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I'm looking for a type of relationship that I once had - and didn't hold on to tight enough. I had a strong dominant woman and flinched. It's been two years now and I believe I'm ready to try again to find the thing that I want most - a strong dominant woman in my life.
I have things to offer. I have skills and a mindset. I'm trying to find someone that is actually interested in me and I in her. Submissive should be about wanting to be in the presence of someone. And, I think, Dominance should be wanting to find about as much about Herself as about the sub she's with.
Everyone knows that the submissive depends on his Dom - but I think the Dom should be able to depend on her guy as well. I won't fold. I won't quit. I won't give up. Trust - both ways.
I enjoy doing tasks and chores. I like raking leaves or shoveling snow. I like coming over with a bags of groceries. I like to be of service.
Thanks for reading. Hope to hear from you.
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April 9th - Easter weekend...
I have gotten away a bit from my CM journal. I joined e-Harmony a week or so ago - I've been busy there getting my profile and things in order, and beginning some chats and talks with women. From the three or four emails I've exchanged, I get the sense the e-Harmony is a place for very, very vanilla people. These are very earnest, very serious people about finding someone for a LTR. I understand that, and applaud their efforts. I also search for a LTR - but.. You know... With extra things added. Not sure if I'll find exactly what I'm looking for on e-Harmony, but I do know that if I don't try, I won't find anyone. So. Always onward, always upward... |
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Monday 3/30 - The last of March.
As it turns out, it seems like you can "put down" women for about a week before you kinda, sorta, wanna pick 'em back up again. That's disappointing - I was hoping for a longer vacation. It's a good thing I wasn't born a thousand years ago, the second son to a wealthy land owner. I wouldn't have made a very good monk.
So. Okay then. Back to our regularly scheduled program, already in progress.
My problem is that my mind betrays me. I have to cum at least once a day. No, you don't understand - I HAVE TO cum at least once a day. So, during my vacation I thought of non-BDSM things. Love, for one. The way a bride looks in white. Just two people alone in a room. And then, slowly, it started again. Just two people alone in a room who are in love. And, what if she really liked to scratch my back? That's not bad, right. Okay, she really likes to scratch my bad - and wants me to tell her how much I like it. Bad, bad, bad. I started sliding in my own head. Soon she was tying me down, and then a belt and then this, that and another thing. Bad indeed. So I'm back, I suppose. We'll see how this goes... |
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Tuesday 3/24. Rainy...
I believe my latest fevor has broken. I have carried the load for so long and so far that eventually you have to just put it down. I believe I'm not in that cycle now - it's just too fucking heavy to carry every day. I have to sit it down.
The desire for physical things cause pain. Yes - I know that. My desire for things I do not own or possess causes pain - absolutely. I work myself up the side of the emotional bell curve to where I reach the peak. Everyone has a point of "no more" - and I've reached mine in this cycle. I believe I'm coming down the other side. It happened this Sunday morning; I was getting ready for gym at around 7:30am. I had another incredibly non-exciting evening on Saturday and I was just wallowing in my own sadness. I had nothing that I wanted to eat in the house so I grabbed an apple and a jar of peanut butter and my cup of coffee. I went out my condo steps to the parking lot and in the spring sunshine on a concrete step I sat there and ate my apple and peanut butter and drank my coffee. There are a lot of people in the world that, I'm sure, would've traded places with me. I'm relatively healthy. I'm a productive member of my society and culture. I have family that loves me and friends that miss me when I'm not around. I ate my apple and peanut butter and just put women down mentally. I took them all as a gender and just walked away from them. Women's faces and voices. Their bodies and actions. I sat them down and mentally walked away from them. When I was done thinking I left my apple core under a tree, took my jar and cup and went back inside. I opened the windows and let the cool air in. I cleaned. I stretched. I turned on CMT's country videos and listened while I worked. I felt better. I felt a lot better. And, it's been lasting - so it's been a three day holiday so far. I'm going to try and just keep this rolling as I think it's good for my soul.
I have nothing to report on the BDSM front. I've made no overtures. I haven't been thinking about it - and have no plans to do so in the near future. I have nothing on power exchanges, nothing on whips or floggers. I have nothing on paddles or strap-ons. No "yes ma'ams" nor "no ma'ams". I don't have anything for anyone on submissive men, women and those that float inbetween. For those that read my journal looking for something BDSM-related, I'm afraid I have nothing for you. However, I truly hope you have a good day. |
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Friday 3/20 - first day of spring.
I have a very busy weekend planned... Tonight Mistress Kim has asked me to drop by her studio sometime around 9pm. I like her - she's really into working with her hands and fingernails. The last time I played with her, she left my chest and nipples incredibly sore - not to mention my jaw. She said she had a new strap-on to show me.
Saturday I'm going by around 2pm to see Mistress Anne. She's instructed me to show up with a few bags of groceries for her. After I put them away, I'm going to do her spring garden clean-up. I'm going to take the top layer of soil and, mixing it with fertilizer, begin turning it over with a shovel and rake. She sits in a lounge chair with an over-sized hat, sunglasses and a drink and watches me work. Afterwards I'm going to do some lifting for her around her garage and basement. The last time I did this kind of thing for her, she handcuffed me and had me take a bath with her. I couldn't touch her as we sat in the soapy water and she toyed with me. A hot bath is good for sore muscles.
Finally, Sunday night there a party for the Big-Time Dominatrix Association of Chicagoland. All the beautiful, experienced Dommes are going to be there. I'm going as the escort of Mistress Evil-Bitch - she's as rough as they come. She's going to be showing a demonstration of single-tail whips, using me as her example. Later, I've been asked to help serve at the party and perhaps assist the clean-up later. Mistress Bitch-ass has told me to pack an overnite bag, as after that's done I'm going back to her place for a couple hours of facesitting and voice training.
Bored? Lonely? Horny? In your head too much? Yes. God Yes. Absolutely. Yes. What will I actually be doing this weekend? None of the above. Damn it. |
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Thursday 3/19 - The Last Day of Winter.
Quiet. Very, very quiet. Almost eerie. No emails. Sure, I have emails from some friends and relatives - but really nothing else.
I have no prospects. I have something I want to give, but can't find a good fit. I don't have a single woman on the planet that thinks of me with a date, relationship or play in mind. Well. Perhaps in a memory (all my friends are pirates, it's just who I am...) - but none with future plans. These times are odd because of the introspection they induce - Are you submissive if you don't have anyone to submit to? Can you be a submissive male without a woman around to accept. Even when I was a kid, I was able to bounce a hard rubber ball against my steps and play catch with myself when no one else is around...
