- The Largest BDSM Community on the Planet

The Largest BDSM Community on the Planet

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Hetero Female Slave, 51,  Tampa-area, Florida
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Um, Master... Does this St. Andrew's cross make me look fat?"
"Tales of 'The Princess Whore' "
Very funny, intelligent, independent and caring 48 year-old slave. my discovery of an active community of BDSM Lifestylers was like an epiphany, and was the mental and physical awakening of my life. i was stunned to see that so many thoughts, actions and predilections i've had were actually "legit". i absolutely love it, and am actively seeking new experiences and embracing living the BDSM Lifestyle. i'll never go back to 'nilla! girl has been told she's a very, very good slut: A true good girl and a pleaser. Eager, willing, enthusiastic and increasingly knowledgable, with a toy chest and "arsenal" that are ever-expanding. i can't get enough. Sometimes i think i MUST be sick, but then toss that thought to the wind and stick my hand down my panties--when i'm wearing them. heh heh.

Through community networking on Lifestyle sites, and at events, i've formed some bonds with several Doms, and look forward to meeting more genuine Lifestylers.

i've enjoyed attending BDSM functions like Fetish Convention Tampa, Dom Con Atlanta, Bash on the Bay, Thunder in the Mountains, and the Florida Fetish weekends. i travel to as many as i can afford. i also belong to a few private dungeon clubs, and attend local munches. i'm very serious about expanding my knowledge and fulfilling a constant thirst for use and play.
For more information, please read the ad below: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Once a beloved, collared pet; now a wild, feral puppy running all over town, rolling in clover and tipping over trash cans. Bad, bad girl. Got a newspaper? i do have some Doms and lovers in my life, Whom i see on occasion. i serve Them well, but None own me. i keep busy at Lifestyle events, the munches and the dungeons. i am sincerely involved in the local "Community", and secretly hope to find Someone else Who is, and Who matches me. But, well, pfftt. What's wrong with men??? Are there any REAL Doms out there? Can Anyone tell the truth? Sometimes i wonder...Will Someone completely own this girl again? Someone Who i can trust and make happy? Probably not, and i won't take the time to ponder it, or swim in a pool of regrets. Rather, i'm enjoying being free and having adventures at my own will. Life's a buffet, and i think i see something wrapped in bacon up ahead. :) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For further information, please read ad below: FREE TO GOOD HOME Offered by the A.S.P.C.A.--Available Slave Pet Collaring Agency Recently rounded up in a Pasco County slave sweep. Older pet, but has puppy energy. 2007 slave model. Slightly used. Some visible wear. Blonde hair, green eyes. Large build, but nicely packaged for a big girl. Puts effort into presentation. Shows signs of mistrust, but has potential to flourish with proper guidance. Desirable Features:
~Genuine and sincere Lifestyle submissive
~Responds well to commands
~Eagerness to learn proper behavior
~Highly motivated
~Extremely skilled in oral service
~Trained in three holes
~Very humble under a genuine Dom
~Craves control
~Crawls willingly
~Loves being collared and leashed
~Savors the smell of leather; and knows what it means to earn it.
~Very witty and entertaining
~More clean than a hamster, won't shed feathers, doesn't drag a poop trail around a tank
~Does not require a litter box, unless that is One's preference
~Approved for flight on an aircraft as an assistance animal. Enjoys travel.
~Cooks well. Likes feeding Others
~Responds well to objectification
~Possesses ability to serve as a Domme, while remaining a slave.
~Very playful
~Exhibits obedience and submissiveness openly
~Open to body modification
~Is fit to be tied
~Highly sociable. Enjoys public play
~Very fond of fetish wear, lingerie and sexy shoes. Large assortment included
~Performs well when being shared
~Possesses extensive toy collection and arsenal
~Amenable to interact with other females
~Self-supporting and independent
~Enjoys pain and fear when properly nurtured
~Geisha qualities. A true servant, gracious hostess and care-giver
~Formerly owned. Previously domesticated, chained and caged
~Easily customizable
~Very few hard limits; willing to explore and push boundaries
~Looks great on a PRIDE float
~Passed 2012 safety inspection Undesirable Characteristics Include:
~wariness and trust issues
~scowling behind her Master's back
~excessive disciplinary requirements
~resists orgasm control and masturbates without permission
~dislikes being naked
~may verbally provoke a Dom during play, unless gagged
~tendencies to wander when un-stimulated or un-caged
~excessive sex drive
~very vocally responsive
~will resist a weak Dom and top from the bottom
~tendency to sometimes pee when cumming
~dislike of CNN, Fox News, MSNBC
~tendency to whine loudly during anal sex WARNING: This pet has gone feral in the wild, and may bite under duress. May require strong re-training at the hands of a skilled Master. Not appropriate for a novice. Requires a clearly-established, highly-structured environment with hands-on conditioning. Will bore easily and needs supervision. May become non-responsive and recalcitrant when left idle. The A.S.P.C.A. encourages interested Owners to Pre-Qualify. To avoid wasting the Agency's, and Your time, please review the following before inquiring: ~pet is a large one. Ranks 8 on St. Bernard scale. Must have a strong, well-built Handler.
~pet has not shown interest in ownership by, or obedience to, a younger Master. Age 45 and up preferred.
~pet is 5' 5" when allowed to stand. Often wears 7" platform heels. Highly prefers a taller, larger Dominant.
~SINGLE Males only. No married men, players or collectors need apply.
~Must be intelligent and well-established in a career. Sense of humor a plus.
~Must be LOCAL
~Experience in genuine BDSM Lifestyle required. Ability to live and interact in such a manner needed. Should enjoy socialization in BDSM Community events. Need for excessive discretion is undesirable.
~One slave/One Master. The Agency will not allow slave pet to be adopted by Anyone seeking "poly". If this slave is not servile, engaging, sexual and enjoyable enough to please One on her own, He will not qualify. slave is amenable to Owner enjoying others as "guests", but will not consider sharing her Owner with other slaves.
~NO SWITCHES. slave requires an absolute, hetero Dominant. A "Dom's Dom."
~Having a Harley is a bonus.
~slave is attracted to evil imaginations. Sane Sadists will enjoy breaking her. she will cry, beg and shed genuine tears.
~slave requires attention, feedback and training. Interested Owners without enough time, without freedom from constraints, or having too much baggage need not apply.
~slave will not play with, or be owned by, Anyone Who drinks in excess. SUMMARY: For maximum enjoyment of this slave's traits, Owner Candidate should desire and have the ability to train a servile, humble and loving pet who enjoys learning to please, crawling, kneeling, serving and being caged and bound. He should have a strong desire to apply bondage and restraints. He should desire a slave who accepts discipline to keep her mind focused. He should establish and enforce His rules. He should enjoy being waited on, worshipped and serviced, privately and publicly. He should enjoy playing, and be well-versed in a variety of methods. He should be creative and motivated to use this girl thoroughly. He should be highly sexual and prepared to manage an owned whore properly. NOTE: This pet has gone feral due to time spent with unsuitable Owners. she has little tolerance for fools, liars, collectors and game-players. her puppy nose smells bullshit a mile away. she is fully prepared to run away when disappointed or disillusioned. she will vehemently resist collaring. Only genuine Lifestyle Masters-- "Old School" is optimal-- should consider thoughts of caging this one again. For insight into this slave's private fantasies, read "Your Loving and Devoted Slave", by Karyn Kama. Or, "As She's Told", by Anneke Jacob. Both inspire her furious masturbation. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~












 Female Slave



 Willing to Relocate

 5' 5"






Actively Seeking:

Dominant Male

Friends Only

 Lives For:

 Blindfolds (Expert)

 Bondage (Expert)

 Cages (Expert)

 Collars (Expert)

 Gags (Expert)

 Leashes (Expert)

 Obedience Training (Expert)

 Spanking (Expert)

 Lifestyle BDSM (Expert)



 Flea Markets

 Garage Sales



 Breast Play

 Canes and Crops

 Corsets (Expert)

 Electrical Play

 Local BDSM Community (Expert)

 Hair Pulling

 Mental Bondage

 Munches (Expert)

 Objectification (Expert)

 Outdoor Bondage (Beginner)

 Pony/Puppy Roleplay

 Public Play  (Expert)




 Wax play

 Board Games

 Web Surfing

 Cooking (Expert)


 Online Auctions (Expert)




 Keto (Expert)

 Old Guard

 Heavy Metal Music

 Rock Music


 Amusement Parks

 Art Galleries

 Bar Hopping



 Coffee Shops

 Fine Dining




 Musical Theater


 Anal Play

 Begging (Expert)

 Body Worship

 Corner Time


 Eye Contact Restrictions

 Fire Play (Beginner)

 Housework Service (Expert)


 Knife Play (Beginner)

 Masks (On Partner)

 Masks (Wearing)

 Massage (Giving)

 Medical Play (Beginner)

 Needle Play

 Orgasm Denial

 Serving as a Maid

 Plastic Wrap (Beginner)

 Role Playing

 Sensory Deprivation


 Speech Restrictions

 Whips (Beginner)

 Card Games

 Comedy Shows

 Horror Movies

 Online Chatrooms

 Puzzle Games


 True Crime


 Body Art

 Candle Making














 Writing (Expert)

 1950s Lifestyle

 Goth Lifestyle

 Swinging (Expert)

 Alternative Music

 Classical Music

 Eighties Music

 Electronica / EDM

 Industrial Music

 Nineties Music


 Opera Music


 Seventies Music



 Foot Worship

 Massage (Getting)

 Arcade Games



 Female Supremacy



 New Age Music

 New Wave

 Pop Music

 Punk Rock Music

 Curious About:

 Bird Watching

 Going to the Opera

 Renaissance Faires

 Fisting (Beginner)

 Gas Masks



 Vacuum Stimulation

 Role Playing Games

 Soap Making



 Antique Shows

 Enemas (Beginner)

 Historical Shows


 Science Fiction

 TV Sports

 Intellectual Discourse




 Country Music

 Hip Hop Music


 Show Tunes





 Romance Novels

 TV News

 Conservative Politics


 Liberal Politics

 Libertarian Politics

 Political Activism

 Gorean Lifestyle


 Blue Grass

 Folk Music




 Hard Limits:

 Watersports (Beginner)

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Journal Entries:
10/24/2013 2:32:54 PM



So much is happening, i cannot find time to write about it. i'm backed up all the way to a fun play party, and Florida Power Exchange weekend in September, and stuff keeps happening. Had a fun scene this past Saturday night with a guy i never expected to see again that popped in out-of-the-blue, then helped do a scene at our club with a Mistress and a sub guy on Sunday and ended up getting some girl-on-girl action as a bonus. i was spent when i got home.


This week has been an amazing one of CLARITY. i feel so empowered and so in control of my emotions and my destiny. i'm primed to be found by my "One", and  now am totally over "another" that was stuck in my mind. i just needed to spend one more day with Him to realize it would have never worked.  After sitting at my Club next to Him while He spent most of His time flirting with another woman, who also spent a very short time with Him before He dated me, i was nothing more than amused. He had the two of us like bookends on each side, telling and nodding about why He's not what we need or want to serve.  He admitted He was selfish, unreliable and inconsiderate. Bravo!!  He promised to call me on Monday and didn't, and didn't reply to my texts this week; absolutely what i now expected. "Predictably Unreliable". i so much want to send a text saying "Thank You for still being You".  But why bother?  i've already got my hooks into a newer, younger replacement of Him, with the same name. Heh heh heh. i'm tickled over it. A newer model. What a different attitude i have about it. Mental-burden eliminated. Wheww. i feel like i can breathe deeply now and enjoy the ride. Something big is going to happen for me very SOON. i'm going to practice saying "Yes, Master".  :)


In the meantime, i'm just sneaking a moment on here because i've been getting notes asking about my next entry. How sweet of Y'all. Thank You. i'm busy getting food and supplies ready for our dungeon's "Go to Hell" party tomorrow night. "Inconsiderate" is supposed to be going, because i'd invited Him weeks ago to just be a kind human being and maintain a "just friends" dynamic, which relieved me of my guilt and angst, but i'm not even sure if He'll be there or not. Frankly, i can honestly say i don't care. We did a fun scene last week, but that was all it was going to ever be in the end. And i've got my other play partner coming, so i'll not be idle for long. i'll always have Someone to beat my ass.


There's another cool party on Saturday night, then i already have two vanilla-ish dates next week, and another party at our dungeon on Friday ("Saints and Sinners"), so my week's pretty full already. It never stops and God am i glad for it!  


i've been cooking since last night, and have a "red Hell-vet" cake to frost, a zillion boiled eggs waiting to be deviled, and a few other snacks to prep so..... gotta get busy here. Thank You to everyone who've shown their support for this wayward woman in her fun and foibles. Your words mean alot.



One FREE slave, UNOWNED by Anyone... but not for long.  :)



10/19/2013 9:32:03 AM



Busy, busy Saturday today. i've got our local munch to attend first, meeting a T-gurl so we can plan some T-gurl events at our dungeon, seeing my play partner, and meeting a new Dom that found me on another site. That new "Society" site that's been advertised on here as a banner ad. It actually works!  Maybe this One will the THE One. i am so wanting it i feel like an over-ripened peach ready to fall off the tree. i like what He has to say and what He wants. So..... i'll see. Cross your fingers for me.  After the munch is a play party at our dungeon. It's a "tie up and escape" party tonight, so i'm hoping to be bound and helpless as i struggle to get out of it.  Mmm. Sounds fun. And then the hard stuff happens. Bring it on, "LSM"...i'm looking forward to You tonight. Make me scream for You, Sir. You know i will.


i'm feeling like "something" is going to happen for me very soon. It seems to be right around the corner. i made amends with the Dom i dated recently, so that inner angst is gone, and now i can move ahead without that shadow in the back of my brain. i feel really, really good.  i am hopeful and feeling anticipation. There's change on my horizon. This girl might just be claimed soon. Right in time for the holidays. Whewwww. i hope the seeds i planted will grow soon. i can feel it, and i am ready to love and serve Someone.


BTW, if anyone does join the "Society" site, please use my ID# as a referral. It's 1641. i'll get points on my account for referring you, then you can do the same with others and your ID#.  i'd appreciate it alot! There's a monthly contest with a prize from J.R.'s Stockroom. This month it's a hogtie kit. Sooooo-eeeeee!  i'd like that.


Gotta go make myself beautiful now. It's getting late.


xoxo, to All who read this, and thank You.


10/17/2013 3:38:59 PM



Today has been a very good day indeed.

10/5/2013 9:41:52 AM



Gone to the Inverness munch, and a party afterwards. Meeting a brand new Man today, and i'm feelin' lucky. i realized that the last Guy i dated (briefly) was the "transition guy". Every woman He's dated recently has gone on to find a fulfilling relationship shortly afterwards. The odds are in my favor.  :)


i'm going to PLAY tonight.  mmmmmmm

10/2/2013 1:08:38 PM

Wednesday, 10-2-13


Continuing thank yous to all who are reading these things. When i stop i get notes! i'm humbly flattered.


i'd like to write today about Florida Power Exchange weekend (3 dates; came home sore, was begging to stop fucking by Sunday afternoon), but i'm moody. my brain is cloudy and something's bothering me, but i can't pinpoint it. i'm edgy.


Today's theme song would be Genesis' "Land of Confusion".


i have to shake it off. i've already cum twice today and it's been just a temporary panacea. Grrr. 


i'm focusing on the weekend coming. It's going to be a busy one, starting on Friday night at our little dungeon for a play party. Then heading up north for a munch in Inverness, and those people need my humor, so if i'm "on", i won't dwell on other matters.  There's a play party afterwards at a private home, which i swore i wouldn't go to again, but this time i've got a concrete play partner lined up for it. He won't dick around and waste time all night and leave me hanging like the Host did the last time.  This One is the One i'd mentioned previously, who made me "scream like i've never screamed before". His toy bag makes me drool with desire and curiousity. It's heavy, and barely revealed yet.  That Man has my attention. my little puppy tail is wagging.


i may not be able to sit down after that party; the last scene kept my ass stinging for 3 days, with thick welts. If i can bear it, i'm hitting the Spring Hill munch on Sunday, on my way back home. i feel like i'm on the "BDSM FL Tour 2013" this weekend. A girl's gotta keep busy, right? And i know i'm lucky to live in a place where the Community is so active.  Sorry, Wyoming.


More later. i think i'm going to go peddle for awhile to burn some energy. It'll make my butt look better, too.  

xo, Folks.

9/23/2013 4:11:02 PM

Monday, 9-23-13

Having some subdrop today. Will write more later.

9/22/2013 12:59:05 AM

3:50 a.m. Sunday, Sept. 22


i can't write much right now because i'm dead tired and my ass is burning in my office chair. Just got home a few minutes ago from our dungeon, and did a scene with the Dom that came to the munch. i have thick welts that i can feel through the fabric of my dress. For my first scene with Him it was pretty intense. i had my eyes closed tightly and was focusing on my headspace for most of the time, moaning to myself. But, near the end, i guess i let out some primal screams during incessant paddling. my friends downstairs in the social area told me they heard "a scream like we've never heard from you before". (i remember that one). They left the seating area and listened at the base of the dungeon stairs to make sure i was o.k.. i was, but not without "results". my ass is HOT now, and i don't mean sexy.


my dog's done peeing outside and i need to get to bed now. i'm glad i sleep on my SIDE. i don't think i'll be sitting comfortably for a few days.


Mmm... it's been awhile.  i'm back.


Thank You, L.S.M., for an enlightening experience. The painslut is satisfied. For now.

9/20/2013 7:19:32 PM

i love You, Sir. 

You already know who You are; it's just that i don't know yet. Please find me soon.

9/17/2013 7:45:15 PM

If men are a dime a dozen, i'll take a buck's worth.

9/17/2013 7:15:58 PM


A Reply to Kind Readers

Wow! People are actually reading this stuff. To think that anyone would have a modicum of interest in what i do floors me. i've often felt like an invisible speck, usually praying for attention from Someone who doesn't even see me. But, after my last posting on Friday, i've gotten a bunch of very nice emails asking me about what happened next. It's quite flattering, and admittedly, a bit of an ego boost.

For that, i THANK YOU nice people!

The three points of inquiry were: "How was the party?", "What happened with Sergeant Satan?" and "What are you doing next?"

So.. How was the party? i'm assuming that it was the party i'd mentioned on Friday, and not the previous one up north from me (which was such a let-down i didn't write about it.) This one was a fine time, once i arrived after navigating there with a GPS Australian guy that i swear wants to kill me. i knew many of the people there, and i was greeted warmly. i'm usually the "comic relief" at any gathering, and i was true to that label. People around me were laughing, and i just love that. There was positive energy flowing, and then the scenes began in the house. Unfortunately, i hadn't brought a partner, so i observed. But, watching makes me antsy, because i'd rather DO a scene than watch other people. i went back outside to be my amusing self again. When i had to leave, a needle-play scene was going on. If you have a party and people actually PLAY at it, you know you've had a good one. i got a nice thank-you from the hosts a few days later, telling me i'm one of their favorite people; now who wouldn't want to hear that? :)

How'd it go with Sergeant Satan? Well, unfortunately, i had to postpone that to this week. He'd driven down that day from North Carolina, after visiting His aging parents to help them with some things. He'd already traveled 750 miles that day, and called me when i was driving to the party, later than i'd planned to be. We'd tried to coordinate hooking up earlier that evening, but that became difficult with my time-frame. When we spoke again, He was in Tampa, and tired, but contemplating meeting me midway on my route. i had developed mixed feelings about meeting that night, because i knew i'd get "short-changed". i desperately wanted to fuck (no surprise there), and be able to walk into the party saying "Guess what i just did?!?" But, God got cute with me and sent me "woman troubles" on Thursday, or as the Sergeant called it, "Shark Week". Dammit. i'd coasted along for three months without a sign of it, but OF COURSE, when you want to do something, or put on a pair of white pants FYI, the curse will intervene. i swear sometimes that God doesn't want me to be a slut, but i'll be unconvinced of that until i get lockjaw. With a CSI crime scene going on below the belt, and the lateness of the hour, W/we decided to wait until this week. i sent Him a text message on Saturday saying "i'm thinking about You, Sir", and He replied, "you should be". That made my loins quiver. i knew He was busy with family on Sunday, and i was busy myself with other things on Monday, so i sent another message this morning, just wondering if He was still interested. i got a reply almost immediately saying "DEFINITELY interested, just tied up with work right now", then another, "Keep that playground ready for Me". Oooo. That was enough to keep my fire lit.

i have to run "Game Night" at our dungeon tomorrow night, so i've got my sights set on Thursday evening. my motor is running.

And God DAMMIT, DAMMIT, DAMMIT, speaking of my motor running, and of text messages: People, i have been BAD, BAD, BAD. Jesus, what came over me, i don't know. Anyone that's been reading these entries knows that i started writing again after i was seeing some Guy i was really into, but we had a huge argument (my own fault) and things ended badly, in short time. i've been frustrated, angry at myself and pissed about it, but accepted my guilt and owned it. i focused my positive energy on self-improvement, correcting flaws, and not waiting in an ivory tower for Master Wonderful to come along and find me. i have kept quiet and unobtrusive, haven't made a public spectacle about it, didn't trash-talk, and other than some texts trying to get some of my things back from Him, i've gone on my way with dignity. i've been covered in men for the past few weeks, and feel like North on the dick compass. i've not been short on admirers or play potentials. So, what's my problem?

i got weak.

i sent Him a text message when i was on a boring date on Saturday with a vanilla guy too old for me. It said "i miss Your cock". Dammit, i hate even thinking about this as i'm writing here. WTF??? WEAK WEAK WEAK. i know i needed some validation of sorts... or i think i did. And Jesus, i do miss that dick. i had an involuntary intake of breath when i got an unexpected reply of "I miss your mouth". Oh hell. i guess that's good and bad. i wanted to be remembered for my good points, but it also reminded me of some time i'd spent there. i have to try very hard to delete those thoughts. i don't look at His profile or picture any more or look at my phone for texts. i try to focus on how mean He was to me on the last day, and i suppress the memory of the good time i spent with Him, but i guess it's not fool-proof. i admit that Nobody has impacted me in such a way for over three years. i can lie about it to friends, but i know i love Him. It was very fast, but i can argue in my head forever and and still know the truth. i feel ashamed of it, and can't really talk to anyone about it, so you anonymous folks are my sounding board. Help me!

i know in the real world, some things are unchangeable and i need to accept them. That relationship has the same chance of returning as my mother does after dying a few years ago. Sometimes i still have the urge to call her or go visit and i have to remember that i can never, ever, ever do that again. It's FINAL and no amount of money, power, beauty or or influence can change that. Sometimes "forever" actually does mean forever.

With that thought as my guide, i am determined that i will drink arsenic if i have a weak moment like that again. i've put an elastic band around my phone to prevent me from being able to open the sliding keyboard to send an impulsive text. i have to consciously make a decision before each one. i will remain in control. Ironic statement for a slave, i know, but as some astute people realize, slaves have a lot more control than some think they do. slaves are strong individuals. i betrayed that strength, but can only take measures to prevent it again. i remember the old saying, "I've got to wash that man right out of my hair". At least He lives far away.


"What are you doing next?" After tomorrow's "Game Night", my radar is on Thursday for Sergeant Satan, then this weekend, because we have our West Pasco munch on Saturday. i'm one of the organizers, so i need to be there. There's a Dom from Crystal River Who's seen me a few times at gatherings; most recently at the Inverness munch (and disappointing party i'd attended in that area a few weeks ago.) He sent me a note expressing His interest in playing with me, and from what He says, He elicits quite vocal responses. He's a hardass. He wanted to play with me at the party, but thought i'd been exclusively promised to the party Host. i sure wish He HAD. i'd have had a better time. He's coming to the munch to see me and talk about it. After the munch, right down the same street is our dungeon, and we are celebrating a birthday of an Englishman in our "family". We are having a "Nigel-Fest" English-themed party. It should be good fun, and i can play with the new Dom in my own place. Cool. Finally, Someone there for ME.

i don't know what it is about "north" of me lately; it's been a real hotbed up there. On Sunday, i sent a note to another Dom, from Inverness, that i randomly saw on another "Alt" site. i almost never initiate a conversation or want to appear that i'm hitting on someone. i generally only respond to what i receive. i don't know what it was about the Guy, but i liked His look and read the profile, which was a really good one. He "gets it" when it comes to the Lifestyle scene. He can be nice, and He can be evil; an attractive combo for me. (Oh, please God, let Him have a bike.) i wrote a note complimenting the profile, and saying that i'd recently been in His area. He wrote back quickly, saying that He'd viewed my profile before, but thought that i was owned at the time. That must have been years ago, but He still remembered me and liked what He read and what He saw. Excellent. He's been wanting to explore the scene in that area, and even knew who the Host of the party i'd attended was.  The tricky thing there is that He wants to meet with me at the munch and go to the party later. Well, after the "all sizzle and no steak" experience i had at the last party up there, i've had words with the Host about it, and the fault is 100% His. i'm not sure if He wants me there, or if i even want to go back. It was a long ride for basically feeling like i was the hired comic entertainment, rather than a "demo dolly".

So, my plan is to attend the munch on October 5 (Cocktober!), where i'll probably see "the Host" (who should be glad i haven't outed His lameness by using His name). Although i have no romantic designs on Him, i will LOVE to show up at that munch with a Dom leading me. i'll sweetly smile with the knowledge that i am actually with Someone interested in DOING something with me, rather than just talking about it. If the party isn't a possibility, i can continue smiling and say "then W/we'll just go play on O/our own". 

And yet a third Dom.... and another from "up north"...has asked me to play. We chatted extensively today. From what He says, He's also Lifestyle. (i have to determine that first, in this age of internet wanna-be's).  He knows people in the Community that i know and He's frequented The Woodshed (a lovely dungeon in Orlando run/owned by Master Cecil). He moved to Crystal River from Orlando, so doesn't know much about the local scene yet. i'm a perfect tour guide. :) my stilleto footprint is showing up all over there lately. i'll be glad to give guidance. He's older than my preferred age limit (55), but one of my favorite play partners is 70 and a wicked-fun sadist, so i'll probably give this Guy a shot. i thought about recommending the same munch and party in October, but that might be a little sticky for me. Unless....wouldn't be the first time...i arrange a tandem scene: Two Doms, one slave. Oh crap,  i forgot the other guy from Crystal River...He goes to the same things. Three? Just the image of three men hurting me makes me wet.  Again, wouldn't be the first time for this seasoned bitch, but some familiarity is usually involved first. And how much would i love to play in front of Someone who had me right in front of Him, but wasted time, took it for granted and missed out? Any female knows that type of satisfaction. ~weg~ Can't quite know yet if i can pull that one off with these two, or three but....

i'll see. ~winks~

Right now, i'm going to go wash my hair.






9/13/2013 1:15:11 PM



Friday the Thirteenth...A day of doom...or Dom?


i've got another party to go to tonight, at the house of a Lifestyle "colleague". i feel lucky to have been invited to this private event. i hope i make a good showing. i think i'll wear my "man-trapping" dress. It hasn't failed me so far.


i'm a little apprehensive right now, not so much because of the party, but because beforehand, i am meeting someone new. i met this guy while IMing on a (for the most part) vanilla hook-up site, but he seems to have that special "Dom" appeal. He's former Marines, then Air Force, and was a drill sergeant. Mmmm. Discipline. And he's 49...mmm, the dick works. When he told me he'd been a drill sargeant, i said that probably alot of people said "Yes, Sir" to him; "Sargeant Scott". He told me they used to call him "Sergeant Satan". As soon as i heard that word, Satan, my insides fluttered. It was the name i'd given to my most beloved and evil Master, One who i will always love.


Have i struck another evil vein? Like my beloved Satan, this "vanilla" guy seems to have some serious Dom potential. my Master never had to buy a flogger, visit a dungeon or proclaim Himself superior. He just "was". He was "IT". The way Scott talked to me made me weak inside, and i felt compliant. He wasn't bossy or rude or demanding; just confident, smooth and hypnotic, even when talking about banal things. He's from North Carolina, so he has an enticing southern drawl, which is a bit provocative to this Yankee. He says he's going to use me thoroughly and completely. my God, let that be so. He called me the other day and left a voicemail saying "I am looking for you. Call me back." and i had to replay it three times.  The words went right through me.  "Yes, Sir, Seargeant Satan, Sir", i nodded at the phone.


i have to call Him back at 4:30, and it's 4:13 now, so i'd better get moving. i have snacks to make for the party, have to beautify myself, and then head out ready for my next adventure. my pussy is half-way out of the chair right now.


9/13/2013 12:27:39 PM

"Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die."


Move forward, people. Don't look back in regret.

9/7/2013 5:43:39 AM



i had a weird experience today "in Viet Nam", aka the nail salon. i call it my tour of duty, and it feels like i'm trapped in an Asian market, but i've been going there for awhile and the owners like me.


i sat down to my usual tech, Lee (imagine that). He usually asks me if i have a party to go to. "Always" is my normal answer. He was working away when he wanted me to move my hands back a bit, so my wrists were on the forearm rest on the table. He gestured, and i complied. Then he said "Ah, good girl". i laughed out loud at the secret magnitude of the term.


"Yes, i am a good girl", i had to agree.


While he was giving me a hand massage with some orange-scented scrub, right before you wash your hands and they commence with the polishing, my attention was diverted, until i realized he'd stopped massaging my hand and had my wrist cocked back, and was studying my palm.


"What, you a fortune teller now, Lee?" i quipped. "Looking at my life line, and my love line?"


He nodded, surprisingly. He seemed serious about it. "Ok, what's my life like?", i said, going along with it.


In broken English in a Vietnamese accent he said, "You have two lives". At first i thought it referred to my vanilla life vs. my Lifestyle existence. But, he continued and explained that from birth to age 40 i had one life, then from 40 to 80 (he predicted longevity) i was having another life. He illustrated with his hand going from up (at birth), gradually moving down, down, down, to when i was 40, then up, up, up now.


Hmm. Interesting concept there. And i had to agree with him, because it was when i turned 40 that i'd discovered the Lifestyle community and decided i was old enough to proceed with my true desires, with no apologies.


i was impressed, because i had to agree that he was right. my life did change when i was 40, and i've never been so free.


His eyes shifted to my left palm. "Ok, Lee, where's my love line? Where's my man?"


He nodded his head. 'Yes, you have a man".


"i know. Like ten of 'em right now", i said, almost impatient. "Now, where's 'the One'?" i asked. "You know...THE guy?"


"You know him now", Lee said.




"Yeah, you know him. You meet him already. He come back".


Again, "What??"


"Yes. You know him before. You love him before. He come back."


Ok, so i knew this guy before, but not now, and he's coming back?"


"Yes, someone you know is him. You know."


Ok, apparently "some former relationship--who knows when--involved the man of my destiny, and he's coming back", was the message i got.


Lee seemed very satisfied with his prediction. It just made me wonder... who? when? and why? Could this little nail guy be my oracle? i chuckled at the thought and lit a mental candle in the window, at least being open to the concept until.....


"Oh God, i hope it's not that dude from the sixth grade. That only lasted 3 days....and that's only because i brought in better lunches than he did".


Rather than scoff at what could be ancient Oriental wisdom, i'll say this:  i've got half a Subway and double-stuffed Oreos to trade. Come on back, Baby!

9/6/2013 11:00:05 AM



"Food for thought. Rich Food."


i went out with the aforementioned "computer hacker" last night and omg. i don't even know how to absorb this one. This guy found me on Adult Friend Finder, and was highly intrigued and titillated by my profile (ThePrincessWhore) and headline: "If you'd rather ride a Clydesdale than a pony, hop on." He quoted my own words to me, "I AM The Princess Whore. Tiaras on the dresser, dildos in the nightstand and paddles under the bed". i was impressed he even read the profile, no less memorizing my words. Apparently, he finds big blonde women to be enchanting. Score one for the girl.

Normally, i feel pretty on-level intellectually with the men i date, and sometimes feel superior. But, definitely not here. This guy makes me feel like i'm in Special Ed. Holy crap. He's supposedly the first person arrested in the U.S. for computer hacking, back in 1981, and said that the movies "War Games" and "Sneakers" were based on stuff he'd done. I guess now he uses his powers for good. He's writing His fourth book, and has published 38 papers. He has clients like the U.S. Government, Defense Dept., the White House and IBM. When he goes to the military base, he's escorted to a team assembled and waiting. Could i even believe that stuff? I am pretty gullible, because I just don't want to expend the energy into second-guessing every word people tell me. I took in what he said on the phone, and most of it was in the stratosphere above my head. Turns out, it didn't seem like he was b.s.-ing, because when I saw his vehicle, it was exactly as he'd described: Basically a "command central", with a NASA plate on the back and a MacDill AFB sticker on the windshield. The passenger seat was obliterated by a mobile power unit, with a laptop on top. This was in addition to the tablet he carried into the restaurant. He explained to me about surge protectors, lightning detectors and other do-dads, but i just said "Uh huh". There were cameras mounted on the dashboard and rear-view mirror. The back seat was a pile of electronics, flares, emergency gear, books and too much to take in. The front and back of the vehicle were equipped with yellow strips of warning lights.

"Where does anybody sit in here?", i asked. "No other human being rides in this vehicle", was his answer. Inwardly i thought, "Oh my God, i'm dating a robot". It was like Sheldon from "The Big Bang Theory", but older and Irish.

Well, at least he's a bit more social than Sheldon. He loved my shoes and clothes, and drank it in, complimenting me several times and calling me beautiful. What gal doesn't want that, coming from a robot or otherwise? I'll take it.

Then there's the money thing. Call me Eliza Doolittle, because that's how i felt. While i'm secretly fretting over my bank account being overdrawn and earning shit commissions for the past three months, he's telling me about buying artwork by "Lady Death", the history of Well's Fargo bank, and collecting rare currency. i now know what a double-denomination bill is. (A misprint, with two different dollar values on each side). Now if only that were the final question on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire". How could i possibly relate to spending $1500 for a one-dollar bill??

He must have detected that i get uneasy when anyone else is paying for me, because he urged me to order anything i wanted, as much as i wanted. i told him about not being comfortable doing that, and then heard about his family dating back to Captain Cook, and "old money". On top of all this high-level stuff he does, he's a trust-fund baby. Again, how can i relate or even believe this stuff? Some proof was in pictures in his phone of some of the bills he's acquired, and his listings on eBay selling some of them for thousands of dollars. He bitched about the low-ball bids some of the buyers are offering. If that could be my only problem.

He ordered so much food it was like a circus, and charmed the young waitress endlessly. He flirted shamelessly, while i sat there amused. He talked so much that i sometimes just jumped in and paraphrased what he was saying so she could get back to the kitchen. She laughed when i blatantly told her that it was the first time we'd met, and that he found me on Adult Friend Finder while looking for meaningless sex.

In the middle of dinner on the patio, he got a call on his phone. i could see the screen saying "Elaine. Cell. Emergency." He picked it up and began speaking to someone, telling her he was at dinner, and then, "Tell me about Syria." Syria?? When does that happen on a date? Then, "Where's Franz?" was his question. A bunch of "ok's" followed, and i got up for a bit to go to another area to use my phone just so i could call one of my friends to say "the guy is on the phone talking about Syria". i returned and found that Elaine is from a company that works with the government in anti-terrorism, and that something's going on in Syria and the U.S. is deploying a bunch of troops over there. i must have missed that when i was reading Yahoo headlines about a couple that spent $1.46 on their wedding, and why some fat girl got thrown out of a clothing store. That's my news. i'd told him previously on the phone that "BBC" meant something else to me besides British broadcasting.

Do y'all see the differences here?? i'm totally out of my element, and mostly smiling and trying to look coy or fetching, squeezing the boobies together a bit from time to time. He noticed, and said that i looked like meat to a starving man. Good! That's better than looking like i just fell off the back of the turnip truck, which is what i was thinking. He's telling me i should be wearing diamonds and leather, and i'm just grateful for the silver and stainless steel i have on me.

Just picking a bit from each plate on the banquet before me had me so full i wanted to turn bulimic afterwards. It was more food than i'd eaten in a month. i had to bring my entree home, and oh God, he bought me a mile-high piece of carrot cake, and a cannoli, to go. i felt SIN ahead later, and thousands of miles on my stationary peddler. i have no idea what the bill was; probably about $60. But, he left a 50-dollar bill on the table for the waitress. i glanced at it and bit my lip, following behind him. (When she saw us as we were heading towards the parking lot, she genuinely thanked us and said we made her night.)

He'd looked up hotels in the area on his tablet in case i wanted to play. Originally, i would have been, and was still, willing, but he could see that i was tired and feeling overly full. my eyes were rolling and i looked tense. He said we could wait until next time, and told me that i needed someone to take care of me. He also insisted that someday the key to my steel collar (which he loved) was going to be his, and that i'd wear his leash. That prompted me to raise an eyebrow, smile and say that it was mighty presumptuous of him. i'm as slippery as an eel now, and not going to be scooped up any time soon. i haven't been this in charge of my love life in quite awhile, and i'm not ready to stop yet. It'd take a voodoo spell.

Soooooo... we'll see. It was definitely a different type of evening for me, and it was amusing to say the least, besides fulFILLing. Oh Lord, that carrot cake later was an oral orgasm. Jesus help me. i had to gingerly break off little pieces and savored each one, over the course of the night. i'd fall asleep, wake up and reach for another. i will pay for this today in exercise and starvation. i have to look good for tomorrow because, once again...there's a man involved. The party up north, and the medical play.

Onward and upward i fly towards the next adventure ~grins~ i think i'm beyond even the sights of NASA.

9/5/2013 10:28:35 AM



"Busy Girl"


Had another date tonight, garnered from a whim response to a craigslist ad posted by a guy looking for a "sexy BBW". i figured i fit the bill and sent a note and pics, and apparently he liked what he saw. Turns out he's "semi-Lifestyle", so i was in partial slave-mode and obedient. We played in the bedroom, and he made me cum and squrt a few times, and i got him off 3 times, so i guess i was satisfying. He said i was quite "proficient".  Hmm.... i sure know what he meant by that. "Suck a cock and they will 'cum' ". heh heh heh.


He said he'd call me again soon, but i said, "i know you'll call me again when my phone rings." So, we'll see.  He's got a nice bike, and i want a ride. Vroooooooom!


Tonight's another date, with some guy who's apparently an expert computer hacker, with BIG bucks and high-level clients. i've told him that i'm just some poor, reasonably intelligent woman, but he insists he's "enthralled" with me. He hurts my brain sometimes,  talking about gigabytes, world-news and collecting art and rare currency, but i think i can distract him from geekdom for at least a little while.


Friday night, i head up north a few hours from me for a 2-day stint with a Dom having a party on Saturday. He wants me to help with it, because not only am i a good cook, and the "hostess with the mostest", but He also wants to inspire other people to play. He's informed guests that He's planning on doing a "medical play" demo. Ooooooo, that makes me shiver with anticipation. i'd done a scene like this with Him years ago, and when He stuck a needle straight through my labia, i screamed so loud that everyone in the dungeon turned their heads to see. Violet wand, speculum, needles, bondage and more. i'll be so helpless on that table. And it's going to HURT. "Nightmare Gynecologist". Oh my. Raptuuuuure. He told me to make sure to have my wrist and ankle cuffs with me, so i'll be "comfortable when i'm bound".  OMG, i can't wait.


On the way back from the party on Sunday, i'll stop in to see friends at the Spring Hill munch. Once i'm there, there WILL be laughter. It's all so fun.


i love me.



9/4/2013 9:00:45 AM



Life is beautiful.


i went to a really fun party this past Labor Day weekend: "Kink or Swim!". What a blast. It went on for two days. i spent good times with friends, enjoyed swimming naked in a lovely pool, and watched the scenes commence. Indoors, whips, paddles and floggers and a violet-wand were wielded. Outside, three Domme friends shrink-wrapped the party Host to a pillar on the patio. He looked like a human chrysalis, but was in rapture. A mouth-hole was employed, and then ice cubes were slid inside at strategic points while he wailed at the cold. Water and ice-cold beer were poured inside the top to up the torture, and the wrapped, wiggling form made an ideal target for those in the pool who had water cannons. Heh heh heh. Fun, fun, fun. i ended my Saturday night with a sound spanking from a wonderful Dom that was so well-orchestrated that in short time i was cumming so hard i fell back into His arms. He held me tightly as i felt myself wet the patio below me. Oh my. The only downside was that i finally had to force myself to leave the little paradise and head home, with a sunburn on the entire right side of my body. i fell asleep floating naked on my side in a pool chair for about an hour. my friend tabby called me "Pinky Pinkalooza", and my face looks like a harlequin mask. Oh well, i don't mind being amusing.


Next weekend is another party, and another the weekend after that. Then "Florida Power Exchange" weekend is upon us: Three days of parties, and a pool, and hotub, with vendors, too. Oh boy! New TOYS. The fun never stops. i'm registering and getting my room today.


After my most recent failure, i could have licked my wounds and cried for a week, but i didn't. Instead, i learned from it. i am re-energized, super-focused and now acutely aware of the type of Dom i need. i met "Him" once, and i see it again on my horizon. i've owned up to what was my fault, accepted the loss and moved ahead. i apologized, and even thanked Him for the good experiences. i've maintained myself with dignity, analyzed my flaws and fixed them, and put my angst-energy into working out every day. my mind is clear, my body is improving and people are noticing. i feel glorious. Slipping on that bathing suit on Saturday was alot easier than it was last time! Yesss.


Don't let a failure be your tombstone. Rise above and learn from it. i'm a better slave now than i was a month ago, and i'll be better still as time goes on. i've attracted interest from a wonderful Man, and i've feathered my nest besides. i'll not be idle, nor feel sorry for myself. If i'd not screwed up with the last One, i'd not be here now. And "here" is a good place to be. i'm happy and looking forward to each day. Bliss comes unexpectedly sometimes, but it always comes from within. Be proactive, people, and find your bliss.


This girl's definitely made some lemonade out of lemons lately. And it is SWEET.


Best wishes to A/all in T/their journeys. Get busy!!



8/27/2013 4:07:53 PM

Life is a series of temporary relationships. Enjoy each one while you can.

8/24/2013 6:35:54 PM

A Word of Advice on How to Catch a submissive/Domina/slave/etc.




i just received some "fan mail" from a submissive looking for a Mistress. While i may have just written a quick thank-you back, i took an extra moment to check the profile. i was definitely impressed by the intelligence and informativeness conveyed. "Life" experience and BDSM experience, preferences noted, reasons as well. VERY good.


Kudos to "Dommeluver". If you need to know how to write a profile, check that one out. Hmm, this slave may just have to hang up her cuffs and pick up the crop. Well-done.

8/24/2013 12:28:04 PM



Waffle Sex?


Oh my God.  i must be jonesing for carbs... and FOOD for that matter... because i was chatting with a young guy online today and somehow we got onto the subject of food, and waffles, and my mind drifted off into a weird fantasy. i could almost smell the maple syrup as my twisted mind conjured a picture of a syrup-soaked waffle wrapped around a cock. Man, i wonder how that'd feel for the guy. All those little cups. The wetness. Even the scent would enhance it. i'd be in a licking, sucking, sticky paradise. And then there're more toppings.... strawberry syrup, blueberries, whipped cream, chocolate. Pretty pedestrian, and i've not been one to have food or "splooshing" fantasies (Google it if you don't know what it means), but this one kind of tingled me.


Brings "Nine and a Half Weeks" to a new level.


i know there're people into "everything" these days, so i know there's a "waffler" out there. It'd be funny if i ran into Him.


i've been drooling over wayyy too many IHOP commercials lately.



8/22/2013 10:52:06 AM

Doing some soul-searching today and feeling very edgy. i'm angry at myself and the day is drawing out like a blade. i'd met Someone amazing and i poisoned it by being stupid. There're so many fun things coming up to do around here and i'm half into it.  When i think about how i could have been at His feet and serving Him it kills me. i will have to get over it.  Fortunately, the stationary peddler burns off angst. If it had wheels, i'd be in Georgia now.


Thank you all for the flattering notes. Keep 'em comin'. 


~tail wags~

8/21/2013 12:37:01 PM

"A trip through the Yellow Triangle--No acid required".


This is a journal entry about subspace. i've just saved a well-written post about it from another fetish site, written by a Lifestyle friend who defined the 5 Levels eloquently. i found it to be very interesting, and will use it now in my own knowledge-bank. i'd recommend to anyone who's new to it, or interested in the dynamics to to read it. i've copied it before posting this, so it's the next entry in line.  In the meantime, i've had my own remarkable experience.

Recently, without planning on it, i've been with Someone who's defined a new subspace for me. Over the years, i've had my episodes where the pacing, pain and connection was just right, that brought me to a state of "flying." i've again experienced the flying, but in keeping with a metaphor, this time was on the Concorde.

This night, i was already in "slave headspace" under His control. His dominance over me was unquestionable, and it's like hypnosis.  i think that must be "step-one", so maybe i was pre-amenable to taking a trip to a new land. my mind was already lubed up by simple acts of service, sexual and otherwise, and episodes of being tied, gagged, nipple-clamped, blindfolded, and randomly whipped and beaten. i was "loose", and my heart was involved now too, under some kind of strange voodoo spell. i hadn't visited that dark island in years and was in a different place mentally.

That aside, subspace doesn't just land on you; you have to be brought there.  If i'd known i'd be taking a trip, i would've packed. But the best part of play is when you don't know where it's going.  He seemed to be enjoying my pain and finding new ways to instrument it.  There were many toys available, and at one point, i was asked to pick one. i chose a "slapper" of rubber, triangle in shape (ironically), studded in a pattern with flat metal circles, on a rigid handle. i knew this toy from owning it for years, and that it could be mildly aggressive or downright evil. Why didn't i guess where that was going?

Sitting on the floor in front of His chair, arms behind my back, i winced as He smiled and began to use it on my bare breasts. It *hurt*. But, not nearly enough to please Him. (Ya gotta love the Sadists.) He was amused and fueled by my grunts and twists, trying to maintain position.  When i couldn't look at His face, i looked beyond His chair, down a short hallway. i was trying to find a focal point to distract me, and then noticed a door slighty ajar, with light passing through the crack. It was there on the floor: the yellow triangle. It caught my eye, and its innocent little shape and warm glow seemed to invite me to come visit. i can't explain it better than that. i was starting to sink and was looking for a raft.

He examined my boobs for results. For all of my yelps and movements, they stung, but didn't show much marking. my skin is damnably resilient and i could go through hell without showing much. To Him, it seemed a paltry reward. i sat there, willing for more. He then focused on the left one and really laid into it with the rubber.  Now a red mottled pattern began to emerge. *"Yeahhhhhhhhh!"*, He said, smiling. He was fired up now, and i was drifting towards dreamy and away from dread. By now, i was at the metaphorical airport.

i looked up at His pleased face and lifted my right tit. "But, now they have to match, Sir", i said in a soft voice.  He agreed. (Imagine that??). i lifted my face to the ceiling and held position, but now each horrific sting felt like "love". Each hurt was attention, each minute was being held in time. i've rarely visited this place, if ever.

The yellow triangle caught my eye. "Come here", it said to me. "Just let it all go".  i wish i could describe this more aptly, or the exact moment of my leaving, but i felt a trip of passage through light. It was euphoric.  i was no longer connected to the flesh and bone and brain of the being sitting on the floor. i was gone, and it was so beautiful that even now thinking about it makes my head swim.

He stopped to examine His work. my boobs looked like two hamburgers now, but i barely noticed. i extended my left arm like a child pointing to a balloon, loose in the elbow, with one finger slightly extended. He began saying something to me, but without trying to be disrespectful i held up my other hand with a slight finger motion to indicate that i couldn't speak. i felt little explosions going off in my eyes; sparkles. Partially coherent, looking like i was on dope, i kept saying, "i went through the triangle, i went through the triangle....thank You, Sir... i went there...see it?... i was there... thank You...", punctuated by involuntary half-giggles and snorts.  i don't know when i've felt more true bliss.

my coming down from this wonderful place involved me then receiving the most passionate, primal, intense and amazing kiss i think i've ever felt. It made me fall backwards. i swooned.  Later, i'd be screaming again, from yet another profound experience.  This day changed my focus in the Lifestyle and reminded me why i am a slave. i truly wish all submissives out there can feel these things.  i've been reminded of what my soul can feel. If i'm never there again in my life, i will still know that i've lived.

