Putting thoughts into words;

I don't know if its just me, but every now and then i feel like an outsider looking in. I am feeling so out of place and get the vibe that either 1) others are not sure how to approach me or 2) My jokes are being taken seriously when its just me being me "Silly"
A lot of reactions from the last party I went to keep swirling through my head and it has me questioning myself. :(

So I think I'm just going to put this out there, if you are unsure if I am joking or being serious please ask. I rather that one moment of awkwardness then every time I see you the stupid thing I may have blurted out taken wrong and offended you. I don't know why but I am feeling really unsure about myself. Maybe its because I have been putting myself out there but not getting any responses makes me worry like ahh whats wrong with me.

ok so I know I'm not perfect and I know not everyone is going to see me or think of me as their bff's and I do accept and take responsibility for being over whelming sometimes, like when I get hyper but I'm really not bad :(
I'm sorry if I have offended anyone or made anyone feel uncomfortable I really didnt mean too. :( :( :( :(

In a nutshell
INFJ - DEION

INFJs are kind, mindful, complex and highly intuitive people. This is the most rare personality type of all, only 1 percent of the population has it.

They like to organize their outer world in categories and priorities they never stop redefining. However, they have a great intuition and deal with their inner life very spontaneously. They perceive and understand things very intuitively and are very rarely wrong about their intuitions. This dichotomy between their inner and outer life may result in INFJs being less organized than other Judging types.

Because of their great instincts, INFJs understand people and situations very easily. They often feel when something has happened to some of their friends of family members even if they cannot really explain to themselves how they perceived it. Those strong intuitive capabilities may lead them sometimes to stubbornness and ignoring other people's opinions since they trust their instincts above everything else. This attitude should not be perceived as arrogance as INFJs are perfectionists and think they should always improve themselves and the world around.

INFJs set up a strong value system for themselves and always care about living in accordance with their values and ideals. They are warm and easy going as long as they do not have to compromise their values.

Warm and caring, they hate conflicts and will avoid hurting people. They will generally internalize their anger which can be a source of stress and health problems for them.

In the work place, most INFJs show up in creative and independent positions. They are good at art and sciences where they can use their intuition at best. They are generally bad at dealing with details and prefer working on the big picture.

INFJs are natural nurturers, protective and devoted. They make loving parents and build strong bonds with their children.

Its one of those days I just feel plain ugly. No matter what I do I cant shake it and it hurts me.
I dont know people say am beautiful but I cant see what they see. sometimes we like to believe our parents have no real affect on our lives but the truth is they do. Maybe why I am so messed up. Who knows my mom always tells me how ugly I am she has for the longest time. I have never been good enough for her. Im too fat she finds nothing beautiful about me and she always tells me that.

Didnt help the other day when someone told me I have to get surgery to become skinny.
I got meat on me no doubt but why do people have to be so harsh in their treatment of others. I get the in life there is always room for improvements but did it ever cross peoples minds that sometimes there are things in life that you can not control? I can not afford to eat 5 small meals a day I work out, I mean I have to for what I take at school and am not a size 0 Ill never be a size 0 I never was a size 0

But it just means I will never be good enough

I may not be beautiful, a size 1 or have all the riches life can give but I know I have a heart that's big would help anyone I could and sometimes being shy is my worst enemy but I am me and if that makes me a bad person than so be it. I rather be ugly to the world than to change my heart because I know what love is I know what innocence is and I know what it means to have been truly hurt by others where I live I have 6 people I can call friends 5 of which I hardly ever see and everyone else ignores me dislikes me when they do not even know me. I sit here at home alone it hurts but each day I go to school I smile no one knows how I feel and I never tell them its hard sometimes to get out of bed knowing the loneliness that I will dread. No one knows am funny and likes to laugh or girly and loves to dance no one knows how I saved 3 cats and Id do more no one knows how i helped care for a baby with FAS and how I miss him or that I want to adopt 5 not 3 lonely babies just so I can love them no one knows because in the eyes of the world am no one but me a girl with no money whos shy and alone with a huge heart no ones cares to know.....

Just because I am a submissive does not mean I am an easy lay!
Just because I am a Submissive does not mean that "ANYONE" has the right to Dominate me!
Just because I am a Submissive does not mean I am cheap easy or a sleezy whore!