There was a show called "Fear Factor" on years ago hosted by a guy named Joe Rogan. I heard some stand-up he did on HBO or something where he talked about robot fuck dolls. I suppose generations after me will be discussion the moral obligations of a submissive man that submits to a robot Domme. "Get on your knees, boy". Would his submissive be valued by a robot? Does his act of submissive diminish because it's not a red-blooded person in front of him? I think of it because I truly wonder if I one can be submissive without someone accepting. And, if I'm not, then I'm just some guy with pervy ideas. I really expected more from myself in my mid-forties... |
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Monday. Beautiful day.
Too much drama. Too many indecisive days. Too many "what if's". The Indy Switch sent me an email saying she has a lot going on in her life and won't be making any more attempts to contact me. Of course I understand it. Goddamn it. Very frustrating. Very.
So now what? So now where? Perhaps I'll leave collarme - not because it hasn't been fun and educational, but perhaps as part of a larger plan. Spring is here and summer is coming. It's always easier to be single in the summer - it's the winter where it's hard to be alone. When you don't feel like going out because of the wind and weather but you only have yourself for company within your walls. Summer. Perhaps I'll put the submissive side of myself away; or, try to. I have friends. There's at least three asian massage places that I know about on the northside of Chicago for when I'm just too pent up. Maybe I'll stop thinking about dating and a relationship and BDSM games for a bit. I don't really seem to be having any luck at it. Maybe it's not that good at it. There is definately a "nerdy" side to me that I try to not let out in public too much - perhaps it's more noticable that I believe.
So. More to think about. More thinking. To go on top of all the thinking and talking that has been done. Not a lot of physical action. Not a lot of "doing". Want to talk about a trend to turn around? No, not the GNP nor the housing market. Not even unemployment. There should be a new index - "How many times do I take my underwear off in the presence of a woman" index. In today's news, the HMTDITMUOPW is down sharply. Chief Underwear Grand Poo-Bah issues statement "We expect the HMTDITMUOPW to be down for the foreseeable future". President Obama begins to mull a stimulis to increase the HMTDITMUOPW index to more acceptable levels. European and Asian markets respond slightly. Funny. Slightly pathetic. Probably more than slightly. |
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Thursday.
My Journal has reflected my mind - I'm having difficulty putting a few sentences together concerning my personal life and my submission. The Indy switch and I are.... Well. I'm not quite sure right now. Things are murky. I'm torn and of two minds right now. She has said that perhaps I'm being too rigid in what I see in my head. That is a distinct possibility. I've had exactly one Domme relationship to this point. I've had one living and breathing woman dominate me IRL. Counting the pro-Domme earlier, I've had two women TOTAL dominate me. Not a very good cross-section.
So. How to be true to what you feel and what you want, and still be open-minded and in an experimenting frame of mind. How to be sure of yourself and walk a path, when perhaps some wandering about might do a person good. How to meander your way to a target? I dunno. Good Lord. If she was closer to me, I could've solved this long ago. If she was half as enticing, I would've solved this long ago.
I hate coming at problems from anything except a position of strength and knowledge. When I was a boy I was taught to hunt by my father, uncles and grandfather. As I got older, I hunted on my own - I had my own shotgun and hunted the appropriate game. I don't feel like I'm hunting properly. I don't feel like I have the proper tools for the job. I feel like I cannot bring down what I need. I'm not even sure if the place where I'm hunting will yield what I want. Again, Good Lord. What do you do when you're very confused? You go back to what you know. You go back to what you're sure about - where you believe you're safe. Perhaps I'll concentrate on that this weekend - get back to what I know. |
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Tuesday. Going from a high of 60 today to a high of 30 tomorrow. The weather gods are crazy.
Nothing that I wish to report on the BDSM-front. I hope things are going in the right direction. I hope I'm making good decisions. |
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3/5 - Thursday. Mid-fifties in Chicago. Michigan Avenue looks great.
Something is occupying my thoughts to high level today. Me and Ms. Switch were like a supernova - there was a build-up of energy over a few days that exploded. And in the give-and-take of conversation things were said on both sides that has lead to this: a cooling off point. We are now both thinking. That new relationship energy is strong. Incredibly so. She is.... Enchanting. We both want so many of the same things - yet there is enough there, enough bad road that it makes me pause. Frustrating. Tantilizing. Disconcerning. What to do, what to do, what to do...
I will take the weekend to think. I have several things going on over the weekend, both business and personal. I'll be busy enough that my subconscious will work on it for a bit. My subconscious does good work when I'm watching a movie, playing online poker, soaping my nuts or relaxing in front of the TV. Come to think of it, I solve a lot of problems by soaping my nuts. Shower time this weekend...
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Monday - March 2nd. Addendum.
Fuck Ms. Mom. |
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Monday - March 2nd. Meteorological spring. Wind chill 6 degrees above zero. Someone has forgotten to tell Chicago.
I've been walking a tightrope in my head about what to write and what not to. What to share and what to keep private. Things are being said and an impact is being felt away from this site concerning things I write here. I only want the best for everyone.
Phone calls to a person are now almost every day. Emails are now plentiful. Information is being asked for and given - a free-flow of knowledge about each other. Trust exchanged. There are still several sticking points, but things seem to be building. Things seem to be progressing. She continues to look into my head and heart and, unflinchingly, asks "Is there more?". She has asked for fantasies and descriptions of mundane things. She has begun to ask a few small things of me and I'm glad to do it. Structure. Order. There's a term that's in use a lot these days - a "tipping point". A point to where something must happen due to the sheer weight of what's behind it. There is a hump, a high spot in the road. Something that I still have not made a decision about - it's rapidly approaching, I think. Either momentum will help me over, or the obstacle will be too high. Time will tell - but time is now defined in days, I think, not weeks.
The weekend was uneventful. My party was same-old, same-old. No football to watch. Just the gym and online poker. Movies and masturbation. I've been thinking about a glass of wine in the evenings. At least I get to watch Jack Bauer kick some butt tonight. |
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2/25/09 - The beginning of Lent...
First things first - I'm pretty sure Ms. mom will not be darkening my doorstep in the near future. I called and talked to her - briefly. She's a very busy person right now who is either not in a place for a relationship or I'm not enough to make her be in a place for a relationship. So. There's that.
I've been having more phone calls with Ms. Indy Switch. I've been enjoying it quite a bit, but we're both at a point to where we're realizing we're an hour and a half apart from each other in different states. We've agreed that we enjoy the company, so we're going to continue to email and phone. I can tell the future no better than she - who knows where this might go.
