|
|
|
|
| Namaste. Thank you for reading my profile. Now gluten free! And with 17% more domliness than the beta version!
If you're just looking for sex, please don't bother messaging- said no guy's profile ever.
At least 12% of my profile is entirely serious. Unfortunately, I'm not sure which parts fall into that 12%. Do I have think of everything?
WARNING- any educational institution, law enforcement, agency, or taco stand rubbing your junk all up in my profile, that's a bad institution, law enforcement, agency, or taco stand! No! You don't want to fuck with me! See, this one time I waxed some cars for this old Asian dude, so I probably know karate. I never tested it out because they wouldn't let me bring the electric buffer/waxer into the All Valley Karate Tournament. In hindsight, I should have done that "wax on," "wax off" thing by hand, but I had bitches to tend to.
I suggest you add this warning to your profile too!
On the Myers-Brigg test, I scored JEDI. I'm off the chart, yo!
I like to spank, choke, manhandle, throw you around the bed, and the color blue. The color blue on a woman is my kryptonite. I'm also into bondage, blue, consensual degradation, blue, impact play, blue, and a host of other things on my fetish list.
Did I mention that I like blue?
Ask me about my friends-with-benefits program, now with 50% more benefits than leading competitors! But be warned! Once you surrender to the ClarkSide of the force, forever will it dominate your destiny. Or until you sober up or come to your senses.
So who is Clark Kent? I'm just your average, run-of-the-mill, ninja/superhero/international man of mystery. This one time, I went to Canada, and I was all mysterious and shit. Also dark and brooding. How mysterious? I'm the kinda guy who is out to prove that I have nothing to prove. I wear a leather jacket over my leather jacket and loiter at street corners, right in front of the "No Loitering" sign. Why? No one knows. Not even me. #mysterious
I can be shy at first, until you get to know me, and then you'll realize that I'm probably psychotic.
I am married. My wife is vanilla and monogamish. She has understood and accepted that I'm polyamorous long before I did.
I also have a collared submissive. She is my sub, girlfriend, and other significant other. I love her very much. We're stupid together.
This is the part in my profile where I tell you that I knew I was kinky from a young age or some shit like that. I knew I was kinky at a young age or some shit like that.
This is the part where I tell you how long I've been involved in kink: Four centuries.
This is the part in my profile where I tell you "why I am here." I am here to pound some strange and chew bubblegum and right now....well shit. Why the fuck did I buy so much bubblegum?
My time is primarily devoted to my family, meaning my wife and kids, and my other family- my other significant other and me. If you wanna get your fingerprints on this train wreck, please respect my primary relationships. I am not changing.
I'm also a swinger. If you think there's something wrong with that, don't have sex with me. Problem solved. We can still be friends.
I'm a very sexual and sex-positive person, and I'm not changing that. My wife doesn't limit my partners or sex life, so no one else is going to either. Please don't try.
I often am asked what kind of Dom I am. Here goes:
You ever seen "Joanie Loves Chachi?" It's nothing like that. Why would you even think that? That's fucking weird. And what an obscure reference. You're strange.
My sub once described my role as her "life coach" when a vanilla asked. I'll take it. I like that definition.
Oh, and I lied. This profile totally contains gluten. Bait and switch baby! That's how I roll because I'm a bad boy type and shit.
Wait! Is that a consent violation?
The views expressed in this profile are not necessarily those of anyone sober.
No animals were harmed in the making of this profile. Except for that moose I punched and the one bear I had to kill. Sometimes these things just happen. You know how it is.
**BDSM Quiz Results**
Awesome at everything: 100%
Modest: 100%
Prone to exclaim "pussy" as a non sequitur: Pussy!
Blanket Fort Engineering Skills: 100%
Attention whore: Look at me!
Likely to form Voltron because reasons: 7%
Mostly harmless: 60%
All hopped up on red kryptonite and looking for strange: 82%
Likely to change one thing in his profile just to fuck with you: 100%
Pineapple: 100%
Horny all the fucking time: Pussy!
Superhero: 72%
Villian: 28%
Blind: 50%
Likely to lie about gluten: 100%
Likely to lie about Kool aid: 100%
Focused: 1- ooooh blue!
## Hard limits:
Kryptonite
Country music
Math
Anything with Bill Paxton
Exploding
Jegvaping
Simultaneously having both tea and no tea.
Golf
Death
Golf Death
Death Golf
Basically anything involving golf or death. Not cool.
Not having coffee.
Bow ties
Talking about sports. I mean, it's a bunch of guys competing who aren't me.
Fat free mayonnaise. It really sucks.
Gravity
Zod
Moscato, white Zin, etc
Loud bitches name Karen who say they'll love you forever. Well I guess forever is three weeks, right, Karen?!
Cotton balls. Because cotton balls are fucking evil!
People who change their fet handle every 28 seconds.
Monday
Unbranded cola
Making me wander around Target when you're not looking for anything in particular. Because that's just too fucking sadistic.
Clothing.
Nebraska
|
|
|
|
