I miss someone who isn't mine to miss.

I dream about someone who isn't mine to dream about.

I love someone who isn't mine to love. 

I used to go to the bookstore and buy lots of books.  I would take them home and leave them in the corner of my bedroom and sometimes it would be years before I actually sat down and read them.  You asked me why I would do that.  I told you that I liked having them there for when I needed them and that's why I kept them around.  You laughed and shook your head because you didn't understand why.  I found this hard to believe because that's exactly what you did to me.  

......I will never forget the things you said to me.  Not because they mattered, but because they made me feel like I did.  

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes.

Uncomfortable shoes.

I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step...

Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

They are looks of sympathy.

I can tell in others' eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.

They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in this world.

Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so much.

Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am....

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child. 

Blessed Anpu, protect me from myself.

There is no grief like the grief that does not speak. - Henry Wordsworth

Play me a song Curtis Lowe, Curtis Lowe.

Well I got your drinkin' money tune up your dobro.

People said he was useless, them people all were fools....

Cuz Curtis Lowe was the finest picker to ever play the blues.....

Oh dear Mr. Skynyrd....how I love you...

The Lonely Things

The silent rain that falls,

The meadowlark

The winter wind that calls the lovers from the park

The sad and bitter song that December sings

These are the lonely things

The sun behind the clouds,

The starless night

When you’re alone in crowds,

The need for sudden flight

The empty loneliness that parting brings

These are the lonely things

A taste of love too soon gone wrong

The sad mistaken hearts that hear the sirens song

                                    And sang along.

The waves that drum the shores at morning light

The friends that come no more to try and make things right

The hope that flies too soon as though on wings

These are the lonely things.

Tonight we will wrap in memory this last year.  Time will round it's edges and some things will be lost all together.  This year, like so many others, brought about many changes. Some were good, some bad, some easy and others heart-wrenching. 

This year....
i said goodbye to some old ghosts, and created a few more.

i loved with a strength i thought i didn't have.

i stood on the edge and found i didn't have the courage to jump.

i have walked with bated breath, seen and done things that left me speechless.

i have seen things i will never forget and others i struggle to remember.

i have learned that you cannot say that your voice is not heard when you choose not to speak. 

i learned that there is a difference between hard-headedness and strength.

i have bathed in the darkness and delighted in the fear.

i have run away from something only to run right into it again.

i have said things i cannot take back, and heard things i will never forget.

i have rediscovered an old love anew and watched new love wither and grow old.

i put myself out there only to have me thrown right back at myself.

i spent more time running away than running towards.

i have bitten the hand that fed me, only to cling to it later.

i made a friend or two and lost more than one.

i have been through the looking glass and back.

i have peeked out from around my rose-colored glasses, and found beauty still.....

The ups and downs came and went as they always do.  i've taken my lessons and taken my lumps but moreso relished in the happinesses and triumphs this year has brought my Family and i.  It wasn't always easy, it wasn't always fun but i have learned through it all that i am, above all, most richly blessed.........

Thought of the day........As your faith is strengthened you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will, and that you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit......Emmanuel Teney

i have been a member of this "Lifestyle" for over a decade now and i have learned so much from people in all the different facets of it.  There is one thing though that never ceases to amaze me.  We, as in "Lifestylers", face so much opposition from those who do not understand the lives we lead.  And, i know at least for myself, that i have spent countless hours talking to people about my life choices in an effort to bring some understanding.  We also all have felt that feeling of being looked at differently, ostracized, or ridiculed for who we are.  We all know how much it hurts and how terribly frustrating it can be to feel like no one else knows or identifies with you. 

We talk so much about finding BDSM and feeling like we are finally home and being finally at peace knowing we are not alone in this big scary world. 

So then i have to ask, where do we (some not all of us) get off doing the same thing to others who have found there home here?  What right do we have to say others are wrong, gross, unacceptable, etc. when we meet someone who has a different kink than we do?

If we want there to be a change in the world were EVERYONE is accepted and embraced for who they are then we need to BE the change we want to see in the world.  How can we demand to be heard and seek out acceptance if we cannot provide that to our peers? How can we stand tall and proud if from within we are squabbling and tearing one another down?

It is time for a change.  We need to challenge ourselves to be tolerant of everyones life choices, to present ourselves as a united front to the "vanilla" world.  In a world that embraces streamlining, mainstreaming, and intolerance as virtues, we need to lead by example and be the change we want to see in the world.  We scoff at the sissy boys, cringe when watersports or scat is mentioned, say someone isn't a Top or a bottom just because they do it differently than we do.   This is just hypocritical and destructive. 

So, then, i issue a challenge to each and every one of us.  Search out someone who doesn't share your particular kink and learn about it.  Talk to one another.  Through communication comes understanding and through that, tolerance and eventually unity.  That is my challenge to us all.  Be the change.  Challenge yourself to grow and gain knowledge and understanding and by doing so we can change the world for the better one person at a time. 

my Prayer for Daddy.....

Let me awake in Your arms,
and i wake up the happiest of women.
Let Your face be the first i see each day,
and the last i see when my day ends.

Let me be all that You want me to be,
to answer each question that You ask.
Let my hands and my will be at Your call,
to perform each sweet and loving task.

Let me be always at Your side, my love,
in this world of floods and droughts.
Let Your voice be the one i hear most,
in this world of whispers and shouts.

And let me love You now and forever,
wherever the night and day may lead,
so that far beyond mere stars or sun,
past time itself, Your love my only need.

Even if the voices in my head aren't real, they still have some really good ideas....giggles....
~nikayla