Finally, I've been invited to a belated Mardi Gras party on Saturday. I'm excited, as it sounds like fun. No other movement on any BDSM front. I believe I'll start another fund for (perhaps) a pro-Domme visit. Or.... Something. |
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Thursday.
I had a very pleasant conversation with Ms. Indy Switch yesterday. When you're talking with a new person it's always so much fun. You're learning, you're asking and answering questions, you're trying to be funny, etc... It's like being at a nice resturant and really enjoying the appetizer, anticipating the possibilities later in the meal.
I believe I will call Ms. mom - either tonight or tomorrow. Just a "hello, how's things". If she doesn't come back with a "sorry I haven't called, my pet goat ate a salesmen", I believe I will not call again. I try and not hit my head on the same pole too many times. I have been accused of being a bit slow to take a hint (i.e. m-a-l-e), but you don't want to be the last in the room to know. Which will be too bad. Was she beautiful? No. Was she the best sex I've ever had? No. But, there was a pelvic bone that I enjoy kissing on her hip, and there was a freckle on her right tit that I liked saying hello to. The insides of Ms. Mom were warm and mostly wet. It's always a shame to see something start to go in the distance as it pulls away from you.
Finally, I've started to participate a bit more on the boards here, as I'm starting to get my feet underneath me. I've also started re-reading "The Marketplace" books, just for fun. I think I'll go and ask my friend Chris Parker some questions and see if I get any answers. Oh - I also didn't call phone sex last weekend. The end just didn't justify the expense. Perhaps I'll go and get a massage this weekend. |
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Sunday. The end of an entirely uneventful weekend.
Friday was pizza with a lot of "Man vs Wild". I don't really watch that show for any tips on surviving a situation, I watch it because I have an intense hatred of Bear Grylls. Not a dislike - I would turn the show if I disliked it. And not just an ordinary hatred - I would turn the show and talk smack about the little cheating piss-ant. I have a hatred that burns with the intensity of a thousand suns for mister "I never met a fake scene that I didn't think would be better if I got naked in it". Time and time again information comes out about how that tea-bag has cheated or grossly exaggerated things on his little show. I watch his show because I root for everything except him. I pray he gets hypothermia. I urge animals in the background to attack him and stomp his pin-head into the muck and mud. Truly, I wish he would dive in Australian waters and let the same stingray that assassinated Steve Irwin take him out as well.
The Switch I have exchanging mail with accepted a phone call from me on Friday. We talked for about 20 - 25 minutes. I'm very careful to limit these types of first phone calls - everyone is aware of these new relationship "we talked on the phone for four hours" types of phone calls that can happen. Dating in my 40's has taught me to temper some of these things. As you get older, you really should be trying to do things smarter, not harder (well... you know). We had a very nice phone call and I asked if we could exchange some pictures.
No Ms. Mom over the weekend (at least, as of 3:30pm). No calls to her, no calls received. Maybe she's just not that into me (to quote a book / movie). I believe on my personal Dow-Jones index her stock keeps dropping.
Saturday was a lot of at the gym, as was today. Tonight I'll watch another movie I bought and I'm thinking about some phone sex. The last time I've indulged was months and months ago - I believe before I joined CollarMe. The problem (again) is that I always feel like it's never good money spent. I always have that faint "I got taken" vibe when I'm done. We'll see what I feel like after dinner.
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Thursday. I started emailing again with a switch woman that used to be here at CM - I enjoy her mail. There are plans to stay in touch. There might be a meeting sometime in the relatively near future. I have offered my services for an evening for her to let her aggressive side out if she wished. She read about my first pro-Domme experiences and sent a very nice note.
I'm still reading and in some cases re-reading the responses and emails I got from Domme women from my question in the "Ask a Mistress" forum. I enjoyed the interaction. But, I think that before you walk into the forum and ask a question you better be serious about the question and answers you receive - I don't think the Dommes would tolerate people asking "fluffy" questions for long. Would having a whole forum of Dommes turn on you be a bad thing? I decided it would be: they, after all, know what it is we like and want and probably to punish you they would not do any of the good stuff. They would probably make a person wax cars for 4 hours or grocery shop with small pebbles in your shoe.
No communication since last Saturday with Ms. Mom. And, I have no plans for this weekend, as that evil little imp Cupid comes calling like a plague. I will not go out Friday, nor do I have plans for Saturday. I'll spend my time in the gym and catching up on some movies. I just got "Proof of Life", with Russell Crowe and Meg Ryan (pre-plastic surgery). This is the movie that broke up Meg's marriage. I can't help myself - I find her attractive in this movie. I think the whole movie is underrated. She has this smokey, low voice in this movie that is just so sexy. It's another one of those movies that if you have a smoking fetish, it's almost pornographic. |
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Monday. I took a deep breath and waded into the middle of the "Ask a Mistress" forum. I asked my question, then stepped back. I honestly didn't know what I was going to get in response - I only knew that I didn't want to be labeled a "wanker", or someone that was there fishing for some sort of masturbation material.
To my surprise, the Dommes were not only helpful, but surprisingly so. A number took time to answer on the thread, and a few more sent emails that went into more explanation. I made sure I replied to each email with a "Thank You". I had very pleasant email exchanges with a couple of them, including a memorable one from a very kind 61 year old Domme from California. I offered to buy her a dinner and rub her feet if she ever came to the City by the Lake.
I got a recommendation from an out of state Domme for a local Domme that might be a better fit - thank you again.
Finally - I saw Ms. mom on Saturday night. There is definately a distance there. There is affection - sure. There was good dinner conversation at Vong's Thai Kitchen (my favorite thai place in Chicago). There was coffee in the car back to my place. There was exactly 67 minutes of private time before she was out my door, heading back to her world. In the past, it was never that quick. Looking back at the date, it was almost like there was an agenda in her head: (1) meet for dinner, (2) pleasant conversation, (3) flirty banter in the car, (4) cum, fuck, flush the condom, (5) return to home base. I'm torn between keeping this as a lowered expectation or asking questions that might bring the whole house of cards down... |
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Thursday. Out of the blue, Ms. mom calls today. It was nice - we have a date this Saturday night. While I was agreeing to it, I kept wondering about the last-minute feel - she's never done that in the past. Usually, when she wants to go out she has it planned at least a week in advance. Because of this, I made it a point to mention that I'd like to end the evening at my place. She was agreeable and flirty with that. Hmmmm. Perhaps this is evolving from a dating thing into that much used and little understood "friends with benefits" thing. Can you do that in your 40's? Am I, in fact, "hooking up" this Saturday night. I don't know. lol. There will be thai food at least - I think anything is tolerated as long as there as thai food is involved.
