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Collarmepurple

Collarmepurple - photo 3

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~not a slave; just a submissive bitch with an attitude problem~

...

Things About me:
& i bite my lip when i think
& my road rage is a little bit over the top...
& i will always make the wrong decision given the choice
& i'll argue for the choice
& i've always been turned on by older men, since a shamefully young age lol
& Sometimes, when i'm walking around the bachelorettes appartment i live in, i really don't think it could be any other way than this...alone.
& i don't need a reason to dress up, but it's nice to have one.
*i get bored very easily
*I can remember watching and rewinding a scene in a movie when i was soo young, of a man trying to rape a woman. lol..and listening very carefully for any parents coming around the corner.
*i don't eat "food" out of the water. No fish, crab, lobster, shells, octopus, whale, shark, snails, calvier, squid none of it!
*i do however eat seaweed lol. And i enjoy sushi as well, but it's a korean kind and there's no seafood in it:)
& My cat (the meow meow kind lol) is shaved like a lion, and he's gorgeous!
& My stomach makes noises when i'm nervous.
& Growing old worries me....
& If i've ever been honest in my life, i've been honest here. Period.
& i'm quick tempered
& i'm a home body, ever more so in the winter; then i hibernate lol.
& i, unintentionally, always think about the worse case scenrio
& i hate christmas
& i collect pennies. Nothing special about them, just pennies.
& i change my mind a million times ( i can't even pick out chips quickly :S)
& the best dream is being somewhere else

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6/16/2010 3:47:22 PM
Quick Pre note:

*thinks* I'm so done with shaving. 
Laser hair removal on my cooch at 6 tonight - eek and yay!

Update to follow.

***

Wow, that wasn't so bad at all.  Like a pin prick and some heat, exactly what they told me it would feel like.  One session down, estimated 8 more to go! 

There was a moment when i was unsure whether she was being professional or not.  But the moment only lasted 5's of seconds and before i could really wonder anymore she had moved on and continued zapping me.  When asked by my boyfriend, dd it bother me, i said "nah, i'd do her."

6/9/2010 5:40:56 PM
Love.  

Love is patient, love is kind.
Love is not jealous, it does not brag, and it is not proud.
Love is not rude, is not selfish, and does not become angry easily.
Love does not remember wrongs done against it.
Love is not happy with evil, but is happy with truth.
Love bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails

***

I ponder love for a while and wonder how much of this poem is true and how much of it is true for everyone.  I wonder if there are loop holes and circumstancial situations where these rules do not apply and if not then i wonder how i'll ever find it myself. 

Here i write these words with a boyfriend coming over to see me shortly.  A boyfriend who cares so much about me, who takes care of me, loves me, makes me laugh, holds me while i cry and could offer me the entire world.  A boyfriend who looked seriously and sadly into my eyes yesterday and asked, "Yes...but is it the world you want?" And even now i feel the tears build in my eyes and i hurt to think about what i might lose.

There it is.  Vanilla.  Standing inbetween myself and love once more.  Vanilla is large, like the beast from King Kong standing in my way, blocking off any through exit towards love and satisfaction.

A Domme i slept with and befriended tells me once in a settle life of love sex becomes less and less important, soon your time is filled with kids and lunches and activities and cleaning and working.  Soon sex is less important than it used to be.  But i can't imagine sex being a minority in my life.  Sex is the way i grab a spoon at the side of the sink while doing dishes and Him watching me from behind, his eyes tingling on my back rolling down my spine.  Sex is the way i play with my hair when i know i've done something wrong and He'll find out.  The warm tingly feeling i feel when i get to go grab a cold beer for Him from the fridge and open it close enough for him hearing the TSSCHHH sound it will make - that is sex.n  Sex is the way i wear my clothes and how i choose my hairstyle that day.  Sex is His hand on my wrist telling me no and not even a word need be spoke.  Sex is like the way the laundry would smell after cleaned if it was Ours and the way the fabric would feel in my hands as i fold it.  Sex, maybe pathetically so, is everything to me.  How could love change that...Ahh yes, mix in vanilla.

Sex. Love. I feel the two entwined in me, in my soul, that deep uncontrollable sense of who i am.  And one without the other will never keep me very long.  And he, my boyfriend, knows it.  So this plays fear in his and my heart as we continue seeing each other.  Every day i feel like i'm watching for it, whatever it is going to be. Around every corner - is that a sign? Maybe it's like many diseases, it's there but there are no signs. I don't know. And i'm scared.  Scared of what i might lose...and scared of who i am and how much harder it will be to find what i'm searching for...

d.




4/27/2010 4:43:05 PM
For everyone the cost of knowing is different.  Some just have to change the channel so to speak, but in my case that was not so.  For myself, the cost of knowing is 700$, a vanilla lie, an upset stomach, a plane ticket, a bruised heart, too many wasted tears and a complete waste of my time - not even worth the time of my trash-talking tounge. 

