Profile updated again, to correct an error and also say I'm willing to relocate. 

I just reactivated my Fetlife account. If you want to make contact there, here is the link: https://fetlife.com/users/4311006. 

I'm not sure you're meant to feel some sympathy for Nurse Ratched in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, but I just watched the film and to be honest, I felt a fair amount of empathy for her. I know she's meant to be a Machiavellian manipulator (though I felt you mostly saw that in her treatment of Billy), but I found McMurphy to be a bit of a selfish twat who was mostly doing only what he wanted and only had a positive impact by accident. 

I found it interesting because it felt as if there was a man v woman framing to the whole film (for example when Billy has just lost his virginity he loses his stammer, and it only returns when Nurse Ratched mentions his mother - which seemed like a not so subtle plea to the idea that men are constrained by women which I don't agree with). 

I updated my profile so goodness knows how long it'll be before it's visible again. 

Feeling lonely and needy tonight. Desperately wanting someone in my life. Ultimately, I know that's up to me and that I've probably blown more opportunities than not, but I suppose all I can do is keep going. I've been single for over a year and questioning a lot of what I want... I worry that my past trauma influences my decisions today and yet I still long to be ruled and to serve a Lady with all my mind, heart, and soul. 

== Results from bdsmtest.org ==
98% Slave
95% Submissive
89% Rope bunny
85% Pet
79% Experimentalist
77% Masochist
72% Brat
62% Switch
62% Degradee
62% Non-monogamist
45% Primal (Prey)
40% Rigger
30% Vanilla
27% Voyeur
19% Dominant
10% Owner
10% Degrader
8% Primal (Hunter)
8% Exhibitionist
8% Sadist

While I’m on a break from Fetlife, one thing I’m conscious of is that I tend to post things about looking for someone to go for cups of tea with, visit graveyards, go to bookshops and then snuggle up for reading.


It’s pretty silly, but it’s meant sincerely. While I have to stop myself from adding “apply within”, in the end, it reflects how I would like a relationship to start. A thing of meeting for tea, visiting graveyards/taking quiet walks, and sharing a love of books and reading. Of course, it isn’t everything I want, and I hope that’s obvious as this is a kink site. It’s just that, as I’ve probably said so much that people are sick of it, I want to make a connection on a vanilla level and then grow the kink side of things. I’m looking for a band that takes more than just a love of kink, and I want to go slowly and surely.


Eventually, I’d want things to develop into something more committed, and deeper, and to bring in other elements. I just don’t want to rush it. I don’t want to be someone’s mistake. I also want to be sure that most of our mutual needs can be met, and that both of us are working on whatever we need to work on - trauma is being addressed, patterns of behaviour are being broken if they’re negative, and so on. I want to be sure that the connection with this hypothetical person is strong, and that it can withstand a lot of shit - because I think life is going to get more, not less, difficult in the next few years. Any relationship is going to have to be strong enough to ride out the coming storms.


Adding to this, I suppose I should expound on what I actually want. Before I go on, I should ask that the reader remember that this is me putting things out into the universe, so of course it’s selfish as fuck - I imagine yours would be too… Isn’t that sort of the point? (It strikes me as odd that we both castigate the “I have no limits” people, but also defining what you want can lead to you being accused that “you’re trying to control things and reduce me to a fetish dispenser” - the point is to talk things through and get to a happy medium, surely?). This is my “moon on a stick” list of things I want to have in a relationship.


Vanilla: I want a relationship based on love, trust, communication, and sharing, and that reflects shared values. I want something where we can have separate bedrooms, though, in part because I snore horrifically and I feel guilty if I disturb people’s sleep. I also have restless legs - no idea why, but I suspect it’s anxiety related - and so I want to sleep alone to avoid kicking my partner. I also want to have a space that is mine (mine, all mine, bwahahahaha), because I want somewhere I feel I can go to write, create, and study. Or even just curl up if I need to be by myself because sometimes I do. This isn’t a slight against a hypothetical partner, it’s just how I am. I’m very introverted, think I may be an HSP, and there are times when alone feels like bliss - not because of who the other person is, or anything they’ve done… just because I need that time by myself for my sanity.


Touch is, however, very important to me and is probably my primary love language, so I would like a lot of that. I enjoy acts of service too and supporting the person I’m with. I like giving massages and other forms of body worship too. I am happy to take responsibility for housework, cooking, and other domestic chores. This being said, I am a writer and I do need time to work and I expect that to be respected in a relationship.


I hope my partner will have their own passions outside of kink and that they can be things we can share (books, board games, cats - you know, stuff like that). I value creativity, so I’d love it if they were also a writer or an artist, or something like that.  I know we don’t have to be completely in tandem, but at the same time, I have learned that shared passions are very often the key to a relationship and that losing that common ground can spell disaster. I’m not sure how I feel about having children - I used to be very opposed but now, I just don’t know.

 

This last week I filed for divorce. Its interesting what almost a year of counselling can achieve as a year ago I couldn't face the divorce process but now it feels like tidying up and just putting the chairs on the tables. 

I also had a non erotica story published which made me happy. 

I hopefully uploaded 2 new pics, one 9f me and one of a poem I find inspiring. 

Happy Yuletide, you kinky buggers. xxx

I'm told that I should say what I offer as part of this, so here goes:

I'm a skilled writer, proofreader, editor, and researcher, and can deliver information in a sensible, easy to absorb, fashion. I can perform basic admin tasks, including maintaining databases, answering emails/messages, and taking minutes. I'm intelligent, a good listener, with a good level of empathy, and am told I give a good massage. I can cook, clean, bake, and am (slowly) learning to make my own clothes. I do my share of emotional labour and have a good memory (for some things, at least). I can provide references.

I hope at least some of that catches the eye and makes you (whoever you are) feel that I could be a really useful person for you.

I've been lurking on this site, wondering whether to contact anyone and realising that I'm not sure what I'm looking for in many ways. I'm torn between wanting a committed 24/7 D/s relationship with a wonderful Domme, or osmething more casual because I'm conscious that I'm looking at transitioning, that I want to do a PhD, and that I have a load of books I want to write. I don't want to present myself as something I'm not, and I don't want to be with someone who seems intent on denigrating me from the off (and so a lot of Dommes' profiles have me backing away because of their tone). 

I must admit too, that even though I think of myself as a decent writer, I'm coming up short with what to actually say to people. A simple introductory message feels like it could be fraught with danger, and yes that does seem incredibly stupid to say. 

Anyway, I thought I would put something here just because "I ain't dead" as Granny Weatherwax from the Discworld books would put it. 

Thought I might as well try to record something here. I haven't been on this site since it had the old name and I've done a lot of growing and changing since then. Despite that I recognise a lot of the names I'm seeing, which makes me wonder if there's a lovely community here that's full of support and people come back or if people here aren't particularly successful at fnding what they want. 

I'm plucking up the courage to start sending some messages, in the hopes of finding someone to travel with through this messy thing called life.