**SUBSPACE: Not just another place to eat a big sandwich!**

8/21/2013 12:24:38 PM

"The 5 Levels of  Subspace"


An interesting "article" i'm pasting below, written by a Lifestyle colleague of mine, "Velvetlashes", a TS submissive. A very concise view of subspace and its different levels. It's given me a goal.  subs and Dom/mes alike may find this interesting.



"The Five Levels of Subspace" by Velvetlashes


Over the last several years I have been asked what is subspace and what does it feel like. This is a hard question to answer because everyone has different experiences when entering into their subspace. There has been a common denominator that most experience when going into subspace, before, during and after coming down.

What is subspace?

According to Wikipedia
Subspace (also sub space, flying, or floating), in the context of a BDSM scene, is a psychological state that can sometimes be entered by the person bottoming in the scene.
Subspace is a metaphor for the state the bottom's mind and body is in during a deeply involved play scene. Many types of BDSM play invoke strong physical responses. The psychological aspect of BDSM also causes many bottoms to mentally separate themselves from their environment as they process the experience. Deep subspace is often characterized as a state of deep recession and incoherence. Deep subspace may also cause a danger in newer bottoms that are unfamiliar with the experience, and require the dominant to keep a careful watch to ensure the bottom isn't placing himself or herself in danger. Most bottoms require after-care while returning from subspace.

What Wikipedia doesn’t talk about is the process and how to take a bottom, submissive or slave to heightened levels of subspace. So lets explore the levels and dynamics of a scene during play. Also, we will need to discuss the level of after-care that should be negotiated before the scene starts. A lot of submissive people will skip this step and they could be putting them selves in danger with out realizing the importance of aftercare.
During the scene, the experiences of both pain and pleasure trigger a sympathetic nervous system response, which causes a release of epinephrine from the suprarenal glands, as well as a dump of endorphins and encephalin. These natural chemicals, part of the fight or flight response, produce the same effect as a morphine-like drug, increasing the pain tolerance of the submissive as the scene becomes more intense.

On a note: When I refer to a submissive, that will include bottom, slave, or any other person who is on the receiving end of the scene. I am sure this can apply to Dom/me or tops as well because they experience a form of subspace called Dom space.

Level 1

This level can be experienced by the anticipation of a scene that is coming even before a submissive will start playing. There are submissive people who will slip into this space by the mere thought, phone call or an invite to a night of play.

Usually it will depend upon the mood the submissive when it will start and the dynamic between the Dom and their relationship. Sometimes a person will not start into subspace until they have started play.

Level one is lowest form of subspace that is very subtle. Sometimes a submissive will not realize they have entered into this zone. There have been cases where a submissive said after a short scene that they are not experiencing subspace at all. But when you look into their eyes, they are usually dilated and a personality change can be noticed. Usually they are relaxed similar to someone who has had a drink and swears they are not drunk.

This is the point where the endorphins have been released into the blood system and the pleasure trigger in the sympathetic nervous system created the response. Depending on the level of the scene this can make the level of endorphins be present in the nervous system. A slow build up from pleasure to waking up the skin to mild flogging will introduce the endorphins at a constant level.

To achieve the next level, once the level one is realized, the Dom/ma usually backs off to a milder level for a while will allow the body to reset and get ready for the next level. They keep the rhythm of the scene but at a lower pace.

Level 2

This is the level where the submissive is getting into the groove, enjoying the music if any and becoming more focused on the Dom/me who is creating the environment that will lead to a more intense level of endorphins. It is important for the Dom/me to relax between the sets to help the body recover and prepare for the next shot of endorphins.

For some who have talked bout this level of subspace it is very enjoyable. Usually it is the point where the submissive’s focus is completely on their Dominant. This is a much more intense form of play than level 1 and the body is upping the level of endorphins. The submissive still can hear the background of people talking in the room and any other people playing on the dungeon floor. This is similar to a party where people are having a great time and have had a couple of drinks. Everyone is in a good mood and having a great time.

Usually the submissive’s pain tolerance has increased significantly and more ramping up by the Dom/me will eventually lead to a level where it is becoming increasingly harder for the submissive to take. When this point has been reached then the Dom/me will usually reduce the level of play while keeping the rhythm going through to the next level.

Anyone at this point who is experiencing this level should not be allowed to drive a car or be alone after this play. From this point on after care is extremely important, and who would let someone drive home after a couple of drinks?

Level 3

In this level the play will be much more extreme than the last two levels. There is a point between these levels where the submissive will lose track of the room. The pleasure to pain level must be slowly increased. This is the point where breathing will relax and become much deeper. This is the point where the both of you are focused on each other, and paying attention to the body language of the submissive is very important.

Several submissives who enter this realm often say the room will completely disappear and they can become less responsive. Once the height of this level has been found then the Dom/me will keep the rhythm and allow time to the body to reset. This level is extreme and can last from minutes to hours after play depending upon the person’s ability to regain focus after play.

Alot of people stop at this point for many reasons and it is very important to watch for any signs of shock during aftercare. Sometimes people will have slight tremors or feel drunk, the good part is in most cases it doesn’t last long when coming down for the submissive.

Level 4

These next two levels can be dangerous in several ways and depending on the level of experience it may be a good idea to have an experienced person to be available to help in case there are problems.

In this level the submissive loses contact with the level of pain they are experiencing. Things that would normally be something a submissive will point out might go unnoticed, like the hands losing circulation and fingers going numb, or being in control of their emotions. Alot of times the submissive will need assistance to walk after the scene. If the submissive is standing during this level of play they could lose consciousness and fall to the floor, or become entangled in the wrist cuffs.

There have been submissives who uncontrollably cry after these types of scenes, and their level of pain is so high that huge paddle cracks will seem like nothing. At times, submissives have collapsed and pulled them selves out of the wrist restraints without their realizing it. Damage to the head and broken bones are risks if caution is not used.

However, giving the body a chance to rest and just keeping the scene going will help to bring them gently back to pain level that they can recognize. This is the part where level 4 truly begins. Once the pain and pleasure has been reestablished then proceeding to the next level will be possible.

Level 5

"Danger Will Robinson!" A quote from Lost in Space.

This level is the most extreme and is very dangerous to take anyone. This is called the Fight or Flight Syndrome. At this point the submissive will be completely out of control of what is going on around them. The level of epinephrine’s from the suprarenal glands, as well as a dump of endorphins and encephalins is so extreme that the mind will shut off.

Be warned that the submissive could run into a parking lot naked to get away and become seriously injured. There are only two scenes in this lifestyle over the last 20 years that I witnessed this event and the Dom had to hold his submissive down on the floor with His body to keep her under control until she stopped scratching, clawing and trying to run. She was so high she was screaming "Let me go!" It took her almost 15 minutes to regain enough composure to realize where she was. From that point she was ok, but it is extremely violent.

From experiencing level 4 myself there were a range of emotions that happened during the cooling off period. After-care is extremely important to me.

A couple of hours after the scene I was still experiencing anxiety, crying and the desire to run away. I was lucky to be in the company of several Dommes who understood the emotions that I was experiencing.

Play safe.

8/21/2013 7:36:34 AM



Lessons are learned every day;  sometimes when we don't expect it. Flaws are revealed and weaknesses lead to consequences. i've taken what's been put in my face and swung into self-improvement.  Correction. Refinement.  Less thinking, more reacting. Fewer words, more actions. Lemons will become lemonade, and the pay-off is a cool drink in the end.

9/27/2012 7:39:52 AM

Stand Up for Our Rights as Kinksters and Have Fun!


Hey Folks,


(This may be a little far for some people, but i wanted to get the word out to A/all.)

Here's something W/we all need to know:


The (NLA CFL) National Leather Association Central Florida Chapter of the NLA International is inviting our community to attend a fun-filled day of community spirit.


Phillippe Park, 2525 Phillippe Pkwy, Safety Harbor, FL
Shelter # 9
1 p.m. - 8 p.m.


NLA is an organization that we ALL need to learn about and support.  NLA has a history that is longer and more politically active than almost any other BDSM organization in the World. NLA's goal is to protect our rights as consenting adults.


"When you join our community, know that you are not judged -- that we welcome your input and seek to learn from you as we also strive to teach within a loving and mutually respectful environment."


Any of us that value our individual sexual freedom should appreciate and support their mission. They foster education, awareness, acceptance and unity throughout the "alternative" community. 


Please take a moment to read NLA CFL's mission statement below, and click on the event link at the end to find out about the party. Food, fun, games and comradery: Get involved!


NLA CFL website:


NLA CFL Mission Statement:


"To role model the power and pride of all adults who engage in Safe, Sane and Consensual sexual expression and encourage those who fight for decriminalization of all sexual acts between consenting adults.


To support individual and organized political activism, visibility and education in order to eradicate stereotypical beliefs, misconceptions and media misrepresentation about the Leather/BDSM/Fetish family in the community at large.


To continue providing, through publications, educational material and conferences, a forum for the sharing of knowledge, viewpoints and practices of a diverse network of people.

To promote the success and welfare of individuals, organizations, publications and businesses within our community; especially against threats to their freedom of expression, freedom of the press, rights to free association and right to equal protection under the law.


To welcome women, people of color, transgender, the deaf, the physically challenged and others who have traditionally been discriminated against or poorly represented within the Leather/BDSM/Fetish community.


To attend, promote and support fundraising for deserving defense funds, projects, and clubs, organizations, and/or charities, which have given direct service to the Leather/BDSM/Fetish community."


A note about the party:  To ensure there's enough for everyone, we should each bring our own grillable item and something to share.  It should make for a nice variety and a family pot-luck feel.  Those who know me know that i like to cook, so i'll be sure to have the basics, plus some sides.  Condiments will be provided (mayo, mustard, relish, ketchup, lettuce, tomatoes, onions) along with some salads and desserts.

So far, on the list of contributions, we have chips and dip,  potato salad, deli pasta salad, seafood mac salad, green salad, baked beans, bourbon chicken, barbecued chicken, bratwurst with peppers and onions, cheeseburgers, roasted vegetables, cupcakes and ambrosia.  Please let me know what you'd like to add. "There's always room for Jello." Whether you pick up something at the store or bring your famous picnic specialty, it'll be welcomed to the table.


Some suggestions: fruit salad, watermelon, cookies, raw veggie tray, Mexican dip/salsa, cheese and crackers, corn on the cob, charcoal.  (Note: Unfortunately, there isn't electricity in the shelter, so please don't bring anything that needs to be kept hot in a crock pot.)


ICE and COOLERS with  BEVERAGES are recommended to everyone. There'll be some on hand, but especially if you have a particular beverage you like, you may want to bring a personal stash.


i'm looking forward to a great day of seeing old friends and making new ones. The shelter will be festively decorated, and there'll be music, squirt guns for a "water war", silly party games and prizes, and fun favors to take home. We're all kids at heart, aren't we?   For the more ambitious, there'll be softball, horseshoes and a bean-bag toss.


Come join us!



3/28/2012 9:30:09 AM

Tuesday, March 27, 2012




From my "Friend with Benefits"--


"Slut, when I see you I'm going to bang you like I won you in a poker game."


Oooo.... to the Victor go the spoils....

3/10/2012 12:43:19 PM

Saturday, March 10, 2012


my nipples are so sensitive today. i'm feeling the results of playing with Sir Leon yesterday. It's been awhile since W/we've gotten together and i forgot about what real pain was like. The scene started sensually and slowly, but after awhile, i felt like i had firecrackers going off all over my skin. Leon has some wicked, sting-y toys. i accidentally raised myself up on the kneeler because my back and ass burned, but putting my arms up in the air was a bad idea. That always reminds Him to torment my pterodactyl fat on my arms. (YES, i do have that. i'm OLD.) God, that hurts so much. i squinched my eyes closed hard, focused on my breathing, and tried to take my mind away from it all. It took alot of fortitude. slaves are a lot stronger than some people may think.


Recently, i've had to change out my nipple rings, because i lost the jeweled, hanging charm off of one. The piercing shop didn't have the rings in stock, so i had to settle with bar-bell style keys instead. They actually look pretty cool, and what i soon realized was that without that hanging crystal in the way, my nipples were a lot more vulnerable. The worry about striking them and making the bead fall out was gone, too; the end of each "key" screws on and stays put. Sir Leon took advantage of that and was pinching and teasing my nipples until i was squirming and pressing my forehead into His torso. He seemed delighted, and it was amusing. NOT so amusing when He made me hold my breasts up with my hands so He could take a mean crop to their delicate skin underneath. Grrrr, that was hard.


i progressed through the scene, vacillating between silence and trips around the edges of subspace to outright growling, hissing and swearing. He was happy to demonstrate His newest toys on me, including a very heavy leather flogger. That was like getting hit with a couch.


my dear Ms. Cookie was seated behind U/us and observing, so i'd decided to make "Ms. Cookie" my safe-word. i hardly ever use one, so i thought it would be cute. Sir Leon was relentless on me, only giving me moments to recover in between toys, or enjoying the short repast of having my skin rubbed softly. At one point i did scream out hoarsely, "Cookie!". But, She said "No, no. It's not 'Cookie'. It's 'MS. Cookie'. That wasn't your safe word." i tried so hard to endure and be pleasing. i didn't want to be wimpy or disappointing. i heard Sir Leon speaking to Ms. Cookie and Her offering Him some water. i was relieved and hopeful. It was hot upstairs in the dungeon, so maybe He was getting tired or too warm. Oh please, Jesus, let it be.


i'm the one who ended up getting the water, though. i needed it. i gulped down half a bottle and the scene continued on. i believe it ended when He was very purposefully using a short leather whip with a "tongue" on my back and rear. i'd already felt thuds and shocks all over my body: arms, back, shoulders, feet, calves, thighs, skin was hot, and so was i, literally. i felt that Leon was trying to take me to my limit, and after i was assured that He wasn't disappointed, and i'd started to shed some genuine tears, i finally relented and said, "Ms Cookie!".


Wheww. Sir Leon told me He'd enjoyed playing with me, as He always does, and that i was very good and not a disappointment at all. He did say i needed some toughening up, though, and i agree. i may have to schedule some regular appointments.

After all the "horror", it's funny how Dom/mes and subs can just return to "normal" and go about T/their days. After cleaning up, Sir Leon, Ms. Cookie, Master Michelle and i all went out for a late lunch at a place down the street. Michelle and i were tit-bumping in the parking lot while Leon watched. We had a saucy, attractive waitress, who tried to man-handle Sir Leon because He was the only Man with three women and W/we were all on separate tickets. No big deal, of course, because W/we went out as friends, but i just laughed and said, "If you only KNEW what you were saying and to whom you're saying it. No, no, nooooo... you wouldn't be talking like that.". That started her curiosity, and each time she returned she caught a little wind of what we were about, until i said, "Look, that Man right there just spanked the crap out of my ass about an hour ago." She almost didn't believe it, or the fact that there was a dungeon literally down the street from the restaurant. She whispered to Leon that she was interested in spanking. Omg, that's like telling a cobra you're interested in venom. lol. He did have her blushing when He made the offer. i'll bet she was thinking about it for the rest of the night. We'll have to go back there again. She did mention having a boyfriend, but give us a month and he'll be looking so vanilla that she'll be melting on the floor to be put on a bench.


At the end of the meal, Sir Leon did ask for all of the checks, which delighted Debbie, our waitress. It was unexpected by the rest of us, but so like Him. He's evil, but also funny, a friend and a true Gentleman. Those are the best kinds of Doms. Like walking softly but carrying a big stick. i just love Him, and am so lucky to have Him and the friends i do in the Lifestyle.


i can't wait to see what i'm doing next. i recently spoke to Master Michelle about fisting. Ooo... a fist.... and a woman doing it. How delightfully lesbic. Hee hee! Look out, Ellen.


And, my goodness.... i didn't even finish writing this and got a knock on my door. i'd been planning on going to the Strawberry Festival with Ms. Cookie, but She was sick today and stuck in bed. So, i took a shower and came to my desk for a moment. The knock was my lawn guy, wondering if i needed any "service". Hmmmm..... i've been mighty horny lately. The FWB hasn't been around and i've practically gotten thee to a nunnery. After some chat through the door screen i said "Ok, now get in here and fuck me". He's 37 and has a nice woody. Long enough to make me choke if i'm not careful, and long enough to reach every good nerve inside me. He put me in this odd position which was like modified doggie-style, but with one leg flat, so i was at an angle. Oh my, that felt good. The experience was mutually satisfying. me cumming got him cumming, then all was right with the world again. my yard is going to look fantastic soon!


That being done, NOW i can't wait for my next adventure..... The timer starts....A Saturday night is upon me.

3/9/2012 7:57:56 AM



Friday, March 9, 2012


After quite awhile, today i'm going to scene with Sir Leon again. The last time W/we played was at the Phoenix Club Christmas party. my ass has gotten mighty wimpy since then. i've been coasting along doing light play or topping as of late. i'm going to get a rude awakening. my insides are already churning, and Miss Cookie is taunting me right now in Yahoo IM building my fear up.


Wahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Why do i do these things? i have a date with SATAN today, and it aint gonna be pretty.


Lord, help me. Somebody hold me!




3/6/2012 12:59:15 PM

Monday, March 5, 2012,


Last week life got back to normal. Thank Y/you to all for the condolences. Things are o.k. now. my brothers and sister-in-law returned back up north. We'll have a memorial service for my mom in Connecticut in the early summer,  because she wants to have her ashes spread over the ocean.  We are at peace knowing that she led a long life and joined our father on Valentine's Day.


i got back into the Man Pool last Monday by agreeing to have lunch with a vanilla man from Adult Friend Finder. i really don't date that often, but he was nice and continued to be interested in meeting me even after i "warned" him i was no nice little church-lady. We agreed to meet at Chili's at 12:30. He was there when i arrived, was dressed nicely, and conducted himself as a gentleman. He enjoyed my tales of adventure and said he found me to be "fascinating". i was thrilled when he picked up the check. He's a little past my preferred age-range, but he's still hurting over his divorce two years ago and probably could use some female attention. If he wants to see me again i'd throw him a bone.


Tuesday night i met a "Dom" from New Jersey that was in Tampa on business. He talked up a good, hot storm on the phone, and got me very excited about an evening full of a variety of play. He picked me up and  took me out to Ichiban in Tampa for sushi, and ordered things i'd not normally select for myself.  He's much more of an expert in that area than i am. i enjoyed that He took the lead and guided me, and i enjoyed the food. Although, i did feel that having mackerel for dessert was a little odd. 


i'd brought a load of toys at His request, and laid them all out on the spare bed, but as the evening passed, i realized that He was much more of a touchy, sensual player than He'd made Himself out to be. i had no sense of "fear"; it was more of  a "ok, when are Ya gonna tie me up and make me scream?" type of feeling.  i think He portrayed "evil" just to get my juices flowing on the phone. my heart was missing the rapid beat of anticipation.


He tied up my tits, but the uneveness of the rope in the end showed great inexperience.  It was amateur at best, but i smiled and was thankful.  He was intent on shaving me, and i was fine with that, but told me i could just lay down on the bed. i reminded Him that He promised to tie me up, so He took some rope and wrapped it behind my left knee, pulled my leg back, and had no other place to secure it but to wrap it around the nightstand. (Hotels suck for playing most of the time.) i had to shift over from the center of the bed to the left to allow for the length of rope. Then He took the other rope and wrapped it under my right leg and pulled it back, but didn't have enough length to get it around the opposite nightstand, so instead stuffed it behind the wall-mounted headboard. It was awkward, and i knew i could easily free myself. i was a bit let down. After He tied me up it occurred to Him that He should put a pillow under my ass to raise my groin, and that was very difficult in my present position. It did not seem that anything was thought out very well. i'd brought gags, blindfolds, plugs, clamps, paddles and sex toys that were just a waste to carry. They went unused.


However, i give the Guy points for trying, for being polite and clean, and for taking me out for an evening and treating me like a woman should be treated.  Other than my date the day before, it'd be hard to remember the last time a man picked me up and took me on an actual date where i wasn't pulling out my VISA card in the end. It was refreshing, so i took what i could out of each of the experiences and am content with that. i've decided i'm not going to be so free to accommodate men's fantasies when i'm getting no more out of it than MAYBE marks afterwards.  From now on, i'll expect a bit more. i'm independent, self-employed, and not a gold-digger, but for Pete's sakes Guys, buy a girl a sandwich, could ya? Look what i'm giving to You.


It's the start of another week, and my thought is "Where have all the good Doms gone?"  i crave evil, fear, pain, control and power. Lately i've been coasting through my slave life on a powder puff.


Thank GOD for my friend "Paddler", whom i see on occasion due to distance, and for Sir Leon; one evil Mo' Fo!  Now those guys can make me cry. i'm trying to orchestrate some time with Sir Leon this week, and i already feel a sniffle coming on.




2/16/2012 8:04:38 AM



my mother died on Valentine's Day. i got quite a few well-wishes for VDay from guys on here, and i appreciate them, but it turned out to be a non-holiday, and a sad, unexpected one at that. i didn't have a "boyfriend" anyway. Just guys i fuck.  *sighhhhhh* When is "Slut's Day"? i'm a bit disappointed that all the people to whom i've been "good" forget about me when it's time for "loving". Pffffffffft.


Someday, this whore's gonna charge Ya.

8/24/2011 10:35:35 AM



"Wicked Wednesday" is tonight and  i already have a beating coming to me.  It's with a sadistic Dom, and it's going to hurt. i still have a  bruise on my stomach from last Wednesday's scene. It never ends. i must be highly spankable. Big ass = Lots to Punish. Oh my.

8/22/2011 8:25:50 PM

my time with Daddy from Dallas, on a trip to Albuquerque, was very fun. my best friend came along with me, and we both gave a Man a very happy birthday. Gambling in the casino was a hoot--BINGO SUCKS!, but W/we laughed alot. Daddy was very generous and attentive to our having a good time. He kissed me often, and held my hand when W/we walked. He took us to nice restaurants for steak and Italian food, and played with both of us in bed at night. Daddy and i had some private time to play in the room, while my friend went down to the bar. He was very commanding.  He blindfolded me, flogged me and cut my thigh highs off with a knife, while making me say over and over whose little girl i was. "Yours, Daddy!" He then proceeded to torture my girlie parts with a rough dildo. i will always remember it. It was intense.


But, reality looms, and distance makes anything continuous hard. i'm far from Him, and must keep up with my own local BDSM life. i can't be idle for too long. i'm enjoying myself at "Wicked Wednesdays", a fetish/play party every week, right up the street from my house. It's perfect. i help out by bringing food, and other people contribute with their own dishes or snacks.  It's FREE, too. Can't beat that with a stick (but You can beat my butt with one *smiles* ) i also go to the Tampa Bay Phoenix Club dungeon, and occasional events in Lutz and Ybor City. i try to stay active.


i'm tired of the b.s. of trying to find a "match", so i'm not looking for Anyone now. i'm content to play at the parties and remain independent. It's a lot less stress.








4/21/2011 7:53:01 AM




For those who wrote me worrying about the change in my profile, be assured. All is well. i talk to "Daddy" every day, He's a legitimate member of the Community and i now have talked to two subs that know Him. One is from Maryland who's known and played with Him for five years. Another is a forever-member of the Lifestyle and is the sister of a prominent member of O/our local Florida community. i spoke to her on the phone when she was with Him on Monday. i'm sure she can smell b.s. a mile away. Soooo, all is fine. i anxiously await my trip in three weeks. Cross Y/your fingers.

4/21/2011 7:52:04 AM

My Dallas Daddy


i'm so happy right now. i've met a Daddy online that seems to be the real deal. After so much fucking around online and getting nowhere, i think i've met Someone who is true. He likes my pictures and what i've said, and wants to fly me to New Mexico to spend time at a resort and be His little girl. Skeptics comment, as i would be skeptical, but as of today i have a confirmation in my emails from Delta airlines. It's really happening. He bought me a ticket and it's confirmed. i am going to Albuquerque on May 17th. It's real now. Have i been so lucky? i'm scared to think so, but i must believe. i won't let my jaded-ness keep me from recognizing a real probability. Right now, i do believe. i do believe.



12/8/2010 6:44:42 AM

Free to Good Home

Offered by the A.S.P.C.A.--Available Slave Pet Collaring Agency


Recently rounded up in a Pasco County slave sweep. Older pet, but has puppy energy. 2007 slave model. Slightly used. Some visible wear. Blonde hair, green eyes. Large build, but nicely packaged for a big girl. Puts effort into presentation. Shows signs of mistrust, but has potential to flourish with proper guidance.


Desirable Features:

~Genuine and sincere Lifestyle slave

~Responds well to commands

~Eager to learn proper behavior

~Highly motivated

~Extremely skilled in oral service

~Very humble under a genuine Dom

~Craves control

~Crawls willingly

~Loves being collared and leashed



~Very witty and entertaining

~Cooks well. Enjoys feeding Others.

~Responds well to objectification and humiliation

~Very playful

~Exhibits obedience and submissiveness openly

~Highly sociable. Enjoys public play

~Very fond of fetish wear, lingerie and sexy shoes. Large assortment included.

~Performs well when being shared

~Possesses extensive toy collection and arsenal

~Self-supporting and independent

~Enjoys pain and fear when properly nurtured

~Geisha qualities. A true servant, gracious hostess and care-giver

~Formerly owned. Previously domesticated.

~Easily customizable

~Very few hard limits

~Passed 2010 safety inspection


Undesirable Characteristics Include:



~wariness and trust issues


~scowling behind her Master's back


~excessive disciplinary requirements

~resists orgasm control and masturbates without permission

~dislikes being naked

~may verbally provoke a Dom during play, unless gagged

~tendencies to wander when un-stimulated or un-caged

~excessive sex drive

~very vocally responsive

~will resist a weak Dom and top from the bottom

~tendency to sometimes pee when cumming

~dislike of CNN, Fox News, MSNBC

~tendency to whine loudly during anal sex


WARNING: This pet has gone feral in the wild, and may bite under duress. May require strong re-training at the hands of a skilled Master. Not appropriate for a novice. Requires a clearly-established, highly-structured environment with hands-on conditioning. Will bore easily and needs supervision. May become non-responsive and recalcitrant when left idle.


The A.S.P.C.A. encourages interested Owners to Pre-Qualify. To avoid wasting the Agency's and Your time, please review the following before inquiring:


~pet is a large one. Ranks 7 on St. Bernard scale. Must have a strong, well-built Handler.

~pet will not submit to ownership or obedience to a younger Master. Age 45 and up preferred.

~pet is 5' 5" when allowed to stand. Often wears 7" platform heels. Highly prefers a taller, larger Dominant.

~SINGLE Males only. No married men, players or collectors need apply.

~Must be intelligent and well-established in a career. Sense of humor a plus.

~Must be LOCAL.

~Experience in genuine BDSM Lifestyle a MUST. Ability to live and interact in such a manner needed. Must enjoy socialization in BDSM Community events. Need for excessive discretion is undesirable.

~One slave/One Master. slave pet will not be adopted by Anyone seeking "poly". If this slave is not servile, engaging, sexual and enjoyable enough to please One on her own, He will not qualify. slave is amenable to Owner enjoying others as treats in a "party setting", but will absolutely not consider sharing her Owner with other slaves.

~NO SWITCHES. slave requires an absolute, hetero Dominant. A Dom's Dom.

~Having a Harley is a bonus.

~slave is attracted to evil imaginations. Sane Sadists will enjoy her reactions.

~slave requires attention, feedback and training. Interested Owners without enough time, without freedom from constraints, or having too much baggage need not apply.

~slave will not play with, or be owned by, Anyone Who drinks in excess.


SUMMARY: Owner Candidate must desire and have the ability to train a servile, humble and loving pet who enjoys crawling, kneeling, serving and being caged and bound. He must have a strong desire to apply bondage and constraints. He must desire a slave who requires discipline to keep her mind focused. He must enjoy being waited on and serviced, privately and publicly. He must enjoy playing, and be well-versed in a variety of methods. He must be creative and motivated to enjoy this girl thoroughly. He must be highly sexual and prepared to use an owned whore properly.


NOTE: This pet has gone feral due to time spent with an unsuitable Owner. she has little tolerance for fools, liars and game-players. her puppy nose smells bullshit a mile away.  she is fully prepared to run away when disappointed or disillusioned. she will vehemently resist collaring. Only genuine Masters with very heavy chains should consider thoughts of caging this one again.





5/22/2010 1:19:49 PM

Saturday, May 8, 2010

"Lu-OW!!" A Dungeon in Paradise

Yesterday, i realized that it was May 7, which made it my two-year "Freedom Anniversary". Two years ago i left my lying "Master" for breaching my trust, and voiding O/our contracts. i was saddened, disillusioned and disappointed at first; it was like losing a job and suddenly having nothing to do. But, after throwing a few men in between me and Him, and keeping my face out on the scene at the munches and parties, i got over it. What a great time it's been since then! i've met so many new people, and lovers *weg*, scened with many different Doms, and a few subs thrown in for garnish, and have become very involved in The Tampa Bay Phoenix Club.

Which brings me to the first annual Phoenix Club "Lu-OW!". Awhile ago, the administrative Committee had decided to have a luau as part of O/our frequent theme parties. i'm a big online-shopper, as well as a natural "hostess"-type, so i offered my help in getting the decorations and food. my offer of help turned into "have at it!" and the project became my "baby". For weeks i searched websites, gathered recipes and threw crepe paper, leis and paper pineapples into a virtual shopping cart. i did the food shopping and started cooking on Thursday. i'd sent the Club's marketing director a list of what i was making, which appeared on O/our group page, and His reply was enthusiastic, but seemed concerned that i was making so much. i had some inner fear that i was being foolish and just too over-the-top (that's the Italian in me), but i wheeled around Walmart with a menu and list of ingredients.

kahlua pork

macadamia nut-crusted chicken fingers with mango chipotle salsa

teriyaki shrimp wrapped in bacon, water chestnuts and pea pods

Hawaiian macaroni salad

Hawaiian coconut spread with brown bread

Hawaiian barbecued ribs

Ambrosia salad

Hawaiian ham-cherry-pineapple "skewers"

Oriental meatballs (being donated by another member)

Cheese and crackers

Coconut cake

Pina Colada cheesecake

Hawaiian lemonade

i got home after 11 on Thursday, and began slow-cooking the pork after midnight. That's a slave for ya. At about 3 a.m. i remember sitting in front of the t.v. threading pineapple chunks onto fancy toothpicks, followed by the very tedious task of putting the shrimp together so they could marinate for a day. (That was a real bitch. Slippery as hell).

Friday morning i woke up early to the smell of something "mighty damn good" in my oven. i worked (at home) on Friday, baking the cheesecake, making the ribs and doing whatever i could do ahead-of-time, in between answering customer phone calls. Friday night, i stayed home to make macaroni salad and prepare.

Saturday morning involved frying up the macadamia-nut chicken, which i HAD to taste, and omg... wow.. that's good. i felt guilty for eating two pieces, but one just was not enough. i broiled up my shrimp and started packing up the food. It took an entire cooler and several bags, plus a few crock pots.

i ran into some personal "disasters" before i was ready to leave. i knew i had to go to Sam's Club, so i decided to go online to look at my checking account beforehand. They don't take credit cards; only cash and debit cards, so i just felt i should look at my funds beforehand. i was shocked to find that my brother had cashed a check i'd sent him, dated for May 15, early. my checking account was overdrawn, big-time, which is something i never let happen. i had to call Bank of America and had a fit in finding out that "post-dating" means nothing. If the check's given to the bank, it gets cashed. So, be forewarned if Y/y'all didn't know that. i was very upset by this discovery, but still had responsibilities to Phoenix. For one thing, i'd personally promised joyce i'd get this huge coconut cake they sold at Sam's.

my only option to get that cake was to use cash. i stopped at the ATM and took out $40. my savings were pretty lean this month because April had been a slow sales month and i live off of commissions. Things were tight until the next payment came in. i got to Sam's Club, already in an elevated state of anxiety, and in the car, searched my wallet for my membership card. It wasn't in there. WTF?! That card is always in my wallet, and i had no idea what had happened to it.

It was close to 5:00, and i had to be at the Club by 6, which was about a 50-minute ride. Now, i'm even more anxious. i had to go to the Customer Service Center for a new card, and wait in line. Of course, i was behind two elderly women, one of whom didn't seem to understand what the woman behind the desk was saying. Oh Lord! Step aside, Ma'am, please! i maintained my composure and waited for my turn. i got up to the desk, and explained that i'd lost my card, and that i needed a new one. The woman looked up my account and said, "It expired in January".

"You've GOT to be kidding me". Grrrrrr!!! All i had on me that was "spendable" in Sam's Club was cash. And all i needed in that store was that ONE thing. But the re-newal was $30 and i wasn't investing 75% of my assets on a membership alone. i sighed with angst and told the woman i'd just go to Sweet Bay.

Heading towards Sweet Bay, i got an idea to try Dunkin Donuts. i rationalized that although i had to show up without that cake, i could at least supplement with coconut donuts. i'd buy every one they had. i pulled sharply into the D D driveway and decided that the drive-thru would take too long. i flew through the door and asked the counter-lady if they had coconut donuts. They had NONE. Geeeezzzzzus!

i turned heel and left without another word, but i'm sure she wondered why i had such a fixation for coconut.

my mind raced. i sped towards the Club, doing about 60 mph in 35 zones. i passed a Publix supermarket and decided to make one more last-ditch effort. i did a U-turn and parked as close to the front of the store as i could, power-walking to get inside. i headed straight for the store bakery, but after frantically scanning the pre-made selections, there wasn't one single cake with coconut on it. i did grab a pineapple upside-down cake as emergency back-up, and asked a bakery employee for help. The best she could offer was a Key Lime pie. "No... it needs to be Hawaiian", i said. "That's 'Florida' ". i asked her to check in the back to see if there was anything else, but while i was waiting, and time was ticking, i had an "epiphany"--"Pepperidge Farm". i remembered the frozen coconut cake that my mom loved so much. i left the bakery area and asked the first store employee i saw where the frozen foods were. He pointed towards the distant horizon and said, "Way at the end of the store". i rolled my eyes as in "of course it's allllll the way down there". He noticed that, and asked if there was something i needed. i quickly told him about the coconut cake, and he volunteered to go get one for me. "Yes, thank you. i'll meet you at the register!" was my grateful reply. About a minute later, he returned with two of the cakes. "They were 'buy one, get one free, so I got you two", he explained. i looked at him and told him he was the best thing that had happened to me all day.

i raced to get to Phoenix now, and was running late. Here i was in charge of the event, with all the stuff W/we needed in my car, and i knew people would be waiting on me. i sped as fast as i could and got there at about 6:10. Sir Perry "chided" me when i arrived, but then i spurted out something about having a stress melt-down at the moment, and what i'd been through today, and being sorry. As is His style, He opened His arms and gently said, "Come here", and as i put my forehead against His chest and listened to His soothing, i began to feel better. i was, however, cursing myself about forgetting a beautiful ice-ring i'd made, with tropical fruits, for the lemonade. It was still in my freezer in the garage. Sir Perry assured me that "noone will know unless you tell them".


Some of the other members of Phoenix had volunteered to help with food and decorating. i'd gladly accepted their offers, especially in the decorating department. i'd bought a ton of stuff online and needed helpers to put it up. erin, serena and their Sir Martell were bringing meatballs, and hula hoops, (which i'd thought of at the last minute and requested through a group bulletin) and coming early. Sir Perry would be there, of course, and Rob and joyce. "darkcat" showed up with flower hair clips she'd hand-made for the ladies, and remy baked cookies and brought more hula hoops. E/everyone pulled together to prepare and change O/our Club into a "dungeon in Paradise". i'm so glad Sir Martell is tall, because He was invaluable in hanging streamers without needing a ladder. It was a group effort, but after the grass table skirt was attached, the table was decorated and covered in food, streamers and flower garlands were hung, the inflatable parrot and palm tree were blown-up, and Hawaiian cut-outs like fish, pineapples, pigs wearing grass skirts, hula girls, and ukuleles were hung, things really started to come together. Rattan fans, Hawaiian tattoos, flip-flop notepads, palm tree pens, tiny bubbles and tropical confetti was dispersed over all the tables, and the candles were lit. erin was ready with the beach music, as our deejay and Emcee for the night. Sir Martell had even brought a cordless microphone to make the contest easier. joyce sat prepared at the front desk, piled high with leis and hair clips. Sir Rob wandered around, losing strand by strand of His apparently poorly-constructed skirt. It looked like W/we had goats. i mixed together the lemonade in a big bowl, then changed into my bathing suit and grass skirt, and adorned myself with flowers. i was feeling pretty festive, and relieved, by now. Wheww.

my fears about people not showing up, or having too much food, were completely unfounded. Shortly after 8 p.m., people started arriving, and arriving... and arriving. erin had really put effort into promoting the event to her contacts, along with the Club's group page posting updates. i was outside, in my glory, welcoming arrivals with a hearty "Alohhhaaa!". Guests were then promptly "leid". i was thrilled to see new folks coming in for T/their first visit. One woman told me she'd read my note to Rob about the macadamia nut-chicken and the pina colada cheesecake and decided to come just because of that. Later, she told me, it was "off the hook". *smiles*

People got into the spirit of the party quickly. erin was playing great music, and i observed quite a few swaying, grass-covered butts at the buffet table. When you're a cook, and you plan a party, the biggest reward is in seeing people happily eating. serena actively took part in encouraging people to use the Hawaiian tattoos. (i'd even gotten some kitchen sponges and cut them in half so people could apply the tatts.) i'd also found a chart online of how to convert your name to Hawaiian (they have fewer letters than the English). Sir Perry became "Pelli", i was "wenki", remy became "leme" ('lay-me'--that was too funny) and erin went all the way and decided her name was "Kumoniwannaflogging". It was silly fun. Ms. Terry, my favorite Mistress, covered Her sub in fish tattoos, and later, before T/they left, he moaned, "Missstressssss, i can't go anywhere covered in fishies". he is just too cute!

i had a date with "Paddler" for the evening. He was one of the M/many that had traveled a distance to be there. erin had contacted the Sarasota Group, and by later in the evening, the Club was so full that W/we had to steal the extra table and chairs out of the lobby to accommodate guests. i also heard that another event in Tampa that night that was "dead". Looks like W/we'd been THE place to be that day.

The hula hoop contest was priceless. erin quickly observed that very few, if any, of U/us had any type of hula hoop skills. So, merit was given based on personal "style". i rode my ring between my legs and had hula hoop sex. Ms. Terry's boy was one of the winners, along with another man i couldn't see due to the crowd. The prize for each was a jar of dark chocolate-covered macadamia nuts. After the contest and mingling, people began to play on the "amenities".

i made sure that my Date had food, along with another dear friend, "R.T." They both sat at my table, and in between hostess duties and fucking a hula hoop, i made sure They were well-attended.

i saw another Dom that i've played with frequently, but i was unavailable that evening, out of respect for my Escort. Ironically, "when it rains, it pours", because a new Dom to the Club also asked me to play, but again, i had to take a rain-check. Sometimes i'll play with a few different Doms, or be double-teamed, but my particular Date that night would not have appreciated my attention being divided. Being a good, well-mannered slave is my first priority.

my scene with Him went well-enough, although i must admit i was feeling a bit "wimpy". After i was "de-flowered" and pretty naked on the table, i braced myself for impact, and impact is what i indeed felt. Each strike of the paddle, or single tail, or dragon's tail, had me wiggling hard and yelping, moaning or taking deep breaths. i HATE when i'm like that, because i pride myself in never giving up and taking what i'm given. i fear being boring to a Dom, or not being accommodating. i like to hang with the Big Dogs. Paddler seemed amply satisfied with me, though, and assured me that He'd never once had to call me "wimpy". He did see that my reactions early-on showed that my tolerance was low, so He did what any astute Top would do, and switched to another activity. He took two thin plastic rods and used something (i couldn't really see) to tap rapidly on them as they were partially inserted in me. The tapping motion was like a vibrator, but the tips of the rods pressing into my flesh also reminded me that i wasn't at a carnival. It was a little uncomfortable, but my pussy didn't complain too much. He made me cum on the table. my gratitude was shown later. *weg*

After playing, Paddler and i sat together; Him using a spanking bench as a seat, and me on the floor at His feet, and watched the O/others. Happy people kept coming up to me and expressing how much they were enjoying T/themselves. i was swollen inside with pride and fulfillment. i loved seeing everyone playing, laughing, eating and socializing. i wish A/anyone reading this could have been there to see serena suspended upside down, by one leg, and spun like a top. It was gorgeous, and so is she. It was like watching a figure skater upside down.

By evening's end, the food was ravaged by vultures and W/we even had to send out for four pizzas. So much for worrying that i'd made excess! i brought home NO left-overs this time. It was like Oskar Schindler looking at his ring... "i could have fed two more.... if only... i could have fed two more".

The second Saturday night of the month is usually a lack-luster night for the Club, because it competes with other events. But, unbelievably, due to team effort and planning, W/we broke O/our previous attendance record of 43, and had 51 there, not including the staff. A new record on a normally slow night! i'm so proud to have participated in it. i know the "Lu-OW!" was just a kick-off to a great summer of parties to come. W/we've set the bar now, and have to keep raising it. Now if only "limbo" worked that way, i'd maybe have a chance!

4/6/2010 4:57:23 PM
Saturday, April 3, 2010

Jurassic slave

After feeling down for awhile, and getting apathetic, i finally got myself back to the gym this past Wednesday. i hadn't been there since February, and was ready to throw in the towel, but i still had paid sessions with a personal trainer and wasn't going to take the loss.

Maybe i should have.

Lord! Last night, my trainer boy had me working with weights, doing upper body work. That didn't seem too bad at the time. He also had me doing squats, and bending over at the waist and lifting a 40 lb. barbell up and down. i told him that i felt a twinge in the very lower left side of my back, but i kept up until i finished.

About an hour after i got home, the pain started, all over my body. Not the fun kind, either. i had to make some food for the Phoenix Club party, and besides making macaroni salad, deviled eggs and dyed eggs, i had to frost and decorate a cake. It was agony! i could barely walk on Friday night, and today was no better. i couldn't straighten my arms without pain, after doing those bicep curls. my legs and back hurt, too, so i was walking funny, as well. i had these short little arms and this wide gait and looked like a raptor from Jurassic Park. Picture it!  i couldn't stand up long enough to frost the cake at the counter, so i had to sit on a dining chair and put the cake on another one in front of me. It took forever. i am so sore.

Getting dressed and loading the car seemed like a century, and i left later than i'd planned. i did have a good time at the Club, though, and actually have an amusing story titled "Dom-inos" that i'll have to continue with later.  i'm writing this entry on Tuesday, and don't have much time, but wanted to report that i'm still trying, and dying, at the gym.  The pain is gone today, and i'm about to get ready for an unexpected windfall of a night with my FWB. Yay!!!!!! Hours and hours of unbridled sex, and more in the morning. Hallelujah!  Thank God i can move again. But, gym-time comes around on Wednesday, so i may be fossilized by Thursday. As i've asked in the past.... pray for me, People. But tonight, i'll be the one screaming "oh God". *weg* Kisses to A/all.

2/23/2010 12:14:32 PM

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

It's been ages since i sat down and focused on my journal. i get into a groove for awhile and keep it up, then i end up becoming lax. But i do like writing it, and it's very gratifying when people actually read it and send me notes. Sincere "thank Y/yous" to Y/you.

Today, months after i started it, i've finished updating my entry from November 11, 2009. It was Veteran's Day, so i wanted to put up a posting for O/our vets, but i'd never taken the time to complete the story of that evening. i went to see my beloved "Master Satan" at a medical clinic. To A/anyone that cares to read it, scroll down to the "Continuation" in that previous entry.

Starting to write the next one now... where to begin, where to begin.....

11/21/2009 9:39:36 AM
Saturday, November 21, 2009

i'm a little sore from the gym on Thursday, and i'm in a time-crunch, because i'm heading out to the W. Pasco munch in about an hour. There's going to be a discussion about "Mind Fucks". It should be interesting. i really don't have alot of spare time today, because i'm going to a BBW Swingers' dance with my FWB guy tonight, and have to pack my bag and head to Tampa after the munch. W/we'll get a room at the hotel across the street from the Club, and i'm sure there'll be plenty of "boinking".

i'll probably be trashed by tomorrow; maybe walking a little funny. Unfortunately, i have to do my Thanksgiving shopping on Sunday. *sigh* It's times like this that i wish i had my own slave!

Oh well, at least i'll be the naughtiest-looking woman in Winn Dixie. *weg*

Have a great weekend, A/all.

11/16/2009 2:26:40 PM
Monday, November 16, 2009

5:23 p.m.

Just a quick entry here, for now. i'm getting ready to go to the gym in a few minutes. i have an appointment with a 25 year-old, buff personal trainer at 6:00. i'm NOT looking forward to it. i'll probably be crying by 6:30.  

Tears are only fun when you can wipe them off with a Dom's dick.

11/11/2009 12:56:49 PM

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Wishing all Y/you vets out there a happy day. Thank Y/you and bless Y/you for Y/your bravery. Today i think about my dad, who never came home from Viet Nam, and left a widow with three children behind.

But, i cannot dwell on that sadness now; or think about my father watching me from "above". Oh God, perish the thought, because i'm feeling naughty, naughty, naughty.

And, joyful, actually! my son's father returned to Connecticut on Monday, and although it was a nice visit, and i felt bad that he had to leave, i knew that my life had to return to "normal" again. i was supposed to see my beloved Master "Satan" last Wednesday, but since i had my guest arriving that day, i had to postpone O/our playtime. He called me last night, and unfortunately got my voicemail, to tell me how much He missed me and needed to hear my voice. Aint that nice? *smiles* Good;  i'm glad He misses me! A Master should crave His slave. He IMed me this morning from His desk at home, and i was thrilled. W/we've made plans to meet tonight at a medical clinic where He's working. He's covering the job for one of His employees that's out sick. i visited Him at this place once before, and W/we were mighty bad in the doctor's office, and later He had me on "the table". All i can say about that is, "Thank God they don't make spiked speculums."

i have to go to the nail salon to get purtied up first, then head over to the gym. i so much want to skip working out, and use my "date" as an excuse, but i know i'll feel so much better if i at least do 5 miles on that exercise bike. my butt will feel harder, and Satan will be proud of me. i like that. 

Right now i'm sitting on a towel with just a shirt on, because in my excitement, i shaved the "nether regions" too fast, with a new razor, and cut myself. Stupid girl. i hope i don't have razor burn too badly. That may hurt later.

i'm about to get dressed to head out on my "errands" before i drive to the clinic. i have to pack a bag and change at the gym, after i shower again. That will be a little tricky, because it occurred to me that tonight would be a good time to wear my vinyl nurse's outfit. It's been sitting in my drawer, waiting for an occasion. This seems like a perfect one.

i'll be walking into the gym looking like a fat reject in a ponytail, a man's t-shirt and leggings, and leaving looking like a trampy nurse heading off to meet "Dr. Evil." i can cover my dress with a cape, but my nurse's platform shoes will still show. Oh well, if they don't know i'm the kinkiest chick at "Choice Fitness" by now, they sure will later.

Master said something earlier about making me kneel on the ground and suck His dick, so i guess i'm going to be the "Head Nurse" tonight. i'm sure He'll be deeeeeeeeelighted. *grins*  i'll be good.