The pro-Domme thing continues to go thru my head. While the focus and goal is to find a personal relationship with a strong woman, I might try a pro-Domme session again. Perhaps what I should say before hand is I want more .... What word should I say? If I say "intimacy", I'm sure I'll get at least a verbal slap with "I'm not a prostitute". Yes, absolutely. I understand that, ma'am. But what I don't want is to have time spent with your slapper. I don't want time spent with your flogger, nor with a cane. I actually want time spent with a strong, dominant woman who enjoys doing those things. Those things aren't the focus - you and I are the focus. The other things help us get to where we both want to go. Does that make any sense? If I were to write that, or say that to a pro-Domme, would she have time for that? Or, is something like too time consuming? I don't believe I know enough to have an answer. Frustrating...
Perhaps what I'll think about doing is posing that as a question in the "Ask a Mistress" forum. We'll see.
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Well, that was interesting...
So now I've had my first pro-Dom experience. I have to say that it was both a good experience, and a little bit disappointing. On the good side, she was very attractive. She obviously knew what she was doing and did what she did with a professional experience. I twice had to use my "red" safe word because it hurt - it hurt quite a bit. But, what was done was done well enough - the big plus was her looks. On the not-so-good side was a huge lack of intimacy. She never got close to me - I never actually felt her on me / against me / beside me. And that was a disappointment. After having the pro-Dom experience, I can definately say that my favorite part of being submissive is the whispered threat or praise in my ear - the touching of my back, my chest or ass. Everything was done by a flogger or slapper - I don't believe (at least, as much as I remember) I was actually touched for any time with her hand.
Afterwards I was sitting at a red light where I closed my eyes and had this overwhelming urge to cum. I don't think I actually felt that way before - everything was just so bottled-up. I showered when I got home (keeping my back and ass mostly out of the spray) and took matters into my own hand.
I believe I'll take a bit to digest this. As of this moment, right now, I'm not sure I would go back to a pro-Dom. But, if I don't find anyone and a few months go by - who knows. Was it worth the money? It was definately worth some money, but I'm not sure it was worth (to me) what I paid. All I know is that the back of my chair rubs my back at work and I've been feeling it all day. |
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Thursday. So. It's a big weekend. Let's go thru it - perhaps by writing it out I'll see something that I've forgotten.
Friday night - Vampires and werewolves. Going to the movies with a friend of mine. Kate Beckensale isn't in this one (she is very close to the total package - that husky british voice does it for me every time), but I'll go anyway. It's supposed to be a "popcorn movie". I liked the first two. There will probably be some form of a dinner there.
Saturday - My first pro-Dom. I came this morning - I won't again until after my session. I completely understand that there will be no sex, but I want that tension inside of me anyway. Nothing for me tonight, all day Friday and all morning and afternoon Saturday. I had a couple of people here at CM private mail me to either offer encouragement or give small hints: I appreciate the time and effort to do that. I had one person comment on the "three out of four ain't bad" and wondered what the fourth thing was. I have a smoking fetish. I don't smoke (never have), but enjoy watching attractive women having a cigarette or a cigar. I asked if she could smoke at some points during our session - she replied that she wasn't a IRL smoker and didn't want the cigarette smell at her place. I can understand that. After my session I'm planning a hot bath and (probably) masturbating like horny ferret until the wee hours of the morning. "Yes ma'am", "no ma'am", "again, please ma'am". Saying those things makes the center of my body pull in good ways.
Sunday - Super Bowl. I've been invited to a party. I'm excited, as I like football a lot. I look forward to every single thing about the Super Bowl - the pre-game, the game, the commercials, the food - everything. I'm rooting for the Steelers - I think they're more like the Bears than the Cardinals. |
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Monday. The decision has been made - after three emails going out, I've scheduled a session with a pro-Dom this Saturday pm at 6:30pm. After going back and forth in my head, I went with a person that is, perhaps, a little less on the scary side but does look like a normal human being. I'll be going into Lincoln Park to her "studio". After one email (as I dared not send another), I called and left a message - she called back. She, of course, wanted to know what I was in to. It was embarressing to actually say the words. I have whispered what I wanted only a couple of times, to two different women - Three of the things I wanted were listed in her CL page - one thing that I wanted she said she didn't do. Three out of four isn't bad. So! I have looked at her picture several times since our phone call and probably will look at it constantly until Saturday evening. I'm excited. I'm nervous. |
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Thursday. Back in the tall ship days of sailing, there is a place called "the doldrums". It's a place of calm air with hardly any wind - it would strand a ship for weeks. The ship and crew would just float along the salt water with no wind to push against the sails. I feel like I've entered the doldrums - I've lost my BDSM / collarme winds. I had a nice push going... And then something happened.
I spoke to ms. Mom - she told me that she likes me but needs to cut back her dating from every-other week to probably one date a month. She said that having the every-other schedule was either taxing on her sister or relatives to watch the kids, or taxing on her pocketbook to get a sitter. I'm going to look at this as a "let him down easy / she's just not that into you" kinda thing. It's hard on your ego - I didn't, apparently, start a high heels on asphalt stampede in my direction. There must've been something said or done to cause that switch in her head to snap from the "date-able" to "Friend with benefits". Well. A lesser guy would take this to heart and be disappointed. Or lonely. Good thing I'm not that guy.
The woman from collarme I had been exchanging mail with emailed that she had found someone in her life. I'm happy for her, but will miss the emails. Best of luck to her. I hope to hear from her nine months from now and she's wildly happy.
My pro-Dom fund (I'm now calling it my "Rent Some Pain" fund) is now to the point to where I'm going to begin emailing this weekend. There's a Dom on Craigslist that I have been looking at her picture for a while now. Some of the more gnarly things I'd like to experiment with are within her "accepted fetishes" list. We'll see. I don't want to get overwhelmed - I need to keep my head about me, as I'm sure I"ll be in a strange place with a woman I don't know. |
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Sunday. Ms. mom and I had dinner last night - tapas. We met at the resturant and had a nice time. Afterwards, she refused my invitation to come back, saying her sitter couldn't stay long. Hmmmmm. I'd be lying if I wasn't disappointed. So the end of my Saturday night had me listening to people having sex on youporn and reading erotica. Not exactly as I had hoped.
