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bellevuepilot
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*CURRENTLY UNDER CONSIDERATION*
 *NO LONGER LOOKING EXCEPT FOR FRIENDS,OTHER SUBS/SLAVES*
UPDATE; Would like to find other slaves,subs,who would be intrested in meeting once a month, in a social setting, as a small group,to plan fun monthy events (going to spa, movies, concerts, wineries,fairs,farmers markets etc) would like to keep group to 10 or so, and please be local from Seattle to Marysville area's. Plz msg me here, or find me on ,if interested.
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although i know this is for journal writing...not forums..i welcome any sub/slaves to respond to this, Dom/Masters too for that matter.....
as anyone who has read my profile knows, i have limited experience..., and am facing a difficult situation...not all that long ago, i was hurt by a Dom wanna-be, that, i have been told by meny here,he prayed on me, BECAUSE of my inexperience... since then, i have healed, moved on, and have been searching for a Dom....with guidence from a Dom friend.
i keep finding myself second guessing myself...wondering if im making the right choices... after all...i failed to protect myself once..... how is this time any differant...so,do i stop, walk away...? Do i risk it all again, have faith lightning wont strike twice? Take that leap and hope i can trust myself?
How do i know HE is the One...? How do i trust MYSELF....to know, HE is my Master?
any comments, advice...greatly apprecieated..... |
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THIS IS IN REFFERANCE TO MY JOURNAL ENTRY DATED 3/25/2010.......................
It seems, i acted to hastily, in my judgment of a Dom who asked me a question, and i mistook his attempt to know me, as inexperience...not a genuine attempt at learning what it is that causes me to submit.
i won't name names, however i wish to publicly apologize to Him, beg His forgiveness at what i mistook as HIS inexperience, was in reality,mine.
i hope, really hope, He will read this, and know that i am sincere in my regret, and realize, that the fault lays with me....i am truely sorry.
collarmekate~ |
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ok..really, i mean no offense, and hey,maybe it's my inexperiance here... but when i am asked the question...
"What would MAKE yOU SUBMIT TO ME?"...
all i can say is, if You have to ask me that,what in the world are you doing here? Would not an experianced Dom already know the answer to that? also, if i am only worth writing a one liner email... please allow me the honor of not wasting Your time...
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so, it seems like maybe my last journal entry was misunderstood, or i did not clarify...
no, i have not yet found my Dom, my meaning behind it was this, that i was happy, felt at ease,and welcomed here at CM, and that my journey to find my Dom,has finally begun,in earnst. |
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(3/24/10)
today, my journey has started....
for the first time,since the incident... i woke up, and it wasn't the first thing i thought about.... |
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 ok,just to let those who try contacting me on my Y***o email or chat, my very old laptop is having issues logging on,and staying logged on. i am not ignoring You,or hiding...please have patients, i am working on the issue... thank You... |
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i have been living in darkness since the night it happend...the day He contacted me, and sent me an email,it said all the right things...He sounded educated, sincere, knowledgeable in the lifestyle..so W/we continued talking..after a month came the first of several face to faces. after 3 mo....He said i was to arrive at His playspace,at the given time,W/we would have a "light" scene He said....and i believed Him. i go back over that day, a million times a day in my head...what did i do wrong? why was i blind to who,what he really was...ahh...You noticed...Your right..im no longer capitlizing words that refer to him...to do so,i would be refering to someone worthy the respect...yeah,he spoke the words,wore the clothes an had the implaments...but a Dom he was not...or ever will be..to be so,would be worthy of the title..
as i was saying,he said it was to be a 'light ' scene...i careful chose my clothes, spent hours preparing my body...iv waited,wanted..no..craved this,for as long as i can remember...i'd been so careful..i thought ,finally, i would be where i belonged..in the hands of my Dom,for the first time,i would kneel at his feet,and feel like THIS is where i belong...i would be home.
im not going to recount what happend that night. i cant. some i dont even remember. the first vivid memory,after, was waking up in the hospital....they asked what did i remember...could i identify who did this? i remember the pain...the pain of knowing,yes,i did know who did it, what i couldnt tell them,was why.
after, i battled with myself...i was giving up looking,giving up searching...it was done. how could i go threw that,again...i followed all the rules, kept the face to faces public,.didnt rush, if he was so good,at being deceptive,for me to end up in that position,that even my gut instinct was telling me he was a good guy,how was i ever to trust myself again,to not end up back in that position...so i stopped...and for 6 months..i have lived in darkness..denying WHO and WHAT i am...and i hate it..im lost...i am trapped between two spaces....i dont belong in the vanilla space...iv never fit there...as young as 10,i knew i didnt fit there,i wasnt sure why,or what was differant about me then,but i knew i wasnt like the other girls.. and... to find my way to where i knew i belonged,would mean finding my Dom. on 3/20/2010...i have started my journey. |
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| Age: 28 |
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Michigan |
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