Now don't You wish You could just call 911 and get a blonde nurse delivering a blowjob? *giggles* 

Wednesday, November 11, 2009... Continuation

"Nurse goes looking for a job....Turns out it was a blow job"

When i last left off here, i was hustling around trying to get my errands done, and get to the gym, before i went to the medical clinic to see my beloved Master "Satan". i had planned on changing my workout-hag outfit into something appropriately sexy at the gym, and leaving from there, but that didn't work out. my incoming work calls kept me on the phone longer than i'd wanted, and the nail salon took longer than i'd thought it would, and then i had to make a stop at Advanced Auto to get new windshield wipers put on my car. By then, i knew i'd have no time to get to the gym and meet Satan's deadline. So, although i'd wanted to feel fit n' fabulous after doing time on the exercise bike before i saw Him, i had to return home and just get dressed and go.

i'd decided on my yet-unworn, white vinyl nurse's outfit. Beneath it, i put on a red garter belt, with a red bra and "boy shorts" set. The bra was pretty, trimmed in a delicate ruffle along the top edge (makes the boobs look bigger, too), and accented with small rhinestone studs. The panties were cute, more comfortable than a thong, and had sexy cut-outs on the sides. i hitched some tan thigh-highs to the garter straps, and put on a pair of "stripper-nurse"-style, white, platform mary jane heels, with a red circle around a white cross decorating them. i pulled my hair into a ponytail and fastened the matching nurse's cap on with bobbie pins. i looked in the mirror, thanked Jesus that the outfit fit me, and felt sufficiently adorable.

my stomach fluttered as i drove there. i had to call Master when i got close, because i wanted Him to know i was almost there. He was waiting for me. i asked if He were mad, but He's always very soothing and patient when i call Him. He said that He's never mad at me, and i reminded Him about one time where i'd done something He'd told me not to, and He'd said punishment was coming. The punishment was something vile, that would repulse me to no end, and it still hangs in the air. When He mockingly threatened me on the phone with it i said, "Ohhh no, i'll turn this car around right now!" W/we laughed, and at the same time, i knew that if it came down to being serious, i'd willingly accept His correction, no matter how terrible it was. It's times like those that i'm relieved that Master can be forgiving.

i reached the clinic soon afterwards. i hadn't told Master how i was dressed, and when i go there He was outside waiting for me. i got out of the car and stood up with my hands in the air to show off my attire. "You like?". He smiled broadly, and immediately assumed a role-play. As i got near Him, He said, "I've been interviewing nurses all day, but I have time for just one more."

"Oh? i hope i'm not late", i said.

"you're never late", was His response, as His two fingers hooked into the cleavage of my outfit and pulled me forward, in through the back door.

"This is our break room", He said, as He closed the door and then led me through that area and down the hallway. my legs began to get weak as He pulled me forward into a different room than W/we'd been in last time. Instead of the gyno table that was in the other room, this one had a long flat bench-style table, covered in the traditional white paper strip.

"...And this is one of our exam rooms".

"i see", i replied in a small voice, as i faced the table and put my hands on it. i inwardly quivered, realizing i'd reached Ground Zero. No more driving, no more walking, no more anticipation. i was here.

Instinctively, i bent my elbows and lowered my shoulders so i was "assuming the position". His hands were on me immediately, and i felt Him rubbing the vinyl covering my hips, then raising my skirt. He saw my underclothes and said, "Mmm... I do like this outfit".

He spoke to me about needing to know how much i wanted this job, and about how they do things around here, as His strong, heavy hand rubbed the smooth fabric of my panties.

A moment later i felt a sharp slap on my right ass cheek. i wiggled slightly and grunted, and immediately felt the same impact on the left side. Master is a hard spanker, and continued on my rear, increasing the impact. i took each blow like a good girl should, whimpering and trying not to wiggle. At times i gasped, and my hands moved on the table, crunching the paper. my ass became hotter as His relentless spanks continued, and i could feel drops of moisture building on my delicate areas, as my body and conditioned mind responded to the pain. i pressed one hand against the wall in front of me, and thought momentarily about my invisible hand print being there when other people were using this room. "If they only knew".

Master's spanks did not let up, and as i gasped, yelped, whined and contorted. i could hear my heels shifting on the floor. i started to get that familiar feeling building between my legs and i knew His pain was going to make me cum. Fortunately, this lucky slave's Master doesn't deny her orgasms, but instead encourages them when He sees her approaching climax. my noises became more primal, then i stopped breathing, and was silent when i felt its first effects. my hands crunched and tore at the paper as i was enveloped in a dizzying swirl. my knees went weak and i heard my shoes scrape the floor, going sideways, as He held onto me and pressed hard against me. "Ohhhh Masterrr!"

He was not finished with my "interview". In the fog of orgasm, retrospect is sometimes blurry. i don't know exactly when His hands became His belt, but the spanking became a whipping. i wiggled and wailed with each strike.

His excitement grew, as well as His cock. Suddenly, He grabbed the back of my head by my hair and was in front of me, shoving His cock roughly down my throat. i struggled to maintain and keep my mouth around it. Drool ran down my chin. He face-fucked me while telling me things like "Show Me how much you want this job. Come on. Suck Your Master's cock. That's My whore. Show Me!" The exertion of receiving His cock, and the lack of breath, made me wet my panties. i took one moment to say "i peed myself". His response was, "Good". He didn't give me respite. He'd put one foot up on the table and was deep in my throat when i felt His cock pulsate and pump cum onto my tonsils.

i was relieved that i'd satisfied Him, but He wasn't done playing with me yet. He motioned for me to climb onto the table. He slid my panties down below my ass and left them there. For some reason, that gesture is more humbling to me than having a naked ass. It seems more "violating". i felt it.

i was on all-fours like a dog at the vet, on the table with my ass exposed, when i heard Him behind me slipping on a latex glove. He put His hand between my legs and roughly coated my pussy with a gel lube. His fingers went up inside of me, and brushed over my clit, and i moaned with pleasure. He fingered me hard, and shoved His thumb up my ass. i felt like a bowling ball, being double-filled like that. i was close to cumming on His hand, but then He stopped, and i felt Him re-apply more gel.

A moment later, my pussy began to feel warmer, then warmer, then pretty darn hot. i thought for a moment that i was feeling razor burn from shaving too quickly earlier, but the intensity rose beyond what that would have been. "Oh Master, my pussy is burning!" i began to bounce on the table, still on all fours, bucking my ass wildly. "Master! Why is my pussy so hot?! Massssterrrr!"

He watched me, amused.

"Did You put something on me? What is it?!"

He feigned innocence and held His hands up.

"What did You put on me?, i whined.

"Master please! Help me! Blow on it!", i said, panting, as He walked out of the room.

He returned a moment later. i saw ice in His hand. He began to rub the ice on my "hot spot". Although it was a temperature shock, it still felt good. I told Him He was mean, but He was also being merciful. "Cruel kindness."

When i was somewhat soothed, He allowed me to change position and sit on the table. my panties were still pulled down, but i shifted myself to sit down on the now-shredded paper.

"What was that, Master?" i sat there looking forlorn.

He took a small plastic disposable cup from the counter that contained a gel that was tinted orange. He held it to my nose to smell. i couldn't detect any scent, though.

"i don't know what that is, Master. Do You??"

"Of course I do. I wouldn't use anything on you that I didn't know." He walked out of the room again and came back a moment later with a bottle that He stuck into my cleavage.

Tabasco sauce.

"Oh Master! You Tabasco-ed me?!"

He must have laced some of the gel with it earlier. It was quite a surprise later, believe me.

"Oh Master!"

He sat in a chair opposite me, enjoying my reaction.

Weakly, i said, "i feel like i just fucked a buffalo wing."

He laughed.

"Do You want me, Master?" i gestured to see if He wanted me to get off the table and be at His feet.

"I always want you, but right now I want you to just sit there and recover. Rest."

i nodded.

i looked at His cock while He enjoyed viewing my wrecked appearance. my hair was messy, my nurse's hat hung from a strand of hair by one bobby pin, and my makeup was smeared and rubbed off.

i frowned. "i don't look pretty now, Master" i said meekly.

He corrected me by saying, "Oh, you look fan-fucking-tastic right now, baby". He smiled broadly. He loves to see a visibly well-used woman.

my face flushed, and i lowered my head. i slid off of the table, brushing fragments of ripped paper off of my bare rear. "Oh gosh!" i said spontaneously, when i felt a wet rush between my legs. The excess water from the melted ice cubes inside me, and i suppose a bit of female love juice, flowed onto my thighs. The top of my stockings absorbed it. i let out a quick breath of embarrassment and fidgeted, blushing. i looked at Him. "May i pull these up now, Master?" i asked, gesturing to my panties. He nodded.

i was glad to have my butt covered as i dropped to the cold tile floor and sat between Master's legs. He looked comfortable, and slightly reclined in the chair. He was happy. i wrapped my arms around His extended leg and lay my head on His thigh. i love His long, well-formed legs. i sighed with contentment and peace. i kissed His thigh gently.

W/we spoke about O/our relationship, and caught up on mundane life. As usually happens, i began to speak about how much i miss Him, how He is the only One that i love, and how devoted i am to Him. my throat was tight with emotion and i felt my eyes grow moist as i looked down at the floor and said, "Master, You have no idea what i'd do for You." i'd submit to almost any type of horror or humiliation if He genuinely wished me to.

"I know you'd do anything for Me, babe," He assured, and took my face into His hands so i was looking into His eyes. "But the fact that I don't make you do those things, I hope means something to you."

i nodded silently, returning to facing His crotch. He knew He could treat me as a piece of meat, or an object, or a useless rag, or anything, really. But, He sees me as a human, as a woman, as a friend, and a mother; someone of worth and value. i suppose having a person of intelligence, competence and merit willingly submit to One's twisted depravities is even more stimulating to a Dom than using a "noodle".

After awhile of intimacy, together there in the examining room, sometimes silently just absorbing the feel of each O/other, He said, "Come on", and began to stand. i backed away and watched Him gather the torn shreds of paper that had once lay smooth on the table, carefully picking up any scraps. i was the "watch dog" on the floor, picking up any that fell. i wiped a small spot of dirt off of the shiny tile floor, then rose to my knees and handed Him some small pieces of paper, feeling dutiful and useful. my heart was full.

"Thank you, baby", He said, then extended His hand to help me stand up. my knees were shaky. i followed Him out of the room and into the break room, where i'd first come in. i noticed His previously-worn shirt on the table. "Oh Master", i said, as i gathered it and held it to my face, "Can i have this?". i was hopeful, but didn't think He'd just give me His shirt. i was thrilled when He said "yes". A treasure from my Master, and it was fragrant with His sweet, clean, manly scent. Oh joy.

i was standing there for a moment, looking at the round table, thinking about the employees eating their lunch tomorrow. i don't remember what i'd said next, but then i felt His hand on my back, with the familiar pressure that makes my body naturally follow His lead and bend forward. i was a bit surprised, but soon felt the hard, heavy smack of His hand on my ass; over, and over, and over. He asked me how i was going to like this job, and if i were going to be a good girl. i groaned with His words, and each strike, and braced against the table, but it shook unsteadily as i absorbed His blows.

"Master, W/we're gonna break the table, " i warned, breathing heavily. He backed off and let me stand up. Breaking the table would not have been good. How do you explain that kind of thing, right?

i spun my ass around to a plastic chair, looking at Him and asking, "May i sit, Sir?". He nodded to say "of course". He asked me if i wanted anything to drink, and i reached out and said, "Would You give me some water?"

"Absolutely", was His response, as He turned to fill a cup from the water cooler. As He handed it to me, i told Him i felt bad asking Him to do anything for me. It was unslave-like.

"Nonsense" was conveyed in His expression. Again, in His seeing me as more than an object, i know that when W/we are not in-scene that W/we can behave more like lovers or friends than a Master and His servant. i still, however, maintain proper form and respect.

After i'd drunk from my cup He led the way outside and locked the back door. i had my red cape on, and wrapped it more discreetly around me when i saw people outside the building behind U/us. It was no big deal, though. They were there to clean, and went inside in a moment. i tossed my nurse's cap and purse into my car, then sat down on the edge of the curb while Master stood a short distance away from me, lighting a cigar. i

W/we talked for a few minutes, about how His business was going, and how i was doing at mine. In another unslave-like gesture, i extended my arm towards Him. "C'mere", i said. He didn't quite hear me, so more clearly, i said "Come 'ere", with my fingers wiggling and my arms extended. He approached me and i wrapped my arms around His calves. "i like when You're near me."

"Yeah, but (He gestured backwards) when I'm there I can look at you"

i released His legs upon hearing that, and warmed inside to the thought of Him wanting to look at me, and seeing me as attractive. "Oh well then..." i said with flair, and laughed, "in that case, ok!"

He extended His hand to me again, and i took it and rose to my feet. i thought He was leading me to my car, and still had my keys in my hand. But instead, W/we passed my car and continued towards the stockade-fence enclosure around the garbage dumpsters. Master had the trash bag from the clinic in His hand, so i didn't think much of it at first. Then i remembered that Master had often told me about how He wanted to just put me on my knees in the dirt behind a dumpster, like a whore, and make me suck His cock. i started to wonder if that was on His mind.

W/we got to the opened gate and His hand on me propelled me forward. "It looks like a cage", i commented. "Yeah", was His breathy response. He tossed the bag into the receptacle and said, "Get down". i don't know why at the time i thought this was relevant, but my first reaction in my surprise was to blurt out, "But...but, i have my keys in my hand". i showed Him.

Didn't matter. His hand on my shoulder meant "Get down now". i thought momentarily about my surroundings, the "anti-ambiance", and about my poor stockings meeting the rough, dirty, ground. But i obeyed, feeling very, do i dare say... "trashy".

His cock was out of His shorts and filling my mouth in seconds. He punished me hard with it, making me gag and drool, while He told me how much of His whore i was. "Suck it", He practically hissed. "Come on, yeah, that's your cock. Show Me how much you want it. Show Me what a good whore you are. Oh yeahhh." He held my face against His crotch, His cock head filling my throat and cutting off my air. He loves that, and waited until my shoes kicked the ground before releasing me. i was gasping, but had little time before my mouth was in duty again.

my eyes were tightly closed, but at one point, i opened them for a few seconds to look up at Him, so He could capture the picture of my face, with my mouth on His cock, kneeling on the dirty ground. He didn't have much more time in His schedule to spare, but He used me until He was satiated.

He helped me up from the ground as i wiped the back of my hand across my mouth. i brushed off my knees and was glad my stockings hadn't run. Crawling slaves go through those things like tissues.

As W/we walked back to O/our vehicles, He asked me if i was o.k. driving home. i have bad night-vision, and become panicked when i'm in an unfamiliar area. i half-assured Him i'd be alright, but He could hear the uncertainty in my voice.

"Come on, follow Me". i looked at Him incredulously, because i knew He had another place to go afterwards. "I'll take care of that place tomorrow", He said.

"Are You sure, Master?". i didn't want to cause Him any problems.

"Yes, it's fine. Come on."

i was overjoyed inside that i could follow Him, and that He cared so much for my well-being that He didn't just abandon me. It was fun driving behind Him, with Him leading the way like my Hero. It was hard keeping up with Him through the tolls, because He had a pass and i had to manually pay, but He made sure He didn't lose me. i felt so connected to Him during such an average activity. Love finds strange ways to show itself.

When i got to a point of familiarity, where i'd driven dozens of times, i was able to move from behind His truck. W/we ended up side-by-side at a stoplight. He had His window open, and i lowered mine, and He said, "Nice tits, lady". i laughed and said, "Thanks!"

At the next light, the same thing happened, and this time He made that "high school-ish" blowjob motion with His hand, and His tongue pressing into His cheek. Laughing, i said, "You're an ass". Under certain circumstances, this would have been a big step out of character, but in O/our jovial "afterglow", it was fine. He laughed, too.

Eventually, O/our paths led to two different directions. He turned right as i went straight. my heart squeezed for a second, wishing it was O/our home W/we were both heading to, but things are as they are. i was happy with, and appreciative of, the time W/we did have.

i knew there'd be more. i'll be waiting, Master. i'm Your nurse on call.























11/6/2009 1:35:56 PM

Friday, November 6, 2009

11:30 a.m.

i'm feeling pretty fine and fabulous today. i've been to the gym this week, and have a new goal of losing ten more pounds by Thanksgiving. It seems very doable if i focus on it. i've been working out at home for the past few nights, because my son's father is down here from Connecticut, visiting us until Monday, for our boy's 17th birthday this weekend. i'm one of the rare and lucky single moms that maintains a decent relationship with my "baby Daddy". *chuckles at the term* He's always been a good and supportive father, we have no involvement in the court system, he voluntarily sends money, without any formal agreement, and is very good to me, too. He just sent me a new dryer for Mother's Day. Who's better than me, right? *laughs*

Right now, he's out with my car running an errand, while i'm at my work desk at home, feeling afterglow. Since i had the house to myself, and had gotten turned-on reading some profiles on here (i love the "strict" ones), i had some private joy with myself just a short time ago. *smiles* my slavely mind spun a web of humiliations and horrors, as my "bad girl" finger whirled away on that gift-from-God button that perpetuates the species, by making women lose their senses long enough to get knocked up. i'm so glad it can be self-activated. my orgasm was one of those special ones that makes me regret keeping my pants on. *blushes* It was a little "moist". i had to change my clothes.

It's been quite a nice morning, and lunch will be delivered soon. For the next few days, this "slave" is Cleopatra. i had my lunch served to me yesterday, dinner prepared last night without me, while i slept, and my coffee brought to me this morning, shortly after i sat at my desk. i rule right now.

Ooooo, i almost feel dirty. Heh heh.

By the way, Halloween was mighty fun. my "eye candy" costume went over stupendously with all the kids and parents that stopped by for treats. There were a lot of them, and i loved that. i was giving out candy, glow bracelets and Mardi Gras breads. i was dressed in a black, man's V-necked T-shirt, literally covered with glued-on candy, with thigh-highs and 7-inch platform "stripper shoes". Those shoes make even fat legs look good, *grins*

One mom even took my picture, and remembered my witch costume from last year. How flattering. i'm "remembered".

One dad was dressed in a white doctor's coat that had "Freelance Gynecologist" embroidered on it. He teasingly told me he'd be glad to give me an exam. my mind flashed-backed to my "medical scene" at the Club recently, and i was thinking, "If you only knew who you were talking to". I told him that it wouldn't be the first time, and raised the hem of the T-shirt to reveal the lace of my thigh-highs, and said, "i'm going to a very 'adult' party later."

The Phoenix Club "haunted dungeon" was a blast. The costumes were so great. my sub friend erin once again had me bursting with laughter. she was with a D/D couple who were dressed as a Sheik and a harem girl, and erin was dressed as a camel. For one, i applaud her for enduring that heavy costume in the ridiculous humidity that night (*groans* "Florida"), but she could sure shimmy that hump somethin' good. During the costume contest line-up she wiggled that hump like a cobra on steroids, and the rest of U/us were dust. *smiles* Congrats on a great outfit, erin. you're the best, gf.

i did enjoy my "interactive" costume, and had people picking off me all night. Sir Perry admired my "wares", and i jokingly and seductively said, "Are You a diabetic?", and then pressed my body forward and added, "Or, do Ya wanna be?". *wicked smile* Ms. Terry, Who i particularly adore, was one of my "pluckers". She had an adorable, young, slave-boy pet with Her that night. i commented on his cuteness, and as She was trying to pull a candy off of my dress (which was now off me and on the table, since i'd switched into a purple harem/slave-girl outfit), i remarked that She need not use Her "Mistress energy" to pluck off that candy--"Your slave should do it!" The boy promptly took a cue. Ms. Terry then thanked me for letting Her eat my dress, and i swelled inside with honor. i'm so happy that people enjoyed me. Sir Richard particularly plucked some Hershey's kisses off of me. They were planted on some very strategic areas that invited innuendo. Mission successful. i was again flattered to have gained favorable attention from One Who, along with His remarkable, sexy slave jeni, looked fabulous in T/their costumes. i really admire T/them, and wish i'd fallen into a relationship like that. Oh well, it's nice to at least know T/them. *smiles* i'm glad my candy was desirable.

Later, at IHOP, the waitresses all loved my costume, but had a bowl of candy that they'd been feasting on. A woman at another table let me know that "her girlfriend wanted one of my Reese's", and i responded by plucking off a candy from my dress and hurling it across the room. How fun. *smiles*. Sir Paul enjoyed the interaction, and was also my "hero" in shielding me from the vanilla masses when i had to pull my "dress" up past ass-level to avoid sitting on candy.

i came home both "plucked" and enjoyed. Sir Paul finished O/our scene with my "screamer paddle", which is basically like a spiked cheese-grater on an aluminum, flexible handle. my ass was quite "graphic" at the end. Lots of blood dripped from many perforations. It was  beautfully horrid.

*smiles wickedly* And i liked it. i laid on a massage table when it was over, to recuperate, and let the blood dry. As i alternately laid my head on my forearm, i watched another Dom work on a sub. It was nice to watch, but so innocently mild compared to what i'd been through. It was "cute". i admired the "newness" of it all, and hoped He'd found another candidate.

Later, Sir Paul and i had to "sneak"  out of IHOP seeing that i'd left many tiny blood spots on the red vinyl chair. "Oh my", i said when i'd viewed them. L/let's get out of here. A young guy outside wanted some Reese's Pieces, which i gladly plucked off. Unfortunately,  the bag split and flew open. Meanwhile,  a drunk girl was sobbing outside, after apparently being abandoned by her best friend. i spoke to  her  briefly, knowing personally how awful it feels to be dumped, and made sure she had a couple already willing to drive her home. Things always look better in the "morning after".

In the end, i went home satisfied, pleased, feeling used, feeling useful, and full of florentine chicken crepes. i got home at 4:30 a.m., daylight-savings time aside, and scrolled the cable t.v. guide for "Night of the Living Dead". Damn, the "all-night marathon"  on AMC had ended. Oh well, i still expressed my regrets for the black guy. How ironic that he was killed after surviving a night in Hell. Such a corny movie by today's standards, but it sure scared me as a kid. "They're coming to get you, Barbara". *shivers*




10/27/2009 4:20:14 PM

October 27, 2009

Happy Cocktober, A/all

Wow, i can't believe it's been so long since i updated my journal. my last entry was September 12. Since then, my work days have gotten busier, and i haven't had so much idle time during the day. At night, i'm either too tired to want to spend hours more at my desk, or i'm kicking my own ass at the gym.

i wanted to back-track and update my journal in order, before i wrote anything new here, but i must say.... i've lost 10 lbs.! i found out at a doctor's appointment yesterday afternoon. i was so happy. The gym is working. Ten pounds may not be much to lose, but it's sure better than gaining ten. i get a birth-control injection every three months (depo-provera), which can cause women to gain weight, so knowing i'd surpassed that hurdle and actually lost weight was really, really encouraging. i have an appointment with a personal trainer at the gym coming up, and he's really going to get me grooving on a program. i'm looking forward to it. i'm feeling smaller by the minute! :)

And, for the record, i have not had ONE solitary piece of chocolate this month. Or a single Pringle. (*giggles at the rhyme*)

Ok, enough about that. i'm posting this entry to keep my "Peeps" updated, but now i'll start working my way forward from September. 12. Stuff has happened! i had my fourth anniversary with my beloved Master "Satan", went to some parties, had a wild night with my FWB at a motel, went out on a vanilla date for lobster, and i fucked a pumpkin last week. Yes, i was intimate with a pumpkin, at the direction of my evil One. He's shown me why Jack-O-Lanterns smile alot.

Luckily, that depo-provera will prevent me from having a bunch of baby gourds in nine months.

Enjoy Hallo-week, Perves and Pervettes!



9/12/2009 10:16:04 AM

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Oh my Goddddddddd. i'm dying today. my thighs are SCREAMING.

Last night at the gym i managed 11 minutes on the elliptical machine. Just a tad more than the day before, but that extra sixty seconds was the longest minute of my life.

After that, i was on the stationary bike again, but since the gym-employee wasn't around when i was ready, i asked two members who were walking by if they could show me how to get the bike started. One man showed me how to turn it on, and set the resistance to "random". On the first night, it had been set on the easiest level, but this time i was feeling a variation between "easy", "hard" and "harder". That must be what did it to my legs. i got off the bike after doing the preset 20 minutes. i was sweating, and feeling a little sore, but not too bad.

However, a bit later was a different story. i had to go to Sweet Bay to pick up ingredients for the things i was bringing to the singles' party at the Phoenix Club tonight. By the time i got to the store, real pain was starting to set in. It just kept increasing. i was tempted to use one of those "mart carts", but my pride overruled. At the deli counter, while i was waiting for meats to be sliced for my pasta salad, i could hardly bear being upright. Another customer saw me leaning my ass on a tiny ledge below the display case and asked me if i was o.k.  my thighs were killing me, and my sneakers were starting to hurt the top of my feet.

To make matters worse, this store had a totally different floor plan than the Sweet Bay near my home. It took twice as long to find everything, and i had to keep back-tracking. The mission was a test of sheer fortitude. i was starting to feel agony. By the time i got to the salad dressing aisle, to get "Robusto" Italian for my pasta salad, i literally could not bear standing up for one more minute. There were hundreds of dressings in that section, and i had to find that one particular kind. my thighs and feet hurt so bad that after a few minutes of looking, my legs "just said 'NO'". i didn't care how i may have appeared, and sat down right on the tile floor. i just gazed up and scanned the rows of dressings from below. Not like i'm unfamiliar being on the floor, of course, but not normally in a supermarket. Fortunately, there weren't too many shoppers around. When my weary eyes finally found the one i needed, i raised myself up and let out an involuntary scream trying to straighten my legs and stand.
my friend, Sir Paul, had called me earlier, saying He needed celery for His potato salad that He was making for the party. i didn't have time in my evening to stop by His place, so i called Him from the ladies' bathroom in the store. "i'm dyyyyyinnnnnnng, Sir", was part of the conversation. i felt such "dignity", sitting there in the stall, breathing irregularly, and dreading getting up again. i told Him i'd get the celery and cut it up at home, and W/we could add it to the salad the next day. That was the best i could do.

i screamed again, after i'd finally made it through the check-out, and went to sit down in my car. i'm glad the bag boy who was loading my back seat wasn't offended by cuss words.

i'd forgotten that i needed to use the ATM in the supermarket, so it was double-punishment having to get back out of the car and return inside, only to re-visit the pain of getting into the driver's seat once more.

"This is not going to be good," i thought. i knew i'd be a hurtin' unit by the next day. And i was right. i'm sitting here now feeling a throbbing sensation down my right leg. i took a hot bath, which helped my muscles a little bit, but i'm dreading having to get dressed up and attempt to wear high heels later. Fred Sanford had a better gait than i do right now.

i have to get up now, and get busy making the rest of my food. *groans* i managed the pasta salad last night, but am making cookies and a chicken/spinach ring, along with promising a home-made chicken dinner to my son and his friends. i've got alot of work to do, and have to leave for the party at 4:00.

After the party this afternoon, i have a date planned with my "FWB" guy at a hotel. i'm wondering how i'll manage the "doggie" position when i can barely bend my legs.

God save me. Does A/anyone have a hand-truck? i'll go "Hannibal Lechter-style" if i have to.

Pray for me, People.

9/11/2009 10:07:24 AM
September 11, 2009

Before anything, i'd like to take a moment of rememberance for the souls who were lost to us on this Earth by the terrible tragedy marked by this date. They are in God's protective hands now, and are guardian angels to their loved ones. i wish them eternal peace. Life here is just one phase of a much bigger existence. A soul doesn't die, it just "moves".

Now, not much going on here presently. (But i do have plans for the weekend). Another day in the salt mines for this salesgirl. But, i did get some decent orders this morning, and that always helps. i've got a teen to feed.

Other than desk work, i'm going back to the gym a little later: Day Two of my progression into the world of better fitness. i'm still able to walk today, after my foray last night into the land of "feel the burn". i take that as a positive sign.

The only other comment i have at the moment, after viewing collarme each day while i'm working, is a question, actually:

Is any Dom on here happy??? (O.K, i do know there are some, yes. *nods in concession*)   i can't tell you how many profiles i read that complain, "scream" or bitch in HUGE capital letters about the "fakes, scammers and wanna-be's" on this site. Yeah, they're out there, and we KNOW it already. They're on every networking website; vanilla or otherwise. You can't find anything else to write about?

i don't use my journal as a harrangue. i'd rather have it be a true tale of my foibles, adventures and triumphs. i'm a real person, plus-sized and in my 40's to boot, trying to find my way in this wonderful Community. People seem to like it, and i get tons of nice letters from people following my entries.  Thank Y/you all.

If you feel the site is so full of shit that it's the main focus of Your profile or journal, then You're free NOT to be on it. Do i really have to tell Anyone that?

Lighten up, Gentlemen. You're not proving anything, or delivering shocking news. If You hate this FREE site so much, close down Your profiles and look elsewhere. It's as simple as that. Personally, i'm not attracted to Doms Who have to "scream".  In this girl's opinion, 'tis the softest whisper that can be heard the loudest. That's a mark of a true Master. Just one look in His eyes is enough for me to respond.

If You want to meet sincere BDSM folks, get on Google and find a local munch, go to a convention, or visit a dungeon.

Wise words from a genuine, Lifestyle slave. 

YES, we DO exist.

Peace, People. Reach out with love. Especially today.

With warm regards to A/all,

9/10/2009 2:41:17 PM

September 10, 2009

"One Less Planet in the Solar System"

i hope Y/you all enjoyed yesterday's "triple digit" date. It was supposed to be significant, because it won't happen again until like 2100. Well, it wasn't anything spectacular over here. Rather, a quite stressful day. The best part of it was getting an IM from my beloved "Satan", checking on me.

Someone wrote to me this morning asking where my new journal entry was. i was quite flattered that He'd look forward to it. Alas, "Fans", i've not had any adventures in a few days; just working in the salt mine and being a mom. Quite vanilla, other than spending time answering kinky emails in between work calls. But, the weekend is drawing near, and i have a "Tampa Bay Kinky Singles" party to attend at The Phoenix Club, followed by a date with my "FWB" guy. Oh yeahhhhh. i'm surely looking forward to that. So, next week, i'm hoping to have more "juice" to put in here.

In the meantime, today i'm getting off my fat butt and going to join a gym. my son and i have been on diets for about the last four weeks, and he joined a gym with one of his buddies awhile ago. i figured if i did the same that i'd stay motivated and not make excuses when they were already going. my best friend and soul-sister, up in Connecticut, called me yesterday to say she needed to have a hysterectomy, due to "woman troubles". i was quite down about that, and about not being up there to help her recover, but i promised her that i was going to join a gym AND actually work out at it before her surgery. A promise means a lot to me, so, i'll be there in just a little while, signing my life away to "Master Treadmill".

i'll be so glad to get rid of this moon that's been orbiting me. NASA has recently sent me a letter saying i'm causing sun spots. i believe i'm also affecting the tides.

Feel the burn. It's just a matter of self-discipline, i suppose. Sometimes, i've worked out or used a treadmill when i'm staying at a hotel, and when i want to slack off, my mental dialogue goes something like, "Come on, slut! you think that hurts??! Move it, slave!!". At times like those, one must Master herself.

i wonder if the other people at the gym will be curious about me walking on a treadmill with my hands behind my back. i've found this to be good training. When one is being led forward by her nipples, and moving quickly in platform heels, one must be nimble on her feet.

Well, if i'm ever going to do it, the time is now. Off to the gym!

One smaller slave, coming soon.


i made it! i'm home from the gym and i survived the first time i've ever really worked out in an actual fitness center, with people around me. Granted, i only lasted 10 minutes on the elliptical machine, but i did do the full 20 minutes on the bike. That's all i tried for my first evening there, because i'd pulled something in my knee earlier today, and i have things to do this weekend and didn't want to be crippled from doing too much at once.  Plus, well, i'm a BIG chick. i was sweating my ass off just doing what i did. But, 30 minutes of real exercise is 30 minutes more than i've had in a long time. Ya gotta start somewhere.

It took real courage to walk into that place. When i got there, i saw buff people coming out with their gym bags, looking all muscle-tastic, and i was intimidated. i drove around the back of the building and sat there for about five minutes to just breathe and coach myself. i thought about how it was to be virtually naked in front of hundreds of strangers in my times at the dungeons, and how it felt to be tied up and helpless at the hands of evil Doms, and told myself "you can do this, girl". i treated it like i treated preparing for a discipline scene. "you can do it".

Thank God i'm not shy, because i would have turned around and drove home. But "shy" doesn't get a girl too far. Ask the wallflower subbies at the dungeons how that goes. They watch, but often don't do much. That's not my style. i sucked up my fear and walked into the doors, already seeing buffaliscious people behind the counter: A tattooed rock-hard mountain of a man, and a woman as thick as a piece of gum.

"Ok, are there any other fat people in here besides me?" i asked boldly upon entry. That broke the ice. They laughed and assured me that i was fine. i told them my son belonged to this gym and that i was ready to sign up and get on the bandwagon. The man was the gym owner, named Drew, and he said he'd take me on a tour. Almost immediately, he noticed my steel collar. "I like that", he said. "Brutal. What's the story on that?"

"Well, that is a story, yes.", i said, as we began walking together.  "If you saw my ass you'd know all about it". He laughed. i'm probably the kinkiest chick in the place, for sure.

He showed me the equipment rooms and the amenities. i liked it. Classes and other stuff were included for free with the membership, and there was no long-term contract. Cool. i was feeling good about it. After the tour, we went into his office to sign me up. i explained that i'd dealt with weight my whole life, had lost weight over the past few years, and had once been regular at Jazzercise. i stopped going, got depressed, and now a couple of years had passed. i told him i needed to get busy and just get moving again. i said i'd been comfortable at Jazzercise, because it was all women, in a big age range. He was very reassuring, and told me that besides the testosterone-factor, that their gym was 67% women, and that there were no g-string queens.

i replied that i might be big, but i bet i get laid more than they do. Alot more. heh heh. He really admired my confidence, and was sure that i could do this.

i know i can. Bring it on.

i have to make an appointment with Drew tomorrow, to set up a time for him to design my plan of action. There'll be about 11 different things i'll be doing. i'm looking forward to it!

If i can survive a nail paddle, a needle through my genitals, and electricity up my twat, this'll be a piece of cake.

Oh crap... now i want cake.



9/9/2009 7:45:09 AM

Monday, September 7, 2009

What would Jesus do?

Today was definitely my "Leave me alone, Men" Day. i was tired from an "active" weekend playing, and i needed to recover.

my entry for today is not BDSM-related, but not all of them are. Today, i just had to write about my son, because sometimes his gall just cracks me up. He's almost 17, and i swear the kid should be a lawyer. He can justify just about anything and find a valid reason for it.

When i saw him this afternoon, during one of his foraging missions in the kitchen, i pretty much made it clear that today i'm "nobody's maid, nobody's slave, nobody's anyone." It's my day OFF. He decided to parlay that to his advantage and said, "helpfully", "Mom, if you don't want to cook today, Chinese food would be a good idea."

i've ordered Chinese plenty of times, and not just for him and me. Most of the time, at least one or two of his posse are "in da' house", and they end up eating, too. Today's count was three people in his electronics paradise, a.k.a, his bedroom. Including me, that made four.

my response was "Um, yeah, for four people?". i've been operating on a thin margin this past year since the economy has dived, since i'm a salesperson living on only commission checks. i didn't want to spend the average $50 to get the Chinese variety we usually order. Besides that, Chinese food is about 50% fat, and we've been on a diet together.

But, he persisted...... "Chinese food brings families together".

"i don't have a family", was my deadpan response, as i continued typing at my computer.

"Chinese food is what made America what it is today", was his next tactic.

i ignored that one, but it did remind me of Chinese migrant workers building the railroads. i, and Amtrak, thank them. He went back into his room, and i figured it was over for now. i wanted to go shopping for awhile to look at some lingerie that a woman told me was really inexpensive at Ross. i left the house and figured the debate was done.

However, when i was driving down the road, i had trouble finding the store, so i turned on my cell phone to give them a call and find out their exact location. Immediately, my phone vibrated and gave me a text-message alert. Was it from my "FWB" guy looking to hook up? Oh goodie! He's usually the only one who texts me, and i got all excited, until i read it---

"Chinese food is what Jesus would order".

Forget "WWJD".... If you ever see a bumper sticker that says "CFIWJWO", now you'll know what that means.

i wonder if Jesus likes General Tso's.




9/8/2009 11:20:34 PM

Saturday, September 5, 2009

"Aww, bloody Hell." And i'm not speaking British.

This past Saturday night, i decided once again to head over to The Phoenix Club. It's hard for me to resist knowing there's a dungeon party every weekend. If i can make it, and nothing conflicts, you'll find me there.

As usual, i went with my Dom Friend/Play Partner/"Pit Bull", Sir Paul. He doesn't drive, so if i'm going to The Club, i bring Him along. It's good to have an Escort and not feel alone, yet still have freedom to play with Others if They ask. At the same time, if i am playing with a new Dom, He's there to make sure i don't get injured.

W/we went out to dinner first, then came back to my house so i could change, then out to the dungeon. W/we got there about 9:30, and there was a decent amount of people, but it wasn't too overly crowded. i stripped off my vanilla dress to reveal my "fetish outfit"; a black short one-piece with pink criss-crossed ribbons that emulated corset lacing. It was silky and quite comfortable. (Of course, my shoes matched, too. i'm a fashionable slave.)

Sir Paul was hell-bent on using the previously-mentioned padded table that i'd written about in an earlier journal entry. It's comfortable, has knee rests, and makes a sub's ass very accessible. It was in use when W/we got there, so W/we bided O/our time sitting at a table in the lounging area with some beverages, and talking to people W/we knew. i saw a sub friend named erin, who's always admired my shoes, and she was sporting some pretty hot ones herself that night. she's organized a "Tampa Bay Kinky Singles" group, and we talked about the upcoming "indoor barbecue" she was having at the Club next weekend. Sir Paul, my "FWB" guy, and i planned on attending. It sounded fun, and i'm always up for meeting UN-attached Doms. Not too many of those around.

i went outside for awhile, and a man came out the door and was looking at me like he knew me. He'd seen me on , and written to me a few times. After he told me his name, and a bit about himself, i remembered his emails. It's always nice to meet people who've written to you in-person. He and his wife had interest in the Lifestyle, but were very new at it, and she rarely played in public. He was alone, and i volunteered my "services" as a sub. He was delighted, and thought i was just wonderful to say that. Heck, it's what i "do". *shrugs* No big deal on my part, and "The Princess Whore" would once again spread happiness throughout the land.

In the meantime, i admired some paddles and items that were hanging for sale in the lobby area of the Club. i found a nice wooden one with rubber on one side that had a raised diamond-pattern on it. It was $45, and i had to have it. i brought it inside to show Sir Paul "O/our" newest acquisition. He'd surely be using that later.

When the table became available, i stripped off my little outfit and "assumed the position", leaving my stockings and shoes on. Sir Paul hung His floggers and toys on a portable rack nearby, and laid three knives on the table's lower metal frame, beneath my face. Sir Paul is a big knife fan, but oh, how i hated those. The long cutting lines are excruciating on my skin. Still, being a sub with very few limits, i knew i'd endure them for Him.

Sir Paul's also a rope enthusiast, so He tied me down to the table with rope over my waist. i think He was remembering last weekend when He struck me with a bullwhip and i stood up in agony, and He had to push me back down. That wouldn't be happening tonight. He'd also hung my "nail paddle" in the row of toys on the rack. i knew that W/we'd end the scene with holes in my ass.

Sir Paul proceeded to flog me with His beloved floggers. He has endearing names for all of them. Fortunately, i can get flogged for a week and still withstand it. It's the lesser of most evils. However, the flogger's falls sometimes hit my exposed pussy, and that makes me laugh. The more i laughed, the more Sir Paul wanted to do it. Hey now!

W/we combine O/our toys at the parties, and Sir Paul had also selected a tool i call the "puppy stick". It's basically a nightstick with rubber foam covering it, resembling the segmented body of a worm. It can be mild to wild, depending on the strength of the hits. (my Master "Satan" has also shown me it's conducive to being an "insertable".) i'd purchased the puppy stick when i was with my "Ex" (not Satan; i'm still with Him), at a BDSM convention, and He used to use it to tap on my butt when i was in puppy-play mode.

Sir Paul took the puppy stick and rolled it over and over my back. That was quite pleasurable. All in all, Sir Paul's applications this time were the most sensually pleasurable He's done to me in a scene. But, not all was so. When He got down to using those knives i moaned loudly. i could not suppress it. The feeling of the long scratches down and across my back and shoulders and ass is almost unbearable. Even without cutting through my flesh, it's bad enough. He carved His usual initial "P" into my left shoulder, to leave His distinctive mark. i was so glad when it was over!

But the scene wasn't over when the knives were done. i'd been spared from the bullwhip because i still had cuts from it that were healing from last weekend, and a previous time, too. It takes me a long time to heal from whip cuts. i also had a Dom coming over my house on Sunday, and i'd asked Paul to "save some for Him". i didn't want to be totally unusable the next day. However, Sir Paul was not going to resist the nail paddle, and i'd already told Him that the pain wasn't as bad as people might think, and gave Him a green light to use it more than He had done previously.

As long as the knives were over and the whip was kept in the toy bag, i was prepared to endure it. i felt Him strike me with the nail paddle about four times, i think. It's hard to be sure of everything when you can't see what's going on behind you. i definitely knew it was that nail paddle about a minute later, though, because i then felt "liquid" running down my skin. i knew i was bleeding visibly. i figured it was quite a sight to behold. i don't often see blood scenes in dungeons, and i hope some observers found it interesting. i looked at Sir Paul and said, "Now this is when You need to be able to take pictures". He agreed, and went to Sir Perry to ask about it. Sir Perry had a camera, and took some photos for U/us. Paul looked very proud with His hand on my back, kneeling next to His bleeding "victim" on the table. When i saw one of the pictures on the digital camera, i could see that blood had run down on one side of my ass to the lace top of my thigh-high stocking. It was pretty graphic. And mighty cool. How better to show one is a good slave in scene than to bleed?

After the pictures were taken, Sir Paul wiped me down. Using alcohol on my ass was suggested, but i wasn't having it. No way was i feeling that burn. i'd clean up later at home. i was a bit shaky after the scene, and walked on wobbly legs over to the seating area. Sir Paul wanted me to sit down on a chair, but i laid the towel i'd used onto the floor and lay stomach down on the concrete. i just wanted to rest for a bit.

The other man that i'd met outside came over to see how i was doing, and i told him that after i recovered, that i'd be available. In the meantime, he was going to try a scene as a sub and feel some flogging himself. (Again, he was very new, and didn't have experience in either a D or s role.). He went over to a St. Andrew's cross with a Switch who was going to play with him. i went outside for a break.

When i was out there, i wanted to lean on something instead of just standing, and because my car was about 5 spaces down, i leaned on the bumper of a truck parked right outside the door. When i stood erect, i looked at the truck's bumper and saw blood on it. i rubbed it off as well as i could with my finger, but a small trace remained. i was hoping if the truck owners noticed it that they'd figure they hit a bug while driving. A FAT bug. Yep.

When i'd sufficiently recovered, i kept my commitment to play with the "newbie". i asked what he wanted to try, and he barely knew what to say. When i asked where he wanted me, he said he liked tables, so this time i lay belly down onto a massage table they had there. It was mighty comfortable. Sir Paul came over to assist, supervise and teach the man how to use some of the items in the toy bag. The man liked bondage a lot, so he took rope and tied both my now-cuffed hands and ankles to the underside of the table. He made a remark about his not being very good at it, and that i could probably easily escape, but i told him that the strongest bondage is mental bondage. i would not struggle, whether i was bound with leather or strings.

The man found it remarkable that i was so accommodating, especially considering how my ass looked. Because there was probably residual blood from punctures that hadn't fully stopped bleeding yet, i told Sir Paul to have the man use my own floggers instead of His. Sir Paul handed the man my suede flogger first, and being that he had no experience in ever using one, his strokes on me were so tentative and soft that it was almost cute. i teasingly taunted him, to encourage him to hit me harder. "Come on, Master Pussy Boy, let me know when you're getting started, ok?!" We laughed. He progressed to my 100-falls leather flogger and at least i felt that more. i encouraged the man to explore my "portable toy bag" that i take on the road, and Sir Paul and i instructed him on each item. At times, he was so grateful for what i was doing that he'd hug me and offer to stop and not take up my time because it was late. i told him, "i'm here now, take advantage of it". He was almost giddy.

Rustling through my toy bag, he pulled up a long penis gag with leather fastening straps. i don't normally carry it around, but it was in there since i'd put it in the bag to show my Satan some new toys i'd bought when He came to visit me on my birthday. i know the man wanted to try it, but Sir Paul (here's the "Pit Bull" explanation) firmly said "NO", that he was not gagging me. Of course, it was a smart idea, and i'd have refused myself, because i'd not be able to use my voice if something was going wrong. Besides that, i wouldn't be able to help to explain anything.

The man went through a few of my milder paddles, and his strikes probably wouldn't have bothered a child, but i knew it was because he was such a novice, and was also concerned about the already-gruesome state of my ass. i encouraged, and sometimes teased, but i did not criticize. Everyone is new at some time. i did, however, begin to feel discomfort when Sir Paul showed the man the "evil stick". Those mild-mannered-looking little fuckers can hurt like heck. Sir Paul took a hard whack on my ass with a narrow, sandpaper-covered paddle, too. That made me yelp.

The man was satisfied then, and it was quite late, so i was then untied and released. i stood up and put on a bra i'd brought instead of my previous outfit, and put my dress on over it. i guess the man had been observing, because he politely approached me and said he had a "thing" for bras, and boobs, apparently. He asked me if he may "touch". i jutted my chest out and said "sure" and "Doms don't have to ask" (Yes, Lifestylers, i know technically They do have to at times, but i was illustrating how it was to have One's own sub.) He reverently caressed my breasts, and thanked me profusely. "No problem".

For the second week in a row, W/we closed The Phoenix Club. i was totally "done", and still had to drive U/us home. Just like last weekend, as soon as i was able to, after i got home and let the dog show me his joy at my return, i got undressed, put on some comfy clothes, and hit the bed face down.

my ass tingled a lot from the nail paddle, and it was hard to fall to sleep. It was about 4 a.m., i guess, when i nodded off. i had to get rest, because i had another play date with a Dom later that day.

The fun just never stops.










9/8/2009 9:06:33 PM

Thursday, September 3, 2009

"Um, Doctor, you wouldn't believe how i got this West Nile Virus..."

Just as my beloved "Satan" had been waiting for me for a few weeks to be available, about the same amount of time had passed since i'd been with my "FWB" guy, Roy. For those who don't know from earlier mention, Roy can fuck like nobody's business. He never gets exhausted, and can hold off cumming forever. i met Him about a year ago at Lifestyle Explorers, and i've held onto that dick ever since. W/we always have a blast when W/we're together, and when W/we have enough time, my orgasm count is usually in the double digits. He's QUITE a Man.

If you also notice, i don't hide His name like i do with others to protect T/their privacy. Roy doesn't mind the publicity. It might get Him laid more.

Roy'd been chomping at the bit to see me, but my son being home, and our own schedules, had prevented that. W/we usually try to get together every other week or so. i had a feeling that He'd be text-messaging me some time this week, and i was right. "When can I fuck u?" showed up on my phone on Wednesday, and He then suggested "Tomorrow night outside my job?".

i was in a strange mood that day, and had been just talking with someone else about guys that "disappear", but "always come back". If i think i've lost one, i sit back and fold my arms and know that sooner or later, he'll come sniffing around again someday. Roy hasn't done that to me, but i was in the mindset of knowing that i had what it takes to deliver, and that i didn't have to go to great pains on my part. i got a bit coy and texted him back saying that an outside rendezvous was "just a tease". i'd been hoping to do an overnight with Him that coming weekend. (no pun intended). He replied that it was the best He could do for now, because He was busy that weekend, and was dying for pussy. mine, in particular. i'd been with my Master on Monday and cum, and was fairly satisfied in my little love-cloud, but i hadn't had some knock-me-down-jackhammer-pounding sex since the last time i'd seen Roy on the weekend of August 14-15. Even Master knows Roy is my "fuck friend" and He's glad about it: takes a lot of pressure off the Old Guy to keep me satiated.

i decided to let Roy stew a bit and replied that i wasn't "loving it; the idea of being outside when it's so HOT here and there's always a risk of being caught. (W/we'd almost gotten snagged by a security guard shortly after fucking at the Oldsmar Flea Market one evening) i also thought about driving for 35 minutes to spend 30 minutes or so with someone, then driving home again. i continued my text by saying i'd "contemplate it a bit and get back to Him".

i couldn't help but picture my Fuck Boy sitting in a crock pot. *chuckles*

Later on Wednesday evening came a message asking if i could let Him know before 9 a.m. the next morning, and if i were going to meet Him He wouldn't jerk off that morning. i went to sleep that night with visions of a slow-cooker in my head. He should be nice and tender by morning. heh heh heh

Keep in mind, i'm usually not like this. i am a slave at heart, after all. But this week, i was feeling particularly valuable, and wasn't just ready to step n' fetch when some man snapped His fingers for sex. i do wear a slave collar, but the collar is MINE.