Because I am a Submissive I choose to give my heart my soul my entire self to someone I choose who has the right to own them to protect what has been given to them to cherish that gift knowing that if its not respected it can be taken away from them at any moment.

So because I am a Submissive I am "NOT" a prostitute I never will be one nor will I ever become one.

Because I am a Submissive I have self respect and self honor
Because I am a Submissive I love myself enough to know what I need in my life and I am confident enough to share that with whom I choose to share that with
Because I am a Submissive I allow myself to be me without concern for what others think of me.
Because I am a Submissive I am brave I am strong and I am in control

Because I am a submissive I am able to be me!

((this does not go out to anyone specifically I am just feeling over whelmed by the amount of men who think they have the right to do as they please just because I am a submissive and they dont have that right no one has that right and no one will ever have that right UNLESS I agree to give it too them))

God I am in tears right now because I just feel sooo cheap because of how others perceive the meaning of submission!

It has been awhile since I have written anything here.

I miss writing sometimes and if i was not as tired as i am right now I would write a whole book. 

Tonight the only Daddy in my community made me feel extremely uncomfortable. Wanting me to role play my own real rape when I was 4. 

I understand rp rape but that was going to far and it was very insensitive. The truth is I am so messed up because of that rape. 

I think that if I was blessed with a healthy childhood than as an adult i would not be so needy as an adult. 

I guess it is a good thing being that I am a submissive being needy of the right Daddy is ok. 

all I want is to be loved and its lacking I wish there were more Daddies in my community.

Well I am off to dream of a land where Daddies and bbgs live together happily. Daddy taking care of his bbg and his bbg being a good obedient little girl who listens and pleases her Daddy, 

I spooked myself tonight... I really hate when I do that. :( 

While I was in the shower I thought I saw someone look around the door and of course I didnt but my mind playing tricks you know. So I tried to brush it off but of course that didnt happen and while I was washing my face felt like someone was watching me... :S so although I know am alone I am still spooked and quite a bit shaky .....

Is why I hate being alone at night :(

A sleepless night for me it shall be.. blah

To open up to someone and tell them everything that the feel and think is about one of the hardest things in life to do. We claim we want to hear what the other is thinking feeling but in reality how much do we really want to know. 

Hearing about someone thoughts or feelings gives another a huge burden of what to do with what has been told. We tend to judge first yet not realizing this is actually what we wanted in the first place. 

How does one expect the other to open up and feel safe from judgment and to trust if they know that when and if they do they will loose that person or a chance with that person. 

I will never understand life. A lot of people are broken am one yes am broken I hurt every day but how can I ever heal if I can not freely speak how do I mend alone its almost impossible ...

:(

Right from the start you were a thief you stole my heart, and I your willing victim. I let you see the parts of me that weren't all that pretty, and with every touch you fix them. <3

So I felt brave today and sang a little on my journal but am unsure if it worked will be interesting to see if it did.

Warning I am not a great singer and am a little unsure of what possessed me to do this... I am however in a sharing mood so that could be why

I am so tired of winter :( We are so limited when its this cold, I love winter when there is a balance of warm and snow. But right now its just plain cold. 

I miss summer and cute dresses and playing in the water reading outside...

I have a full out pout happening I really wish I could play outside right now .... :(

