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I am interested in Communion, Creation, Consecration, Catharsis.
I know precisely why I am here and have no illusions otherwise.
Words fascinate me. I trace their meanings and play with the possibilities of each one.
I am not here looking for another, rather recognizing where I belong. As such, it is proper for me to act like a woman who is focused, devoted, dedicated, and in complete enthrallment. Anything else would not be authentic. I am absolutely certain of who I belong to. Quite happily so.
Whatever it takes.
***I do not respond to most e-mails or messages sent to me for a very simple reason. I am not looking for anything on this site except intelligent conversation. I'm not the girl you are looking for. I hope you find what you are looking for. It's simply not me.***
"Well, Max, here we are: Middle-aged man reaffirming his middle-aged manhood, and a terrified young woman with a father complex. What sort of do you think we can make out of this?" -- Network
'She jerked away from me like a startled fawn might,if I had a startled fawn and it jerked away from me.' -- R.C.
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I do my part. The rest I leave to the Fates and Him. He does what He wants when He wants. He does not ask, nor does He need my permission for anything. He drives. He is certain of who He is, who I am, and what He plans to do with me. I have faith and belief in every part of Him and am grateful to be a part of anything He desires. I could be absolutely wrong, but...that's not the way to bet. |
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If I did not break it, I cannot fix it. |
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I absolutely recognize what is. There was ever only one thing that mattered to me. Knowing what that is, I am positive that You recognize that as well.
I would love to know how it ends, or begins. And I would love to recognize each with their own meaning. That is not up to me. Was it ever? |
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If you do not play the games well, others will not like you. I am pretty sure this extends a truth throughout life. Also true is that if you share your thoughts on any given matter, some will agree, some will disagree, and some will truly not give it any thought whatsoever. It never amazes me to know these things. I think it only matters what your truth is and how you live it. Otherwise, you are playing by the rules that someone else came up with. |
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I do not think I have mentioned lately how You are everything and may, in fact, be responsible for the stars we wish upon. |
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When you give yourself entirely, it is wise to make sure that the person you give yourself to actually wants that and that when you are in the process of giving, you replenish that well, because, honey, it doesn't refill itself. |
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I'm impossible to forget, but I'm hard to remember. - E. |
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"It is not the violence that sets men apart, alright, it is the distance that he is prepared to go." ---Lawless |
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It absolutely makes sense to complain and rant about all the "losers", "posers", "wannabe's", "fake asses", and the like online while...you're online. Absolutely. So please, continue on with the long rants about how there is no one real here and there are no slaves or Masters and how, gosh, you just can't understand how anyone ever meets anyone on here because no one can live up (or down) to your expectations. Speak of how you just don't understand people sitting online day after day while you chat every day in order to see them, yes? Speak more about how worthless people are and how only *you* have the right ideas and if only people would listen to you that your life would be better. Then, riot against how *some people* think they have all of the right ideas and try to preach to others. Please keep ranting and writing!
Pot, this is kettle. Kettle, this is pot. So glad that the two of you have met. |
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I am a little girl peeking out from behind the shadows. I am intrigued by what are curious mysteries to me. I do not know if I am wanted or a bother. I do not know if I am to follow, to wait, or to sit in the grass naming all the stars. Am I a paper angel to you or is there a game that I should play? Being both Magdalene and Delilah, which would you prefer? Or neither, as you like. I believe You to be my Original Sin. I wonder what yours is. Is this a dance we are engaged in or am I dancing alone with my shadow calling it a waltz? Well, there is such a thing as a heart and I have one. I do not know what part that plays, if any.
I cannot imagine wanting a man more. |
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You are not wrong for what you want and I am not wrong in not being that. |
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It is not Defiance to refuse and/or be unwilling to serve anyone except for The One for you. Rather, it is entirely proper and appropriate. This is not a romantic notion in the least. Or perhaps, it is an uncommon, old fashioned romantic notion. I am all about being old fashioned.