Around 7 a.m. on Thursday, i texted Roy to say i'd be there. i don't know exactly when He read my reply, but i'm sure His cock was ready to hit "reply to message" immediately.

Late that afternoon, i showered and dressed. It was still light outside, and i was leaving the house with my son home, so i had to keep my outfit fairly pedestrian. i put on a cute sleeveless black-and-fuchsia patterned top, with velvet shoulder straps, ruffle trim around the top edge, and a black velvet ribbon bow in the center of the cleavage. Underneath a black skirt with slits up the sides, i had on neutral-colored thigh-highs without a garter, and without panties, and wore black shoes with chunky high heels, also trimmed at the front with a black bow.

When i got to a McDonald's in front of a bunch of corporate buildings, i texted Roy to tell Him that i was there, but didn't know where to find Him. As soon as i hit "send", i looked up through my windshield and there he was in his car, right in front of me. i pulled out of the lot and followed Him down a dead-end road, to the rear of an office building. W/we got out of O/our cars and said "hellos". i began talking about some people who'd written to me on AFF recently about some "group" things, to see if He'd be interested. He was interested alright, but moreso in me, because as i was still speaking about it, He was already turning me around and lifting up my skirt. i was still speaking when He entered me, and then my voice trailed off into a grunt of welcome. He began speaking of His pleasure, and of how good my "hot pussy" felt. He'd been waiting just as long as i had to get some good fucking.

i was on the side of my car, at the trunk end, as He began to rhythmically move inside me. God, it felt so good, and so familiar. He knows by my muscular contractions and sounds when to slow down, quicken up, hit me harder, etc. It's just perfect every time. He made me cum, and as usual, although He braced himself and held hard onto my hips, my orgasmic contractions pushed His cock out of me. i guess my pussy is saying "O.K., i'm done, now get out". *chuckles*

Roy went to re-enter me, but i wasn't liking the trunk end of the car. It was too short (on a Hyundai) to give me much room to brace myself. i suggested moving to the front hood, but Roy suggested the nearby picnic table.

W/we moved over there, and i bent over on the short end of the rectangle and held onto the side of the table with my hands. He began again fucking me again, and i leaned over the table onto the rough, unfinished wood. i could tell that people sit outside there for lunch and smoke breaks, because i had to flick someone's dead cigarette butt off the table. How "glamorous".

During the fucking, it was getting mighty hot, and i don't mean sexy. In Florida, "hot" means exactly that. Like Africa. With more humidity. As the evening sky grew darker, mosquitoes were coming out, too. Roy stopped for a moment and walked away. i turned, wondering why the interruption, and He headed towards His car, saying that just that day He'd downloaded some kind of program onto His Blackberry or whatever type of super-techno phone thing He uses, that is supposed to repel mosquitoes. i had no idea how they did that, except to assume maybe it gave off some inaudible bug-annoying sound wave. He planted the phone on the table, while i sat and waited on the picnic table bench.

His phone has the single-most annoying ring tone i've ever heard. It sounds like an alarm on a submarine "WONK WONK WONK WONK WONK!". i always say something about it like, "Your submarine is ringing". When i looked at the phone on the table, remembering the ring tone, i said to Him, "i know why You have Your phone sounding like a submarine".... "Because You're so full of 'sea men' " He said He was going to say, "Because i like when people go down on me", but then laughed and said that my answer was funnier.

Before W/we resumed O/our fucking, He put His dick down my throat for some sample sucks. He finds it remarkable when i deep-throat Him, and i've been the only woman to do it. That turned Him on, and raised His dick to full-mast again, ready for penetration. i suggested that i try kneeling on the picnic table's bench now, to spare me from standing in my shoes in the grass. W/we wondered if the height would be proper, and fortunately, it was. Now, i was knelt on the bench and leaning over the table, with my arms extended. Roy sprang into action and the pounding resumed. At one point, my breastbone was becoming sore against the table's edge, and i had to shift forward so some body fat would absorb the impact. i wondered how bone-skinny women could do this type of thing, but then figured those lucky bitches are in fancy hotels getting laid.

Periodically, as i flipped my head from side to side, to keep my long, loose hair from sticking to my sweating face, i also had to shake my arm on occasion to ward off a landing blood-sucker. "So much for Your mosquito-repeller," i thought, but didn't want to break the mood by saying something. To gain leverage, i hooked my arms under the table's edge, and days later, i'd wonder what those two bruises were near my elbow veins, and then remembered how it had happened.

When i felt Roy speed up His pounding and start to groan, i knew He was going to cum. That always excites me and ignites my own orgasm. While He groaned loudly, i screamed into the night air, not caring if anyone was around to hear. W/we both had a mutually satisfying climax. Roy was spent when it was over, and i was thoroughly HOT and felt dirty from the table. When He backed away from me, i spun around and sat down. His penis was still sticking out of His pants while He spoke to me for a minute. i mentioned the mosquitoes that were landing on me, despite the phone gadget, while W/we were "doing it", and He said He was lucky that His dick was protected by being inside me. That prompted Him to look down, and W/we cracked up seeing a mosquito sitting on His dick. i told Him He was lucky and had two females to suck Him off that night. He quickly stuffed His dick into His pants, and made a joke about that old song, "There's a skeeter on my peter, whack it off".

i asked Roy if He ever sat outside at that picnic table on His work breaks. He said He hadn't yet, because it was so hot outside, but that other people came out there to smoke. i got an evil idea and told Him that if i had a pen, i'd make a note on the table to show that W/we'd been there. He liked that idea, and got me a pen from His car. With Roy using His "super-phone" now as a flashlight, i etched "WWFH" into the rough wood. It stood for "W___ Was Fucked Here" (using my first name). He loved it, and said that He'd definitely come out and sit at that table now.

i went over to my car for some mosquito protection, and Roy followed me. i sat in my driver's seat with the door open and turned off the light so i wouldn't attract more of the pests, and He stood outside. He'd mentioned that He also wanted to cum down my throat, but W/we first made small-talk about my son, and the diet that he and i were on. i was proud of my kid's efforts, and he'd recently joined a gym that i was joining along with him next week. After a bit of speaking about wise food choices, Roy put my hand on His crotch. i knew what that meant. i leaned forward in the driver's seat, with my legs out the door, and began to take His penis into my mouth. Getting Roy to cum a second time is an effort, being that He can pretty much last forever. i deep-throated Him, twisted my head, and used every maneuver i could to stimulate Him to orgasm again. my feet were on the ground, and my skirt was pulled up some, while i rocked my body forward to give me more momentum. The back-and-forth movement of my ass on the car seat started to stimulate me again, and i started to moan with a mouth full of dick. my moans got louder as the "feeling" grew inside me, and my right hand left the door frame and found my clit. As i sucked His dick, i rubbed myself into another orgasm, and felt myself squirt onto the ground, or onto my skirt.. i wasn't sure. Roy wasn't done yet, so i kept up my efforts. i didn't want to stop or interrupt the flow, but i think i felt a mosquito bite my pussy! Oh crap. i'd already felt one bite my ankle, but at least you can scratch your ankle in public.

i used my mouth, then my hand, and gasped "help me" to Roy, to encourage Him to cum. It was damn HOT and i'd already had three or four orgasms, so i was satisfied. Finally, as my hand massaged His swollen penis, He quickly said, "Put it in your mouth". A few strokes of my tight lips around His shaft delivered His second load.

i always forget to bring water with me when i do these rendezvous, so after parting ways by saying "Thank You, Sir", and "Thank you, slut" (i giggled hearing that), and planning on meeting up "properly" the following weekend (because Roy said He could not possibly stand to wait any longer than that), W/we left, and i headed over to the McDonald's drive-thru to get an iced tea.

How slutty i felt there, still tasting cum in my mouth, and knowing i smelled like sex. "If they only knew", i thought. In retrospect, i also noticemy own dichotomy. Within minutes of having whorish sex outside in public, and having multiple orgasms, my mind shifted to what i could bring my teen home for dinner. From slut to good mom in 2.3 minutes.

"Good mom" headed to Arby's when i got closer to home, to get a "Martha's Vineyard" salad that i'd had there in the past, and they said they didn't have them any more. i hate when that happens! You start liking something on a menu and then they take it off. Fortunately, Wendy's was nearby, and they had a mandarin orange grilled chicken salad that was calorie-smart. i even made them read me the calorie- and carb count over the drive-thru speaker. i brought home two salads, for myself and my teen.
i walked through the front door and oh my God...haven't i cum enough for one evening? my 16 yearold son was in the living room, adding to piles of folded clothes on the chairs and ottoman. He'd done his own laundry. Glorious!

As he enjoyed his salad, i changed my clothes and sat at my desk, squirming in my chair from an itch below.

i swear, i hope that bitch mosquito was happy. Grrrr. And, if anyone reading this hears about downloading that mosquito-repellent program onto their phone, DON'T BOTHER! Just keep your dick in your pants or wear panties under your skirt.

Next time, i'm bringing a tent.












9/8/2009 2:55:44 PM

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Reunion with "Satan"

i saw my beloved Master, "Satan" today, after a few weeks of separation. O/our individual lives, including my son being out of school, have made it difficult for U/us to be together, but finally, at long last, He was here.

He called me on Monday night, and i was feeling a bit melancholy. i'd had my medical scene at The Phoenix Club that past weekend, and was probably feeling a combo of sub-drop and the "missing-Master-blues". i was moody, but hearing from Him cheered me. After weeks of biding my time with Others, i'd finally feel His hands on me again.

i barely slept Monday night, literally. i think i probably had an hour combined in total. i woke on Tuesday morning very groggy and not my best self, but today was "the day". Normally, i take great pains to dress to the hilt in fetish attire, with stockings, high heels and something corset-like or sexy. But today, despite my efforts to shake off the ill feelings, i managed only a short black nightie with pink flowers decorating see-through lace over the breasts. i've been with Satan for almost four years now, and i knew He'd seen every part of me that made me inwardly wince, and was coming here for more than just what i was wearing. i was barefoot and without stockings, garter belt or panties. my freshly-washed hair was air-drying and becoming wavy. i'd not bother with the flat iron today. i made my face pretty, paying attention mostly to my eyes, because i knew He'd stare into them. Fuchsia lip gloss accented my mouth; another "useful" part of my face. Other than that, today i was a simple slave. Relatively unadorned. i presented myself as i was.

i made sure the floor was washed, the rug was vacuumed, and the bathroom and kitchen were spotless and tidy. It's important to me to show that i can properly keep a house clean, and present my Master with the pleasing environment He deserves.

He called me to let me know that He was on the way, and with about 10 minutes to wait, i readied myself on the living room floor. The sleep deprivation was beginning to set in, and for a short while, i lay on the carpet on my stomach, with my eyes closed, and resting my head on my outstretched arm.

i sprang to attention when i heard the storm door open. i was instantly on my hands and knees with my head down. i heard Him come in, but submissively presented myself without looking at Him. i heard Him say, "It's been a long time". He approached me and my heart inwardly soared. Like a servile dog, i leaned my head against His calf. i breathed deeply, and softly moaned in my throat. He saw my bare ass, and said, "Just the right position". He began to pet and touch me, running His hand over the skin of my rear, increasing the pressure and squeezing the ample flesh. i knew He was savoring His slave. i leaned into His lower leg in response, not saying a word.

His touches became more teasing as He continued to stroke me. The tips of His fingers grazed my labia. i knew it was on purpose. i began to heat up. More of this made me whimper, and when His fingers found my clit for a moment, it was like a little rocket had been set off. Moments later, His fingers entered me, and i was complete. He fucked my pussy with His fingers and made me gyrate in response. i wanted more, more, more.... oh Master! i lost myself in the feeling, and without reservation, raised my ass towards His hand, putting my face on the top of His sneaker, then onto the floor. i didn't care about the dog hair embedded in the long carpet fibers, or how i may have appeared. i was on "auto". i just wanted to be fucked by any part of this wonderful Man. He made me cum, and i shuddered against His palm. i was feeling dreamy and breathing heavily.

my hair hung loosely towards the floor, and when i finally spoke, i asked, "May i look at You, Sir?" He said "yes", and i brushed my hair off my face as i rose to my knees. Tangible sparkles of adoration tingled in my eyes. i noticed that somehow He'd managed to remove most of His clothing. (How'd He do that??) i figured He must have done it while my head was on the carpet as i waited for Him to touch me for the first time.

"This (meaning my attire) is the best i could do today, Sir", i said with some frustration. He smiled. i knew He still found me beautiful. He stared down at His slave and smiled.

"Hi, baby".

"Hello, Masssterrrr".

i stood up. "Do You wanna see my marks?", i asked, eagerly. i wanted to show Him the violet wand results from Saturday. my stomach looked like i'd been attacked by kittens. i was covered with electrical burn "scratches". i had to open the front door to let enough light into the darkened room. i pulled up my nightie, and He laughed out loud when He saw them. He loves seeing evidence of what i've been up to, although He's said that He does envy the times other Doms have with me.

He moved over to the couch, and motioned to me to join Him in my customary place between His legs.

i crawled to Him and put my head on His thigh. All was right with the world then. The hungry were being fed, nuclear disarmament had occurred, fossil fuels were a thing of the past, and i'd managed to cum without peeing on my carpet.

We spoke for awhile, as i had lots to tell Him about the medical scene at the Phoenix Club, and whatever else i'd been up to in the interim of O/our last time together in August. He smoked a cigar as W/we talked, and i stroked the fur of His body and toyed with His chest hair, twisting it in little spirals with my fingers, and alternatively smoothing it flat. i made a joke about Sasquatch, and He laughed, telling me it was thicker when He was younger. To me, He was perfect right as He was now. Without Him asking, i began to flick my tongue on His cock, then took it into my mouth. i lovingly sucked it and felt Him grow and grow to fill my mouth with His length. i'm always joyful when i feel effective. He sighed with pleasure.

As i know He loves, i took His full length down my throat, until my eyes sprang tears in the corners, and i fought to breathe. i did this over and over to show my devotion and to show that i'd experience difficulty on His behalf. This, He knew.


He spoke to me in His hypnotic voice, telling me that this was "my" cock, my Master's cock, and told me to show Him how much i loved it. i used every effort to please Him, and was fueled by His sighs. i just wanted Him to enjoy His slave, in His oasis. It was all i cared about. At some point, my business phone on my desk rang, and a customer traveled to my voicemail. Too bad for them, i was busy.

i wish i could describe a glorious orgasm on His part, but i'd be writing fiction then, and i keep my journal true. Master is 59 now, and on a new blood pressure medication, and i knew it could interfere with "completion". To Him, it didn't matter. He just wanted to be with me. He was very pleased and satisfied by what i'd delivered, and the outward demonstration of my love for Him. i asked Him if i could stop for awhile, not feeling in any way deficient. Reality is what it is. He said, "Of course. Just touch Me and talk to Me."  W/we spoke about my recent activities, and my sometimes frustration over being alone much of the time. It's hard to handle running a house and handling all the responsibilities by myself. He felt angst over it, and said i was "such an intelligent woman, with such a good sense of humor, and had so much to give".  He wanted me to have a companion, but i didn't care. i just wanted Him. i would keep my life as it was, and treasure each day and each time W/we had together. He put out the end of His cigar, and  i noticed He looked towards His chest, and put His hand over His face for a moment.

i was alarmed, and asked if He was o.k. He'd  said the cigar had made Him feel light-headed. i was concerned. Master is getting older, and i fear for His health. He works way too hard and has way too much on His plate, but He never complains. Some food would possibly help Him, so i hastened to get Him something to drink and eat.

When i went into the kitchen, He moved to a chair at my dining table. i quickly handed Him some diet Pepsi, and made Him some little ham and cheese sandwiches on small rolls. i took my place on the floor between His legs as He ate. i worry about Him so much, and hoped He'd feel better. i stroked His thighs lovingly, and W/we spoke about mundane subjects like my family, His schedule that day, and O/our jobs.

To some that have followed my journal, this won't be the most erotic, kinky or discipline-oriented entry, and i'm sorry to disappoint, but this day was more about O/our re-bonding than anything else. Truthfully, if every entry in a diary-journal were like a letter to "Penthouse" i'd find it doubtful. Wouldn't you? i wasn't feeling well to begin with, and Master wasn't up to His usual either. W/we just needed to be together, and now that my son was back in school, W/we knew there'd be more time to do more next week. It was O/our "settling back into O/our routine."

W/we both remarked with some amazement that O/our four-year anniversary was coming up on October 1st. He also reminded me, with a wicked smile, that October was "pumpkin time" again. For the past two years, He's made me endure the humiliation and discomfort of mounting and fucking a large pumpkin with a long stem. He loves to have others watch that as i strain to please His perversion. Aint tradition grand? Just like that green bean casserole you just have to have every Thanksgiving. *chuckles* i'd already pictured myself with flushed cheeks at the pumpkin lot, trying to pick out my "lover".

Word to the wise: When fucking a pumpkin, be sure to use one or two condoms over the stem. Not only is the stem very scratchy, but who wants to take a chance of giving birth months later to a crop of gourds?

Master rubbed my shoulders and ran His hands over my back as He sat at the table. He was petting His pet. "Ohhhh Masterrrr, that feels so good. You're actually doing something to me that doesn't hurt. Mmmm, nice", i sighed. It was nice, yes.

i became conscious of the time, and knew that both He and i had to get back to work. He always has a packed day, and i had to get back to the customer in my voicemail. "What are You still doing here?" i said, after it had been awhile since He'd finished eating.

"You tryin' to get rid of Me?", He quipped?

"Oh no, Master, i just know that You have other things to do." And He did, so He rose and went into the living room. i followed Him and helped Him dress, while on my knees. He bent over to my raised face and kissed my mouth, and told me that He loved me.

"Oh thank You, Master!" i was ebullient.

i watched Him walk down my sidewalk, through the plexiglass of the storm door, like i always do, on my knees; just like a dog does when her Master leaves. my heart was filled with happiness, and i knew i'd have the strength to be strong and handle life's curveballs until i saw Him again.

i love You too, Master.
















9/1/2009 10:47:35 AM

September 1, 2009

This past Saturday night at the Phoenix Club was a learning experience. i now know that nylon stockings are super-conductors of violet wands. Chained to a cross, i never knew i could River Dance.

More about this, and more, later. *WEG*
When i posted my brief entry above, i only had a short time to update my journal. Seems like there's always something, or Someone, to do. i'm sitting here now, in my black fuzzy slippers, close to midnight, after gathering self-discipline to focus on writing and not spend my free time in the chat rooms, soooo...

A Medical Night at the Phoenix Club.. The Details
(August 29, 2009)

i'd been pondering visiting the Phoenix Club this weekend, but wasn't sure if i was going to attend, until i got a letter from a well-experienced Dom in Ocala, Who asked me if i wanted to play. Oooooo catnip! Meowww. He has a slave, and T/they were both going to be there on Saturday night. After hearing about His list of toys and joys, my mouth began to water.

Although i feel secure playing with new Doms in the clubs, because there are people around, and Dungeon Monitors, i still asked my friend Sir Paul if He wanted to go. W/we regularly attend things together anyway, because He lives close to me and doesn't drive, and i knew He'd also be my "body guard". i wasn't scared, but had butterflies, knowing i'd probably be doing things i hadn't tried before. The Dom, "S.K", had a violet wand (which i have tried in the past and enjoyed), and also had interest in doing a medical scene. He mentioned saline injections and urethral sounds in His email. Oh my. i imagined it as the "scariest Pap smear ever", and my fear propelled me forward.

When Sir Paul and i got there, S.K. and His lovely slave "b" were there, and recognized me from my profile pic. W/we went through the intros and planned O/our scene. There's a padded table at the Club, with a "T" bar at the head, and knee- or foot-rests below the front. It's comfortable, and allows a sub to be positioned and bound in many ways. That was the intended setting, but the table was in use at the moment by another couple. i chatted with Sir Paul and other people in the meantime. S.K. and b had already been to a play party, and He showed me the needle-corset in her back. Wow. However, T/they were ripe and ready for more. S.K. tied b to a large framework in the center of the play area and proceeded to enjoy her. From her reactions, she enjoyed her Master equally, as well. i suppressed envy, and admired the scene.

i'm not one for sitting around at a dungeon, and get itchy watching O/other's play. Sir Paul was content in observing and waiting, but i volunteered myself to another Dom acquaintance, with Whom i've scened before. "L" He's single, so if i'm not doing anything at a party, i've told Him before that i'd be happy to offer my ass. He also has a nice toy bag. The couple using the table had finished up, but S.K. and b were now deep into T/their O/own scene, so "L" and i decided to make use of it.

"L" and i have a running joke about my safeword, because one time when playing at Lifestyle Explorers with Him and another Dom, He surprised my already red and sensitive ass with a jolt from an electric fly swatter. Because i'm not His sub and can be more "casual" with Him, my reaction to the intensity of the zap was to grit my teeth and turn around on the kneeler and say "L___, i'm gonna kick Your asssss!" That joke carried on to a Phoenix Club party months later, where again i was with L and another Dom, on a kneeler again, and L warned the other Dom that i might "kick Their asses". i'm SO slavelike, aint i? With that in mind, to "safeguard" Himself from my "wrath", L had me kneeling over the padded table and secured my cuffed wrists to the T-bar to keep me in place. He turned to another Dom observing and said "her safeword is 'i'm gonna kick Your ass' " It was amusing.

L worked on me with a nice variety of whacking instruments, ranging from floggers, a dragon's tail, a single tail, and paddles, down to a spatula purchased at Ikea. i've seen Someone else with the same instrument, and He said He truly believes that Ikea has sold more of those metal spatulas to kinksters than to cooks. He's probably right. L worked on my sensitive shoulders and made me wince with each impact of a new toy, and traveled down my butt, and back up again. While He was doing so, i often turned my head to the right to see S.K. tormenting and pleasuring b with some very hard discipline. i heard her gasp "Master" many times as her body writhed and she lifted her feet off the floor. He was working her hard, and i admired her endurance, especially considering she had already played earlier and had a series of needles in her back skin. A damn good slave there. When L had finished with me, as He saw that S.K. and b had completed T/their scene, my ass was quite warmed up. For the record, i did not resort to my ass-kicking threat, and took everything He gave me like a good girl. Thank You, Sir.

i took a brief break to recoup, and S.K. and b had moved on to the St. Andrew's cross, where He began using the violet wand on her. Ooooo, i wanted that. i was back to sitting with Sir Paul. In the time overlap, another couple had gained use of the table, and S.K. approached me and asked if i wanted to try out the wand while W/we were waiting. b was having a hard time enduring it because she was super-endorphined from the earlier scening. You don't have to ask me twice if i want to do electro-play. i'm a Watt 'Ho. "Oh yes, Sir!" was my response.

He asked me to take off all of my clothes, but i preferred to leave my shoes and thigh-highs on. One, because the buckle of my brand new shoe had broken earlier and i had to fix it to fasten it and i feared i'd never get them back on later, and two, because i'm awful self-conscious of my inner thighs. i know, slaves aren't supposed to have vanity, but since i'm not owned, i sometimes express my preferences. i feel better in front of people having my fat thighs encased in some kind of coverage. Sir K didn't have a problem with it, but wasn't sure how the violet wand would affect them.

Well, i sure found out soon. my wrists were buckled into cuffs on the cross, and as Sir Paul observed from the nearby couch to make sure i was o.k., S.K. expertly ran that wand, with a variety of evil attachments, over my bare skin. i moaned and gasped and writhed with pain and ecstasy. He touched my dangling nipple-ring jewelry and i can best describe my sound as "Whooooooooo!!!!!" That was intense. When He got down to my stockings... oh Lord!... that's when the River Dance started. It seemed like the nylon just spread the electricity in waves over my skin. Oh gosh, i wish i could describe it better. It was divine torture. S.K. was delighted by my reaction, and said to b, "Oh look, W/we've got her dancing now." i could feel my eyes change expression in the interim between S.K.'s changing wand attachments, as i hung there and looked at Sir Paul. They felt glassy and distant. This may sound strange, but one can't control one's random thoughts, and in my mind, i was remembering a scene near the end of the 70's movie "Carrie", where Carrie's telepathically caused kitchen knives and sharp tools to "crucify" her mother, who was trying to kill her. i distinctly remember her mother's face and sounds as she hung arms-spread in a doorway, a knife securing each palm to the door frame. As more knives flew into her body and she finally died, her moans of agony ceased, her head dropped to one side, and her still-open eyes reflected a glow of divine peace, which the camera likened to the expression on the face of Jesus on a crucifixion statue in the room. i "felt" that in my own eyes as i also hung there. It was a profound moment.

my breathing was becoming panting, and i was beginning to be in my own world, but not a world removed from every sensation of that wand. my moans and grunts became louder, and then S.K. decided to try the wand on my pussy. i don't know why, but when my pussy is being flogged or tortured, sometimes my involuntary reaction is to laugh hysterically. It's kind of like when you stub your toe and it hurts so bad that you laugh. Here i was now, feeling jolts in my nether regions, laughing like crazy. i told S.K, "Sir, i'm not mocking You! i just can't help it." He didn't mind. Another Dom doing a scene nearby looked at me like "What the hell?", but i didn't care. i was there to play just like He was. my reactions weren't staged, and too bad if i'm loud. Blame the wand.

S.K. had obviously paid careful attention to my "likes" list on Collarme, because He then said "I see that you like blindfolds and gags". my stomach fluttered with want. He asked b to fetch the implements, and soon i was blinded and ball-gagged. i felt totally helpless now, and weakened from sensations, and i leaned forward until my forehead touched S.K.'s chest. It was deeply submissive gesture, like "bonding", and was all i could do. i had no voice. He continued, and i moaned and rasped through the holes in the ball gag. S.K. traveled over my belly, chest, arms, legs and even my face with the wand's attachments. He had a particularly evil little thimble, with two stiff wires jutting out, which made the wand's patterns feel almost like cutting. At times, during my "dancing", i rocked the cross so hard that Sir Paul thought i was going to tip it over. It was, by far, the best violet wand experience i'd ever had.

And it wasn't over. In O/our time using the cross, the padded table had finally become available. S.K. unhooked me, and led me blindly across the room while the couple at the table were removing T/their things and cleaning up. i followed tentatively as He led me like a guide dog. He planted me on a chair to wait. i wasn't in subspace, but i was definitely in "sub land" as i sat there blind, with dozens of people around me, pretty much naked, and helpless. After a few minutes, as S.K. and b became prepared for the medical scene, i gestured to Sir Paul and had to push the ball from my mouth with my tongue to tell Him i needed to use the bathroom before W/we began. He un-blindfolded me and with the gag hanging around my neck, i used the facilities to freshen up the area i knew would be the focus of the next event.

i returned to take my place on the table, and noticed that S.K. had put on a doctor's white coat. Nice accessory. He was definitely into it. b would be His nurse assistant. Sir Paul aided T/them in positioning me on the table, but the padded surface was a little short, and with my ass at the very edge (just like the real gyno tells you to do), i had little support left beneath my head. Sir Paul is a big rope fan, so His job was to get me ready. He tied my hands together behind the vertical part of the T-bar, then hooked rope underneath the back of each of my knees. One leg, then the other, were pulled up and back, and secured to the horizontal part of the T. i was open and vulnerable. i was still able to see and speak during the preparations, but once the scene was ready to begin, my sight and voice were taken from me again, and the blindfold and gag were put back into place.

my heart pounded, my stomach twisted, and my breathing was long and heavy. b saw my head hanging back, and tried to put a folded towel under it, but there just wasn't enough space. Sir Paul volunteered to help hold my head, which made me more comfortable. i'm His sadist side was thrilled to be partaking in my torment.

i wish i could accurately chronicle the exam, but it was such an overload of sensations, combined with me being blind to seeing what was being used. i know S.K. began exploring my insides with a metal speculum, while b soothed me by rubbing my thigh. she was very nice, and i'd never scened with a female in a "Top" position before. she spoke to me to make sure i was ok, and i nodded. i felt the speculum opening me, and heard S.K. telling her to look at my nice pink cervix. i felt odd knowing that almost-strangers were viewing my most intimate area possible like someone would look at a painting in an art gallery.

S.K. had wanted to try saline injections in my pussy lips, which i feared, but had consented to, and i heard the three of T/them discussing it. However, it turned out that T/they did not have the proper kind of needle. i felt disappointed for S.K., and hoped He was enjoying me nonetheless. In the meantime, the violet wanding continued. S.K., and Sir Paul, tried out the different attachments, along with electrified knives, on my belly and inner thighs. i struggled in reaction, but held the ground of the wand in my hand faithfully through Their play. At times, to add "insult to injury", my arm would touch the vertical metal T-bar of the table, and i'd shock myself. i couldn't win. T/they found it funny. Evil bastards! Sir Paul shocked Himself a time or two by touching it, and i thought, "Good!".

Touching my clitoris with the thimble's wires was another amusement of Theirs. Holy mother of God! That makes a gal move.

i was still blind and only able to feel, and during the exam i could feel my pussy full with the speculum, but didn't realize exactly when they penetrated my urethra with a sound. Those things have always made me shiver when i've looked at them, and here i was unable to resist. The feeling in my vaginal area became overwhelming when they applied a vibrator to it, and if i'm accurate in my recounting, that's when my body rose to an orgasm. It was a major g-spot stimulation. i remember lifting my ass off the table as i climaxed. At some point, i heard and felt the speculum fall out of me, onto the hard floor. i heard Them say it had broken, and i felt bad, like it was my fault, but of course, it wasn't. Shit happens when your pussy is lubed to the max and you're being electrocuted and tortured with medical instruments.

Again, i do wish i could "play-by-play" the events in order, but i just can't. There was so much going on at one time. One thing i vividly remember, though, was the feeling of a very sharp pinch in my labia. my reaction was loud. i grabbed Sir Paul's shirt in a death-grip, as if to say "Help me!". i couldn't see, but i thought that S.K. had somehow been able to try the saline injection. i was relieved to have survived the sudden excruciating pain and thought it was over, when again i felt it again on the opposite side. i screamed so loudly that Sir Paul told me later that the people in the seating area looked to see "what the hell are They doing to her?" i didn't understand what the pain was from, and i didn't know if there'd be more of it. i was almost beyond my limit of endurance. my body involuntarily lifted, and i was breathing very hard. i didn't think i could take it. S.K. told me that He'd just stuck a needle through my pussy lips, from one side and through the other. my reaction prompted Him to give me a break and move on to other things.

At some time during the exam, the ball in my mouth became crooked in my struggling, and b removed it. i was then able to speak, and spoke to b about the needle. she was certainly aware of how they feel. As S.K. was doing something beyond my eyesight, b and i commiserated on the needles, and i told her over and over that i didn't want to be a wimp or be disappointing to Him. she assured me by rubbing my thigh and saying that i was not in any way being a disappointment, and said that her Master was enjoying it. And, although i thought i'd lose my mind a few minutes before with pain from that needle, i told her i was already thinking about trying another one.

SICK PUPPY. Call the asylum, please. 1-800-PAINSLUT.

i can't quite remember the exact ending point of the scene. It was getting quite late, and W/we were the only ones left at the club. Sir Perry, the club organizer, said W/we could take O/our time, but W/we didn't want to push it. People did have to go home, after all. After S.K. had gone through His stash of toys, removed the needle in my lower lips, and He and Sir Paul seemed satiated with wanding me, my blindfold was finally removed, and my legs and arms were released. When i was freed, i sat up groggily, couldn't really stand up, and just slid to the knee pads where my feet had been. i sat there for a few minutes to regain focus. i was happy that i had been pleasing, and had just gone through one of the most intense scenes i've had so far. i will not soon forget it.

Do you think it was over then? Nooooooo. i still had my play-partner Sir Paul to scene with. i'd feel bad if i just quit. Again, on shaky legs this time, i walked away fpr a brief break. Sir Paul told me later that my screams of agony on that table had pumped Him up, and by the time They'd finished, He was "ready". When i returned, looking used, i went right back to the scene of the crime. This time, i knelt on the knee pads and was belly-down on the table. Sir Paul proceeded to work on my ass with His array of floggers and toys. i can't tell how many there were, as i was in a weakened state by then and not taking mental notes. In summary, they hurt, but not as much as the dreaded bullwhip. When i heard Him crack that in the air behind me, i knew i was in for white-hot pain in a few seconds. And it found me, right across the side of one ass cheek. He hit me a few more times, and one strike of the whip hurt so much that i pushed back off the table, crying, put my feet onto the floor and tried to stand up. His hand quickly found the center of my back, and He firmly pushed me back down into position. A few more whip strikes satisfied His whipping urges, but He finished the scene by using His "favorite new toy", which is actually my own paddle that's made from an aluminum rectangle studded with very, very sharp points, mounted on an aluminum handle.  It's something i'm told is used in roofing, and is also very effective in making rows of holes on a person's butt. i had little blood drops decorating my skin when He finished. Because of His fondness for that implement, for awhile i've called Him "The Perforator".

i was thoroughly spent, but having no loving aftercare from a Master after a scene makes a girl have to be resilient on her own. W/we'd closed the Club, and i'd done the job of a good girl. i felt contentment, and fortitude, after what i'd been through. i looked weak, used, and happy.

It wasn't too long afterwards that W/we all decided to go to IHOP. i had no time to zone out, because i had to drive. It wasn't exactly easy, but i "sucked it up".

When Sir Paul and i were waiting outside to meet S.K. and b there (W/who turned out to be already inside), i sat on a metal bench with my fetish dress on: sleeveless, black with red flames, and too short. Completing the outfit were my thigh-highs and open-toed, black "stripper" platform heels, with red sequined flames on the sides. Two older men walked by, towards the entrance, and i caught one's eye staring at my "knees".  i opened them and quipped, "You like it?", and he said "Oh yeahhh". *chuckles* i love being naughty around the 'nillas. 

W/we all spent some good time talking and eating, while i was thinking about whether i was getting blood spots on the inside of my dress.

When i finally got home, close to 4 a.m., i hit the bed. Face down.

Just another night at the Phoenix Club. Wanna come? *smiles*












8/24/2009 2:03:29 PM


Last night i was watching a show, on the BBC Network, about men who buy these things called "Real Dolls", and have sex and live with them as they'd do with a genuine woman. The dolls are life-sized, personally-customizable replicas of dream-body women. i found it odd and curious, although understandable in the crazy world of fetishes. Everything's "normal" to someone out there.

i watched these men lovingly dress their "girls" to their own liking, groom them, make up their faces, style their hair, sleep with them, position them like robots and carry them around. What struck me was one man's remark about "why". He responded that real women can say "no" to sex. Having a woman who never resisted, objected, argued, talked back, put him down, etc., and would do anything he desired, was the attraction. He continued by saying, "You don't find that in real life."

"You do when you have a slave!", i remarked back. "And we can cook, too!", i reinforced.

i was, however, mysteriously drawn to the dolls' stoic faces as they were maneuvered into place, or hung by a hook from the ceiling to "stand". i was almost envious. They never said a word, never flinched, and never reacted with anything other than mute acceptance. i thought about my own experiences in trying to keep silent during discipline, having my body maneuvered at will, holding my tongue, obeying like a geisha, staying in position and being used at Another's whim. Looking into one doll's large, blank eyes, i felt eerily kindred to these toys.

*Turns around and checks my ass for a "Fisher Price" label*

Aww crap, it says "Play Dough Fun Factory"! Damn!

Oh well, *smiles*, i'm still sexier than a Slinky.




8/17/2009 9:44:56 AM
Monday, August 18

"Passion and Priest"

i'm still working on the "A Good Week" entry previous to this one, but i wanted to add a quick blurb about this past weekend. It was pretty rockin'. i hooked up with my "FWB" guy, Roy, on Friday night, at an inexpensive local motel. It was fun not having to worry about getting my kid out of the house for the night, and after quite a vigorous evening, which included an additional guest male, i enjoyed the hotel's pool the next afternoon. Of course, this was after Roy got His final shots at me. He'd held off cumming on Saturday night, so He was ripe n' ready to finish off His dick in the morning.  my thighs and arms were getting sore by the time He climaxed. Before W/we left, He "convinced" me to suck Him off again, too. It started with His hand in my hair.  i am glad He got to cum twice, though... to about my ten times. *chuckles*

i decided to make a mini-vacation out of it and stayed an additional night. Why go home, right?? To clean house, watch t.v. and fix meals for the throngs of teens that are always here?

Sunday night i went to see Judas Priest in Tampa. Yesss!! It's been a long time since i've been to a concert, but i couldn't miss this one. It was my sixth time seeing them. i'm 44, but still a headbanger inside. Rob Halford's voice was primo, and they put on a very good show. i got hopelessly lost on both my way there and on my way back, but i managed to use my insticts and finally found my way home after a tense journey.

i'm tired today and my voice is hoarse. Too much "livin' after midnight", i suppose. *smiles*

8/14/2009 12:24:02 PM

(Friday, August 14)

This journal entry is actually going to become part III of a story i’m still putting together, called, “A Good Week”. i started it when writing back to a slave girl friend i have through this site, in the UK. she’d recently been both nervous and excited about her Dom telling her He was going to make her wet herself. she asked me if it seemed strange that she was excited, but i said “No, it’s not strange. It’s about as ‘strange’ as my excitement knowing i’m going to see Satan tonight.“ i’d already had a weekend scening with three different Doms, and was adequately disciplined, but then on Monday, i got a call from my most beloved Master “Satan”. i almost couldn’t believe it. What timing. There was no way i could refuse, and didn’t want to, so He became “#4 in 3 days”. After reading the details of her experience in a messy bathtub,and having to go masturbate *chuckles* my post-orgasmic reply to my friend fleshed into a journal chapter, so i’m posting it below. i have "part I" written as well, but need to finish the middle days to finish the story first. i’m sorry if things are incomplete for now. It also probably needs some proof-reading, but i need to get ready for a big night with my FWB guy *weg* and don't have more time to mess with this at the moment.

Monday, August 10

“Going to see Doctor Dom at the HELLth Clinic” (“A Good Week, Part III”)

my time with "Satan" was quite interesting. For one thing, i hadn't seen Him in a long time, and for another, i was going to a medical clinic. Who knows what He had in mind?

i'd had to dress down a bit, not being able to enter "society" in the early evening dressed overtly for play. i wore a black, v-cut "cleavage dress", with my garter and thigh-highs beneath. i put on a black bustier, with red satin, vertical stripes, (kind of a French "can-can girl" look), with red bows at the base of the thin shoulder-straps. It had a matching black thong, trimmed in red. At the top of the back of the thong was a cute red bow. *smiles* i love to "dress". Matching my outfit were shiny, black 3-inch platform "stripper" stilletos, opened-toed, trimmed at the edges with red, and with red lacing on the instep, tied in a bow. my purple toenails showed a bit through the veil of my black stockings. my long nails make the thin strap of the shoes difficult to buckle, so (this is so bad), i had to ask my 16 year-old son to buckle them. (i thought, "my God, your son is buckling his mama's shoes so she can go out and be a slut. Erase erase erase thought!!")

i followed Master's directions to the clinic. He's there because He owns a company that does maintenance, and sometimes does jobs Himself if His employees are doing others. i'd written down what He'd said on the phone, but when i was implementing the directions, something seemed wrong. i called His cell number, and hearing His voice when He answered the phone was enough alone to swell my heart with devotion and love. i'd thought i was supposed to take the first left, but i'd misread what i wrote. i had to travel farther down to find my turn. He gently guided me while i drove, and did not mind my being panicky and feeling so "blonde" when driving in an unfamiliar area. He kindly offered to stay on the phone with me until i got there. i said He didn't have to do that, because i didn't want to take up His time, but He did anyway. i love when He cares for me like that. *smiles softly* i feel "safe". He stayed on the phone with me until i reached the rear parking lot. The last thing He said to me was, "When you come in, lock the door".

When i walked in through the back door i went through the break room and into the hallway. "Master?" i called out, and i heard Him say, "I'm in the doctor's office". i nervously walked down the hall, looking through the half-opened doors of dark rooms, until i got to the end. There He was, on my right, sitting in the doctor's expensive leather chair, naked, and slowly stroking His cock. my knees quivered immediately. i almost couldn't speak, but with trepidation in my voice, i managed to squeeze out, "Um, hi, Master". He returned my greeting in His low, sexy voice, not much above a whisper in volume. He had an evil look in His eyes already. "Hungry", i'd best describe it being. He could see my genuine fear. He fed off that. i gestured by starting to lift my dress, to see if He wanted me to take it off. "No", He said. He shook His head slightly. i faltered for a moment in confusion, because i had put on attractive undergarments, but i obeyed. i knew what to do next. i got down onto my knees between His legs. i felt His hand on my head, moving it down. i opened my mouth and tasted the sweetness of my most favorite, beloved dick in the world. i slid my lips and tongue over His cock head. Angels blew trumpets in my head and all was right with the world. Peace on Earth abounded in that moment. i moved my mouth downward, and sucked His cock like it was my lifeline, taking it down my throat repeatedly, until i was sometimes choking. i knew that was going to happen, and had used black liquid, non-waterproof eyeliner under the outer half of my lower lashes. For Him deliberately. i had no doubt i'd be crying, and knew it would run eventually; the makings of a "picture-perfect" used slut. He face-fucked me and used my head like a doll. Hard! i was damning myself for having gone out to dinner earlier, but i didn't know that He'd be summoning me that evening. It was difficult! my nose was running and stuffy, and now i had tears flowing down my cheeks. (A split-second thought flashed through my almost-disconnected consciousness: There's the "look" He loves...the eyeliner was working. i was sure i was a visibly pathetic mess now.) i actually started sobbing in the middle of it all, from both exertion and emotion. i'd missed Him so much. He loves when i cry in-scene, and that just spurned Him on. He quieted me by filling my mouth with His dick.

i worked fervently to please Him, and sometimes choked and gagged. The toes of my platform shoes clomped on the floor as i kicked while unable to breathe. That's become His signal that i'm close to passing out. i can't hold my breath for long. " 'Thanks', Philip Morris". i had to continuously fight to keep half-digested food down. It's not easy when your throat's being assaulted! i'll bet most of the Doms out there would gag on Their Own toothbrush if it just touched Their wisdom teeth. *wicked sisterly grin* i could taste stomach acid and fake crab meat right beneath my tonsils. (Chinese buffet-aftermath.) i coughed hard at one point, as my throat burned, to avoid the unfathomable disgrace of vomiting. i had to keep gasping for air and losing my "lip grip" (*smiles* no rhyme intended). i drooled heavily, wondering if my saliva was reaching the seat of the doctor's chair. i cried out in frustration, feeling inadequate, and mad that i'd eaten, saying "i'm a terrible cocksucker now!" He corrected me and squeezed my hair so my scalp was tight. "Your MY cocksucker. Now stop. you always make Me feel good."

i forgot my lament when i returned my mouth to His dick and heard the familiar sound of Him grabbing His belt. i heard the buckle rattle, and felt the movement go through His body as He must have been pulling it from the loops of His shorts next to Him on a table with one hand, while keeping the other in my hair. my body quivered. He began to rhythmically whip my back with the full length of the belt, while i kept my mouth busy. The impacts made me shudder inwardly, and moan onto His dick, but my thin dress offered my skin a little bit of protection.

He spoke to me in His hypnotic voice, telling me over and over to suck His cock, suck "my" cock, tell Him how much i want it, show Him how much i love it... "Thatttt's My cocksucking whore...." "Show Me how much You missed it..."

Now, i have no idea WHAT came over me then (i do tend to sometimes have these moments of insanity when i'm with a Dom). i must have been somehow feeling neglected because of the long time since i'd been able to see Him. i know.. "mistake". Alot of the problem is my own contribution, because my son is home from school right now and home all the time. But, apparently, some devil must have leaked into me, because in response to His request to show Him how much i missed it, i suddenly got "cheeky", as you'd say over there, took my mouth off His cock and replied into His crotch, "i didn't have time to miss it because i was sucking all those other dicks." i'd deliberately provoked Him to get a reaction. BAD slave!!

*gasp!* *laughs* i must be a real masochist.

He roughly pulled me closer to Him and looked me in the face. "WRONG answer."

He rapidly whipped my back much harder than He had been before, to dramatically remind me that my humor had not been appreciated.

Ouch. i kneel corrected, Master. i held Him close, with my cheek against His stomach, wincing.

"Stand up", He said. "Take your dress off and turn around."

"Oh crap", i thought. On shaky knees, i rose and followed His instruction. He moved me over a few feet until i was in front of a coffee table. Involuntarily, as His hand on my back signaled me to bend over and "assume the position", i began to wail loudly. i was definitely scared now. No dress to help me any more. No mercy from Satan, either. Don't even ask for that. i was hoping He’d see that i already had marks on my ass and spare me a bit. i asked Him if i still had a mark on my shoulder, and He fingered the thin cut-lines of the “P” that Sir Paul had carved into my skin with His knife on Saturday night. He made a “neutral” sound, “hmmf”, not really loving it, i suppose. i had one hand on the wooden tabletop and the other on a small pile of blue-foldered medical files. Even in my cloud of fear and impending doom, i had a flash of a thought about how "evil" and "naughty" this was, having my hand on some patient's medical history while i was about to be whipped with a belt.

And whipped i was. Hard; across an already-abused, marked and tender ass. Sir Paul. Big Daddy and "Paddler" had already left Their visible memories. This was my fourth Dom in three days, working on the same area. i screamed with each impact. It felt like a ribbon of fire each time. One of the swings caught me on the pussy, as my legs were spread apart exposing it. i yelped loudly and contorted. i desperately tried to behave and maintain my position. i thought momentarily about those slaves you read about in the books and on the websites that stoically remain in position and take every bit of discipline without response. Well fuck them! They're not human! This human screams, begs and twists, beyond her ability to maintain. i've contacted Jesus during some of my scenes and vehemently asked Him for help. *chuckles*

i cried out, "Master!! Ohhh Master! Oh God, please!!" i was fading fast, and begged after awhile of the assault, "Master please, pleeaaase, hold me!" The pain was so intense it was making me feel sick. i hated feeling "wimpy", but i didn't know how much longer i could last. i took a final crack of the belt and turned towards Him, quivering and crying, desperately clutching His body against mine, breathing in gasps, and finally feeling a safe respite. But, that respite was short. As He held me tightly against His body, He began swinging His belt again. This time the length covered the backs of my thighs. "Fresh flesh".

The lash bit my skin, over and over. Each sting reminded me of my purpose. slaves need to be disciplined. It's as simple as that. It keeps their minds "right", as my first Master had taught me. And they exist for a Sadist's enjoyment. i held my beloved Tormentor tightly, my nails clutching His back. They're acrylic (shhhh) so they don't leave scratches. That would be very wrong. i stamped my feet in place with each bite, and carefully avoided stepping on His. That would also not be good. my "fwb" guy, Roy, has already been a victim of my Frankenslut shoes.

i clung to Him in my heightened state of consciousness, and i so appreciated Him then for using me properly. i held Him tightly around His torso, and with my face against the hair of His chest, i freely admitted in a sigh, "I love You, Master". Whether i hoped it would soften Him and grant me mercy, or whether it was just an outburst of emotion didn't matter. Either way, it was true.

He took my hand in His, and led me to another room across the hall. my feet balked and froze with fear when i saw the exam table, covered in the traditional white paper. i was so scared then! But just one serious look from Him, and Him saying, "Come on", was enough for me to know that there was no way to resist. He pulled the lower drawer/step out from the table, so i could have assistance getting up onto it. i numbly followed suit. The table was flat, not raised as it sometimes is, and i laid back nervously. i heard Him pulling out the stirrups and inwardly tensed. His touch was gentle, but purposeful, as He took each of my ankles in hand and put my feet into the braces. It felt odd to me to be in a familiar position (after all, i'd had a kid and plenty of PAP smears) wearing stilletto heels. i secretly hoped that my legs and shoes looked sexy in that position. i always obsess about my appearance and desperately want to be appealing and provocative. Some websites i've visited have erotic stories insinuating that these kinds of thoughts are sinfully "prideful" of a slave, and improper. Well... i'm not a slave on those sites. Good for them who are so much like chattel! "Robots" for masturbation fantasies. It's likely fictional. i want to be attractive, and feel that it shows my Dom that i've made effort on His behalf.


