. Senator, Tammy Baldwin was first elected to state office in 1986 to take the place of the sponsor of that sexual rights legislation--David Clarenbach who went to DC to become President of the Victory Fund; the national fundraising organization for sexual minorities which has seen members of our community elected across the country in the last 25 years. We were feminists who only used the "C" word with permission; we fought against misogyny but developed collaborative humiliaton scenes with our female submissive partners; in vanilla setting or before a sub agreed to our proposed scene, she was treated like Scarlett O'Hara in Gone with the Wind--while, when she shut the bedroom door behind her, we went from Rhett Butler to Marquis de Sade.
►EMPATHY and mentoring the new Dominants and Submissives. When I was 20, two 38 year old women [I later learned were "submissives"] invited me to an evening on the town where, by morning I didn't know what a "dominant" was--but I knew that nothing had made me feel so sexually-emotionally connected to a partner. I would later learn that they were "topping me from the bottom" and that is how they mentored me into an empathetic Dominant orientation over the next two years. I found that the political movements I was in had a good number of people who went beyond simple orientation as gay-bi-straight and identified with the bdsm roles of dom-switch-sub. The female mentors had friends who were men, both Dom and Sub, who became close friends. That was the height of the disco era and fetishes, kinks and just good old experimentation was the rage. BUT--it was always People Exchanging Power [PEP] with submissives having their say in developing a scene and if you decided it was too late or not collaborative enough--you enjoyed just the pleasure of building it. Like any good jigsaw puzzle, the next scene was always a work in progress.
►HONESTY and be who you are. I realize that I am lucky to be single and have a job, as a university psychology professor, where I teach human sexuality and discuss it in a variety of courses; always with a sex-positive affirmation of both the lgbt and bdsm sexual orientations. My own kid is grown and living in Seattle or Portland, I don't think many would be shocked at my sexual orientation as a Polyamorous Dominant. Certainly not my partner of 8+ years where we travel in different worlds for 1/2 our lives and would expect to, over time be sexual with some of those people we feel close to. For her, she enjoys after-work pole dancing and that comraderie. For myself, I love to teach and banter about human sexuality, particularly bdsm--but, since the ethics of being a prof is you can't be sexual with your students-- and I run into new members of the bdsm scene where I don't have to correct their papers--well, talking through a part of d/s, often including demonstrating parts of it with a submissive woman or her/partner.
►TRUST and steps of intimacy. There are definite steps in getting closer in D/s intimacy. Probably the most irrational wrench in the gearshift of nice steady steps is some misperceptions about the use of internet voice and visual in a drawn out continuum of ever-closer d/s play. The first two steps are simply the act of typing back and forth: 1. emails, 2. instant messages. At that point, you don't know if someone is the gender they say they are and if some man has been playing at being a woman for 10 years on the internet, he is going to be good at it. 3. Voice chat over a messenger where you can have the flavor of the emotion of the person and their sexual heat. 4. Voice and visual over the messenger or skype.*** 5. In person coffee date for scene planning. 6. In person d/s scene. ***If people are really worried about photos, they can always grab a Nicole Kidman or Tom Cruise like party mask ["Eyes Wide Shut"]. I have known many submissives that enjoy exhibition in front of alt.com cams to see how high a number of viewers our d/s scene will bring--with a part mask. Going gradually up that path and not forgetting honesty, trust will obviously follow. Terry
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Is there a relatively universal standard for what it means to sexually submit to another person? YES!!
Our community's advocacy group is called the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom.