And now i know. 

Would i do it all over again?  Yes, because i still believe in love.  I have to...without it i'm nothing.  I've never even had it before and it's everything to me. A little more cautious, a little more jaded but over and over again.

While at the counter to check my bags onto the plane and pick up my ticket the lady asked me if i had a seat preference, and i went on to babble that oh yes i did, i can't sit at the front of the plane because it wierds me out and makes me panic. I went on to explain my illogical logic while her and a few in the crowd behind laughed at me a little. "So the back of the plane would be fine?" But no, that wouldn't be really good either...and i asked for a seat in the middle.  I don't usually like to be surrounded by people but i figure if the plane is going to go down it can't hurt to have a little extra cushion all around me lol *blush*
....And on the way back i was asked again if i had a seat preferene, i just looked at her sadly, tears starting to well in my eyes and said, "i don't care." 

And that was that, i tried to leave the painful night before behind, at the gates, on the ground, in Calgary, in Edmonton i tried to leave it all behind but it followed me with every step i took.  Every blink lasted too long and the darkness behind my eyes was more of a screen show of empty pain.  Here is the thing about airports, they're not bedrooms and there is no where safe to cry.  You're always surrounded by people. 

And a stranger kept my company and kept me together and never did i meet him.  But it was deeply appreciated.
 
It was only when i was finally home did my stomach relax - small wave of relief. 

And when i stepped through the door of my apartment, my what now seemed beautiful, and *clean* apartment, i cried. Locked the door and bawled my eyes out right there against the arch to the kitchen.  It was over, the unknown was all finally over.  I was home, safe, and i knew.  Hurt like hell, but i knew.  It still hurts when i think about it now, but i tell myself, now i know.  So i try to think about what my mother has always told me; she said "D_______, that's why we have these big asses! So when life knocks us down we just bounce right back up!!" So...bounce baby bounce...


Which brings me to my closing piece, who ever said you could tell your parents ANYTHING, never met BDSM or a crazy bitch like me and all the shananagans i pull...

Ohhh *big sigh* When's this all get easier?  

3/22/2010 5:27:49 PM
Thump..Thump..Thump..
Your words..My heart; it thumps.
A tangled web of hope -
I'm stuck
And my heart goes thump..
Thump..Thump..

1/21/2010 11:04:09 PM

*realizes* Everyone breaks promises...even i have... <sigh>


1/21/2010 7:09:44 PM
The  scariest roller coaster is uncertainty.

Yesterday one broke my heart while another held my hand the entire day even though he was so far away.  Thank you Moo.

A roommate that can't understand sympathy; if i had a cigaretter i'd smoke it in the bathroom right now just to piss her off.

No one lied.  No lies were made about themselves or their lives, but a broken promise procede. And i think i'll accept that it's for the better just not right now.  And i think maybe things happen for a reason.  And i think maybe i was just foolin' myself. But right now i mourn...and try to accept who i am. The knot is still burried deep in my stomach but maybe that is because i haven't ate since lunch..tuesday.  The ending of the roller coaster is so very scary, scarier than the entire ride there because once there you'll realize it's the wrong way.  And going back is even worse to come because you have to relive it all again in a twisted, distorted flash of confusion that lasts for what feels like forever.  But, this too shall pass...



~  When the last moon is cast, over the last star of morning,
And the future has passed without even a last desperate warning.
Then look into the sky where through the clouds a path is torn.
Look and see her, how she sparkles, she's the last unicorn.

I'm alive.   I'm alive....



America, The Last Unicorn
The Last Unicorn ~

***

Replies may be few and far between right now...

1/14/2010 8:58:41 PM
Today i was finally honest.  You know the kind of honest that you really dread, the kind that has the ability to break your heart, distort your fears and make you feel all around uncomfortable?  Well i was that. . . .And i've never felt better... :)

New goal: someone who will be around longer than the bruises.  And nothing less ~

1/13/2010 10:06:51 PM

A place to keep my broken thoughts, unfair feelings, irrational fears, bad memories and all the expired unhappiness that i keep feeding my soul will rest in a cage.  A bird cage; boughten for just that, with a perch where no little bird will sit and sing, but a cage of paper depicting my life..and maybe,..one day i'll be able to let it all go.  Until then, it will hang in the corner of my room, beside the drapery and adjacent the mirrors.  And that makes me feel better.  I don't know why,.but i'm ok with that.  I'll take it.. :)


1/12/2010 9:57:18 PM
January 12, 2010

Cramped on the bathroom floor i needed to be some place i could relax, feel comfortable.  The smallest room in the apartment (or any house for that matter) i saught out refuge here.  The bath was running full but i had no intention of getting in it.  I undressed, purposely not looking in the mirror.  I didn't want to see the bruises and marks on my breasts that last week i had begged for, from a man i should have known will not be there for me.  My father's voice in my ears, "So fucking stupid!", "Stop that crying, you need to toughen up if you want to make it in this world!"  But i'm weak and even now my tears bleed the pages of past sorrows.  I debate whether the pages are ruined or improved...

