What is a Good Dom!
How to Find a Good Dom
(warning This is long)
Note: Since I am male, this will be written from that perspective. If that troubles you then mentally substitute Dom/me every time you see Dom and we’ll be just fine.
- This list is intended to help you find a trustworthy and safe Dom. It is up to you to negotiate the particulars of any scenes or play sessions you may enter into. You must assume responsibility for your own safety. It would also be a good reference if you have a question as to how a Good Dom should try to conduct himself.
- Granted, not every Good Dom has all these traits. Further, there may be certain Doms that are excellent, but do not necessarily practice ALL these traits.
- What you as a newcomer are seeking is to find a pattern of behavior that you can feel Safe about, Sane while doing it, and that you feel comfortable Consenting to. This Safe, Sane, and Consensual mantra (SSC) is found throughout the BDSM culture.
- There is another acronym, RACK, which stands for RISK AWARE CONSENSUAL KNOWLEDGE. RACK refers to a more advanced level of play between partners.
- Remember that submission is earned, not gifted. Much ado is made of the so called gift of submission. I would submit there is an equally important gift of dominance. Of course, as always, Your Mileage May Vary (YMMV)
Traits and Characteristics
He is not pushy, and is ready to spend the time to get to know you
Even his first message indicates he has read your profile and is genuinely aware of you as a person.
He is relaxed and informal, and stresses that he does not expect more formal treatment unless, and until, you have both agreed to take the communication and the relationship to a higher level.
He uses a respectful tone and does not ask that you “kneel and obey” him until much later, when he has earned that respect from you.
His self-confidence allows him to have an adult conversation without insulting you or trying to make you feel guilty in any way while you two are getting to know one another.
He is willing to have several conversations with a low-key, non stressful approach that makes you feel comfortable getting to know him better.
He does not establish any sort of time limit for the relationship to escalate, while at the same time indicating he is ready to progress at your pace.
He welcomes subs that are either experienced or newcomers, as he knows they will be respected and well cared for if they should agree to join with him in a relationship.
He respects your limits and discusses them openly with you.
He will also maintain control of the relationship and avoid, to the extent necessary, the tendency pf some subs to try to control the relationship by "topping from the bottom." This behavior from the sub is often confusing or harmful to the D/s M/s relationship.
He will provide a vehicle whereby the formal structure of the D/s relationship can be temporarily set aside, so that meaningful conversation between adult partners can take place, without prejudice to either side.
He understands that some limits are oriented to the giving side, while others may involve receiving.
He is willing to share his own limits with you in an equally frank discussion.
While recognizing that sexual activity may be involved in scenes between partners, he also recognizes that scenes may not necessarily end in intercourse.
He can have a relationship that does not involve overt sexual activity, if that has been negotiated.
He does not view social contact, such as a Munch or a discussion group, to be a recruitment site, but rather a social gathering of like minded individuals.
He respects that you may have had previous partners within the lifestyle, which have helped you to get where you are in the experience curve.
He respects that you may be recovering from a harmful past experience and wants to help you have a genuinely positive one this time.
He respects that just because you wore a collar from another does not guarantee you want to wear his collar.
He understands that monogamy is the statistical majority for relationships, and accepts your choice, whether it is monogamy or another type of relationship.
He is honest in explaining his existing relationships, if any exist, so that you can make an informed choice whether to pursue a relationship with him.
He is very willing to frankly discuss his experience, and the lack of it, in any area.
He believes in safe words and encourages their use if either partner feels they are necessary. Note that more experienced partners may opt to not use safe words.
He may also provide for an alternative to a safe word if, for example, you will be gagged he may give you a ball to drop if you want to use a safe word.
He regularly cleans and disinfects his toys.
He may have certain toys that are reserved for play scenes with a specific partner.
He understands that the difference between thud, impact, sensation and sting types of toys may be quite profound, and transitions from one type to another slowly enough to avoid leaving his sub hanging from a sensory ledge, so to speak.
He practices his craft, and may invite you to observe or participate as he practices his craft.
He never stops learning and knows he cannot ever know it all.
He seeks new sources of knowledge for the different techniques and perspectives they may offer.
He willingly admits his mistakes and learns from them, giving due attention to what went wrong, what should have been done differently, and what lessons can be learned from the experience.
He understands that the scene is not over until the aftercare is over and the play space has been cleaned for use by others.
He may provide for your aftercare to be assisted by others, so that he may remove the toys from the play space, for example.
He may negotiate a scene that does not have strong aftercare, if you desire such a scene or play session. Advanced scenes may not even involve aftercare, but again, that is negotiated beforehand.
He does not touch the belongings of another, living or inanimate, without permission.
He respects the play space of others with silence and care.
He does not assume ownership of an unattached sub. Nor does he demand undeserved respect.
The Dom respects the rules of the establishment where he finds himself.
He does not play while under the undue influence of alcohol or other substances.
He is willing to share his knowledge and experience with others while respecting their quest for knowledge. He is accepting of newness in others that seek to learn.
He is involved in his local bdsm community, if possible and appropriate.
He is willing to whisper wise counsel in the receptive ear of another, and to listen to the counsel of others.
He recognizes that he has a responsibility to the submissive to help her emotionally, spiritually, and financially in the event of the ending of their relationship. Many Doms actually help the sub to establish their own independent accounts for this contingency. The funds deposited into such an account belong solely to the submissive.
He is supportive of community service interests or involvement by the sub, whether within the BDSM lifestyle or not... He is proud to have her work reflect positively on him.
He seeks the respect and trust of others by his example, not by his words.
Finding a man is no easy task for submissive ladies. It seems many women do not understand the red flags signaling “Beware.”