There is a reason it doesn't work with most people. On both sides of the equation. There is a pull toward the Inevitable when it is the right person. Otherwise, it's just passing time. |
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I would love to be the one You sing Your love songs to. |
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I was only ever good at being precisely who I am. So, I'm being that. Since I was told to be just who I am, I am even more happy being so. My part, as it were, at the moment is to follow. No more observing. No more "what if'ing". No more doing anything other than being myself and following dreams. I have desires and needs as well as anyone else does, but what is more important to me is something Greater. I cannot define it or explain it, I only know that when I am in the Presence _of_ IT, I feel peace. This is not in my hands. This is not in my control. This is not in my power. It never was. So, if at any moment, my honesty should present itself as contradicting any of these facts, my sincerest apologies. I'm not making a fucking move until I'm told to. I.refuse.to.be.moved.until.or.unless.I.am.fucking.told.to. Since that was the instruction to being with, I'll keep to that. |
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I always tend to give too much credit. Most of the time, it's not a grand conspiracy, but rather pure human fuckery in play is what I'm thinking. |
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There is no judgment here, no expectations. You choose what You want to do and You do it. I respect that more than my emotions about it. It is not my place to question You, though when You allow it, I am grateful. My feelings are complex where You are concerned. I only know that there is not a single thing I'd ever want to change about You. To me, You are all that a Man can or should be. I only hope to be worthy of Your attention and desire. I want to be the place that You choose to come to. The place where You leave all of Your concerns at the door and just stay with me. I am a simple girl with simple dreams and every one of them is You. |
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"Don't ask permission. If you want to do a thing, do it because it is your desire, not my allowance..." -- P. Dreadful |
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If you do not own me or have authority over me, do us both a favor and don't try. Don't try to touch me. Don't touch me. Don't try to come onto me. Don't bother. Don't call me 'lil one' and 'subbiepoo'. Don't call me your slave or submissive chicklet. Don't attempt to lure me into your supposed little web of domination because we both know, I go nowhere unless I choose to. You cannot compel me. Don't try. You will not challenge me with your wit or cleverness. Don't try. I know who I am and who I belong to. Don't try to convince me otherwise. Don't try to save me. Don't attempt to psychoanalyze me and say that there is something wrong with me. There isn't. Don't try to talk me out of anything I do. Don't make believe that you know me or understand me. You don't. Don't assume that because you are 'dominant', that I must obey you or serve you. There are a thousand women who call themselves submissive and some of them actually are. Spend your time on them. Woo them. Charm them. Speak those sweet words most women like to hear, but to me? Speak these words, okay honey? Speak these right here. "I won't. I won't try." Then, we'll get along famously.
And, if you think I'm hard or tough or challenging, nothing could be further from the truth. I am a slave. I serve honestly and love fiercely. I do not look at others when there is only one for me. I do not play games or keep spares. Maybe you are used to women who do that. I'm not most women. I am positive that some are the most sincere and wonderful dominants and that their control is authentic. I absolutely know that. I respect them. I just won't be following them. You may think that I will one day want to, will one day change my mind and someday I'll fall in line with what is acceptable in D/s or M/s circles, but you see, I won't. Why? Because I don't choose to. I just don't. |
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Who is a girl before she is taken, claimed, possessed, owned?
Is she her own girl? Does she have the right to do as she wishes, to think whatever thoughts occur to her, to make her own decisions? When waiting for the inevitable, I wonder about that. You stay in the service mindset, of course, but choices...those are the things that can trip a girl up. When you are on a certain path, you stay on that path and I totally get that. Not only do I understand it, I accept it. I did years ago. But what about the changes over those years in both? No one is who they were even 20 seconds ago, so everyone changes. Everything changes and seasons change when it is time. I am not certain how to proceed. I am not sure which things are mine to decide and which things are not. If I decide to mark my body, to cut my hair, to self harm or not...are those my decisions when I am not owned? It would be different if I was entirely without any idea of where I belong and to Whom, but that is not the case. I could pretend a thousand pretty things and say a thousand pretty lines about humility and waiting and how if you just have faith, everything will work out perfectly. Only, I do not pretend. I can only love honestly with my heart, feel intensely with my soul, and worship even though the outward appearance of that is not clearly shown as of yet. Because...I do not know where I stand or if I have permission. You say to be myself and this is me. I await Your command, Your desire, Your instruction on who I am and what my purpose is. Until then, I can only do what makes sense to me and hope that those things please You somehow.