Lying back obediently on the table, with my legs now open, i looked up at Him. my breathing was still erratic as i said, "What if i have a heart-attack?". "Then that would be a good way to go", was His reply. i braced myself and when He put on the latex gloves. my widened eyes conveyed my fear.

His fingers soon found me, and lubrication was not necessary. Because i'm 44, not 24, i humbly admit that i was not quite so wet on the outside, but was churning lava beneath the surface. He entered me with what i guessed was two fingers. my arms stretched languidly above my head on the flat table. my eyes closed, and i just “felt”. The latexed fingers entered me, maybe two at first--i couldn’t see and wasn’t looking--decidedly more afterwards. Maybe three, maybe four. i’ve never been full-on fisted. It’s either a curse or a blessing that among all the exaggerated size of this big chick, somehow i seem to have retained a tight pussy. It could be that “fat” is both outside and inside, and just like i sometimes accidentally bite the inside of my fat cheek when i’m talking, my pussy may be the same. i also wonder if it’s because i delivered my son by C-section. i’ve often joked in chat rooms, when the subject has turned to fisting, that “i didn’t even let my KID come out of there.”. Nonetheless, i was full of His fingers, and His rough hard jamming of them inside me was plenty enough to make me feel possessed by Him.

i was ready to cum in short time, and i gasped out, “Master, do i need permission to cum?” “No, baby, you just cum as you feel it....Come on now, cum for Me!”

Glory hallelujah!... i had my first orgasm. But, deliverance for my clit and hole was not found. He continued to stimulate me, and now the stimulus was heightened by raw nerves. i looked up at Him and said that my clit was sore now. Did He care? You can probably answer that by yourselves. No. He rubbed my clit some more, which was hard to tolerate. i asked Him to fuck me some more, and He told me to beg. i did. i begged Him, “Please, Master, fuck me with Your hand! Please put Your fingers inside me! Please let me feel You again! Please, please, Master.” Begging is not hard when a slave is sincere. His thumb found my clit again, quickly, and pressed hard on it me with that latex glove on. my clit still felt so sensitive. i almost instantly felt another G-spot squirt coming on again, and my body began to forget that my brain was the driver. Physical reaction was now involuntary, as i lifted my fat ass completely in the air and wrapped my legs around His upper body, cherishing every movement of those blessed fingers. i was almost turned upside-down now, bent like a croissant, on “auto-pilot”. He held one of my ankles back towards my head with His free hand. i came again, and again shortly afterwards, moaning out loud and with one leg partially wrapped around His upper body.

After i’d cum four times, i think, in foggy retrospect, He was finished with His “examination”. i was feeling warmed with afterglow, and said something like, “i should save those”, about the gloves. No sooner had i completed those words, than He had them off of His hands and stuffed into my mouth. That was unexpected. i looked up at Him with the “my own pussy-wet gloves” in my mouth and, of course, couldn’t speak. i could only communicate with my eyes, and with whimpers. He tried to pull my breasts out of my bustier, and i assisted in lowering it below them. He took a moment to pinch one nipple and “thwap” the other with His finger, like boys kick those little paper footballs across a school desk. Poinnng! It registered. He then squeezed my left breast as a reminder that He was being merciful and generous. He could have caused me so much more pain and discomfort, at His whim. my body shifted under His touch.

“I think You need to pay the doctor bill now”, He said. “This ‘Bill‘” (His name). i mutely nodded. “I think You have a cock to suck”, He added. i whimpered through my gagged mouth and nodded again. He removed the gloves from my mouth. i looked up at Him with stars in my cloudy eyes. He tucked the wet gloves into the cleavage of my bustier. i looked down at them. “Smooth move”, i complimented.

W/we had a moment of silence. O/our eyes locked. i looked up at Him adoringly and asked, “What are You looking at?”. Before He responded, i suggested His answer: “The most beautiful sight You’ve ever seen”. He smiled, slowly nodded and said “Yes“. i had to assume that staring down at a pliable, obedient, green-eyed blond that’d do just about anything sick, sexual, painful or just helpful that You commanded, must be pretty appealing.

i was right. *smiles*

i was feeling doe-eyed looking up at Him. i knew my pupils were dilated, and my eyes were moist. Pure adoration radiated from their windows. i breathed out, in a long whisper, “i love You”. i was in a sort of half-trance by then, brought on by both pain and unbridled pleasure.

“I love you too, baby”.

Glory. Happiness. Heaven.

“i trust You, Master. Completely”, i said next. He smiled, and was pleased in knowing that.

He took my hand to motion me to sit up on the table. He checked to make sure the little step was beneath my feet, as i carefully stepped down. i was feeling a little woozy. He looked at the shredded paper on the table, destroyed by sweat and slithering. i helped Him gather little pieces of paper, and He pulled on the roll to recover the table. Now He got up on to it. As i was taking my place between His legs He pointed to a stool that i could use. i pulled the little round stool into place and sat down. Because i was a bit lower than i needed to be i had to ask Him to move closer to the end of the table. We women are very familiar with that request. *chuckles* Shifting closer to me left Him no room on the table for His feet, so i placed one on each of my thighs. He was comfortable then.

my face was pretty much at dick-height now, and i took His cock in my hand and angled the head towards my lips. i was velvety soft at first, gently licking and caressing His cock as it grew under my attentions. i made love to His dick with my mouth, taking it in more deeply in successive strokes, and increasing my suction. i forced my head down until He filled my throat past my tonsils, and was airless. i held myself there and contracted my throat muscles rhythmically. It’s difficult, but i know He likes it, and i know He likes when i make myself uncomfortable to please Him. It shows effort beyond one’s own feelings.

He moaned and breathed in long sighs with pleasure. i love that. Audible clues that i was being a good girl. He spoke to me like He’d done earlier in the doctor’s office, reminding me that His was my favorite cock, and that i was “home”. He told me i loved that cock more than any others--it was my Master’s cock. Oh yes, Sir! He told me that none of the others made me feel like He did. He’s right.

He told me that He thinks about me sucking His cock every night. “Really, Master?“i asked.

“Oh yes”, He replied.

“If i could be with just You for the rest of my life, i would be happy, Sir.” i so wished i could really do that for Him.

As i deftly sucked Him, O/our hands touched. i laced my fingers through His, and felt such a profound, intimate connection flow between U/us then. i could feel the wedding band on His finger between mine, and i just didn’t care. It wasn’t my cross to bear. i continued worshipping His wonderful cock, and of course included His balls. i licked, kissed and gently sucked them, then moved my tongue beneath them and towards His ass. He lifted His legs to give me more access. He’d recently restricted me to only doing that for Him, and i’m in kind of a bit of trouble with that, being that i had done it on Sunday when i was with “P.J.” (name kept private). i’d been in a quandary, and had had a conflict in commands from Two. But, His decree of judgment on that would wait for another time. He was enjoying the pleasure of my tongue, kissing and probing His asshole while my hand stroked His shaft.

He told me, “Back to My dick now”, and my mouth returned on command. He was so close to cumming, and i exercised my every slavely effort. Tears formed in my eyes from the physical strain of swallowing Him. He stroked His cock with His hand to help me, and my tongue eagerly lapped at its tip. i tried hard, but He just wasn’t ready to climax. i was disappointed in myself, but He’s reminded me before that He‘s a lot older than me, and “things don’t always happen”. He told me i made Him feel fantastic every time. i was contented by that assurance. As long as He’s happy, i’m elated.

He sat up, sighing with pleasure, and probably some angst, knowing W/we’d have to go soon. i held His middle while i still sat on the stool. W/we talked a bit, and i began to cry from overwhelming love and emotion. i knew O/our time was already growing short, and i missed Him so awfully when He was apart from me. i shed tears, wishing things weren’t as they were all the time. He knew i was feeling sadness, and said “Talk to Me”. i didn’t look at Him, but just spilled words about how there’s nothing i can do about it, it will never change, it‘ll always be the same..... and that it was o.k.

He held me and soothed me, then got up to clear away the paper and any evidence of O/our liaison. i remained sitting on the stool and looked at the floor for tiny scraps. i was silent, watching Him and absorbing the evening’s events. my thoughts swirled. He hadn’t liked seeing me crying. When i said that i thought He did like that, He told me, “Not when you’re feeling sad. That’s different. I don’t ever want to see you feeling sad.“ His fingers gently touched my jaw. i sniffled. i felt quiet, and when He asked me about that, i told Him i just didn’t have any words. He looked “astonished” and said, “you?? Without words??“ i smiled weakly, then stood up and wiped off the stool’s cushion, imagining that somehow i may have left a “butt print” on it. When He’d gathered O/our trash i followed Him from the exam room, down the hallway and back to the break room.

i asked permission to sit at the table, and He allowed it. i felt a bit unslave-like when I asked Him if i could have some water from the cooler behind Him, but my legs felt heavy and tired now. When W/we are done scening, Master and i often interact more like friends and equals. i definitely don’t ever forget Who is in charge, but during “after-time”, i’m able to be more relaxed, humorous and casual. He, in turn, doesn’t like people waiting on Him and coddling Him, (but He does often indulge my compulsions to do that), so He didn’t mind filling the water cup for me.

W/we talked about recent events. i was saddened hearing about His father-in-law passing away. It hurt me to think of Master having unhappiness. i felt compassion for His wife, too. She was very close to her step-father. The old man had left a cassette tape behind, knowing he was nearing his death, thanking both of them for caring for him as they had. It was a bittersweet story about a man who’d lived a long life, but whose body was ready to rest.

W/we also spoke about what i’d recently been “up to”. i filled Master in on the last few days i’d had with “J.P.”, Sir Paul and Big Daddy, and about my “near-arrest” at the Oldsmar Flea Market. As much as Master envies the time Others have with me, He’s not jealous or restrictive. He knows it wouldn’t be fair for me to have to wait and wait for Him and structure my life in such a way. Other men fill my time, and a few Doms watch out for me and are friends. Master likes that i have Sir Paul in my life, because He’s a play partner for me at the dungeon parties, and also Someone in the Lifestyle to hang out with, or just talk to. He’s told me to thank Sir Paul for that. He’s also pleased that i have Roy, because honestly, i think Master would have His hands full trying to keep me fucked sufficiently. *chuckles*

In regard to the “Others”, Master emphasized that He knew that i felt differently for Him. He’s very right about that. He’s the only One i love. i told Him that i give others my body, but He gets my heart.

i drank another cup of cool water while He asked if i was sure how to get back from Tampa. i thought i probably did, yes, but then He said, “Come on, follow Me home.”

Oh gosh, Master, how i so wish that could be true, that i could follow You to where W/we lived together. To O/our home. But those thoughts need not be spoken.

i was thrilled to be driving behind Him. Again i felt “connected”, and i felt like He was caring for me by leading the way. It was a nice ride. The classic rock radio station was playing some good tunes, and i was energized listening to Quiet Riot. The next song came on, and Master and i’d reached an intersection where my direction was straight and His was right. i recited the words to the song, along with “The Scorpions”, as i watched Him turn away: “There’s no one like you.... I can’t wait for the nights with you... I imagine the things we’d do.... I just wanna be loved by you”.

Yes, Master. That just about says it all.

Until her next time with “Satan“, Your girl waits.










8/4/2009 9:27:24 AM

August 4, 2009

i'm currently still working on a journal entry about my birthday last month, but in logging on here the last few days and seeing the "profiles du jour" pop up, i felt compelled to comment:  How funny it is to read Doms' profiles that are specific about wanting an "attractive", "young", "proportionate", "thin", etc etc. submissive when many of Them have quite unattractive photos of Themselves. i don't judge by appearance, but if You're laying out these requirements, i must say that i've seen some fugly pictures of some of You.

Guys, if You're fishing for beauty, You'd better shape up Yourselves. i've seen very FEW "Fabios" on here. Take a reality pill, People. Look in Your OWN mirrors. Or... keep dreamin'.

And, thanks for the chuckles, because You do make me laugh. GOOD LUCK. Your "perfect submissive" may forever be Your left or right hand. In the meantime, i'm getting laid.

7/18/2009 12:48:25 PM
i love being a pet.  Collar me, leash me, cage me, let me lick Your hand. Buy me dog toys. Let me crawl to You. Own me. Keep me.

7/8/2009 9:28:14 PM

There's something about that feeling of dread
That goes right to my slavely head...
And when i'm holding that crop in my mouth
i can't help but tingle in regions "south".

6/27/2009 8:08:39 AM
June 27, 2009

i am absolutely thrilled that my "fwb" is coming over tonight. Glory glory hallelujah! i'm getting laid!!!  Since school is out for the summer, i've had my son (16) here constantly, and all his friends, too. Somehow, i ended up having the "cool house", and they all flock here. It's probably due to the techno, electronic, multi-media, Hard Rock 2, World of Warcraft paradise i and his father have created. i'm surprised there's not a cover charge to get into his bedroom.

And, the food. Believe me, i feed those boys. When it comes to feeding teens, i'm the "nachos-and-anything-else-either-deep-fried, made-with-hamburger-meat,-includes-mashed potatoes,-is-covered-with-cheese,-sandwiched-on-a-biscuit-or-ordered-on-the-phone-Queen" i know they worship the Goddess of this kitchen, and they're all real good kids, but still.... Go away!!!

my son's going to a friend's house tonight. Thank You, Jesus!! Besides having my brother in-house all week, visiting from Connecticut, and fixing my bathroom wall, i've had my kid's buddies here non-stop for weeks. i don't even know how many stayed over here without opening his bedroom door. (Being the true slave/hostess/awesome mom that i am, though, i will check soon, just so i'll know how many eggs i'll be making later when they arise from the crypt.) But, still, even though i do love them, i'm so glad someone else's mother will be hosting the hoard tonight. "Y'all been sucking up my food and generosity, now go somewhere else! Mama needs some action!"

i already told a few of them last night, when they were diving into wings and chicken alfredo pasta i got them from Pizza Hut, that my kid was shacking up somewhere else on Saturday night, even if i had to find an internet pedophile to send him a bus ticket. i then sighed, because he's 16, and getting a bit old to be appealing to predators.

*chuckles* Oh well, there's always the Asian black market. Time to Google.

6/27/2009 6:15:58 AM
June 27, 2009

i didn't follow up my last entry with the story of the weekend that followed, but trust me, Peeps, it was mighty mighty fun. i got mouth-fucked so much that my jaw hurt for two days, besides the jillion orgasms from being properly banged. God, i love my "FWB".

And, finally, tonight, after having family from Connecticut visiting me for the last week and a half, i'm seeing him again. Thank You, Jesus! i haven't been laid since the last time i saw him (June 13-14th) so i'm RIPE and ready!

6/25/2009 1:15:31 PM

June 11, 2009

"Flea Market Fling"

i came home tonight feeling giddy... and naughty.... and full of afterglow.

But, before i tell this tale, i must digress to some "background". i am fortunate to have what the singles' ads call an "FWB", aka a "Friend With Benefits". Following leaving my ex-"Master" last year, i jumped face-first into the hedonism i'd been missing with Him, and one night, single at a gathering at the local dungeon, i'd mentioned to a female acquaintance (quite bluntly) that "i need to get laid!". *chuckles* Then, lo and behold, she pointed to the guy next to her (apparently also her "fwb") and said to him, "Hey, she needs to get fucked". When he said "Really?" i felt that spreading my legs wide open to expose my crotch was a subtle indication.

Well, that was the beginning of a beeeeauuuutifullll friendship. He and i went into the private room in the back, and he laid down on the bed for some head. When i deftly deep-throated his ample cock, he gasped and said "Oh my God, no woman's ever done that to me before". i looked up from my duty, smiled slyly and said, "Well, that's because you've never been with The Princess Whore." (He told me later that when i spit out that name he immediately wanted to grab me and fuck me hard.) A great blowjob did lead to some mighty fine fucking, doggie-style. On the edge of the low bed i was on all-fours, with him standing behind me, and his hammering made me cum so hard i was on my feet by that point and almost pinned him against the wall behind his back. We were like animals! *laughs*

After a very satisfying romp, i went to clean up my "just been fucked"-look in the bathroom. Right before i entered the doorway, "R", my new friend, pointed to another guy, "P", and said to me, "Oh yeah, He wants to fuck you, too".

Well now! Who's luckier than me? *chuckling* i quickly fixed myself up and returned right back to the bed i'd just left for some time with "Dick #2". He was also magnificent, and gave me the bonus of spreading me open like a Thanksgiving turkey and giving me some good licking. That's a treat to a slave. *smiles* After awhile, "R" returned to the private room, and my wild sex-fest culminated in me being used "doubly". i sucked R's cock and had "P" behind me, working his dick-magic. Then they switched places. The play-by-play is really a blur, but i know W/we milked every minute out of the time left, and A/all ended the night smiling like fools.

Fast-forward through many incredible weekends with my new "FWB", up to present, and the "Flea Market Fling"...

i was planning on seeing my FWB this coming Saturday night, but in the meantime, i'd hooked him up with a Domme Who'd told me that She needed some good sex. He and She met up on this previous Tuesday night, but afterwards She commented to me that he was "too rough." Um...... ?? What??? Is that possible? Ok then, too rough for the Ma'am. *shrugs* He and i commiserated later and he said that he was barely giving Her a "3 out of 10" on the "rough scale", and if She ever saw us fucking She'd probably die. This is one reason we stick together and are so compatible. i am a mighty sturdy slave and i love the hard stuff, and this man can fuck, and fuck, and fuck, and fuck and FUCK.

Did i mention he can fuck?

Anyway, by Thursday, i was getting anxious waiting for my turn on Saturday, and he was horny and ready for some of "our" type of action. He texts me often on my cell phone with teasers like "My balls are full", "I need holes" and other enticements, and on this day he asked if i were up for a "quickie near his job". Being that i have my teen son home, out-of-school for the summer, and my friend lives quite a distance from me, hooking up somewhere near his workplace was the only option. i asked him to call me, and when he did, he told me he'd checked out the neighborhood around his office and found an ideal place--The Oldsmar Flea Market.

"Are you serious??" was pretty much my response, and he assured me he'd explored the landscape on his lunch break, and it was suitable. It's only open on weekends, so it was vacant today. It took very little persuasion to get me to say "yes". i'm a good subbie, after all. *grins*

We were to meet at 8:00. i dressed in as sexy an outfit as i could without attracting unneeded attention. It was still daylight, and i had to get out of the house with my son home. i put on my normal thigh-highs and garter belt, but threw my panties in my purse until later, and wore high heeled strappy sandals. i covered my lingerie with a simple short black dress, edged at the top and bottom with zebra print. i hope i looked cute, sexy and "accessible".

i left my house around 7:20. i was a tiny bit late arriving because i wasn't familiar with the area, but coordinating the location while driving and talking to him on my cell phone finally got me there.

It was a huge, empty space, with lots of closed buildings where the vendors' shops are. i needed some help trying to navigate around a chain blocking the driveway, but he coached me towards his vehicle, on his phone. It was kind of comical as we were both trying to bridge the impasse between us, being able to see each other's cars but me having to figure out how to be on the same side of the barrier. There was a dirt path which led around it, and after i found that, we both ended up at the very back of the lot, which was bordered by train tracks behind it, and next door to an office building. We maneuvered the vehicles to try to make a privacy shield from the main road, and got out of our cars.

i am pleased to say that his face showed approval when i stepped out. *smiles* i dress for my Men and live for Their satisfaction. i looked around nervously, especially realizing that since it was almost summer now, at 8 p.m. it's still very light outside. i looked at the building by me for security cameras and thought, "Oh well, if they have them, then some guard's gonna get an eyeful in a minute". i searched for "privacy" and saw a small concrete structure nearby, with skids leaning against it. i pictured fucking there, and suggested it, but he said ,"I work in that building right there". Oh myyyyy. That upped the naughty-factor even more. We imagined his new co-workers staring out the window while he was a bad boy getting laid right outside of his workplace.

Before i'd left, he'd texted me and asked if i "wanted to burn one" while we were fucking. So, dutifully, i'd brought a joint along with me. i lit it and tried to get a hit off of it to take the edge off my nervousness. Now if doing that, while scanning the horizon for approaching police vehicles, didn't bring me back to when i was like 19, i don't know what would. i barely had time to take a puff before he was bending me over the hood of my car, from the driver's fender side, and lifting my dress.

Simultaneously, as i thought about my "rear view" and said, "NOW where's your camera??" he was heading to his vehicle to get that very thing. He bent me over and told me to hold my ass cheeks apart for him, and took some photos. He then set the camera as best as he could on the seat of his car and hoped it was at the right angle to record a video. Unfortunately, later upon review, we found that it wasn't aimed properly, so...... i guess we'll have to try that again!

Lesson learned: Fucking on a car is only really fun if the car has been parked for awhile. That hood was HOT. Never mind the fact that it's FLORIDA to begin with. Hot hot hot.

But, i forgot about the heat as soon as i felt that meat slide into me. i groaned with pleasure. Oh glory. i grunted with each of his thrusts, and focused on the whole scenario: Bent over a car, in broad daylight, in public, getting fucked hard. Naughty! i loved it. He stopped for a moment and pulled out of me, because he thought he saw a car coming towards us, but it turned off in another direction. He re-entered me, and i was still trying to find a comfortable position leaning over the hot hood. i tried putting one knee up, near the side-view mirror. That didn't work well because i was trying to find some leverage with my hands and couldn't get a hand-hold on the inside of the hood edge, where it meets the windshield. i tried grabbing the wiper and almost pulled it off. Not a good idea! i remained on both feet, with my arms spread across the hood before me. He grabbed my hair and pulled my head back, and my noise increased. It didn't take long for me to cum hard on his cock. Immediately after i did, he turned me around and told me "Now suck off your juices". i bent over at the waist and sucked down his length, but needed a better angle. So, although i was wearing stockings, and was concerned about the rough asphalt below my feet, i carefully knelt on one knee and proceeded to deep-throat and lick his dick until he was clean. "i" tasted yummy on him.

Then, it was time for Round 2. Being that it was so hot, i tried to figure out a way to stay cool. It occurred to me that i could possibly benefit from my car's air conditioning, so i opened the door and bent over inside, over the driver's seat. i grabbed my keys from my purse on the seat and started the engine, turning on the A/C full-blast. He told me that it would just make us hotter, because the engine was now running, but i replied that "my front end is cool!", so he was fine with that. The A/C did help, but during that round of sex, the background "music" was "bing bing bing bing bing bing bing bing..." as the "door-open" alert chimed away. *laughs* i stopped hearing the bings when things culminated in mutual screaming when we both orgasmed,

Holy crap, that was good. He was spent, and so was i. He walked over to his vehicle to clean up a bit, while i turned and sat on the car seat and fished my underwear out of my purse. i did ask if i could put them on now, and he nodded. i was feeling kind of dazed.

One of the bonuses of going to the Oldsmar Flea Market was that Long John Silver's is right next door, and besides the excitement of the sex, i was thrilled that i'd be able to have those Lobster Bites they're featuring now. God, i love those! So, after he gave me a quick kiss, and told me, "I'm going to leave you like this now, filled with my cum; just a fuck-hole", and i weakly said "Cooool", i was following him out of the parking lot and heading over to get my next treat.

You know how they say you "got your brains fucked out"? Well, that's how i felt then. i was less than 10 minutes into afterglow and now driving my car. i got into the drive-thru line and, like a good mom, i thought of my forever-starving teen-ager at home and decided to pick him up something, too. i felt like a blithering idiot at the speaker, asking the woman at the window if they still had this "crunch wrap thing" my son loves. (It was also a Taco Bell). i found it on the menu, and ordered my Lobster Bites, making unnecessary conversation by telling her "i love those", and then asking "Where do i pay?"

"DUH, girl!", i inwardly cursed myself a moment later, "You pay at the window, fool!"

*laughing* i was very apparently "screwed stupid".

At the register window, feeling a man's cum seeping into the crotch of my underwear and combining with my own feminine juices, i gave the nice, wholesome and polite lady my money in exchange for my food bag. i had a "i've just done something bad" look i couldn't erase off of my face when she pleasantly said, "Have a good one!".

i looked at her, smiled like a Cheshire cat, and said, "Oh, i just did".

i laughed to myself most of the way home, each time i thought about how badly i'd behaved. Two orgasms and Lobster Bites. Does life get any better??

There's more than just bargains and antique cars to be found at the Oldsmar Flea Market. Come on down, Folks!

And..... Saturday with "R" is right around the corner. Mercy! It just never ends. *weg*

Life's too short to not be me.







6/16/2009 6:07:50 PM
June 16, 2009

"One Spent slut"

my gosh.... there's so much i want to put in here to keep up with the "diary", but i'd spend half the day, for weeks, writing. So... just a short note for now:

Tonight, reflecting on this past weekend, that made my jaw sore for days and my pussy needing to pray for Salvation, i concluded that Hedonism is my "crack". Every suck off that phallic pipe brings me deeper into a cumpulsory addiction.

Heh heh... no pun intended. (The smart folks will get it.)

5/7/2009 8:59:53 PM
May 7, 2009

My Freedom Anniversary!

Hooray! Today is my Freedom Anniversary. It's been one year since i left the constraints and collar of One Who proved to be no more than a liar and a sneak. A weak man. A mistake.

At first, i was heartbroken, yes. Any true slave living to serve her Master would feel devastated when that One failed her. It took awhile to adjust. i was a good slave, and my thoughts revolved around my service. It was like losing a job one loves.

But, fear not. "The Princess Whore" prevails. This girl did not pine away in an ivory tower.  In fact, this past year has been glorious. i've gone to new munches, been to "Thunder in the Mountains", met lots of new Doms and Lifestyle friends, joined the Tampa Bay Phoenix Club and am having so much fun at the parties W/we have, and gosh, so much more: The Woodshed, Sir Steffan's... and sex sex sex. *weg*

It's been wonderful!!  Having the courage to not abide a liar, and walking away into the unknown, was a catalyst to so many new adventures. i'd never have done so much with Him. Not even close. i've had more new play experiences and scenes than i can count, and have relished them all.

And did i mention the sex? *chuckle* Over this past year, besides all the incidental man-candy snacks,  i met my "friend with benefits", who rocks my world. Holy smokes, i've never had such good sex in my life, and trust me, i've had plenty. He is a very unique GEM. He just never stops. 16 orgasms in one day aint nothin' to sneeze at. And that was just one time. *winks* Gotta love that guy! i just had a major fuckfest with him (and another guy and girl) in "Whorelando" two weeks ago, and i'm planning to see him this weekend, too.

Today has left me weak, both mentally and physically. It was perfect. This morning, i saw my most Beloved; a TRUE Dom Who's stuck with me even throughout the travesty i was involved in with the "Ex". He has been awesome this past year, and remains a constant in my life. my #1: The one Man strong enough to rule me, without needing to shout, put on airs, make demands or have me sign contracts. i should have never put Him aside, and thank God He remained always near. i call Him "Satan" (for good reason!), and, of course, "Master". Those words are sweet, even in thought, as i recollect Him and the day's events. He administered such divine cruelty upon me that my girlie parts are still throbbing. It was so intense. But then again, every time with Him is. Oh, thank You, Sir! xoxo 

This evening was then a very enjoyable dinner at a seafood restaurant on the water, with a dear Dom Friend and Play Partner. He's great with rope bondage, knives and other implements, and tells me He just loves beating my ass. *smiles* i'd never have met Him either if i'd stayed collared. i'm now happily digesting perfect calamari, with a deep, soulful look in my eyes that speaks volumes of contentment and bliss.

And, i'm tired. i want to update my journal with more about today, and several other days, in fact (the fun times add up quickly), but Satan has left me weak, and the satisfying meal has made me drowsy. i'm actually kind of glad i don't have to do anything for anybody right now. i need a nap! *chuckles* i must be heading to bed.

But...i will smile as i drift off to sleep, knowing the slave-slut will serve again soon. And serve well. 

Happy Anniversary to me.  :)

5/6/2009 6:59:34 AM

May 6, 2009

This morning my day started with some Jehova's witnesses at my front door.

My simple answer:  "I don't want to be 'saved', I want to be spent."

5/3/2009 10:55:45 AM
Flake N' Fake Bulletin:

Note to fellow females:  "lookin4luv4ever", in Patchogue, NY has been reported to Collarme staff for an abusive message.

Anyone who puts others down is very obviously insecure about oneself. It just makes me laugh.

5/1/2009 3:17:37 PM

April 16, 2009

"Another day with Master...and Easter ham"

i hadn't seen my Beloved in over a week, and was so ready to serve Him again. i was excited for days beforehand. Easter weekend was fine and fun enough; i'd made a ham and the traditional accompaniments, and had a Dom friend over for dinner, but nothing would compare to seeing my Master. He'd called me the Friday before the holiday, to wish me a good one, and said "Save Me some ham". *chuckles* That Man does dig ham. "Absolutely, Master! That's a 'given'", was His slave's response. He didn't even have to ask me. my thoughts when i do anything are always of Him first. In fact, after my Friend, i, and my teen and his friends emaciated much of the ham on Easter, i baked an entire new one on Monday so i'd have plenty to give Him. There's no way i'm going to miss out on spoiling Him. He deserves it, and so much more, from me.

i woke early that morning to prepare myself, my house, and the food. i showered and shaved my girlie parts, and did my hair and makeup to look as beautiful as possible. i dressed in a black satin and lace chemise, garter and thigh-highs, and black-and-white high-heeled "stripper" shoes. Right before He arrived, i clipped a short, black leash to my collar.

my heart begins to quicken when i hear His truck in the driveway. The door opens, and i am presented to my Owner. i am on my knees, reverently, as i should be, with my arms outstretched and my forehead against the carpet. i know He is before me, but i do not look at Him. i want to, so much, but i want more to show my humility. i do not speak. The silence is thick as He approaches me. He picks up the end of my leash. i intake my breath. i raise onto straightened arms, onto all fours, with my head still low. i can only see His feet now. i inwardly soar as soon as His leg touches my body. i lean into Him, wedging between His legs like dogs do to show their affection. To me, these initial minutes of contact are of absolute purity. Without words, volumes are exchanged in moments. Finally, i whisper, "Massssterrrr".

"I missed you so much, baby", He replies.

He tugs upward on my leash, and i raise myself, still kneeling. i'm able to wrap my arms around His legs now, my face against His shorts. i look up at Him, silently, my eyes pleading. He knows what they're asking. He nods. my fingers fumble excitedly with His zipper, and i pull His cock out. i melt the moment i wrap my mouth around it. i am feasting on ambrosia.

"Ohhh, I missed you", He says again. He pets my hair. i'm thinking, "Of course. What man wouldn't miss this?" i suck His cock with love, and moan with pleasure. i'm "home" again.

i'm joyous, feeling His cock grow in my mouth. He steps away, and begins to remove His clothing. Like a humble servant, i help Him with His belt, remove His shoes and socks, and fold His shorts and shirt. He's naked now, and leads His pet to the couch and sits down. Again, like a loving dog, i lean against His legs. He begins hand-spanking me, and i emit small gasps or grunts with each stroke, murmuring contentment in between them. i begin to feel my excitement growing in response to His administering pain, and press closer into Him, with my chin coming to rest over His knee.

His fingers begin to stroke me from behind, and my legs automatically spread. He teases my slit and my clit, hearing me moan. His fingers then jam up inside me and i gasp. He adds a finger, or two--i cannot tell you how many--and the pain increases, along with my pleasure. His fingers lead me to Nirvana. my head leaves His lap and presses on the carpet so my ass is high in the air. i am becoming "lost" in abandon. He fucks me roughly with His hand until i am screaming.

"Come on, baby, cum for Me. Cum for me now, slut! Come on!"

Ohhhhh rapture! i cum so hard that i can feel my own wetness flooding my insides. i'm sure His fingers are soaked. i think He's going to stop, but He's not done using me yet. He continues to fuck my soaked pussy until again i'm contracting spasmodically on those blessed fingers. Oh joy oh joy oh joy.

i am blissful. i can feel the change in the look of my eyes. The "sparkles" are actually tangible. i am euphoric and full of endorphins. i feel "dopey" now.

i chuckle. He smiles. He knows i've cum well, and cum for Him, and not any other man in the Universe. Just for Him. He motions me to His cock, and lightly says, "Suck it". i'm still in my euphoric fog and involuntarily say "no", which amuses Him, because He knows how it goes: Suddenly, after having my own two orgasms, i'm not so frantically interested in doing that now. It seems selfish, but is only light-hearted.

"No???", He says, with mild, mock incredulity. "Did you forget whose neck that collar is around?" i'm looking directly at Him when He says that, and i feel a flood of warmth go through me. His gentle "reminder" that i am the slave was so profoundly effective that i can still feel it weeks later as i write this. "It's not around My neck, is it?". "Oh, no, Master." i blush. "you're the slave", He says, as He hooks His finger under my steel collar and tugs at it. "Oh yes, Master", i respond, nodding, my face flushed. At that moment, those are the most beautiful words i've ever heard myself saying. "Yes, Master."

i take my position and lower my head to worship Master's cock. It grows in my mouth, and as it does, His hand controls my head, forcing it down my throat. i try my best, but still choke and gag sometimes. He deliberately makes that happen, because He loves the look of my face when my eyes are tearing and my mouth is dripping saliva: A "well-used" whore's face. It's one of His major turn-on's.

i suck Him and He fucks my mouth at His whim, but His cell phone issues alerts which i know are distracting. i do not make Him cum, and i am disappointed in my performance. i express my angst at my failure. "Stop that!" He says. It's not you. I feel fantastic. you are always perfect."

After His phone broke O/our "moment", He raises Himself off the couch to use the bathroom. i quickly fetch Him a clean washcloth. He tells me to get the ham, and i proudly say, "Already done, Master". i'd pre-prepared mini ham sandwiches for Him, using those delicious little dinner rolls i always have at holiday time, with cheese and Miracle Whip. Exactly the way He likes it. He's pleased that i've already done this, and says "Beautiful!"

i am ebullient. There is no greater joy for me in this life than in making that Man happy. i live and die for it. When He acknowledges my efforts it's like winning a prize. i've done well. i mean something. i am something. i'm important. If You're a Dom reading this, remember this. Slaves live for praise. It's their absolute fulfillment. Your acknowledgement is their liqueur.

i know He has a very full schedule today, so i'm glad i saved time and had His food ready. When He sits down at the table, i proudly present Him with the ham sandwiches, and sink to the floor again while He eats. He compliments my cooking. i love that. i rest my head on His thigh and lick His cock intermittently, and hold His calf while He eats and W/we talk. After playing, W/we always return to a more "friends and lovers" stage, where W/we share stories of recent events in O/our lives, catch up, and laugh often. This time is golden.

When He has to go, i help Him dress. Doing that seems to be such an intimate gesture. Just tying His sneakers or buttoning His shirt seems like the most important job in the world to this slave. W/we are "connected" then.

i crawl and follow Him to the door, where He holds me tightly as i remain on my knees. "i love You, Master". "I love you, too, babygirl". "I'll miss You every day, and every night, and every moment in between", i tell Him, with my eyes closed, grasping those last few seconds of contact with my One.

He exits, and like i always do now, i watch Him like a pet, through the glass of the storm door, until He is gone.

Until next time, Master, my every heartbeat belongs to You.










4/28/2009 8:18:53 AM
April 28, 2009

i've just replied to an email from a Dom outside of my state. i'd like to post a portion of it here to give my general "answer" to those kinds of inquiries.

While i am flattered that You found me appealing,
i get alot of emails from Doms telling me how They'd be "the One" for me. However, i am doubtful. Often, it's because of simple geography. They're too far away to do anything much, and i won't be controlled from a distance. But, even locally, i've met many, and none are right for me. Finding a compatible match in vanilla life is hard enough, nevermind adding the "kink compatibility" factor. i doubt there's just one Who'd be my "Everything". i was collared once and that Dom failed miserably. So, instead, i've formed a "group" of Doms Who can fulfill different segments of my needs. i have a "Master" Who gives me my "love fix", a "Best Friend/Play Partner", a "friend with benefits", and a couple of secondaries (Ones i see on occasion due to distance), besides any incidental "slave gigs" or vanilla trysts that come my way. The sum of the parts has become pretty satisfactory and keeps me very busy. Since i left my Former, i am quite accustomed to my freedom, and don't think i can ever be exclusively owned again. To draw me away from the life i'm living now would be almost impossible. i'd die from restriction.

Trust me, i know it is hard for You to find that perfect person. i've abandoned my own ideas of finding a "One" and built a "pseudo-One" out of components, with the best part being that i'm ultimately in charge of what i do.

i'm a very feral whore.

4/24/2009 8:31:13 AM

April 2, 2009

"The Bad Schoolgirl"

Master called me on the phone that morning, on His way to an appointment, letting me know when He'd be here. i was giddy with anticipation, knowing i'd see my Beloved today. But i also felt i had some punishment coming to me. A few days beforehand, i'd misjudged Him and thought He'd forgotten to do something, and i was a bit resentful in an IM W/we'd exchanged. i had started out in the chat giving Him a bit of an ambivalent cold-shoulder, and then was mortified when i found out i was actually wrong. i'd made a mistake, and i'd "mistreated" Him. To Him, it was minor. He's laid-back and not huge on the Lifestyle protocols, so He understood. But, to me, it was punishable. i needed to be absolved. And W/we all know how "that" happens. He's never had to actually punish me for an offense before, because He tells me i'm always good and always perfect, but this time i really think it had to be done. i'd continue to curse myself inside if i didn't get the cleansing. i humbly asked Him afterwards if He'd correct me.

Being that i did have punishment coming, i figured i'd dress for the part. i chose a new outfit to entice His perversions.... a schoolgirl get-up, with a red plaid skirt with suspender straps, a see-through white blouse with a red bra exposed, thigh-high neutral stockings with a garter belt, white knee-highs with white bows on them, and my "doll shoes", black with little red bows and chunky high heels. i was "completed" with innocent dangling cherry earrings, softer makeup than normal, and my hair in two ponytails. my gosh, for a big chick, i was cute! *giggles*

After some flirty, sexy small-talk and finding out about His itinerary, i said, in a small voice, "Um, 'Daddy'.... i have just one thing to say..."

"Yessss?" His curiosity piqued.

Sounding remorseful: "Um, Your girl got in trouble in school today".

i could hear the intrigue and temptation building in His voice. i've never called Him 'Daddy' before, but i was working on the enhancement of the scene. "Oh really?", He said. "Well you just hang on and I'll be there to hear about it and take care of that."

my face flushed then.

"And Sir... i baked You a cherry pie".

"Hello, Heaven! A blowjob and pie? I'm going to float through My appointment." He couldn't have sounded happier. I told Him i was waiting for Him, and chuckled and said i'd probably play on my cam on Adult Friend Finder for a bit. "That's My girl", He said. "Drive the men crazy, babe. I'll be there soon."

i did fool around on AFF for a little while, on my cam and chatting in the chat room to pass time until He arrived. i wanted to test-drive my outfit. i did get some good commentary; although, ya know men will say anything to a girl if they want her to pull her tits out. i did think i looked cute though, but the suspender straps kept falling off my shoulders. i had just realized i could criss-cross them in the back, and had just unfastened the buttons when i heard Master's truck in my driveway. Dammit, of course He gets here right now, when i don't look perfect. i threw the straps back over my shoulders and looked the best that i could when He came in.

i'd exited quickly from the AFF chat and was still in my office chair at my desk when He approached me. "Hi, Masterrrrr!" i grinned brightly and wiggled with happiness, making my chair swivel back and forth.

"Niiiice outfit," He replied. i stood up when He was in front of me and barely finished saying, about the suspender straps, "i need You to help me with these", when He took hold of me. He ignored my frustration over my outfit not being perfect and immediately began questioning His bad girl about what had happened in school today.

"Now what did you do to get in trouble in school?"

i couldn't look at His face as i pressed against His body and said "i got in trouble for telling my music teacher he had a small dick."

"Oh really?? And how did you know that???"

Looking away, with my voice trailing off, i replied, "Because when he was fucking me in the band room i asked if he was using a violin bow".

i'd hoped He'd be amused by my creativity, but almost instantly, i was roughly turned around and His hand on my back pressed me to bend over. i shifted my chair to make room, and put my hands on the seat. i knew He was already pumped up from the phone conversation and was in "full-Dom-mode".

"You've been a bad girl! Getting in trouble in school!"

"Ohhhhhhh, i'm sorry, Masterrr! i'm sorry!" Of course, there was no pardon possible.

Whack! came His hand on my ass. Again, and again, and again. i was surprised how long He continued to spank me hard with His bare hand. i've said on many occasions that getting hit with Master's hand is like getting hit with a ham. i started to sniffle as genuine tears formed, and i continued to apologize for my behavior.

"Oh God, Master, i'm sorrrrrrrry. i won't do it again!"

No reprieve. Just new torment. Now, in between spanking my butt, His fingers were caressing me in that most specially wonderful area that all girls are happy to have. "Ohhhhh Masterrrrr."

He's been with me plenty long enough to know i like to get fucked, or have any type of penetration in my pussy. He knew exactly what He was doing to me as His fingers lightly touched my swelling clit and just barely touched me around my vagina. i was quivering with want. He'd get me heated up between my legs, then slap my ass hard to rivet home the excitement. Over and over He did this to me, while i tried desperately to get more penetration. i leaned hard back into Him, grunting, trying to ride His hand. i could barely stand the sensations much longer.

i begged, without shame or care, "Master, please, please...". i gasped, "Pleeeease let me fuck Your hand". i needed mercy!

my knees were caving in as i got lower, trying so hard to get any part of Him inside me. When He finally shoved several fingers roughly inside me, my mind hit a new plateau. Oh God oh God oh Goddd. Yessssssss.

With complete abandonment of my sensibilities i made every effort possible to fuck His fingers before the chance that He'd take them away. He wasn't gentle on me, as it seemed that He increased the number of fingers inside me. Now, three or four fingers may not seem like much to the fisting aficionados out there, but for me, it is. i've never been able to be fisted, although it's been unsuccessfully tried on me. i don't fight it because, truthfully, i'm glad something on me is actually still tight!

As He must have felt me clenching inside, getting close to cumming, (and my verbage was a good indicator, too), He again began to spank my butt hard. The pain rocketed to my pleasure sensors, and i was soon screaming "Oh yes, oh yesss, oh yess, pllllease don't stop, don't stop, yes, more, yes, Master, Masssterrrr...." i was practically in a squatting position when i felt my climax rock through me. It was so strong i could physically feel my wetness raining down onto His hand. Momentary chagrin passed through me, but i was too far gone into the sensation to really react with shame. It was so blessedly wonderful. i was weak and breathless afterwards, my thighs quivering and my pussy throbbing.

"Wait right there", He then said. i whimpered, but regained my position standing and bent over, holding onto the desk chair's arms. i looked back over my shoulder, nervously waiting for Him to return from my room. i knew that was where "the arsenal" was kept, and i dreaded seeing what He might return with.

He hadn't previously undressed, but when He returned He was naked, except for His sneakers. He was also holding a "slapper" and two other paddles. Oh gosh. In short time i was feeling the sting of the leather, metal-studded slapper, followed by the other implements. When each item was being used, He upped my humility a bit by resting the others on my back. i knew i'd better remain in position then. The slaps hurt my already- heated butt, and i squirmed as best as i could while maintaining my posture. i cried out "Master!" repeatedly, and was crying again, but it granted me no salvation.

When He'd satiated His desire to punish me, He turned me around and told me to suck His cock. Noooooo problem, Sir. i was glad to be sucking it by now. Anything to give my poor butt a rest. i was still feeling delirium from my orgasm, and from the endorphins that had kicked in during the discipline. i licked His cock and caressed it with my tongue, sucking it gently as it hardened. i'm so familiar with every square millimeter of its surface that i knew exactly how He liked it. i knew how to get it hard, and i knew how to please it. As His cock engorged, He grabbed my head and used my ponytails like two goat horns to slam my face into His body and force His cock length down my throat. At times He'd hold me in that position until my breath was gone and my feet began to kick the floor. Oh, how He does love to make my eyes tear and make me gag. He's always said, almost reverently, "Ohhhh, yes, that is sooooo hot."

i was urgently trying to please His cock when He said "Turn it on." i looked up at him, with my mouth full, and said the best version of "huh?" that i could vocalize. He turned His face towards my computer monitor and said, "your cam." i now knew that He meant that He wanted me on Adult Friend Finder. i moaned internally at the thought of people, with whom i'd possibly chatted in my regular rooms, seeing me do that. But, i obeyed. As i kept my mouth on His cock as much as possible, it seemed endless as i had to "click click click" the mouse through the different windows until the cam was initiated.

Once the cam light was on and i'd become public "property", i focused on my task. Knowing that men were watching me inspired Him to work me hard. He liked showing off His slut's ability to deep-throat and take it. The "audio feed" was on too, so whomever was watching could hear me gasping. He slapped my face a few times to make me concentrate and work harder, and i know He loved that. i wonder who else may have, too. i'll never know.

He pulled my head back, off His cock, and i was wide-eyed, panting and had saliva running down my chin. i looked up at Him, in my messy state, and ran my hands over His body, up to His chest, in a pose of submissive worship. "Master", was all that i said then, but my gaze spoke volumes.

He pulled me up from my knees and then turned me around. "Oh hell, He's going to beat me on my webcam". For some strange reason, this seemed more humiliating than the cock-sucking. Maybe because AFF's primarily a vanilla site, i felt like fodder for the voyeurs and looky-loos, being spanked and humiliated. It feels different when Lifestylers are watching, because T/they understand the dynamic and can appreciate the beauty of it. But to the 'nilla dudes, i was just some bad fat girl getting punished. He bent me over so my ass was facing my cam and my hands were on the couch behind my desk. He smacked me hard with those three paddles, until my eyes teared and i cried out, "Master, please! please!" Of course, it would be over when HE decided, not me.

He finally stopped and allowed me to turn off the cam, but in doing so, i first had to look into the lens with my tear-stained face, smudged lipstick and wrecked eye-makeup. If there was anyone out there like Master watching me, that must have been a money-shot.

He helped me up from the floor, and for a moment i wavered on shaky knees. my white knee-highs were sandy from kneeling on the endless silt that my dog keeps dragging into the house on his fur. my skirt straps never did get fastened, and they hung loosely towards the floor. my hair and make-up were trashed, too. my goodness, i must have looked "pretty".

But, apparently, i did to Him, because He smiled.

i composed myself, pulled the ponytail elastics out of my hair, and asked Him, "Master, would You like some pie now?" "Oh yeah!" was His reply. He's like a kid when it comes to things like that. When i told Him i had ice cream for it too i might as well have been telling Him He had a winning scratch-off ticket. *chuckles*. i cut Him a nice piece of the pie, which i'd baked myself the night before, complete with one of those lattice-crusts like your grandma made. i was proud of my efforts, and ebullient when He told me it was the best cherry pie He'd ever had. As He ate, i took my usual position between His legs, sitting on the floor. There were other dining chairs i could have sat on, but i don't feel natural around Him like that if i'm in my slave-girl mode. The floor is my place, and comforts me.

i stroked His legs, which i've always loved, softly caressing and petting His thighs. i licked His cock, because i can never get enough of that, and alternately rested my head on His lap and held His lower leg tightly. i never feel more safe and secure than in moments like those. All is "right".

When He was done eating, He dressed. W/we talked for a bit in the dining room, and as "friends" now, i did sit on the chair, but i asked permission first. He nodded, "Of course."

i thought He was heading off to His next appointment, and was surprised when He was in the living room area and told me "Come here, I want to beat you some more before I go." i looked at Him like, "Um, really??" "Come on," He said, "get on the ottoman." The ottoman in my living room is rectangular and large, and i inwardly call it the "punishment platform". i got into position on all fours, and as soon as He turned towards me my inner resolve must have vanished because i collapsed on my side, kind of "fetal-like", and said, involuntarily, "Ow". He looked at me and laughed and said, "I didn't even touch you yet and you're already saying 'ow'?! Get up."

i returned to "doggie style" on the ottoman and braced myself. He hit me hard with the slapper tool, until again i was breathing heavily, gasping and starting to cry. "Master, please, please..... i'll be good." i sniffled my nose and took it until He was finished. i turned my face towards Him and gave Him the exact reproachful look you'd get from a little girl who's angry she got punished. my eyes and my pout said it all.


