Okay, so no education weekend however, we did communicate.  My need for pain on my ass cheeks when I sit down has become so great.  It's a freedom in one way and a curse in another.  I have never felt this comfortable in my masochism in my life.  I used to hide what I was.  I knew at age 15 what I was.  when I was a kid, maybe 7, I would play house ALOT and I would always be the bad kid and want the punishment.  I would be bad at school where they gave "Cracks" with a wooden paddle.  I was always, always getting into trouble.  I even had the odacity to tell my teacher whom I had a crush on at the time, that he should divorce his wife and marry me right in front of the whole class.  I have never been one to not speak my mind, but it does get me into trouble.  When I was a teenager, I sought out negative attention from boys so they would beat me up.  When I got a little older, I looked at "odd" magazines, videos of kidnapped women, chained women, westerns where the women were man handled, then I found a book when I was 15 on masochism and it was like, wow, this is me.  Then I ignored it because I thought it was against God so I lived it through bondage books when I could find them and movies.  I tried romance novels, but those women who write those books need a lesson.  They keep writing the men as threatening to punish the women, but then they get all musshy and forgive them with no follow thru on the punishment, grrrrrrrr.  Then I hit age 35, which must have been my peak.  I started searching and found the website taken in hand which was very enlightening and I felt a part of this world finally.  That website led me here and i feel safe here that's why I write.  I want to inquire and talk to people more about it.  I am facinated by people and love all the diversity of people.  What necessarily may not work for me, works for someone else and that's great and interesting.  K, off to bed I go. :)

Hopefully some education is headed our way Friday night.  Which should equate to some discipline that has been constructively suggested for me with all the right instruments to deliver the best beating ;)  Yeah for me.

Bottom feels decent on the wooden chairs kind of eh on the padded ones.  more pain, need more painnnnn :)

The whippings are increasing and getting much better. :)

Okay, so I don't know what's wrong with me, but my own ass whooping did me no good.  Ahhhhhh, hopefully Wed. AM I good a good whopping from my man. :) :)

No boyfriend, so the belt in the closet was tempting me, calling me as no one was home but me.  I picked it up and started whipping my back and ass with it.  Not much effect as it is hard to get a good swing in, but it kinda did the trick.  I then remembered that he left the paddle at my house under the bed.  Mind you, it's off limits for me to touch however, desperate times call for desperate measures.  It was awkward, but my ass feels good now and both cheeks were spoiled equally.  I'll see how it feels tomorrow if I did a good job or not.  Yeahh for me. :)

Looking forward to a good beating and a car show.  I should bring a metal chair to sit down on afterwards.  Pain would be much better. :)  Can't wait.

Oh woe is me.  I am freakin dying here.  I want a beating soooooooo bad.  It's like an ache that doesn't get soothed.  Now I think I know what blue balls is and how a guy feels.  This kills.  I look forward to a beating and either get shot down, avoided, postponed or it's over in a flash.  I want my ass to hurttttttttt.  Sometimes being a masochist sucks.  It's hard to like what I like.  No one understands me and men don't want to "hurt" you.

:(  Sad, need release.

So I got the belt a little on my ass and a little on my back, the back is good for the emotional release.  I want to not be able to sit down for a week.  I want to back up against the rails in the elevator at work and wince when I bounce off of it over and over again.  Hurts sooo good. :)

Now I am completley jonsing.  I neeed emotional release, ahhhhhhhh.  Where's the belt?  I can't take it anymore.

So my boyfriend had the perfect opportunity to beat me and didn't.  Now I'm supposed to be punished for my mouth as I let it get away from me.  He says 100 swats over the knee..ooooooo I'm sooooo nervous.  Please, grrrrr

Wooden Paddle came in the mail today I hear.  I'm going to hide that sucker.  I'm trying to get other impliments of torture besides that one.  My ass still hurts.  I've been sitting on the edge of my wooden seat. Mmmmmmmm