brisha on Collarspace

April 27th 2006

I lifted this from a website, but I found it very appropriate.

So you want to be a dom?

You've thought about it, you've fantasized about it, and you've decided that it's for you. All well and good. Now to take the theory into practice. There's a distance between wanting to be a dom and being a dom, though, and it pays to be aware that there's more involved than you might think.

How hard can it be?

Trickier than it sounds. There's more to being a dom than telling people what to do. There's a lot more to it than telling people what to do. Anyone can do that; it no more makes you a dom than owning a border collie makes you a shepherd.

Nonsense. Doms tell people what to do; that 's the definition!

Actually, no. It's more complicated than that. Context is important; being a dom is not about being bossy, and nobody gets to tell everyone what to do all the time. In fact, it's not even about telling all the subs what to do all the time.

The very first mistake novice doms are likely to make is in believing that D/s relationship dynamics are simple. You're a dom; you see someone who is a sub; as a dom, your rightful place is telling that sub what to do, and as a sub, that person owes you respect, right?

Wrong. For starters, if you want respect, you have to do more than say "I'm a dom, worship me!" In fact, saying "I'm a dom, worship me!" is a good way to get ridiculed and laughed at by anyone who has any experience in real D/s relationships.

What many novice doms miss is that a D/s relationship is a relationship. Even if it's temporary, even if it happens only at something like a play party, a relationship exists between the dominant and the submissive because both people have made that choice. Believing that you can tell a submissive what to do before you have established some sort of relationship which gives you that authority is a bit like believing that any man can tell any woman to have sex with him, because, after all, men have sex with women, right?

Men have sex with women, and doms tell subs what to do--but not all the time, and not by default. Do not assume for even half a second that simply being a dom grants you any authority or presumption of power over someone who is a submissive; this is as foolish and misguided as assuming that being a man grants you any presumption of sex over someone who is a woman.

Now, hang on a minute, here. Submissives are submissive because they want to submit to a dom!

Perhaps. But that does not mean that any particular submissive wants to submit to you. Assuming that someone wants to submit to you simply because that person is "submissive" is exactly like assuming that a heterosexual woman would want to have sex with you simply because you're a heterosexual man (or vice versa).

But all submissives owe dominants respect.

No, respect--even in the BDSM community--is earned. Believing that you're entitled to it simply by virtue of the fact that you call yourself a "dom" is a sure-fire way to be labelled a wannabe.

And the worst, most patently offensive way to do this is to meet a person for the first time, find out that person is a submissive, and then say "Worship me!"

Submissives, like all people, are human beings. Whenever you deal with human beings, before you've established any kind of context or relationship, you will find that you have the best success if you treat them as people. Funny thing, that; people like being treated as people, especially by strangers--launching straight into a D/s relationship with someone you've only just met is premature, and assuming that anyone who self-identifies as "submissive" owes anything to every person who self-identifies as "dominant" is offensive.

And a big turn-off. The people you see who have all the subs, the ones you run into in the BDSM community and at play parties who are successful at finding and keeping partners, the ones who other people naturally seem to defer to? They have those partners and they have that respect because they understand that you treat everyone--including submissives--with respect until you've established a relationship that lets you assume the dominant role.

I don't get it. If someone didn't want to be dominated, why would that person be a submissive?

Again, it's about context. That person might very well want to be dominated, and might even want to be dominated by you, maybe--but until you find out what that person wants, don't make assumptions. And especially, don't make assumptions about what that person wants or needs, or how that person "should" interact with you.

When someone discovers an interest in BDSM, it can be easy to slip into a fantasy-fulfillment mindset. You have ideas about how you would like to be and what kinds of things you'd like to explore, you have fantasies, you have things you really want to do--so it may be tempting to slot every submissive you encounter into your own fantasies. When you stop relating to people as people and start relating to them as fantasy-fulfillment objects, you can expect to have problems.

How so? When I meet people online and tell them what to do, there's no problem!

Online forums are very different from real-life forums. Online forums are more fantasy-oriented; in many cases, the submissive you're talking to is seeing you as nothing more than a fantasy-fulfillment object, you're seeing that submissive as a fantasy-fulfillment object, and you get along fine.