My search of a BDSM relationship seems to have taken a couple of small steps backwards - again, not the result I was hoping for. I will continue. The BDSM fund is now in the low three-digits, so I think in a week or so I can actually begin the nail-biting, nerve-wracking decision of picking a Dom. I have never done this before - my experiences have only been limited to (one) lifestyle Dom. I'm constantly torn by going by someone that looks like they are a good person that probably possesses a soul (always a good thing), or some snarling woman that looks like she's pain on wheels and would probably rock my world. There are advantages and disadvantages to both. Should I dip my toes in the pool, or dive in the deep end? Should I try something safe by degrees, or should I swing for the fences. I'll continue to think about this.
Tonight I'm watching the ballgames. I've already been invited to a friends house for the Super Bowl, so that will probably be fun. I'm also sorta waiting to see if Ms. Mom will call or email. Apparently, by reading this entry, there isn't a lot of solid things going on in my life right now - lots of nebulous, soft plans. |
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Tuesday 1/13. After riding out the blizzard that never was, I'm now bracing for the deep freeze. I hate it. The weather affects me more as I grow older - the warm weather seems so hot and the cold winters seem to drag on forever. I need a place that is 78 degrees during the day and 62 at night. That would be perfect.
This Saturday is Ms. mom. She is picking the resturant this time - she said she knows a good tapas place. I don't know much about tapas, but I do know those small plates to share begin to add up to a big bill at the end of the evening if you aren't careful. I like trying new places so I'm sure this will be fine. Neither one of us has talked much about logistics, so I don't know where the evening will begin or end. I will be attentive. I will try and dress casually, but nice. Shave and a shower. Keep the conversation light.
I've started a fund. A "let's get some BDSM into my life in 2009" fund. There's a wooden box by where I lay my wallet at the end of the day where I've begun to place the odd-twenty dollar bill. I believe I'm going to do something that I didn't want to do - purchase the attention of a dominant woman. Denying myself things is just.... Anemic. I can't quite make myself believe that it counts. As I have never done this before, right now I'm looking on Craigslist to see what's available. I know there are pros on collarme, but it almost feels too close to home. I don't actually want everyone to know what I like and would hate to read something about me on a message board one day. *sigh*. I don't know. I have a couple of weeks before I can begin to entertain the thought in earnest. I believe. Based on some prices I've seen. Grrrrrrrr. |
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I apologise for this post as I originally wrote it - I should know better than to try and combine a vodka bottle and a keyboard.
I try to keep whining and drama to a minimum. My howling at the occassional moon isn't really of interest to anyone.
Again - my apologies. |
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Wednesday. First things first: There's been a very nice email exchange between myself and a woman here on collarme. I thank her for it.
Ms. mom and I are due to go out again a week from this Saturday - our schedule has been thrown off. She has to get a sitter for her children which is why she needs so much advance time. To be honest, while I appreciate the company it feels like a "half-step". This feels like something I'm doing in survival-mode, instead of pursuing a relationship. She's vanilla, she has an ex-husband, she had two kids, job and a townhouse. She can see me one day in fourteen. However, if I didn't see her I wouldn't see anyone. Decisions, decisions, decisions. Perhaps this would be a good winter thing - when the spring breaks perhaps more opportunities will arise. Who knows.
I've been watching this video on youporn - "How to stuff a french ass". It's a french woman having sex - she speaks entirely in french the entire time. I've probably watched this video five times to date - she's very expressive. She laughs at times. I don't understand a word she says but her expressions make the video worth while.
My denial has been going well - I want fruit juice but refuse to have any. I also think that I'll dust off The Marketplace books and go thru a reading of those. On collarme I try and post on the message boards where appropriate. I really do envy those submissives that always seem to post "I'm so happy now that I've found Master/Mistress very-scary-name-here". I'm envious. I want to be happy as well. Perhaps I should concentrate on Dominants with scary names as well: "Mistress Vampire-Zombie-Killer". "Madam Scapel". "Mistress Soul-taker". lol. |
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Saturday 1/3. Too much time off from work - I've developed a raging case of cabin fever. My place is clean and organized. My laundry is done. The pantry and larder is fully stocked. I need time out of this place.
Today I will go workout, have lunch and plan an evening - dinner with some friends. No Ms. Mom today - she is dealing with her own children and their own case of cabin fever. When she is stressed, her emails and phone calls do not contain the same playful, flirty tone. It is too bad - it's amazing how quickly you become used to something.
So, after two successful weeks of denial and one failure (my chest and arms still ache), I will pick something to deny myself: fruit juice. I woke up and wanted some with my coffee and breakfast - then paused and decided the for the next 7 days I wll deny myself something I like. No orange juice, no cranberry juice, no apple juice. I believe that this is a good pick: I'll feel this, but I don't believe I'll slip up. I've put all my juice in the back of the fridge so I won't blindly reach for it.
Lastly, I'll relate another small fantasy I've had lately: Be woken in the middle of the night - 2am. "Make me cum". My mouth goes to work while hands hold my head. My face becomes covered. Her pelvic bone rubs across my lips until they tingle. She whispers and hisses to me, alternately she loves me and curses me. She finishes and I lay back beside her. "Do you want to finish?" she asks? We kiss and she lays back - I finish while she licks my lips and sucks my tongue. I know it's not BDSM-biblical, but it's been working for me.
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December 31st, 2008. Last day of the year. If tomorrow is a day for looking forward, today is a day for reflection.
As I'm writing here on collarme, I believe that after two months I can say this was probably a good idea. I've enjoyed the posts on the message board - although there seems to be an awful lot of people in the world having EXACTLY the same type of relationship I crave. I'm like a boy looking over a fence at another child with the toy I want. I will share this: I received a very nice email from a woman on Collarme today. She had been reading these entries and decided to drop me a line. It was nice interacting with someone from here. I believe I will continue, for the near future, with collarme.
I am undecided about Ms. mom. I spoke with her today - when she is away from her kids she's a very nice person. When I called her at home she's a completely other person. I understand that she is dealing with children 24/7, and when they're off from school they can get to be a bit much. They're older now, and able to get into much more trouble. I understand - but she's just another person when she's with them. We'll see. We have been doing every-other Saturday, but we're going to skip this one because of how close it is to New Years.
Finally, I decided on how to punish myself for failing to give up meat for a week. Today, I will do pushups until I can do no more. I will push myself to do as many as I can until I give out, take a breath, and keep going until I'm shakey and am unable to support myself. I'm afraid, alone, it's the best I can do. Next Saturday I'll give up something else and try harder to do better.
A Happy New Year to all. I wish anyone reading this the best in 2009.
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Eight days since my last entry - this is a combination of the holidays, my family and laziness. I got off my schedule completely. Now, where to begin...