Alone.  Truely alone.  After all the years it should be easier; it should be but it isn't.
~Don't attach yourself to anyone who shows you the least bit of attention because you're lonely.  Loneliness is the human condition.  No one is ever going to fill that space.  The best you can do is to know yourself...Know what you want." ~ White Oleander

Drip, drip, drip: the faucet is leaking into the tub in unchoreographed drops, just like my tears.  The bathroom floor not big enough to lay on fully stretched out, i am curled in unnatural positions and i've never been so comfortable.  My muscle are sore from working out the night before, a bath would probably help but the floor is where i stay, pondering life, love and everything in between.  An unjest world, unfair feelings and a million yearning moments.  They say you should measure life by the moments that take your breath away, but what if those are the same moments that are breaking your heart?

When it comes down to it,...i guess i've chosen to be alone than uncertain.  Uncertainty can drive you mad!  It will play tricks with your heart and even your memory; widdling away the truth in to a fine toothpick that will eventually snap.  Broken.  Just like me...


*In fear that you will read this, i wrote it anyways~~~

12/4/2009 4:17:38 PM
The other night the moon was shining so bright, so clear, so perfect and all i could think was, "i wonder if maybe..just maybe it's possible you're looking at the same moon this very moment..."  And then the fog of my stupidity lifted away and i realized of course not we're not even on the same day... 
It's times like these i need to learn to live again...that this too shall pass...

12/1/2009 5:58:47 PM
Thought for today, and for since way too long ago:


A luxury bath drawn with scented candles floating and placed around the bubblebath decoratively.  The fire glowing in the dark with soft music playing gently in the backround. Ah romance. No thanks, but could you drown my face in the toilet while raping me in my ass and calling me a worthless bitch?  Please?


Something seems wrong here <small laugh> :S..

10/26/2009 6:46:54 PM
I've been away..purposely......It's like, i have to give this my all, or not at all...and i can't give it my all because when i do it affects my life outside of it all :s

Standing still is so...frightening because i can't tell how much time has really passed by until, it's too late i fear.

The Calendar still reads October 15, 2009.

10/18/2009 9:26:10 PM
6:54 P.M. - Hi d***** i know you aren't going to talk to me but i needed to make amends to all the people in my past that i have hurt.

A slightly frazzling text message is recieved and throws my stomach into a tangle of knotts because i know..my heart knows who it is.  And after a million messages recieved all saying the exact same things, i can't help but wonder why our phones are still messing up like always. 

A question asked, an explanation heard, empathy applied and an appology accepted.  I've been where he was..is, many of times, i've done the same things that he did to me to others. How could i not forgive him when i completely understand? 

Of course hurt, memories and so many sigh-filled unanswered questions linger. So i'll sit here for a few hours before i go to bed and ponder, pace across the appartment a few times as if looking for something only to realize i'm not even searching, get ready for bed....and i wonder..what dreams may come...

10/9/2009 4:35:42 PM
Money in my pocket, a drink at lunch and a four day weekend ~ bliss

9/11/2009 11:00:21 PM
"***'* *e*** a* **d *** *e* t***k*," ** **i* **r**t** ** **; *i***** ******* ** ***e * *****r **r**** m* **ar*.  *** ** ***** **** *********..... 

<sigh>.. Just marking a point in time...

9/9/2009 8:26:00 PM
So, i started thinking,

***WARNING***
*nothing good can come of this* lol

But i've always truely believed it was a key part to any relationship to be able to tell the other to go fuck themselves lol...Then i realized i haven't been in a relationship..since i was 16.....Maybe there's a connection there lol :S

9/7/2009 6:58:59 PM
Dumb guy: Hey i just woke up with a raging hard on, want to come give it a rub?

Moi: Sorry, i don't have time to play Where's Waldo.

***
Fish is such a joke.  And what do i look like? Make a wish foundation? Ugh. Boys.

9/3/2009 7:03:45 PM

"Wow..you're some amazing fucking actress..guess you will be in porn after all."  is what L said sadly to me when i told him i wasn't seeing him anymore.  I know i confused and hurt him...everyone wants honesty but nobody wants to hear the truth.  And the truth was, L wasn't letting our casual little relationship be casual...and the sex wasn't amazing for me.  I tried to explain that it wasn't that he was terrible in bed, it's just not what i want...i told him i couldn't explain it, i wasn't ready to explain it to him because he's friends with my co worker.