But even in online forums it can be very presumptuous to assume a power relationship that has not been established. Start a conversation with someone who identifies as "submissive" with "On your knees and worship me!" and you might just come across as an insensitive poseur, or worse.

Power exchange relationships are relationships. Don't assume that someone has granted you power just because you're a dominant and that person is a submissive.

What are you talking about? I'm a dominant, and that person is a submissive--so of course there's a power exchange relationship!

Nope, that does not necessarily follow. You do not automatically get power by being a dom; a submissive grants you that power. It's not yours by right. This is one of the basic cornerstones of consent--a submissive gives you power by consent, not by the simple virtue of being a submissive.

Not every submissive wants the same things. Not every submissive interacts with a dominant in the same way. A wise and psychologically healthy submissive does not submit indescriminately to everyone who calls himself or herself a "dom." It is up to someone to choose to give you power, not up to you to take it.

And you're not likely to get it if you walk around demanding that every submissive you see worships you. Nobody has an entitlement to that kind of automatic submission, Your Worshipfulness!

First, get to know that person, even if briefly. Then, mutually decide whether and what kind of power relationship you have. Then, and only then, can you start with the giving orders.

Seriously. You don't get to call the shots to every submissive who talks to you, and you don't get to assume that every submissive who talks to you is submissive to you.

Okay, okay, I get the point. Now what?

The next part to understand is that, as a dominant, it's not your job to do whatever you want. It's your job to do whatever you want within the bounds of basic common sense and the limits negotiated with your partner. Now, "basic common sense" is subjective and contextual, and changes with your degree of acceptable risk, your experience, and so on, but regardless of all that, a lot of the stuff you read about in bad S&M fiction? Way outside anyone's definition of "basic common sense." Ordering your newfound submissive to have unprotected sex with a pub full of strangers? Not basic common sense. Digging that eight-foot bullwhip you've never actually used from the back of your closet, and trying it out on a person who's never experienced any form of pain play before? Not basic common sense. Dragging your new partner home and leaving your new partner tied to your bed for three days? Not basic common sense.

Even within the realm of basic common sense, it's important to understand that it isn't all about you.

Of course it is! I'm the Dom! The Dom does whatever he or she wants!

Um...no.

At least, not if you want to keep a submissive. The relationship works for both of you, or it works for nobody. You see, submissives are submissive because they get something from the experience, too--and they have things they want to do, things they want to explore. Ignore the fact that you need to create a positive experience for the submissive, and don't be surprised when the submissive leaves and finds a different dominant. Ignore a submissive's limits, and carelessly or maliciously cause permanent damage, and don't be surprised when the submissive files charges.

Any D/s relationship between two (or more) people is a relationship first and a D/s relationship second. As with all relationships, there is a need for mutual reciprocity in the relationship; everyone involved must feel that the relationship meets their needs.

And if you do start a D/s relationship with a submissive, remember that it's your responsibility to pay close attention to the submissive. When you're engaged in some BDSM activity, make a point of being conscious at all times about how your submissive is responding to what you're doing. Don't get so carried away that you stop paying attention to the experience from the submissive's point of view; remember, you only get to play again if you do a good job the first time around!

Disturbing Angel posted on his blog earlier and it made me think. Made me think ALOT actually. And since some of you were dissapointed that I didn't post anything new today, I thought I'd add my reply to his post here.

Disturbing Angel wrote (this is only a small portion of his entry, to read it in full go to his blog):

.....After reading a very deep blog post by my friend Brisha, something she said struck me as odd: "Why would this very pretty girl feel that she needs someone to tell her what to do to feel 'complete' about her life, which she states several times in her article when her "Daddy" comes back online. It wasn't until later on in the day when it hit me like a Buick Roadmaster hitting an overpass on I-75 doing 80mph:

"It's Love to her." It's Relative. Physically and mentally, it's relative. It's what she feels and it's how she relates to the term "LOVE" and how the word itself makes her feel.

It's just a word. LOVE. Say it out loud. Love. Kind of a simple word. It's done some damage in each of our lives, it's caused some pain, but at the same time, it's done it's share of pleasure as well. Think of everyone that you've ever "Loved" in your life.. Quite a list, right? How many of them do you hate right now? Hate is another word that's just like love. Only four letters, two syllables, similar phrasing with completely opposite meanings.