Christmas eve and Christmas day. Family. Nieces and nephews, aunts, uncles and cousins. Gifts given and received. Standard fare. It was nice.
The weekend after Christmas I will admit to being lazy. I wasn't very motivated. However, something nice did happen. On Saturday afternoon I received a call; it was Ms. Mom. "What are you doing right now?" Nothing, really. Watching some tv. "My sister is watching the kids - I'm returning some gifts. Should I stop over and say hi?". She gave me 40 minutes from the phone call until she hit my door. I shaved and showered. I picked up my laundry. I made ice tea and opened a fresh box of cookies. I put on clean pants and a shirt. Turns out I didn't really have to bother with the pants nor the shirt - it was unexpected and appreciated. I'm going to buy her something nice for stopping over out-of-the-blue and giving me a little after Christmas cheer.
I have zero plans for New Years Eve. Ms. mom is in with the kids. I haven't made any phone calls - but there's a big chance it could be me and Dick Clark (or, what's-his-name, the guy that's taken over from him. Ryan freakin' Seacrest, I believe).
Lastly, but not leastly, I have failed. I gave up chicken for BDSM but I had a dish over the holidays. I had even forgotten I was supposed to not have it - it was reflex. However, I have failed. I need to be punished for that - seriously, I really need to be punished. Please. lol. I didn't pick another thing to give up yet - I'm going to let NYE go by, then pick.
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Sunday before Christmas. I'm not quite sure what to write about first, so these items are not in order of importance. I'm not sure why I wanted to write that - odd...
I believe my date last night could be considered a success. There was italian food which was good. Wine for her, vodka tonic for me. There was coffee and walking again (short walk, very cold last night), then the invitation back to my place. My invitation was graciously accepted. There, she wandered about while I made hot cocoa and got out some cookies. Sade, Enigma and Joan Osbourne was on the iPod. She was interested and asked questions about things in my place. Eventually, the tv went off but the iPod played on. A gentleman does not kiss and tell - but I believe a good time was had by all. I got a thank you phone call at 10am today - that's usually a good sign. I would like to continue to see her - but she's doing the thing where she's super protective about her kids, so I think we're still sticking to that every-other Saturday thing.
Yesterday, I had to pick another thing to give up for my BDSM cravings. I got my online poker back but I gave up all meat but seafood. No red meat, no fowl. This will be hard, as chicken makes up a ton of my protein. If I cheat, I hope I'll be honest enough to write it here. If I fail, then i should be punished - if only...
Work on Monday and Tuesday, then off the rest of the week. Christmas Eve (which I still prefer to the Day) still feels special to me, even at the ripe old age of 43. On Christmas Day I'm due at my mother's. Friday after Christmas is mine to do as I please - I was thinking of a massage and then perhaps a movie with a friend. The Clint Eastwood movie "Gran Torino" looks good. I'll avoid Mr. Cruise's Hitler movie like infectious medical waste.
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Friday before Christmas. I had an offer from a friend of mine to go out for dinner, but with the weather and the Christmas shoppers I thought I would stay in. So! Delivery chinese food (which I love). Man vrs. Wild. Survivorman. Browsing some sites. I want to play poker, but this is day 6 of giving it up. Tomorrow.
Speaking of which, I have to give something up again tomorrow. My head and heart tells me to give up my orgasms - but that's hard. Seriously hard. Even when I was with Her (Elsa, she-wolf of the SS), she didn't control my orgasm for 7 straight days. I will continue to think about that. Perhaps I'll give up Subway sandwiches for a week - the chicken breast sandwhich makes up my dinner probably 3x a week. I'll decide tomorrow.
Tomorrow is my date with Ms. mom. I did go back and change my mind on a gift - I got her something small. I bought her a Coach coin purse. The Coach store is on Michigan Ave, so it was right there. And, for God's sake, she's a grown woman with kids - I can't exactly get her a Starbucks gift card and whisper "Ho Ho Ho" in her ear. I believe it will be fine. I hope it will be fine.
Tomorrow morning I'll go to the gym, then do a quick last minute shop at Whole Foods for two grab-bag gifts that I need. Then, a hair cut, a shower-shave-etc...
Finally: I found by accident youporn.com - and they have full-length videos with one or two of the fetishes that twist me inside the right way. There's a woman named Harmony that's become a new friend. lol.
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It's been a little while since my last entry - I blame the season. Gifts and shopping. Decorations. Company Christmas parties.
Last week I gave up chocolate - successfully. This week I've decided to switch gears; I gave up online poker. I don't play for actual money (as I work too hard for mine), but I do like it to unwind. So, starting last Saturday and continuing until next Sat. no poker for me. I've been missing it already. It's good, as it makes me think I'm giving up something of value to me - which is what a good sub should do, I believe. Giving up the easy things don't matter. Doing the hard work and heavy lifting is where the meat of the matter lies.
I have my second date with this woman this coming Saturday night. Last time was Thai food, coffee, a walk and some kissing in her car. This time I'm going to take her to the Italian Village downtown. I thought that would be a good second date. Then, downtown during Christmas should be sufficiently whimsical / romantic. I believe I will invite her back to my place afterwards - I'll do it after dinner. I don't think I'll tell her beforehand. The choice will be hers. But, we'll walk along The Mag Mile afterwards - can't hurt. We'll see. I have not bought her a Christmas gift - deliberately. I'm hoping on Saturday she doesn't try and give me anything. Let me re-phrase that: I hope on Saturday she doesn't try and give me anything store-bought. I'm a bit skin-starved.
I'll end with this: my favorite fantasy I've been thinking about lately is an interrogation. Me, handcuffed hand and foot to a metal chair. SHE, in a uniform with some sort of a hat or cap. Lace of a bra peeking out of her button-up starched shirt. I have passwords in my head - and she wants them. Badly. I resist - She is too strong. She has too many options available to her. She brings me pain, then consoles me. She yells and curses at me, the whispers in my ear and promises me things if I tell her the passwords. She marks me. My chest and back, my arms and legs. At some point, water splashed on me. She laughs as I give her the passwords one by one. I usually finish long before the actually ending - but to keep it logical i have to play out the scene in my head. |
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Tuesday. Saw a movie called "We Own The Night" with Joaquin Phoenix, Eva Mendes and Mark Wahlberg. It wasn't bad - but my friend Joaquin did every man in America a favor by exposing the big brown tit of Ms. Mendes about 3 minutes into the movie. She's quite sexy.
My chocolate denial is going well - I want it enough to make me feel like i'm sacrificing but not enough that it feels like an itch I can't scratch. More and more I think about a pro-Dom. I don't want to go that way, but there are things I'd like to happen.