They have released a position paper that is based on the history of the BDSM community, laws on informed consent and consensual D/s: NCSF Statement on Power Exchange Relationships; which is found at this website: https://ncsfreedom.org/images/stories/pdfs/Consent%20Counts/Power_Exchange_20131020/Power_Exchange_Statement.pdf
Our network of psychologists and therapists serving the alternative sexual lifestyles community is connected through that same advocacy group and has developed an extremely informative information paper for persons in Polyamorous relationships, as well as the counseling professionals who serve them: “What Psychology Professionals Should Know About
Polyamory
”
You can download it at the following website: https://ncsfreedom.org/component/k2/item/495-poly-paper-a-professional-guide.html |
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Video: The First of Master Beaver's Proverbial Tales from ye Olde Days. The Dr of Dominance talks of the Gor novels and People Exchanging Power. |
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Sadists obviously exist on a BDSM website like Collar Me. A comprehensive survey of Internet Trolls who message and post cruel or insulting comments show these people are "Common Everyday Sadists" Online "Dominants" who are verbally abusive, degrading and offer unwanted insults to submissives they want to antagonize are common Internet Trolls. The group of Canadian researchers suggests that Internet trolls are more likely than others to show signs of sadism, psychopathy and "Machiavellianism": a disregard for morality and tendency to manipulate or exploit others. "It was sadism, however, that had the most robust associations with trolling of any of the personality measures," "Both trolls and sadists feel sadistic glee at the distress of others. Sadists just want to have fun ... and the Internet is their playground." What to do? Well if you are a masochist, post angry journal retorts and insults back at them so they get the satisfaction they want. If you aren't a masochist: Ignore them, or as the saying goes on the internet: Don't feed the Trolls. |
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Does a submissive's acknowledgement of her hungers and loves mean that any contact past IM with a Dominant mean that is a menu for him/her to choose from right then? Sometimes it seems like people who use the no-cost "miracle of Skype" in their vanilla world think it is a huge risk meeting someone from here or other online bdsm websites. It seems like the "down on your knees and send me a picture of XX right now" crowd has given the impression that if a submissive is transparent about their sexual cravings and fetishes in their profile--that means a "hi how are you" starts right from whatever is on their lists of likes, loves and curious abouts. Of course IM back/forth makes sense--but why wouldn't the next "d/s date" not be face to face over Skype, just figuring out who each other is through conversation [with a favorite beverage] just like if you met at a coffee shop or lounge before there was any commitment to a sexual power exchange? I mean, if the submissive wants to bypass that and go right to sexual needs and hungers--she can tell the Dominant. Why would the Dominant ever just assume that is the starting place? When I came back to Collarme after four years, I would have thought there was more comfort in face to face online conversations. It doesn't seem so--is that because their are a lot of self-professed Dominants who couldn't have a conversation without full control of that as well? [not the majority necessarily]. I hope that is a behavior that doesn't become the expectation of submissives joining the online community, |
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February 2, 2014--better known as that 3-hour period of orgasm control known as Super Bowl Sunday
Coming back to CollarMe in 2014, I had forgotten how long it takes to have an enjoyable "currently online" group of profiles it takes so that most are similar to how you view the bdsm world. I have probably hidden over 300 profiles now that have different perspectives and desires. But, now I can talk to friends and also follow the journal poses--feeling connected to that part of the community that feels right. For me, that is much more enjoying the "submissive" woman involved assertively in work, school, raising kids and community connections. Sure, I want everything the 24/7 slave has to offer--but only when the focus can be us, certainly in our sexual-emotional play & when the focus is just us and being intimate.
I am mindful that when we display who we are here because our sexual needs are so specific and our orientation is different than simply bi/gay/lesbian—our profile and journals is to see if we will ULTIMATELY have a possible sexual fit. Even though some profiles basically say “fuck me now” or “I will fuck you now”—I can’t imagine not going on a d/s “date” or two before thinking someone could make a competent choice to be sexual together. I also happen to be a Dominant who appreciates his dating, sex and/or love companions have interests and responsibilities where he isn’t expected to control them—and actually enjoys learning their views and perspectives. This also includes their unique sexual identity, preferences and fantasies. |
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January of 2014
It has been a long 2-3 years of teaching, research and immersing myself in my university commitments; as well as nurturing my important poly Dominant-Submissive relationships--some of which stretch out to almost a decade of both emotional and sexual pleasure.
The one thing that strikes me, returning to this site, is how the "50 Shades of Grey" trilogy has obscured the importance of building a relationship that begins with EMPATHY for a submissive who needs to give up their power with trust and safety. Needless to say, in about book two in the series we learn about Grey's pathology as a cornerstone---while that is true for many Dominants, particularly men confused by women, it is not what I was mentored in in the late 70s/early 80s. Anyone who thinks they have found domination and submission within their own sexual identity might read the classic that my two older mentors had me read--Fanny Hill. Now that is a good beginning.....but.......it is good to be back.......Terry |
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| Age: 57 |
| Valparaiso,
Indiana |
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