My point is that things change. Feelings change. Lives change. LOVE CHANGES. Hate changes love and love changes hate over time. But time can do something strange to how you feel; it can make you think and act differently about things in your life. Time can make you React and how you react is how you believe.

Time molds you over time itself by your past. What happens in your past molds your future. With me so far? I'm going to get very technical, so you may want to take notes or re-read this if you like. Time MOLDS the human nature by the very soul by time itself and changes your future. Re-read that again just to make sure you understand that last sentence....

.....Take a person who was sexually abused in the past. It doesn't matter how long ago, but it does matter how they reacted to it. Some people shut it away, hide from it like a game of hide and seek, pretending it never happened. Other people run for help, either from authorities or from psychiatrists or from doctors, lawyers and the like. Some people choose revenge and this list could go on and on and on. Most of the time, the abuse comes back to cause problems. Be it when they get married, or when they want to have children or whatever, but issues come back to haunt them. Even in casual relationships, problems arise. I've seen problems where people were just afraid, and not knowing why they were afraid. "Don't you want to have an orgasm?" "Well, yeah I do...but I don't know why I'm crying right now!" Sound familiar?

The biggest problem that I have, I think comes from either a chemical imbalance or some type of .. I don’t know.. possibly even a mental block. Because I honestly believe that I'm one of those Male Nympho's that feel no emotions, but want to have sex all the time and then feel ashamed even after masturbation. And this took quite a lot for me to write. But that's just me and I know that everyone has their own issues with other things, so lets not talk about my problems.

Just like those looking for masters and slaves and such. I don't know if I could ever control someone 24/7. Controlling someone in the bedroom is one thing since forcing 10 inches down someone's throat is completely different than having someone pick out tomorrow's clothes for you. I actually like having someone to bounce ideas off and I really enjoy having someone there that will argue back at me. I want to have an intelligent person that will stand up and say "you know what, you're wrong and this is why" and then proceed to get red in the face as they tell me why they think I'm an ass for bashing George Bush and siding with Noam Chomsky. That's my idea of a lively relationship. Don't get me wrong, I will tie you up and spank you and whip you and drip wax and lick you until you're red (ask my ex...) but once we're done, I just want to play video games for awhile.. (once again...ask my ex..) .....

And here is my reply (this might not be what some of you like reading about. Nothing sexy or explicit in this one, but here it it none the less):

Chris,

first.. I want to thank you. Thank you for helping me look at 'this' in a different perspective. I know I am 'odd', 'strange', 'weird', 'sick' or however else people want to label me. I know I am not 'normal', but I am 'me'.

By writing down my past experiences I not only let people know more about me, but I have found out that some very deep feeling flow from me onto my computer screen and they help me understand -myself- better as well.

But your post ... well it opened my eyes. Is it indeed 'love' that makes me crave the things I so desire? Or is it 'lust'? But if it is lust, then it must have came from a deep need somewhere within me and I think you're right. It is 'love' however twisted and messed up it may be.

Most of the time we can't explain why we are attracted to someone, beyond the obvious physical attraction and personality traits. Well I can't explain why I feel the way I do. You mentioned 'chemical imbalance'. Is it a chemical imbalance that makes me want to belong to someone? I don't know... but perhaps it is.

I am a very outspoken woman. I don't take crap lying down! When I speak of wanting a master, it does not mean I want to be someone's doormat. It has more to do with respect and a sense of belonging and yes here it is again ... 'love'. I argue when I feel like I am right. I speak up when I see an injustice. I am not some passive fucktoy, that cowers at a man's feet. There is MUCH more to this then most people think.

But now my mind is reeling and I'm rambling.

All I really wanted to say was ... yes I think you are right. Love changes people. It shapes them, as do all of our experiences in life. The past will shape your future. Most people that have been abused in the past chose to be victims. Shutting out the world, suffering from many different afflictions. -I- choose my own destiny. I choose what I want to do with my life, even if some people don't agree with my choices.

I am NOT a victim ... I am a survivor!

I am your master!