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| I'm in and out of the Southern California area, and am only finding wannabes Doms, egotistical asses, and submissive guys. So SoCal let's see if you're better than that ;)
I look to confront fear, think outside the box, feel able to stand on my own, and take anything that comes my way. My nature is dark, from my humor, to my dress, to my art. I'm really into pain, pushing limits, edge play, endurance. I like deep connections, built on trust, time and commitment. I like variety, I like to never be bored, and thankfully I rarely am.
I consider BDSM to be more than something that happens in a relationship, but more a mindedness towards a culture.
I've been active in the BDSM community for over 8 years. I've been kinky since my first kiss. I recently left an 8 year 24/7 Switch/switch relationship. We still love each other to death are best friends, live together, and well we're kinksters so weird things happen.
Currently I'm primarily interested in being a part time sub/slave to an experienced Dominant who practices Edge Play. I have some health issues (arthritis mostly) that make my default street fighter play dynamic not feasible.
I'm crazy Dominant in my daily life, am polyamorous, and have my own wonderful submissive girl so I'm not for keeps. I submit to a person and to my relationship with that person, this does not extend to decisions over my time (that must be a mutual agreement) and certainly not my life.
I'm an experienced edge play submissive, really an experienced edge player in general.
My kinks include: Fire play, blood play, needle play, knife play, impact play, abduction/rape play. I pretty much "top","bottom" and everything in between everything but fire and rope. Only I Dom the fire, and outside of some basic functional ties I bottom to rope.
If you look at how long this profile has been here (and this wasn't even my first profile!) you'll see that I've been around a LONG time and am used to the Shenanigans.
If I'm talking to you keep in mind I may just be amusing myself.
If your profile clearly reflects who you are on a day to day basis and you have experience than obviously I'm talking to you for other reasons ;)
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New Year, New Profile Text.
One of my New Year's resolutions is to put more emphasis on the personal. I do a lot of stuff, I have a tendency to spend most of my time working. While I love what I do, making art, and my amazing day job in psych. I get tired. I get burned out.
Also, this has been particularly tough to manage in BDSM, as a lot of my creative work involves the community. As I work as a model, performer, and writer.
Last year my New Year's resolution was to "make the personal political" aka, apply my personal ethics to my artistic statement; and amplify the value of my personal ethics in my life. At this I was unbelievably successful, but it is time to do a bit of fine tuning.
I ended the year with some amazing partners in and outside the scene; and a growing list of people I can call friends within the community. This amazes me despite my hazing version of readjustment to oh, just about everything in my life.
At least for awhile I am going to hang out here, in this lovely space I claimed awhile back. A personal, which is simply personal.
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Y'all gonna wish I wrote this shit for you, you'll have to live with the fact that it was written for somebody:
My 9th grade English teacher taught me that the point of learning
rules is to be able to break them like an expert I know the rules, and
I started putting them into practice in more than the art of language
that year. By the time I was a sophomore I was thankful to have been
given the experience of surpassing gag reflexes, and the bliss of sub
space.
I'm a bad girl, dirty and sick. Who wants to be defiled in every
way imaginable. Who is plagued in dreams by that sweet sweet release,
but lives the nightmare of doing fucking anything to not have to say
please.
I miss the boy who made my back bleed, and never showed remorse in
taking what he knew was rightfully his. Or the one who pinned my face
to the wall by my neck, while he found knew ways to humiliate me. He
was so determined to get over fear he'd keep placing pins until his
hand stopped shaking, and fucked me bound just because he knew he could.
And I was only a child then, now I'm grown, so are you.
Rules seem so damn pointless now, boring and tired things they are.
I have never been anything but disobedient, and don't plan to stop now.
Please, don't make me stop now, and you know I'll do anything to not say that word, yet I feel the need to say it now.
You know what's yours and you know how to get it.
And I know you fucking hate rules, your a sadist, and I'm a masochist.
All rules do is keep us from being free.
You got into this because you dream of the kinkiest dirtiest shit a man can ever do to a girl.