A flutter outside my window its dark I can not see very well, but there he was pale beautiful. I have never seen one like him before and I stare into his eyes taking in all his beauty... He whispers let me in my dear and am mesmerized his words are like the most beautiful piece of music I have heard. Yet I hesitate, I can not understand how he is outside my window my heart racing its like he owns my mind my soul again he whispers let me in. This time an order my heart freezes there is something about him that scares me yet I want him. My hand slowly opens the window and I remember nothing except suddenly I am under this strange man. He is pining me down and I have no escape I try to struggle against him but I cant. I gasp as he looks deep into my eyes .... and says it was wrong of you to keep me waiting like you did... What shall I do with you. A shiver ripples threw my whole body and he chuckles. He pushes his knee between my legs and forces them apart. I can not fight him he is too strong. In one of his hands my hands are bound by his long fingers and with his other he grabs me by the hair pulling my head to the side exposing my neck he looks at me and grins a grin that chills my blood. Suddenly he bites down hard relentless, I scream out my body trying to escape his hold am helpless. He continues biting holding not letting me loose. In my mind I remember the fear I had before opening the window and now I am questioning myself as to why I did not listen. Suddenly he stops biting and he pulls down the top of my night gown exposing my full breasts he cups one pinching and rolling the nipple between his fingers and the other he sucks hard. I scream again it hurts hes biting but it feels so good. I start to grind my hips against his knee and he chuckles .... Tell me do you think you deserve more for making me wait outside all this time? I whimper please Sir I wont do it again. He does not say a thing releasing my hands and pulling me up he brings me to my bed. I look back to the floor where I was once laying and notice the pool of blood that is left behind I gasp. Feeling my neck its wet warm I look at my hand its full of blood I look down at my breast more blood... I start screaming he starts laughing, my dear what ever is the matter.... Just a little blood nothing to be worried about. I can not escape his hold as he pulls me to my bed my doom. I am crying screaming but to no avail he tosses me down on my bed like a rag doll and when I roll to run he grabs me hes on top of me again pinning me much like before but only this time he is tying me to my bed I am helpless once again. I start begging him please please dont hurt me. But all he does is laugh, again hes at my neck but the other side now he bites down hard I scream this time he stops... Looking into my eyes blood around his lips, he brings one finger up "shhhhh" he says stop screaming, Im almost done. He undoes his shirt his body is flawless, now his belt and his pants. I watch him with wondering eyes scared yet desire pulsates threw my whole body. Suddenly he bites down on my other breast I let out a piercing scream. His hand is at my mouth and now all there is, is a muffled noise... MMMmm that's better I told you to SHHHHH keep quiet your such a disobedient little thing arnt you. He keeps his hand over my mouth and suddenly I feel him inside me taking his way with me I struggle to move to get away but I cant with every thrust he makes my body craves for more. I stop struggling and start moving with him. He chuckles hes back on my breast latched on sucking biting and yet I don't care. I don't want him to stop I feel myself start to reach my climax he sees it in my eyes and orders me to cum and I do my body jerking twitching while the pleasure runs through me. He follows shortly after then lays down resting his body on mine and whispers you will belong to me for eternity. He bites his wrist shoving it into my mouth he orders me to do drink and I do becoming bound to him always...

When I am sad the need to play is higher then any other time. God I hate feeling the need to play it hurts sometimes this stupid need I can never fulfill 

I am feeling really Sad today :(

Grinding your teeth?? Getting Headaches because of grinding?? I know I am :( So tonight I thought hmm what is a way that I can temporarily prevent myself from grinding that was cost efficient .... A scarf gag .... yep I took one of my scarfs and twisted it and gagged myself while I slept and I woke up headache free....

Easy free and it worked until I can a ford to go to a dentist ...

lol who would have known my potential toys would come in handy for something other then sex lol

I know I said I will not be here anymore... but I wanted to check it out see if anything new happened. 

I read a very inspirational profile today it was refreshing. And it made me smile :)

I would like to thank everyone here who has helped one in my journey... but I do not believe that cm is going to help me in my quest. I wish you all the best..

Fair Well...

I understand that there are a lot out there that just want to know how to use me or how I enjoy being used. However this does not appeal to me. I do not like indulging in ideal sex talk. It goes no where and being that I do have a brain in my head I find it rather boring. 

I enjoy conversation that is stimulating to me. If you make me think about what I have to say in a reply even better. I am not unintelligent and knowing this about myself I think it is important to utilize it. Away to prevent Alzheimer is by exercising your brain and making it tick. 

Its who I am I do apologies I am just tired of the messages of so how can I bend you over and fk the shit out of you. You would probably get more out of me if there was a conversation to be hold.

Just Saying!

wondering what the big deal of fisting is. Although it is a very hard limit for me I would never cross I am curious why it is liked so much!? has no one ever seen the size of a fist ouchies....

here is a song that has caught my attention and I felt I would share today.... 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=smiFk6KHr_8

enjoy

My mood today is of one that some may call interesting or hmm weird ... I feel like I can write volumes of times untold.. Times of superstitions when vampires and werewolves roamed the lands. Of a time when women wore dresses and men wore suits not because they have to but because it was what men do. 

It is funny what a simple question can awaken in a soul of another. The world that is now with plastic cards that give us money communication thats just clicks away and travel to even as far as space, was never thought of but few during the times my heart seeks. 