Same, same same. Studying and poker in the evenings with some TV. Friends on the phone. Some family calls. I talked to my date from Saturday - that seems to be going okay. She's more flirty now compared to before our date. She's a good person (I believe). She's about average in the looks department (which is fine - I've long since given up that one day I'll be with a super model). We'll see where this goes. I'm playing with an idea in my head of taking a day off, going to where she works and take her out for lunch (with advance notice, of course). But, if I do that, that sorta says something about how I feel and I don't think that's good or right or even appropriate now. So. We'll see. |
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You know, it's occurred to me that this is not so much of a journal as a blog - something I've never done and didn't really plan on doing. If anyone besides me is reading this and finds it lacking - my apologies in advance. I'm still relatively new to collarme, so I'm not quite sure how it all works. I know that people are viewing my profile, but I don't know if that includes this journal. If it does, I sincerely hope you read something more interesting and important during your day.
My date went well enough. Thai food and conversation. She's late 30's, two boys, divorced, hates her ex, etc... She can get a sitter every other week, so if this is something for me, it's going to be a bit sparce. Anyway, there was coffee and a shared cookie while looking at Christmas lights, then about five minutes of kissing in her car at the end of the night. That was nice. We emailed today as well - "thanks - it was very nice - you're nice - want to do it again?". That kinda thing.
2nd day of no chocolate. I had the chance to have a taste last night but steered the cookie choice to an iced oatmeal. Next Friday or Saturday I'll pick something else to deprive myself of. |
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Saturday. My date is tonight. Thai food, coffee then I thought a walk around a plaza where there's lots of holiday lights. Whimsical, I suppose. Actually, I'm sure it's whimsical. lol. I hope it's enjoyable - for both of us. My expectations are small - some conversation, an exchange of simple information about each of us. A hug at the end of the evening would be nice.
I've decided to do something in terms of BDSM. I will deny myself something - kind of like the catholics do for Lent. I will give up something each week. So, today and for the next 7 days I'll give up chocolate. I don't eat a lot of it, but I do like a taste every couple of days. The problem I have in my head is why I'm giving this up? If it's for a person, that's understandable. "Don't eat chocolate!" "Yes, Ma'am". It's understood: for you, I won't eat it. I have a problem doing this for myself. However, my mindset is I'm giving this up for my future Dom. So. No chocolate this week for a woman I haven't met yet. Perhaps next week, I'll give up an orgasm a day (much, much harder). Perhaps a week without working out, etc...
10am now. The snow has stopped falling. Going to workout now and some grocery shopping. Enough Internet porn. |
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Thursday. Worked out last night, then watched some TV - and that includes the Vicky's Secret fashion show thing. I suppose that Usher is the new Sammy Davis Jr. He's a Michael Jackson that (in an alternate universe) became an actual whole adult person without the taste for kids. Undeniably talented, just not my cup of tea.
The women were gorgeous, of course. The outfits were ridiculous, of course. I know the industry must have something to do each year to sustain itself, but my God there's nothing really necessary after panties and bra. Everything after that is parsley on your plate. A necklace and earings - gloves and shoes. Yes, I like an attractive woman dripping in gold and diamonds. I'm old enough to say that I appreciate a woman in fur. Their industry has eat, but those outfits are for others, not for men. I would never look at a woman and say "Oh, just one more feather would do it for me!".
I shopped online for my gifts and almost have them all done. I'm afraid I have nothing to report on the BDSM D/s front. It's on the forefront of my mind but a muscle I still feel like I cannot exercise alone. On the Chicago Craigslist there was a woman looking for a cuckold - I almost answered just to have the interraction. That isn't for me (I don't believe), but to exchange some email would've been nice. In the end I opted not to. Again, I have to guard against bad mistakes. |
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Tuesday. I've been putting it off, but I have a date this Saturday night - a vanilla date, I'm quite sure. I suppose it's possible this women is hiding beautiful leather lingerie and matching strap-on under her very sensible clothes. It's possible she has a St. Andrews cross in her garage. I suppose it's even possible she is a fucking queen at face sitting and will order me to lick her until my tongue is numb and my jaw aches - but I doubt it highly.
She's nice enough. I'll go into it with an open mind. I'll take her for thai food, then a coffee. As lonely as I am, I'm still committed at this point to trying to find a Dom in my life full-time. I don't want a vanilla relationship and still be looking for something else elsewhere. And I will certainly never again ask a vanilla woman "So, any Dominant tendencies? Wanna spank me?" No. So! In the mean time I'll keep my regular schedule. |
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Sunday night, after Thanksgiving. Family and plans for Christmas Eve. Thanksgiving leftovers (which I love - pan fried turkey. Yum). The Friday after Thanksgiving workout at the gym. Saturday, being lazy. Working out today, then putting up Christmas decorations.
