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Let's be people, first.
I'm a lot of other things more often than I'm a sexual bottom, and I'm squicked by the idea of defining myself as a bottom first, and everything else is incidental.
I'm an introspective person who works for a living and is creative, talkative, compassionate, occasionally witty, adventurous, and frequently lazy. I love a wide variety of movies, a lot of TV shows, the internet, and going out to eat. Sex is interesting, but there are a lot of other things in the world. If BDSM is your whole world, more power to ya, but that's too much for me.
This is my new header for my profile, because my old profile (below) doesn't really reflect that I believe it's important to get along outside
of the bedroom, since that's where people spend most of their time. I
like conversation and debate, and if you can't converse (and hopefully debate!), I'm
not interested.
And then here's the old profile - it's all still applicable, but I wanted to put up a first-line defense against the strange emails I've gotten from the folk who seem to want me to be little more than a living RealDoll.
.........
Wow, these profiles are hard to write. How do I describe me, and what I want, quickly and cleverly, in a way that will make you lust after me?
...
Here's my crappy attempt:
I'm brand-spanking-new to the Scene (and a year new to Seattle). I've only ever played one in-person scene, and that was with a friend-of-a-friend well-known in his BDSM community. Even still, getting out of my car to knock on his door was the greatest act of willpower I've ever experienced.
I'm a little scared. I've been limiting myself to playing online, but that's not enough anymore. I'm looking for somebody I can safely play with, who would like to train me but understands my lack of experience. I'm not even very experienced in vanilla sex. At all. I'm a blank canvas, or, at the very most, slightly smudged.
To make matters more complicated, I'd consider myself more of a bottom than a submissive. I like the sensation of pain and the *sensation* of submissiveness - but only when I'm in the mood for it. I want to be equals - until we decide we're not. If you're a man or woman who can accept being throughly beaten in a debate over dinner, but still be able to take command in the bedroom, you're on the way to being my ideal.
Lastly, while I don't want to hurt any feelings, I'm incredibly creeped out by the idea of playing with people who have more in common with my parents than they do with me. Be 45 or under, please!
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Wow it's been a long while since I've been on the site. I did meet a couple of great people earlier in the year, but life got really busy and kind of difficult, and I just dropped this aspect of my life. Maybe I'm ready to get back into it.
To that end, I'm thinking of joining the Seattle WetSpot. I'm still not really comfortable with the idea of just meeting somebody from this website without some kind of chaperone, plus, I don't want to seduce somebody with my brilliant wit (ha!) and then have them be disappointed by me in person. Better to have them start out disappointed and eventually impress them with aforementioned wit (ha!).
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I've been thinking a lot about the words that are used in the Scene. "Slave," seems easy, but "submissive" and "bottom" are harder to define, harder to pick apart.
I am not born to serve. I was not born to be molded into a living doll, however self-disciplined and cherished that doll might be. I was not born to kneel at the feet of just anyone who happens to be Dominant.
I've hard a hard time explaining it to those that have asked. The best explanation seems to be an analogy: Despite being a borderline atheist, I still love the ritual of a Catholic Mass. The standing, the kneeling, the pageantry; they all touch me, bring a sense of glory and peace, like the best art.
But it's just that: Art. It manipulates the emotions, but that's different from trying to manipulate the mind, the core of a person.
While I might be weak in many ways, I am too strong for that. I have lived my entire life alone, and could easily continue to do so. I have achieved rational thought, some valid wisdom, and a strong will, and as those are hard-won achievements I will not sacrifice them.
But the more important question is, why would anyone want me to?
What power is there in dominating the powerless? What value is a sacrifice of self, when there is little self to give?
I don't seek to mortally offend 24/7 submissives or slaves. I know that it must take tremendous self-discipline to be dedicated to such a lifestyle. But inside, my stomach twists at the idea of being denied the right to speak the truth when it needs to be spoken.
Or even merely when I feel like speaking it.
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Well, it's been interesting so far! I've exchanged mails with several folk who all seem very nice and helpful. The consensus seems to be that I should go to the Wet Spot club here in town to meet people or even just to play. I think I will, although my job scheduling seriously gets in the way.
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Well, today (12/27) is my birthday. When I blow out my candles, I'm going to wish there was some kind of BDSM bodyguard/safety service I could hire to watch my back if and when I go out to play. Somebody who will go to the place I'm going to play, see my Dom/me's face, and make sure I call them afterwards to confirm I've left safely.
My first session was with a friend of a friend who was a pillar of the BDSM community, and I trusted him entirely not to be diseased and to respect safewords. Some random stranger on the internet? Not so much. Even if we have a public-meeting and he or she seems normal, that doesn't guarantee that they won't be psycho once we're alone and I'm tied up. I've heard terrible horror stories, and, as much as I want to play, it doesn't seem worth the risk. That, more than anything, is what's been holding me back from jumping in.
Why a professional service? I just don't want to tell my friends about this. I want this to be something personal and private. I dearly love my friends, but they'd never stop with the jokes if I asked one of them to do this sort of thing.
*sigh.*
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