- A dominant man will not start off by with, 'Bow down on your knees upon receipt of my message!' There seems to be many complaints from women about this kind of ploy as first introduction, and this is reason alone to 'block n’ move on.' (I would advise ladies to use this tactic often and liberally rather than engage in argument or flame wars…life is too short.). Ignore the Insta-Dom.
- A dominant man will not seem ‘desperate’ for your attention. Getting dates or getting laid is not his problem; he can find women on kink sites, at work, or in the grocery store. He knows women, and women are drawn to him. Many women, kink or vanilla, prefer a man who is take-charge both in the bedroom and in life. If a 'Dom' becomes frantic, anxious, or despairing because you don’t write him back every other hour, chances are he has a hard time with the fairer sex. The good news is desperation is easy to spot.
- A dominant man most often will be successful, a maverick, or at least happy in his chosen profession. If he has had some bad luck in his past, it will be fleeting, for he will strive relentlessly to place his universe back into the order mandatory to his existence. If your suitor languishes in poverty, unemployment for years, or hates his job, most likely his dominance is merely a cover-up to appease his lack of success. Though he may not be the millionaire, look for the man who is happy, confident, unique, and/or successful in his chosen endeavor.
- A dominant man will be very interested in you, and not just your sexual needs (though they will certainly get his attention). He will see you as a puzzle, and desire to make sense of that puzzle. The dominant guy loves challenge and that in essence is why so many submissives find disillusion in the vanilla world; most men do not seek challenge in sensuality, they fear it. Submissive women are the most challenging of lovers for they have great fantasy. Their fantasies often require a man to move far outside normal gestures requiring both skill and creativity. How you think about a myriad of criterion will be of great interest to him.
- A dominant man is likely to be damn good in the sack. Most men have their hands full with straight-up vanilla sex. The dominant man has either mastered or has no interest in such elementary play, at least not all the time. Making a woman orgasm many times has left him bereft of sport, so he now seeks a woman who will challenge him on other levels. The dominant guy is going to have a good understanding of the female anatomy, and will persist in finding the keys to your body and mind. He will have done his homework and already experimented in real-time on many lovers. He will be a bit of the Don Juan, if not Don himself; not a womanizer per se, but certainly sexually advanced.
- A dominant man may have all the accoutrement of kink (the whips, chains, and whatnot), but he will not need them to be dominant. A whisper, a word, a look, a swagger, and a touch are the essence of his talent. Confidence is his weapon of choice, not bragging about his dungeon. Those who tout their toys too highly might well be lacking in other departments.
- A dominant man will be very cautious in selecting you because he knows you have great desires, hopes, and dreams, and it is he that has to live up to them. Above all things he will wish to be good for you. He attempts to choose wisely but may at first make many mistakes in his choices as he finds his way.
- A dominant man will make mistakes and have no fear admitting them. The dominant guy knows he is not All Knowing, for he is human. A guy who believes he never makes mistakes or does not admit to them with good cheer is most likely not dominant.
- A dominant man will never send you a cock shot at first greeting and it is highly unlikely that he’ll have one on his profile.
- A dominant man will not beg you for naked photographs. In fact, he won’t beg for anything. He will simply wait till you’re dying to send him your naughty pictures unsolicited and accept them with lordly composure (or a rock hard-on, depending on the photo).
- A dominant man will never lie about being married or already having a girlfriend. If he’s married to vanilla, he’ll simply say so. If he’s dating vanilla, he’ll break up with her before venturing in with another (less he’s doing a poly thing and brings her along, or in an open relationship). The dominant guy is straightforward, will wish to be plain about his true desires and needs, and if he is attached, will be forthcoming with that information. If he’s cheating on his vanilla wife, he will say so. He made his choice and is going for it.
- A dominant man won’t lie about much, though he surely will keep some of his thoughts from you. A Dom who feels swallowing golden showers to be right up your alley may well know telling you straight out might have you running for cover. This is not in itself lying, he’s just taking the appropriate steps first and at the speed he thinks you can absorb them (he may well discard such thoughts as he gets to know you; he will discard his thoughts often). The lying 'dom' will have an agenda that has no bearing on your needs. The real dominant guy wants no part of someone for whom he cannot be good. A man who attempts to get with a woman he cannot handle or vice versa is desperate.
- A dominant man will not be heavy handed in his approach. He will be skilled at drawing you in, opening you up, making you feel at ease or on edge (depending on his tastes). His efforts will seem effortless; even aloof at times. He will grow on you. Capture you. Enlighten you and make things seem clear that may have been once blurry. You will feel better about yourself when communicating with him (even if your desire is to live in debasement!). Only an impostor will try to tear you down in order to raise himself to higher ground. The dominate gets off by watching you soar, not fall.
In essence, taking on a submissive is both invigorating and empowering yet also a humbling experience. He may err constantly, particularly if he is new. Yet he will always, always strive to be better, and though he longs and seeks challenge, he will avoid that which he knows he cannot handle, or will in some near future be unable to handle. It may take time but he will understand his own limits as well as his woman’s.
A submissive is a truckload of challenge (ask their ex-vanilla lovers), and so the dominant man needs you like he needs air. He wants your service and/or worship not simply for worship sake but because he has gone beyond the call of the norm, ventured into the realm of risk, and passing across the dangerous abyss where footing is treacherous, hopefully breaks into the sunshine of success offering you something glorious. THAT alone is why he seeks your worship; because he has earned it and deserves it.
"If a man does not seek risk and challenge in his life, if he wishes worship without venturing his ego, if he does not persist continually toward excellence in handling a woman as he does in many things, he is not a dominant man."
Happy hunting!
~Author Unknown
copyright 2011, 2012 G. Wayne Marshall