And I can only take what you give.
Disobedient, but I know my place, and mean my antics with the upmost respect.
I promise I won't give in until I have redefined the depth of the word: surrender.
Yours,
s.
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Spamming for love is an amazing collarme phenomenon. I have something special planned for SMB in DC next Saturday, fun times, fun times.
This site is going to be on hold for a bit, in terms of my attention. I'll still log in, etc, but the importance is down played.
Love just running into anarchist boys who love pain and power dynamics, and have my hands full with other people, and well, my big expansive crazy life.
To answer a shit ton of messages:
- Yes, I mean everything I say.
- BTW, I know I'm hot.
- I will not relocate.
- I will not be your baby.
- I will not hesitate to crush you under the weight of your own ego.
Have a nice day!
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Me: I don't do strict, demanding, and possessive, yet I guarantee I am more serious than you.
Them: then you are just another poser if you think that ...
Me: I do way more than "the scene" to me this venue is largely a cop out, and those who think they need to be strict etc, to truly get themselves and others to reach what can be reached from what you all preach, are just inhibiting yourselves.
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Vanilla who?
Nothing in my life really is. My mind isn't wired vanilla in any sense. I have a job, I go to work, I do my professional thing. Just put a slight damper on the dark sense of humor, wear clothes that fit the setting, but that I still like. Type with a pen stuck through my hair. Sending dirty love letters at lunch, and then home.
None of my friends are "vanilla", are they all bondage freaks? No. However, they are self aware individuals who strive to be their odd selves in every way. Like me, they are artists, anarchists, at times even erotic artists. Our discussion of our lives involves things like the loss involved with moving forward creatively, abandoning old ways of thinking.
The people I seek out, are always in a flux. Changing, bettering themselves, never allowing a moment in their lives of discontent going unaddressed. People who confront fear head on.
I drove to him last night, he called at 1am. Just based on his schedule that's often the best we can do. I was hunting for my camera battery charger, and his call was oh so welcome. I drove through all the drunken pedestrians and drivers, up to the not so good block where we meet when both of our homes our uninhabitable due to our crazy lifestyles.
We both believe and actively study attuneness, do this often through meditation. This time I studied how I was breathing more closely, I think this time he noticed I had picked up the trick. As we lapsed into meditation in tune.
The thing about long term meditation work, especially when combined with deep breathing, music, art, and writing/reading philosophy; is that you learn to trust your body, and how to push it past the brink. To push past all fear, anxiety, self want and desire, and resonate with another. Tapping into that deeper primal rhythm of connectedness.
Ever try to do extended breath work while getting fucked harder than the beat of a heavy tribal drum circle? It's kinda crazy, euphoric, doing measured breathing, due to the intensity of it I could only manage 4 second inhale/4 second exhale. This morning can do 6 in, and 12 out.
I write this for example, this is what I expect from D/s too. Not necessarily like crazy tantric/primal/trance sex, but the sentiment is there. I've done it too, try adding S&M as well, and my god.
These days I expect partners to be physically fit, and well versed in major aspects of the body and mind. May it be meditation, philosophy, martial arts, eastern practices, ancient western practices. Paired with drive, and a motivation to be, to continue to learn. It is amazing. Or a complete openess and willingness to put everything forward, though that drive is always there.
I also like to be able to have intriguing conversations with my partners. Out of body experiences and lucid dreaming we're the parting topic last night.
Point being, messages about what you'd like to do to me will go no where. Note that whole, my crazy intelligence being met with crazy ego bit. I am crazy smart, driven, phyiscally fit, and creative. People who get permission to bind me, in the manners I describe here, have to be all four, and be able to set ego aside. Formulate the dynamics in a way that will allow that to occur.
Otherwise, no dice.
If you're not seeking me in an deep submissive state, these things don't all need to apply, I love to teach, and help dominants break in their skills *grin*
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BDSM Interests: Most of mine are not on that little list of interests.
- Constriction: with rope, tape, clothspins, clamps, etc. Done to rather extreme degrees. Not talking nipple clamps, one partner could use up an entire package of clothspins, and about 50ft of line on my body.