 Sometimes you meet an odd one off who say they were born into the wrong generation that no matter how they feel the world and how they see it is completely different. That is me. Yes I never express this its kind of off for me to express it now. But I wonder what happens to a soul after it has left its person that it has lived in for so many years known to and loved by others. where does it go? 

 If we take a religious approach then all souls will and do go to heaven. But lets step back a moment step away from the "norm" of society what if souls find and cling onto a new person after they have parted from another? would that make sense of those who feel like the time and era they are apart of strange? Or would some psychologist pass it off as multiple personalities to make it fit into the "norm" of today. society has what they classify as the basic "norms" but it makes me pose a question... what is norm really? what is normally and acceptable to one is most certinally not normal to another. 

 Dom/sub relationships how does that fit into the "norm" well honestly just look at the site and see. There are so many people here from all over the world if we gathered in one place and lived openly how we fell like that in and of its self would be seen as a norm. subs on leashes in the market or being used anywhere at any time. Not one of us here would see that as something wrong or weird .... However done in open society in any other community it may even make it to the news. So how and why has it become so weird in society when just a few hundred years ago it was actually normal to some extent. Men did what they wanted when they wanted and women followed. 

 My heart longs for those days at times the days of beautiful dresses and done up hair. Of horse drawn buggies and the smell of apple cider in the air.

A time when trust and respect were earned and not taken advantage of and women were innocent to some extent. ....

 And yet when my grandmother asked to read fifty shades of gray my auntie and I looked at each other and said "ya! no way"  smh she thought she may learn a new thing or 2 giggles.....

When I read some of the stuff I read about D/s relationships or see some of the photos I think.. WOW its like I am a virgin... no other way to describe my ignorance or innocence?? When I am asked what do I like or how do I like it I honestly seriously have no idea what so ever. Pathetic I know. But I know who I am deep down inside me. I want my Daddy I want to be Daddies little girl, and please Him I long for that. The more I read about the relationships between Daddies and their little's the more I long the more I feel lonely. So much as happened to me over the past few months ah months is short years, life even that I long for the comfort and safety that a Daddy holds. I know I can be a total brat sometimes and when am drunk I have no filter but I am me I laugh and smile and joke and play I am missing that in my life and it hurts its hard looking for the right Daddy who will help me be all I can be who will help me grow and expand my mind my abilities. Who I can love and be loved by. Rules are meant to be broken or bent just a little it makes life interesting and fun. I can babble on and on tonight. I wish there was someone around to talk to about things other then if I like cock or if I dress sexy or how do I like being spanked..... because quite honestly what little girl does not like any of those?! .... 

Sighs I have a brain inside my head I wish I had someone to have an intelligent conversation with tonight.

sighs I wrote a whole long journal and it was erased for some stupid reason and I am not in the mood to rewrite it gong to read my book now...

 "Never reject those who love, care and to reach out to you, because oneday you'll realize you lost the moon while counting the stars!"

Why do some thing that being rude is the way to get someone to submit to them.. 

Sorry that was such a rude message. 

If anyone wants me to submit it is most certainly not by insulting me. To be able to hand myself over to a Dom that takes trust and trust is not just freely given. 

oh well nothing seems to matter anymore

I spoke to my school counselor the other day, about my desire of being a sub. His response caught me off guard. For me he actually thought it would be a good idea in a safe environment with someone I can trust. 

Pointing out that it would help me get that release I am looking for when I get piercings. Its part of who I am and how I coup. I dont see the problem with changing ones look if it is not harming anyone. I need to do something and I normally just cut my hair off and dye it funky colours. But right now I cant do that so I got some new lip piercings. 

My heart is aching right now, and I do not expect anyone to understand.. Some say its just a cat but if you knew me you would know how sensitive I am how attached I easily become and you would understand how me having to put my cat to sleep would have this bad affect on me. Being alone without comfort is just killing me and I have this stupid above average visual memory that now has him dying in my arms playing over and over and over again. Every detail engraved in my mind forever 

Its been a long day.... sighs

So something on my mind its aching and I feel quiet annoyed by it. 

..... ok Daddys what do you say about this ....

Your bbg has insomnia she has not slept in a week with just little bits here and there. 