*soft laugh* An actress...It hurts me the way that i am..Everything an act, a big show hardly ever resting until i fall asleep.  Flirt with this boy, batt your eyes at that man, eye fuck 'em right up against the wall, lick you're lips and leave.  Because it's sooo easy, i have my fun and i don't get hurt this way either.  And why should i care any more about them?  There's no sanctuary in love for me, not with them.  Use or be used i feel sometimes, which i know - it's horrible! Let me be the first to admit, I'm a horrible person.  I have been for a long time...And it always hurts when someone...passionate and real get's caught in my crossfire of self destruction.  No more knives, pills, drugs or booze anymore though...thank goodness i think often..but skin heals..faster than the heart or the mind... So which really is the better choice? Physical harm, or mental anguish? Personally i wonder if it even really matters, in the end we're all broken.

An actress...Does it hurt because he said it? Or because he knows it?  I can't help but think of all those days after work sitting in front of the mirror while watching T.V and smoking...So many times sitting, standing, posing in front of the mirror...If i tilt my head this way, if i pucker my lips just a little more, fix this strand of hair, curve the corner of my lip, work my eyes, bend my knee, no not that one! Move you're damn hand, finger's crooked, get that dumb look off your face, adjust you're sleeve, let the god damn sun, moon and freaking stars aline! And then! Then i'll feel ok.  The saddest part about the mirror is when i'm crying..,but that's another story.

So here i am...pretty in a photograph, an actress to life, and poison to the hearts of those who matter...

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

~ *correction*
Lyrics: NIN
Talent: Johnny Cash


8/19/2009 8:51:32 PM

August 19/2009

Day 1 ~ boycotting boys.

3:50 pm: L calls :S
6:10 pm not completely boycotting boys anymore...still really fucking confused.

So L has been trying to get my # since 3 months ago when we met at my work's little golfing outting.  Tons of flirting but really? What good was *i* gonna do at *golf*? Golf? Yeah right, mini put is more like it.  7 rounds into the game i was only there for suggestive comments.  L has a gf yet still hits on me. Personally, i think that's a sleaze's move, however, it is only flirting.  And i knew i wasn't really interested, so what's the harm? I knew i wasn't going to see him or hang out with him, i didn't take his number, i threw it away, he came to my work and gave me his number, i didn't write it down.  But i'll always help a friend in need, so when he called my work looking for...some help i was in a position i could do so.  

L came over after work and we hung out, schmoked and chattied, bet and lost my panties out on the balcony lol. I do like that about him, he *is* fun. But i have a hard time wrapping my mind around how much of him is real.  Also he's just a man..not a dom..and really, men hurt

I go golfing with him tomorrow. Unless i cancel...it's been known to happen more than i care to admit ..I donno, everyone says it will all work out in the end, but i'm living *now* so what about now?

***

August 20, 2009

3:00p.m: Cancelled date :S


8/12/2009 4:24:50 PM
August 12, 2009

*Dedication: Mr. B *

~ At work you mention you found a song about me. We're not friends any more except at work, surprised how well that has been working out - for the most part.  Sometimes i still hate you lol. But i understand why our friendship ended. I can pinpoint the *exact* second that is stopped too. We were walking behind the college on some trails doing what we always do, lunch, talk and walk. I miss that. But it slipped out, so quickly and before i could catch my tounge it was said. I'm not ready to even say it again not even on here. Secrets are never good :S And when you hold too many in one's bound to slip out. Ugh, but why did it have to be that one to you...

Just as the blood drained from my face and my jaw dropped open so there was a slight gap between my lips, your head turned in disbelief and finally you knew. The pieces of the puzzle were placed together correctly, i think you might have figured me out. I hated that, i couldn't hide anymore behind everything i pretend.  And if you can't just stop pretending.  too delicate for life any other way. ~

Seether ~ Love Her

I met a girl who hated the world, she used her body to sell her soul
Everytime they'd break her and pay, tear out her heart and leave her in pain
I never found out how she survived all of the sadness she kept inside
I never found out how she could lie with a smile on her face
and the scratches she'd hide

Chorus:
You could love her if you paid, you could have her everyday
You could love her if you prayed, you could have her every way

Down on her knees she wept on the floor, this hopeless life she wanted no more
Dead in her mind and cold to the bone, she opened her eyes and saw she was alone
She never found out how much I tried, all of the sadness she kept made me blind
She never found out how much I cried, the rope so tight on the night that she died

Chorus:
You could love her if you paid, you could have her everyday
You could love her if you prayed, you could have her every way

I never found out how she survived, a life lived in lies is a life of denial
I never found out how she could lie, with a smile on her face and the darkness inside

You could love her if you paid, you could have her everyday
You could love her if you prayed, you could have her every way

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offthechains
 
 Age: 38
 Kent, Washington