The Dominant Submissive Relationship:
Who is Really in Control?

When a couple is involved in a power exchange relationship such as domination and submission, there is an assumption that the dominant partner is the one who is in control. After all, a submissive in a relationship is seeking a partner in which she can give her control up to...and a dominant is looking for a partner whom he may control.

This assumption, however, is misleading. The submissive is making decisions throughout the relationship. Her 1st decision is to actually enter into such a relationship with a person. She is not forced into the relationship. She makes a conscious decision based on the information she has given by the other person as to if the relationship will meet her needs.

The 2nd decision that the submissive makes is in regard to boundaries. In a good power exchange relationship, boundaries need to be discussed in the beginning. Both the dominant and the submissive have limits as to how far they will go in a relationship...certain areas in which they are not willing to explore. Some areas may be taboo, and the couple makes an agreement to not explore such areas. This could be anything from knife play to heavy bondage to sharing with other partners.

It is very important for a submissive to lay out her boundaries in the very beginning of the relationship. This way the dominant can make an informed decision as to if he wants to continue in the relationship. It is also important for the dominant to express his boundaries. If a dominant's favorite scene involves candle wax and the submissive has that listed as an absolute no-no in her book, then the relationship is will obviously not work.

Another reason why it is important for a submissive to express what her boundaries are in the beginning is so the dominant will have a feel for what he is working with. He is not going to want to have to second guess every scene wondering if she is going to get upset and refuse to submit. That would defeat the purpose of the power exchange process. Once boundaries have been set, the submissive gives her dominant permission to control her within those boundaries.

Even after the boundaries have been set, though...the submissive still has an area of control. In a safe dominant/submissive relationship, the dominant will allow the submissive the use of a safe word. This is a neutral word that she can use if a particular scene gets too intense for her. It will be understood that the word is to be used sparingly and as a last resort. But having the power to use a safe word allows the submissive to actually control the scene.

Another area of control that is in the hands of the submissive is the decision to obey or disobey. The decision is always hers when given an order from her dominant. She will make a decision knowing that there is a consequence for whatever decision she makes. If she obeys, the consequence is bound to be a pleasant one. If she disobeys, the consequence could be very unpleasant. The choice is always hers to make.

The final choice of the submissive is to ask her dominant for release from the relationship. This is done when the submissive makes the decision that the relationship is one that she no longer wants to be in. Most of the time the dominant will release the submissive, for most dominants do not want to force someone into such a relationship. Sometimes the dominant may urge that the submissive stay in the relationship for a determined length of time as a means to try and work out any issues there may be.

Remembering that the submissive is the one in the power exchange relationship who truly holds the most control is something that both the submissive and the dominant need to realize. It will keep the relationship safe and give it room in which to grow.

Tips on Being a Good Submissive

Deciding to enter a relationship with a dominant is a decision that should not be taken lightly. You may have no doubt that you are a submissive personality, but that does not mean that you will automatically be a good submissive. Being a good submissive involves a certain mindset as well as the ability to discipline yourself. Here are some tips for being the kind of submissive that any dominant would be proud to call his own.

1) Pick a good dominant. This will be your 1st and possibly the most important decision you will make upon deciding to embark upon a submissive lifestyle. This decision is ultimately yours. Nobody can force you into submission. You must go willingly, so choose your dominant wisely. No submissive will ever be better than the one she chooses to be her dominant.

2) Know your limits. Think long and hard about what your limitations are physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. Write them down and share them with your dominant. It is very important to share these with him before you decide to enter into such a relationship. Your limitations can make or break a relationship, and it is important to be upfront about them in the beginning.

3) Submitting means you truly give your all. This is something that many submissives fail to realize. Many believe it means giving only what you want to give or feel like giving. This is not true, though. True submission means going above and beyond...giving until it hurts. It does not mean giving all of yourself physically and then holding back the rest. A good dominant will want to know all about you...inside and out. Your feelings will be of the utmost importance to him. By giving your all, you will be enabling him with the tools he will need to be a good dominant in your life.

4) You do not have to be perfect. Many submissives believe that unless they submit perfectly all of the time, they will not be appreciated by their dominants. The truth of the matter is that many dominants actually enjoy a submissive who is a bit bratty from time to time, because it gives him a perfect opportunity to put his power moves into play. Just as he enjoys this feeling of taking things and getting them back in control, so does the submissive. When a dominant shows his power, it makes her feel safe and loved.

5) Be open with your dominant. Do not be afraid to share you innermost thoughts and feelings. He wants to know. If you try and hide your feelings from him, he will eventually find out. If nothing else he will find out through little resentments that can build up. If you have a fear or are uncertain about something in the relationship, it is much better to bring it out so that the two of you can discuss it and come to a resolution.

6) Say goodbye to jealousy. When you decide enter into a dominant/submissive relationship, you must learn to say goodbye to outward expressions of jealousy. Nothing can kill such a relationship faster. Your dominant may decide to have more than one submissive. If this is the case, you must learn to deal with it and realize that his relationship with another submissive does not take away from his relationship with you. A good dominant is able to separate his submissives and see the beauty and value in each one. If you think jealousy is a potential problem in a relationship, discuss it before you commit to one another. It could very well be that you need to seek another dominant.

7) Obey your dominant. Nothing tells a dominant you care more than this. Obeying him tells him that you are willing to do anything for him.

8) Realize that a dominant/submissive relationship is not about sex. It is about control. Many such relationships involve no sex at all. Many are much more service oriented. This is a good thing to discuss before you decide to enter the relationship. Make sure it is the kind of dominant/submissive relationship that you are seeking

9) Respect your dominant. One thing that most dominants will not tolerate is disrespect. No matter what the issue, you must always approach your dominant in a respectful manner and tone. It is fine to disagree or question something, but do it with respect.

Being a submissive can be difficult, but it can also be very rewarding. By following these steps you will ensure that you are being the best submissive that your dominant will ever desire.