He smiled as He headed nearer to the door. i knew He had to go back to work, so i slid off the ottoman onto the floor and crawled to Him. i love these moments, even though its bittersweet because He has to leave. i held His legs as i pressed my face against His body. i looked up at Him and said "Thank You for correcting me, Master. i love You. i'll miss You" .

i crawled and followed Him to the door, saying goodbye on my knees and watching Him walk down the sidewalk to the driveway. i sighed with contentment. i'd survived my punishment, i was forgiven, i'd pleased Him, and, well.... that orgasm wasn't too bad either. *winks*

Until next time, Sir. i'll be waiting.


















4/22/2009 3:03:22 PM

September 30, 2008

This entry precedes my more recent ones posted, but i've been behind in my journaling and in between current events i'd like to catch up some with past tales. 

"my Anniversary with Master.... or..... "The Crop Report".

October 1, 2008 marked 3 years since i'd met my most beloved One. Yes, in the interim, there was time when i was found and then collared by Another, but He respectfully took a step back and gave me the opportunity to enjoy what He felt was more of the full-time relationship that i deserved, but He never disappeared from my life. He was still there to help me when i needed "man-things" done at my house, and always had a sympathetic ear and loving hand to soothe me during times of stress with my new Owner. And now, the One Who'd so ceremoniously collared me, had me sign the slave contracts and property deed, and gloriously proclaimed Himself as a "Dom Master", is just a cloudy memory of a mistake, while a true Dom is still part of my existence. He's never had to posture, lecture me, beat protocols into my head, or "prove" Himself. He just "is". As it should be.

When speaking of Master, i often call Him "Satan", because my God is He EVIL. He excites me more intensely than any man i've known. my fear and desire make me breathless when He's here. He can be the most laid-back, affable, kind and friendly guy in the world, but then, in a moment, i can tell when "something's" crossed His mind because His face changes. i can see His jaw set and His eyes become cold, and from then on, it's "no-nonsense" time for this girl. He touches me and i quiver. Often, His strong hand will entwine around my throat, and i find myself pressed against the wall, overpowered by Him and helpless, listening to the words He whispers into my face as my knees grow weak. my eyes find it difficult to look into His, and they sometimes waver. He'll grab my face or slap it lightly to force me to look into His hypnotic gaze. He's often made me cum while standing there like that, with just His words alone.

Being that "Satan" is so evil and twisted, He's likely to use almost any object as a "pervertable", or as i say, "He'll just shove anything up there!". i knew that He liked using "non-traditional" items to enhance the kink, (and is a Man Who's made this girl fuck a long-stemmed pumpkin twice as a now-"annual" October event), so i figured that He'd enjoy tormenting His toy with some vegetables.

In preparation for O/our day, i shopped the produce aisle at Sweet Bay. my face felt hot as i tried to appear "normal" like the other customers. i always feel like "everyone knows". i appeared casual as i picked up a bunch of celery stalks, fat carrots, two different types of cucumbers, little yellow squash, zucchini, a Chinese "dicon radish" and even a pear. Well, its shape seemed evil.

W/we had to celebrate O/our day one day before the actual anniversary, because of His work schedule, so on the morning of September 30, i got myself ready. i was flushed with anticipation, excitement, love and fear. i was delighted to have a special lunch for Him today, of fresh fruit, chicken cordon bleu with Hollandaise sauce, crispy green bean "fries" and crinkle-cut honeyed carrots. The green beans and other foods sat ready, on top of the stove, waiting to be put into the oven later, and the already-prepared chicken was on a plate in the microwave. i'd showered, done my hair and make-up, and gotten dressed in a zip-up, short pvc vinyl dress, thigh-highs with a garter belt, and killer heels.

Normally, i'm on the floor when He walks in my front door, but i'd been occupied on the phone at my desk with a customer (working at home) and had just hung up when i heard the door open. i approached Him standing, and He smiled radiantly and said "Happy Anniversary, baby!" before engulfing me into His arms. i held tightly against Him and just breathed. Ohhh, Heaven. After a few moments of stroking my hair, reminiscing about how how much W/we'd been through, and softly kissing me, He turned U/us around, so my back was now facing a near wall. His hand grasped my neck as He backed me up into the corner by the front door. my heart pounded. He began to tighten His grip on my throat, and i began to sweat. my knees weakened as He began to speak to me, as He does, in a tone and cadence and words that go through my body, wrap around my insides and go straight to both my brain and my nether regions. He remarked on "three years", and how that first night was, when i "came to serve Him in the dark one night long ago", and how He'd whipped me with His belt. (Lord, that hurt! And like a stupid fuck i went back again. i must be sick.)  He reminded me that back then i'd never even conceived the thought  that this Man would someday come to own me. i had been involved with my first Master "way back when" i met Satan, but i wasn't aware that since the very first night W/we met, He was resolved to take me from Him. i remember occasions that He'd tell me, "I don't care about 'Lix' (my first Dom), or any of these other Doms you play with, you're MINE."  i was flattered that a man would so sentimentally reflect on O/our "early days" with such good memory, and at the same time, i felt myself sinking into a trance.

"I want you to cum for Me, right here, right now.... focus...", He said, with His hand still on my throat. i quivered, then whimpered and wiggled against the wall. His words actually do stimulate me without me even touching myself. i closed my eyes, which had begun to tear, and listened to His voice, soft, but firm, telling me how no matter who i played with, or who touched me, or who used me for service, that my heart always belonged to Him. "Focus baby... I'm right here. you're with your Master now. Cum for Me."

Oh gosh, i was very close to climaxing. But my body had broken into a sweat, even making my hands slippery. Because of that, a ring slipped off my finger and fell to the floor. It was a very sentimentally- valuable and irreplaceable piece of jewelry that my father had given to my mother, who gave it to me. i couldn't help but be more conscious of the possibility of He or i stepping on it with my platform shoes than of wanting to cum. i voiced my worry over my ring and He let me pick it up. That did, however, break O/our "moment" in the corner. But that was o.k. "Master, i have a present for You!"

Cheerfully, i took His hand in mine and led Him around the corner of the living room into my dining area, where i'd laid out all of the "produce" in a row on the table. my kitchen counter in my tiny house has one portion which juts out like a peninsula, and as i saw Him grin at the offerings, i hopped up onto the countertop, playfully opened my legs and said "Have at it, Master!" He was delighted at the prospect and wasted little time getting started. He stripped and hung His clothes on the dining room chair.

W/we took off my high heels so i could brace my feet more easily on the counter while i laid on my back. i can't say for certain which of the veggies He selected first, because i wasn't paying attention to my environment. i was focused more on sensation and getting through it. Everything was making me moan and scream loudly. i'm pretty sure at one point He used a piece of celery as a speculum and doubled-up on the vaginal penetration. i was gasping loudly with each of His forceful thrusts. The microwave oven was right behind my head, and during one moment, my head hit the buttons and i heard it go on. i twisted quickly so i could hit "clear" on the keypad and giggled that i almost accidentally heated His chicken up. The giggle was short-lived as He further fucked me with whatever His hand grabbed next. my orgasms were blurry, temporary reprieves from the torment.

my ass was also not forgotten, and after He'd satiated Himself with violating my pussy, He told me to flip over. "Oh no, i know what that means..."  i whimpered, but of course acquiesced, and in short time i don't know what kind of humiliation was going on back there as i felt a double-penetration of things that reaaaallllly don't belong in either of those holes. It was hard!  i was desperately thirsty by now, from gasping with my mouth wide open, and on my hands and knees like a dog on my countertop, with a vegetable up my butt and pussy (!). i tried to reach the sink faucet to get some water. i was able to turn it on, but i wasn't close enough to the dish drainer to grab a cup, so i tried with one hand under the running stream to get some wetness into my mouth. He saw what i was doing and walked around to the dish drainer and selected a cereal bowl, which He filled from the tap and placed under my face. i gratefully stuck my face into the water bowl and sucked in some hydration. i'd stopped even thinking about what i must have looked like in my present state.

He was done playing with me then, and due to movement, i'd dropped what was inside my pussy somewhere onto the floor. He'd ripped whatever He'd stuck up my ass out of me as well. i humbly, in kind of a daze, descended off the counter and surveyed the "remains". There were vegetables all over the floor. i picked them up and discarded them, and washed down the countertop with Clorox wipes.

Brightly, i said, "Do You want Your lunch now, Master?". He nodded, smiled, and said "Yes, please". Although He's used to doing much for Himself and doesn't like to be coddled, He knows i find joy in cooking for Him and feeding Him, and today was a special occasion, so i knew He was indulging me. i heated up the food, and while it was getting hot, W/we talked like friends and lovers about what was going on in O/our lives. When i had His meal prepared, i proudly served Him, then sat on the floor between His legs. i caressed Him as He ate, and reveled in His praise of the meal. Very soon, i couldn't resist sucking His cock while He dined. Now what man doesn't love that??? Food AND a blowjob. As Master often says to me, "Hello, Heaven".

That Tuesday was a work day for both of U/us, so, alas, things had to end soon afterwards. i had calls in my voicemail to return, and He runs His own business, so endlessly has phone calls, people to meet, employees to supervise, and more jobs to plan. He dressed as i diligently helped Him, buttoning His shirt and putting on His sneakers. W/we verbally expressed O/our love, and as always, i said "i'll miss You, Master". O/our separate lives make O/our time short, but it is golden. Always. Pristine, untouchable, untarnishable. i cherish every moment of it. When He left, i was kneeling at my front door like i usually am, watching Him walk away through the lower plexiglass, like my dog does when i leave.

The life of a pet. Always waiting for Master to return.

But, nonetheless, waiting with her tail wagging.



















3/24/2009 9:38:27 AM
March 24, 2009

It's been a long time since i've composed anything for my journal. i'm so far behind in "stories" since November, and even events previous to then, but i had to get re-started somewhere. i've just composed this email to a Dom with Whom i've been for over 3 years. Although He's not "full-time" in my life, and i have freedom to pursue my own ventures and relationships, He's undoubtedly the only One i call "Master". He sees inside me like Noone else i've ever known. He knows my "needs", and fulfills them. The premise behind the email is that He and i were chatting in IM for awhile yesterday, and the subject got around to a mention of a thought i've had in my mind of living with my fictional "Master" and having come home to Him after a night of being very naughty. Although in my original fantasy my Owner was pleased by His girl's exploits, in O/our IM cyber-script, in His version, He was very NOT pleased.

He told me after W/we chatted to go into my room and masturbate to the thoughts of the scene that He'd detailed, in which He angrily took my hair in hand and led me crawling to the bathroom for phase one of my "correction". i was told to email Him afterwards to tell of my experience. i thought the story was kinda kinky, and may be appreciated by O/others, so i copied my letter here.

Dear Master,
Please don't be mad that i wasn't able to send this earlier. After W/we chatted yesterday my phone rang, then my son started moaning for food, and i got involved in cooking for him and his pals, made brownies, cleaned the kitchen, did laundry, swept the floor and finally got into my room. Watched some t.v. and fell in and out of sleep afterwards. Around 3 a.m. i was able to do my assignment. i wanted to get up afterwards and write this to You, but i felt like i was drugged. A good orgasm can do that to ya.
What kills me is that You have such an innate understanding of the motivations of subs/slaves. You knew that the punishment You outlined would be horrifying, but both cleansing and bonding for me. Yes, You are very intuitive in that area; moreso than Anyone i know.
In the darkness and privacy of my room, i thought about the scene that You outlined, although in my original fantasy my "Master" was happy that His girl was so hungry for cock!  "He" was amused to hear what His dirty pet had found each night. Adding Your being angry about it amped up the fear and submission level to a great degree. You added a sharp edge.
Oh God, Master.... If You were truly that pissed at me i'd crumble and die on the spot.
i envisioned myself coming home, obviously having been sexually rampant. The look on my face would have said it all, but my touseled hair, rubbed off makeup and the run up my stocking would also speak volumes. You'd "know".
When i entered the threshold, i dropped to my knees and crawled to my Owner, as i'd usually do, although this crawl would be more of a hesitant "slink", because i knew i was in big trouble for being so wanton. Oh, Master, it's hard for me now to even write this because those feelings of shame and remorse are washing over me.
When i was within Your arm's length, i felt a handful of my hair tighten in Your hand. i braced myself for Your words, and they were not pretty.  i don't dare try to joke my way out of it. i'm doomed and must accept my fate. i should have known better!  Oh Master, i'm sorry sorry sorrrryyyy!
i'm praying inside as You roughly lead me to the bathroom.... my chamber of horrors. No, Master, please! my heart is pounding so hard now.  PLEASE, Master, not the toilet. You know i HATE that.
i continued to rub my clit as, in my mind, i tried to plead with You and saw You shoving my head down into the water. The feeling of humiliation and absolute repulsion was tangible, even safe at home in my bed. It sent a "wave" through me. You're right in knowing i'd accept my fate, and even sputtering and crying i'd desperately want to please Your cock and appease Your anger. Your words cut through me like knives as i try to salvage Your love.
i felt my desperation, and gratitude, as You turned my head and Your cock was shoved into my mouth. i felt my fingernails curl into Your skin as i clutched Your thighs. i felt myself gag and cough, drooling; my wet face, my eyes tearing, my nose running and my scalp tight as You gripped my hair. "Oh please God, i need Him to forgive me". i suck Your cock like it's my lifeline.
When i think it's over, worse comes.... You order me towards the living room, where the punishment platform is. Crawling there quickly, my head is reeling because i'm anxious to please You, and terrified at the same time. i know You mean business.
my hand shakes and my body shudders with stifled sobs as i have to select a paddle. i so much want to glance at You to catch Your eye and hope that You'll see my fear and repentance, but i dare not raise my head. i pick up the paddle, not by the handle, ever, as only a Dom does that, and give it to You blindly, just seeing Your hand take it from mine.
i remove my stained and wet outer clothing and quickly climb into position on the ottoman. i have only moments to prepare for my fate. You've never been known to be "delicate", and the first blow has me reeling and crying out. You warn me to shut up and take it.... after all, it was the whore in me that brought this all upon myself. i'm forcing You to have to work now to correct me. Shameful bad girl.
my head goes back and i take open-mouthed, heavy breaths as You continue to paddle me. With each impact i hear You tell me how bad i am, "what" i am, and what i need to do to prevent such action in the future. my tears flow and i sob openly as i reply over and over, "Yes, Master", "i'm sorry, Master", "i'll be good, Master", "Yes, ONLY with Your permission, Master" "i'm a slut, Master" ...... "Noooo, Master, i won't do it again, i won't, i wonnnnn't...."
That kind of machine gun-fire rapid "exchange" really affects me. i feel very helpless and submissive during those moments. Few in my life have been able to do that to me. You could, for sure. As i responded to Your words and felt the punishing blows, each one reminded me that it was Your love that made this necessary. i'd been bad and You had to fix me. Each new jolt of pain was You showing me that You cared, and each one made me fall deeper under Your dominance of this girl. i am helpless in the hands of my Keeper.
Thinking of this while masturbating fueled my inner being, but what made me cum were the "afterthoughts".  i extended the scene in my mind to my redemption, when my punishment phase was over. W/we were laying in bed, and You were behind me, holding me, talking to me. You emphasized that punishment is necessary to correct me. i was shivering from the residual stings on my body, and the recent memory of my bathroom experience, along with emotional exhaust. i responded with "Thank You, Master" each time, with sincere gratefulness that You'd taken Your time to show me the right way to behave. i loved You so much at that moment, and sighed as i felt sleep overtaking me....
But, as i felt my mind drifting, i also felt Your caresses intensify. Where moments before You'd been softly stroking my breast, Your hand became firm around it and Your fingers pinched my nipple until i squirmed. i felt You pressing harder against my back, and Your cock grew against me. Without an additional word Your hand pushed roughly against my shoulder and rolled me from my side onto my stomach. You slid over me and my ass automatically rose under Your body.  It was then that You proceeded to use YOUR whore's holes, and as You took me hard from behind, i grunted beneath You, hearing Your words; reminders of exactly WHO it was Who owned me, and Whose permission i'd need to ever feel sexual enjoyment again.
Picturing Your climax in me, followed by the thought of sleeping with You as i was filled with Your cum, got me close to cumming in the reality of my bed. But, what sent me over the brink were thoughts of my "future", days after the correction. i remembered this picture of a metal dental device that keeps a person's mouth wide open. i had a thought about You having other men before me, as i was unable to close my mouth. Wearing such a thing was humiliating enough, but i heard You say, "You're such a cumslut, well here's some cum for you, whore", and You sat back and watched with mirth at each man taking his turn jerking off just inches away from my face.  i had my hands cuffed behind me and was completely helpless and mortified as their hot ejaculate covered my lips and tongue. i could barely swallow, and drool and jizz dripped from my mouth onto my breasts and onto the floor. i was a sloppy mess feeling like only an orifice for others' pleasure. You stroked Your cock as You viewed Your girl crying while taking it all to please You.
That thought caused a final spark inside me that built rapidly. i actually had to focus on my inner female workings to prevent a release that would soak the comforter beneath me. i came very hard, and gasped "Thank You, Master" in the dark.
With that in mind, i say now, "Thank You, Master".
i hope You are pleased with my "report", Sir.
And yes, i would like to see You on Wednesday, although i know it will be bad for me.... i need to. Just to see Your face, if that's all. The need is stronger than my sensibilities.  Even if i never saw You again, You will undoubtedly always be "The One". You do own me.

11/26/2008 7:35:32 AM

November 26, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving, E/everyone...

Below is something i found online, or got in a FW'ed email a few years ago, which i've since read at the table before the holiday meal.  It reminds U/us of how lucky W/we really are:

If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something like the following:

There would be:

57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south.
8 Africans

52 would be female
48 would be male

70 would be non-white
30 would be white

70 would be non-Christian
30 would be Christian

89 would be heterosexual
11 would be homosexual

6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth and all 6 would be from the United States.

80 would live in substandard housing

70 would be unable to read

50 would suffer from malnutrition

1 would be near death; 1 would be near birth

1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education

1 would own a computer

When one considers our world from such a compressed perspective, the need for acceptance, understanding and education becomes glaringly apparent.

The following is also something to ponder...

If you woke up this morning with more health than are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week.

If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of are ahead of 500 million people in the world.

If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or are more blessed than three billion people in the world.

If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to are richer than 75% of this world.

If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace ... you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.

If your parents are still alive and still married ... you are very rare, even in the United States and Canada.

If you can read this message, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all.

10/25/2008 4:07:44 PM

October 21, 2008

"Whorelando Halloween Party"

This past weekend was all about going to "The Woodshed" and meeting P/people from the "Florida" Chat Room on i could not resist such a networking opportunity, and was dying to play in a dungeon on all that lovely equipment.

Am i glad i went.

There was a Halloween party (which i love) at "The Shed" on Saturday night (10/18). But, since i'd had found some potential play partners through putting out feelers, i figured i'd need two days to give fair time to Each. One Guy in particular seemed very nice, was experienced and was enthusiastic about "sharing" a slave, so i was turned-on by that. The objectification and helplessness of being given to Another makes me very hot. i'm fueled by the thought that the "Borrower" will tell my "Master" about how pleasing and well-behaved i was. i'd decided to go on Friday and meet Him at the hotel so W/we'd have some alone-time.

He talked to me on my cell phone for a good portion of my drive there, and was really looking forward to O/our mutual enjoyment. After finally getting there and bathing and changing into play clothes, i called Him to come over. The Safety Patrol may warn me about doing that, but i'd spent extensive hours on the phone with Him and knew He was a single father of a preteen girl. i could tell by His pictures of Him, and Him and her together, that He was an average-joe, good-dad type. Some people Y/you just know are nice. And a father who's world revolves around a hormonal young girl is usually pretty compassionate towards women.

my instincts were correct. i had realized i'd forgotten my hairbrush in hurrying to pack, and i'd asked if He'd be kind enough to pick one up on His way over to meet me. He arrived with two different ones, because He wanted to be sure to get the kind i needed. i tried to reimburse Him for them, but He refused. They were inexpensive, but it was nonetheless very thoughtful. He was also very pleased by my appearance, and told me more times than i can remember how beautiful i was. What big gal doesn't love that?? Good deal. He was a "romantic" Dom and kissed me with enthusiasm, touching me gently and seeming to "soak me in" with His eyes. i am no longer lovey at heart, but i endured His passionate appreciation of me.

i'd mentioned in a previous phone conversation that i had a portable spanking "horse" that actually i'd had folded and leaning against the wall in my room and no Dom had ever been creative enough to use it. He'd asked me to bring it along, and i did. Unloading my car, with the assistance of the hotel maintenance man, and two young men outside the hotel smoking and watching, was interesting. Being as unashamed as i am about being in the Lifestyle, i just said boldy, "Yes, it is a spanking bench. i'm just one of those KINKY chicks y'all hear about. And before the rumors start, no, i'm not a Dominatrix." That seemed quite satisfactory to the curious. *chuckling* i love shakin' up the nillas.

He unfolded the legs of the horse and set it up. It was a little low, because the Dom vendor that i'd purchased it from at Fetish Convention '05 had promised to send me leg extensions that He'd forgotten at home, but never did. (Grrr). Still, it was an enhancement to the furnishings of the hotel room.

W/we sat on the bed and i opened my portable bag of toys that i carry when i'm going to play and want to "grab and run". i'd also brought a larger tote with paddles and floggers and other "smackers". i had a decent assortment of torment instruments and sexual toys with me. i gave Him a quick overview of the different items and left the case unzipped on the bed. We talked, and the conversation led from more pedestrian subjects down the road to my (nipple) piercings. i showed Him my breasts, and the chain i often hook to the rings, which i had on the nightstand. He decided instead to not hook the pincher ends of the chain to the rings, but to my nipples instead. i submissively allowed Him to attach the "clamp". When i felt the immediate bite of pain, i went from superficially feeling the sensation of a man touching me to feeling a "swoon" in my brain. my eyes closed and my body moved automatically forward, as if for comfort from Him. i sighed and moaned into His shoulder. He attached the other end of the chain to my left nipple, and hooked the middle to my collar. i was already feeling the slave-trance. my mind had shifted. When He again kissed me deeply, i felt excitement inside.

With His hands on my upper arms, He had me stand up, then turned me towards the horse. i straddled it and leaned forward, carefully making sure my tits hung over each side to avoid further pain. He looked in the case and found a "bit gag" i'd picked up at a convention, which adds an extra layer of humiliation because it's a rubber dog bone with tethers on the sides. (WHY do i buy these things?!) He placed it in my mouth and i was reduced to lowly puppy-ness. It made me drool. Because the bench was low and i was wearing my 7 inch platform-heels, i had to spread my legs wide to have my feet on the floor and my stomach on the padded bar. Turns out that position probably gave Him an advantage.

He flogged me, and spanked me with some of the paddles, but did not focus on that too long because of the resonant sound it made in the hotel room. i wasn't paying attention to what He was next selecting, but realized soon enough that He found the bag of clothespins in the case. He liked my "rear-view" apparently, and proceeded to "decorate" it. i felt the bite of the pins one-by-one as He placed them on both my labia and around my asshole. Ouch, it's tender there, but i endured. He commented with approval on the sight. i was moaning, whining and watching my own drool descend to the floor as He moved the pins to differing locations. He was causing me pain, but was decent about it. It was a "first time" after all, and He's not a big Sadist. i'd say He's more sensual and sexual. But don't get me wrong, He was hurtin' me! When He placed clothespins on my thin inner labia i was making real dog sounds. "Yelps through a bone." Fortunately, He was kind when i begged, as well as i could form the words, for Him to please take those off. i could not last long with that intense pinch there.

When He removed all the pins, then the gag, i was able to get off the horse. One of the captive bead "diamond" charms that are in the center of my nipple rings fell off onto the carpet, probably because the chain hook had shifted off my nipple to pulling on the ring. Damn. i am constantly having to fix my rings lately. Too much playing with them. i put the bead onto the nightstand because it's a pain to try to reinsert and i'd deal with it in the morning. i'd probably have to call the hotel desk and ask for pliers.

On the bed, He kissed me some more, and things led to my servicing Him orally. He enjoyed it greatly, but wasn't wanting to cum, and after awhile had me stop and lay on my back. i knew from conversations that He was one of the more rare Doms that enjoy licking Their subs. Good for me! With my legs spread like a turkey and my shoes waving around in the air, i closed my eyes and drifted and moaned as He ravished my pussy with His tongue and fingers. That's a nice treat for a slave girl. i did cum, and later on returned the pleasure to Him.

It was cold in the room and W/we wanted to get warmer, so i, like a good slave girl should, took care of undressing the bed. W/we got under blankets and became more vanilla as He blissfully kissed and caressed me, telling me again how beautiful and wonderful i was. i could tell He'd been alone for awhile because of how it seemed He "absorbed" the feelings of having me in His arms. Like He was relishing it. He knows that i have a prostitute-mentality towards intimacy and asked me if i enjoyed Him kissing me. i casually, but light-heartedly, said "". Then He asked if i liked Him cuddling me, and i again cutely answered "no". It was more an amusing attest to my honesty than a turn-off, which is how i meant it. Didn't stop Him from continuing!

He fell asleep before me, as i'd gotten up after awhile to use the bathroom and returned to sit in a chair across the room. W/we'd conversed until i could tell He was tired, and i flipped through a magazine and was quiet so He could fall asleep. i'm not accustomed to having a man overnight, so i did my own thing for awhile until i was tired enough to sleep, then got into the bed. i guess you can't stomp the need for human contact completely out of a girl, because it was kind of nice having Someone hold me while i slept. i may be as tough as a cactus sometimes, but the next morning He told me He'd gotten up while i was sleeping, and when He got back into the bed behind me, He enjoyed that i automatically pushed my ass against His groin.

i got up early, got re-beautified, dressed and went downstairs to the hotel restaurant for coffee and breakfast. The selections were slim when i got there, but after i ate, i dutifully grabbed some biscuits and various toppings and brought them back with me so He'd have something to eat upon rising. He was still sleeping soundly when i returned. i was quietly sitting on the floor, looking through my suitcase for something, when i heard His voice behind me. He greeted me with an "Mmmm" and "Good morning, beautiful".

i was picking through my bag for something sexier to put on, and found my black cut-out bra. i pulled down my tank top's spaghetti straps and replaced the more pedestrian tit-sling with something to make a man happppyyy. When i turned around, kneeling, the reception was positive. *weg*. i looked my Guest in the eye and crawled towards the bed, keeping focused on His gaze. His hand was already on His cock as He watched me approach. i stood up at the edge of the bed and His hand soon reached between my legs. my legs automatically spread apart feeling a Dom's touch. His fingers found wonderful places in magical spaces that changed the expressions on both of O/our faces. Oh rapture. i put one foot up on the bed while He finger-fucked me and continued to stroke. Orgasms were mutual shortly afterwards.

"Real-life" hung in the air, so He reluctantly cleaned up and had to prepare to leave. While He was in the bathroom i dutifully prepared His biscuits at the small table. After He was finished eating, W/we talked for a bit, and He had to reluctantly go.

i did not mind, because my focus was now on Saturday's plan. The folks from the room were meeting at Denny's later. There was a pool party at 3 beforehand. i also thought i'd be meeting another Dom that day, but apparently miscommunication prevented that. i called Him when i was ready, but got a text back in reply saying He'd see me at The Shed. i sat on the bed reading that and said to myself, "Ooohhhhkayyy then. Hmmf". Big build-up to no result. *sigh*. i contented myself to knowing i'd been played with last night, and would play with this One later. He missed out on one sexy, willing pain-slut whore dressed in red with her tits out, though. Oh well....

Instead of the room-action, i napped, skipped the pool party, took my time, and got changed to go to Denny's. i'm glad i did, because i'd contemplated just being lazy and going to the dungeon that evening. But, i figured if i skipped the "meeting" i wouldn't know A/anyone from the group when i saw T/them.

Ms. Sue was the Organizer of getting U/us together, and She made sure i did not sit by myself. i was "ordered" to an empty seat next to Her husband, and across from a good-looking Dom. E/everyone at the gathering was so nice, and it's great to finally put faces to the names in the chat rooms--and see W/who's actually legit. i made sure, being i am in Marketing, to let it be known i was a single slave in search of spankings. The Dom across from me volunteered. (Yay!)

The second Dom i was to meet, "R", was at The Shed when i got there, but it was the One i'd met at Denny's Who greeted me almost immediately. To respect His privacy, i'll call Him "MJ". i was massively nerved out upon arrival. i'd had some trouble finding the place, and can't see well in the dark when driving, so by the time i got there, and was now surrounded by a crowd of strangers, i was wired. "MJ" did His best to put me at ease, not realizing that being close to a decent Dom makes me more skittish than ever. i explained that and He even volunteered to walk away, but i said i just needed to breathe, and to find this Dom "R". MJ knew of R, so He pointed Him out. Turns out i was practically staring at Him to begin with. i didn't recognize Him from His pic online. R's a good player, and had just finished caning a partner. she was obviously woozy and weak from subspacing and cumming (according to what i'd heard). MJ had His attention on her, and had His slave there, too. i did not want to intrude while He was occupied.

i took a place nearby R, and waited to see what W/we could do, but i could not help but be conscious of the fact that He seemed quite busy, and surrounded by women. i got antsy sitting on a spreader chair waiting to know what to do, so i politely excused myself and moved from R to MJ, Who seemed ready and willing to put some time in on me.

W/we did have to wait for an available "station", but MJ spent the time talking to me about what i liked, what i hoped for in a scene, what my limits were, and also telling me that i could ask Master Cecil, the Proprietor, for a "reference". i knew enough already to put my mind at ease. It was obvious MJ was a genuine Lifestyle Dom, was known by O/others, and was a club regular so, in this public setting full of spectators and Dungeon Masters, i was not needing more assurance.

After not too long, a sub and Dom were finished using an oversized, black leather "horse" (WAY better and bigger than my little one). MJ was very pro-active in His determination to get me used, and i admire that. He gets things done. *smiles*. One of the DM's moved the big horse over to a more convenient space in the crowded room so W/we'd have ample area. i was wiggling with happiness by now. R was sitting where i'd been sitting by Him earlier, directly in front of where my face would be pointed. He had a ring-side seat to my scene. i could see He approved of my look when i stripped off my pvc costume dress and got ready to session. i can't help but feel a rush when i know i've gained a Dom's attention. It's "affirming", especially to an insecure big girl.

In my list of "likes", when i was speaking to MJ earlier, i'd said "blindfolds, gags, bondage, being helpless...and preferring to be on a kneeler than standing for a long time in my shoes." He perfected the list by including all the elements. i'd brought my own "personal" toys in the bag i'd mentioned earlier, so i had a penis gag and a blindfold in there. How odd to be actively helping a man to gag me. (*chuckles* Strange what seems "normal" over time, huh?). He held up my hair while i fastened the velcro behind my head, then He helped me mount that huge horse. Once i was in place, the blindfold went on. "Goodbye, Cruel World". i leaned forward, and too bad He couldn't hear my heart thumping when i felt Him threading rope through the rings of my cuffs and fastening me to the horse's base. Oh joy oh joy oh joy.

MJ was quite adept at pacing His spankings. He started out slowly, then came close to my blind face near my ear and asked me if i'd reached certain numerical levels. A nod or a head shake was my reply. He alternated between "please God, help me" to "oh yes, that feels so good". i could not see His implements, but a wooden paddle was surely one of them, and a very soft pelt was another. There were moments of feeling that paddle progressively that made my legs bolt. my body shook in pain, but i did not give in. He'd "check" on me, ask me if i wanted Him to stop, and my reply was always negative. i was getting pretty limp and happy after some time, and He was laying into me "butt good". i let my mind wander to various places, including wondering if R was watching me and what He might have thought of it.

MJ continued His assault on my behind, when finally His voice in my ear said "W/we are done here now. you are bleeding". i nodded my head, and He unfastened me, which enabled me to remove my gag and blindfold. i asked Him if i really were bleeding, and He said that the skin on my rear was bleeding some. i said, "Really???? Cooooooooool."

His next remark was "you have one tough ass."

*giggles* He'd been putting His arm force into those blows, and i survived. Whewwww.

good girl!

After scening, then cleaning, W/we left the area to go relax. W/we watched a larger-sized girl get suspended upside-down, and i wanted to do that. MJ immediately inquired on my behalf, and Master Cecil said it would be no problem, but i'd need to have boots. Darn. But, ok, next time i'll know. i have a mission to return.

i was very attentive to MJ as W/we sat together, and He remarked at how i sat on the floor by His knee, instead of on the couch. It's in my nature to do that when i am with a Dom. He said "So, if there are like 20 chairs in a room you'd still sit on the floor?". "Yes, Sir", and i nodded. i do, of course, use furniture at times, but when i am in genuine slave-mode i really prefer to be "in my place". It gives me a feeling of comfort. The subject of my manicured, long nails came up, and i said that Doms enjoyed how they felt. i volunteered to show Him. He seemed to like that thought, and i got onto the arm of the couch, sitting behind Him as He removed His shirt. i spent good time running my nails all over His back, and neck, and scalp, and His enjoyment was evident---He asked if i wanted to go back to my room. "Ohhhh yessss, Sirrrrr."

W/we said O/our good-byes to the guests and returned back to the hotel. Because i feel that He is a Man of discretion, and i respect that, i'll remain reserved with the further details. i'll just say that He's a damn good kisser, i'm a damn good slave, and W/we both parted later feeling satisfied and lucky. *smiles*

This was a mighty fine weekend.

On the way home on Sunday, my ass burned on that car seat. When i got close to home, i bought a pumpkin from a lot selling them on the corner. This was a purchase made on "command" of my beloved Dom i call "Satan" (for good reason!) but, "Him" and "that" are going to be another story. i'm late to begin getting dressed for party at a different dungeon tonight, so i must wrap up my ramble and get to putting on the thigh-highs again...

Happy Halloween... and it aint even here yet. :)  i'm having more fun than a whole pillowcase full of Reeses'.













10/21/2008 6:51:35 AM
October 21, 2008

i'm working on writing about "Whorelando" and The Woodshed at the moment, but in the meantime...

Is Anybody going to Lifestyle Explorers for the Halloween party this weekend? i need a date!

10/20/2008 10:15:29 AM
October 20, 2008

Oh LORD, i am one spanked slave today. Back from "Whorelando" and well-used. my oh my. i want to write more about my weekend, but i'm hating sitting in this chair right now. my butt hurts!

10/17/2008 2:19:58 PM

October 17, 2008

Ok, enough mourning over my failures as a slave. Thanks go out to T/those W/who were kind enough to send me words of support and advice. It's truly appreciated, F/friends.  xoxo

i'm getting ready now to head to "Whorelando" to be there for The Woodshed's Halloween party tomorrow night. i was hoping i'd be going with Someone but...well, Y/y'all know how those things go. Y/you can never count on anything or A/anyone.

i kind of knew things were going to fall apart in the relationship i was working on, so i was smart enough to put out feelers awhile ago to find a Dom to play with me at the party. Turns out i landed an "Expert". He has a sub, but was nice enough to volunteer His services in case i was alone. i'll be a lucky, very-well "tanned" slave by Sunday. i'm looking forward to it. There's also a couple of Doms i know from online Who will be there, so i'm "bound to be bound". It pays to advertise.

i'm meeting a new Dom tonight, too, which is why i'm going to the hotel today instead of tomorrow. i'll be able to spend a whole night with a Dom, which is a rarity for this girl.  He seems very nice, and the best thing about Him is that He thinks i'm damn sexy. Kudos, Sir! Yay. Lord, please don't let the hallucinogens wear off too soon.

Pray for me, People!

10/17/2008 12:42:46 PM
"Excuse me, but is there a safe-word for Your personality?"

10/15/2008 11:38:23 PM
October 16, 2008

2:30 a.m.

Oh Lord, i have committed a cardinal sin. Tonight, i tried to hit a Dom. And i meant it. i didn't want to be punished, i didn't think i deserved it, and several times while i was being spanked and paddled OTK i rolled off His knee, out of position. Due to intermittent playing and the absence of my daily discipline, my pain tolerance has gotten low. When it became too much, my fury rose.

my days in the wild have ruined me. i've lost my slave-heart.

i don't even know what to call myself now.

i am bereft.

10/10/2008 9:20:52 AM

October 10, 2008

This has been a really rotten week, on a few levels. i'm having a hard time remaining positive, but T.G.I.F.

i've had a few disappointments recently, and i'm pretty let down by the whole "scene". It just seems like spinning my wheels in the mud and wasting my time. i'm pretty resigned to the fact that "all the good Ones are taken" and just Playboys remain. And since you'll never see this body in a centerfold, unless it's in "National Geographic", i'm not going to appeal to Them. i'll think i'll content myself with being a temporary toy. "Consistency" is nice, but never knowing one's next adventure also has its merits. It's certainly better than sitting in an ivory tower.

i've decided that this weekend i'm not going to do anything that involves men, sex or the Lifestyle. It's all i've been centered on for quite some time, and it hasn't gotten me much long-term satisfaction. So, at the moment, i'm eyeballing my Rolodex for the number of a charter fishing boat i've been on several times. i want to go fishing, and this time i'm not going to be the "bait".

i figure a lot of what i've done lately is metaphorically "fishing"--putting my line out and hoping a Dom will swim by. But, at least this time, if i catch anything, i'll actually be able to EAT it.

Today's conclusion: "Grouper is worth more than Men."

10/3/2008 8:55:12 AM

Free to Good Home

Offered by the A.S.P.C.A.--Available Slave Pet Collaring Agency

Recently rounded up in a Pasco County slave sweep. Older pet, but has puppy energy. 2007 slave model. Slightly used. Some visible wear. Blonde hair, green eyes. Large build, but nicely packaged for a big girl. Puts effort into presentation. Shows signs of mistrust, but has potential to flourish with proper guidance.

Desirable Features:

~Genuine and sincere Lifestyle submissive

~Responds well to commands

~Eagerness to learn proper behavior

~Highly motivated

~Extremely skilled in oral service

~Very humble under a genuine Dom

~Craves control

~Crawls willingly

~Loves being collared and leashed



~Very witty and entertaining

~Cooks well. Enjoys feeding Others

~Responds well to objectification

~Very playful

~Exhibits obedience and submissiveness openly

~Highly sociable. Enjoys public play

~Very fond of fetish wear, lingerie and sexy shoes. Large assortment included

~Performs well when being shared

~Possesses extensive toy collection and arsenal

~Self-supporting and independent

~Enjoys pain and fear when properly nurtured

~Geisha qualities. A true servant, gracious hostess and care-giver

~Formerly owned. Previously domesticated, chained and caged

~Easily customizable

~Very few hard limits

~Passed 2008 safety inspection

Undesirable Characteristics Include:



~wariness and trust issues


~scowling behind her Master's back


~excessive disciplinary requirements

~resists orgasm control and masturbates without permission

~dislikes being naked

~may verbally provoke a Dom during play, unless gagged

~tendencies to wander when un-stimulated or un-caged

~excessive sex drive

~very vocally responsive


~will resist a weak Dom and top from the bottom

~tendency to sometimes pee when cumming

~dislike of CNN, Fox News, MSNBC

~tendency to whine loudly during anal sex

WARNING: This pet has gone feral in the wild, and may bite under duress. May require strong re-training at the hands of a skilled Master. Not appropriate for a novice. Requires a clearly-established, highly-structured environment with hands-on conditioning. Will bore easily and needs supervision. May become non-responsive and recalcitrant when left idle.

The A.S.P.C.A. encourages interested Owners to Pre-Qualify. To avoid wasting the Agency's, and Your time, please review the following before inquiring:

~pet is a large one. Ranks 7 on St. Bernard scale. Must have a strong, well-built Handler.

~pet will not submit to ownership or obedience to a younger Master. Age 45 and up preferred.

~pet is 5' 5" when allowed to stand. Often wears 7" platform heels. Highly prefers a taller, larger Dominant.

~SINGLE Males only. No married men, players or collectors need apply.

~Must be intelligent and well-established in a career. Sense of humor a plus.

~Must be LOCAL

~Experience in genuine BDSM Lifestyle a MUST. Ability to live and interact in such a manner needed. Must enjoy socialization in BDSM Community events. Need for excessive discretion is undesirable.

~One slave/One Master. slave pet will not be adopted by Anyone seeking "poly". If this slave is not servile, engaging, sexual and enjoyable enough to please One on her own, He will not qualify. slave is amenable to Owner enjoying others as treats in a "party setting", but will absolutely not consider sharing her Owner with other slaves.

~NO SWITCHES. slave requires an absolute, hetero Dominant. A Dom's Dom.

~Having a Harley is a bonus.

~slave is attracted to evil imaginations. Sane Sadists will enjoy breaking her. she will cry, beg and shed genuine tears.

~slave requires attention, feedback and training. Interested Owners without enough time, without freedom from constraints, or having too much baggage need not apply.

~slave will not play with, or be owned by, Anyone Who drinks in excess.

SUMMARY: Owner Candidate must desire and have the ability to train a servile, humble and loving pet who enjoys crawling, kneeling, serving and being caged and bound. He must have a strong desire to apply bondage and constraints. He must desire a slave who requires discipline to keep her mind focused. He must enjoy being waited on and serviced, privately and publicly. He must enjoy playing, and be well-versed in a variety of methods. He must be creative and motivated to use this girl thoroughly. He must be highly sexual and prepared to manage an owned whore properly.

NOTE: This pet has gone feral due to time spent with an unsuitable Owner. she has little tolerance for fools, liars and game-players. her puppy nose smells bullshit a mile away. she is fully prepared to run away when disappointed or disillusioned. she will vehemently resist collaring. Only genuine Masters with very heavy chains should consider thoughts of caging this one again.





9/27/2008 3:38:28 AM

September 27, 2008

"Dreams of an Inner Basket-Case"

No need for A/anyone to read this entry. It's just me working through things. Therapy-writing in the middle of the night.

i stayed home tonight and was in my room by 8:00, watching t.v. Some time around 11 i fell asleep, but my sleep is always fractured and i wake up many times. i am up now at 3 a.m., because i had a nightmare about an impending flood, and trying to get away in time. i often see the ocean or water in my dreams, probably because i grew up on the beach in Connecticut, but it's always ominous and never pleasant. The water and the sky are always dark, and there's always some kind of panic involved.

One time, i remember this dream where i came out of a big white house and crossed a spacious, green front lawn, to the edge, where there was a drop down a sea wall, to the beach. i playfully jumped off the top of the wall onto the sand, which seemed pleasant at first, but then the horrible realization set in: i was now stuck against a 10-foot wall with the ocean in front of me, and the tide coming in. It was beginning to get dark, and the panic was riveting as i began running along the polished granite wall, which seemed not to have an end, and trying to find a spot where the beach got high enough to allow me to get up over the wall's top. It was so vivid, even now i can almost feel the wall's smooth surface, and i can still see the image of the ocean in my mind and the eerie lighting as darkness was setting in. i woke up just as i was finding myself in the dream somehow being able to get my hands over the top edge, clawing with my nails, snapping blades of grass above, trying to pull myself over. Dreams always lose their impact when they're being described. They seem more innocuous, and sometimes silly. But, this dream scared me so much that when i did open my eyes i spontaneously started sobbing. It's not the first time i've sat up in bed and started crying.

my dreams are almost never pleasant. i can recount a couple of exciting or glorious ones, but the vast majority always involve fear, panic or humiliation. There's always conflict, shame, turmoil or fleeing from something. The most prominent and recurring themes in my dreams are cemeteries, tornadoes and Halloween. i know, it sounds funny, but when you're "in" the dream it's a whole different scenario.

i have a profound fear of cemeteries; a phobia, actually. i'm 43 years old and have never been inside one, or even to a funeral home. i don't know why i'm so scared of them. Everyone i've told about it always says "Well nobody's gonna hurt you in there", but it's not amusing to me. Most of the time in my cemetery dreams i can't remember how i got inside one, but i suddenly find myself looking around me realizing there are headstones as far as i can see, in every direction. Trying to find my way out has felt almost heart-stopping. i've woken up and gasped, then felt relief when i could see my room's familiar surroundings. That's why i never sleep in complete darkness. There's always the t.v. or some kind of light on. i can't open my eyes in blackness, because then it won't take me out of where i "was".

Tornadoes have been in my dreams since i was about five years old. If i think for a moment, i could probably recount at least ten full-color, detailed scenarios of tornadoes i've seen in my dreams. Some are tall and skinny, others are broad and fat. Different lighting, different locations and different people are around me. Most of the time, i'm the one screaming to everyone else to get down into the basement to safety, but to my horror, nobody will listen to me. i'm crying and begging them to do something. The panic of me trying to get everyone downstairs is tangible. i know this sounds funny, too, but i blame my tornado dreams on "The Wizard of Oz". From the very first time i saw that one short shot of the cyclone in the distance, heading towards Dorothy's family's farm, that image was imprinted on my brain. The power of the cyclone was almost incomprehensible.

i was so scared of tornadoes afterwards, that when my mother used to leave the radio on softly while my brother and i slept, i'd always end up getting out of bed and turning it off. Why? Because my child mind convinced itself that at any moment, a "special report" was going to "interrupt this program" with the announcement that a tornado was heading my way. i know, wayyyy over-paranoid, but give me a break--i was a kid. As i got older, in grammar school, i used to read those "disaster preparedness" books, or books about storms and how they form, etc. i had to be ready "just in case". Even now, it weighs on my mind sometimes how utterly vulnerable i am in my tiny cinder-block house with no basement. If there's ever a tornado in Holiday, Florida (and there was one pretty close to me once), they'd probably find me afterwards sitting in a bathtub, with a can of white albacore tuna fish, a bottle of water and an Alaskan malamute/chow. Don't laugh. They do always say on the weather bulletins to have canned food and bottled water.

Oh yeah, i suppose my kid would have to be in the tub, too. Crap. He'd probably use me as a shield.

i know the tornado dreams started with the imprinted image of that cyclone on television, but i'm thinking that over the years they've represented inner turmoil, anger, fear or conflict. Just some amateur psychology there. Freud would probably say the funnel was a phallic symbol. Oh sure, a tornado's nothing more than a cumulonimbus with a hard-on! Look, the first three letters are "cum". Proof?! Um, i think maybe i'll stick with the turmoil theory.

Halloween has always been my favorite holiday, and it's just like my dreams to ruin something that gives me pleasure. That's a lot how i am in my conscious life. i mess things up deliberately if i seem too happy. i need to figure out how to not do that, and i have been working on it. In my Halloween dreams, the scenario is usually me suddenly realizing "Oh my God, Halloween is today and i don't even have a costume!". Later in life, me not having a costume in my dreams turned into my son not having one, and always winds up with me in panic, trying to assemble some kind of decent outfit. Again, i know this sounds silly, but the most mundane things can gain inordinate magnitude in a dream. i'm sure someone out there has had a "nightmare" about toast crumbs in the butter.

i'm feeling a little better now, having been awake long enough to shake the image of tonight's "flood". That dream involved me, my son and his father, and a friend of mine, grabbing things and piling into the car without an established escape plan--"Where are we gonna go? Where are we gonna go??? Just drive!! Hurry!" i can still see the ocean's choppy waves and feel the water that came much farther than normal over the land, and hit my feet. But the initial impact of waking up from it is diminished now. Writing this has worked me past the emotions.

i know dreams come from somewhere, so in my off-the-cuff Dr. Phil-ing, i'd say the "flood" probably represents men right now. Since i've been on this site in particular, and since i've left my Owner, it's been an almost constant stream of either visitors or contenders. i have emails and phone calls every single day from men either wanting to see me, or wanting me to write them back to "explore". Many of the emails are just nice "hellos" or "I like your pics" (Thanks, People!), but some of them do get to me inside. Most recently there are two Doms Who've written to me that have really gotten under my skin. Each of T/them has temptations that are almost too much for me to imagine in my life. Both involve relocating, which i'd thought was absolutely impossible, but now i'm thinking "you know, that could work". Both see value in me as a woman and a slave, and i'll admit, having Someone see value in me is needed nourishment to my self-esteem.

i spent two-and-a half hours on Thursday talking to a Dom on the phone, until my cell battery was warning me to plug it in. i found His words, His mannerisms, His control and His stories of how He'd lived with His former slave to be mesmerizing. i was so under His control after awhile in that conversation that when He calmly said "Kneel down, now", i instantly obeyed, even though i was sitting in daylight outside of my house in full view of the neighbors. He made me say out loud, until i said it with fortitude, "i have worth". my neighbor walked by in his yard and glanced at me quizzically, but i didn't care. i didn't change position until He told me to stand up again. my stomach was tight inside listening to Him detail some of how He and His slave interacted. Their M/s love seemed foreign to this outsider. T/their relationship was enviable, and so intimate i doubt many have felt such a connection with their own partners. ("True love is like ghosts, which many talk about, but few have seen"). i politely asked Him if it would be improper to ask why T/they were no longer together after 11 years, and almost knew what the answer would be. she died. It was heartbreaking to hear of, and shows how cruel God can be sometimes. i guess sometimes God is cruel in giving you someone, then taking him or her away, and other times He's cruel in never giving you anyone. Makes me wonder about my own fate. As scared as i am, i'm starting to imagine it with this Man as its Conductor.

i'm realizing i really don't have to live like i am, or wander aimlessly, or wait around for men who can't make up their minds or know how to really handle a genuine slave. He said i've been "abused" by the wrong men/boys, and self-entitled "Masters", and He's pretty right about that. Abuse doesn't always have to be physical.