She followed your rules of being in bed by midnight but still she just lays there. You see it in her face her personality shes become whiny cries about everything she needs sleep. Then one day her body finely surrenders to sleep and she passes out she has a nap and sleeps mostly all of a night. At 6am you wake her up and tell her its time to get the day started but she looks at you and says Daddy please please I cant wake up right now my body my mind is just too tired... 

what do you do? do you allow her body to get the extra sleep she needs knowing she does not have anything to do until noon, do you allow her to sleep but punish her for disobeying your orders, or do you kick her to the curb?

Sorry I know someone who this happened to and her Daddy kicked her to the curb. Its disturbing me because Daddys not only guide but they also look after their bbgs well being mentally and physically. Her Dom was new to the scene and maybe still needs to learn.... in any case shes devastated.

I am in a very smart ass sassy mood tonight. 

Never tell me to be that way cuz I will simply say Fine I will with a smile.... 

Sitting here thinking about the emotional aspect of a D/s relationship. Having never been in the hands of an experienced Dom. I think that there has to be an understanding and compermised way of communication. Yes I understand what is expected of me. I know I am not ready for a full out be my urinal session, but somethings need to be built up.. And just for the record I would never be anyone's urinal because it is a hard limit to me.

But then the thought came to me. How much does a Dom. actually respect hard limits set by his little? Does a Dom. care about the hard limits or are they simply for consideration of hmmm maybe I wont do this but then when someone is bounded what can they do if a Dom. Decided he wanted to venture into the hard limit list as way of punishment?

Yes indeed insecurities no one likes them. But I can only express my concern if I want answers or explanations. How else am I to learn. 

There are somethings that just send me into panic at the basic idea of them like my face being covered by a mask or fisting .....

I dont know if its the idea that I have never even used a toy my whole life nor do I have children but holy has no one seen the size of their fist... its just when i see really big things wanting to be shoved in areas that have never had that it scares me 

Wow this journal is making me emotional.... I need to learn how to over come my fears and insecurities if I am ever going to be a good submissive. :(

I hate insomnia how can one start a day who does not sleep!

Feminism has undone all the natural  feelings woman have to naturally submit to their Men so much so that they believe it to be wrong. But then  there blossoms and grows a few who's whole being and soul belong to that one Man. He orders she obeys happily swiftly and with a smile as she loves Him fully without the impact of social norms and taboos. She walks proud and happy for she knows Hes pleased and she is an endangered species which He owns and for no other to find, He cherishes her loves her and keeps her safe from all .....

I am feeling very philosophical tonight thus I write... 

He enters the room where she waits. He called in ahead of time telling her that He is on His way and she should be kneeling waiting until His arrival. She protests "But Daddy you are over 45 minutes away" ... She hears nothing on the other side of the phone. Then He asks "are you disobeying your Daddy yet again?" she GASPS thinking how does He know? How does He know I disobeyed my bed time curfew last night. "Yes Daddy knows" He answers her thought almost intently. She sighs defeated and He replies "Good Girl" and hangs up. she gets up slowly feeling lazy for staying up all night. How does he know she asks herself as she prepares herself  for her Daddy. Brushing her hair and then braiding it into a long thick braid. Suddenly she hears the keys at her door she panics shes not dressed shes not ready she things omg am not kneeling ... she runs to her spot and kneels breathing hard aware that her Daddy is watching her. Her heart pounding racing knowing He is going to be displeased, He stands in front of her and looks down the blood draining from her face as he places one finger under her chin and brings her to face Him. He is shaking His head and says "my my, I see my little girl is being naughty once again! What shall I do with her?" Her eyes go black from the arrasole she is starting to feel looking at her Daddy knowing what to expect. He slides one finger down the side of her face and over her bottom lip, "Stand" He orders and she does as she is told. He walks her over to the bed and sits down. Before she knows it her sweat pants are around her knees and shes laying across her Daddies knees. He slowly caresses each of her ass cheeks and says " did you think I would not know what my baby girl does when I am not around?" how foolish silly girl. And why is it that this bad little slut has been awake all night when Daddy said in bed by midnight? She gasps trying to think of a good reason "But Daddy I was reading my book, and it was so good" "Hmmm I see, and is that a reason to disobey Daddies orders?" "No Daddy" She says with defeat. "And did Daddy not tell you to kneel as soon as you hung up the phone?" "Yes Daddy" "And yet I watched you running to your spot kneeling while I was there. Was that what you were told to do?" "No Daddy, But Daddy I just wanted to be dressed for you to be ready for you" Suddenly with a firm hand He slaps her ass hard and firm she screams out "Sorry Daddy it wont happen AGAIN" she scrams as the next firm Slap reaches her ass. "He says I think 15 will do for this punishment. Now count them out" He demand as the next firm spank shocks her skin 3, Spank 4 she screams "daddy am sorry please Daddy" Spank 5 tears roll down her face not from pain or punishment but from displeasing her Daddy. When He has finished He rubs her glowing red ass tender from His punishment pulls up her pants and pulls her into His arms rocking her wiping her tears and says "Daddy loves His baby Girl, are you going to disobey Daddy again?" He asks her she whispers "no Daddy I love you Daddy" "thats Daddies good little girl" as He reaches down and kisses her on her forehead still rocking her.