Now - I'm waiting for the Bears game to come on. And the best reason for continued living: The Victoria Secret fashion show this Wednesday night! Ridiculous clothes on outstanding women. I finished another book - I have a test to take on 12/13 so I'll begin studying for that. You'll notice there wasn't a single D/s thing in my whole four day holiday - there wasn't. Not even a chance to do something for a woman. There was some internet porn - but nothing as far as working on myself from a BDSM point-of-view. No one is more disappointed than I am about that. |
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Wednessday before Thanksgiving - My office is closing early. It doesn't really affect me, as I'm salaried, but if everyone else is leaving I suppose I should as well. I believe i"ll go for a swim, then go to whole foods and do some last minute shopping for the holiday. I feel like I need to do something to jump start some things. I could kneel and whip myself "mea culpa, mea culpa" - but I would be doing nothing but submitting to an inanimate object. I've begun thinking about some random act of kindness towards a woman. Perhaps there's something I can do. I dunno. But if I don't meet anyone by the new year, I'm going to seriously consider a pro Dom - I'm getting very skin starved. I really don't want to separate my affection and the want of a relationship from my BDSM / sub needs. I don't want to date and get involved with a vanilla woman and then go and find some other woman for the other side. I want them together. |
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I had a strange dream last night. Let me preface by saying that I don't usually have erotic dreams at night - however, I dreamt that I heard a voice (feminine) ask "Do you want me to hurt you?". I believe I said yes - and that's when someone bit me on the top of my shoulder. Hard. That's odd, because I don't usually dream about BDSM. P.S. - I just emailed a Dom about a grammar mistake she made in a journal entry of hers. Actually, she used a phrase incorrectly. Just by looking at her, I'm willing to bet she's not going to see me as trying to be helpful. lol. |
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I had a long online chat with a friend last night about the nature of BDSM. The topic that we spent the most amount of time on was "BDSM is pretend violence". The handcuffs and restraints. The spankings/paddlings/belts/whips/cans. Being ordered about. All done on a scale that sometimes mimicks what is done violently but never quite crosses that line (or, should never cross that line). I've never cared for being caressed by a feather. I've never liked the flogs with linen or cloth tails - they seem like a waste of time to me. Of course, it's the Dom's wish - but people that practice BDSM don't just think of these instruments that are used out of the air - these are instruments that have been used for violence that we soften or tone down to simulate something so both sides get what they're after. And I also agree that no sub wants open wounds on their backs and thighs all the time - but I think it is incredibly necessary for a sub to dance very close to that line and get those injuries at least once - so that each time it happens you never know if it's going to happen again. That's the line - at least in my head. I've been marked - it hurts but also satisifying to take a beating. Each time it happens, I wonder if it's happening again. You need to be slapped hard, so each time you're slapped softer it brings that memory back. Every once in a while, you need to go to that line. Not every time, but certainly on a regular basis. Anyway - James Bond and a Chipotle burrito is in my future tonight. I'll stay up afterwards and browse for good porn. I'll swim tomorrow morning. |
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I spent a lot of time last night thinking: You are what you do. Anyone could say they are an astronaut - but to be one you have to do the things an astronaut does. If I don't have a Dom woman in my life and are not practicing my submission, am I a submissive right now? Forget about the past - in the past, i have been. I've done submissive things. I've satisfied the definition. But, today - right now? No, I am not. And, despite what I've read, I don't believe you can practice your submission skills alone. I can keep my mindset. But, actually doing the things that a submissive does requires someone to both direct and accept that energy. I feel like a boy on a playground with a ball and there's no one to play with. It's been a while. |
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I looked at my post from last night and thought "wow - this could've been from any perv in the city". Not very proud of myself. As usual, when there is nothing to give focus or structure water tends to splash all over. I'm going to workout, then watch Ghost Hunters tonight. Finish "Fear and Loathin in Las Vegas". Eat a sub sandwich. Relax. Perhaps a hot bath around 9pm. |
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I've been gone for a bit - hadn't checked in due to helping a family member.
Found a new place for a massage - six corners (irving park and milwaukee). Not as expensive as where I used to go.
So! First small dusting of the season. Cold, cold cold... Nothing really interesting over the weekend - had dinner on friday with a friend. I'm supposed to see Quantum of Solice on Friday with another friend. I'm boxing Saturday morning.
I did go to an adult book store to look at porn - five dollars in quarters. As usual, it was a mixture of slight excitement and that disappointment that I don't have someone in my life so I do these things to take the edge off - to make my head and my cock stop. Oh well. The porn was good - an older woman just finger-fucking the crap out of a younger woman.
Next week is thanksgiving. |
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By accident I came across "Prey for Rock N Roll" on cable. It's not a very good movie, much more of a guilty pleasure. But for a guy that has a smoking fetish, it's actually porn. I should get this on DVD. So, it's the gym and then I'll try and finish "On the Road". It's sorta a long, little boring read. I'll finish it - it just isn't as good as I'd hoped.
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11-10-08 - Monday. It's been another frustrating couple of days - I go thru ups and downs, where being alone bothers me and then it doesn't. Today (and yesterday) it does. |
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I absolutely love the character of Lady Heather on CSI - although, apparently, she's not doing BDSM any longer.
She's so very smart. She's so intuiative. She looks below the surface at EVERYTHING.
Okay - and hot. But, so much more than hot. I do believe if she ever turned those big, bright eyes on me I think I would probably just freeze.
A great episode. I went to sleep thinking of her. |
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Thursday 11/6 - FINALLY! A reason to live - LADY HEATHER ON A NEW CSI TONIGHT.
I don't want to belabor a point, as a am an adult, but Jesus Freakin' Christ do I love Lady Heather on CSI! "You want to be my boss?". "Welcome to Lady Heather's domain".
First, the gym. I think I"ll order some chinese food. Get a shower - and get ready for Lady Heather.
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Tuesday - Election day. I'm getting out of downtown early, as I don't want to be caught in the Obama rally crowd.
Not sure what I'm going to do with the time. I looked into getting a massage - but that's so many different colours and flavors. Do I want a sexual or straight-up massage? Male, or female? A spa, or a more intimate place....
I'm unsure. I have another hour before I leave - perhaps I'll decide by then. All I know is that the chinese food I had for lunch has made my stomach upset. And I want a massage. And, possibly to cum. So, an upset stomach, skin-starved and horny - that's where I'm at right now. Seriously, I need to find something more to concentrate on. |
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Thursday- I'm going to the grocery store tonight to buy all the halloween candy I need for the kids. I actually enjoy handing out the candy. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays.
Friday will find me handing out candy. Saturday night will be thai food with friends after the gym.
I'm thinking of re-reading either the Rice Beauty books or The Marketplace books again.
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Tuesday - Worked out last night, plan to do so again tonight. A guy here at work loaned me "Fight Club" - loved the movie so I'll read the book. So far, it's good - but I like the movie better. That's a little off, as usually it's the other way around.
I'll spend some time on the message boards today, responding where I think I have something to offer. |
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Sunday night. I've wanted to get off all day - but to try and keep some of this need under wraps I wanted until now. And! Now that my mind is clear again I can write.
I see where Dom's are looking at my profile, but I get no emails. Frustrating. Perhaps I need to be more specific in my profile on what I'm looking for?? I dunno. |
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Saturday. Got up and swam before 10 - just me and the eastern Europeans at the public pool. Followed that with a scone from Whole Foods. Looked at some pictures and got off, then came here. Lunch, followed by a DVD (probably), then meeting friends for dinner and drinks at their place. Who knows - perhaps I'll meet someone. |
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I believe this is day two of my participate on collarme.
I spent some time and just browsed thru the pictures here - there are some truly attractive women here (hopefully these are real women and not just bots).
There are a lot of submissive women. I've dated some in the past - that's not where I'm at right now and the foreseeable future. There are some very beautiful dominant women here but so many of them are "professionals". They are gorgeous (especially my new friend "DahliaDomination" that has that great smoking fetish picture).
We'll see where this goes. It's frustrating - i see the ads where some people have other people already and are just loving life. They are happy. I feel sometimes like all this love and sex is just swirling around me. It's been two years now - I'm just ready for someone. |
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| Age: 28 |
| Texas,
Indiana |
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