- Temperature play: items using extreme cold, and extreme heat, in varying combinations, classic, ice and wax.
- Forced orgasm control/denial: getting to the very brink of climax, then letting it go, over and over again, and then being pushed through to orgasm, at this point usually so exhausted, this an extraordinary kind of shattering.
- Contortionism: crazy posing and positioning, usually held for very long periods of time, either via restraint, during sexual activity, voluntarily or under order.
I'll add more later *grin*
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WOW.
It wasn't until I was almost back to the house that the orgasm started to unravel.
I need to have sex while in deep meditation more often.
Really not though. If we did *that* more than every two or three weeks, we'd like die of exhaustion.
Don't try this at home, I only check the expert level on items deserving as such.
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My site, will be up shortly, within the next day or so.
Message me for details, journal will be hosted there . . . teasers, will be posted here.
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For me there was never a becoming, there just a was.
Often I'm asked how long I have been into "this", it's a tricky question to answer.
Do I say since I was wrapping nylon strings around my fingers until they turned blue when I was 6?
When I started understanding how pain can feel good and cathartic at age 8?
When I was first fascinated by noir and burlesque at age 10?
When I realized I enjoyed being submissive, and "forced" to do things to my first boyfriend at age 15?
Which pair of boots counts more? The soft more feminine 8 holes I got when I was 13, or do I have to wait until I got my rugged patent 10 hole doc's when I was 18?
Which by the way was after attending my first fetish night.
Do I not count until I got my first "battle scar" from my first long term boyfriend at age 19?
It is something that has always been, and rarely in my life have I ever denied. Sometimes I haven't had it, but that ache was always present in my heart.
This is not about the scene to me, never has been. It is just something that is, tends to go well in this venue. Though at no point in my life did I ever make a decision, or become. It already was.
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Pain, Part 1
Day to Day: Pain as a Part of Living:
Right now I have a nasty stye in my right eye. My family and I have been having issues, particularly with my mother it's been rough. She insighted a particularly nasty and triggering in person intervention. It was insulting, and showed her complete lack of respect and understanding for how I live my life. It had nothing to do with "the scene" by the way, most things in my life transcend the "the scene", just happens to be that many of my themes run somewhat in line with it.
So I came home, had a good cry, contacted some people, to insight the exact kind of support I needed. A philosophical debate, a empathetic sarcastic remark, and a I'm sorry I'm busy, I miss you, and I love you; where my current crisis went unspoken. I myself, did the work, I let it go. Spoke in the mind the truth of me in the moment, the truth of my parents, grieved the lack of parity, and took a nap.
I already had a very small stye, now it's obnoxious. Soaking it on Friday brought almost all the swelling down on Saturday, it had drained, etc, it's back for more.
I have a lot of medical fragility. I grew up in obscene amounts of pain. I've been getting styes which were hard to treat, sometimes swelling my eye shut, since I was like 5. I don't currently have my magic eye drops, this one I may end up needing them for, but tomorrow is a holiday, etc, etc. A lot of the ones this summer I have been able to lance and drain. This one is way under the lid, and I'm not that skilled *grin*
I considered heading to urgent care, but was unable to get through to ask about insurance, and also basic research does not tell me about the magical eye drops, it took my pediatrician a long time to find them, and unless I have a bottle in hand it's doubtful that's what I'll get. So it's back to boling compresses, forcing myself to sit up to help the fluid drain, etc. It's bright pink, purplish in places, annoying as hell.
When I was 12 I had a plantar's wart, the doctor tried cutting it out twice, each time it came back even worse, and the virus even spread causing two more warts on my foot. So I took a pair of cuticle scissors, and some tweezers, and removed the core of all the warts. The main one consisted of 1/2in long threads going into my foot. I had to be careful not to let a single one break, or the infection would be locked in there.