Another Dom is in Idaho. Ida-Freakin'-Ho! i never, ever imagined living in such a place. i'm a Connecticut Yankee girl and tell people that i'm from "the intelligent part of the country". Everything west of New England to me is just "somewhere out there". i do live in Florida now, but nobody that lives here is from here. They're all from up north, so it's like the same people i grew up around, they're just sweatier now.

Anyway, i'd at first told Him basically, "You sound great, BUT, Idaho?? The only time i've said "I-da-ho" is when i'm joking about myself." But He wrote me back, again, and again, and His proposal of "summers there, winters here" started sounding mighty do-able. Maybe i would actually like it. i'm a fan of nature, i miss seeing mountains, and living in a subdivision with nosey neighbors eight feet on each side of me is stifling. There's no palmetto bugs in Idaho either. Hmm. And in further thinking about it, i realized i can do my job from anywhere. Just a computer and a telephone are all i need. The fact that He's a good-looking Guy with a log cabin in the woods (a dream of mine) and three Harleys (oh YES!) is drool-inducing, too. So many times i've pictured myself chained to a bike, or riding with the wind in my hair, my arms wrapped around my absolute Master, feeling like His property, His slave and His love.

There is a third Who's been talking to me for a few weeks now, in Manhattan: A "Wall Street" Guy. He's in a nilla marriage, but has had a slave in the past who He'd fly in for a few days at a time. That kind of appeals to me because there's no potential for commitment, other than when He'd want me. And having Someone with money fly this poor chick up to NYC seems appealing. i've said before i'm not a gold-digger, and that is sincerely true, but after being treated to Key West by a generous Man, and still being "Uncollared Cru", i'm kind of thinking that i should embark on my "North American slave tour". This Guy is one serious sadist, highly aroused by pain, especially in the form of breast torture. i cannot believe that He convinced me, after two attempts that didn't work out last week, to finally get myself on my webcam this afternoon and let Him "manipulate" me. (i NEVER do that.) i cried genuine, serious tears as He watched me self-inflict pain at His instruction. At times it made me fall off my chair onto my knee and clutch my desk wailing in agony. i know actually being with Him would be a seriously hard gig. Just today He had me using a small paddle to hit my own breasts (insane!), clamping them, attaching a chain to my nipple rings and pulling harrdddd on it, using clothespins over the red bruises the paddle made, and putting needles into my own flesh, including a 2-inch hypodermic needle, straight into my breast, down to the needle-head. How the hell i managed that i'll never know, but my compulsion to be obedient overrides a lot. i did swear at Him a bunch of times, though; quite un-slavelike. But, tough--"You're too far away to do anything about it, Sir, and You're lucky i'm even doing this for You." i guess i passed my audition, because He seemed quite pleased afterwards, and later when He called me back to check on me.

After i spoke to Him, a Dom from my network, Whom i do admire for His intelligence, friendship and counsel, called me as He was driving to North Carolina to see one of His subs. He wanted to see how i was doing, and sometimes worries about me, although i tell Him not to. W/we chatted for awhile about both pedestrian and porn subjects, as i am always one to have a smut story readily available. (It's good to be a slut; makes a gal an interesting conversationalist). i don't know if it was one of my "tales" or just because hell, He's a MAN, but after some time He went into the direction of wanting me to touch myself. Although i was pretty convinced that i couldn't climax with the phone next to my ear listening to Someone, i did. In fact, it was a pretty darn good orgasm which made me wet my pants. It felt like it wouldn't stop. Oh my. That was a nice little unexpected gift today.

Besides my online and telephone interactions, i have stuck to being very, very good and not seeing any men in person, until the "new Dom" i've been liking gets back to Florida. (If He only knew how many local men now HATE Him!) He's been traveling almost more than He's been here since i've met Him. i've only seen Him three times, but it's been enough to get my heartbeat going. i have resolved myself to not jumping the gun and assuming He's not interested in me when i don't hear from Him, but something eats at my conscience when i don't have even a simple text message saying "hello slave". i know He is visiting His family and working right now, but is A/anyone really that busy? Does He realize that true slaves are dependent on their Doms and get very lonely and restless without instructions or affirmation? Maybe. i don't know Him well enough to know His Dom-style yet, and some guys just aren't big on contact. *shrugs* That's just the way they are. So, i'm not making a drama out of it. It could mean nothing at all. But tonight, on a Friday night that i stayed home, and after waking up from that nightmare, i feel quite alone. i am remaining faithful, and even asked for permission to go to the dungeon tonight (which was a hard re-adjustment to sub life after running wild and feral for the last four months). i am trying hard to do the right thing. i really, really hope it pays off. He'll be back soon and i'll see what His agenda is.

Time will tell. i'm eternally self-preserving, and can't imagine being with a Guy without having a "Plan B". i'm strong enough to hit the "wrong guy-jettison button" and move on. i've done it recently with Another that i do like, but just does not offer me the dynamic that i need to flourish. i'm not wasting my time on Anyone who doesn't fit into my "ideal". i'm too old for that, and life's too short. Speaking to that Master Who lost His one reminded me of that.

What to do, what to do, what to do? i'm pondering constantly, and always looking for answers to be delivered unto me. Choices choices choices! i just don't know. *wails!* However, what i do know after this eye-opening week is that something, i don't know what yet, but "something", IS going to happen, maybe very soon, to completely change my life. Maybe not as clearly as i can see one of those dream tornadoes against the vivid sunset, i can still see a big upheaval on my horizon.

If there's an F5 Master out there for me, "Sir, i'm ready with my can of tuna fish."





9/25/2008 8:12:47 AM
September 25, 2008

i was very shockedand disappointed  last night to receive an e-mail notifying me that Florida Fetish Weekend has been cancelled this year.

9/23/2008 4:46:37 PM
September 23, 2008

i am being good this week. REALLY!  my Yahoo Messenger status message says "Actually Behaving". i have gotten about 20 IM's from people in the last two days, basically saying "No WAY!", but it's true.

i have repeatedly pissed off a Dom i like, and i was leveled by Him on the phone on Saturday. Tokyo looked better after Godzilla went back to the sea.  Once again, i'd screwed up. i'm too quick to run away or make rash judgments, and my determination to not get left out in the cold without any resources as back-up is poisoning my potential. He's about had it to the max with me. After that phone call, i was quite remorseful. i was too numb to even cry. my head hung low, and not for any "good" reasons either. i had a munch at 2 that day, and now it wasn't going to be nearly what i'd hoped it would be like.

Somehow, i have begged my way back through text messages and emailed apologies to where He'll still speak to me. i've said it before and i'll say it again... "Good blowjobs save lives". i just need to bide my time now until i can offer one up. i am one kneeling and humble slave, waiting for absolution.

i have not been touched by a man in 3 days, have turned down all offers that are coming in, and even shut off my Adult Friend Finder profile so the pirannahs will stop their beg-fest.

i could have taken off with a guy i knew at the munch on Saturday. He's fond of me for certain "talents" i possess, and we'd hooked up once before. He was thrilled to see me when he walked in, and kissed me passionately. But, throughout it, my eyes stayed open. All i could think about was Someone else Who'd kissed me once and made my knees weak and my head spin. my eyes were closed then, and i saw lightning. Despite my munch-buddy's persistence, i said "i'm sorry. i'm just not into it."

There was another sadistic Master there from central FL that i know from chat, and i didn't even want Him to spank me.  He said that seeing me sad was a horrible waste of a good whore. 

Someone feel my forehead! i'm feverish. Now, now, don't be writing me with any perverted "thermometer" offers either, People!

Dear Lord, please tell me that i'm doing the right thing. It's only Tuesday and i'm dyin!

i'd pray, but if i kneel down to do it i'm going to start thinking about giving a blow job.

Stoppppppp. Bad girl. Bad girl!!  i need my puppy cage NOW. Focus focus focus, be positive, be good, behave.

9/19/2008 3:11:28 PM

Dear "Hunters",

If You can't handle big game, stick to shooting at squirrels.

9/19/2008 6:10:48 AM
September 19, 2008

Just received an e-mail announcement this morning from "the dungeon", about their next "Fourth Saturday" social. Hooray! It's a "Fetish" theme, which means the kinky F/folks will be there and the heavy equipment will be out. Sometimes the events are more about "hooking up" than BDSM play (although it's usually still allowed, it's not the "focus".)

The Fetish socials are my favorites, because i dooooo love being restrained and tormented. They have a "hoist/sling" there, and i wouldn't mind being trussed up and hung for use. And of course, there's the beloved St. Andrew's cross, the kneeler benches, the sybian....
Oh, my mind is reeeeelinggg!

With or without Someone in my life, the fun never ends. :)

Life's too short to be bored. Get out there and LIVE, People!


9/18/2008 6:28:04 PM
September 18, 2008

Just got an e-mail today from the organizers of Florida Fetish Weekend, October 31 - November 2, in Tampa. There's only 50 registrations left available, and the hotel is almost full. i've had a few people ask me about it in e-mails, so i figured this would be easier.

Google "florida fetish weekend" and the site should be easy to find.

The presenters and seminars look great this year. i've enjoyed FFW's classes in the past, which included Needle Play, Pony Play, Electricity, Puppy & Handler Training and D/s Dynamics.

A/anyone interested in learning more, meeting new Lifestylers, shopping the kinky vendors (mmmm), and just having a generally perverted weekend should check it out.

i'll be there with my leash on. *pant pant pant*  :)

BTW, to T/those in the West Pasco Area--There's a meeting of the West Pasco Munch group this Saturday, Sept. 20th (and the 3rd Saturday of each month). Place is Waterside Landing on Grand Blvd. in Port Richey. 2 - 5 p.m.  A/all are welcome. It's a gay bar so it's fetish-friendly. (Some munches i've gone to have to be so discrete it's not very enjoyable. Fuck Applebee's, People--have your munches in the gay bars!) 

It'd be nice to see new faces there this weekend. :)

P.S. The bartender there is a scream. Come say "hi" to Gary.

9/18/2008 1:47:10 PM

September 17, 2008

"Good Times"

And i don't mean the ones with J. J.!

O.K., seems it's about time i got to writing about some fun and depravity. Lately, i've used my journaling time to lament, but now it's time to lighten up. This uncollared, wild, slave girl/slut/puppy has been pretty busy.

Things are looking better now. i'm relieved to find out from the "new Dom" that He's not mad at me and things are o.k. He'll be back from a trip today so i'm hoping i can be very, very good and very, very pleasing and that He will punish me, let me get past my error and allow me to serve Him properly. i will just behave and see how things pan out. Yesterday was His birthday, but He was away, so i'm compelled to help make sure He is honored well by a good girl. Or girls. *weg* Aint i wonderful? *giggles*

So, with that concern off my mind, i'm reflecting back on recent events. One of the most devilish weeks i've had as of late was the first week of September. Labor Day was a non-event, for the most part. Just kind of worked around the house and was a "domestic slave-mom". i don't mind those days, because on other ones i feel like i'm going 80 mph.

i was kind of hanging around on that long weekend because i was wondering if the "new Dom" was going to contact me. i'd met Him in late August (*chuckling* and that's another good story) and He was already getting into my brain; whether i wanted Him to be or not! He was coming back from a trip that Saturday night, so i waited to see what the coming days brought. i'd been trying to resist Him and run away, but i was also wondering, at the same time, if He'd come after me. i think if a Dom really wants to keep me, He'd better be dragging a heavy chain. Not too many of those Guys around.

i had a daytime "social" coming up at the dungeon on Wednesday, and He'd expressed interest in going with me. i have craved having a Master with me at the dungeons again; i hate enviously watching O/others as T/they play. i was enamored with having a "Holder of my leash" again, "finally, yes!", but also nervous about whether i'd have a conflict in having an Overseer. i wanted to be obedient, but free, at the same time. Yes, People, i know that doesn't work. i was also a bit conflicted on the "thought vs. reality" of it all, because the last time i was accompanied by a Dom there He was not well-liked by the Hosts or the guests. T/they had good reason to not appreciate His methods. He drank too much, played hard with me, and was too pompous and full of Himself to listen. i was only being a neophyte, obedient sub, but i still felt responsible. It was early on in my "bdsm career" and i was concerned He'd left T/them with a bad impression of me. In not knowing this new One that well, and not having had much interaction with Him, i kind of knew that He'd be "good", but at the same time didn't know if i was ready to full-on be under His hand in a setting of my peers and Superiors. Time has passed, and i feel differently now, but this story is going back a few weeks.

When He didn't contact me after He got back, i assumed His interest level was low, and i'll admit, i deliberately used that as an escape clause and decided "alone" that day was going to be easier. i knew at least one Dom that would be there, because He called me, by surprise, on Tuesday night, to see if i'd be there, too. "Umm, yes Sir, i will indeed be there." i'd missed the opportunity to play with Him at Fetish Convention a few weeks before, and felt i kind of "owed" Him some of my time. He has a sub already, so i wasn't trying to form anything with Him, but He plays with other subs when she can't be there. (Side note: i met His sub at FetishCon, so nothing is "shady" about it). He bites, literally, and has a P.A. piercing. i can say from experience that it's all mighty yummy. In my brain, i pictured being in between two of those mountain goat rams on the pick-up truck commercials, and it was stressing me. i didn't want to be in a precarious position of possibly disrespecting either Dom in deference to the Other. Ouch. i thought about trying to be in the middle of Someone with Whom i wanted to develop a relationship, and a fun "Colleague" in my social circle that tempted my loins.

And, umm... did i mention that the event email announcement encouraged any females interested in a gang bang to let Them know? *laughs* A whole bunch of dicks!?! *imitates a rocket whistle* i think my flare could be seen from Tampa.

Soooo.... the girl traveled alone that day, taking a calculated risk and letting the chips fall where they may--and possibly needing a whisk broom later.

Now, before i get more into the dungeon-deliciousness, i also need to mention another thing that happened on Tuesday. i'd gotten an email recently, on another bdsm site, which began some back-and-forth exchanged correspondence with a Dom from Key West. i'd reviewed His profile and pictures, and He seemed dignified and genuine enough in His appearance and His writings. But, it was especially the photos of a blindfolded, collared and cuffed sub in chains, in His private dungeon, that made me perk with interest. i don't usually get too impressed by Doms that write to me--Don't take that the wrong way now, People...Y/y'all know there're some pretenders and time-wasters out there-- but this Guy gave me a good vibe. He was very low-key and non-pushy. Very accommodating and flexible, and also seemed quite interested in me. i was tempted, but still far away.

Seems the problem of "geography" worked out magically when He called me on Tuesday night and W/we talked for awhile. He was pressed for time for a meeting, because on the following Monday, He would be going back up to Newport, RI for a month. The very week W/we spoke was critical if W/we were going to do something any time soon. He offered to come up to Tampa-area to meet me for dinner, if that's all i felt safe with, but i just was not scared. On the contrary, i was overwhelmed by His next proposal, which was His offer to fly me down there on Thursday to stay until Saturday. Wow. i could not imagine such a gift, just to meet me. Especially without 21-days advance notice on an airline ticket; unheard of in my little life! Now don't condemn me, Safety Patrol; i know all the recommended procedures, but i absolutely felt no fear of Him. Rather, my overwhelming thoughts were of drooling temptation thinking about the words in the email that mentioned having "my tits tormented while riding a sybian and sucking His cock." Yep, that'll do it. Besides, i rationalized the safety-factor in thinking: #1. i'm too fat to fit into an oil drum. #2. There are no basements in Florida to hide my body in, and #3. You can't rape the willing.

Within the hour following that phone conversation He was sending me my e-mail confirmation from Continental Airlines with my name on the ticket. It was really going to happen.

So, holy crap, here i am on Tuesday night, looking forward to going to the dungeon on Wednesday, and now on Thursday, la la la, like it's just nothing, i'm flying to Key West.

Sha-zam!! i felt like one of those society ladies that just fly off to Paris for the weekend on a whim, or... like a call girl. Mmmm. That's kind of nice.

Ok, that adventure will flesh out later in this story (and it was pretty perfect!), but for now, back to Wednesday at the social...

i must say that for a big chick, i looked pretty freakin' cute on Wednesday morning. i'd worn a tight, black lace chemise with garter straps attached at the bottom to hold up my stockings, and a black mesh (toile) petticoat, trimmed with lace. (There's a pic of that outfit in my profile. It's devilishly adorable.) All the evils of my body were hidden, and all the good parts were accessible. i felt kick-ass sexy when i was buckling the ankle strap of my 7-inch heel, platform stripper shoes, and kind of giddy when i got the assistance of a kneeling subbie boy in the dressing room. And, fashion tip to all the plus-sized subettes out there; if you don't already know this, those shoes make even fat legs look hot. The finishing accessories were wrist and ankle cuffs, buckled on to make me instantly "positionable", and my "princess whore" trademark tiara. Think for a moment the image of taking a classy, well-bred little society bitch, with her debutante tiara and gown on, and putting her down on her knees in the dirt to show her what a filthy whore she really is inside. Kind of appealing, huh? i actually have a story in which i pretty much enacted that scene, but that too will have to wait for another time.

In the meantime, i saw a familiar face enter the dressing room. It was my friend/mentor/Dom/sub/general sadistic sick pervert "D". He was my very first introducer to actual BDSM play; my first flogging, spreader bars, ankle cuffs and more. He and i remained close and i'd see him once a week for play. He'd quickly introduced me to that very dungeon we were in now. i hadn't seen him in a long time, but he'd mostly Dommed me during the few years we regularly saw each other, and he HURTS!! i did some big cryin'! But D does like to sub too, and sometimes i'd be the Mistress, and CBT that boy till he screamed for mercy. *giggles* It was amusing to see D so "strung up" that day. Today he was the toy of a Domme, and was in a hood, wrists and ankles shackled, with balls strung n' hung like a Christmas tree. A particular set of white clamps, with which he'd tormented my nipples and pussy lips a few times, now hung from his own balls. *chuckles* Sweet justice for those painful days i endured.

So here i am now, with my big girl shoes on, sitting on the bench in the dressing room, and from behind, a hand moves my hair and bites my neck just hard enough to make me shiver, and to let me know exactly Who it was: my "Collegue". i'll call Him "P" from here on in, to respect privacy. Well well well... "Hello, Sir." my good time was now guaranteed.

Clunking into the main room like Frankenslut, i found a place to sit for a moment and listen to the mandatory, pre-play announcements. The dungeon Master/Host reminds E/everyone, old and new, each time, of all the rules. When He emphasized that it's improper to interrupt a scene or sex, or to assume that you could just walk up to somebody and begin spanking them, i half-jokingly raised my hand and said "Yeah, but that's what i'm here for". i looked around at the attendees and then said "Please, feel free!". It was very amusing. i waste no time in letting it be known i am a single female. i am in "Marketing", after all.

When the announcements were done, E/everyone broke up to begin their O/own revelries. In short time, i was approached by another Dom in basically the same "group" as "P" is. (Y/you go to enough dungeons, munches and conventions, and you start to see a lot of the same faces, and then form networks.) This other Dom i'll call "L". i'd played with L once before, in the dungeon set up at FetishCon. At about the exact same time as L approached me, while i was waiting for P to finish a conversation He was having, i looked upon the face of another Dom i did not know yet. He had a look i liked, too. Long, graying hair in a ponytail down His back, and very clearly the owner of the beautiful Harley that was sitting outside. Oh yummy. "You need someone to spank, Sir? Well here i am."

Joy joy joy. Two Doms for right now, with the best One still in the queue. The "biker" i'll call "R", to again respect privacy. Just in case i ran into a Dom that didn't know He was going to get to play besides just watch, and didn't think to bring His toy bag (which has happened), i'd come prepared and brought several wooden paddles i'd just purchased in Denver at "Thunder in the Mountains" (yet another story there) and a couple of other spanky things. i laid my "stuff" onto a nearby soft, futon-type cushion on the floor, next to a spanking bench. i eagerly leaned over the padded wood, planted my feet on the floor, and settled in for a Duo of Doom. Oh rapture!

A funny thing here: i don't know where "Sir S" (the Owner/Host/Dungeon Master) gets His soundtracks that He plays during the socials. Sometimes, the music is hard n' heavy rock and metal like Limp Bizkit, Kid Rock, AC/DC or some instrumental with a vicious beat. But, there was one time there when i was sucking a dick (*laughs* well, i was!) and grooving to Limp Biz, and then the very next song to come on after "Break Stuff" is... "Dancing Queen"! Now, no hatin' towards the closet ABBA fans, cuz i grew up in the 70's and am one of them, but hell, that song just did NOT fit in. i'll never hear that song again and not think of giving a blow job. Now, on this day, as the music starts and i'm beginning to focus on my body being abused by two Men, i hear trombones and saxophones and what is the start of some jazz/blues chick singing "Summmmerrrrtiiiiiimmme, and the livin' issss...eeeeeeeeeeasyyy..." Lord no! That is NOT going to work to get me into the mood. i raised my head up and said "Um, can we do something about this music, please?!!" i'm glad that pretty quickly the soundtrack was replaced with music you can move to. i do remember swiveling my butt, as i was being spanked a little later, to "I Touch Myself" by The Divinyls. At least that was more appropriate! *chuckling*

So now, good music's on and L and R generously teamed up and shared toys--including "me". *giggles* L has hand-made a flogger which is pretty nice, and had His toy case, and i'm not sure what R had brought with Him (because i never turned around to look). With Their stuff combined with my own paddles, i was getting a pretty thorough "coverage". L kept His flogging mostly around my back and shoulders *ouch*, while R focused on my ass and thighs. They shared implements, and like a good girl, i kept face forward, and didn't always know Who exactly was doing what. But, it was glorious. i heard someone mention "electricity" and i commented that i was a "watt ho" and liked it, but then L decided to take out His little shock stick and zap my tender behind. It felt like a bee sting. i knew what it was immediately, because He'd used it on me at FetishCon (and also because i own one), but i did not like it at that moment--the "surprise" on my reddened skin. i know i sounded "oh SO slavelike" when i turned my head towards L and hissed through my clenched jaw "i'm gonna kick Your assssss!" Yep, i'm such a dream-slave. Uh huh. lol. i think i need some more training.

Throughout most of the time, i remained face-down and sweating, bent over the bench, with my legs wide apart, like a good girl knows to do as soon as a Dom's hand touches her inner thigh. That's touch-code for "spread 'em". my panties were still in place and i'd not said anything about removing them, because i figured the Doms would decide what They wanted. Besides, i knew even that thin black material was taking some of the edge off the blows and giving me longevity. But omg do i feel it "inside" when a Dom sticks His finger under the top edge of my panties and lowers them to just below my butt. That, to me, seems even more humbling than completely taking them off. Feels like a spontaneous OTK for being a bad girl. Makes for a good "visual", too, and i was quite aware that the scene was being watched. When i felt R's crotch press against me as He stroked my ass and outer thighs with His hand i was hotttttt. Oh Lord does that tease kill me. i would have publicly begged to be fucked right there if He'd told me to.

my head was swimming with sensation, as i felt "precipitation" in the "lower part of the nation". i wasn't in subspace, but i did feel my mind drifting as i absorbed the various blows, and they became more "sound" than "pain". i was feeling sensual, and like i was melting, and then it got even better. With the two Doms working on me and causing my endorphins to kick in, from the left side of my head, i felt my hair being gathered and i turned my face up to see it was P. i practically purred. He began to kiss my face and pet my hair and nibble on my neck, and apologized for taking so long in His conversation, but said that He sees "i'm well taken care of at the moment". His voice and touch were so soothing, and when His mouth sealed over mine i swear i could have drowned in bliss right there. i don't kiss men kind of the prostitute-mentality since all the romance has been stomped out of me... but when i do, and they are good at it, my insides become jelly. Oh man, was i having a head-trip. i can just imagine how it must have looked to the horny nilla men watching it all from the sidelines: Three Dom Males all feasting on one girl.

What a day for a slave. But that's not nearly all of it.... *weg*

L and R eventually had Their fill of using me. i tired L out pretty early, then R was sufficiently sadistically sated. (i love alliteration). i had my opportunity to be with P now. He was outside on the deck by the hot tub, and i found Him in short time. W/we chatted with O/others outside for a bit before heading off to O/our own pleasures.

At the bottom of the deck staircase, P turned towards the left, heading towards the private area in back. He'd first had me there, when i met Him at the dungeon in May. (That alone was quite a time, and yet another story--which also involves my "fwb", who i met on that same night. *winks* Just a teaser there, Folks. *giggles* Stay tuned.). i turned to the right, because i wanted to go into the public area. P laughed, because i said, about going into the back, "Nooo, that'll limit my dick selections!" W/we headed to the main room, where on one side they had a row of sheet-covered mattresses forming a playground of sorts. P sat back onto one of the mattresses and slid back to the wall to semi-sit up. i bounded across the mattress on my hands and knees like an eager puppy. In the meantime, i could hear a woman's moans emanating from the semi-private "grope room" next to U/us, along with D screaming in agony as he was now on a long padded bench, being tormented by his Domme du jour. What "ambiance". lol

P and i hungrily began kissing, and His hand in my hair found my tiara  and removed it, placing it off to the side. He continued kissing me and stroking my body, and by now, my insides were like lava. Hike down from the volcano to the rain forest and you'd be at my pussy. Whoa. Like i'd said, He's a biter, and His mouth slid from mine to my clavicle, neck and shoulders, sinking His teeth into my flesh and making me lean hard into Him with passion. lust, submission and pain, groaning deeply. He moaned to me, as i kissed and licked His neck, ears and shoulders, that He loved to be licked. i'd never dare bite a Dom, so like a gentle puppy, i continued my sensual bathing of His skin with my soft tongue and lips, while He returned my affections with primitive cannibalism.

P has a beautiful cock, plain and simple. There's no other way i could describe it. Great length, thickness, and that P.A. piercing is like a Mardi Gras necklace; serves to enhance the party. He was quite impressed by my oral abilities on the first night W/we met. i'm sure some of you girls know it's not easy to sword-swallow a chunk of metal, especially when you still have your tonsils. When i was able to take Him completely down (which was very difficult), i think He was in Domspace. i was eager to please Him in that way again. When i drew back and looked at His hardened cock, then looked into His eyes, i said in a small voice, "May i lick it now, Sir?". Guess how long it took Him to nod "yes". lol.

Now Gentlemen, tell me this "isn't" true: There's nothing like the sight of a girl who is enthusiastic about sucking cock. i know a lot of men who have to force their wives to do it, if they even bother to try and get it at all any more. One guy was a "birthday and Christmas-only" recipient. *chuckling* Poor bastards. i think of those guys on occasion as i'm swallowing the dick of an appreciative partner. i knew behind my back, watching the scene, were a few of them right now. i could feel their eyes and catch glimpses of their bodies in my peripheral vision as my head contorted and swirled in my activities. i'm sure P involuntarily added to their envy with His sighs and moans. They could see His pleasure and i'm sure wished it were their hands in my thick hair using my face like a toy doll.

i've been called an "exibitionist" before, and i've always denied it, because i'm continually acting conscious of my body: hence, the massive lingerie wardrobe and thigh-high stockings supply. However, in thinking about all this, and other times, i may have to just admit it to myself: i like to be watched. i like to be tempting. i want to elicit desire. As i orally worshipped P's cock, i displayed my eagerness and joy by laying on my stomach with my legs bent upward and my shoes in the air. i know most men are turned on by sexy fetish-wear, some with shoes in particular. i knew it must have been a pretty vignette, seeing my slut-shoes knock together and wave around in the air. It was as casually and involuntarily as a child laying on the floor in front of the t.v, eating an ice cream cone, emanating pleasure through her feet like a cat's waving tail.

After a while of unhurried, thorough and highly-effective oral pleasure, P asked me, in a whispered voice husky with desire now, "Are you ready to take my cock into your pussy now?" i ask Y/you to refer back to my comment about guessing how long it took to say yes. "Ohhhhh yesss, Sirrrr, pleeease." At that moment, if i had a real puppy tail, i could have waxed a car with it. i readied myself into my favorite position: doggie-style. No surprise there. P prepared Himself with a condom, because of course, safe sex is highly encouraged at the dungeon and keeps us sluts healthy. He got behind me and grabbed my ample hips with His hands. i quivered. When i felt His cock penetrate and fill me i gasped with joy. i am quite an active, vocal and vigorous lay, and my enjoyment was quite evident. i could not remain quiet as my loud grunts, groans, gasps and moans composed the spontaneous music of my fucking. It sounded a lot more stimulating than jazz trombones, i can tell you that much!

P began to slam into me. As they say... "banged me like a screen door in a hurricane". (Shhhh, i know i'm not supposed to use the "h" word in Florida). He has good length on that member, and i think my liver was dented. i could feel Him in my abdomen each time He stroked forward. i had to fight past that pain until i relaxed enough inside to take Him. It was impossible for me to keep my mouth closed or my eyes open for very long. i was panting and drooling, growling and grunting like an animal. my wet mouth hung open and i had a wild, glassy look in my eyes as i glanced towards a row of men fondling themselves casually, while i was being defiled before them. It felt surreal, that i could do something so "intimate" and "private" to traditional folks, in such an open setting where anyone could feast their eyes on it.

i'm thinking right now about how i was stirred inside as a young teen, reading those little porn magazines filled with stories. One in particular was about live girls in an adult club, inside of rooms surrounded with one-way windows. They were completely naked, exposed and masturbating, while unseen men viewed them like they'd view animals at the zoo. The women were of no more value than pretty goldfish one would watch for pleasure. They were "meat". The degradation was profoundly erotic to me. Now, here i was, and not nearly for the first time... one fucked goldfish.

i guess that's about the time the invisible "open invite" flag went up, because the hungry onlookers moved in like locusts on a corn field. Although, with only one stalk in that field, they'd have to take turns: "Orderly locusts." In short time my half-blurred vision focused on an erect cock about 6 inches from my face, with a hand holding it outwards. i don't think i once looked up to see the face of the person to whom it belonged. As P thrust forward, my open mouth almost reached the cockhead. i motioned with my hand "move forward" and the cock came close enough to penetrate my mouth. It's owner groaned hard above me. P continued His own rhythm and was kind of a third-party controller of the blow-job. His body moved me forwards and back as my mouth sucked the shaft. It did not take too long for the standing man's sighs and groans to escalate as he breathlessly blurted "Ohhhh, I'm gonna cum". He pulled out of my mouth and his load ended up on the sheets. i know his knees were weak as he backed away from me.

P was still vigorously enjoying me when He shifted positions a bit and put both of my legs together. and flattened me down onto the mattress with His body weight. His legs were now on the outsides of mine. The angle and penetration depth of His cock changed then, and was stimulating me even more. As i was now lower to the "ground", my head was as well. A second onlooker came over for his turn at my face and knelt in front of me. Doing the job of a good whore, i began to automatically orally service him. i'm sure he could feel the vibrations from my vocal chords as i grunted and whimpered, while gagged with his hard cock and P screwing me. The man reached his climax, and maybe expected me to release his cock when he said he was going to cum, but i didn't. i think he thought he hit the jackpot when he came into my mouth and i submissively swallowed.

Around this time, P leaned forward and asked me if i wanted to finish Him off orally as well. But, too late, P Sir, You have "competition" on that: A third stranger had already approached me and was directing himself towards my lips. i managed to reply over my shoulder something like "Um, wait Sir, there's another one". P continued to fuck me, but i think He'd asked if i wanted to finish Him off because He was reaching the point of "Oh-this-is-so-God-damned-good-I-can't-hold-back-any-more." i made the third man cum, and when he backed away, my animal eyes scanned the onlookers. i leaned back into P's hips and He told me in few words that He was "ready". i was mighty ready, too, and when i knew He was cumming, it sent me off to my own paradise. He and i both screamed when orgasms hit U/us, then He collapsed onto me, sweating and breathing heavily. Shortly afterwards, i laughed. Once again in my life, i was screwed stupid.

P was finished, and extremely sated, and went to get me some water. During this entire time, my friend D had been laying on a mattress at the end of the row. He was resting from his own session, in his hood and bindings, and watching his former slut being thoroughly enjoyed. i wonder what his thoughts were then.

P gave me a cup of cool water and went to go outside on the deck to have a smoke and recover. i was left to the locusts. i laid back on the mattress next to D and we exchanged pleasantries for a few minutes. i chatted and giggled with euphoria at the day i was having, kicking my legs up in the air like a Y and prompting the remaining men that i wasn't "done" yet. i rolled up off my back into a sitting position. i know my hair and smudged make-up gave me that "JBF" look. "Just been fucked". i guess that's kinda sexy.

In just moments i was staring up from the mattress at three cocks. i looked further up, at the men's faces, and innocently said "Um, hi guys. How're ya doin?" One of them was R, the Dom Who'd spanked me earlier. They tightened the circle and moved in even closer to me. Because i recognized R as the Dom, He was first in my mouth, while i used my right hand to keep another man's cock hard, and i felt a third pressing against the back of my head and my hair, while its owner stroked it. i was in a difficult position height-wise because i was sitting, but i stretched my torso and neck to take in R's cock from below. Next to me, the Dungeon Master was using His sub along with allowing another man to have her. i was surrounded by men myself, so i couldn't see much, but i could hear her groans and gasps as she was getting fucked and it turned me on while i performed my own services. R enjoyed my mouth, but didn't cum. (Men don't always cum when they're at these things. Sometimes they're shy, or nervous, or they've already jerked off, or cum with someone else at the party, or just want to wait until later and jerk off to what they've seen.) R still seemed very satisfied with my participation in His day when He conceded my mouth to the guy in my hand. R said "good girl" and went off on His own devices, leaving me with the other two.

They took turns, politely sharing my mouth with each other. One would be sucked, the other would be hand-stroked, and then exchanged. Honestly, it's kind of a blur trying to exactly remember the sequence after that. Two guys dwindled down to one as the second had his fill. The one i was left with then seemed thrilled to have me to himself now, and proceeded to ravish me. i remember him feeding me his cock while he was sitting on the mattress, then maneuvering himself around so he could lick and finger-fuck my pussy. It was a 69 on our sides as he opened my legs up like a Thanksgiving turkey. Licks mingled with hard fingering, then he moved back to sitting up and controlling my head on his cock. "Come on whore, suck that dick. Suuuuuck it! That's a good slut, thatttt's a good slut. Oh yeah, oh yeahhh, oh yeahh, come on now, suck it whore. You're a good little cocksucker, aren't you? Oh yesss you are. I want you to be mine. Yeahhh, that's right, you're my whore. Come on, bitch, let me grab those tits.... Yessss you got nice tits. Come on slut, swallow that cock. That's it, thatttt's it..."

And--that was it. *smiles* Mission accomplished. A happy, grinning and tingling man thanked "his whore" and wandered off to shower and dress. my parting words to him were, "Thank you for your penis". A lot of the guys at the daytime socials (11 a.m. - 2 p.m.) are workmen. The parking yard is usually full of vans. It's pretty amusing. They come in for a "power lunch", get their groove on and they're back to work again. Sooo, if you're in south Tampa and your Fed Ex package arrives late, you're waiting on the cable guy or your contractor is tardy, i may know the reason. *chuckles*

Alone again, i looked over to my right, where another Dom i know from the dungeon had been sexually playing with His sub. i smiled at Him in recognition, and crawled over to in between His legs, looking at Him for "instruction". i asked "Do You want me to lick it, Sir?" and again, a positive nod was received in answer. i began going down on His cock when His sub returned. i know her, too, but couldn't see her as i continued my "work". i heard her voice as she told Him nonchalantly, "i'm going to get some Pepsi". i can't help but be amazed sometimes, thinking about the casualness of it all; having a woman who is absolutely nonplussed about seeing her "Man" being serviced by another female. Totally unthreatened and secure. It's just so "normal" it's kind of bizarre, too.


Judging by this Dom's dick-strength, i could tell He'd already been sufficiently satisfied earlier. i knew my blowjob was just going to be frosting, not the cake. i didn't mind, though, because with indication that there was no "completion" at the end of the tunnel, i serviced His cock for a respectable amount of time before raising my head and asking "Is it ok if i go outside now, Sir?". He didn't mind at all and smiled and thanked me.

i'd like to get to be better acquainted with this couple, because i do enjoy T/their playing style and i'd like to be involved in it. The last time i saw T/them in the dungeon i was alone at the moment and having a temporary twinge of the "No-Master Blues". Like i'd said, i hate just watching. she was blindfolded, facing the St. Andrew's cross, while He worked on her backside with floggers and paddles. i was quietly off to the side, politely observing, but the hunger was clear in my face. He often looked at me, and He could see my reaction to T/them. i looked like a dog watching you eat a piece of chicken.

i know the sub has built and furnished a dungeon in her new home, too. (i don't think T/they live together, but i'm not sure, and haven't yet been forward enough to ask.) A private dungeon with no time-limits. Ohhhhhhhh plllleaaase invite me. Besides having the convenience of a 24/7 play space, i've read in the sub's CM journal that she's entered into Pro-Domming. (In fact, she was the "Domme" that had led D around and tormented him earlier. i wonder if he paid her to do it. i'll bet he did.) i am quite interested in making money in that field and feel that i'd be adequate. i've got the clothes and the toys already, that's for sure. i just need more field experience. When i mentioned that interest to her, she said that i'd be real good at it. i also mentioned a photographer that had contacted me back in June saying he was interested in exploring working with me for fetish pictures. i was uncertain i'd be suitable until he'd given her as a "reference". she's a larger woman and has been his subject before. she assured me i was very fine and very usable.

COOL! i could be "tied up n' famous" someday.

That pretty much ended my morning at the dungeon, except for P accompanying me outside to the car in the rear of the parking yard. He stroked my arms and purred sweet nothings into my ear, just turning me on all over again. He kissed me romantically, and thanked me for a wonderful day. His lust was apparent. i had to back away to keep anything from getting started again! Oh temptations abound.

i had to be good. And i mean the "good" version of good this time. No more time to be a slut. i had to rush home, get back to work at my desk, call whatever customers were in my voicemail, go to the VFW to finish some volunteer hours, and then get packed for Key West. The next adventure was already on the blue horizon...literally.

By the way... A/anybody wanna go to the dungeon now?






























9/15/2008 11:52:13 AM

September 15, 2008

Last night i registered for Florida Fetish Weekend (Oct. 31- Nov. 2). i'm feeling very discouraged right now, and really not wanting to do anything, but i know i have to. i can't sit in the safety of an ivory tower and just wait around to be rescued. Halloween would have been the first anniversary of my collaring, and i just can't envision myself alone at home, stuffing myself with snack-sized candy bars and thinking about how it could have been special. The past is DEAD. i should carve that into a tombstone.

It's been a difficult weekend. Actually, since Thursday, it's not been a thrill ride. Thursday night, i had a big fight with my son, which escalated into my having to prove who was the boss in this house by removing his bedroom door. In the meantime, i had his father on the telephone laying into me about why i apparently can't handle our son. i swear he's more like his attorney than his father. i was in a bad mood already, and feeling very alone since i've made some mistakes this past week and inadvertently pissed off a Dom i was liking alot. The stone-cold truth was telling me that my fears had corrupted me, and caused me to draw some wrong conclusions. i'd seen Him on Monday, and over the next few days, when i didn't get a reply to "hello" IM's or two cell-texts, i'd just figured He wasn't that into me and was trying to give me a hint in that direction. i'm always looking for that clue that i've stayed at the party for too long. The minute that someone decent expresses any kind of interest in me starts my inner melt-down. i automatically assume once they get what they want off me they want me to disappear.

i really thought that drawing back and saying "i understand; no problem" would be been the most dignified and non-dramatic way for me to back out, but it turns out that my attempt at being unobtrusive just made drama. i received a searing reply to my note, which left no doubt that i'd only served to cause Him severe exasperation. i am very ashamed, and realized i've run myself face-first into a wall again. i try to warn people that i do this, but they never believe me! i've mourned this mistake over the last 4 days, while doing some soul-searching and deep introspection.

This weekend, i was in no mood to go out or be around people. Friday, when my son came home from school, i did salvage some "quality time" with my him and took him with me to the Sprint store to get my cell phone replaced, and then out to get Japanese food. We actually had a normal conversation. i even apologized for behaving like a shrew the night before, but explained that my hysteria is pretty much because i've been so broken down by his callous disrespect for me that i'm no longer rational. Trying to act happy and strong when he is constantly putting me down, mocking me, disrespecting me or is shockingly indifferent towards my feelings is just more than i can stand sometimes. There are a lot of times where i feel like he's just watching and waiting to see me fall, just so he can laugh about how stupid his mother is. i had to keep a straight face on Thursday and look stoic while i was at my desk reading that "slap" from that Dom, and my son was simultaneously complaining to me about something. i could barely hear what he said as i focused on the words before me. When a straw breaks my back i either cry or go insane, then regret both later. The only other reaction i can use as an option is to completely withdraw. i did that this weekend.

In between thinking, i stared blankly at home-improvement shows and chick flicks on cable. i gave Cher a high-five when i was watching "Moonstruck" on Sunday and she responded to Nicholas Cage's professing his love by slapping his face twice and saying "Snap out of it!" "Loretta" had learned about the "bad luck" in relationships and was terrified of being loved: Very familiar to me. Kudos also to Angela Bassett in "Waiting to Exhale" as she loaded her cheating, soon-to-be ex husband's entire closet of clothes into his expensive car, doused it all in lighter fluid, turned her back and walked away with sass as she flicked her cigarette into it. i love that moment for just the sheer look of determination on her face that told you she would survive that "triflin' son-of-a-bitch."

This is learned behavior by the way, People. my attitude didn't nearly just come from watching movies, and i didn't just make it up. In my days of "loving", i'd had plenty of "lessons" on how men think. From the time i was 16 and learned how to give a blow job, it seemed that boys/men just enjoyed what they could of me, but would be ashamed to be seen with the fat chick in the daylight. i had an uncountable series of one-night stands and "drive-by's". Even when i gave up my "vaginal virginity" at almost 19, it was with a kid who'd i'd never see again. (Fortunately, it was a good experience nonetheless, with a decent kid who didn't pressure me.) It would set the tone for the majority of my sexual endeavors. i think, like a lot of young, insecure girls, i confused sex with love. i so much wanted to feel that i was attractive and had value. It didn't take too long to learn otherwise.

Don't judge me and tell me i am so wrong to assume i'm unworthy until Y/you know how it feels to be 21, pregnant, and crying hard to make your boyfriend give a shit while he's simultaneously trying to back his car over you, so he can get out of there to see his new girlfriend. The days following that time were some of the darkest i've ever had. He was only one of a string of cheaters and users who chipped away at my soul and taught me what "love" was really all about. Fun fun fun! i remember one day walking into a bedroom to find some street skank in my subsequent boyfriend's bed. No warning that he and i were having any "problems", mind you; just a few days where he'd suddenly stopped calling me. i went over there to find out what was going on. It was such a "thrill" for me to react in shock and horror while he defended her and told me to get lost. That was one of about four times over four years that he suddenly decided to have a new relationship without giving me the benefit of telling me first.

Then there's one afterwards who dated me for awhile. He was really good-looking and i was very enamored with him from the first day we met. i was a bit insecure about being in his "league", but he insisted after awhile that he loved me, and the sex was amazing. Everything seemed fine until the night he was supposed to come over and instead, left me sitting on my bed, dressed up pretty in lingerie, waiting for his phone call. After he was about two hours late, i finally got the nerve to call him, and he casually told me that he was sorry, but that he'd decided to go back to his ex-girlfriend. i can still feel the tangible humiliation i felt at that moment, as tears formed and my throat closed up as i tried to ask "But why? What have i done wrong?" i finished with as much dignity as i could by saying  robotically, "Thank you and take care" before i was able to put down the receiver and just fall apart. Out-of-the-blue, about a year later, he called me, and when i'd casually told him i'd lost about 70 lbs. over that time, his interest piqued. (Hmm, what a "surprise".) He apologized profusely for making such a mistake in leaving me the year before. He seemed quite impressed when he "re-met" me again, and over short time convinced me i was so wonderful that he wanted to marry me. i wasn't tempted by the idea of "marriage", but i did think that he must have genuinely loved me to say such a thing. i thought so, but i was wrong. A few days before my birthday (and Y/you know it sucks to break up with someone before your birthday!) we were coming home from a bar and he became angry at me about something i don't remember. What i do remember is his having me bawling my eyes out while i was trying to drive through construction at night on I-95, and his slamming his hand repeatedly on my steering wheel through my hysteria. That was the last night he ever had the position of my "boyfriend", because i pulled off the highway and told him in no uncertain terms to get the fuck out of MY car. i dumped him in an empty parking lot, 20 miles from his home. Even though i was the one who threw him out of the car, it still hurt to see this formerly "kind, gentle and loving boyfriend" go schizo on me and almost cause me to die on a highway. Further insult was added to the pile later, when i found out from his laughing ex, that every time he'd taken me to work in my car, which i'd let him drive, that he'd been dropping me off and then going over to her place.

i can still barely think about the last man that i truly, truly felt deep love for. That ended in 2008, after a year-and-a-half where basically i was so intensely in love with him that it felt like oxygen. i really thought i'd be a good partner to him, and remained faithful to the core and did everything i could in my power to make him happy. In short, that "mistake" cost me $1200 out of my very Spartan savings, and a guy who dumped me, saying with an audible sneer on the phone one day, "You'll never see that money again". i literally lost my mind over that one, while others stood on the side watching and basically saying "We told you so". i have never fully recovered, and less than two years later, i finally moved away from Connecticut to Florida, partially because i couldn't stand even being in the same state as he was. i don't think i ever felt so dead inside when i left there.

i spent pretty much of the first three years i was in Florida playing the "happy family" game with my son's father (not the one i'd mentioned earlier.) i'd gotten pregant, while on the Pill, by my son's dad after only four months of dating. He was nice enough, but just not my "ideal". Miraculously, he wasn't like the other dick who left me behind to take care of his mess in a story i can't tell here because it's too difficult for me to remember. i've blocked out most of those days from my memory. my son's dad was actually thrilled to be a father, but was just not the type of man i could respect enough and look up to as a "Leader". i was always the more-educated one and the main bread-winner. my dominance in our family was very evident, and my bitterness over that last guy corroded my insides and made me very hard and very depressed. Any time i felt that my authority was being challenged i'd say through a clenched jaw, "Then get the fuck out of my house." Our sex life had dwindled down to zero a long time ago, so i focused on just working from home and paying the bills, but not doing much more than that. my son's dad worked temp jobs for the majority of time he was here with me (in FL) and took on the role of housewife, parent and "do everything" guy. i "rotted". i barely existed, gained a lot of weight and got to where i was actually limiting my physical abilities. i drank every night, woke up dizzy, hung-over and ashamed almost every morning, and just ate and ate. i had such a hole inside me it was like i was desperate to fill it. i wanted to run away, i wanted to kill myself, i wanted my heart to just stop beating on its own. i hated my life, and was disappointed that a change of location, in "Paradise" even, wasn't a panacea to my pain. i kept feeling the same as i had in Connecticut, just in a sunnier location.