OK so killing or loosing your subs pet (animal) is NOT a form of punishment. Nor is it funny... its something that is devastating. Why the topic tonight because I cant get it out of my head. Someone told me that would be a good punishment, but how is killing a living being a good punishment when it is obvious there is emotional attachment to it. 

Daddies are to cherish their bbg, one of the duties of Daddies is to keep their bbg mentally and psychically in tip top shape. I can promise you now that killing something that someone is attached to is not mentally keeping your bbg safe and happy... and I can promise you, its a deal breaker how is she to trust her Daddy after that.

An Extremely disturbed bbg

and He said I am not very submissive, in which I said oh but I am! I just dont submit to any Man and where there is no sense of safety or the Dom is way too pushy does he push me away for a true Dom takes His time getting to know His sub. and moves at her pace not at His knowing that when He moves with her, He will gain the control of her mind then her body as He desires other wise this submissive is like an iron rod which can not bend or be molded and He will simply not get what He is looking for.....

Looking in the mirror what do I see,

A strange face looking back at me,

I know who she is, and what she needs,

but her deepest desires is what spooks me,

Daddy she calls out, its who she needs,

firm yet loving  never free,

kneeling she wants, His collar desired,

His pleasure not hers, His needs she serves

no questions she asks, she trusts completely

shes afraid to be punished yes its true, but Daddy knows its good to do,

ties and whips send her heart racing, yet she longs for them,

still uncertain, does not know why, still there are times she will cry,

the love she longs He knows she needs,

with tender words He draws her in, knowing how T/their meet will end,

He smiles down at her and her at Him, she also knowing how it will end,

not worried about a thing she hands Him over everything 

her heart her soul she gives control 

longing to hear the sweet words thats Daddys good little girl... 

I am really confused and hurt... how do we deal with someone saying they own you and you obey them but then they just stop talking to you.. has this happened to someone else? what do I do cuz it really hurts me

The most painful tears are not the ones that from from your eyes and cover your face. It's the ones that fall from your heart and cover your soul. Author unknown

I lay here at night and wish I was beautiful and worthy of life ............

The people one comes across in this world is absolutely and truly amazing.  I have met the most amazing people on here. People who in the norms of society would say are not normal. It helps me to relax with the amazing amount of support I receive from the people on here. 

I am understanding that most of my fears are my own unknown imagination and I am really over thinking things. 

Am I still scared?? Hell yes I think I will be until I actually experience what it is to be in the hands of a Dom. I am not talking on the internet I mean in the flesh real. 

I am comfortable with who I am planning on being and I am happy to do it, submitting is just who I am and I have come to terms with that. 

I want to thank all who have messaged me with great advise and have been supportive it is wonderful to have that kind of support when times are so confusing.

Men are by far the scariest things alive.....

Tonight I feel scared and its like there is no one I can talk to what so ever about how I feel. I feel alone right now with my worries and my concerns my thoughts. I am scared because I do not know what to expect I do not know how much pain will be involved. When I hear things like I will drip wax on your pussy or pierce your nipples and your clit and omg... its mind blowing. I know as a sub I will submit but is there no lets take it one step at a time thing? I have never used a dildo or even been spanked and all off a sudden  all these painful things are going to happen. 

I read all the time that Daddys love their lg but how do you love someone and want to hurt them I wish I could understand my own desires at this moment to be dominated to be tied up and owned... why do I desire that so much why do I want it... why do I need it when I know what comes along with it... 

another night of lonely tears...............