I also get deep recessed abcesses, which are extremely painful, especially on my forehead . . . these I get thankfully one per season change when under stress, good self care has rid me of most skin issues. One in July I had to cut open, rinse, and scoop out like three times, before I got the core of the infection and the swelling receeded, and it healed.
I grew up with severe ear infections, resulting in two largely ineffective surgeries, and got a two year break before I started getting severe migraines, the first left me alone in the dark quiet of my room for about a month.
I'm allergic to most anti-biotics, anti-inflamatories (Advil, Asprin, etc), Opiates, and other pain killers.
Does this make you wince??? It's my day to day life. The only time I take anything for pain is in the beginning of a migraine, as they rebound within their own pain, I get two Tylenol, or if I can feel that my nervous system is wigging out due to chronic pain, for which I have a prescription opiate which sometimes works. Well, it always kills the pain, but sometimes causes me to itch and start scratching all over my body, and hallucinate lightly.
Pain, it important, it says slow down, there is something wrong. I listen to pain, take care of myself through whatever means necessary, if it means pulling out scissors, or boiling water.
It does not, however, scare me. It is simply a message to be interpreted. I receive it, and do my best to figure out a remedy. In no way shape or form am I about harming my body (at least not these days).
In June my foot slipped on some narrow and high concrete stairs, with rough sandpapery grips. I managed a breakfall on my left forearm, as I slid down probably between 8 to 12 steps. When I stopped falling I realized I was in a bit of shock, I figured out what had happened on the way down. I stayed still, tested my body with different muscle tension exercises, to access the damage, looked around, no one was paying attention.
I decided I was badly scrapped and bruised, but nothing was broken. I calmly got up, walked around, to inform security. I am a superbly fit, 26 year old pain junkie. Me falling down the stairs kept me out of practice for a week, someone else, could have easily broken a bone. Took me about 5 to 10 minutes to find someone. Eventually went back up the stairs, and calmly asked someone at a nearby store to call them. She asked me why, I showed her my arm, and she just about fell over.
It didn't hurt, well obviously it did, I still have a scar running down my forearm, though it should fade out soon. Though I didn't process as being something to be afraid of, and I didn't process the sensation of pain as harm. Simply a message being sent from my body to my brain that there had been some injury, and that I needed to listen up and do what was necessary to take care of it.
I had them clean and bandage the arm, it took 3 or 4 large bandaids, to get the core of the scrape. Cleaned it out with alcohol. My wrist really was the worse off, with little pain, or visible damage, but the impact of the fall, had badly hurt the muscles. So I laid off of it for a few days, stopped intensive practice, though did enough to keep it moving, and listened for that pain to tell me to stop.
Pain is a part of life.
This is essay 1, of about 3. |
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Bondage literature cracks me up!!!!!!!
When submissive, I don't meet any of the 9 levels (who came up with 9 anyways?), there is none for full time lifestyle submission, I despise the fucking lack of respect. Whoever, writes this stuff needs to go suck a nut.
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Due to the nature of a fall project I plan to take on, my prior title is no longer applicable. Truth is, in the past it often hasn't been. I believe in rising to the occasion, and sometimes that means I need to play a more dominant role. The core of this, surrender, ideally goes both ways. I'm strong enough, and wise enough to know how to work both directions.
You doms always think I don't understand you, oh, I know all too well.
However, I dislike relationships where I'm in charge 24/7, I believe in empowering people, providing insight, and furthering their growth, at some point people need to stop following and learn a bit on leading themselves when they are around me, or it is a no go.
For myself and submission I am not so down on the degradation, and this discipline. As I am not broken, and I show respect where it is deserved, and know how to behave. When in submission, I am often at my happiest, but I look out for my needs and what is best for me.
Wow, it only took me, what 6 weeks to get fully re-oriented?
*over and out*
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You are not a switch or a dominant if you use these things to be able to say hurtful things out of your own denial. I see these things for what they are, and will actually just cut these people from my life.
At least most submissives and slaves turn the hurt inwards, and I hope they realize it is ok to stop hurting. Many do, that is when people can really connect with each other.