There is much to be processed and considered and so many emotions to go through. I do not know if that is an attractive thing to You or not, but it is my reality. I had to learn all of those things again. Now, I find myself completely confused and off balance. I have to relearn what it is that You want, if You indeed want me at all. And, what do I want? The same as I have always wanted. I'm the most simple girl You'll ever meet. It's You. And that is it for me. I don't know what that looks like. I don't know what it feels like and I am afraid to feel that because I do. What if I'm wrong? What if I need help processing *all* of this? What if You leave? You said, shamefully....I think that these entries merit that. I do not know where to begin, but my heart says that we already have. Any words You share on this subject would be entirely helpful. Even if it is to tell me to shut up, or to come to You. I think I make no sense at all. |
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Uncertainty is a clever way to keep a girl off balance. Without balance, many things occur. She wants to know things, but will not ask. Asking is not who she is, so she wonders. Wonders, but cannot know until told. Not assuming is always the best course of action and so that is what she does. Would love to be inside that head of Yours. Would love to know if You want her at all now or if her adoration is enough for amusement and perhaps, joy. Would love to know where You go and what You think and how You feel and what makes You hard and what makes You smile and what color those beautiful eyes are this evening. So many things....make up her dreams. |
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Your words hold me still. Silence to my will. - A.L. |
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Lust is not strong enough of a word to explain or define what I feel when You walk into a room. Everything inside of me resists, attempts to guard itself, and my internal dialogue is tough and brutally honest. I will fight this feeling. I will not give in to what I truly want or need or want to think about. I will not show my need for You. And then, there You are and it all goes out the window. I become a whore on my knees, with my legs spread in the sheer hope that You might want to use me. I wet my lips with the memory of Your cock, Your ass, Your body opening me up and using me. The soreness during and after. Your commands brutalizing me. Your hands roughing me up. Your voice filled with contempt and vicious promises of what will come, what did come, what will happen again. The words that You use, the way that You touch me, the relentlessness in each moment, each action is burned into my brain. Begging You to use me, to break me apart, to take every part of me and just desecrate me. To be nothing, to be free, to be Your thing, Your whore, anything that You want just to matter to You. Just to matter at all. What would I not do for that? Who would I not be? To be molded into what pleases You most would be my honor. Whatever is left of me to be broken or mended, please, do as You wish. It does not even occur to me to matter. Only this....only You matter. Your body is perfect to me. Every inch of it. Your big hands wrapped around my throat. Strangle me until I no longer breathe and then breathe life back into me if it is Your will. Crush me or cherish me, as You like. I crave every part of You. Nothing left unknown between us. There are no ideas within me that matter more to me than Your absolute control. I want You to feel that. I want You to know it. I want Your cock to get hard reading this. I want...anything that matters to You to happen. I do not want to lead. I do not want to control. It is laughable to even consider such a thing. I want to follow You, to love what You love, to be who You want me to be and nothing more. There never was another, I know You understand. Call it love or poison. Call it devotion or addiction. You are all to me. No one else enters my mind. Nothing else matters but this. I thought these things dead inside of me. I thought that I simply would not feel them again. I realize now that it is You who inspires them, otherwise, they are words waiting to be written into poetry. They are a song that I cannot sing because it does not belong to me. I am simply here to play the role that You assign me. Whatever that may be. I could not let a single moment go on further without explaining the absolute Desire that I have for You every minute of the day. You could not want me. You could not love me or need me. You could cast these words away as pathetic and without pride, but You know me well enough to know that this is the most vulnerable shame that I can imagine to speak in public. I hope that it pleases You or perhaps amuses You. As You wish. I have no expectations or hopes left. I have no more dreams to sell. My heart is filled with conflicted emotions and my soul screams the answer that I already know and have just spoken. I will be a lady in public and not speak of such things. I will amuse You as long as You wish or have want of me. What I long for is never hidden. What I want does not matter as much as anything You do. I defer to You in every manner. I await even a glance in my direction and smile when there is one from You. This intensity is saved for something else, some other time. This is the last I'll speak of it. This is my Truth.
And now...I follow. That is all. I am not the aggressive one, the assertive one. I am only sometimes bold. Mostly I am the shy, introverted, silly little girl who peeks around the corner to see if You are there. Waiting to be called on. Otherwise, making daisy chains and chasing butterflies. So, I'll be there should You want me.
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One step forward, two steps back.
Uncertainty is an interesting sidestep. |
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I often wonder if it is Curiosity and not attraction that compels us to a thing. If I do this, what will it do and how often. If I do that, how far will it go or can I push it without breaking it. If it breaks, will it come back together as whole ever again or become something new entirely and if so, have I created something? Something in my own image? Something that I find worth in or do not respect at all? Can I create a mirror image and then smash the mirror and if so, what happens? Can I create the mirror image, without smashing it, and use it to do my Will, so that at some point with so much conditioning, it does not even remember it had a will in the first place, so that all is my will. Is it pride to imagine any of this or something more akin to psychological interest? Is it need or drive that compels a man? Is it desire or wanting to know?