Eventually, my son's father moved back home to return to his former job. Wages in Florida were shit, and even i had sympathy for him over the injustice of the ridiculously low pay being offered for some back-breaking, dirty jobs around here. i was left to my own devices and now forced to do the labor and errands that he had taken care of. Some time around that period, Dr. Phil launched his new insightful program of weight-loss by addressing the reasons people are overweight in the first place. It's about a lot more than just putting too much food into your mouth. i don't know how i found the strength to make another attempt at saving myself, but there came a morning that i looked into the mirror at myself and said "Today, you can do something, or you can do nothing". Each morning following that day, i focused on being positive and on how i could get my life back.

In between the start of my physical recovery and now, my only attempt at real love was with my infamous "Former". It took Him two years to meet up with me in person after W/we met on, and the whirlwind afterwards is outlined in my profile and other journal entries. i won't waste any more time on that tale, except to say that it pisses me off the most of all sometimes. i feel so stupid to have let down my guard and believed His words that it was "O.k. to give Me your love, sweetie. you can feel safe with Me." He swore to me that He *cough cough cough* "wasn't like those other guys". Um.... "YEAH".

Over the last two years i've lost about 85 lbs. (and still working on it!) i feel better than i have in a very long time: physically, at least. In fact, i had the private victory this past Thursday of moving a ring of my mother's that i'd had to wear on my pinkie for years, to my ring finger. It fits again! Oh yes.

So, the physical is getting better, as best a 43 year-old mom without a benevolent plastic surgeon can attempt. i'm a lot more active now and exercise in bursts whenever i think of it. i had been going to Jazzercise for awhile, but then through a huge moment of foolishness in '05, lost my driving privileges for awhile and just stopped going to my class. i wavered back into "not giving a shit" for a long time, but found my way past that once again. i'm proud to say that all that nonsense is behind me and i can soon return to the only exercise i've ever truly enjoyed. It works. my instructor will be thrilled to see me because i was much larger when i'd started the class (and completed almost 100 classes, btw.) Returning there should help give me the emotional boost i need right now, because although i'm addressing the "physical", emotionally, i think i've committed a tactical error.

Over three days of barely emerging from behind a closed door, doing my best to avoid the stream of teenaged video game-aholics that were enjoying my HD TV in the living room, i had a rude awakening. Call it an "epiphany" if you want to put a more poetic, upbeat label on it. Either way, i feel that i've found some clarity. i went through alot of emotions and exploration. In the privacy of my small room, i was first hiding and repentant. i knew i'd somehow fucked up again and tossed my chances at ever moving forward with Someone. i so much wanted to beg for punishment and absolution that i took a black collar i'd not worn since previous to my "Former's collar" and put it around my neck tightly, then knelt on the floor with my forehead on the carpet. If i couldn't do it in person i'd at least reap the "feeling". The only things that were missing were the stings on my back, and of course, the loving forgiveness and cleansing of wrongdoing that follow. At least i was able to say "i'm sorry, Sir, please forgive me", whether it was heard or not.

Over the course of 36 hours, in between maintaining my "happy, cool mom" facade and forcing myself "public" long enough to present plates of chocolate chip pancakes and tacos to the teens at large, i spent private time trying to sleep as much as possible. Masturbating round-the-clock took off some of the edge and made me tired, but the post-orgasmic slumber was very light and short-lived. During incessant hours of Nick-At-Night and T.V. Land, or HBOShowtimeCine-whatever, i must have changed positions in bed 200 times. It was sometime during the darkness of those nights that it hit me: As hard as i have tried to prevent someone from hurting me, the one person that has consistently hurt me the most is myself.

A few months ago, on my birthday, this vanilla guy i'd seen a few times called me. He hadn't realized it was my birthday, and didn't appreciate my less-than-warm reception to him on the phone. i was spending the evening alone and was royally pissed at the "biker Dom" i'd written about in past journals. He'd come back into my life on July 5th, and had not only cut me off from any other potential dates, but promised me that He'd spend that day with me and take me out. He never even bothered to call me until later that night, leaving me a voicemail message telling me He was on His way out to dinner. i was livid and very hurt (but at least i had the sense in short time to realize i'd given all and gotten nothing back in that whole dynamic, and left Him a week later). my "friend" on the phone told me that i'd gotten what i deserved and that i "live by the sword and die by the sword". At the time, he was just being a baby because i wasn't in the mood to alleviate his hard-on, but i know ultimately, he was right. i have deliberately advertised that i am a temporary toy, that i don't want to be in a relationship, and i don't know how to react properly if Someone sees something in me beyond being a good skull-fuck and pain slut. i was trying to be a cool, savvy, non-clingy and detached fuckable female submissive that caused no unwanted pressure on Doms. Now i've seen that not only does it alienate some potentially good Ones, but that i'm also just shooting myself in the foot.

i had to think hard about my "goals". Yes, since my Former, and "formers", i've become very wary and gun-shy, but how often have i told other people not to let their pasts dictate their futures? Here i was, being a hypocrite. i've become so afraid of rejection or abandonment that i've built my own prison. i had to ask myself..."How long do you plan on doing this??? What are you "wanting"? i'd been so afraid to even admit "want", because to me making a wrong choice and being fooled can be like falling in public. Then i remembered, in thinking of that simile, that i had once actually "fallen in public", literally, in Grand Central Station, on my way down a ramp to a train. What happened then? Amongst hundreds and hundreds of people witnessing my accident i stood up, bowed and said "Ta Dah! i'll be here all week. Thank you, thank you". Why would that fall be any different than maybe making a mistake in loving the wrong man? Why couldn't i just realize that people weren't really waiting for me to fall, and that most of them would be supportive in my brushing off my butt and holding my chin up.

i've tried so hard to remain tough on the outside and have no feelings inside that it's beginning to be my undoing. i'm just fucking tired. Tired tired tired tired. Not caring this much actually causes exhaustion.

So, what do i do now? Probably the most challenging endeavor of my journey thus far. i need to trust again. i need to believe again. i need to remind myself that even if you pull up 100 losers from the barrel that there could still be a gem buried in there. i need to look at the alternatives: Give up and make my life experiences out of fragments of hedonism, or trust that there can be just One out there that can be everything to me. i can't possibly be that terrible, right???

i remind myself today that it's Monday, and the start of a new week. i've vowed that i'm going to change my perspective. i'm not unworthy of love. Just because i'm not thin and perfect doesn't mean i wouldn't be "perfect" to Someone. i can change, and i can improve. i have valuable contributions to make. i can make Someone happy. i don't like being alone any more. It's not weak to want love, it's not wrong to trust, and it's not shameful to need Someone.

i must repeat these words to myself every day. If screwing up my chances with this latest Dom have any "merit", at least i've learned a lesson, so i can be more open to the next One. i can be better now.

9/11/2008 6:53:41 AM
September 11, 2008

Why is it that the One that you want never seems to want you?

i have a heavy heart today and i'm mad at myself.

The weekend is coming, and i'm sure i'll rebound in revelry of some sort, but every time i get a reminder of why i don't form emotional involvements, i get angry that i had to receive such a reminder in the first place. i need to step up my game and become even more detached.

i've been liking Somebody lately, but in moments of clarity in between euphoria, i see that my pussy and my heart have banded together against my brain. i hate when that happens! Grrrrr.

i haven't written much here lately, partially because i've been so busy living up to my "Princess Whore" title, and partially because some of my tales of ho-woe include men that found me on this site.  Although i've liked recording my thoughts and adventures, suddenly i was feeling like i was "exposed".  i don't want Them to know what i am thinking inside.

But now, i don't really care. Each was part of the wanderings, discoveries, service, life-lessons and hedonism that make up an uncollared, feral sub's life. i've had ups and downs, bliss and disappointment, times of confusion and times of smack-in-the-face reality, and they're a valid part of my journal. If Someone doesn't like what's in there then They don't need to read my words.

i'm beginning to compose some new entries now. Last week was quite "notable"! *weg* i'm sure i can add some spice to my ramblings.

i'm glad to be "back", Folks. More soon.  xoxo

8/23/2008 12:03:50 PM

August 23, 2008

The following journal entry is an unexpected one. i'd gotten to my computer today planning on continuing the updates to the July 4th weekend story, and to begin to compose the events that followed. i've been "busy" *weg*. That will have to wait though, because first, i checked my e-mails. i've received alot of enjoyable and supportive e-mail here, which is a pleasant surprise. i've gotten several from some interesting, and interested (if i may be so bold as to assume that) Doms, asking me about what i'm "looking for", why i resist Their advances and what had gotten my mindset to its current place. One Dom in particular led a very fulfilling life with His submissive in which she wore a welded-on collar for 30 years. i am absolutely fascinated by that thought, although saddened to have heard that He lost her to illness awhile ago. What an enviable existence that must have been while she was His earth-bound one! i'm sure T/they will join again in afterlife. How lovely a thought.

In writing back to Him previously i commiserated on His dedication to a genuine, 24/7, Old-Guard style D/s dynamic. i myself enjoy being very open about my choices and am a proponent to the nilla world on the fulfillment found in being bold enough to identify and act on one's true nature that the Lifestyle brings. i also truly enjoy the protocols and structure of that type of social interaction. It's "soothing" because there are no questions. It just IS.

i did say that i wasn't a very good candidate for consideration, however, because i'm at such a wary, cagey point in my life that it's hard to imagine myself being owned again. i'm running wild all over the place now. Because my response today seemed, in afterthought, to be a good summary of my "you are here" spot on the map, i thought it may serve a purpose to address some of those types of inquiries.

i've taken the liberty of copying His latest note to me, to help clarify my response, and to also illustrate that what i desire in my mind does exist out there, although i'm unable to believe in its duplication enough to put my trust in Anyone to detect those thoughts or fulfill them. Of course, out of respect, i've kept His identity private, and do hope that He'll not be offended that i've used His words to show my "ideal". my reply shows my "status". Maybe it will answer some of the questions i'm being asked.

And since i'm using His text, please let me sincerely say "Thank You, Sir. Your words mean much to me in this uncertain journey." 


Your email was one of the most thoughtful, intelligent ones I have received in years. If I didn't know better I would have thought you to be a clone of slave.

My slave was anything but a corporate 'look'. Most honestly saw her to either be a freak or very cheap whore. When she passed, she had over 500 pairs of heels, with only 2 pair being under 5". Her nails were never less than 6" her entire life and for most of her life her hair was past her knees. I knew her needs and fetishes and I used that knowledge to drive our relationship and her submission. She loved that I still needed and wanted to own her, never hid her.

When she became my slave, one of the vows were that WE never compromise who and what we are, to never take the easy road out and hide it for social convenience. It did have its social consequences, but for who and what we were...the compromising that would have been unfaithfulness to US.

That consistency, that never turning the ownership on and off...of never letting it be play, but rather a way of life, communicating worked well for me. Today unfortunately, its about you do your thing, I do mine and we meet to play. That is NOT what I seek.

Dear Sir,

i am awed by the details of Y/your relationship. It seems so amazingly open and fulfilling that i found it tangible. i feel a noticeable inner warmth right now just thinking about living in such a way. You were quite a lucky One. Wow. Y/your pride and courage in never compromising O/one's true natures in conformity to others' judgments is very admirable.

i am moved and flattered that You've complimented me as a "slave" because i know i've truly wanted so much to be one. i had a taste of it for awhile but realize i'd served an undeserving Dom. i was very fulfilled in my role and was absolutely bereft and displaced when i lost my station. i lost my "identity" for awhile.

After O/our contract was breached and i left, i dived into the man-pool and put miles of distance between Him and me. After a last e-mail exchange, in which i realized that He'd never see my side and understand why i felt so betrayed and reacted so strongly, it was truly, truly over for me. Knowing that three people, in what was supposed to be an open "family", conspired like Hamlet's witches behind my back made me sick to my core. And seeing in black-and-white that He was too "chickenshit" to tell me sooner (admittedly on His part), and that He'd never understand more than His own opinion that i'd damaged His precious reputation, i know i would never, ever be able to consider Him a "Master" again. The last words i wrote to Him, in my final response to His stone-wall, thick-headed opinions condemning my behavior and how it affected HIM, were to thank Him for letting me see the light. He'd never change, the collar was off and i was freed. It was glorious, and i slept better that night than i had in weeks.

i've had no remorse since then, and my anger has just turned to mirth and pity. i feel sorry for the bunch, and i laugh about it. T/they're really just role-players: Two nursemaids and an old man who screeches until His voice cracks about being a "God Damned Dom Master!!!" when He's upset, usually because He constantly thinks He's being criticized. He has a glass ego that cracks on a daily basis. i'm 100 times more of a genuine Lifestyler than any of T/them. In truth, He's a boring Dom, and once the "honeymoon" play-with-all-the-toys period ends after enlisting a new slave, He spends most of His time in nilla-land watching movies, talking incessantly about His 3 ex wives, His former military life and His previous slaves, and surfing on His ever-present computer searching for more women. i was slave #11 in His string. No wonder, in hindsight. The women He retains are too large, plain and physically limited as slaves to question His methods or justifications for His behavior as a "Master". They think they're living the "Lifestyle" but they're really just pawns and nursemaids to an "Upfront Philanderer". There is NO "Lifestyle" without HONESTY. It's one of the tenets of trust so essential to a successful D/s relationship. They'll cling to Him because they likely couldn't attract another man. my slave "sister" at the time was extremely large, older than me, diabetic and had an incurable and painful skin disease. she made little effort to lose weight, was extremely insecure and cried constantly, has no job, absolutely no money or support and lives with Him. i knocked myself out to dress beautifully, kept my house and His environment perfectly clean, prepared elaborate meals for Him, spoiled Him and doted on Him like a geisha, willingly crawling to Him on her knees to show her respect, humility and submission. Let His "slaves" drain His resources, yet barely even be able to kneel or clean the apartment. *laughs*. one doesn't even live in Florida yet. "ALOT" you can do ONLINE for a Master, uh huh. *smirks* Keep sending her Your money, "Master Wallet".

i was much too genuine and much too radiant, eager, alive and ready to participate in the real Lifestyle to swallow the bullshit for very long. His weaknesses unraveled as the months went on. i'd reached my final straw when His deception was unveiled and i am proud to have said "See Ya". One of His former cling-ons tried to diminish me by saying i'd lasted for less time than any of His slaves, but i find that to be a compliment! Thank you! That's right, i did, because i was smart enough to not put up with CRAP doled out by a FAKE. i recognized what was "right", and it wasn't Him. Keeping mostly covert, compartmentalized and separate relationships with several women is NOT true BDSM poly. It's more like His realizing that if the women compared stories they'd find out what lies were being told, so it's best to keep them away from each other because He's too weak of a Master to conduct a real poly family.

i spent some time mourning the loss of my Ownership and secure feelings of belonging to Someone. When i had to go to my first munch without my collar i felt stripped and shamed. i could barely look at A/anyone, but i knew i had to keep my face on the scene. i couldn't just die because of a Liar. i also realized what i was really missing was the "dream", not the reality of what i'd had. my conscience has shifted as i've kept going to the Lifestyle events and meeting other Doms, but unfortunately, that shift has turned more and more to apathy. There just doesn't seem a match for my secret needs. There doesn't seem like there exists Someone Who'd both deserve me and want me at the same time, besides being able to keep me and use me as i need to be. i don't think there's Anyone strong enough to tie me down now. i've become jaded, and my urge to serve has taken a back-burner to my "mistress of my own destiny" awareness. i can do whatever, or "Whomever" i want, and nobody gives a damn. And if they do, then i don't care. i just keep moving on, soaking up sensations and adventures, seeking scandals, sex, sadism and satiety.

Hmm, i like that last sentence. i may have to use that one again. *chuckles* Don't You love what just pours out of Your fingers sometimes?

So, what that boils down to is me living a feral lifestyle and tipping over garbage cans to see if there's a tidbit in one of them. Some have treasures, others are just full of trash. But my opinion on men is that almost all of them are disposable.

i'd be a wickedly bad candidate for Anyone seeking a good slave now. i've suppressed that urge to the point of just pulling it out for a scene and living as a Dominant for most of my nilla or dating existence. At one time, i thought that aspect of my personality made me more of a remarkable treasure when turned into a serving, willing submissive. Now i think it's just meaningless. *shrugs* i don't even think want to serve Anyone now. There's too many opportunities for fun out there, and sticking to one Dom just complicates everything and is like a hammer coming down on my festivities. Sooner or later, emotional attachments start to form, which is a tried-and-true track to disaster. Funny, as a rocker chick, i hate myself for this song popping into my head right now, but i can't help but hear the refrain from "The Gambler" by Kenny Rogers. i'd rather just play, take my chips and go, which is what You clearly DON'T seek in a female.

Too bad, so sad--Sometimes we build our own prisons. But mine's not so terrible. :) At least there's a lot of sex going on in this cell, with spankings and torments sprinkled in. Better than alot of people get in life. i still count my "blessings".

Warm Regards
~Crucifixia, The Princess Whore

8/21/2008 1:22:55 PM
August 21, 2008

How come once you get rolling on writing a journal stuff starts happening? i started this entry on July 17 but got off-track awhile ago and have been wanting to update. But, well... "stuff happened". A lot of stuff.

Last i left off in my tales was the early morning hours of "In-Da-Panties Day" (July 4th) weekend. That Dom from Ocala that visited me on the night of the Fourth was a FORTUNATE find.  After watching the fireworks along the Anclote River at a friend's house, i rushed home and was ready to make my own "bangs". *weg* After He arrived i quickly changed from my more pedestrian ensemble into some bad-girl black lace play clothes.  W/we talked a bit and chilled before i invited Him to my room to check out my "arsenal" and toy collection. He seemed enraptured and impressed at the same time. i went through the bedroom like a tour guide on an archeological dig, pointing out the drawers, bins and boxes of "artifacts". i had a whole drawer full of "dicks", one box full of cuffs, and organized hatboxes in graduated sizes stacked neatly and each full of categorically organized items like collars, "insertables", "accessories", "hooks, handcuffs and chains", and "miscellaneous". Then came the bin from under the bed bursting full of things to whack, spank, paddle, crop, cane, torment, discipline, and oh yes--- "reward" One's hapless subbie. For some sick reason my evil mind compels me to buy the most wickedly scary things. i always justify it to myself by imagining i'd be Domming some boy-toy for fun and make him feel the pain, but inevitably my Doms allllwwayyyys seem to want to use them on ME. Now how could that happen?? *chuckles*

"Ocala Dom" selected a variety of implements which ranged from harsh to mild. i was delighted to see that so many of my neglected toys were going to be finally out of the bin and put into action. When i had my Master He did use a few of my things, but mostly stuck with His routine and used the sets of floggers and paddles He'd bring with Him. That gets kinda boring after awhile, though. i was pleased and excited by this new One's selections.

i liked how He took control of the scene immediately. One of the toys i'd shown Him was a unique set of nipple clamps which are like two plastic C-clamps held together to make a circle. A screw runs through them both so, after putting the hole over the nipple, the clamp can be tightened most precisely to any desired pain level, from "mild to wild". Like a good little sub, i dutifully helped Him to attach each of these torture implements by pulling each nipple out straight by my nipple rings. He tightened each one until i gasped and groaned with resignation that the pain was "mine" now, and non-negotiable. Heat began to flow through my breasts and i was acutely aware that i no longer owned my own nipples.  He then blindfolded me and told me to get into position on the bed, and He undressed down to His underwear. He started me on my back and i quivered with expectation at what this new Dom had planned for me.

Taking one's sight is one of the most debilitating "handicaps" a Dom can inflict on a subbie. (i'm sorry if i offended any blind people with that opinion but, well, they won't be reading this anyway.) i could feel His hardened cock on my forehead as He leaned over me and felt my body, massaged my burning breasts, tugged at the tight clamps and stroked my trembling thighs. He positioned His still-clothed cock over my mouth and commanded in one simple word: Lick. i stretched my tongue and obeyed, licking until the fabric clung to His hard-on. He used different toys and His hand to spank my pussy and heat up my thighs even more. Rolling a pin-roller over them made my skin tingle, and feeling the soft fur of a rabbit pelt flogger's falls was divine. Pain and pleasure, pain and pleasure. After each time pain was administered He'd take His hand and rub it over my skin to both soothe the sting and to remind me of His constant presence. Well-instrumented. Good show. *nods*

He then had me turn over, which caused newfound sting in my captive nipples. Another groan escaped my lips. When i was belly-down and butt-up on the bed i lifted my head and His cock was right in front of me. He leaned His crotch into my face and i could feel it against my cheek, but He wouldn't allow me to use my hands or take it out.  He succinctly commanded: Lick. And lick i did again, until the cloth covering his cock must have hinted of a wet T-shirt contest.

As i focused my continued attention on His cock, He proceeded to spank and paddle my butt with various objects. One was a wicked, slim, long wooden paddle that made me squirm. He alternately used "mean" with "sensual" which was a total turn-on. i never knew which kind of sensation was coming. Spanking followed by a needle roller, then more spanking, then the softness of the rabbit fur, then more spanking, then a Wartenburg wheel, etc. i wish i could remember the order, but it all became an erotic blur in my mind later. What is certain is that it was delicious and made my heart beat fast. One of the best scenes i've had in a long time.

When i momentarily stopped my oral duties He was quick to ask me firmly if He'd told me to stop. Rut Row, Scooby; No, He hadn't. Being blind and vulnerable and fervently answering "Oh no, Sir. i'm very sorry, Sir" made my pulse pound. It felt gooooood.

He had me roll over onto my back again and spread my legs so He could view "His pussy". Any time i wavered and my knees tried to meet He loudly reminded me that He'd told me He wanted them OPEN. "Oh yes, Sir" i said, as i spread wide and tried to maintain courage. Thump thump thump. The fear made me feel alive. All of my nerves were tingling. His fingers' first touch on my crotch were like a jolt inside of me. He didn't have to penetrate me to make me feel like i was totally under His control. i knew during that time that my body was His completely to touch, use and torment at His will.

He removed His underwear and while spanking me more He commanded, "SUCK". The feeling of His cock entering my slave-mouth truly felt like a reward. His hand on the back of my head, scrunching my hair in His fingers and deep-throating me, felt so "normal".  If i may admit, there were several times that He had to pull back out of my mouth to "breathe" and hold off cumming. i suppose i am quite effective in that area. *smiles*

Sucking His cock continued to cause precipitation in my nether regions, so when He finally asked me if i was ready to get fucked now i eagerly replied "Yes, Sir" with His cock still in my mouth. i suppose it sounded more like "Yeth Thur" with a head nodding. He wanted to first take me while i was on my back. While i was still blindfolded He pulled my wrists above my head and cuffed them together through the open scrolled-metal headboard of my bed. (It is no accident that i have that kind of bed. i very deliberately shopped for something like it to enable many bondage points.) Having my hands cuffed like that instantly intensified my pulse rate and eagerness. When He opened my knees and penetrated me it was like those fireworks i'd seen earlier. Oh GLORY! i was doing a major abdominal crunch tilting my pelvis back. After awhile i desperately wanted to grab my ankles to keep that position but relieve my ab and thigh muscles from doing all the work. i gasped, "Oh please, let me grab my ankles, Sir!!!" and He was kind enough to release my wrists to better enable me to maintain. i reveled in abandon and was quite vocal as He banged me hard. 

When He'd had enough of me on my back i was told to "roll over" and i knew what was eventually coming. He told me, "I'm going to take your ass now, slut" and without much finesse began burying His cock to the hilt inside my hole. i cried out because it does hurt in the beginning, but as He moved inside me my thighs became white-hot and i could soon feel the orgasm building in my belly. He made me cum hard and loudly in that position because it feels so dirty, taboo and forced upon me, like a violation of my being. Gotta love that. *weg*. As i began to scream He grunted and groaned and unloaded His cum at the same time. He lay on top of my back for awhile breathing hard and joking that He was getting too old for such strenuous activity. When He slid off of me, I removed the condom He was wearing and like a good girl, got a warm, soapy cloth with which to cleanse His cock. I held the warm washcloth around His cock for a bit as i cleaned Him, to give Him a pleasurable sensation of heat. It was shortly afterwards that He was comfortable in my plush bed, spent from using me and sound asleep. That's when i came out to my desk and wrote my "screwed stupid" entry.

i went back to my room after a little while and my getting back into bed roused Him. He moaned and took His hand and pushed the back of my head "downward". i didn't need a GPS to know in which direction to go. my mouth encased His cock again and it grew quickly. i recall looking at the cable-box digital clock on occasion and know that i spent about 30 good minutes sucking that dick.

Understandably, He was pretty wiped out from a long day, a long drive and a vigorous session, and wasn't able to achieve another orgasm so soon. But, i didn't mind. my jaw was getting tired! He didn't mind either because He said it still felt incredible. i was happy and so was He. Perfect. It was shortly afterwards that a tired Dom was again in dreamland. i joined Him later in the sweet slumber of "the spent".

What a great time for both of U/us. *smiles*

There's more to tell about that Fourth of July weekend. A lot, as a matter of fact. *giggles* Wait till Y/y'all read about Sunday. lol. i'm posting this segment now to at least get another chapter in my journal done, but i'm not done yet....

Stay tuned for "The Return of the Biker Dom" and "14 Orgasms on Church Day". Coming soon to a porn theater near Y/you.



7/23/2008 7:46:42 AM
July 23, 2008

i've gotten very behind in my journaling, mostly because of "Someone", but that's done now. i'm compelled to write this entry because i feel like today's a day of transition for me once again. Tomorrow i leave for "Thunder in the Mountains" and while i thought i'd be coming home to focus on a relationship that i'd found myself in, i was able to see through the fog and realize it was not going to be so. Grrrr. my fault for being stupid and giving, i suppose.  See what happens when you get involved with Doms????  They're all flakes, i swear.  Somebody prove me wrong!!

Oh well, i'm sure i'll meet a few "Contenders" in my near future because this VERY single slave-girl is heading to one gigantic playground in Denver tomorrow. my my my.... No doubt i'll have lots to write about after i get back. i need to also fill in some days in my journal between now and the "July Fourth" weekend because they are part of my present developments. i definitely need to finish that story about the Dom from Ocala that visited me on "In-Da-Panties" Day. Last i left off in my tale i was "screwed stupid".  Have mercy! And that's not nearly all that happened that weekend.

Stay tuned. *winks*

7/4/2008 11:32:30 PM

July 5, 2008

(2:20 a.m.)

"Excuse me, Waiter, there's a man in my bed".

He's knocked out, i'm screwed stupid. Doped on endorphins. Fantasssssticccccc.

Thank God the neighbor's house is vacant.

More later... must sleep.  *grinzzzz*

7/4/2008 4:32:27 PM

July 4, 2008

Happy "In-Da'-Panties" Day.

Have things improved since yesterday afternoon. i knew if i didn't get discouraged and stopped being disappointed in that Dom that didn't like me that surely something would happen to cheer me up. It wasn't looking too good to start, as the evening approached and thunder in the distance was ominously alluding to rain soon. i was getting frustrated about the possibility that my Harley ride-date wasn't going to happen. The guy called me around 7 saying he was seeing dark clouds in the sky and before he even finished saying "but I can still come over if you want" i cut him off by saying "Oh well then, NO. i'm not doing a single damn thing for another man unless i finally get something for ME." He was irked but i stood firm and he respected my wishes. He said he was doing a "No-Rain Dance" at the moment while he was still at work and i told him to hire a Seminole if he had to and to call me later when he was home to see what the weather was like. Pray to the Double Doppler, Boy, pray.

i've been pretty freely giving my chat-time and physical time to men who have given me back no more than some orgasms, and hell, being "mysexual" i can give those to myself. i was doing it to put distance and experiences between me and my Former, for "validation", and partially to almost masochistically punish myself for being "alone" and "not worthy of having a Master". i'm glad my convoluted thoughts like that have gone down the drain. i'm not talking about trading sex for gifts or money here, but after receiving almost 550 emails in the last month-and-a-half relating to men who want to get with me, and having every one of the ones who did get a "one shot deal" from me now begging me daily for more of this "cupcake", i got some kind of affirmation that i was still desirable. Some got an easy ride but others may have to work harder for it. i'm in a different state of mind as i've healed my heart-wounds and hardened up again. Why shouldn't i feel that i'm worth more than just giving it away, right? All i wanted was a ride on a bike, not a diamond necklace.

So, good news is, God stopped sweating over me and it stopped raining. i guess He felt He was throwing the puppy a bone that day. Thanks!! woof woof, tail wag wag. The man came over and did exactly as he'd promised and i was in my glory feeling like the most awesome chick in the world riding through Tarpon Springs and all along the water. i made sure to look up into the night sky at the stars, smell the pungent trees, plants and sea-salt in the air, feel the vibration of the bike and my breasts against his back and take in every sensory stimulation i could so i'd remember it well later. He was very nice and i've got to give him high credit for pulling through for me. FINALLY, a man who was good on his word!

Of course i needed to show my appreciation. *weg*. And appreciate, i did, in the form of stripping off my pants and boots to reveal crotchless red fishnet hose, red panties and a red bra. i threw on a red babydoll nightie in the bathroom and got my "doll shoes" on: Platform black "stripper-pumps" with red ribbon woven around the opening and a cute red bow on the front. i was adorable and sexy as hell. His eyes lit up and took me in when i stepped into my bedroom and posed. Yes. Mission accomplished. Vanilla men seem to be mesmerized by a true submissive who will let them control and manipulate her. Once i was "in the moment" i lost my "grrrr, men suck lately" brashness i'd given him a dose of earlier and became the sexual treasure a trained slave can be. He was considerate of my needs and the start of the experience was him having me lay on my back on the bed and turn my face sideways so he could use my mouth while his hand went inside of my panties and found my special places. i writhed as i kept "busy" and it didn't take long for me to have an orgasm. After that, he got onto the bed and "let me" get between his legs to continue. Hmm... i see some definite dominant tendencies in this dude. He enjoyed a very prolonged experience of an Olympic-caliber blow-job performed by a highly-skilled female who likes doing it. You know how some of those vanilla bitches out there are: They don't "force themselves" to give oral unless it's a friggin' national holiday or their guy's birthday. A man can tell when a woman isn't liking it and i'm surprised they can even cum from it at all. i think it was Martin Lawrence who said in his HBO special that a woman who enjoys sucking cock is a beautiful thing. He's RIGHT.

After showing him my innate abilities to deep-throat without choking (and using my "secret" throat vibration technique *winks*) he was fighting hard not to climax so he stopped me and had me lay across the bed on my back and hang my head over the edge. Any girl that reads this knows that's a difficult position, but after spending mucho time being used by Doms and Masters this one was trained well in how to survive. i performed satisfactorily and as he became more and more excited his hand once again found my crotch and i was shortly lifting my pelvis off the bed. Ohhh yessss. i rested my ass down again but then my legs were quickly pulled into the air back to his shoulders, to the point were i was literally upside down doing a major ab crunch and looking like a croissant. He kept working on me with his fingers and Holy Mother of God did i cum hard again. So hard i totally drenched my underwear in one of those infamous "squirts" you hear about. It was a bit embarrassing, but i was so gone when it was happening that i didn't care. i couldn't believe how wet my panties' crotch was later when i removed them. Kudos to the designer who invented suspender-top hose, too.

The event was finished after he spent alot of time holding off cumming and again had me on the bed between his legs, on my stomach with my shoes pointing towards the ceiling. He was quite dominant for a nilla guy and knew i liked it. Best thing is he's so hooked on my skills that as i continued working on him he spoke of "rewarding me" with another bike ride in the near future. *mischievous smile* Now who's really in charge here??? *winks* Got 'em!

As satisfied as i am getting a throatful of cum and knowing that this pleaser-girl can make a man happy that way i realize i just may be cursing myself, too. my head's been so good that lately i think it's keeping me from getting LAID! Lord have mercy, no! lol.

But not to worry. Being fully aware that a girl has to sometimes be pro-active in achieving her own happiness i've already got more irons in the fire. i did have a date this afternoon lined up with a 26 year-old CUTE fireman (the old gal shoots, she scores!) but at the last minute he was called into work by his lieutenant. That's one "hose" that's going to be attached to a crying hydrant today. lol. Sorry! Did i dismay? Absolutely not. i understand real life and work obligations. i just moved on and began chatting in Yahoo IM with more candidates. After i finish this entry i'm taking my two fireworks and a bowl of awesome macaroni salad over to a friend's house on the river to a nilla gathering, then i'm back home by about 10:30 to meet a man who is driving almost two hours to come see me. He's very nice. Was just offering me friendship and a kind ear in the past if i needed one, but after spending hours on the phone today talking with him and learning about each other lo and behold i discover He was a former Lifestyler, now divorced, Whose wife was His sub. Ka-ching!! He knows the drill, knows the rules, knows the limits and is very sweet, too. And at 46, He's a perfect age for me. Everything still WORKS! *chuckling*

Ohhhhhh it's good to be me. i am really looking forward to tonight. Yes, indeed. He's very sexual and loves tit torture and that's right up my alley. And BDSM with sex included is GRAND.

Saturday i'll be going to the Clearwater Munch meeting, a new one for me. i've heard there's a good group there. i'll TRY not to scope for Doms and remind myself i'm supposed to be keeping myself in Nilla Land but, oh, it's sooooo hard! The only thing i don't like about this opportunity to meet new colleagues is that it's at a place called Wild Willie's in Largo and i dread going  there. That's were the biker Dom who hurt me lives and taking a now-familiar path to almost exactly where i got "used" makes my stomach tight. Like re-visiting a bad place, ya know? But hell, He doesn't own the whole town.

After the munch, believe it or not, i already have another date. *chuckling again*. This one's with a repeat guy i first was "enjoyed by" at the dungeon who then spent the following Saturday night at my house. And i will say this: He is one fun fuck. Yeah, i said the word. Nobody to keep me from swearing now, is there??! That Saturday last time was like being on a honeymoon. Every way, every hole, over and over and over and over and... Well, Y'A/all get the picture. Oh my, oh my. *grins*

By Sunday i should have permanent afterglow. lol

Now what is it that i was crying about a few days ago????

Time ticks. The sun is getting low. Got to throw on some sexy clothes now and get my ass to the river to watch the fireworks. As spectacular as they may be though, they'll pale in comparison to mine.











7/3/2008 12:35:31 PM

July 3, 2008

(2:45 p.m.)

Not feeling so good at the moment. i have that date with the Nilla guy tonight but it's mid-afternoon and i'm settling in to having my house to myself now. i should be joyous! my son has flown off to His dad's place and my number-one stressor and "cock-blocker" is out of my environment, but i am feeling such an emptiness inside right now that it's making me drink glass after glass of water to fill me up. It's not because i miss him either, trust me. Sad to say but my son is extremely self-centered, disrespectful and unappreciative of me. i really think he hates me. He's made me shed many tears over time while wondering what i ever did to deserve to be treated like crap by him for most of his life. Ohhhh... i know what it is: He's a little MAN.

i'm on the "concentration camp" diet now, too... not eating. There's one of my "good things of the day" to be said about that though: Coming home from the airport i survived being at the Cracker Barrel with my mother and her man. While they stuffed themselves with carbs, sugar and fat i had water, skim milk, coffee and tomato juice with tabasco. Gotta get thinner before that photo shoot. Maybe if i do i'll be more appealing to the masses, too.

i feel so friggin' lost right now i can't stand it. i'm mad at myself for feeling it, too!!! i can't be weak. Can't can't can't can't. If i had money i think i'd pay somebody just to hold me and tell me things were going to be alright. Yeah, IF i had money. There's stressor number two. i am drowning in this economy. NO THANK YOU to you, President Bush. i wish someone smoked your ass a long time ago. i deposited my monthly commission check (my sole income) today and it was pathetic. my bank balance is so low i almost have a desperate look in my eyes and i'm behind a few weeks in my mortgage. my job in chemical (glycol) sales is in part affected by new construction (in New England) aint happening now. my last two checks were the worst i've seen in eight years. Oh Lord, where's that Sugar Daddy when you need him? Don't even buy me diamonds, Baby. Open a bill, write out a check and i'll cum on the spot.

O.K., i was kidding there. Truthfully, i'm very independent, pay my own way and have always been the main bread-winner in my family unit, when it did exist. i still support a growing, eating, spoiled teen, who has more clothes than Paris Hilton, mostly by myself. i'm a very giving person, but i have a hard time accepting generosity from anyone and usually insist on paying or at least contributing my financial share to anything i do with someone else. But, it's a nice dream to think about being one of those women who don't have to work and have a partner coming home with a paycheck in hand. Yes! i'll be your concubine and household servant, Mister Man! You just keep those lights on and the water running.

Enough dreaming now. i'm starting to look like i feel sorry for myself. This journal entry wasn't really worth reading to A/anyone else, but writing it helps me to focus and find those eternal bright-spots i try to inspire others to find, too. Stop whining, bad slave! Maybe i'll ball-gag myself as punishment. lol.

It's raining now. i was told when i was a kid that it's "God's tears". i don't believe that. i just KNOW it's because He's working so hard right now to answer my prayers that He's sweating.




7/2/2008 8:51:58 PM
July 2, 2008

Today was kind of ordinary, as days go. Did some work, chatted, answered sperm-infested emails and brought my teen son to DMV for the second time to try and get his learner's permit to drive. (God i feel OLD!) Turns out i had the wrong "version" of his birth certificate and needed the official "state" one, not the hospital one which i've used for every other incidence i've needed. Has A/anybody ever gone to DMV and had the right paperwork??? Ugh.

Oh well, it'll be his dad's problem now, as tomorrow i send my spawn off to his father in CT for a whole MONTH. Oh Glory! i'm very excited about having all that free time to myself, and "others". *winks*. Admittedly, i'm still sad and angry over the aformentioned biker Dom that dumped my slavely ass and had told me W/we'd been having a fun Fourth of July weekend in St. Pete, but i focus on the fact that it was probably just a lie anyway. Can't miss what wasn't there to begin with, right?

i'd made a big pot of stew in the anticipation of bringing some to that Dom and after force-feeding it to my son all week i finally dumped the rest into the dog's dish tonight. The sign of a dead relationship: Feeding "your Man's" food to the dog. Oh well, at least it was enjoyed by Timber.

What to do what to do what to do.... i'm sure something will happen soon. It'd be just too pathetic to spend the night by myself and light off the two fireworks i have from Him (i guess a parting gift for my making Him cum a bunch of times. Thank you, Bob Barker.) i need to make my own "fireworks" somehow. And will.

i have a nilla date tomorrow to go for a Harley ride with a guy i met a few weeks back but had shelved (NICELY, with an honest explanation, unlike SOME people) in deference to the new Dom's wishes. i'm going to make sure that dude has one hell of a satisfying time.

i always expect something good to happen each day, and today's "good thing" came in the form of an email i received on here from a professional fetish photographer who's interested in taking my picture. Wow, i was flattered! i couldn't understand at first why he'd want to take MY photo... i'm a big girl, Y'A/all know, but hell, beauty, especially in the BDSM community atmosphere of acceptance of all types, is not always determined by dress size. i know i still have a pretty face, nice eyes and a rack. lol. So... who knows... i could be tied up and "famous" someday. What an ego boost that was.

Every day is a chance for something great to happen. Sometimes it's all a matter of perspective. i'll put on my rose-colored glasses now and be ready for tomorrow. 


7/1/2008 8:04:48 PM

July 1, 2008

Well, i've ventured on now to journaling. i felt compelled because i've gotten so many nice emails from people in here who've read my profile and wished me well, and asked me to keep it updated. Thanks, F/folks. Y/your words mean alot to me.

i've also been inspired to begin my ramblings and rants by a Dom in my "network" Whose journals impressed upon me greatly. If Y/you're a Lifestyler or a newbie W/who's taking the time to read this, i urge Y/you to read the profile and journals of "DominusDolor". His words are right on-the-money about safety, reality and the responsibilities of genuine Doms. i agree with His discouragement over the players and fakes and users that are drifting around here and on other sites.

Which brings me to my "angst of the day". Question:
What the HELL is wrong with Doms???

Ok, ok, calm down. Put those paddles down now, Boys. And spurned subbies n' slaves, i can feel you nodding in commiseration. i hear ya, sistas.

If Y/you're reading this far then Y/you've surely read my profile and know i was heart-broken and disillusioned by a self-entitled "Master" who won my trust, collared me, made me happy and then broke that trust by LYING to me. In His own words in an email He sent afterwards, He was "just too chickenshit" to tell me the truth. Great. A "Master" intimidated by His slave. Oh LORD what a mistake i made with Him.

Well, i'm past that now. The hurt and anger has just turned to pity for Him and His bevy of new victims. He was a poly Master, which i knew of and was fine with. He already had one slave living at His apartment with whom i shared both Thanksgiving and Christmas at MY home and put out a spread of food, decorations and gifts like i was "Mark-me Stewart". i even let T/them use my bedroom while i slept on the couch, just to make her feel comfortable. i was wonderful to both of T/them. i'm also 42 and He was 66. He should have felt lucky to have such a younger, pretty woman at His feet, kissing them, worshipping Him and loving Him as "Master" of her world.

But was He satisfied with me and my "sister"? Noooooo. Of course not! He just had to keep grabbing grabbing grabbing at slave candidates like a man in one of those game show money booths with just a minute on the timer to snatch as much cash as he can. Turned out He'd been hiding a new slave from me for months. This was surely violating His claim of being "openly poly". He also adamantly assured me of His honesty and integrity. Lying: A sign of a very WEAK man.

Why can't Doms, and even just vanilla men, EVER be satisfied with what they have right in front of Them? my opinion--it's Their fear of Their own mortality and the need to project virility as they age. Must be, because the only other answer is that They are infantile, selfish little children inside. i don't want to believe that or i might as well invest in some Pampers.

After i left my "Former" due to what i feel was a breach of O/our contract, i needed validation and assurance that i was still desirable, but didn't want any type of emotional involvement. Despite my being elusive and slippery, and keeping my heart and genitalia out of the Dom pool and playing safely in Nilla Land (thanks to Adult Friend Finder), i was caught off-guard this past month by meeting a Lifestyle Dom who found me on this site. Oh HELL. The puppygirl's foot got snapped into a biker Dom's bear trap. In reflection, i should have gnawed off my paw.

His physical superiority to me, mannerisms, control methods, strictness and consistency in His threats were like liquor to this slave. One thing that previously disappointed me in Masters i'd served was that They'd outline consequences for actions but never follow through on them when mistakes were made. LAZY. That dilutes Their authority in my mind and is an open door to a wild puppy running rampant. This Guy seemed to mean business and laid out the rules pretty quickly. For one thing, i'd be a "lady", and in His definition that meant dressing properly and enticingly, acting respectfully, and not using profanity. Ok, the first two were easy; i'm a fashion-princess who loves sexy clothes, lingerie and shoes, and i'm already a trained slave, but i grew up tough and defensive and hung around with alot of guys early on, so cursing was part of my peppered vocabulary. That one took some fortitude. Three times i messed up accidentally and was "corrected" severely and left marked as a reminder. i had to taste soap in my mouth and even had to write "i will not swear" 500 times by hand when i got home, too. Times like those make me wish Zest came in Sour Cream n' Onion scent! i had a love/hate feeling for the physical punishments. Gosh were they hard! i was whipped with a belt and beaten countless times with a long-handled wooden bath brush. Those bastards at Bed, Bath & Beyond don't know what kind of SICK store they're running there!! But inside, as i was sobbing outwardly, i was grateful to Him for caring enough about me to keep His word. It seemed like He meant what He said in every way, and that made my slave-heart pound. Thump, thump, thump, Master. Through tears after each time i said, with a quivering lower lip, "Thank You for teaching me, Sir."

So far, so good, right? Sorry to say but, NOPE! After seeing this Dom four times at His place and being what i thought was very good, obedient and accommodating, suddenly He just went cold on me. Hmmm... Makes a girl wonder alot about what she's done wrong to be just abandoned like that. Was it when i brought dinner to Him, or when i was taking His discipline at His whim, or when i was giving Him euphoria-producing blowjobs? Doesn't seem too wrong to me. Any votes, Guys?? For days after i left His home for what i didn't realize then was the last time i behaved properly, kept my language clean even when nobody was watching, kept from being "my-sexual" and having orgasms through masturbation (Y'A/all know that requires "permission"!) and planned on being ready for the next time i was summoned. Turns out that the next time wasn't going to come. How ironic that on that last night i was punished harshly with a switch (that i had to cut from my own yard!) for a previous night leaving His condo while He was sleeping and "running away". He then turned around and threw me away. Even in Nilla Land, when you call a guy after he's ignored you for five days and he says "I'll call you back later", and doesn't, it's time to take a hint.

So that leads me to the question: What the hell do Doms want? Ok, so maybe i just didn't qualify as His dream woman for some reason or other, but He'd told me i was a "keeper", that i'd cast a spell on Him, that He liked me so much it scared Him (now i know that's a red flag) and spoke of plans for how O/our future would pan out, both in coming days and in the distance. Maybe i was just being naive and lonely (grrrrr) and wanting to be with Someone else to feel important and put distance between me and my Former. But still, His "ad" on this site seemed to describe what i was giving. He'd said i was beautiful and seemed to want a slave for long-term. He admonished me (and pinched my damn cheek!) any time i was negative and doubted my abilities to be a good slave to Him. But, as i find more and more, Doms just don't know what They want. They're commitment-phobes. It just never seems "good enough". Can They ever get over the "grass is always greener" thing? Can They ever be happy with what's right in front of Them? Truthfully, i'm starting to feel that They're all insecure and that i have more balls than any of the Doms i've knelt before.

Trying to figure out where i went wrong also makes me wonder: If a woman is supposed to be elusive and not let a man get the milk for free without buying the cow then how does she balance that concept with being a submissive and being obedient? Seems subs and slaves are especially vulnerable to falling into the hands of users in their urge to be compliant and pleasing. Being trained by Masters to be a whore/slut makes it even more difficult because i do deliver. i'd better tread lightly and carry a big stick. Maybe even a Taser!

The BDSM world seems full of FAKES, especially with the advent of the internet. Old-school Lifestylers groan and tell me it's opened the door to poseurs, role-players and wanna-be's. This site and ones like are loaded with them. Just today i laughed hard at a pseudo-"Dom" who'd written to me in the past, complimenting my photos, then wrote to me again yesterday telling me he likes to travel and wants to see me. Today he writes to me one line asking "So do you like pain?" In my present mood over the biker dude i was not going to bandy about with this guy. He was from Kentucky and had no immediate potential to play with me and i didn't find him very physically appealing anyway. i like big, tall men who make me feel small and he was neither. No big deal. i'd have never said such a thing and possibly hurt his feelings, so i'd just politely said thank you for his interest. i've always been respectful when replying to those who take time to write to me but today i just basically told him that it was a stupid question to ask and i didn't know what he was fishing for but i wasn't biting, and that i was pretty down on Doms currently besides. How hilarious his response was now that he'd gotten a blunt refusal! Suddenly i get an email reply about how "disgusting, fat and old" i look and told me to take a look at the wife he married and how she made me look like crap. His profile photo is actually his wedding photo, lapel carnation and all. LOL. Ohhhh, so cheating on your wife, too huh? If his wife is so hot then why is he even on this site trying to solicit submissives and sex???? i rolled my eyes, wrote back about how lame his "insults" were, told him to take a look in the mirror and reported his message to collarme. Is this what's out there??? Oh mercy!

If "jaded" could have an exponent attached i'd be jaded² . But hope still burns brightly in me, and i also believe strongly in the power of "you get back what you give". i know an old man on the east coast of Florida who will someday die alone with ZERO women around Him to care, and now a badass biker Dom who's going to fall in love with a woman someday who will take HIM for a ride. Karma works. And that means that i will end up owned by a wonderful Master someday who will appreciate how special, smart, funny, pleasing, generous, devoted and kind this slave girl is. And He'll have a huge... um... flogger. It's my destiny and i'm damn sure going to be open to it happening. Nobody's gonna piss out my campfire!

So, what's next for me, besides keeping my intimate encounters limited to nilla guys for now? i just signed up to attend "Fetish Convention, Tampa" in August and still have "Thunder in the Mountains" on the horizon at the end of July. my birthday is in exactly two weeks and i'm NOT planning on spending it alone. There's a whole buffet of life out there for me to enjoy and i think i see something wrapped in bacon up ahead.

The World is my ben-wah ball.

God is my Sugar Daddy.

Life's too short to not be me



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