So many people I have dropped from my life for this very reason. Some I have known for years. If we've just met, it's going to be quick and immediate.
This has happened many times on this site, with multiple individuals. As much as I would like to work with a switch, other than one who has been super honest, it has not worked out. With the dominants I have been able to pinpoint these easily. Switches, I guess by their very nature tend to be more passive aggressive, and tricky with it.
No dice.
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There is no point to boss someone around who is already willing, it is an insult.
I will take what is given, embrace it, embrace pain to push the tension forward let it rise, to that point where life flashes before your eyes, everything ceases to be anything but what it is, and suddenly you feel a complete and total vulnerability. I still serene and in the upmost pain, pinned down by it, crippled and compromised let go and carry you through your own surrender. Full complete and total surrender, awe, pain, euphoria, rattling through you, through me.
It's rapture.
And how I fuck.
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I am a student of surrender.
I offer deliverance, my children's names are: mercy, salvation, and acceptance.
Often when I am in the deepest pain I feel the most serene.
No wonder I scare you.
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It upsets me by the way, that line breaks often don't work on here.
Often I'm asked how things usually work with my partners, when I'm talking to someone new, or just in general curious about my life.
I say with each it is so radically different. It's part of what I am finally now able to enjoy, as growing pains are ceasing with a good number of them.
I'll admit, when I'm entering new things, or in transitions with pre-existing ones, I can get super anxious, at times volatile, and emotional. This summer was torturous with that due to also being in a career transition. I continue to try and find a job that works for me, but more and more I know what I am looking for.
What can be between between two people can never exceed what is. I try simply to be aware of that, and only go for that. This is a new way of approaching relationships for me, and it is working incredibly well, and works naturally.
Growing up I was taught this expectation that with enough work anything can work, and forever. That's not true.
Wanting something isn't enough, especially with people, as everyone wants, and not everyone wants the same thing.
Work isn't enough.
It takes recognizing what things are. Which is a hard bargain, it throws want out the window, and breaks dreams. Though allows in so many ways for things to extend past expectation.
All my relationships have that in common, or they fail, and cease to be. Sometimes, I can't manage what is, and need it to let it go. How they play out though, is always different.
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I am not a child, I have a very strong mind and will, the direction it flows in is just towards the end of recognizing surrender and letting go. I like to provide that release for others, I like people to drive me to a point of being able to do so in ways I didn't expect to.
Though as I know myself, who I am, what I value, have a sense of purpose and reason in all that I do. I expect respect.
You can be dominant to the high heavens, be able to drive people to points that they never believed they would witness. I understand dominance.
Many though, do not understand submission. There is no need to be pushy with me, if I see the opportunity I take it. Though that respect must be present, that respect comes from a willingness to truly tune into me, and what I am about. To simply to be with it, and it is a lot to handle. Ego, so easily gets in the way.
I am a bit switch-ish too, however, my motivation is never to drive people to do anything, I do it only ever to meet a need. To me, what I value about my life is that I allow it to be, only what it is and what it can be. That I have the resources, and a sense of self that can withstand that.
When I come to those awesome moments when I recognize I can allow something to just be what it is, move forward into with a willingness to confront whatever it is that may be ahead of me, there is nothing better in the world.
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Oh, the psychic link so failed.
Oh well. |
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No Sex Today, Please?
Oh man, last week at my horrible job, it stays horrible. Decided to cut out a few hours early today, reorient myself, feel less like shit.
Came home yesterday and just slept, knew two days in a row of that would be unwise. Coughing a bit, sore lungs, sluggish, unhappy, dizzy from not eating enough.
Walked home, bought some cough drops and juice. Made delicious delicious soup, made cocktails, staff practice, lots of chatting online, put in laundry.
I am quite content with people being pixels today.
I truly believe in being mentally happy, well fed, and rested when this kind of stressed, but not pushing it either.
There is a possibility one of my partners may call wishing to come over. I would really really like to see him, but not too down on the getting laid bit. It'd be awesome, but would probably do me in physically.