Falling down the rabbit hole was always a choice, albeit, not a conscious one. So was Persephone eating that fruit, but I swear, that I would not have made a single different one and I do not judge her at all for having done so. What wouldn't you do to be who you were born to be? If there is an answer at all, that is the thing that you must do in order to remove obstacles. Or you will never know what it is to chase a dream. |
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In my world, loving a Man is simple. You hang on His every word, pay attention only to Him, serve Him in whatever manner He deems useful, respect that His thoughts are His own and should He choose to share them with you, then you are indeed lucky. You tell Him each day how grateful for Him that you are, believe even when it is more painful to do so than not, do not judge Him, express emotions honestly, hold nothing back, respect Him enough to tell Him the truth. When there is hurt, be honest with Him, even if He caused the hurt. If He is responsible for the sunshine, then He is responsible for the rain as well. It's all about interpretation. It is not about His ego, it is about His soul. That is what matters. That is what you fall in love with and ultimately, that is what you serve. If you can serve any man, then you have an art which I do not. I am not made for that. So, knowing what I was made for and accepting that truth, though not easy, is wise. In my world, loving a Man is simple. It's about knowing the truth of who you are and accepting and embracing any truth of His because ultimately, I can frame it. Love is without expectations or rights for me. Love is not a word I use freely, or, even some of the time. It is not something that you need in return, but it is lovely to be trusted with. It is what makes us more than beasts. It is the reason that I do this and why I take breath, or at least, the breath I breathe freely for now. Until that changes. |
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You are the most beautiful poison and certainly the most deadly.
I could not be more happy. |
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Would it be too forward of me to say that every moment I am in Your Presence, the rest of the world does not exist for me. It cannot exist because all that matters to me is the next word You speak, the reactions You create within me, and the time that You are choosing to be there. I know that being owed nothing,, expecting nothing, asking nothing of You, I am blessed with each moment You choose to be there. I wish that there was pride involved here or anger that lasts more than a moment. There simply is not. What matters to me is amusing You, pleasing You in some manner, being whoever or whatever it is that matters. It is not that I do not have wishes, thoughts, dreams...it is simply that the only thing on my mind is You. Shamelessly. Pridelessly. I go between feeling silly, pathetic, and foolish. The thing is that I do not even care if I am any or all of those things. What matters to me is walking through the fire and coming out on the other side. What matters to me is doing whatever it takes for as long as it takes to matter. Or, barring that, dying in the moonlight. |
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I seem to have lost my ability to give a fuck. It is not that I don't give a fuck about people I care about. I do. It's everyone else on the earth, but particularly folks who annoy me. Annoying me is not a super difficult task, but it seems easier for some than for others. I would make a list of said annoyances, but I feel that would entice yet more annoyance. Let us just say that I think of a Man, I think of Him in terms of who He is, not what he can do for me. When I think of service, I think of the Person I'm interested in and not every single man on the planet. I know who I am. I know what I am capable of (mostly). I know where I belong. The rest is not mine to know until it is.
Or, to sum up that entirely too long, rambling post: I'm contrary. I have a variety of moods. I give not a single fuck about anything that I am not directly interested or invested in. I know that it would be lovely to say that I do, but I do not. So, pretty much...yep, that's all. |
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Pray or prey. Either way. |
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Say what you mean because it matters. The rest of it is simply the dance that you design. I'll be the one following the lead. This is not my anything. I simply play the part assigned. |
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You make me want to be a better doormat. |
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Of course, people have the right to hell in any manner they choose. I support that entirely! I just do not care to hear about it or be asked to save them. Go to hell in your own way, just be quiet about it until then. |
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If I do not serve or defer to you, you have no claim to me. Period. So, you can respect me and we'll get along fine or you can do the opposite and not matter to me at all. It's really that simple. |
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To serve a good man, be a good woman. |
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Step through the looking glass, Alice. What's the worst that can happen? Everything here, including falling down that rabbit hole, was consented to. Remember that when the screaming starts. |
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| Age: 31 |
| Manchester,
United Kingdom |
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