Hopefully, he will get this psychic message. |
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Never have I been into formalities with sex. I am just submissive, even in non D/s relationships I always follow the lead of my partner. It's why these days I am picky, I got damn lucky a lot early on.
One of my current partners is deep into meditation, is a musician, and for both of these purposes has learned how to circular breath. Essentially keeping a continuous flow of air, while inhaling through the nose.
I too play woodwind instruments, and have studied meditation. Though my focuses have always been a bit different. Know a lot of crazy positions too mostly through D/s. I know a lot of what my body is capable of.
However, I never really studied circular breathing, it was never quite my thing, and a bit scary. I can super extend my breaths though, I am good with regulated breathing, but inhaling while exhaling?
He is totally in the moment, and I go right with him there. Is anything identifiably super kinky? No, as with everything, it is all in the details. Like the hand print on my wall 4 feet above the bed.
I need to wash that off at some point . . .
He comes and sees me when he can. We are kissing deeply, and I know, just know he does not have to stop at any point, as he will not run out of air. So I didn't either.
I felt my lungs begin to feel empty, and I rummaged around my body for a way to amend the situation without stopping. Somehow I did, not quite sure what I did, as I was able to do so by being tuned into him.
He and I have a purely carnal and primal connection. Not only that it gets deeper and more so every single time we are together. Because we both believe in letting go.
More later, ran out of time. |
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I feel like raiding some random goth club tonight.
Anyone game?
Since it's Baltimore that means it's probably the orfice, or else.
Not down with DC today.
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My Way of Life
Work for me has been miserable. I was down at work today, like literally slumped over, passed out my desk down. Just from the stress of being there. As I was coming home I got a text message from my friend, who is lovely, and I have known him since we were in high school. He loves to mass text. It was on an a new club, and I was into it. I messaged back offered a ride. For whatever reason I decided to dress up, grabbed one of my parasols, ate as we caught up with each other at my place and headed out.
Awesome, awesome beats. I decided to own it. By the time the evening was picking up, I had taken over the stage. When I got tired of parasol, I'd go back down on the floor.
Dance, is an interesting art, it is entirely about letting go. Of inhibition, fear, and control over the body. I discovered that I can most likely break dance, by the end of the night I had discovered some crazy floor moves. A nickname I had secretly chosen for myself, was given to me out of the blue.
When doing impromptu performances (I can't just seem to go dancing anymore!) you know you got them hooked when you go out to smoke a cigarette, and you catch a large swath of space in front of you, stares but no conversation. On the floor people easily made way, it was beautiful. Every time I do this, I get a little bit better at it.
There was also an odd sort of vindication to it all. Another performer, who I am now on the outs with, who kept me under her shadow for years, and was a source of splitting between myself and other performers in our area, was there. She was doing her thing, but they weren't watching her . . . She is one that I no way feel bad for, rare for me. I tend to have at least some empathetic connection for once friends, despite how we ended up on the outs. Her though, she was in many ways abusive, not just to me, but to our entire performance community. It felt good to trump her spot as the center of attention. As wrong as that may sound, it's the truth.
I love what I do. Absolutely love it, and of my creative work, this is for fun, for release. It's also vindicating, for years I was afraid to dance. I started doing other performance work several years ago, but dance was often not the focus. That changed this year, as it became more and more of what I do.
Now, I own the floor.
I made some awesome connections, and will be doing a lot more there. It is nice to be back in my game. Via submission to sound. |
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From: 8/14/08, all screwy looking due to my crappy webmail.
It no longer says in the profile text, but I have been in the "scene" for
a long time. My first consensual sexual encounters very much carried this
dynamic. It was something I have always choosen in situations with very
equal footing. Never have I felt pushed into anything, in many ways it is
when I am at my most submissive points that I am at my strongest.
My experiences have been varied, in multiple relationships, with different
people different scenarios. It is just something that is a part of me. I
enjoy it, otherwise I wouldn't do it, I wouldn't seek it out. In many
ways I also need it.
For me there is no being a slave, no TPE, and no submission in terms of
decision. It is very there, it is very natural, difficult to pinpoint and
describe. It is in the way I work with people, allow them in, quickly
without judgement, the way I listen, and in my better moments not say what
does not need to be said.
It's more than sex to me, it's more than relationships, most of all I
acknowledge it as a part of life. A quiet acceptance of myself and what
is. I savor the moments I am able to let go of control, expectation,
judgment, pre-determination, and allow those moments.
Being in relationships with people who are quite the opposite of me, who
enjoy taking hold of every detail they can in life, have always been the
best counter balance.
I often get lost in things, I let go, and lose my way. My best past
partners, and friends, have always been the ones who can call me back. Be
stable supports because they take those details on. I in turn often tell
people to let go, to take on the new perspective of experience, and move
on.
In the best case scenario it is a partnership that compliments.
Right now I am more interested in just talking to new people. I am a bit
tired from discovering values that don't match on so many fronts, butting
heads and the arguements. I am as a person, open and honest,
conversations for me are draining. They are worthwhile when I benefit
from them, and there are many ways that can happen.
Some need fulfillment is passive, it happens without questions being
asked, and need being stated. People I provide perspective to, who are
also honest and open, and take in without judgment, teach me as much as I
teach them. Though passively just through how they learn.
Though I, while submissive, am not passive, not passive in any aspect of
my life. I have no need to be, I am not broken, there is not really
anything about myself that I can't stand my ground on. There is nothing
to completely give way to and be taught.
So for me the transfer occurs on a very equal footing. My awareness in
security in submission, at it's best will match the awareness and security
in dominance. Both equally powerful, the transfer mutual, and active from
one to the other.
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There is a difference between dominance and cowardice, obviously. Though many people seek to use one to disguise the other.
True dominance has to involve a confrontation of fear. Using dominants to remain fearful inhibits growth of all involved. As a submissive I seek to grow, so I find any level of cowardice intolerable.
It doesn't mean not being afraid, I am afraid of a lot of things, however I am willing to confront them, and throughout my life have already confronted many. I come into life with an understanding that each new situation is a chance to confront fear, though will also inevitably develop new ones.
Dominant tactics can be used for both, dominance lends it hand easily to this task. Using the force of the dynamic to keep a submissive at bay from what in the end the dominant is afraid of. This prevents confrontation for both.
Cowardice can also come in the form of denial, in fact it often does. One of the best ways to deal with fear is just to deny it is there. Which inevitably leads to a shut down to all or part of the scenario. As a submissive who prefers to enter scenes with eyes wide open, this in the end is extremely detrimental for me.
This is also something that takes time to weed out, and I always view as something that can be worked through by both parties, but there has to be a willingness to do the work. Some times I see that, sometimes I don't.
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Egomaniacs Need Not Apply.
I had a principal in high school that I couldn't stand. Beyond being homophobic, he took a lot of credit for the fact that shortly after he became principal of the school the test scores went up. However, around the time he became principal the school board changed the zoning and started busing in a very affluent neighborhood. I wonder why the scores went up?
So many dominants take credit for submission, that they will things to happen, for their submissives to do certain tasks. Except before any scenario begins I have consented mentally to all the potential outcomes. I surrender my own want and need to the circumstance to have it be directed by another. That happened before you tied me up and spanked me senseless.
Or I'll be told I "want" something during a scene. Ideally I have no sense of the word in terms of myself. "You know you want it" is such a silly comment, really you want it, and if you want it I'll do as that's why I'm there.
I do actually take this kind of behavior from switches, and find it incredibly endearing, as in many ways they need that kind of confirmation and that's why it's being stated. I can hear the need in their voices. From "dominants" who make such comments, I also sense that they need the confirmation, though have no willingness to be sincere about it.
No one wills me to do anything, before anything even happens I have made the choice. Since my very first boyfriend at age 14 I have been making that choice.
I have no expectation. Never in a scene have I had a desire for anything for myself. I'll only want to get off if that is what is wanted of me.
I think that scares a lot of people. That in the end it's not about control, or power, because that has already been surrendered. Is it possible to have power over someone when they have no desire for it?
That being said there are some things I simply don't like and don't do. Also if the dynamic is weak, and lacks confidence, I also will lack confidence. As I am completely responsive.
I've had issues though with partners who were not responsive, where there was no congruence with the act and the emotion. When I sense a shut down in someone, I will follow suit and shut down. Also if limits previously set are being pushed, I will rapidly lose trust.
People usually in the end get carried away with me, do things they didn't expect, feel things they didn't expect. If a limit is being pushed on purpose I get a bit upset, because what's going to happen when one flies by the wayside accidentally?
My first partner that identifies as a dominant still apologizes for a permanent mark he left on me the first week we were together. Yes, I mean permanent as that was 7 years ago.
The presentation of ego is a means of protection, if you feel the need to protect yourself from me, then I ought to go and find someone else who is confident enough to not feel the need to do that. |
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Respect and trust are layered concepts, they change in value and meaning depending on the people involved.
You can respect me enough not to harm me in ways I have set limits on, and I can trust you with my body, however possibly not my mind. It all depends.
How I take things so often depends on who I'm with, what connection we have, and how that has been progressing.
Humiliation has been one of the most interesting topics to me. I really don't get humiliated. Perhaps embarrassed or self critical if criticized but no act tends to do it.
Calling me a cunt, whore, slut, what have you just tends to piss me off. It doesn't hurt, and really in the end I find it disrespectful. Did you really want a whore? If so I'll expect some money to be left on the nightstand. Thank you.
These terms have been taken by me endearingly. Though when said were meant that way. I also have no problem with them overall. I actually seek to reclaim many of them.
If I have submitted to an act it's most likely not going to bother me. One of my former lovers loved struggle, so I'd engage in that, actually quite learned to enjoy it. At some point I would just stop, when I felt the energy build to just that right point I would let go.
Without him having any sort of resistance, already worked up, crazy things would happen.
Often I'd end up pinned down in some incredibly compromising sort of way, usually in a way that would often be depicted as degrading as well. Objectified and used for his gratification. I truly mean objectified, no longer an interaction at this point, I guess in his mind I became living porn.
I really enjoyed these moments, and did not find them humiliating at all. The first few times I guess there was a bit of shock, for both of us. In that way it was nice to be removed as a participant and become the observer, in what ever way I was still allowed to be one.
Overall I dislike being ordered around needlessly. In the beginning it's a good thing, a little direction points out need. Going overboard with dominance tends to just piss me off, if I'm already there, I'm already there. We can revert to indoor voices.
Being an extremely intuitive woman, especially when it comes to reading people, I know the potential of a bond in a very abstract intangible sort of way as soon as we start speaking. Sometimes even from a photo or message.
The rest of the work is showing that the other party is willing to reach that potential, otherwise there is nothing in this for me. When I sense that the submission is easily obtained, I go willingly.
One partner I purposely missed the bus for, and let myself be stranded with him overnight. Often the trust is given right away. Ideally trust with me does not need to be earned, only maintained.
So many though seek to train me, which just annoys me. I see my own flaws, and address them on my own. Probably I am actually in the end more aware of your flaws than you are. I don't need to be stood in front of a mirror to confess all the things I hate about my body. Like family members, there are things I could like better, certain parts I'm not the fondest of. However, I love every single one, every part of me I love, and respect.
The same goes for my mind, my emotions, the way I live, while there are things that need work, I am addressing the issues already. In fact with every partner I seek to address some of the issues. Everything I do these days is part of an aspect of self work.
I am malleable only in the hands of those who have demonstrated an understanding and respect of who I am. If they dominant without that knowledge of me, how can I trust them to keep me safe, and abide by my wishes? Honestly, I can't.
It may anger some that I expect these things, I am a confident woman with a strong sense of self respect. So many claim to want that, the smart, complicated, beautiful and strong. That's what it requires, at least to get this one. |
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| Age: 22 |
| Turlock,
California |
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